Go South, Young Mare

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Daring Do, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cherry Berry
Length: 4349

Ditzy Doo tries to get the southern birds. Again. Fourth time's the charm, right?

Sometimes it's not a matter of being the best mare for the job. Sometimes you're just the only one left. That's how a pegasus with no internal compass has been saddled with guiding back migratory birds for the last three Winter Wrap-Ups. Surely this year, Twilight Sparkle will see reason, right?

Right?

A long-delayed entry in Estee's technically open TEMPorary Insanity contest. Graciously preread by themaskedferret.

Published 2017-08-20 16:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-20 16:40:06 UTC

No, Your Other South

"No."

Twilight looked up from the Winter Wrap-Up checklist in her wing to see Ditzy Doo scowling and not even wearing her Animal Team vest. "I haven't even assigned you a task yet."

Ditzy snorted. "We both know what it's going to be. And I refuse to embarrass myself again."

"But, Ditzy—"

"No. First Amethyst Star, then the mayor, then you." Ditzy stomped a hoof. "Every time somepony told me to go get the southern birds, I didn't fly south on my first try. Even after you told me which way it was, I still got turned around. What, am I due to get it this right this year?"

"Of course not," said Twilight, "that would be an obvious instance of the gambler's fallacy. I'm giving you migration duty for the same reason I did last year; you're one of Ponyville's best endurance fliers and the others all have tasks that need them more."

"I also have no sense of direction. Literally." Ditzy poked herself in the forehead, where a horn would be if she were a unicorn. "Born without an internal compass. Ever since you got those wings, you've had a better sense of which way south is than I do, assuming you didn't already know some kind of compass spell."

"Three of them, actually," Twilight said with a sheepish chuckle. She then beamed with a brightness usually reserved for a new shipment of books. "But this year I've definitely found a solution to your lack of magnetoreception. If you have no internal compass, use an external one."

Ditzy rolled her eyes, always an impressive sight. "You think I haven't tried? This is me we're talking about, Twilight. I know neither of us likes thinking about that incident but... Well, flowerpot, anvil, hay cart, piano." Both winced. "You really think I'm going to be able to use a compass without ever dropping it for the whole trip? Odds are it'll hit the ground in the first five miles and I'll end up going east until I hit countries I can't pronounce."

"I thought of that too." Twilight reached into a vest pocket with her other wing and produced a compass on a wristband.

"Oh. Well." Ditzy gave a sheepish grin as she took it. "My muzzle's red."

"For what it's worth, I do understand. Remember two years ago? I couldn't do anything right."

Ditzy nodded, flapping her wings a few times for balance as she tugged the elastic over her hoof. She looked around, saw no sign of the mayor, and leaned in close. "Well, you know what they say: Those who can't, supervise." She winked.

Twilight giggled.

"Hey! What's the hold up?" Both looked up to see Rainbow Dash scowling down at them. "Come on, ponies. The sooner we get the rest of this crud done, the sooner I can wake up Tank!" She swooped off.

"Well, you heard her. Better get going."

Ditzy snapped off a passable salute. "Yes, Your Highness."

Twilight gave her a mild glare. "Ditzy."

"Well, that's what you get for not thinking of this last year."

Ditzy flew at a steady pace, flapping only occasionally after her initial ascent. Equestria wrapped up winter from south to north. With the snow line just south of Ponyville, there were plentiful thermals to be had, the rising hot air providing free lift for anything with wings. The compass wrapped around Ditzy's pastern kept her on track even when she deviated a bit to use the really promising hot spots.

Fortunately, there wasn't much else to distract her. A straight shot south of Ponyville didn't take her over any other settlements for quite some time. A fair length went over the Everfree; that stretch was Ditzy's first major detour and the reason she'd gotten lost three years running. Appleoosa and Dodge Junction both had some east to go with their south, while Las Pegasus and Denvertigo were west-by-south-up. The only place of any note was her destination, a small settlement near a massive phoenix nesting site in the Macintosh Hills.

Soon enough, Ditzy soared over the wonderfully warm sands of the San Palomino Desert, able to make out the lowest of the ruddy hills in the distance. And something else.

She squinted as she approached. Some roiling mass that resembled a cloud of flies on a hot day lay between her and the uncreatively named Phoenix.

"What the what?" Ditzy blinked several times. The cloud swam in and out of focus but never went away, gathered around some slightly larger central object that hung suspended in the air. "Is that one of the phoenix watchers?" Ditzy glowered. "They'd better not be tiring out the birds."

As she approached, details grew clearer. Geese, thrushes, crows, all manner of migratory birds wheeled about an equine figure. Ditzy nearly fell out of the sky when she got a good look at it.

It was pink.

It was familiar.

It was decidedly not a pegasus.

"Cherry Berry?" said Ditzy, gawking at the earth mare. A constant, ferocious updraft kept Cherry aloft, making her mane and tail dance crazily. Her smile came within a hair of Pinkie Pie's best as she made grand gestures with her forelegs, sending birds wheeling in unnaturally mixed flocks with every move. As Ditzy edged her way as close as she dared, about a dozen lengths away, she could make out a crown on Cherry's head that seemed made entirely of spiraling silver filigree.

"Cherry Berry?" Ditzy called again, partly because she was closer and partly because she just couldn't believe it.

Cherry said nothing. Given all of the chirps, caws, and honks filling the air, to say nothing of all the flapping that went with them, she might not have heard.

Ditzy shrugged. Easy fix, especially with pegasus lung capacity. "HEY!"

All the birds went silent and as still as they could while remaining airborne. Cherry's exultant expression shifted to scowling rage as she turned to face Ditzy. The creature that stared into the blonde's eyes was not the mare with whom she'd exchanged recipes. "Who dares disturb the Grrreat and Powerful Aviatrix!?"

Fond memories of dark chocolate cherry muffins kept Ditzy from commenting on that. Instead, she just waved a foreleg and said, "Uh, hi. Ditzy Doo? Your mailmare?"

"What business do you have with the mistress of feather and breath?"

"We're wrapping up winter. It's time to bring the birds back. And I'm actually on schedule this year, so—"

"INSOLENCE!" The updraft roiled along with Cherry's rage, puffing outward and sending Ditzy tumbling through the air. "You would dare try to claim the armies of the Great and Powerful Aviatrix as your own?"

Ditzy gulped and offered her friendliest smile. "Okay, how about we calm down and maybe remove any magic hats that might be affecting our minds?"

"Feel the wrath of the sky, interloper!"

"So that's a no?" Another gust shoved Ditzy into a crash course for the scrub, though it did also knock her away from several irate geese. She corrected her trajectory, but kept up the retreat. "Yup, definitely a no!"

A shout of "There is no escape!" came from behind her.

Ditzy dove, cutting it close enough to feel her tail whip about in the next gust. Her eyes darted, her vision blurring in her desperation. Every instinct screamed at her to get more distance and altitude. With a chirping war song behind and above her, she listened to half of that.

The moment Ditzy set her hooves on the ground, she felt something shift above her, a change in the atmosphere beyond the fading pressure differentials. She looked up and saw dozens of birds hovering above her, barely restrained murder in their eyes.

Just above them, Cherry Berry crossed her forelegs and nodded. "The Aviatrix is not without mercy. She will forgive this trespass. Once. Come, my subjects!"

Ditzy just stood there for a time, catching her breath and gathering her wits. Cherry and her flock went back to their dance.

"Hey!" A hissed voice from behind made Ditzy quirk an ear in that direction. "Over here! While she's distracted!"

She turned and saw a cave entrance in a nearby hill, with a sepia hoof waving her in. After a moment, Ditzy went towards the cave. "Not like I have any better plans," she muttered.

The cave was... well, a cave. Dark. Rocky. Enclosed. Ditzy's wings started fidgeting the moment she went inside. "Hello?"

"Hey there," said a voice near one of the cave walls. "Good to see another friendly face."

Ditzy blinked. She moved to one side to let as much light onto the other pony as she could. Then she used every technique she knew to align her eyes, however briefly. Finally, she said, "Okay, this actually explains a lot."

"Yes, yes, I'm—" Daring Do paused and frowned. "Wait, what?"

"There's a powerful magic item on the loose. You were probably going to show up at some point."

"You aren't surprised that I'm real?"

Ditzy shrugged her wings. "Not after Ring of Destiny. Half the town heard Rainbow Dash cheer when she got her advance copy, and you named the plucky sidekick character Spectrum Rush."

Daring facehoofed. "Ponyville. Of course you're from Ponyville. In my defense, my editor didn't notice."

Wind howled past the cave mouth. Ditzy flinched back, then flinched down when she saw how close that put her to the ceiling. "Okay. More importantly, what is that thing, and what is it doing to Cherry?"

"You know that mare?"

Ditzy nodded. "Ponyville's a small town. Everypony knows everypony, especially Pinkie Pie."

Daring grimaced. "Feathering Ponyville." She shook her head. "Alright, that thing is the Crown of Arabus. It's a relic from the Paleopony Period, back when history starts fading into myth. We're talking the days when Discord was sane and the Magnus walked the earth."

"I remember my history lessons."

"Then you don't know nearly as much as you think you do. But that's a conversation for another time. Point is, the Crown grants rightful rule over the forces of the air."

Ditzy tilted her head. "Meaning?"

Daring pointed at the cave mouth. "In Cherry's case, exactly what we've been seeing, control over birds and wind."

"And let me guess," Ditzy sighed, "this is one of those artifacts where only the wearer can remove it."

"Not exactly. No force of air can shift it without the wearer's permission, whether that means wind blowing it off or a pegasus trying to grab it." Daring looked off to one side. "Forgot that part when I first ran into her."

"So why isn't she controlling us?"

"We're all ponies. The Crown thinks feudally; we're her peers, not her vassals. But if Ahuizotl gets his paws on it..." Daring shuddered. "With the Crown, he'll be able to command a third of Equestria, us included."

"Won't he go just as crazy? Or would we even notice?"

Daring barked out a laugh. "Probably not, if the Crown worked that way."

"Huh?"

"See, that's the odd part. Nothing I've read suggests that the Crown has any kind of corrupting or sanity eroding effect aside from its incredible power. My best guess is an earth pony channeling air magic is going to go a little loopy."

Ditzy considered that. "Maybe she thinks it's supposed to? There was that time a showmare came to town wearing the Alicorn Amulet last year; Cherry seems to be copying a lot of her mannerisms."

Daring just stared at her for a few moments.

Ditzy cleared her throat. "Anyway, Cherry Berry's always wanted to fly. She probably thinks we're trying to take the sky away from her now that she finally has it." Ditzy frowned. "And she's not entirely wrong."

"Look, that thing belongs in a—"

"Museum?"

Daring sighed and facehoofed. "You really are a fan. No, it belongs in a secure vault, assuming it won't explode if somepony tries melting it. A powerless replica can go in the museum. The point is that that kind of power can't be trusted to anyone. Especially not Ahuizotl."

"Where is he, anyway?" Ditzy edged towards the exit, but thought better of it as another gust howled across it. "He's usually on your tail like fluff on clouds."

"I got lucky. Stumbling upon this kind of find this suddenly means that Ahuizotl couldn't ponyback my research. I don't think he even knows I'm in this part of Equestria." Daring slumped, glaring outside. "But with that madmare out there, it doesn't matter."

"Are you okay?"

Daring rolled her eyes. "You read the books. Guess what happened."

"She broke your wing?" said Ditzy.

Daring nodded and finally stood from the wall she'd been resting against, revealing the slapdash field dressing binding her left wing to her side. "She broke my peevish wing. You handled those gusts of hers a lot better than I did."

"I'm really used to spinouts." Ditzy scrunched her muzzle. "And you're a lot more foul-mouthed in person than I imagined."

"Only when I break a wing. Just because I'm used to setting the tabula rasa things doesn't make them hurt any less."

Ditzy was pretty sure that that wasn't actually a curse, but now didn't seem like the time to mention it. "Okay, so what's the plan then?"

"Plan?"

"You're Daring Do. You're seriously telling me you don't have three cunning plans to get out of this latest scrape?"

"I might have if I had known I'd be going up against the Crown of Arabus today," Daring grumbled. "The books gloss over all the prep work that goes into dynamic archeology. I may know the basics about that thing, but I don't know any weaknesses or exceptions I might use." She shook her head. "What I want to know is how she found it."

Ditzy considered that, feeling her eyes drift about as she did. "I know she was visiting family in Dodge Junction for the winter. Do you think she could've stumbled on it there?"

Daring sighed. "It's stupidly likely. These things have a habit of pulling that kind of horseapples. The good news is that now that you've careened into my lap, we might actually have a chance."

Ditzy blinked. Her eyes were still far out of alignment, in no small part out of shock. "Wait. Me?"

"I don't see anypony else here who hasn't gone nuts."

"Neither do I!" Ditzy cried, feeling her wings flare out in agitation. "I'm a mailmare! I can't go up against some Paleopony artifact!"

Daring tilted her head, her mouth in a quizzical tilt. "What do you mean? You seemed cool as a cumulus until now. You've been throwing around so much snark, it may not all fit in the story."

"Feathering Ponyville, remember? Anypony who couldn't watch the apocalypse unfold on a regular basis moved out of town years ago. But going up against it is completely different! The closest I've ever come is when they called in every able-bodied pegasus to try to stop Tirek, and I barely qualified! And we don't have any more of a plan here and now than they did then!"

The punch wasn't that hard, more of an aggressive poke than anything. It was still enough to make Ditzy's eyes focus on a scowling Daring Do. "Are you finished?"

"I guess."

"Good." Daring took a deep breath. "Do you know what the difference is between you and me?"

"Better depth perception, better sense of direction, more archeological knowledge—"

"I'm trying to make a point here."

Ditzy snorted. "Then come out and make it."

Daring put her forehooves on Ditzy's withers, looked her right in the eyes, and said, "You haven't had your chance to be a hero yet."

"Uh, yes. Yes I have." Ditzy pushed her off and backed up a few steps. "Again, fought Tirek, lost horribly."

"That wasn't heroism, that was running with the herd. Being a hero means leaving the safety of the group. It means proving you're amazing on your own. It means experiencing mind-blanking, pants-wetting terror and pressing on anyway because somepony out there is going to suffer if you succumb to your fear."

"Is this supposed to be motivational? Neither of us is even wearing pants."

Daring rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean, Ditzy. I'm out of commission. You're the only pony here who can actually do something. You said you're a mailmare?"

Ditzy gulped. "If you're going somewhere with the oath, it's just rain, sleet, and dark of night. I'm pretty sure ancient artifacts are up there with big green things with teeth and Mrs. Cake."

"Fine. My point is that anypony, and I mean anypony, can be a hero under the right circumstances."

Ditzy opened her mouth for another rejoinder, but then she remembered the gangly wallflower from flight school who went on to befriend the physical incarnation of chaos. The Canterlot snob who sat out of her own Pinkie party and later became the Princess of Friendship. "Daring, what was your first adventure like?"

"Utterly terrifying. I was still a grad student. We were excavating a ruin in the Tenochtitlan Basin. Real archeology, careful digging and tiny brushes, none of the rip-roaring adventure my books make it out to be." Daring sighed. "Honestly, sometimes I miss doing that kind of work.

"Of course, I didn't feel that way at the time. I was a bit too hasty, nicked an old magic circle, and then it was a race to keep everything sealed in the temple from escaping." Daring shut her eyes, hiding the haunted look she'd developed as she'd told the story. "I managed to keep most of them contained, but one escaped."

"Ahuizotl?"

Daring nodded. "I've been trying to fix my mistake ever since. But I remember that time all too well. The fear, the uncertainty, the desire to fly to a nice cloud somewhere miles away and pretend nothing bad is happening. I've been where you are right now. You can overcome it. You can be amazing."

Ditzy sat and thought for what felt like hours, though the sun hadn't moved by the time she came to a decision. "I don't know about being amazing, but I do have a plan."

"Excuse me! Great and Powerful Aviatrix?"

Cherry turned to face the waving Ditzy, who was very pointedly staying on the ground. Cherry descended, though her hooves never brushed the bare earth. Her avian entourage landed in a thick circle around them. "What business do you have with me, intruder? I warn you, my patience wears thin as the air itself."

"I was just wondering, you're the mistress of the skies, right?"

"Of course." Cherry tilted her chin up to what she probably thought was a dignified position. "The unbridled champion of cloud and beak!"

"She Who Spits in Gravity's Face?"

"Tamer of the wild blue yonder!"

"Grand High Muckamuck of the troposphere?"

Cherry glared at Ditzy. "As entertaining as this is, do you have a point?"

"Well, Your Breeziness, what are you actually going to do with your vast power?"

"Do? Do!? Why, the Great and Powerful Aviatrix shall..." Cherry's eyes went wide as she trailed off. She bobbed in the air as the updraft wavered.

Ditzy raised a forehoof. "If I may offer a humble suggestion?"

Cherry glared down at her. Ditzy felt several heartbeats echo in her ears before the response finally came. "The Great and Powerful Aviatrix shall permit this, given your display of proper respect towards her."

"Why should only birds know of your glory? Why not make ponies know of it as well?"

"Yes." Cherry's face split into a grin of Pinkie proportions. "Yes! Exactly as the Great and Powerful Aviatrix intended all along! Come, my flock! We fly for..."

"Ponyville?"

"Ponyville!" The wind picked up as Cherry rose, one hoof pointed to the sky. "Let them gaze in awe at what I have become!"

Ditzy cleared her throat. "One more thing, o Aviatrix?"

She got a sidelong glare. "What is it, peasant?"

"Do you know how to get to Ponyville from here?"

"Ha! Do I know how to get to Ponyville from here? Do I know how to get to Ponyville from here?" Cherry's confident grin slowly drooped down into a concerned frown. Her altitude followed suit. "Do I know how to get to Ponyville from here?"

Ditzy beamed. "I can help you there! I have a compass and everything."

Cherry quirked an eyebrow. "Or you could simply give me the compass as tribute to my majesty."

"Uh, about that... Daringnow!"

"Hmm?" Cherry blinked and leaned forward at just the right time for a pouncing Daring Do to miss the Crown of Arabus. "What did you—" Cherry's head whipped to face Daring, who was now surrounded by her own ring of irritated, squawking birds.

"Uh..." Ditzy gulped. "Now, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. I—"

"TREACHERY!" Cherry bellowed. A shockwave pulsed out from her, sending dust, birds, and pegasi all flying.

By the time Ditzy got her hooves under her, the flocks were flapping up to just under cloud level, where some were already circling like buzzards. Especially the buzzards. She paid them little mind, instead hovering and scanning the ground.

Cherry Berry loomed over her, mane once more flying everywhere in her supporting updraft. "I showed you mercy once, interloper. I will not make that mistake a—"

"There you are!" Ditzy dove for Daring, who was dragging herself to her hooves.

"What the..." Cherry said from behind her. "Get back here! You must pay for your crimes!"

Ditzy angled herself carefully, going from a straight-angled dive to a curving swoop. In less than a second, Daring saw her and boggled, eyes wide. Ditzy nearly went low enough to brush the ground with her belly fur as Daring hopped on, pushing hooves doing almost as much as flapping wings to get back altitude.

"I said get back here!"

"Are you crazy?" cried Daring.

Ditzy powered on, trying to ignore the tail in her face."I wasn't going to leave you behind."

"I've seen worse and—LEFT!"

Ditzy dove.

"THAT WASN'T LEFT!"

"I didn't know if you meant your left or my left," Ditzy said as she climbed back to her earlier altitude.

"Okay, poin— MY LEFT!"

Ditzy swung right. "Thank you."

"As I was saying, I seen worse and lived to write about it. You didn't have to take me with you."

"It's fine, Daring."

"You are literally trying to outfly the wind—MY RIGHT!—with a grown mare on your back! This is the opposite of fine!"

Ditzy couldn't help but smile. "I never told you my special talent, did I?"

"Unless it's immortality—MY LEFT!—I don't see how that's relevant!"

"It isn't. It's carrying capacity."

"What?"

"As far as I'm concerned, you're as light as a soap bubble. Just keep being the eyes in the back of my head and we'll be fine."

"Well, when you put it that way, then— DIVE! DIVE!"

Ditzy dove. The blast of wind sent dust and sand billowing up from the San Palomino below. Ditzy turned around and slipped out from under Cherry Berry, curving around and racing in a slightly different direction.

"I will see you banished to the deepest pits of Tartarus!" Cherry howled.

"Okay, she's following us, but I think she can't go any faster without leaving the birds behind," Daring said from her rear view position. "How you doing on pressing on despite the fear?"

"I'll freak out when I have the time."

"That's the spirit." Daring took a deep breath. "'Daringnow'? Really? What did you expect me to do?"

"I thought you might not count as a force of air with a broken wing."

"That's absurd," said Daring.

"So is surviving a balefire explosion inside a—"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence."

"RAAAAAAAGHH!"

Ditzy sighed. "She caught up?"

"She caught up."

They fell into a rhythm, Daring shouting directions and Ditzy keeping her pace steady. Cherry Berry never changed her tactics, lashing out with plenty of rage and stubbornness but little innovation. Soon enough, Ponyville came into view, the snow swept away or melted.

Ditzy dove again, burning wings angled back into a power dive. "Coming in hot!" she called.

Rainbow Dash flew alongside her. "What the heck did you— Is that Daring Do?"

"Not the time, fanfilly," said Daring.

"Cherry Berry, ancient artifact," Ditzy panted. "Controls wind, pegasi can't touch, making her crazy."

"Got it." Dash streaked away.

"Well, that was helpful," Daring drawled.

Ditzy landed, managed a few steps, then all but collapsed as her body started collecting on the loan her adrenaline had taken out. "Wait. For. It..." she gasped.

"Wait for what, our imminent doom? Because I don't see how—" Daring stared, slack-jawed.

Ditzy smiled at the sheer number of magenta auras filling the southern sky. All but two winked out, one guiding Cherry Berry to the ground as the other brought the Crown to an approaching, frowning alicorn.

"Ditzy," said Twilight, "I'd like to have some idea of what's going on here."

The smile became a facesplitting grin. Ditzy laughed, half out of delirious exhaustion. "I got the birds on the first try this year!"

Author's Note

For those keeping track, the timeline here breaks down like this:

Year 1: Amethyst Star/Sparkler organizes Winter Wrap-Up. Ditzy goes west. Nightmare Moon has three months of banishment left.
Year 2: Mayor Mare organizes Winter Wrap-Up. Ditzy goes north. Events of "Winter Wrap-Up" unfold.
Year 3: Twilight Sparkle, then a unicorn, organizes Winter Wrap-Up two or three months after "Hearth's Warming Eve." Ditzy goes missing and is eventually found in a snowglobe.
Year 4: Events of this story. Twilight ascended, lost a library, and gained a castle over the course of the year. "Tanks for the Memories" occurred three months prior.

Arabus was a G1 villain. I honestly don't know much about him, but he appears to be some manner of air elemental, similar to Lavan.

Credit for one of Daring's more creative curses goes to Carabas's Treasures.

And yes, I'm positing that Cherry Berry and Cherry Jubilee are related. It seems logical.