Trixie Trismegistus Subjugates the Demon Queens of Canterlot Castle

by Sporktacles

Rating: teen
Tags: Vice-Principal Luna, Equestria Girls, Trixie, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Slice of Life, Sunset Shimmer
Length: 3892

Trixie wields mighty artifacts in her assault on Canterlot Castle, to free the town from the tyranny of the Demon Queens!

Trixie Trismegistus Trisdunamis, wandering adventurer and wizard supreme, faces her greatest and most terrible enemies yet - The Demon Queen of Fire and the Demon Queen of Darkness! Armed with her formidable magical artifacts, she stands before their impenetrable castle and prepares to crack open the horrors within.

Hear the tale of how the Great and Powerful (and also very attractive) wizard emerges victorious and brings her enemies under her control!

Published 2016-03-10 04:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-10 22:33:27 UTC

A Very Chuunibyou Day

The mid-afternoon sun blazed unrelentingly upon the desolation of a land wracked by suffering and despair. In the bleak spell-torn wasteland, the few scattered communities that remained clung desperately to survival, usually around the leadership of powerful individuals capable of coaxing a tortured, pained existence from the ashes of the world.

In one such community, a lone feminine figure strode through the street, slowly making her way to the castle in the middle of town. As she passed, the eyes of the emaciated peasants turned to look upon the mysterious presence, wondering as to her purpose.

Upon her brow was a wide-brimmed hat that screamed “powerful wizard” – not literally, of course – and under the long, starry robes that covered her luscious form she wore a simple tunic and skirt. But much more distinctive than her attire were the objects she carried.

In her right hand was a long wooden staff, topped by twin writhing snakes under a pair of feathered wings. The ignorant villagers had no idea of its significance, but a scholar would instantly have recognized it as the Caduceus, once a symbol of mystical power unchallenged throughout the magical world. In her left hand was simple-looking crystal slab, but within that plain shell was power that made her staff look like a children’s toy. It was the Tabula Ocula, the Tablet of Eyes. Its might was so great that merely carrying it required the aid of the glowing green pieces-

“Blech. Fragments? Slivers? Oh wait! Shards.”

-shards of its now-shattered predecessor, the Tabula Smaragdina, better known as the Emerald Tablet. They had been embedded in the glove… gauntlet that right now adorned the hand which carried the artifact.

Relics of such immense power would have been excessive against almost any opponent in the world, but on that day they were absolutely necessary. For the wizard-girl had set herself against foes most foul and wicked and unclean, whose very existence could violate the foundations of reality.

The Demon Queens of Canterlot Castle.

Her quest would not be an easy one. Whilst the journey to the castle had been uneventful, now that she was so close, her enemies would doubtlessly have noticed her and would certainly be scrambling to fortify their evil lair. And sure enough, as soon as she approached the edges of the foreboding keep, a storm of whirring steel rose up before her feet, sweeping across the ground like a hovering moat of stampeding metal.

Such a barrier would have been impassable to any normal intruder – were anyone to foolishly step across the gap, they would have been instantly bludgeoned to death and quite possibly flattened. But the Demon Queens had reckoned without the esoteric magic that the wizard wielded.

The chief ability of the Caduceus was the power to nullify any and all lesser magics – which really meant all magic, save that of the Tablet of Eyes – and the ætheric energy that powered the barrier was no exception. The wizard raised the tip of the staff level with her hat's brim, pointing it towards the obstacle before her.

She concentrated. The staff wasn’t simply a magical tool – it had a mind of its own, and merely compelling it to fulfill the very purpose it was made for still required its wielder to best it in a contest of wills. An ordinary spell-caster would have cracked and gone insane trying to bend the Caduceus, but the wizard-girl was no ordinary spell-caster. Feeling the rush of mana, the fabric of the æther, flowing through her, she channeled it through the entwined serpents and into the bright wings, bringing the spell close to completion. She raised the artifact over her head and spake the word of power which would trigger the arcane patterns and give life to its magic –

“TRISMEGISTUS!”

The traffic light blinked, and the green word “Walk” replaced the red “Don’t Walk” that had shown seconds earlier. Several passers-by stared strangely at the girl standing at the crossing, wondering at her eccentric attire. As the cars slowed to a halt, she strode across the road still pointing ahead with her little model stick.

A boy of middle-school age with brown skin and orange hair watched curiously as she crossed. He wore a t-shirt under an unbuttoned plaid shirt along with dark-colored shorts, and on his head was a propeller beanie that inexplicably kept spinning despite the lack of wind. He pointed at the girl, tugging at the red sweatpants of an older woman standing next to him.

“Mom! Why’s that girl dressed like that? Is she one of those cultists you keep warning me about?”

His mother, a pretty lady with light beige skin and a lovely brunette braid, looked in the direction he pointed and narrowed her eyes. “Much worse, dear. She’s a LARPer.”

The wizard-girl noticed the attention of two townsfolk as she passed the first barrier. Their scrutiny was suspicious – they could easily be spies for her enemies. Of course, a great hero does not risk harming innocent bystanders over mere suspicions, but doing nothing would be foolish - and the foolish do not live long in the wastes.

Fortunately she had a solution that was both elegant and appropriate. Raising the brim of her hat slightly, just enough to expose her eyes, she flicked a quick glance in the direction of the pair. Summoning the mana once again, she cast forth the forbidden Gaze of Lethe, a cursed glamor that would wipe the short-term memories of anyone unfortunate enough for it to fall upon.

The woman pulled her son away quickly. “Don’t make eye contact, sweetie. She might start thinking that her hobby is… socially acceptable.”

Eyes still narrowed, the woman pointed the index and middle fingers on her right hand at her own eyes briefly before turning that hand so that those fingers were now pointing at the strangely dressed girl. Then she hurried her son away in the direction of the school parking lot.

As expected, the two townsfolk had departed in haste. The wizard smirked at the sight of their retreating backs, but did not dwell overlong on them. She had more important matters to pursue. Stepping onto the castle grounds at last, she immediately leapt upon a tall spire within the courtyard, surveying the walls of the foreboding keep for weaknesses and possible points of entry.

Beneath her, the castle’s denizens milled about mindlessly. Without a doubt, after months of oppression by their demonic masters, they were too brain-dead to notice the intruder. However, one-by-one, they suddenly turned their heads in her direction. The wizard-girl realized too late what had happened – the shining radiance of her incomparable beauty and lovely silver hair must have roused them from their stupor! After ages of being surrounded by ugliness, her divine comeliness must surely have transfixed their gazes upon her delectable form-

Applejack squinted at the figure not far away. “Dash, d’ya have any idea why Trixie is standing on the Wondercolt Statue pedestal dressed like she took a wrong turn out of a ren-faire?”

“Not a clue.” Rainbow Dash continued dribbling with her soccer ball, largely ignoring the girl perched atop the ruins of the statue. “But tell me when she falls off so I can laugh at her.”

Applejack frowned. “Ya don’t think that’s just a mite mean?”

“She’s like, four feet above the ground,” said Rainbow dismissively. “The only thing she’ll bruise that ridiculously huge ego of hers.”

Applejack snorted at her friend's comment. “Yer really sayin’ that with a straight face, are ya.”

“What?”

Despite their clearly lust-filled eyes, the castle servants were of little threat. But the wizard refrained from entering through the drawbridge – powerful as she was, attacking the fortress head-on would be foolish when more discreet avenues were potentially available. Descending from the spire, she circled the walls, seeking an alternate means of ingress.

As the rear wall came into view, the wizard-girl found what she was looking for – a crystal portal built into the side of the keep. But she was no fool. Such an obvious weakness in their defenses must surely have been sealed by powerful spells.

No matter. Once again, she boldly stood before the obstacle, activating magic of the Caduceus with the word of power:

“TRISMEGISTUS!”

The automatic glass doors slid open as the stick passed under the sensor. Behind them, a weary older man in a dirt-colored suit frowned at the sight of the oddly-dressed girl. He looked very unhappy to see her here, raising one hand to bar her from entry.

“Trixie, how many times have I had to tell you: this door is for deliveries only!” said Mr Cranky Donkey, in a tone that made his name seem especially fitting.

Trixie looked him squarely in the eye, raising a pointing finger in a “here’s the thing” gesture and opened her mouth to explain.

Then she dropped a smoke capsule, ducked under his arm, and ran like the dickens.

It took a few seconds for Cranky to recover from the smoke and turn to the direction she had fled. Part of him wanted to give chase, but on the other hand, school had just ended and he wanted to go home to his wife.

He shook his head. “Ugh. Not worth it.”

Having evaded the vicious ogre with her incredible skill and wits, the wizard-girl quickly made her way into the heart of the fortress. She looked into the terrible confines of the castle rooms, realizing that randomly barging into every one was suicide. So she paused and decided upon a plan.

There were two Demon Queens. The first, the Demon Queen of Fire, was chaotic and unpredictable, so there was no telling which part of the castle she was now occupying. Looking for her would be too dangerous, and the commotion may give her enough warning to flee. But the other, the Demon Queen of Darkness, was very, very predictable indeed. It was well known that she seldom left her private chambers, waiting like a spider for her enemies to enter her web.

It did not take long to find the lair of the Demon Queen of Darkness. It was well known that beyond that seemingly-ordinary door, she conducted her twisted experiments, wresting the darkest secrets of magic from the universe to satisfy her perverse curiosities. The wizard girl approached, ready to kick it open, but was stopped by a sound coming from beyond it. It was a voice, one that she recognized immediately.

It was the voice of the Demon Queen of Fire.

Immediately, the wizard-girl went on guard. That voice meant that both the Demon Queens were present. For a moment, she wondered if they had been tipped off by their minions, but the awesome swiftness and stealth with which she had infiltrated the castle should have made that impossible. She dropped to her knees before the door and peered into the keyhole. Doubtlessly they were in the middle of some kind of fiendish plotting.

Oh gosh. Err… well, it could be said that what their hands were doing was some kind of plotting, after a fashion.

The wizard girl stared through the keyhole. Her mind was blank, unable to comprehend… no! Clearly they were attempting some kind of spell to mesmerize her, to strike at her through her mind. But the wizard was no weak-willed peasant. She would not be so easily distracted by the sight of this scene of sensuous smooching and seductive slurps surrounding these Sapphic succubi!

…

Well, okay. Maybe she’d be distracted for just a few seconds.

…

…

Oh, yeah.

…

No, enough! She shook the image out of her head, but it still lingered, a testament to the terrifying insidiousness of their hypnotic power. Nevertheless, even though the wizard-girl had broken out of their awful mind-control, she still had a problem - together, the Demon Queens could easily overpower the might of the Caduceus.

But it also represented a great opportunity – it was, after all, not the only artifact the wizard-girl carried, and defeating them both at once would be far quicker than facing them one at a time. Her grip tightened around the weight in her left hand. She had hoped that it would not be necessary to use its power, but desperate situations called for equally desperate tactics. She weighed the dangers of its use against the dangers of her enemies, and nodded to herself. The answer was clear.

She would use the Tablet of Eyes.

She stood up, bracing herself for the confrontation. Holding the Tabula Ocula before her, she began channeling the mana into the crystalline matrix that made up its physical shell. The Tablet of Eyes was far, far more willful than the Caduceus could ever hope to be, and it took some time before she could compel the mystical patterns to properly align for the spell.

This was the moment of truth. If the spell succeeded, the Demon Queens would be bound by its incredible power and their threat would be ended forever. If it failed…

It would not fail.

She pushed the door open and activated the spell.

“TRISMEGISTUS!”

Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle were frozen in shock, mid-kiss. It took nearly ten seconds before either of them realized what was going on, but the moment they did, they pulled apart in a sudden and frantic untangling of limbs and clothing.

Sunset was the first to recover enough wits to speak. Obviously furious, she half yelled, “What are you doing here, Trixie!?”

Trixie smirked. “Quake in terror, Demon Queen! I, Trixie Trismegistus Trisdunamis, have come to vanquish thee! Behold the might of the Tabula Ocula, whose power is unmatched!”

Twilight was struggling to find her glasses, which had fallen off while they were making out. “Trixie... Thrice-Great and Thrice-Powerful?” She continued to grope futilely at the desk before Sunset picked up her glasses and handed them to her. Twilight gratefully accepted them and put them back on, adjusting them so she could properly look at Trixie.

“Is that an iPad?”

“It is the Tablet of Eyes!”

Twilight looked Trixie up and down, noting the ridiculous costume, staff, and glove. “You look really chuunibyou right now.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Chooney-what?”

Twilight sighed. “It’s Neighponese slang. Literally, it means second-year middle-school sickness, but it refers to those bouts of imaginative delusions that fourteen-year-olds sometimes have."

"Huh. It's like all those foals in Equestria pretending they are red-and-black alicorns..." mused Sunset.

"I guess?" Twilight turned back to Trixie and took another look at her costume. "That caduceus is kind of well-designed, though. Where'd you get it?"

Trixie eyed her cautiously. "Trixie obtained it after long years of research, excavation and an arduous adventure in the Amarezon jungle!"

"By that, you mean you ordered it from Amarezon.com." said Sunset flatly.

"Maaaaybe..."

Sunset groaned. "Trixie, aren't you a little old to be playing make-believe?”

“Trixie is not too old to be playing make-believe! Err, that is, this is not make-believe! Both of you have been smitten by the power of Trixie’s magic, and will now obey her!”

Sunset gave Twilight an expression that said "Is she for real?", getting a simple shrug in return. Then she turned back to Trixie.

“Trixie, you do realize that I am kind of an expert at real magic, right? Twilight and I even had a magic duel at the end of the Friendship Games right in front of the whole school!”

Trixie looked a little downcast at the mention of that event. “I wish I could have had a taste of using that kind of magic…” she muttered sadly.

Twilight smiled sympathetically. She certainly understood that feeling: she had spent a long time at Crystal Prep seeking the origins of the strange energy, and even though it hadn't turned out well, she couldn't deny that it was exciting to have had the chance to touch and wield real, true magic, the kind that had only existed in legends.

Sunset, however, wasn't so easily moved. “Trixie, please leave us alone!”

Trixie’s face hardened. “Your mistress commands you to bring her a snack!”

Sunset facepalmed. “Trixie, I thought we already established this. You don’t have control over us, and we don’t have to do what you tell us to.”

Trixie smirked and raised an eyebrow, turning the screen of the iPad to face the other two girls. On it was a MyStable “status update” page, still unposted, with a photograph of two girls engaged in a make-out session that was clearly more vigorous than would be considered acceptable for school. Trixie’s finger hovered menacingly over the “post” button.

“Oh really? I’m sure Vice-Principal Luna will be very interested to see this. Trixie did tell you that the power of the Tablet of Eyes was unmatched.”

Sunset looked at Twilight worriedly. As she expected, Twilight returned her look with an extremely frightened expression, frantically shaking her head.

Sunset sighed. “Peanut butter and jelly crackers?”

“Yes!” cheered Trixie.

“Fine. But you delete that picture right away, and you better make sure Vice-Principal Luna doesn’t find out, either!”

“Oh, I have a feeling she already knows,” said Vice-Principal Luna.

All three girls turned to the door, where a dark-haired woman with bluish skin stood. She looked very annoyed.

“Twilight Sparkle, I am fairly sure this was not the kind of experimenting Dean Cadance had in mind when she asked me to provide you a private room for a lab.”

Twilight nodded guiltily. Sunset followed suit, looking equally embarrassed.

“Detention, both of you. Now. And next time, don’t do this on school grounds.”

The two girls headed dejectedly out of the room towards their punishment. Luna and watched them go before turning towards the last girl remaining.

Trixie gulped. “I um… I don’t think that I did anything against the rules…”

Luna’s expression did not change. She looked at the stick that Trixie held, and held out an open palm.

Realizing what the Vice-Principal wanted, Trixie hugged the Caduceus staff protectively and shook her head. A pleading look filled her eyes, and she jutted out a quivering lower lip.

Luna was unmoved, making a quick “give it here” gesture with her fingers. Resignedly, Trixie handed the staff over, hanging her head in disappointment.

Feeling a little sorry for her, Luna sighed. “You can have it back at the end of the school term.”

That reassurance cheered Trixie up a little. Luna sent the girl on her way and returned to the school office.

Celestia looked up as Luna entered, her gaze immediately falling on the confiscated toy. “Is that a Hermetic Caduceus?”

“Yes. Beatrix Lulamoon has been pointing it at students and school property for the past two days yelling ‘TRISMEGISTUS!’ and annoying people.” Luna sighed. “The imagination that teenagers have these days…”

Celestia raised one eyebrow quizzically. She straightened out her hair, letting her fringe fall over the left half of the front of her face. Then she stood up, posing with her left hand on her hip and her right hand outstretched in front of her, palm facing forwards and fingers splayed.

Luna cringed as she recognized that stance from her own teenhood.

Grinning like a madman, Celestia declared, “Luna? Luna is no more! Behold! For I am… NIGHTMARE MOOOOOON! The world shall be swept away by the black tides of my cursed magic! BWAHAHAHA!” Her maniacal laughter very quickly gave way to a fit of hysterical giggling.

Luna buried her face in her hands in pure embarrassment. Without opening her eyes, she asked in a tiny voice, “Are you ever going to let me live that down?”

Celestia’s giggling faded slowly. She looked at her sister with a warm, loving smile that radiated with genuine sororal affection.

“No.”

Epilogue - The Demon Queens Ruminate in Their Captivity

Sunset Shimmer threw her head backwards, groaning in boredom. “Ugh, and here I thought my detention days were behind me…”

“I think this is the first time I’ve ever been in detention,” said Twilight regretfully.

“Well, at least we’re here together,” said Sunset. “We can walk home together later, too.”

Twilight just smiled.

“Anyway, I’m still trying to figure out what is up with Trixie lately. She’s being even crazier than usual,” wondered Sunset.

“It’s kind of normal for teenagers to have imaginative wish-fulfillment fantasies,” explained Twilight. “I mean, I admit that I’ve fantasized about being confident, sexy and having dark magical powers to take revenge on all the students that looked down on me back at Crystal Prep. I think that’s why I transformed into what I did when I got hold of Equestrian magic during the Friendship Games. It’s a little embarrassing, but then, surely you’ve had some power fantasies back when you were younger.”

“What, me?”

An orange pegasus with an electric blue mane flew over to the top of the ruined castle, landing on one of few remaining patches of clear floor. He tried to avoid stepping on the rubble as he approached the tower spire, where a red and black alicorn wearing a golden crown stood, resplendent in her majestic beauty.

“My Queen…” he began.

“Wait,” she said, frowning downwards. He obeyed.

Princess Celestia coughed as she struggled against the weight of the hoof at her neck, but her shattered horn and torn wings made it obvious that effort was in vain.

“Sunset…”

“What do you think, Celestia?” asked the sable alicorn. “Am I ready for Princesshood now? Am I ready for my destiny?”

“Please…” sobbed Celestia. “I know I was wrong! I should have made you a Princess years ago. You were the best student I ever had, and I should have realized nopony else would ever be your equal!”

“It’s a little late for that, Princess,” mocked Sunset Shimmer, her horn beginning to glow a sickly red. “Enjoy your thousand years in the Sun. Ta-ta for now!”

Celestia screamed. Her cry faded quickly as a lance of bright red energy flung her limp body into the blackened sky. High above them, the faded sun flared but for a second before dark blotches, in the pattern of a horned mare’s head, appeared slowly across its surface.

Sunset stepped to the edge of the tower, looking over the valley below at her new dominion. Behind her, the orange pegasus began reciting the list of victories her transformed minions had accomplished against the royal guard and Equestrian military forces. She smirked.

“And now, the reign of Queen Sunset Shimmer will last FOREVER! BWAHAHAHAHA!”

Sunset blushed. “Eheh… er, no. Never.”

Author's Note

Let's be honest. We've all done it.

EDIT: From the comments, I think a few people have gotten the impression that what Trixie is doing is some form of LARPing (live action roleplaying), which isn't really the case. I tried to imply very strongly that Trixie is suffering from a somewhat intense bout of chuunibyou, literally "Middle-Two-Disease", or better translated as "second-year middle-school syndrome", which refers to the kind of over-immersive make-believe that afflicts some 14-year-olds who have very active imaginations. Button's Mom only assumes Trixie is LARPing based on her outfit, so no, I'm not trying to make fun of LARPers.

I am making fun of red-and-back alicorns, though.