The Unintentional Roast Of Rivet

by Thunder-Bolt

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random
Length: 3206

Rivet accidentally rekts a noob in an epic rap battle.

All Rivet wanted was some coffee with his friends. That's it. That's the only thing he wanted.

But of course the stallion he ran into at the coffee shop made it hard on him. Now Rivet must roast him in a hardcore rap battle!

Now, if only Rivet knew how to rap.

This is a parody of the Rap Battle Parodies, featuring Supa Hot Fire.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-23 14:40:01 UTC

The Roastening

The Unintentional Roast Of Rivet

Written by: Thunder Bolt

Based off of The Wonderverse created by Calm Wind

Calm Wind opened up the door for the rest of his friends. The rest of The Pegasus Posse trotted into the quaint little coffee shop, which was a common location for them to hang out. The rich smell of coffee met each of their noses.

“Everybody know what they want?” Playbitz asked. After receiving nods from everyone, He held his hoof out in front of him. “Ladies first.”

“Aw, you’re such a gentlestallion.” Shine Struck said in a friendly mocking tone.

Playbitz shrugged. “It’s why I’m the only one who’s married out of all of us.” He replied wittingly, earning snickers from the others. Even Rivet laughed, who was wearing a hoodie. Shine rolled her eyes and walked up to counter to order.

Several minutes later, the posse had their coffee. They all sat down at a window-side table. Swift Justice had to pull up a chair sense the table was meant for four. He sighed in contentment as he brought his cup up to his lips. “Man, it’s been forever since we’ve been here…” He sighed. However, his expression went from relaxed to absolute shock as the extremely hot liquid met his mouth. “GEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

Immediately he shot to the water fountain and started glugging down as much water as he could, getting his chest fur and face all wet.

Calm glanced at the sight. Without a word he removed the lid off of his coffee and started blowing on it. “Apparently, it’s been so long he forgot that coffee is supposed to be extremely hot.” He chuckled at his own joke, which was followed by a few chuckles from Playbitz, Shine, and Rivet.

A few seconds later, Swift returned, his tongue hanging out from the large dose of heat he received a minute ago. He sat down and just stared down at the table to recover. “Yeah… sure has been a while.” He finally said.

Suddenly, Rivet felt a familiar pressure in his loins.

“Oh! Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom.” He quickly said, and lifted himself off the chair with his wings to the restroom.

About a minute later, with the bladder satisfied, Rivet trotted out of the bathroom. As he was about to exit the small hallway that connected the ladies’ room and the men’s room, suddenly he ran face first into a grey chest. The force of the impact caused the other pony to flip over Rivet and land face first behind him with an “OOF! Shit!”

Rivet ended up landing on the floor, on his chest. His arms reached out in all directions. He gathered himself, and got up with a groan. He looked back to see the stallion he had run into was getting, and he didn’t look pleased. He looked like Silver Lining, but he was a lot younger and his mane wasn’t poofy at all. Beside the him was another stallion, he was also grey, but his wind-blown mane was brown with natural yellow highlights on the sides. He was helping the other stallion up. They were both pegasi.

Rivet got himself together, and walked over to the two. “Hey sorry about that, didn’t see you the-” Before he could even finish, the stallion he ran into turned around with an angry look.

“What the hell!?” He shouted in Rivets face. Immediately the small pegasus shrunk down a size, and had a terrified look on his face. He let out an ‘eep’ as the grey pegasus assaulted him further. “You need to watch where the hell you’re going!” He yelled again.

“Woah, Silver.” The other stallion came between the two. “It was an accident. Relax.”

“Damn that! This fucker did that on purpose!” He was so mad that he wasn’t thinking straight. He tried to get past his friend, put he held him from Rivet.

By this time, the rest of the posse took notice of the scuffle. They all got up from their seats and trotted up around to the hall that held the restrooms. Once they saw Rivet cowering from a stallion that was being held back by another, they rushed to their friends aid.

Calm Wind strutted up, standing over Rivet, casting the poor pegasus in his shadow. “Is there a problem a here?” He asked with a purpose. The rest hovered behind Calm in a show of force. The grey stallion was clearly not intimidated by his size. He took flight and got in Calm’s face.

“Oooo, look who’s the big, bad, steroid-pumped, badass over here!” He waved a hoof in Calm’s face.

Steroid-pumped? Calm thought. Oh… that does it. As he was about to take a shot at the stallion, Shine stopped him. She shook her head. Calm growled, but kept his composure. He continued to provide a safe haven for the cowering Rivet.

“Hey, hey…” The other pegasus took flight and subtly pushed his friend away. “I think we just got off on the wrong hoof here, okay?” He looked back at the posse, who all had intense glares pointed at the stallion who dared yell at Rivet. “Look I’m Thunder Bolt…” He pointed at himself. “And this is Silver Streak.” He pointed at his friend.

“You really gonna tell these idiots our names!?” Silver Streak shouted angrily. He pushed Thunder Bolt out the way and addressed the posse. “You guys clearly think you’re little friend is innocent.”

“He is innocent.” Swift replied bitterly. “And I should know… I’m a law student.” He said with a smirk.

“Oooo… wow, I’m so frickin’ scared.” Streak landed on the ground and spoke to Rivet specifically. “You tripped me. You obviously got a problem with me. You wanna know how I deal with ponies who have a problem with me?” He asked gruffly. He got pushed back by Calm.

“No, he doesn’t want to know.” He said sternly with a glare.

“I’ll tell how I deal with those who dislike me.” Streak said confidently. “I destroy them in a rap battle.”

Calm just blinked at the stallion. “Uh huh.” He said in an unamused tone. “That’s nice.” Meanwhile, Playbitz and Shine had fallen to the floor and were guffawing their lungs out at Streak’s words. Swift was still aloft, but he was letting out a few chuckles of his own.

“And I challenge you,” He dramatically pointed a hoof at Rivet. “To a rap battle!”

Swift stopped laughing and looked up at the stallion. He stared for a moment, before looking at Calm who had cracked a smirk. “Mmhmm…” Calm replied smugly. “Thanks.” He started to lead Rivet away, but Swift stopped him.

“Woah woah dude, hold up…” He led Calm out of earshot of the offending stallion. “He just challenged Rivet to a rap battle.” Swift had a serious tone in his voice. “We can’t turn that down!”

Calm just looked down at Swift with dead pan look. “Yes we can, Swift.” As he was about to lead Rivet away again, Swift got in his way.

“No we can’t! Calm, that would be like you turning down a battle of strength!”

“That’s completely different, and you know it.” Calm chastised.

Swift sighed, and tilted his head to look over Calm’s shoulder.

“Is that… Fleetfoot?” He asked, squinting his eyes.

“WHERE!?” Calm shouted, immediately spinning around and trying to find her. Seeing his opportunity, Swift scooped up Rivet off the floor. Rivet flailed his arms around in a futile effort to escape.

“Alright, rap battle’s over here!” Swift shouted, catching the attention of Silver Streak, Thunder Bolt, and the posse.

“Finally!” Streak exclaimed, following Swift (still clutching Rivet) out the door of the coffee shop.

“No, c’mon…” Thunder tried and failed to stop his friend from going outside. Shine and Playbitz had stopped laughing by this time, and simply looked on outside. Thunder trotted up beside the two. Shine glanced at him.

“Does he do this type of thing all the time?” She asked. Thunder shook his head.

“You have no idea.” He replied.

Playbitz saw Calm Wind still looking around for Fleetfoot, despite the fact the place only had so many places to hide a mare like Fleetfoot. “Hey Calm! We gotta prevent Swift from giving Rivet an anxiety attack, let’s go!” He yelled over to him. Calm immediately stopped his search, and looked at Playbitz.

“What?” Calm looked outside to see Swift holding Rivet against his will. He realized Swift had played him for a fool, and grumbled in resentment. “That asshole is gonna pay for this.” He mumbled to himself as he followed Shine, Playbitz, and Thunder outside.

It was a pretty hot day outside, the only reason Rivet had a hoodie on was because he knew how cold the owners of the coffee shop had the A/C. One would have to squint their eyes for a good minute just to get to bright sun. It really smelled like summer too.

“Dammit Swift!” Shine shouted up at the dark blue pegasus. “Put him down. Now!”

“No can do. We got a rap battle to get to.” Swift replied from above. Meanwhile, Rivet was squirming about in Swift’s grip.

“Help, help me!” He cried.

“Swift, put the poor guy down. He’s gonna have a heart attack from nervousness.” Playbitz tried to get Swift to put the small stallion down.

“Are we gonna get going or what!?” Silver Streak edged on impatiently.

“Yeah, don’t worry. Give us a second.” Swift reassured the silver pegasus. He glided up to the rest of the posse, but remained in the air. “Guys, don’t worry. I have a plan that will guarantee Rivet’s victory!”

Shine’s expression shifted to one of dismay. “What? No! Let’s just go, alright? This is pointless.”

“Guy’s, guy’s, re-lax. I got this.” He reassured his friends. He flew back over to where Streak was waiting impatiently. “Here you go.” He set down Rivet in front of his opponent.

“Finally, let’s do this!” Streak was clearly reared and ready to go. Rivet however, was not. He shook on his legs as he looked up at his challenger.

“Eep.” Was the only thing that could squeak out of his mouth.

Swift landed on the ground between the two pegasi. “Alright, let’s flip a coin.” He got out some change from buying his coffee. He placed it between his teeth, and flipped it into the air. “Call it!

“Heads.” Streak quickly said.

For Rivet, the bit seemed to come down in slow motion. Please don’t be me, please don’t be me, please don’t be me, he begged Celestia repeatedly in his head.

The coin landed in Swift’s hoof. Both opponents waited with differing levels of anticipation.

“And the starter is Silver Streak!” Swift exclaimed.

“Aw yeah! Get ready to get roasted!” Streak shouted at Rivet. Swift however, simply chuckled.

“Yeah, sorry. Under normal circumstances, you’d go first. But Rivet here always goes first.” Swift said with a smile. Streak gave him a deadpan look.

“What the hell is this? I got hea-”

“Rivet is the starter!” Swift shouted again. He leaned down to the quivering Rivet and whispered in his ear. “Good luck, bro.” Swift walked behind Rivet, to where the posse was standing. He didn’t stop smirking as his squad mates all gave him looks that could kill.

“Swift, why would you do that?” Playbitz scolded.

Swift simply shook his head, and chuckled. “Relax guys, follow my lead.” He glanced back over at Rivet and Streak. He looked back at his friends and explained his plan. They all gave him skeptical looks, but caved.

Rivet, well… was terrified. He looked up at Streak, his pupils shrinking with every passing second.

“Well? Come at me bro!” Streak taunted. Rivet responded by pulling out a slip of paper from his hoodie.

“L-look, I think w-we just got o-on the hoof. Look here’s my ex-girlfriend's number.” He gingerly offered the number up to Streak. The grey stallion looked down in confusion.

“Oh, uhhh…” He had a confused look on his face. He took and looked at the written number in confuzzlement. He really wasn’t expecting this. However, Rivet’s eyes went wide as he realized an error he made.

“Oh! Hold on, that’s the wrong number-” Rivet tried to get the right one, when he was interrupted by a chorus of yelling.

“OOOOHHHHHHHH!!!! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” Swift shouted at the top of lungs, while pointing a hoof at Streak. “GET WRECKED BEE-OTCH!!!”

Calm Wind, Playbitz, and Shine Struck all made similar shouts and jeers that went along the lines of ‘Hell yeah’ and ‘WOO!’ and ‘How does that make you feel?’

Streak had the most confused look on his face. As did Rivet. However, behind Streak, Thunder Bolt chuckled at the sight. He knew what they were doing. They were going to pretty much yell, jeer, and shout Streak right out of the battle. It was clear little Rivet hadn’t a clue how to rap.

Pretty smart on their part.

Once the yelling died down, Swift quickly hovered beside Rivet. “Say whatever you want, we’ll do the rest.” He whispered into Rivets ear. He glided back to the larger group and set himself down beside Calm.

Rivet thought for a moment. Okay, say anything he wanted? Hmmm… alright, it wasn’t like he had a better way to go about this.

“Umm…” Rivet searched for something to say. “What’s your favorite show?” He asked.

“What?” Streak questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“What’s your favorite show?” Rivet asked again, confident in his friends having his back.

“Umm… The Trotting Dead, I guess?” Streak replied.

“Oh, well, I’m partial to Two And-A-Half Stallions myself.” Rivet said. And once again, and onslaught of cheers, jeers and yelling resounded behind him. He glanced back to see his friends shouting things like ‘Get wrecked’ and ‘No chill!’. A wave of confidence spread through Rivets soul, as he looked back up to see Streak was simply stunned in the ridiculousness of this. Rivets mouth formed a small smirk.

However, before he did say something else, he felt a sudden wave of uncomfortable heat pass over his body. Rivet realized he was still wearing his hoodie.

“Oh.” He proceeded to take it off, but Swift took to the air and hovered next to him.

“What are you doing? The hoodie looks awesome on you!”

“Well,” Rivet explained. “It just that I’m super hot, Swift. It’s the is middle of summe-”

Again, a chorus of howling resounded in the courtyard of the coffee shop. Rivets smile grew even wider upon hearing his posse support in such an unorthodox way. Streak, meanwhile, had had about enough of this. It was time to show this little pegasus who he was messing with.

“Alright, alright, alright. It’s my turn now!” He insisted with a large amount of annoyance in his voice. Once the posse’s shouts had died, Streak cleared his throat and started.

“Is this who they put me up against? Rivet? I’ve never heard of you. I’m looking at you like ‘Is he stupid?’, I’m ‘bout to murder you…” As the grey pegasus continued busting raps, Swift walked up beside Rivet and held his hoof out.

“Rock, paper, scissors?” He asked, Streak still attempting to roast Rivet in front of them.

“Oh… yeah.” The two pegasi played two rounds before Streak stopped. Swift glanced at him.

“Done already? Alright then.” Swift shrugged.

“What? No, I-” Streak started.

“And that concludes Round 1!” Swift ignored whatever Streak was going to say and continued. “Time to move to round two!” His voice shifted to a lower octave as he said the last two words.

“But I didn’t even get to-”

“And Rivet will start again!” Swift pointed a hoof at the stallion he referred to.

“Again!? But he started last tim-”

“Begin!” Swift dramatically put his front hooves in the air, before taking flight and hovered backwards towards his friends.

Rivet began to think for a second, but realized he didn’t have to think. He could say whatever he wanted and he’d be fine. As he was about to ask Streak about his favorite book, a pay phone on the wall beside them started ringing.

Everything stopped.

The posse, Streak, and Thunder looked at the pay phone. It kept on ringing. And ringing, and ringing.

“I don’t think pay phones are supposed to do that…” Swift said, raising a brow.

“No… they aren’t.” Playbitz answered, as he walked up to the phone and picked it up. “Hello?” He spoke into the mouth piece. With a puzzled expression, he peered back at Rivet. “It’s for you.”

Rivet’s eyebrows raised up. He quickly trotted up to the phone, and took it from Bitz. He put it up to his face. “Hello?” A deep voice suddenly spoke up, but in a way that left Rivet confused beyond comparison.

“Boom.”

“I’m sorry?” Rivet spoke into the mouth piece.

“Bam.”

“W-what?”

“Bop.”

Rivet just listened.

“Botta Bop Boom…”

Rivet waited for the speaker to finish, but heard nothing. “Hello?” Rivet said. His eyes widened when he heard Twister’s voice over the phone.

“Rivet, you’re supposed to say ‘pow’.”

“Um… pow?”

By this time, the whole posse had surrounded Rivet around the phone. Upon hearing Rivet say the word, Swift broke out in a fit of shouts.

“OOOOOOOHHHH!!! OOOOOHH MY GOD! HOLY SHIT!!! OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!” Swift flew right into Streaks face, while the rest of the posse went on with their own jeers. “GET WRECKED!!! YOUR CAREER IS OVER BITCH!!!

As the yelling slowly died down, Streak looked at Thunder Bolt with a stunned look. “What just happened?”

Thunder chuckled. “You just got handed something that should’ve been handed to you years ago.”

“Oh shut up.” Streak replied bitterly, and walked up to a nearby bench to sit down. Thunder shrugged. As Shine, Playbitz, and Swift entered the coffee shop holding Rivet up high above their heads, Thunder approached Calm from behind. He tapped the large pegasus on the shoulder.

“Hmm?” Calm turned his head, raising an eyebrow upon seeing the other pegasus.

“Hey, congrats on that win.” Thunder complimented with a grin. Calm smiled back.

“Thanks. I honestly didn’t think Rivet was going to do it, until Swift told us all to do what he did.”

“Yeah… he’s gotta be a smart guy to figure that out. Didn’t he say he was a law student.”

“Heh, yeah.” Calm chuckled. “One moment, he’s acting like a complete buffoon, and the next he’s telling somepony how many laws they’re breaking if one of us gets any trouble.” Again, the blue pegasus let out a laugh.

“Really?” Thunder laughed as well. A sudden silence fell between the two, before Thunder broke it.

“Looks like your friends are celebrating in there.” He observed as he looked through the window to see the rest of the posse praising Rivet.

“Yeah, I should probably get back to them.” Calm said, looking back through the window.

“So, no hard feelings?” Thunder put a hoof in front of him.

Calm looked down at the hoof and smirked. “Nah, we’re good.” He shook it. Thunder’s eyes widened as he did.

“Damn! Strong grip.” The two shared a hearty laugh at the grey pegasus’ comment, before the two parted ways.