Funhouse

by Mudpony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Silver Spoon, Comedy
Length: 4876

Before the death of its owner, Ponyville's funhouse held fond memories for Diamond Tiara. Now it holds her greatest fear.

The Ponyville Funhouse & Game Emporium holds fond memories for Diamond Tiara. It provided her with comfort and joy when she was a young, very lonely foal. Now it is about to reopen under new ownership, and she and Silver Spoon are determined to get a look inside before anypony else.

A P!nk Pony Tale inspired by P!nk's song "Funhouse", starring everyone's my favorite pink pony.

Published 2016-02-19 20:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-19 20:20:02 UTC

All the Laughter from Before

"Aren't you just excited?" Diamond Tiara said, leaning over the fence as is being closer would somehow enable her to see through the canvas covering the Ponyville Funhouse & Game Emporium. "Because you should be! The mayor's going to do the ribbon cutting thing even."

Silver Spoon's ears reflexively flattened as the volume and pitch of her best friend's voice reached an unnatural high, a rather common occurrence since Diamond Tiara had learned about the impending re-opening a week-and-a-half ago.

"It's going to reopen soon! I've waited years for this," Diamond said in something somewhat more akin to her normal voice. "I used to have all my parties here. They were the best. And when there wasn't a big party reason to go there, I'd get my parents to let me go anyway. Why, some weeks, I swear I was there every day."

Silver Spoon rolled her eyes, but remained silent, prepared to endure another trip down this particular memory lane.

"I guess that was before you moved here though, but you'd totally have loved it. The owner was, like, the awesomest. Me and Mister Frump, we were like that. He'd always be all like 'hey, Diamond, don't toss the ball so hard.' and 'Diamond, no need to be rushing around with those plates. There's plenty of pizza for all.' Such a kidder, that Mister Frump."

Diamond Tiara laughed at the memories, laughter that faded as she lapsed into solemn silence. Silver Spoon opened her mouth to say that he sure sounded like it, like she had the previous times she'd heard the story, but this time, Diamond Tiara wasn't done, and she continued before Silver Spoon could respond.

"Then came that day he just fell over. Had a stroke, my dad said. Something about high blood pressure. All that cheese on the pizzas, I guess. One moment, he was fake lecturing me and the next, boom, coma. They had him on one of those iron-lung things. Every day, I visited the hospital. I brought him candy and flowers, and then I'd sit and tell him all about what I was doing and how I hoped he'd get better so I could go to the Funhouse again." She stared at the building for a half-minute before speaking again. "He never woke up, and the place shut down."

As Diamond Tiara scuffed the ground with one hoof, Silver Spoon opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, like a fish out of water. She lifted her hoof, but settled it back down, unsure of what to say or do. Instead, she examined the sign that proclaimed the grand reopening of the Ponyville Funhouse & Game Emporium under new ownership. It was filled with oversized text, bright colors, and more exclamation marks than should be in an entire book, let alone a single sign, providing a stark contrast to the mood set by Diamond Tiara's tale.

The sign didn't bode well in Silver Spoon's eyes. If not for the straightness of the lines, it was something that could have been made by the Crusaders. Still, maybe it would turn out worthy of Diamond Tiara's hype. If it was even halfway worthy, it would still be a welcome addition to the town, which, quite frankly, lacked enough interesting activities to fill up a week, let alone a whole year. Any new option would at least add something to the humdrum of small town life.

None of that would help her friend now, though. She closed her eyes in thought, trying to recall something her dad had said to her mom during breakfast a couple of weeks ago. She'd only half paid attention, as at the time it had just seemed like boring, business talk. Now, she dived deeper into her memory, trying to fill in the details of that morning to aid her recollection, recalling the taste of the grapefruit, the glass of orange juice, and the bowl the chocolate-frosted sugar bomb cereal, until it came to her. "The new owner used to be with the circus, you know, and that's why he's got a whole motive —no, motif— based on his circus days. That's what my dad said, anyway."

"Really?" Diamond asked, her somber mood evaporating under the heat of her excitement. "That could be totally awesome. Maybe he was a manticore trainer. That would be so cool. Just imagine it, Sil. Cages with manticores in them, and every hour, a live show! A giant manticore plushie to add to your collection..."

"I don't think they'd let foals around—"

"Or maybe he was part of one of those cannon acts, and lucky winners will get to get shot from the cannon all the way across the main hall into the ball pool."

Silver Spoon started to point out how unlikely that would be, but then the image of Truffle Shuffle flying through the air, throwing up a shower of balls, all before puking over the side of the ball pit hit her, and she just giggled instead.

"Or maybe a trapeze act. And we could convince him to give us lessons, and then we'd totally win the next talent show. No way Peachy Pie and Summer Daze would get our award with an act like that, right?"

"Hmm…" Silver Spoon said, raising her hoof to her chin in thought. "I think the ceiling's a bit low for that."

"No way! The ceilings were…" With a frown, Diamond sat down and waved her forelegs about, trying to estimate the height of the building. Sighing, she said, "I suppose you're right. Maybe I remember it being tall enough because I was much smaller back then." Jumping back to her feet, Diamond paced back and forth. "I've just got to know what he's done with the place."

"If only the workers were talking," Silver Spoon said.

They'd tried to get members of the construction crews that had worked on the building for the last week to spill the beans, but even the two fillies' most pleading and cute looks, practiced looks that had gotten the pair out of trouble, and into, for that matter, more than once, had yielded nothing. All they'd learned was that the workers had had to sign a rather strict agreement not to tell what sort of work they were doing. Day after day Diamond Tiara, with Silver Spoon in tow, had tried to get them to slip up, to let out some clue. It had gotten to the point where the workers had resorted to sneaking out when it was time to go home, and once, they'd even slapped a hard hat on a pizza delivery guy and used him as a distraction to avoid the prying questions of the fillies.

""I know, right? Stupid confidentiality agreement. I so want to know, I've just got to…" Diamond's eyes flew wide open, and a grin slowly spread across her face.

"Ooh! You've got an idea!"

"I think I might still have a key to the place." Diamond rubbed her forelegs together with glee. "We'll visit it tonight. If we have a key, that's like being invited, right?"

"You have a key?"

"Well, I told you the old owner and I were close, right?"

Silver Spoon cocked her head and stared silently at her friend.

"Okay, so I might have swiped it when he went to the hospital. But only for safe keeping, and so I could check on the place and make sure all the games still worked until he could return. He'd have totally thanked me when he got out."

Silver Spoon blinked slowly.

"He'd have been all gruff about it, like he always was, but deep inside, I know he'd have been pleased. I was his favorite filly after all." Diamond nodded, sure that she was right. "So, sleepover tonight, and then we'll go check on the place. Really, we'll be doing the new owner a favor, making sure no evil pony is sneaking in to burn the place down. We'll be like night watchmen. It's our civic duty, Sil."

"Somehow, I don't think that's the sort of thing Miss Cheerilee had in mind with today's lecture," Silver Spoon said. "Picking up trash and helping the elderly, sure, but not breaking into places to 'safeguard' them."

"Ah, but we've got a key, so that's totally different. Come on, Sil, please? Do it for me?" Diamond asked. "Besides, you know you want to know as well, just so we can make everypony at school totally jel tomorrow."

Silver Spoon started to raise a hoof in protest, but quickly set it down. "Well, I suppose if you do have a key… And it would be helpful to the class to know if the place is worth going to…"

The two fillies slunk through the shadows as they made their way to the funhouse. There really wasn't a need for all the stealth, as the streets were empty. The ponies of Ponyville were safely snuggled in their beds, with early to bed and early to rise the norm for the farm town. Still, if Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were going to do something, they were determined to do it right. And right when sneaking into a place you weren't supposed to be meant making sure nopony saw you on the way there. At least that's what Silver Spoon insisted her detective novels all said. That dashing from shadow to shadow was much more fun than walking down the center of the street under the light of the town's street lamps certainly didn't hurt either.

Arriving at their destination, they ducked into a bush, ignoring the uncomfortable prodding and poking from branches that made bushes much more comfortable to hide behind than in. Alas, crouching behind the shrubbery wasn't an option at this point in time, for they needed to be hidden from both in front and behind, and the sides just to be safe. Cautiously, they squeezed their heads out from underneath the bush and carefully examined the grounds around the building before them.

Spotting no guards, the pair wormed their forwards and rose to their feet. A quick burst of speed let them put their backs to the wall. Another check to make sure that nopony was nearby, and the pair breathed a sigh of relief.

"Coast is clear," Diamond whispered and did her best to brush the various detritus, dross, dregs, and debris off her coat. Her nose scrunched up as she ineffectively tried to flick some sap off her leg. "Argh, it won't come off."

Silver Spoon, meanwhile, was engaged in an epic struggle with a twig. The twig had managed to work its way into her braid and refused to release its death grip upon her mane. She tugged, she pulled, she pushed, but the stick would not be dislodged. She even tried growling, to let the twig know just how serious she was, but the twig held firm. "You're so going to re-braid that tonight."

"What? Crawling through the plants wasn't my idea," Diamond Tiara protested. Silver Spoon's eyes narrowed. "Though it was fun," Diamond Tiara continued, to which her friend nodded in agreement. Diamond Tiara gave her hoof another flick, then wiped it as best she could on the wall. "Fine. We need a bath anyway, so like, I'll do it after that, okay?"

Silver Spoon looked over over both herself and her friend, reaching out to brush a piece of moss of Diamond Tiara's shoulder. "We totally look like farm ponies or something. I don't think I've been dirty since that pi—" It was Diamond Tiara's turn to narrow her eyes. "Since that one time that never happened."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Diamond Tiara said, doing her best impression of a British noble lady caught sneaking a second crumpet. She harrumphed and gave Silver Spoon a wink. "Let's leave worrying about cleaning for later. We got things to do!"

With a flourish, Diamond Tiara held up the key before shoving it into the lock. She gave the key a twist, only to find it didn't budge. With a scowl, she tried again, this time using both hooves as well as mentally willing the key to turn. The lock refused to oblige.

"Maybe they changed the lock?" Silver Spoon suggested.

Diamond Tiara frowned. "I guess. Now how are we going to get in? Oh, I know… the pet door! The Funhouse always had an open pet policy, and I bet we could get in through that. It should be right over here..."

Diamond Tiara moved to the right of the door and turned her flashlight to illuminate a small pet latch.

"It looks a little small, doesn't it?"

"I'll fit. I used it all the time before Mister Frump blocked it with a big, heavy cabinet. Well, he used a smaller one first, but that could be pushed aside to easily. But I betcha they moved that cabinet while they were reworking the place."

Crouching down, Diamond Tiara gave the latch a push. It swiveled back and forth with a screech. With a conspiratorial grin, Diamond Tiara started to squeeze through. The sides and top scraped against her, and she stopped to take stock. The doorway was much smaller than she remembered, but she was sure that if she exhaled and moved her legs just so she could squeeze through. With a grunt of effort, she did just that.

Poking her head back outside, she called to Silver Spoon. "Told you I could fit through!"

"Wow, Diamond! That was impressive. I don't think I could have made it through there," Silver Spoon said from behind her.

Diamond Tiara jerked back, slamming her head into the top of the door. Backing up more carefully, she rubbed the sore spot on her head. "How'd you get in? Do you have one of the new keys?"

Silver Spoon grinned. "Would you believe they left the locked?"

Diamond Tiara facehoofed. "Doh. I suppose we really should have checked that first, huh? But whatever. We're, like, inside now, and I totally fit through. Told my mom I so don't need that stupid Cosmo diet." She stretched out, taking a moment to admire her gorgeous figure, doing her best to ignore the grime that coated parts of it, and turned her flashlight on. "Let's have a look at what they've done with the place."

The light revealed that the interior was colored in bright colors, the type of thing the local seamstress would have called gaudy, possibly even garish. Beaming yellows, burning oranges, relucent reds. Even the blacks somehow managed to be incandescent. The two ponies stood still as statues, mouths agape.

"Maybe it'll look better during the day?" Silver Spoon finally asked.

"I hope so," Diamond Tiara said, shifting the light to the wall on the other side. "Ooh, look! They still have the Wall of Birthdays. Mister Frump loved birthday parties. He kept a picture of every pony who had a birthday party there."

Silver Spoon shone her own light upon the wall. Picture after picture of ponies with party hats, presents, and of course, cake, each with a label that stated how old they were. She was so surprised at the number of adults among the pictures that she almost missed noticing something.

"How come there's only one of you? Other ponies have more than one."

Diamond Tiara's laugh floated through the air, as she waved off Silver Spoon's question. "That's because Mister Frump said it wouldn't be fair to all the foals. If there were lots of pictures of me, then nopony would look at any of the other ones. But he did give me the best spot… See? Right at the bottom corner, so all the kids could easily see it and it is easy to find." She reached out to slightly adjust how the picture hung. "That was Mister Frump. Always thinking of everything."

Diamond Tiara's haunches settled on the floor as she lifted her picture off the wall and stared into it.

"You know, before I met you, I didn't have too many friends. I spent a lot of time playing in my room or with the staff. All the other kids were always, like, so immature. Then I found this place. It really brought me out of my shell. I owe so much to Mister Frump. There were days when I felt like he was the only real friend in the entire world." Diamond Tiara sat in silence, tears welling in her eyes. "I miss him still."

She felt Silver Spoon's foreleg wrap around her. Turning her head to face her friend, she gave a slight smile.

"I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't moved into town about then. Probably gone back to never leaving the house." She gave a slight laugh. "I'd probably have convinced my dad to have me home schooled or something. I'd totally grow up to be one of those crazy cat ladies. You're the best, you know."

"Oh, I know," Silver Spoon said with a wicked little grin, "but don't let that stop you from telling me at least once a week." She took the picture from Diamond Tiara and slipped it back in its place on the wall. "Come on, let's see what type of games they have."

Silver Spoon trotted on ahead, her hooves pattering lightly on the wooden floor. She swung her light from side to side, taking in everything. Everywhere, there were still some things covered in sheets. Out of curiosity, she peeked under a few, to find decorative statues. Disappointed, she shifted her attention to the uncovered games. One her left, an entire section devoted to ball games. You could roll, throw, or shoot, and if that wasn't enough, jump into a pit full of balls. Balls weren't really her thing though, nor was she that interested in the silly mirrors that filled the gaps. She preferred mirrors that didn't alter her features. She swung her head toward the other side and found a much more welcoming sight. There there were also several games that didn't interest her much, games where you had to position tokens to push prizes over the edge, as well as more mirrors, but also something that did interest her, the prize-claw games. She changed direction, moving closer so she could check out what sort of prizes would soon be hers.

"Hey, Di. Check these out!" Silver Spoon called.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Diamond Tiara screeched.

Silver Spoon spun around and rushed toward her friend, sliding to a stop just short of the huddle ball of pink. Silver Spoon's head spun from side to side, looking around anxiously, before looking down upon Diamond Tiara. "What's the problem?"

"The… the…"

Silver Spoon looked around again. "The what?"

Diamond Tiara gestured toward the thing in front of her. "K-k-k…"

Silver Spoon looked the thing up and down. Red, bulbous nose. Over-sized shoes. Plaid jacket with a flower in the lapel. "Um, Di... It's just a clown. They're all over the back room."

Diamond Tiara shuddered. "Make it go away! Make them all leave, Sil!"

"It's just a life-sized doll, Di. It's not going to harm you, you know that." Silver Spoon used a hoof to lift up Diamond's head. "See? It's nothing to be afraid of."

Tentatively, Diamond Tiara reached out a hoof and prodded the clown. Her prodding caused it to shift, and another screech filled the air as Diamond Tiara leapt back a full body length.

Silver Spoon looked back and forth between the clown and her friend. Slowly, her jaw dropped in amazement, and she pointed to her friend. "O-M-C! You're, like, coulrophobic!"

Diamond Tiara's body was wound tight with tension, ready to spring away at the slightest movement of the clown. Carefully, she pried her eyes away from the offending minion of malice. "Nu-uh," she declared. "I just don't like clowns. They give me the heebie-jeebies." Diamond shuddered as shivers ran up her spine.

Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. "That's what coulrophobia is, silly. A fear of clowns."

"I am so not scared of them," Diamond said, backing another step away from the clown.

"You know, it so makes sense now why you totally avoid the town square on Nightmare Night. It's cause the mayor always dresses up as a clown, isn't it?"

"I told you I'm not scared! Only little babies get scared!"

Diamond tossed her head with a harrumph, closing her eyes, and began a determined walk forward. She made it a few steps without incident, before her hoof collided with something on the floor. With a yell, she reached out and grasped the closest thing available. With a soft rustle and a not-so-soft scream, the fabric slid off the statue it was covering and onto the now prone pony.

Silver Spoon giggled.

"Not funny!" came the muffled voice of Diamond Tiara as she struggled free of the blanket. "Leaving things where ponies walk just isn't safe. Some foal could get hurt." Picking up her flashlight from the ground, she asked, "What'd I trip over anyway?"

The light from the flashlight revealed oversized shoes, and as it turned up, a horrific white face of death with a bulbous red nose. The light never made it to the poofy yellow mane as Diamond launched herself straight up into the air that would have curled the statue's mane had it been straight. She didn't reconnect with the ground, instead latching herself tightly around her friend's neck.

"Not afraid of clowns, huh?" Silver Spoon asked, struggling to maintain her balance under the weight.

Diamond gave a slight smile and shrugged her shoulders, as she settled back onto her own feet. "Maybe just a little?"

Silver Spoon shown her own flashlight around, taking in the murals on the walls, the statues, and the various props. There was nothing for a flying trapeze act, nor were there any cannons. And there definitely weren't any cages with manticores inside.

Silver Spoon whistled softly. "Well, I guess we know what he used to be in the circus."

"Uh-huh." Diamond Tiara shuddered. "It is clear now what we must do. We've got to burn this sucker down." She turned away from the horror of the murals to face her friend. "Does your father still have that lighter fluid for his barbeques?"

Silver Spoon's eyes were wide as she looked at her friend. "Di, you're not serious, are you?"

Diamond Tiara pointed her hoof toward the wall, while keeping her eyes locked on Silver Spoon. "Look at it, Sil. This used to be a funhouse, but now it is full... of... evil... clowns." With each of the last four words, she pointed to a different clown statue. "We've got to kill it with fire. It's the only way to be sure. I'm going to burn it down." She turned toward the wall and giggled hysterically. "Down. Down."

"Di! You can't do that! That's against the law." The words did little to phase Diamond Tiara, who continued to mumble "down" over and over. "Di, snap out of it!" Her efforts failed to snap Diamond Tiara back to sanity, so she tried a different tact. "Your parents will find out. You'll get grounded!" Silver Spoon hissed.

"Parents? Where?" Diamond Tiara said as she spun around, knocking over a cardboard box, but seeing no parents. Relieved, she wiped her brow. "Don't scare me like that, Sil. Not being able to go to Fillydelphia next week would totally suck." She looked down at the oversized shoes now scattered on the floor, and kicked one that was a little too close away. "Maybe we can fix it! I'll call the butler and the maids, and we can repaint everything, toss out these shoes, and get rid of all the clowns. That'd work, right?"

"Di, do you really think the new owner is going to go for that?"

"Maybe?" Diamond asked hopefully.

Silver Spoon didn't dignify that with a response.

"Okay, so not a good idea." Diamond frowned, doing her best to keep her eyes facing downward toward the safety of the floor. "Are you sure we can't burn it down? We could have a countdown and everything." She nudged her friend. "I know how you like countdowns. Ten, nine, eight…"

Silver Spoon cocked her head, the unspoken "really?" words as clear as if they'd been shouted.. "No, Di. We're not burning the place down. And that's final."

Diamond ground her teeth in frustration. She'd heard that tone often enough, though usually it came from one of their mothers. "Fine. But I'm taking my picture. I don't want anypony thinking I endorse this place. And we're never coming back here. Never, Sil." Diamond Tiara's body shuddered. "It's just… too horrible."

Silver Spoon looked back toward the prize claw machines. Sure, the decor wasn't ideal, she thought, but the prizes… She'd already decided on what to call one of them. She nibbled on her lip as she decided what to do, while Diamond removed her picture from the Wall of Birthdays. She could come here on her own, Silver Spoon finally decided, and just not tell Diamond Tiara where she'd gotten them from. It would be safe enough, since Diamond hadn't gotten to see the prize claw machines. And technically speaking, they wouldn't have come back here, since it would only be her.

Picture safely stored in Diamond's saddle bag, the two fillies exited through the door, shutting it behind them. The tension immediately left Diamond Tiara once a barrier separated her from the terror inducing constructs, shaken loose with one last shudder. She leaned close to Spoon.

"You sure we can't burn it down?"

"Diamond!"

"Just kidding!" Diamond said with a giggle, as she ducked a half-hearted smack. But am I really, my friend? she thought. They destroyed Mister Frump's legacy. Ruined some of my fondest childhood memories. Something would have to be done. Diamond didn't know what exactly, but given enough time, she would figure it out.

It was a few hours later when a shadowy figure glanced around to make sure nopony was around. When she had reassured herself that nopony was, she cautiously slipped toward the building. Just to be extra safe though, she wore a dark-blue suit that covered her from head to toe. It wouldn't do for a pony of her stature to be tied to what was about to happen after all. The other ponies would never understand, even if what she was about to do was for the greater good.

Scooting up to the side of the building, she reached into her impeccably well-crafted saddle bag and pulled out a bottle of fluid. Quickly, she twisted the lid and sprayed the paint thinner upon the wall, taking care to cover a wide enough area. She looked over her work, adding a few extra squirts for good measure.

Satisfied, she stepped back and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

Disgusting things, she thought, but she had to admit they had their uses, like if one wanted to have a time delayed fuse for an "accidental" fire. With a smile hidden beneath her mask, she lit it and placed it carefully. Everything in place, she sneaked away to a bush she had identified as the ideal hiding spot earlier that day.

There, she waited until she saw the flames race up the side of the building. Barely constraining a desire to do a quick happy dance, she darted off. Several streets away, she ducked into an alley.

When she emerged, she pranced proudly, carefully floating a pizza box. She now wore a hat with a rather wide brim, but quite stylish nonetheless. The sneak costume had been carefully disposed off in a dumpster. She had done it. She had dealt with the greatest catastrophe to ever threaten Ponyville before it had a chance to cause any harm. Even the owner wouldn't be too badly hurt. She'd made sure to check the place was insured before striking. She'd likely have struck anyway, she knew, but knowing that the owner would be compensated did much to ease her conscience for doing what had to be done. And as long as she remembered to reset the time on the clock in her home tonight, nopony would ever suspect her, not when she had arranged for an air-tight alibi.

Opening the door to her house, she called out, "Pizza's here!"

Three fillies cheered and swarmed toward the door. The pegasus among them leaped up and grabbed the box, then raced off to the kitchen, with the other two hot on her hooves.

The mare put her hat away in its box, and the box back in its place in the closet, then followed after the youngsters. As she entered the kitchen, all three fillies' heads swiveled her way.

"Rarity, can you take us to the Funhouse grand opening tomorrow?" Sweetie Belle asked between bites of pizza. "I bet they'll probably have lots of fun games!"

"And mirrors! I love funny mirrors!" Scootaloo added.

The other two fillies nodded their heads eagerly, while trying to look as cute and pleading as possible.

"We'll see, darlings," Rarity said, chuckling softly. "We'll see."

Author's Note