They're Not Lovin' It

by Psyga315

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, King Sombra, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity, Random, Violence, Crossover, Human, Narcotics, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death
Length: 3319

The ponies discover a resturant that caters to a horde of chubby fat humanoids, employs former evil unicorns, roasts piggies alive, and worst of all, was a man before he got conned by a video game character at a convention because he was cosplaying!

Twilight and her friends discover a McDonalds', right in Ponyville. What happens next is a cracky adventure inside the McDonalds' as they discover that it is a Displaced.

This is a Displaced Crackfic that was inspired by an idea made in the Discord chat for Displaced.

Published 2016-08-10 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-10 01:00:01 UTC

Bada Ba ba baaaaa

"What's going on? What is this weird place and why is it in the same spot where the Golden Oaks Library once stood?" Twilight Sparkle asked as she and her friends stood in front of the gigantic store with a large M acting as a golden archway into the store.

“It’s so... big…” Fluttershy hid herself away in her wings.

“Ah swear, if the Flim Flams have anything to do with this…” Applejack tilted her hat forward and leaned in, ready to gallop right into the store. Rarity, meanwhile, looked at the bricks that lined the building.

“This place looks more like a building in Manehatten than anything in Ponyville…” Rarity had been to Manehatten a few times thanks to her opening a shop there. A lot of buildings there were more massive and relied heavily on heavy bricks to lay their foundation as opposed to the wood-based and thatch-roofed cottages.

“Oooh! Let’s give this building a huge ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ welcome!” Pinkie Pie began to bounce forward into the store.

“DIBS!” Though a huge rainbow streaked past her and broke the doors down. She stopped when she saw the inside of the store.

The group saw a shiny tile flooring, rows upon rows of booths with cushion seats that were occupied by large, chubby, creatures. Twilight first mistook them for ogres, but the skin color mixed with their hair and appendages gave her quite the answer. Rainbow Dash raised her eyebrow.

“Hey, Twilight, aren’t these guys what you saw in that other world?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Yeah, but they weren’t this fat!” Twilight knew that it was quite the opposite. The humans in her world were so skinny, Twilight pondered if they had to regurgitate what they had eaten to keep their weight in check.

Seems that might be a required law, since these humans didn’t follow that world’s rules.

All the fat people looked to Rainbow Dash. They got up and started to march to her.

“Pooooonnnnnnnyyy…” They croaked as they approached her.

“AH HELL NAW!” Rainbow Dash’s flashbacked to her time with Zephyr Breeze and couldn’t help but compare these monstrosities’ attraction to her to Zephyr’s constant attempts to hit on her.

Then she saw, right ahead of the fat people…

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?” It was Zephyr Breeze, dressed in a blue shirt with a little hat on top.

“Yes, I’ll have a Big Mac,” The customer, a gray pony with a blonde mane, spoke before Big Macintosh busted into the room.

“Eeeeyup?” Big Mac asked.

“No, not you, silly!” Derpy giggled. Big Mac walked away slowy. That’s when Twilight noticed that the building have a radio as it played song appropriately timed to that walking away. “Anyways, I’ll have a Big Mac with a McFlurry…” That’s when Flurry Heart poofed into the room and playfully giggled. Derpy glared.

“Oh screw it, just give me a muffin and fries.” Derpy said as Zephyr Breeze gave her exactly that on a tray. She trotted over to a table where the only person that wasn’t fat, a tanned woman with a brown pony tail and a light brown military jacket was sitting. “Here you go, Sash…” Derpy frowned.

“Ah well, least we tried breaking our habits.” Derpy’s friend said as she took the fries. Fluttershy approached Zephyr next.

“What happened? I thought you got a job already?” Fluttershy asked.

“Well, news flash, I still need the money to live on my own. Have you seen the price for houses in Cloudsdale?! Mane therapy alone won’t help me!” Zephyr Breeze said. Fluttershy giggled.

“Well, you have two jobs now, so I can’t be any more prouder of my little brother…” She said with a smile. There was a bit of silence.

“It’s not creepy!” Twilight shouted suddenly.

“Hey, Twi,” Applejack spoke up, “Where did Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie go?” She asked.

“This place is amazing!” Pinkie Pie dove into a pool of balls as they all splashed out of the pit. Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, was on top of a large system of tubes that smaller, less fatter humans were crawling through.

Oh, right! Children! Lost the word there…

“It sure is! We shall rule over this place and call it... “ She smirked. “Dashcon!”

“Dashcon? Booooooring! How about ‘Pinkie’s Play Place’!?” She asked.

“Really?” She groaned. “That’s lame. Oh! Daring-Do’s Dungeon of… uh…” She looked to a slide that acted as an exit to the tubes. “Tubiness!” She said.

“How about we call it…” Pinkie Pie picked up a plastic ball. “YOUR GRAVE!” She flung it to Rainbow Dash. The ball lightly tapped Rainbow Dash, though she clutched her chest, the place where she was hit, and acted as though she was shot. Overdramtically.

“Aaaaargh! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” She fell into the ball pit.

KERSPLASH!

Rainbow Dash dove in as both she and Pinkie laughed, all while sharing a look in each other’s eyes.

“Can we come in now?” A child in brown, torn clothing asked Pinkie and Rainbow Dash.

“NO!” They both said to the kid with a dirty glare. Then they sank into the ball pit.

Meanwhile, back with Twilight and her friends, they noticed a gelatinous cube walk in. They had dealt with this villain before.

“Oh my! It’s Gak!” Fluttershy flew over to the counter and cowered behind Zephyr, all while he made bedroom eyes at her.

“Alright, girls, let’s take care of this-” Twilight was gonna say before the radio came on.

“Kids! Our new Happy Meal toy has arrived!” An announcer said. Suddenly, kids swarmed out of the play place and towards Gak.

“Blraaaaarg!” Were his last words before he was torn apart by the kids. The ponies backed away, eyes widened and jaws dropped.

“This is gettin’ stupid! I’m talkin’ to the manager and tellin’ him to get off our land!” Applejack said.

“I’ll come too. If it’s a guy, maybe I can… persuade him.” Rarity curled up her mane before following her.

“Hey, Zeph, we wanna see the manager.” Applejack said.

Zephyr inhaled through his teeth, “I don’t really think you… Oh, h-hey Sombra, here for the manager?”

Sombra, a grey unicorn with black hair, seemed to have simply appeared behind Applejack and Rarity. He chuckled, before responding, “Yes, I am. I hope there is no problem?” at that he glared at Applejack, before turning his gaze on Rarity.

“Ahahahah, Of course not, of course not,” Zephyr hastily replied, “W-why would there be any problem?”

Sombra nodded, before walking past Zephyr, “Good. Interruptions might end…” He inhaled and gave a grin, “badly for you, if you know what I mean.” Zephyr opened the gate for him to march through.

“Yesyesyes,” Zephyr agreed hastily, “I got it, I got it. No need to…” He hid underneath the stand. “Is he gone?”

Rarity gave him a weird look, “Yes, I think he has left for the manager. Who, as you remember, we would like to see.”

Zephyr exhaled, before straightening, “I am sorry, but our rules declare that no one is allowed to visit the manager without an appointment.”

“But Sombra just…,” Twilight began, “No way. Sombra would never make an appointment with anyone, would he?”

Rarity placed her hoof underneath her chin.. “I think… Sombra might be the manager. Either you are the manager, or you have an appointment, and if it’s not the second thing…”

Twilight nodded to herself right after, “Yes. And if Sombra is the manager, then that complicates things. Who knows what the purpose of this is? It might serve the most vile purposes!”

“Didn’t Sombra become a good guy when his sweetheart raided the-” Applejack got jabbed in the chest by Rarity.

“Oooh, who’s a silly pony? You’re a silly pony! Sombra was never brought back from the dead after a siege on the Crystal Empire and we never once fought evil shadow creatures…” Rarity sheepishly chuckled, mentally berating herself for forgetting that time.

“I’m just surprised he said something other than crystals.” Fluttershy said. All the ponies, including her brother, just gave her the dullest stare. “What?”

“Alright, enough of this whoey!” Applejack backed up and galloped. She leapt over the registar like it was a hurdle and kicked the door down with her hind hooves. “Sombra, in the name of Equestria, I will punish-” Her eyes widened as she saw Sombra in a tuxedo sitting on a fold out chair.

“... What?” Sombra sighed. He turned to a giant swivel chair. “I’m so sorry about this. These ponies can be… embarrassing.” He said.

“Hmmmm… Perhaps we can… Make some use out of her. Yeeeeeeessssss…” The chair swiveled around and Applejack saw, not a pony or a human sitting in the chair, but rather a large puff of gray smoke.

“Ah crud.” Applejack got ready to fight, only for Rarity to pop into the room.

“Don’t worry, Applejack, I got your back!” Rarity said.

“Sombra, allow me to… Clean out the air.” With that, the puffy smoke monster who should probably be on an island somewhere fired off some green colored smoke towards Applejack and Rarity. The two inadvertently inhaled the smoke and suddenly, they began to see themselves in a different place full of trippy colors and messed up stuff.

Basically half the crap you see in LSD Dream Emulator.

“Now that they’re out of the picture, Sombra, you said how you were good at flipping burgers?” The monster asked.

“Yes, Mr. Arabus. I flipped so many burgers back in my time that people used to call me the Killer of the Griller… Mostly because I sort of executed my betrayers on a giant grill and force their families to eat the corpse with me.”

“That’s… the most fucked up thing I have ever heard.” Arabus sighed. “CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GOT THE JOB!” Arabus then cheered wildly. Sombra did a whinny and galloped around the room shouting:

“I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”

“Should we go help Applejack and Rarity, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked Twilight, though she noticed that Twilight was staring off into space. “Twilight?” She asked her. Twilight then raced over to-

“PRINCESS PORCINA!” A giant fat pig wearing a regal cape. Porcina turned around and saw Twilight. “I’m your biggest fan! I own all the Spiders and Hammock books!” Twilight said.

“Um… What?” Fluttershy asked Twilight.

“Spiders and Hammock! You know! The crossover between My Big Piggy and Spider Ham?” Twilight rolled her eyes. She then turned to Porcina. “You know all the fanart of you and Spider Ham? Including the reeeaaaally explicit ones?” She then smiled. “I was the one who commissioned all of them! The kingdom’s budget was really easy to take out!” Twilight said.

“Ah, well, I’m pleased to see a loyal fan who’s willing to post my beauty all across the web!” Porcina said.

“Oh!” Twilight pulled out a piece of paper. “This is the newest commission! It’s you dressed up as the Hero-King Carth from the Cascade Badge games!” She showed a picture of Porcina dressed up as a prince wearing a mask with tiny slits cut in. Next to her was Spider Ham in a blackish blue robe. “And Peter Porker is dressed up as Robyn from the newest game, Cascade Badge: Asleepening.” She said.

“... How… lovely.” She said. She turned around and walked off.

“Wait, Porcina! Where are you going?” Twilight followed her.

“I was told by the owner of McDonald’s that he wants me to be his main star for his new line of food! How could I refuse?” She shrugged and walked off to near the cash register where Zephyr was still hiding.

“Uh… Porcina?” Twilight noticed she was walking into the kitchen.

“Don’t stop me! I’m about to achieve my fame!” Porcina closed her eyes, held up her hands and walked into a huge iron door which had her name on it and a large golden star above it. “Look at me!” She said as the door slammed. The sign fell off and underneath it showed: “OVEN”.

“Ooooh! It’s like saaaaunaaaaa….” Twilight could hear Porcina inside the oven. Realizing what was about to happen, she tried to open the door with her magic, but the door seemed bolted shut. “Uuuuuh, it’s getting a liiiiitle tooo hot in here!” Porcina began to pant. Soon, a chubby human came over and touched a dial near the door. As he cranked it to its maximum, the oven exploded into a heap of fire as Porcina screamed.

“PORCINA!” Twilight cried out. Eventually, the scream died and along with it, Porcina.

“Okay boss, the new pork is ready!” The chubby human said to a large man with a huge metal triangle-cage on his head. He carried an equally huge sword, almost a cleaver by the shape of it. It walked towards the oven like a zombie would. That’s when he was blasted with purple magic.

“GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!” Twilight replied with as much anger and fury as a post-Canterlot Wedding fanfic. She continued to blast each magic missile at the pyramid headed monstrosity until he was nothing but ash, then she pointed her horn to the chubby human.

“I don’t get paid enough for this!” He ran off. Twilight turned around and blasted the wall behind her, showing her both Sombra and Arabus…

And also a high as a kite Applejack and Rarity.

“Duuuuude, our hooves are huuuuuuuge!” Applejack said.

“H-hey, Applejack. You have… apples on your butt.” Rarity giggled.

“What the hell did you do!?” Twilight looked to Arabus.

“I merely gave them a trip to heaven before I send them to hell.” Arabus said.

“You… Killed… Porcina! You will die!” Twilight said as she fired her beams at Arabus. Only for her to discover that he is made of smoke.

“... Really? REALLY!?” Arabus said. He rolled his eyes before she fired his weed smoke at Twilight too. She began to hallucinate Princess Porcina being right next to her and she flopped around as if she was making out with a giant pig. Arabus then turned to Fluttershy. “And now, you too!” He fired the weed smoke at her, though even when it completely covered her, she wasn’t affected.

“W-what?! But how!?” Arabus asked.

“That’s my secret. I’m always high.” Fluttershy said. With that, she proceeded to stare the crap out of the smoke monster. Despite not being an animal of any sort, Arabus shrank down.

“Aaaah! Wait! It’s not me you want!” Arabus cowered.

“Huh?” Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity all snapped out of their high and looked to Arabus.

“I’m the manager, yes, but I only act as the mouth… For my true master.” Arabus moved away and pointed to a portrait of a guy in a blue uniform, much like Zephyr Breeze wore.

“... What in Tartarus are you talking about?” Sombra growled.

“This place… The man in the portrait… He is the place. Magicked into existence by a being of untold power. He sent me to be his mouthpiece, for this place cannot talk.” Arabus said.

“So… This place… is a person?” Twilight asked.

“Yes… He is a person that has been put into here… He was… Displaced, if you will. And now, he wishes for me to fulfill his directive as a Displaced.” Arabus said.

“... Which is?” Twilight asked.

“Killing the entirety of Equestria! Sombra, get them!” Arabus said to Sombra. Sombra turned around, chanted ‘I’m ready’ and rushed to attack Twilight.

Meanwhile, outside the McDonald’s, Starlight Glimmer was still being emo about her former cultist/communist/SJW days. Oh, and the whole “caused so many apocalypses that it’d make every Final Fantasy villain jelly” thing. She was gonna see if Twilight had any lessons for her, but then she noticed the McDonald’s.

“Huh? What’s this?” Starlight asked.

“Hello, straaaaaaanger…” That’s when Starlight turned to see a baggy hobo wearing a trenchcoat. “This was myyyyy doing! I gave him a pendant which turned him into a building because he was wearing a McDonald's uniform… I can grant you untold power…” He handed Starlight a green pendant. “You will be powerful! You will be-”

“No.”

“W-what do you mean, no?! No one has ever rejected my offer before!” He said.

“Well, let me be the first.” Starlight said. “I learned that I don’t need power to keep my friendship. So you can take your pendent and shove it up you…”

POOF!

Just then, the hobo-like dude turned into dust as a man with crocodile hide clothing came up.

“Nothing to see here, dearie, just collecting my due…” He said. Starlight realized who this person was and took the pendant.

“Alright, but first, a deal.” Starlight said. Rumpelstiltskin rolled his eyes.

“Oh alright… What are your terms?” He asked. Starlight pointed to the McDonald’s.

“Get everyone outside of this place, then transport it out of this world!” Starlight said.

“Alright, fine.” With a wave of his hands, the entire McDonald’s went up in a puff of smoke. Everyone inside was now outside as the McDonald’s was nowhere to be seen. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash now realized that they were making out in front of a bunch of kids and they stopped immediately before Hasbro caught a glimpse of this and censor it faster than you can cut out any of Jared Leto’s scenes. Starlight then gave Rumpelstiltskin the pendant.

“Pleasure doing business with you.” She said. With that, Rumpelstiltskin disappeared, also in a puff of smoke. Starlight then went over to Twilight. “Twilight! I did it! I stopped that thing!” She squeed.

“Erm… I’m proud of you?” Twilight said.

“Arg! Now I’m out of a job! Well, hopefully I get some appearance in the movie.” Arabus said as he broke apart into smaller clouds of smoke.

“And I’m also out of a job! Thanks a lot, ponies! You know, if I wasn’t redeemed in that comic nopony wants to talk about, I would have k-worded the lot of you. But naaaah. There’s a missus to take out my frustrations on. Hey, Brony-allegory!” Sombra said.

“Me?” Quibble Pants said, appearing out of nowhere.

“Not you, the other Brony-allegory!” Sombra then points to Zephyr Breeze.

“Y-yeah?” Zephyr Breeze asked.

“You wanna have a threesome?” Sombra asked.

“Um… Will it involve Dashie?” Zephyr looked to Rainbow Dash, seductively.

“... You can pretend Radiant Hope is the rainbow pony.” Sombra said.

“Eh, better than nothing.” Sombra then created a huge crystal surfboard as the two rode off.

“Waaaaaait!” Fluttershy tried to catch up to Zephyr, but the surfboard went too fast.

“Eh, I was like that when Shining married Cadance.” Twilight said. All the ponies looked to her. “Erm… I mean… PORCINA! NOOOOOOO!” Twilight cried out. Just then, with a pink flash, she was revived.

“Oh man! That was quite the heatstroke!” Porcina said.

“Wait, what?” Twilight said. Discord then popped out of nowhere.

“Hey, noticed the Dark One was here so I came to say hi to him and… Crap. I missed him, didn’t I?” Discord asked.

“... Did you revive Porcina?” Twilight asked.

“Hey, I’m the embodiment of chaos. Deus Ex Machinas are pretty chaotic.” Discord said. “Oh, and I believe you guys fought a Displaced. How was that? I’m surprised you all didn’t die or get raped. Most other Equestrias end up being smouldering piles of ash when a Displaced is done with them.”

“Well, it’s gone now… Wonder where it went...” Twilight asked.

Meanwhile, in Hell…

“What the here!?” Satan said as Rumpelstiltskin placed the McDonald’s right where the third circle of Hell is.

“Oh lighten up, dearie! This place will be perfect for you! Who knows? Maybe you’ll get to be a part-timer here!” Rumpelstiltskin giggled and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“... I hate Displaced…” Satan groaned.

Author's Note

I like to thank DJ Temmie Senpai for helping me inspire this fanfic.