The Random Royal Funeral

by Darth Link 22

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 9932

Celestia and Luna invite Twilight to participate in the royal tradition of seeing her own funeral.

Twilight Sparkle suddenly finds herself caught up in a grand tradition for the immortal rulers of Equestria: holding their own funerals. What can possibly go wrong? The answer: a lot. A whole lot.

Sex tag is for only the mention of it happening. Nothing truly explicit happens.

A commission from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.

Published 2016-08-08 22:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-08 22:40:02 UTC

The Only Chapter

Celestia’s alarm went off. Almost immediately her hoof hit the top of the clock. Her big eyes opened wide as she leapt out of bed, feeling as excited as a schoolfilly on the last day of school.

“The day has arrived!”

She lit up her horn and teleported. In a flash she was in her sister’s room. Luna jumped out of bed, surprised by her sister’s intrusion.

“Sister, what is...”

Before Luna could finish, Celestia wrapped her forelegs around her in a hug. “Oh, sister, it’s finally here! Our special day is here!”

Luna brightened up. “You mean...”

“Yes! Our first in so long! I cannot tell you how much I’ve looked forward to this! All those centuries of having to celebrate alone, but finally, we’ll be able to do it together!”

“Oh, Celestia!”

The two released each other and Luna jumped to their hooves. “So, do you think they’re here yet?”

Celestia gave a smile. “I know they are. It came through just before we went to bed. I wanted to keep it a surprise.”

Luna squealed in delight. “I simply must see!”

“They’re waiting in our sitting room!”

Luna didn’t wait for anything else. She teleported to see her prize. Celestia was only grateful that Luna had mastered the art of sleeping in her regalia, otherwise she would have forgotten them.

Celestia followed, only to see Luna, wide eyed and crying tears of joy.

“They look... they look so beautiful! So perfect!”

Celestia had to agree. Long, sleek, black, all velvet interior, it was certainly or luxury model.

“They’re so perfect... these coffins are going to look great once we’re in them!” Luna gushed on. “In fact, I have to try mine.”

In a flash Luna was laying in her casket, snuggling into the heavily padded interior. Smiling, she set her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Crossing her forelegs over her barrel, she didn’t move for a moment.

Celestia smiled. “Here lies my darling baby sister, Princess Luna. She was always a proud and dignified pony, when she wasn’t wetting the bed, or crying that colts didn’t like her, or throwing a temper tantrum over how the new Ghostbuckers movie was going...”

“Tia!” Luna shouted, jumping from the casket and smacking her sister. The older Alicorn laughed, and Luna grinned as well. “Just for that, I’m going to make sure your eulogy includes a mention of your cake padded flank.”

Celestia gave a snort of laughter, but decided not to feed Luna further. She looked over the caskets again. Brilliant silver handles were on each side for the pallbearers, and the wood was polished to a record shine. They would accompany the sisters well at their funeral. The three were a perfect matching set.

She stopped. Wait... three?

“They must have gotten the order wrong,” Celestia said out loud, searching for the invoice. “I only asked for two.”

“They got nothing wrong, sister,” Luna said. She turned away from the coffin to look at her sister, pawing the ground absently with one hoof. Celestia started feeling like Luna was a child again.

“Luna... did you ask for this third?” She looked at the extra again. She realized it was smaller than the other two, only about half the size of the others. “Are you planning on having Tiberius buried with you? It’s a little big for him...”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” Luna assured. “Just... close the cover on it, and I think you’ll understand.”

Celestia was a bit confused, but did as she was instructed. As she grabbed the cover, she realized what Luna meant. Their coffins were decorated with their cutie marks, meaning this third one would likely have a similar design.

As she turned out to be correct. When she closed the cover, she saw it: a bright pink six-pointed star, a white star behind it, and five smaller stars circling them.

“Twilight? You want Twilight to participate?”

“Sister... you practically raised Twilight as a filly. I know you love her like a daughter. And she was the one who purged Nightmare Moon’s influence out of me and let me come home. I love her like a sister. She’s family, and I can think of no greater honor than having her die along side us.”

Celestia smiled. “You’re right sister. Now come, let’s kill Twilight!”

Twilight sat dumbfounded at her mentor’s words. “You want... you... what?”

“We want you to be in our funeral.”

“...funeral? We’re Alicorns! We don’t die!

“That’s true,” Luna said, “but every hundred years we throw ourselves a fake funeral. It’s a family tradition, and we’d like you to be a part of it.”

“But... why?”

“There are three reasons,” Celestia said. “First off, to help bring ourselves down to mortal level. When you live as long as we do, you have to do everything you can to keep yourself grounded, and in close with the common pony. It can be far too easy to forget that the ponies you guide have their own individual lives.”

Luna continued. “The second reason is that it allows our subjects to petition grievances with us.”

Twilight tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“When we’re in our coffins, we place ourselves under a special trance that renders us semi-conscious and unable to move. The citizens, thinking the spell has made us completely unconscious and we can’t hear them, are able to say whatever they want to us without fear of retribution. Since we are so beloved, it’s the only way we can get honest criticism. Then we can address these grievances and received further praise.”

Twilight nodded. “Then what’s the third reason?”

“Simple,” Celestia said. “Legally dying means we can legally reset our ages every hundred years. Do you seriously want to feel a hundred?”

Twilight shivered. “No, no I don’t.”

“So will you join us?” Luna asked.

Twilight considered. “Well, I don’t know...”

“Come now, Twilight, it will be fun!” Celestia assured. “You’ll get a chance to hear what the ponies think of you! Sure, they might pale in comparison next to me...”

“...Wait, what?”

“Twilight, you’ve only been a princess for two years, and you’ve barely scratched the surface of the political duties. You’re not in real princess-level worship yet...”

“What?”

“Actually, now that I think about it, maybe we should leave you out of this one. You might not be ready yet. What do you think, Twilight?

Twilight was silent for a moment, her eyes drifting away from the sisters. She seemed to be considering something very seriously.

“Twilight?”

The purple Alicorn kept sitting there, not moving.

Then, suddenly, she pressed her hoof to her barrel and screamed out in pain. She fell to the floor, as limp as a noodle.

The two older Alicorns walked up to her and smiled. “So, I take it that’s a yes?” Celestia asked.

Twilight opened her eyes and smiled. “Of course I do. You were saying all that just to get me to agree, weren’t you?”

“...Yes. Yes, that’s totally what I was doing.”

“You know what? Sure. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?”

Meanwhile, in Chaosville.

Discord sat on his couch, reading a book backwards, and eating each page as he finished it. This method really saved time on murder mysteries.

As he set, he suddenly felt a chill up his spine. He looked up, then looked around. He smiled. “Ooh! Someone said it! Someone said it! Ooh, the next few days are going to be fun!”

Twilight lay on her bed, a bouquet of flowers in her front legs. She fidgeted a bit, trying to get comfortable. Her bedroom had only a few extra decorations, such as the floral arrangement that had been sent for her approval, but it felt like the hall where the service was being held.

“Let’s see... should a keep them symmetrical? Or should I let them overlap? Oh, I don’t know!”

As she struggled to try and find the best position to lie in, the door to her bedroom opened, and her friends walked in. Spike led the small group, Twilight’s checklist on his clipboard.

“Twilight! We have everything, the flowers, the pictures, everything! They’re ready to be looked over!”

“That’s great, but I need something from all of you first.”

“But of course, Darling,” Rarity said. “Anything you need, just name it!”

Twilight took a deep breath. “I want a sample of what you’re all going to be saying at the funeral. I’d like to know what my eulogy is going to be like.”

“Heh, piece of cake,” Rainbow Dash said, pushing her way to the front of the crows. “I got this! I wrote the best eulogy for you ever.”

“You?” Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow.

The cyan Pegasus nodded. “You just lay back and leave everything to me, okay?”

Twilight was hesitant for a moment, but eventually laid back down on the bed and allowed her friend to step forward.

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat and spoke. “I first met Twilight Sparkle at the Summer Sun Celebration, on the day before Princess Luna returned. I’ll never forget how crazy her mane looked. It was like some idiot styled it. Anyway, the day we met, I proved how totally awesome I was by clearing the sky in ten seconds flat. She didn’t believe me, but I showed her.”

“Rainbow,” Twilight warned, opening an eye.

“Twilight, you’re supposed to be dead. Now where was I... oh yeah. That was they day she totally fell in love with me.”

“What?”

“I mean, I could tell she was totally into me. But then again, who isn’t? She secretly wanted me, which was the entire reason she left her palace to live in a tree.”

“What?” Twilight repeated, jumping off of the bed. “Rainbow Dash, stop!”

“What? Nothing to be embarrassed about, Egghead, not many can resist my awesome flank.”

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash was coated in a purple aura and tossed to the side. As she crashed into a wall with a small cry of “I’m okay!”, Twilight rubbed her temples.

“I hope the rest of you have something more constructive to say.”

“Ooh! Ooh! Me next! Me next!” Pinkie said, hopping up to stand in front of the coffin. Twilight rolled her eyes, but lay back down and stayed still.

Pinkie cleared her throat. “I first met Twilight when she came to Ponyville on Princess Celestia’s orders, and it only took fighting an ancient and malevolent evil for us to become friends! And I really admired how much of a smartypants she was! Well, sometimes she could have lapses in judgement, like when she tried to alter the past with a time travel spell, completely forgetting Star Swirl’s second law of time travel, stating that the past cannot be changed, only observed, or the fact that she was so amazed by my Pinkie-copter, even though I just followed a few laws of wind resistance and motion. I mean really, you’d think graduates of the most prestigious school in Equestria could figure this out before I could. And that’s not even getting into this perpetual motion machine I made.”

From out of the hammerspace came a small machine with a rotating wheel. “I mean, look at it. It just keeps getting faster and faster and faster... Twilight, you’re supposed to be laying down.” Pinkie pressed her hoof on Twilight’s forehead and pushed her back onto the bed. Twilight, still stunned by all of Pinkie’s smart talk, couldn’t resist.

“Now where was I? Oh yeah, Twilight. She could also be a little neurotic, but that’s just a quirk. We all loved her and we’re going to miss her very much.”

Pinkie bowed and left the side of the bed, as a bunch of shocked ponies watched her.

“Um... I suppose I’ll go next if there’s no objections,” Rarity said at last, stepping forward. After a moment, she cleared her throat. “Um... Twilight was a dear friend of mine. I made so many dresses, so many beautiful, beautiful dresses for her. Like this one that she wore to the Grand Galloping Gala,” she said, holding up the dress that she had made for that so called best night ever. “Of this other one she wore to another Gala,” she levitated her most recent dress up. “Or this one she wore to her brother’s wedding,” she floated another up. “Or especially this one, that she wore at her coronation.” The fourth dress joined the other three.

“Rarity...”

“Yes, I designed all these for her in my shop, Carousel Boutique, now with two sister locations open in Manehattan and Canterlot, with a third coming later this year in Fillydelphia! And in memorial to my fallen friend, I’m offering a special sale! All my dresses come at a 33% discount! Hurry now and...”

“Rarity!” Twilight yelled, causing the Unicorn to stop.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“Really? You’re going to use my funeral to make a sales pitch?”

“Why of course, Darling. What’s wrong with that?”

“What’s... did you learn nothing from my birthday? Or my brother’s wedding? Or the Ponyville Days festival?”

“...I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

“I know you don’t,” Twilight said, pushing Rarity off the stage with her magic. She took a deep breath. “Fluttershy, your turn. Unless you’re using this as a platform for the Save the Timberwolves Foundation.”

Fluttershy sheepishly lowered her “Timberwolves Deserve Life Too” sign and stepped back.

“Applejack?”

Applejack stepped forward, taking the same place at the others.

“Twilight was a great friend. I cannot tell you how lucky and blessed I was to have known her. She was like family to me an’ the rest of my kin, and she was loyal to us, even when we weren’t always loyal to her. She was willin’ to help me out when I was in over my head, or give me a good smack down to reality when I was doin’ somethin’ stupid. I want everypony to know how great she was, somepony who really deserved the title of princess. Why I remember...”

“Will you just kiss her, already?”

Both Twilight and Applejack turned crimson at Rainbow Dash’s outburst. “What?” they shouted in unison.

“Seriously, could it be any more obvious you were in love? Honestly.”

“Rainbow, what is your deal with thinking everypony was in love with everypony else?”

“Oh, I don’t think everypony is in love with everypony else. Just that everypony’s in love with me. And you taking Twilight would spare me from having to break her heart.”

“Seriously?” Twilight said.

“Come on, Twilight, Applejack’s not as hot as me, but she’s still pretty good.”

“Seriously?” Applejack said.

“Well, yeah. No need to be jealous, even though I did kind of take your mare. It’s just a curse of being so sex-mazing.”

“Rainbow Dash, please stop,” Rarity said.

“Thank you, Rarity,” Twilight said.

“You’re messing up my shipping chart,” Rarity finished, pulling out a white sheet.

“...Your what?”

“Darling, I can sense love. If anything happened to your sister-in-law, I shall become the Princess of Love. Looked, I’ve paired everypony in Ponyville up.”

“You paired me up with Rainbow Dash?” Applejack said. “Yeah, real original.”

“I get paired with Big Mac?” Pinkie said. “No offense, Rarity, but I think you’re just a little crazy. Who would think that could work?

“And why am I paired with Sunset Shimmer?” Twilight demanded.

“Well, you two do have a lot of moments together.”

“What, can’t two ponies just be very good friends? And what’s that dotted line between me and Cadance?”

“That’s for when Shining Armor and Sunset die and you two seek solace in each other.”

“...You have way too much free time. Just put that chart away and... wait, how could you know Sunset and I have moments together?”

“Spike told me.”

The lavender Alicorn glared at Spike, who shrugged. “Come on, I saw you two. There’s so much subtext.”

“But I’m not interested in her!”

“I’m not listening! I have the subtext!”

“Well, it does look... nice, in a morbid way,” Twilight said, looking at the set.

“Nothing but the best,” Celestia said, “especially for the ponies I care about. Go ahead, give it a try.”

Twilight was a bit hesitant at first, but she did so, carefully climbing into her casket. She settled down, snuggling into the padded interior. It was so comfortable, like she was resting on a cloud.

“It is comfortable, almost as good as a bed. I feel like I could fall asleep right now.”

“Oh, you can’t do that!” Luna said, pulling Twilight from the casket and setting her on her hooves. “Tomorrow’s the big day! We have to remain awake and alert!”

“But... we already did everything! Got the casket, the flower arrangements, passed out the invitations, made sure my friends don’t make idiots out of themselves during their eulogies... what else is there?”

“Seriously? Now comes the fun part!” Luna said. She grabbed the other two Alicorns in her grip and began pulling them toward the dining room. Celestia and Twilight followed, eventually finding their own footing, and keeping a pace behind them.

“What is she so excited about?” Twilight whispered to her mentor.

“Something that only a lifetime of morbid fascination gets you excited about,” Celestia whispered to her student as they entered the room.

It was empty except for one pony. Cadance was sitting at the table, a strange hat sitting in front of her.

“What’s that?” Twilight asked.

“It’s time to chose how you die!” Cadance said.

Twilight looked at her sister-in-law. “You’re not doing the funeral with us? Why?”

Celestia spoke. “Cadance has some... interesting ideas about her funeral, and so we do them separately.”

“Seriously, how can you two have lived thousands of years and still be such prudes? My death should not be the ending of love. That’s why I would want all my mourners to really let loose and...”

“Dear niece, why don’t you shuffle the hat and let us begin?” Luna interrupted. The last thing she needed is to be reminded of Cadance’s strange appetites.

“Fine,” Cadance said, holding the hat up to Celestia. “Age before beauty.”

Celestia smirked, pulling a method out of the hat. She looked at it. “Death by old age... a hard one to pull off, but I think I can manage.”

Luna drew next. “Death by allergic reaction to animal fur... yes, I think I could use Tiberius for this one. Shame it isn’t death by battle, but not every year can be a winner.”

Cadance offered the hat to her favorite filly. “You get the last one.”

Twilight reached in, pulling out a slip. She looked at it and immediately frowned. “Death by sonic diarrhea?”

“Oh, wow,” Cadance laughed. “An interesting one for your first time. Well, I have the sonic laxatives in my room...”

“I’m not doing that,” she said tossing the slip away.

Luna shook her head. “Twilight Sparkle, the hat is a sacred bond. You cannot simply toss it out.”

“Oh, let her pick again,” Celestia said. “Let her first one be special.”

Twilight nodded gratefully to her mentor before pulling out another slip of paper. She looked at it. “...Death by Super AIDS?”

“Oh, lucky!” Cadance said. “You have to have about a hundred times more sex to catch those than regular AIDS!” To her confusion, Twilight discarded it and drew another.

“Death by autoerotic asphyxiation? What does that even mean?”

“Oh you keep getting all the good ones. It’s when...”

“Cadance, no!” Celestia said, stopping her niece. “You know the rules, she has to ration those things until she gets bored with regular sex.”

Cadance grumbled. “Fine. But I get to be the one that tells her.”

Twilight drew another one. “Death by several extreme injuries to the flank, oh come on!”

Cadance smiled. “Oh man, Twilight, you’re lucky. You’re getting all the sexy ones!”

“Cadance, I don’t... wait, why is the diarrhea one sexy?” Twilight immediately held up a hoof. “No, don’t answer, I really don’t want to know.” She sighed and looked down at the slip. “I’m afraid if I throw this one out, it’s going to be worse. So fine, I’ll take this one.”

“Excellent.” Celestia said. “Well, best get to it.”

In a flash, Celestia turned thin, emaciated, and wrinkly. She fell to one side, supposedly dead. Then she immediately regained her usual beautiful self.

Luna walked to her bedroom, “Tibbles, sweetheart! Mommy needs you to sit on her face for a while!”

“Now I just need to find some way to injure my flank,” Twilight muttered as she walked out of the room. “How can I do that?”

“Um, Twilight,” Cadance started. “If you need some help, I have several things specially made to do that...”

But Twilight, too caught up in her thoughts, didn’t notice. She left the room, barely hearing her former foalsitter’s words.

Cadance sighed. After a moment, Rarity came into the room. She turned to the white Unicorn. “Did you show her the chart?”

“Yes, but I’m afraid she didn’t seem all that into the idea.”

“Give it time,” Cadance said. “I’m willing to play the long game. I married Shining Armor, after all.”

“Several injuries to the flank... several injuries to the flank,” Twilight repeated to herself as she walked towards the large staircase leading to the lower levels.

“Hey Twilight!” Pinkie said, munching a banana. “What’s going on?”

“Pinkie, they picked the way I die, but it’s several injuries to the flank. How in Equestria am I supposed to make that wor-”

Twilight was cut off by slipping on a banana peel Pinkie had left on top of the stairs. With a cry, she started falling down the staircase, hitting her rump on each and every step.

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”

“Coming through with a large order of spearheads!” The delivery pony said as he ascended the staircase.

Twilight landed rump first in the box of spearheads, leaping out of it with an even more pained yell. Twilight continued to fall, spearheads still stuck in her flank.

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”

“Coming through with a large order of knives!” the second delivery pony said. Twilight landed rump first in it as well, earning new items stuck in her rump.

“Why are all these boxes open? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”

At the base of the stairs, a guard and a delivery pony argued.

“For the last time, we did not order a crate of broken glass!”

“Well, you could have told me that before I opened it up!”

Twilight landed rear first in the glass. She leapt out, howling in pain before hitting the floor as a bloody mess.

“Ow... ow...”

“Ah, ah, ah, Twilight,” Pinkie said as she reached the bottom of the banister she was sliding down. “You’re supposed to be dead, remember?”

“Please get me some pain medication.”

“Everypony, come quick! Twilight’s dead!” Pinkie called, ignoring her friend’s misery.

“Why am I too young to have instant healing?”

The others ran up to her in a hurried state. They looked at Twilight’s body.

“What, already?” Rainbow Dash said. “Could have given us more of a warning. Let’s see...” She cleared her throat, then got into the most exaggerated pose she could manage. “Oh no! Oh no! Twilight is dead!”

“Seriously, I really hurt. Please help me...”

“Honestly, Twilight, what part of ‘you’re supposed to be dead’ did you not understand?” Rarity asked.

“You know what? Nevermind. I think I’m about to black out from pain...”

Rarity smiled. “Well, before you do...” She got in an even more dramatic pose. “Oh, woe is Equestria! It’s lost a princess! Parents have lost their child! Cadance lost her future wife, hint hint, nudge nudge...”

Sadly, Twilight had already passed out by this point.

“Oh my,” Applejack said, each word coming out of mechanically. “Our beloved Twilight is dead. This certainly is a great loss that makes me feel sad. I feel completely sad that I have lost a good friend. A good friend is dead.”

“Oh no! Twilight!” Pinkie said, her tears suddenly pouring out of her eyes in great quantity on command.

“...Um, do we really need to do this?” Fluttershy said. “Twilight’s already passed out. We could just take her to her room to get her ready...”

“Twilight! Twilight!” Pinkie cried.

“Oh no! Woe is me!” Applejack said.

“Seriously, maybe we should...”

“I should have allowed you to have me!” Rainbow Dash said. “No pony should have to go through life without tasting the Rainbow!”

Fluttershy sighed. “Well... Oh my, Twilight! You are dead! Boo hoo!”

And so, the day of the funeral arrived.

Twilight had spent twelve hours having various shrapnel pulled out of her bottom, and afterwards she felt a lot better. She felt even better in the warm embrace of the casket. Everything was so soft, so peaceful.

Realizing she was talking about sleeping in a casket, she made a mental note to arrange more sessions with her doctor.

Cadance stood at the podium as the audience gathered. Deciding the area was full, she decided to start her speech.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, we have gathered here to mourn the loss of three of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen. I invite you all now to step forward and say your piece to them. Please keep in mind there are plenty of mourners, so please keep what you have to say as brief as possible.”

Twilight, despite laying in her casket with her eyes closed, had a good view of the funeral. The spell Celestia had cast over the three of them had not only put their bodies in a catatonia, it had given them an out of body view thanks to some astral projection.

Twilight felt light-headed as her ethereal body floated above the scene, watching as ponies started trotting up to their caskets one by one. Celestia and Luna were next to her, watching their own mourners.

“Watch what happens, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said. “This will be quite... informative.”

Twilight nodded and looked down at her body. Her parents were the first of the mourners to arrive, or they had been allowed at the front. Either way, they stood in front of the casket. Unlike everypony else present, they just looked awkward.

“Um... are we supposed to be doing something?” Night Light asked. “I mean... she’s not really dead...”

“I think we’re supposed to just say something,” Twilight Velvet said. She looked at her daughter’s body. “Um... ponies often ask us about the real you. We tell them stories about when you were a foal, how you loved to learn and what a little sweetheart you are. Then they interrupt us, because they want to know about the adult you. And we have nothing to tell them, because you never call, write, or visit. I mean, honestly, Twilight, you only live a quick train ride away, can’t you make some time to visit? Sure, we didn’t go to your birthday party, or your knighting, and he didn’t visit you after your breakdown, but can you blame us? You...”

“Okay, I think we better go,” Night Light said, pushing his wife away. After a moment, he leaned back in. “I think your friend Fluttershy is hot.”

Twilight’s jaw hit the floor. Luna only gave her a sympathetic look. “I told you.”

Twilight shook her head. “No, no, no...”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure that not every mourner will be as disturbing as that.”

The next one up was her brother, Shining Armor. The stallion paused, then looked over at Cadance. “So she can’t hear a thing I say?”

Cadance nodded. “Absolutely, it’s perfectly safe.”

Shining Armor turned back to the casket. “I need to admit something to you. I wasn’t really brainwashed when I kicked you out of my wedding. The truth was, I didn’t even tell you about the wedding until so late because I was jealous. I signed on to be a great hero, and you beat me to the punch. I let that get in the way, and I’m really sorry. I’ve been doing everything I can to try and make it right.”

Twilight’s jaw hit the floor. Not metaphorically either, a loose body was one of the advantages of astral projection.

She wasn’t sure how to feel at first, but seeing her brother’s repentant expression left no doubt she’d forgive him.

“Oh, and I think your friend Fluttershy is really hot. I mean, did you see her flank?”

And Twilight’s jaw hit the floor again.

Cadance looked at Shining Armor. “Seriously? ...You’ve finally found a third for our little fun?”

Twilight’s jaw sank into the floor.

“If she says yes.”

Twilight was too busy trying to scrub the unwanted thoughts out of her brain to listen to anything else.

Celestia put a comforting wing around her. “Do not worry too much, Twilight. This isn’t nearly as awkward as finding out one of my students had a crush on me.”

Twilight tilted her head. “What’s so bad about that? Foals get crushes on their teachers all the time.”

“He was an orphan I had signed the adoption papers for years ago.”

“Ah. Then yes, that would be awkward."

The next mourner to come was Sunset Shimmer. Like Shining Armor before her, she asked if she was absolutely sure that Twilight couldn’t hear her before she spoke.

“Oh, Twilight, I’ve been wanting to say something to you for so long,” she said. “I... you did so much for me. Helped me in so many ways. You showed me the right way.” She stopped to push back the tears a little more before going on. “I... I fell in love with you.”

Twilight was extra glad she wasn’t actually in her body at the moment, as she thought she might have popped out of the coffin.

“I loved you. I wanted you so bad. I’m hoping I can confess to you... one day. Twilight... I hope I’m able to tell you soon, once I work up the nerve.”

Twilight’s mind was reeling. Sunset liked her? In that way? That was... that was amazing. She had to talk to her after this was all over.

Sunset walked off. Moondancer was next. “Oh, Twilight.I one day I get the chance to tell you when you’re conscious how much you mean to me... I love you.”

...What?

“Oh, it’s true! I thought you would have figured it out! But the reason I obsessed over you missing my party was because I love you with all my heart! I felt like I was never going to love again after it was all over! And then you reignited me! Oh Twilight!”

Well... it was going to be really awkward when this whole thing was over.

“And do you think we can get your friend Fluttershy in on the action? She’s hot!”

Of course.

Moondancer left, and then Trixie came up.

“Oh, Twilight Sparkle! I have to be honest now, the real reason I tried stealing Starlight from you was because I think you look sexy when you’re angry.”

Oh Sweet Celestia...

“It’s true! I wanted to see you get angry, then after I knew you’d inevitably accept me as your friend, I could seduce you with my great and powerful sexiness!” Trixie sighed. “I actually feel pity that you can’t go to Paradise, there are thousands of mes running around for you to admire and make love to.”

Twilight made a mental note to kick Trixie when she was finished here.

“That being said... I’m still angry with you.”

Twilight blinked. What? What right did Trixie have to be angry at her?

“For how you acted when Trixie got together with Starlight.”

...What?

“How dare you be totally accurate about the fact that I was going to do to Starlight? I simply can’t allow that to stand.” Trixie pulled out a magic marker and began scribbling something onto Twilight’s face.

Twilight was in panic. Why wasn’t Cadance doing anything about this? She looked over at her sister-in-law, who was chatting with Starlight.

“So, you’re sure that Twilight’s shown no sexual attraction to anything? At all?”

Starlight nodded. “She keeps talking about someone in the monkey world, but I think she’s just making it up. Honestly, inanimate objects have more of a sex drive than she does.”

“Oh, I can make her have a sex drive. Believe me.”

Well, this day was just getting worse and worse.

She turned back to see that Trixie had drawn a mustache and beard onto her. Smiling, she lit up her horn, causing the marks to fade. “They’ll reappear in about an hour, long after I’m gone. I’m sorry, I know my sexiness confused you to do something strange, but that’s no excuse.”

Starlight came forward. “What’s taking so long, Trixie?”

“Oh, nothing,” Trixie said, hiding the marker. “Trixie was just describing the Paradise with the thousand mes running around.”

“...Uh, Trixie?” Starlight said. “What makes you so sure that’s her version of Paradise?”

“Silly Starlight, it’s everypony’s version of Paradise.”

“But what if somepony doesn’t like you?”

“...I don’t understand the question. That’s like asking what if fish could fly and birds could swim. Have you ever heard of something so stupid?”

Twilight didn’t like you!”

“Oh, silly Starlight,” Trixie said, patting her on the head. “That was just my sexiness making her confused. It has the habit of melting the brains of ponies, even if they are almost as smart as I am.”

“Have I ever acted stupid around you?”

“You turned down a chance to dine with Princess Celestia just to hang out with me.”

Starlight opened her mouth to speak, but no response came out.

As Trixie walked off, Starlight leaned down into the coffin. “I wish I had listened to you.”

Freaking finally. Well, at least after all that it couldn’t get any more awkward.

“And I also have something to confess. I was just playing along during the time travel incident so you wouldn’t punish me. But then I fell in love with you along the way...”

Sweet Creator, why?

Celestia watched as several ponies lined up to give their grievances to a princess they thought couldn’t hear them. Every time one admitted they were afraid she’d be angry if she actually heard, Celestia felt a little stab in her heart. Why couldn’t these ponies understand that she loved them.

She sighed as she watched a husband and wife team come up and accuse her of not caring enough about them to send some tax dollars their way. Already debating whether or not to give the money, a new voice spoke.

“Well, having fun, Celly?”

Celestia jumped and turned to see Discord coming up behind her. He was already wearing his loud orange suit and top hat, but his body was in astral projection mode.

“Discord, this is supposed to be private among the Princesses...”

“Oh, I know,” the Spirit of Chaos said, “and believe me, I’m interested in keeping it that way. Listening to hundreds of ponies whine that you’re not omniscient and you didn’t solve their problems the minute they came into existence? No thank you. No, I came by because I thought you’d like the little eulogy I have written for you.”

At that, Celestia felt her blood run cold. “What? Oh no, no, no. You are not going to speak on my behalf...”

“And who is going to stop me?” Discord asked. A sheet of paper came into existence in front of him. He took up, bringing some half moon spectacles into existence in front of his face as he read the list.

“I first met Celestia five thousand years ago, and let me tell you, if you think she has a rod up her flank now, you should have seen her back then. She was so tight you could shove coal into her and it would come out diamonds.”

“Discord!” she yelled, blushing. The blushing was a mistake, it only encouraged Discord to take it even further.

“I mean, really, you did anything out of line, she’d go full on lecture mode. ‘Discord that was mean! Discord, that was psychotic! Discord, flooding the orphanage with chocolate milk is a federal offense!’ I mean, honestly, can you imagine? I got turned to stone just because I wanted to have a little fun!”

“Is that really how you remember it?”

“Oh, but it wasn’t just all rules, rules, rules with her. While she was as solid as a statue most of the time, she really loosened up in bed, if you get my meaning.”

At that, Celestia’s eyes widened, her irises shrinking to the size of pinpoints. “Wha... Discord, what are you blathering on about? We never...”

“Uh, hello? Reality warper, remember? I can always be anywhere I want... including your bedroom!”

Celestia was struck rigid. Her words came out slowly. “How much have you seen?”

“Quite a bit.”

“...Even...”

“Oh, yes, even that. I wonder how the citizens of Equestria will react to learning all the little things you like to do in bed.”

Celestia’s projection made a desperate dash towards her body, only to bounce off some unseen field. She desperately pounded at the barrier.

“Especially Twilight Sparkle. Oh, I can’t imagine her reaction when she learns about you little...”

Celestia attacked Discord, but only succeeded in passing through him. The Spirit of Chaos howled with laughter at Celestia’s reaction. “Oh, and wait until I tell everyone what a howler you are!”

Celestia had turned several shades of red at this point. “You’re lucky we don’t have the Elements of Harmony anymore!”

“Yeah, I know. Of course, what I have on you doesn’t come anywhere close to what I have on your sister.”

“Really? What do you have?”

Discord blinked at how quickly Celestia’s mood changed. “Um... you seem eager. I thought you loved your sister.”

“Oh, I do. But I need ammo for the next time she thinks it’s funny to slip pink dye in my shampoo.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Discord grinned. “Oh, you’ll never believe who Luna has a crush on... but shouldn’t you be listening to what the ponies are saying to you?”

“Meh, Cadance is paying attention to it all... I hope.”

“Are you sure you’re not interested? My husband thinks you’re hot, and we need another! It’s no fun with just two.”

Fluttershy shifted. “Um, I don’t know. I mean, it seems a little extreme... and I’ve never, you know, done... it, before.”

“I can teach you! It’s easy! Just a few rounds and you’ll be at it like a pro!”

“Um, well, can I think about it?”

“Of course, no rush. Go on, go talk to Twilight and say your piece.”

After Fluttershy approached the casket, Shining Armor approached Cadance. “How’d it go?”

Cadance sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t think we’re ever going to get a third for bowling night.”

“We’ll find someone. Hey, shouldn’t you be monitoring what everyone is saying to your aunts?”

Cadance shrugged. “Meh. I’m sure they’re being vigilant.”

Luna felt like crying. Half of the ponies who had come up to her casket accused her of playing some long con against her sister, while the other half were just saying that they never thought she amounted to much. For crying out loud, she did plenty!

And then, Pip came up to the casket, and Luna felt her breath catch.

“Luna, Yer Highness, I still say yer the best Princess in all o’ Equestria. Yer so strong, an’ pretty... yer the best! When I grow up, I’m gonna get a position in yer Lunar Guards just to be around you.”

Luna felt her heart soar. A smile went across her face. She knew now. She knew what she had to do.

“Celestia! Celestia!” she flew over to her sister. The Princess of the Sun looked at her, then started giggling.

“Oh, um... her, Luna... snrk...”

Luna blinked. “Dear sister, is everything okay?”

“Oh, everything’s just dandy, believe me. Now, what can I do for you?”

“Well, I need to know what husbandry tactics you used on Twilight Sparkle.”

There was a moment of silence. “Husbandry... what?”

“Oh, come now, you sense that much magical power in a filly, the potential to be one of us, and you’re going to tell me you weren’t raising her into the perfect lover?”

“...Luna, that’s disgusting. Of course I wasn’t! I love Twilight like a daughter, not as a lover!”

“But her flank! Look at it!” She said, pointing to the astral projection of the pony in question. “You cannot tell me you’ve never lusted after it!”

“Luna, I never even considered...”

“Well, just look at it!” She grabbed her sister’s head with her magic and forced her to look at it.

“Luna, for the final time, I don’t... oh my, that is a delicious flank!”

“I know, right?” she said.

“...Luna, you realized you’ve poisoned my thoughts of her for life? What’s going to happen the next time she needs comforting? How am I going to do the motherly comforting act when I know such a luscious flank is laying right next to me.”

“Simple: you don’t. You do the sexy comforting act instead.”

“Luna!”

“Or... or you give her to me! There will be no need to husband Pip if I already have an immortal lover!”

“Luna, no. You will not treat my Twilight that way!”

“Oh, so she’s your Twilight all of a sudden?”

“Will you get out of here!”

Luna jumped and flew back to her casket. Now safely out of her sister’s range, she sighed. “Well, now what? Maybe I better find an excuse to make Pip my apprentice, just in case.”

Twilight had a headache bigger than she had ever had before. At least none of her friends had confessed their undying love to her, that would have been far too awkward. But after Pinkie trying to brighten up her casket with streamers, Rainbow Dash placing a sexy photo of herself next to it, and Rarity trying to force the new funeral wear dress onto her corpse, she was really beginning to lose patience.

But hey, at least Celestia and Luna weren’t lusting after her. That would be way too creepy.

Of course, then the human versions of her friends came up and nearly repeated the process, and it had eroded her patience even further. But hey, at least that was the end of the ones that could embarrass her the most. What could happen now?

And then Discord walked up to the casket.

Twilight felt her eyes widen.

Smiling, the draconequus lifted his lion’s paws and snapped its fingers.

Twilight held her breath. Nothing happened.

And Discord walked over to to Celestia’s casket, Twilight’s mind raced. Did Discord plant some sort of time sensitive prank? Had he given her some sort of mutation she wouldn’t notice until she was back in her body? Had he poofed up an illusion that she couldn’t see, but was just getting laughed at? What had Discord done? What had Discord done? WhathadDiscorddone?

Discord smiled. “I loved mental games.”

Luna had just finished what to do once Pip turned fifteen when he had walked up to the casket. It was a stallion with a black coat and white mane. He actually bowed before the casket.

“Oh, my Princess of the Night. It is so good that I finally get to grace your presence.”

Luna, watching from up high, was pleasantly surprised. There was somepony who actually respected her that wasn’t a foal.

“Believe me, my Princess, I have prepared for this day for a good, long time. I have heard the signals you have sent to me from afar.”

Now Luna was confused. What was this pony talking about?

“You have played the complacent little sister for too long. Now, when two of the remaining three princesses are completely helpless, we can make the move that’s going to make you the most powerful being in the world.”

“...What?”

Our organization is in place. Soon, we will strike, capturing the other three princesses and securing you as the ultimate ruler. Then, the night will really last forever!”

“...No, no, no, no, no, no, no!”

Luna sped off to her fellow two princesses, who had managed to engage in conversation, Celestia trying to comfort the worried Twilight while also trying to avoid looking at her flank.

“Sister! Sister! You need to cancel this and put us back in our bodies now!”

Both Celestia and Twilight looked at the Princess of the Night in a small bit of confusion. “Whatever for?”

“There are some crazy cultists here who are going to capture you two and Cadance and put me on the throne. You need to put us back into our bodies so we can stop this!”

There was a silence. Then, Celestia laughed. “Good one, sister.”

“...What? No, really, I mean it! There’s apparently an entire cult that worships me so much that they’re willing to commit treason because they think it’s what’s best for me!”

“Uh-huh. Is this like your last boyfriend, Jack Cauldron?”

“Wha... but... that’s different! I’m telling you, something bad will happen if we don’t get back in our bodies quick!”

“Luna, whatever it is, I’m sure the Royal Guards can handle it.”

Suddenly, Twilight burst out laughing. She floated around in the air, trying to catch her breath, which really made no sense given that she was in a corporeal form at the time, but there you go.

“What do you find so funny?” Celestia demanded. “The Royal Guards have done plenty of good for Equestria.”

That got Twilight, who had been about to recover, to start laughing again.

“Twilight Sparkle, the guards are not something to be laughed at!”

“Uh... they totally are, sister,” Luna said.

“What? But...”

“Name one time the guards have done something useful.”

Celestia opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again.

“See, this is what happens when you pick your captain based on whomever Cadance finds hot.”

Celestia fumed. “Well, even if an enemy did capture us, I’m sure I would break out easily enough once we awoke.”

At that, not only did Twilight’s laugh redouble, but Luna joined in as well, both howling and laughing. The Princess of the Sun looked from one to the other, feeling quite a bit offended.

“I’m sorry, you two, but what exactly is so funny?”

“I’m sorry,” Twilight said, collecting herself. “But... seriously? You couldn’t escape from Discord, you got you flank kicked by Chrysalis, Tirek had you running scared... even some vines managed to catch you!”

Luna burst out laughing at that last one. Blushing, Celestia turned to her sister. “Hey, that last one caught you too!”

“Yeah, but I managed to catch you as Nightmare Moon. My scorecard’s still ahead!”

Celestia fumed.

After Luna had fully collected herself, she managed to speak. “Yes, well... we still need to get back in our bodies. There really is an evil cult worshipping me.”

“Luna, I’m sure there’s no evil cult...”

At that moment, down below them, a large wave of dark magic erupted, causing several ponies to fall to the floor. The three princesses looked down in horror as even Cadance fell to the ground, weakened by the blast. Several ponies in dark robes came forward.

“Listen up, everypony. From this moment forward, the old monarchy is obsolete. Soon, the Princess of the Night shall rule!”

“...Okay, maybe not.”

The Royal Guards, as expected, were totally useless in taking down the cultists. As they gathered up the ponies, several called for help. One pony in particular made a call.

“Discord! Discord!” Fluttershy cried. “Discord, you have to help us!”

“I wouldn’t count on him, the cultist tying her up said. “We’ve distracted Discord, and we’ll be ready for him when he comes back.”

“What? How?

So, you’re saying this guy’s been mooching off of Fluttershy’s family this whole time?” Discord asked, his fists tightening.

“Oh yes. Her parents are too meek to stand up to him, so he’s still living at home.”

Discord looked at the picture of Zephyr Breeze with tightened fists. “Don’t worry, I’ll just need thirty minutes.”

“Oh, we have our ways.”

“Quick, get us back in our bodies!” Twilight yelled.

“Of course, of course!” Celestia said. “We just need to fly back into our bodies,” she said, charging toward her form.

She ended up smacking against her corpse like she was still solid.

“What?” Luna said, trying to go into her own body and failing. “What’s going on?”

“It must be a side effect of the dark magic bomb!” Celestia said. “This isn’t good! Now how are we going to...”

And then there was a bright light.

The cultists drew back as suddenly, the three princesses rose from their coffins. They hall had glowing eyes, and they all spoke in unison, in a deep, booming voice. “You dare try and challenge us? You dare try and conquer our kingdom?”

The cultist backed away from the terrifying sight. How was this possible? They were still supposed to be out of it! How was this possible?

“All of you, get on your stomachs with your forehooves behind your backs!”

Terrified, the group did so. More guards came in and, since the job was so simple even they couldn’t mess it up, soon all the cultists were cuffed, magic suppressors placed on the horns of the Unicorns.

Afterward, there was a flash of light, and the scene changed drastically. The three princesses returned to their caskets, completely untouched, and Trixie Lulamoon and Starlight Glimmer were standing behind the three corpses, looking exhausted.

“About time,” Starlight said between breaths, “I don’t think we could have held it any longer.”

“What?” One of the cultists said.

“Yes, it seems that the Great and Powerful Trixie’s mastery of illusion magic has saved you all once again! Now all of you, gaze upon her and kiss her hooves!”

There was a moment of silence before the snickers started, then it devolved into full on laughter. The entire hall fell to the ground, roaring with mirth. Even the cultists, cuffed and restrained were laughing.

“What’s this? What’s so funny? I demand to know why you’re laughing at your savior!”

In response, Starlight levitated a mirror up to her. Trixie took one look, and her jaw hit the floor. Her face was covered in permanent marker, the same designs she had drawn on Twilight’s face earlier.

“What? How did this happen! This is an outrage! I drew this on Twilight Sparkle’s face! I demand whoever’s responsible to step forward!”

Floating above her, Twilight looked on confused. Trixie actually posed a good question, how had this happened? It didn’t make sense.

And then a small piece of parchment suddenly appeared out of thin air. Twilight, caught off guard, took a few moments to read it. There, is Discord’s handwriting, was a single sentence:

This is what I did.

Twilight smiled. Discord had made some progress. For an ancient being of evil that plunged Equestria into a living Tartarus and literally drove her insane, he wasn’t half bad.

“Okay, done,” Celestia said, snapping Twilight out of her thoughts. “We can go back in our bodies! Remember, the contingency excuse is that Cadance returned us to our bodies!”

Twilight nodded, then flew into her body just a split-second after Celestia and Luna.

As the three moaned and opened their eyes, trying to get their bearings together, the hall slowly moved from humiliating Trixie to watching them. It helped that Trixie was able to clean the marker off herself immediately, and that she was arrested soon afterward because she admitted she defaced one of the princess’s face.

“Do not worry, citizens,” Luna said. “Princess Cadance has returned us to our bodies and...” She noticed everypony was glaring at her. “Citizens?”

“Those were your cultists!”

Luna’s eyes widened. “What! No! No, they were acting completely without my knowledge! I...”

“Those cultists were acting in Nightmare Moon’s name! I say we completely reset any progress Luna has made since she got back!”

There was a chorus of agreements at that.

“...That was an oddly specific sentence,” Luna said.

“All of you, please,” Celestia said as she stepped forward, in front of her sister. “There’s no need to get like this...”

“Why should we listen to you? You’re the one who allowed this to happen!” another pony yelled.

Celestia blinked. “What?

“This lax in security is the very thing that allows so many bad things to happen! Why can you never predict these things!”

“What? Now see here...”

At that point, Twilight stumbled out of her casket and hit the floor. Having never used astral projection, she hadn’t been prepared for the sudden re-entry and was a bit dazed.

“Uh... what the...”

“You!”

Twilight froze as a pony pointed at her with her foreleg.

Celestia tensed. “Don’t you dare blame her...”

“She was the one who trained Starlight Glimmer! And Trixie!”

Starlight tried to speak up. “Um, actually, she didn’t train Trixie...”

“She took two former horrible ponies and turned them into heroes! Heroes that saved the day! That means she’s responsible! Twilight is best princess!”

Suddenly cheers rang out throughout the hall. “Twi’s great, best princess! Twi’s great, best princess! Twi’s great, best princess!”

Luna and Celestia could only watch with their jaws dropped.

Cadance was on the ground laughing.

Celestia and Luna sat at the breakfast table, both their heads down. Luna glanced at the newspaper, which read Princess Luna’s approval polls showing negative number. The subheadline read Blueblood donates to charity; No, really.

Celestia looked at her headline. Celestia fails at stopping yet another foe. The subheadline was Newspaper headlines give easy exposition, studies show.

Cadance was laughing. “Well, cheer up. At least Twilight has had a good time,” she said, levitating another newspaper up.

Princess Twilight announces creation of new royal harem.

“Why did we never retract that polygamy law?” Luna asked. She knew the answer even before Celestia pointed to Cadance.

At that point, the doors to the great hall opened, and Twilight Sparkle was carried in on a palanquin, with Sunset Shimmer, Moondancer, Trixie, and Starlight carrying each of the four poles.

“Hello, fellow princesses,” she said, actually flying out and landing in a chair. “I want to say that I’ve had a lot of fun. Do we really have to wait a hundred years to do it again?”

“Twilight, no offense, but we’re thinking of cancelling the event altogether.”

“Really? But I had so much fun!”

“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll still be able to do ourselves,” Cadance assured. “Even if my aunts are being silly. You just enjoy the spoils of the party. You girls take good care of her, you hear?”

“Of course,” they said, all taking their own seats.

“I’m glad you approve of this, Cadance.” Starlight reached for her plate. “We were worried you might disapprove after the way Celestia and Luna reacted.”

“Of course not. You’ll teach her everything about sex so I won’t have to when you’re all dead and I talk her into bed.”

“What?”

“What?” Cadance repeated.

“Well, that was certainly a fun time,” Twilight said. “But has anypony seen Rainbow Dash? She’s been missing since the funeral.”

Rainbow Dash caught her breath on the highest mountain in Equestria. She had to be safe here. She had to have gotten far enough away that Discord’s spell wouldn’t work. She was actually happy, at first, when the Spirit of Chaos had announced he would do something about Zephyr, but this... this was pure evil.

But she was far away now. It couldn’t possibly follow her...

*Flash*

“Well, well, Rainbows, decided on bringing me up to this remote little area? Quite a nice place for a picnic... and practicing our smooching...”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Eh, I’m sure she’s fine,” Moondancer said. “I’m really more worried about Spike. Where is he?”

At that, Starlight perked up. “Hey, yeah... I haven’t seen him since the funeral. Come to think of it, I didn’t see him at the funeral either.”

Twilight swallowed a bite before speaking. “Oh, he took a trip up to the dragon territories. It seems Ember wanted him to partake in an ancient dragon tradition.”

“I you just let him go? Didn’t you want him to attend the funeral?”

Twilight shrugged. “He’s a dragon, he’ll be around for my next one. Besides, every second he spends around Ember, it means better chances of getting grandfoals! Er, grandragons!”

Several dragons were approaching the volcano with a feeling of sadness. This was most certainly a somber event. The Dragon Lord was dead, and so was the ambassador from the pony lands.

Dragon Lord Torch, taking up the mantle again until another could be crowned, led the dragons to the two hollowed out stones at the rim of the volcano, where the bodies of two dragons lay.

Surrounded by gold and gems, the bodies of Spike and Ember sat, eyes closed and arms draped across their bodies. Several dragons stopped to give their thoughts. All said they were enjoying the new relation with the ponies. Except Garble, and no one really cared what he thought anyway.

Spike smiled contently as he looked down at his body in the casket. Astral projection might have been hard for dragons to pull of, but their mages had done it quite well. He had never felt this free.

“See?” Ember’s projection said. “I told you this was a great idea.”

Spike smiled back. “Yeah. It sure was.”

And then, Rainbow Dash ran onto the scene. “Okay, okay, that has to be far enough...”

*Flash*

“Hey Rainbows! I know why you’re tired, you’ve been flying through my mind all day!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Author's Note

Well, first commission, and it was a lot of fun. The one who ordered it wished to remain anonymous.

If you want to commission me, it's $15 for the first 4,000 words, $5 for each additional 1,000.