King Sombra Wants Back Inside His Empire

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Cadance, Comedy, King Sombra
Length: 32929

King Sombra wants back inside his Empire. And he's willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

If there's one thing that King Sombra misses most, it's being inside his old Empire. Sadly, both Shining Armor and Princess Cadence currently rule there in his stead.

Now if only there was a proper way around those two idiots.

Original artwork by Keriwi1: HERE!

Published 2016-11-17 02:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-18 22:26:24 UTC

Using Words!

Shining Armor should’ve seen it coming. Really, he should’ve. Although he had no possible way of doing so, he should’ve broken all the laws of time and space and peered down the blackened abyss of all-consuming knowledge in order to tell himself just what lay ahead that day.

Anything to prepare him for what was coming.

His day had started out great; warmly sandwiched between his perfect wife and perfect little daughter, all three sleeping soundly throughout the night for what must’ve been the first time in weeks. Even Shining’s morning coffee had been perfectly perked to perfection: a little strong, a little sweet, served piping hot. (A few terms Cadence had used on the stallion over the years, he thought to himself with a sly grin, as he later pissed out that very same coffee not thirty minutes after drinking it. Coffee had that effect on everyone, though.)

Truly, Shining Armor had never felt more content in all his life. Until…

“Captain! Captain Armor, I need to speak with you most urgently!”

Shining grunted and gave a little shake. Then he washed his hooves and popped open the door to the Captain’s private lavatory. “Yes? What’s so important that all of the Empire needs to hear you yell about it?”

At the moment, the guard he spoke to appeared more than agitated and alarmed. Almost as if instead of ingesting his normal morning coffee, he’d opted for an espresso enema instead.

“It’s…” the guard began gamely, as beads of sweat trickled down his cheeks. “It’s returned! It’s back and it’s even worse than before!”

Shining raised an inquisitive brow. “It’s? So it’s a thing?” He scratched at his chin. “Is it Reading Week already? I haven’t even finished that book from last year. I know Twilight passed that mandatory reading bill only last month, but—”

The guard surprised him by tightly grabbing his shoulders. “Okay, so maybe it’s not an it, but a he! As in… he has returned!”

Clearly, Shining wasn’t getting it. “Discord?”

The guard shook his head.

“Tirek?”

Repeat head shake.

“Diamond dogs?”

Once again.

“Flim and Flam?”

Encore head shake.

“Hmm.” Shining pursed his lips. “Alright. Then let me ask you this: has either Queen Chrysalis or Nightmare Moon had a sex change that we know about?”

The guard raked two hard hooves down his face. “Captain! The pony I’m talking about is—”

***

“Sombra?” Shining asked earnestly, once he’d made his way to the top of the circular wall that surrounded the entire Crystal Empire. “King Sombra? I must’ve completely forgotten about him.”

The same guard from earlier had trailed him up there. “Seriously? You do remember that at one point this was his Empire, right? You’re even sleeping in his old bed right now!”

Shining wrinkled his nose in disgust. “I am? Those sheets have been washed, right?”

The guard only shrugged.

“That would explain all those black hairs I keep on finding,” Shining murmured to himself, before a loud and overwhelmingly guttural voice let itself known.

“Captain Armor! I have come to hold palaver with you!”

The three dozen or so guards stationed atop the wall shivered and whipped around. Shining followed their example, angling his head over the smooth crystal railing in order to glance down below. Sixty feet down and a good twenty paces away from the Empire’s gigantic wall stood the ex-tyrant known as King Sombra, clad in a blood red blanket and little else. Around his head was what appeared to be a makeshift crown pieced together by bits of crumpled aluminum foil and tape.

Where he got those materials in the middle of Frozen North was anyone’s guess.

As the seconds ticked by, more and more guards turned their attention to Shining, curious of just how to proceed. Shining felt his neck and cheeks flush, but only for a moment. Sombra was clearly outnumbered and ill prepared. And what else?

“No dark cloud of vapors today, Sombra?” Shining called down, a thick edge to his voice. “I must say you look a lot more solid than the last time we met.”

Far, far down below, Sombra furrowed his brows and absently glanced at his torso and legs. “Well, I guess I have been working out a bit. Lots of walking. Chopping down trees for firewood. Cardio and all that.” He tipped him a wink. “Thanks for noticing, by the way.”

Shining sighed. “No, what I meant was… you know what? Never mind. I don’t even care. The better question is: what are you even doing here? Why in Equestria would you come back to this place?”

Sombra surprised Shining with a half-sided grin. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m here for my Empire, of course.”

Rolling his eyes, Shining signaled his archers to let their arrows loose. From the tip of the wall soared forty-two sharp crystal arrows, each one aimed at either Sombra’s eyes, throat, or genitals. Miraculously, he managed to dodge all but one, ducking and weaving his way around them like some ballet dancer listening to three musical tracks concurrently. When all was said and done, he turned to survey the damage and shrieked.

One of the arrows had pierced the blood red blanket resting on his back.

“My blanket-slash-tent-slash-cape!” he wailed, before facing Shining on the wall again. “You fiend! You better have someone inside there that can stitch him back up, Shining! My blanket’s name was the Red Baron and he kept me warm at night when no one else would!”

Shining rubbed at his forehead with a hoof.

Death and isolation has not served Sombra well, he thought dourly.

He called down again, “Well, clearly you don’t have any magic anymore; otherwise you would’ve stopped those arrows in midair, or better yet turned yourself into smoke and simply floated over this wall without any hassle whatsoever.”

“What was that?” Sombra replied, his voice oddly high given his normal blues-singer-with-a-throat-disease-like tone. “King Sombra with no magic? Since when?” He waved a hoof in the air nonchalantly. “I mean, it’s not like my horn was violently ripped from my head and hurled Celestia knows where, all so some random jackass of a pony or donkey could trip over it and later add it to their personal rock collection. Please, Shining! Think before you speak! I’m just, you know… saving my magic! For super special occasions.”

“And returning to your old stomping grounds doesn’t count as a special enough occasion?” Shining asked him dryly.

Sombra appeared at a loss for words, until he randomly pointed above Shining’s head. “Shining, look out! It’s coming right for you!”

Taken back by Sombra’s more-than-odd appearance and mannerisms, Shining regretfully spun himself around to check, only to slump his shoulders in annoyance once he heard Sombra laughing like a loon back down on the snowy ground.

“That sure was a close one, Shining!” Sombra cried, as he held both hooves to his clearly-pained belly. “Your stupidity almost hit you square in the face!”

Shining signaled for another round of arrows to be let loose. This time, Sombra didn’t even have the chance to dodge (he was still too busy laughing until his tears froze to his cheeks). Thankfully, the arrows created a perfect circle around him. Much to Shining Armor’s chagrin.

He glared at his row of archers. “Seriously, guys?”

One of them anxiously scratched at a leg. “Sorry, Captain. Although, technically, this is our first real threat. And honestly not all that threatening.”

“Still there, Captain Shining?” Sombra cooed.

Shining stuck his head on the cold railing and glanced down. “Not by choice.”

Sombra chuckled. “Good. Because here’s what I want: I want back inside my Empire.”

“So you can rule it again?” Shining questioned.

“What? Of course not! Is that all you think I do, Shining? Go after Empires for the sole purpose of conquering and ruling over them with an iron hoof?”

“Yes.”

Sombra frowned. “Then you don’t know me at all, my good sir! Why… I have many wonderful hobbies that occupy my time! Like telling others what to do, skull collecting, ironic torture sessions, sending wedding cakes to recent divorcees, kite flying, whips, both for professional and private use, snow eating, rigging elections, blaming bad smells on others nearby, outlawing sundaes on Sundays—”

Shining held out a hoof. “Stop. Please, just stop. You’re giving me a headache so bad it feels like there are crystals being slowly shoved inside my eye sockets.”

Sombra peered up at him expectantly. “So you’ll let me back in then?”

“Why would I ever do that? Use that demented brain of yours, Sombra, and think for a moment! I don’t want you in here. Cadence sure doesn’t want you in here. And I’m more than certain at least ninety-nine percent of the population that resides in here doesn’t want you back.”

“I’m sure my old friend Jim would want me in back,” Sombra replied happily. “Go ask Jim what he thinks. And make sure you tell that worthless piece of dirt to go get back to work before I skin him alive.” He chuckled. “It’s an inside joke between us. Saying that really gets under his skin.”

“Jim’s still in therapy because of you,” Shining told him briskly. “Extensive therapy. He’s not ever likely to recover fully.”

Sombra furrowed his brows. “Is he in therapy because he misses me so much?”

Shining choose to ignore that last part. “Moving on, I have a kid now, Sombra. So why would I want you and my daughter in the same city? Plus—”

“Ha! That means you had sex!” Sombra blurted out randomly.

“Umm. Anyways,” Shining continued on, “we have you more than outnumbered and you don’t even have any magic! So unless you can somehow pierce through our three-foot-thick crystal gate or find some magical unicorn sneakers that allow you to leap over tall buildings in a single bound—you are not getting in here!”

Finally, Sombra’s smirk slid down his face. “So that’s the way it’s gonna be, huh?”

Shining nodded. “Yep. I honestly thought you would’ve seen this coming.”

Sombra lowered his head. “Fine. Then I will do something I didn’t think I would have to. I will now use the most powerful weapon in all of ponykind: words.”

Sitting on the cold, wet snow, Sombra gazed up the Empire’s immense wall with his front hooves pressed together. His lower lip jutted out, quivering in the icy wind. As his eyes shimmered, his pupils grew wide.

In hardly a croak, he murmured, “Please?”

And that was all.

From side to side Shining looked around, trying to gauge the situation along with his fellow guards. They only shrugged in return. They were just as confused as he was.

Shining called down, “Was that it?”

“Uhh…” Sombra paused to contemplate. “Pretty please?”

“Gonna have to do better than that, Sombra.”

Reaching under the blanket known as the Red Barron, Sombra scooped out a glass jar loaded with small, floating red fruit. He smiled earnestly. “Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

Shining closed his eyes in pure annoyance, hopeful that if his brains suddenly turned into mush they’d exit out his ears or nose and not out through his eyelids. “Did you honestly bring an entire jar of cherries across the Frozen North just to say that?”

“Of course not!” Sombra corrected. “They were to put on top of my apology.”

A full minute passed; Shining staring at Sombra deadpan the entire time.

“That blast of pure love really scrambled your brains, didn’t it?” he asked openly.

Sombra only nodded. “Along with my testicles. Boy, did those things ever soar for miles and miles! In opposite directions, too!”

“You’re still not getting in here, Sombra,” Shining reminded him.

“But why? I said ‘please’ and everything! I even said ‘pretty please’!”

“But are you even sorry for what you did?”

Sombra scowled. “So that’s what this is about—an apology? To admit that I was wrong and you were…” He paused to gag, close to vomiting. He let out a rather acidic burp. “Right.”

“It couldn’t hurt,” Shining replied. “I know admitting mistakes always makes me feel better.”

“Perhaps that’s only because you were born a mistake,” Sombra muttered under his breath, before catching himself. “But alright! Fine! One warm-and-buttery apology coming right up! Fresh from the Sombra oven! Also known as my magnificent mouth!” He hesitated, thinking. “Although, truth be told, I’ve never actually done one of those before. But I can’t imagine them being too hard to perform. Let’s see here…”

Once more, Sombra shuffled into his best ‘forgive me’ stance, kneeling in the snow.

“Shining, I’m…” he started off well enough, although it seemed as if the last part of his sentence was seriously getting jammed in his throat. “Shining, I’m sss… I’m shh… I’m—”

“It’s pronounced sorry, Sombra. It’s not that hard. You can do it.”

“I’m getting there!” Sombra roared back. “It’s not like I taught myself how to speak properly only a month ago, you jerk!”

But try as Sombra’s might, it didn’t seem as if that last word might ever leave his lips—at least without a fight most severe. Slowly, trails of blood began seeping from both his nostrils and mouth, and eventually his eyes. He coughed hard, shooting a crimson snowflake out onto the snow.

“I’m…” Sombra’s eyes had become stained red, the veins in his neck throbbing grotesquely. He hardly drew in air anymore. “SORRY!” he finally screamed, before collapsing face first into the snow, half-buried with his rump sticking out.

And so Sombra dies, Shining thought morosely. Again. And to think a single apology was all it took.

“Can… can I come in now?” Sombra asked from where he’d collapsed, enveloped in fresh white powder. “I’m cold and want hot chocolate. With marshmallows.”

“No,” was Shining’s terse reply.

Sombra sighed. “You know I’m coming back tomorrow, right?”

Author's Note

So this might end up anywhere from 5 - 10 chapters long. Chapter lengths from 500 words to around this length. (Think "Fluttershy Wants In Your Pants", but with Sombra wanting inside his old Empire.)

Cadence and Flurry Heart will make appearances, as will others. This will remain DUMB. Think Wylie Coyote trying to catch the Road Runner type of ridiculous. :facehoof:

Using Flyers!

“No. Nooooooo,” Shining Armor whined rather childishly, seated at his kitchen table with a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese before him. “Can’t you see I’m enjoying my macaroni right now?”

The guard that had rushed to speak with him most urgently glanced away. “Again, I’m most sorry, Captain Armor. I know how much macaroni time means to you, but… he has returned. Just like yesterday.”

There was little shock that statement; no trembling or evident fear at all.

“Sombra,” Shining muttered, rolling his eyes as he used his horn to eat a spoonful of his deliciously gooey macaroni. “Have you tried simply ignoring him? He has no way of getting in here. He has no magic. The gates are locked. Any pony that wants out, we just teleport a safe distance away.”

The guard sighed. “You see, Captain, we’ve tried to ignore him, but that only makes him work even harder at gathering our attention. And Sombra can yell really loud. For example: all he’s done this morning is sing catchy Equestrian pop songs, but with lyrics of his own design. As horrible as it sounds, I was surprised to find myself hoof-tapping to his rendition of ‘Smile, Smile, Smile’, redone as ‘Scowl, Scowl, Scowl’. I must admit, he does have quite the singing voice. Basso profondo.”

Shining looked up at him. “What?”

“It’s the lowest male singing voice.”

“The more you know.” Shining took another spoonful of macaroni, licking the spoon afterward. His eyes darted between his near full bowl of noodles and the guard. “Do I need to deal with Sombra personally? Can’t someone else do it this time?”

The guard anxiously scratched at the back of his neck. “Well, technically, you are the Captain of the Guards. And it is the Captain’s duty to deal firsthoof with all Crystal Empire problems. And you are wearing that nametag of yours again.”

Shining glanced at his lapel. A nametag there read: “CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR”. That only made him frown. “It’s only to stop ponies from calling me ‘Shinning’ Armor anymore. It’s annoying! You know what ‘Shinning’ even means? It means to climb stuff! As in, ‘Better get Shinning Armor to go climb that rope over there! I heard he’s great at it!’”

“The more you know.” The guard’s face reddened. “You’ve been saving that rant up for some time, haven’t you?”

Ignoring the question, Shining crammed more cheesy goodness into his mouth, hopeful it would distance his mind from Sombra. Sadly, following the fourth spoonful, he found he could hardly enjoy it anymore. He just knew he’d have to deal with Sombra sooner or later that day—with or without a bellyful of tasty warm pasta.

He pushed himself from the table. “Fine. And maybe this time I’ll turn the hose on him and watch him freeze.”

***

“This better be good, Sombra!” Shining bellowed down from the lip of the Empire’s silvery wall. “You’re ruining my mac and me time!”

Sombra craned his neck up to view. He retorted, “Well, in that case, you’re ruining my Empire and me time!”

On the railing, Shining tiredly rested his head on a hoof. “For the second and hopefully last time, Sombra, you are not getting in here. Ever. So why not try a new city to corrupt and systematically destroy? How about you try running a subpar bagel shop in Baltimare?”

“Would you buy bagels from the likes of me?” Sombra asked, sharp fangs and twitching eyelids out on display. “I think I’d have better luck selling crystal-shaped drugs in some decrepit back alley, seated atop a hill of soiled mattresses known as my Throne of Bad Decisions.”

Shining grimaced. “I guess you have a point. Okay. Have you thought about staying in the woods and never coming out? Wouldn’t that be cool! Huh? Never bothering anyone ever again? Perhaps dying of hunger or dehydration eventually? Eaten by a bear or pack of wolves? Sure sounds fun to me!”

“Save your breath, Shining,” Sombra replied thickly. “There is only one place for me! My Empire made of beautiful, rich crystal! I consider it so beautiful, in fact, that it is not even an it to me anymore, but a she! And right now she is calling to me! Wanting me deep inside of her! And I won’t stop until I’m all the way in. Whether that means I have to force my way through her tight front gate or sneak through her secret back entrance—”

“I get it, I get it,” Shining interrupted, holding out a hoof. “Sex jokes. Highly amusing, Sombra. But I hope there’s more to today’s display than this. As I told you yesterday, mere words won’t get you inside. Neither will sheer annoyance or moronic threats.”

“Then how about this!” Above his head, Sombra held out a single leaf of paper. From such a long distance away, not a single guard on the wall nor Shining knew just what was on it, if there was anything on it at all.

“What is that?” Shining asked. “You write me a poem? A short story? A grocery list? A Top Ten Princess Jokes List?”

A nearby guard nudged another one in the ribs. “I’d totally read that. I love top ten lists. Almost as good as top twenty lists.”

Sombra scowled at Shining just as hard as the song ‘Scowl, Scowl, Scowl’ had told him to. He was clearly taking this a lot more earnestly than the rest of them. “Will you just read it?”

The wondrous, short word known as ‘No’ danced on the tip of Shining’s tongue, ready to viciously pounce, when the paper in Sombra’s clutches was suddenly levitated into the air.

Only to land perfectly in Princess Cadence’s grasp.

“Cadence?” Shining blurted out with a jolt. “But… but… it’s not safe for you up here! Sombra! He’s—” He then noted Flurry Heart bouncing around on Cadence’s back, gnawing on the tips of his wife’s mane. “Flurry Heart? You two can’t be up here! Not while—”

“Hello, Sombra,” Cadence greeted the disheveled villain at the foot of their city warmly. She even gave him a polite wave.

In response, Sombra reddened and pawed at the snow. “Hi, Princess Cadence. You’re looking rather fetching this fine morning.”

“Thank you. And you’re looking rather… alive? Surprisingly alive and kicking?”

“Yep!” Sombra chirped brightly, as if the notion of not dying like he was supposed to years prior gave him some form of bragging rights.

“Oddly enough, this is the first that I’m hearing of you,” Cadence told him, using her large eyes to toss daggers in Shining’s direction. “I heard just a short while ago from a friend that you popped by yesterday. You’d think my own husband would’ve mentioned something as big as the return of King Sombra, but… what do I know, right?”

Sombra just kept pawing at the snow. “You really think I’m that big a deal?”

Back atop the wall, Shining trotted up to Cadence, his wavy mane quickly becoming unkempt. “Cadence, please try to understand. I was only doing what I thought was right at the time. Sombra came back yesterday, but then he left! And I thought he’d never come back! I… I just didn’t want you to worry. You or the baby.”

He rubbed his nose against Flurry Heart’s, causing her to squeal and grab at his cheeks and mane. They both smiled at one another.

“You thought I was going to miss out on something like this?” Cadence’s replied smugly, scanning the single page that Sombra had held up earlier. “I can’t stay inside the castle all day, you know? And this might even be good for Flurry Heart. Baby’s first villain and all.”

“What’s the note say?” Shining asked.

Cadence gave it a once over. “Not a note, but a flyer; one that I stuck up last week asking around the Empire for potential babysitters. How Sombra got hold of a copy is beyond me.”

Somehow Shining’s skin paled even more than physically possible. “So he wants to babysit for us? That’s his plan to get back inside here? Holy macaroni, is that unicorn ever delusional.”

“Speaking of macaroni, Flurry Heart finished off that bowl you left on the table in the kitchen. Hopefully, you were all done with it.”

All warmth in Shining’s face exited in a hurry as he narrowed his eyes at his daughter. “You’re lucky we’re related,” he hissed.

Keeping the flyer above her head, Cadence stepped toward the wall’s railing. “So you want to look after Flurry Heart, do you?”

Sombra nodded, a faint smirk on his muzzle.

“Usually we try hiring ponies with experience, Sombra. What experience do you have in such a field as childcare?”

Sombra waved a hoof in the air. “Experience? You kidding? I’m great with kids! Why, back when I ruled the Crystal Empire, I had a whole group of children dig their own graves as a teambuilding exercise! I know nothing motivates me more than near death experiences!”

Cadence pursed her lips. “That’s not all that helpful, honestly.”

“Helpful, you say?” Sombra asked with a sly grin. “What about that one time I ordered a whole group of homeless children to put together their own orphanage to live in? What a way to solve a problem, am I right?”

“It’s widely known that that very same orphanage collapsed in on itself not six hours later, crushing to death every pony trapped inside.”

“So? Problem solved! Less homeless kids to worry about! And what a fun treasure hunt that made for the kids that remained! ‘Who wants to find what’s left of Little Timmy everyone? Although he might be a tad littler than before, being sandwiched between two floors worth of solid concrete.’”

Cadence turned her back to him, making eye contact with her husband. With just a look, she knew what he was thinking. See why I didn’t want to get you involved?

Reluctantly, Cadence walked back into Sombra’s view. “Well, as nice as that all sounds, and as interested as we would be to hire you to look after Flurry Heart… uhh… the position’s been filled! It was filled this morning, actually. They start tomorrow.”

“Wait. You hired someone and didn’t mention it to me?” Shining asked her credulously.

Now was the time for Shining to read his wife’s mind. For the love of Celestia, can’t you tell that I’m lying here?

“O-oh,” Sombra stammered out, rubbing at his unshaved cheek. “I guess I was a little late in applying… and being such a popular baby and all. What is the lucky pony’s name, if I may ask?”

Caught completely off guard, Cadence gulped dryly. “Suzy.”

“Suzy…” Sombra let the lone name dangle.

“Suzy Suzypants,” Cadence finished lamely. There was a reason she only lasted a single night in beginner’s improv class. She made a mental note to rename some poor mare living in the city Suzy Suzypants should Sombra start snooping around for them.

“Suzy Suzypants. I… see.” Sombra nodded a single time. “Pony names really went down hill over the last few years. Well, I guess I’ll be heading out, then.”

Collectively, Shining and Cadence exhaled in relief.

Until Sombra shot his head back up with newfound energy.

“Hey, here’s an idea! Why not let Flurry Heart decide? I know I heard someone mewling up there before!” He lightened his tone. “Flurry Heart! Oh, Flurry Heart!”

Before either Shining or Cadence had a chance to react, Flurry Heart’s eyes shot open while her wings spread wide. A new voice was calling out to her, and it interested her greatly. Leaping off her mother’s back, she managed to make it a full dozen paces out over the safety of the wall before the combined magical strength of both her parents’ aura pulled her back in.

Too late, though. Sombra was now in clear view, causing her to excitedly clap her hooves together.

“Hey there, little one!” Sombra called out sweetly. Or as sweetly as a nefarious, mass murdering monster could. “Have your parents been saying mean things about me again? It wouldn’t surprise me. But Sombra isn’t all that bad. Why, he could even be your friend! Can Suzy Suzypants even do this?”

With that said, Sombra flipped upside-down to stand on his head. For the first ten seconds or so, it worked, up until his ratty old cape fell over his face, blinding him. He toppled to the ground with a thud, his forehead scraping against a rock hidden in the snow.

By the time he got back to his hooves, he was already bleeding from the head.

Much to Flurry Heart’s evident delight.

Cadence held tight to the happily clapping and giggling child—a dour expression glued to her face. “Oh, Flurry Heart! Don’t laugh at that! It’s not nice laughing at ponies that hurt themselves.”

Down below, Sombra grinned much wider than before, uncaring of the blood seeping down his cheeks. “Could that be laughter I hear? A baby that actually enjoy seeing others writhing in pain?”

No one could stop Sombra as he attempted another cartwheel across the snow, letting himself go limp in the very middle so he’d land squarely on his head again. This only made Flurry Heart laugh even harder than before.

“Best for last!” Sombra announced with a blood-caked face, running full tilt toward the solid crystal wall that outlined the Empire. Right before impact, he jumped, perfectly flattening himself against it. For eight seconds he merely hung there, until he sluggishly fell away one limb at a time, like an old piece of chewed gum pressed against the underside of a bench.

That last act seemed to do the trick, as Flurry Heart didn’t just laugh and clap this time around, but howl and thrash until tears streamed down her small cheeks. She even leveled a hoof in Sombra’s direction, as if to wordlessly exclaim, Look at this guy! This guy gets it!

Sprawled out on the cold ground, Sombra looked beat. Beaten and bloody, in fact. He smirked toward Cadence. “Clearly, she likes me better. So when should I stop by? How’s eight tomorrow morning sound? I could make us all banana pancakes for breakfast!”

Cadence didn’t even have the words to properly convey how she felt at that point. Awkwardness? Pity? Anger? Sadness? Concern for her daughter’s newly discovered blood lust? So with no good answer in mind, she simply turned away from him to retreat back inside. But not before ordering a group of guards to exit the city’s gate to patch up Sombra before sending him on his way.

An entire three weeks later, Flurry Heart would finally cease drawing pictures of Sombra injuring himself. But only because she ran out of blood red Crayons to use.

Author's Note

This chapter was supposed to have a more "explosive" ending, but was getting a little long. I guess I'll just save it for later, then! :scootangel:

Using Balloons!

Shining Armor kept his steaming coffee mug hovering in the air with his horn. Every few minutes, he shot sparks at its base to keep it hot; the icy chill from the wind at the top of the Crystal Empire’s wall froze both pony and caffeinated beverage alike.

He took a long sip and it was good. Then he closed his eyes and took a breath.

Maybe Sombra wouldn’t come back today. Maybe after two failed attempts, he’d finally take the hint and go pillage another village, thrash the scene. At least in that case, he and Cadence could respond to the emergency, fighting Sombra head on. Because at least in that case, Sombra would once again be the tyrannical villain of the picture and Shining and his wife would be the heroes everyone admired.

So far, Sombra had only appeared at their gates to seemingly annoy anyone he could, before disappearing back into the woodworks fairly peacefully. A complete absence of magic will do that to a pony, Shining thought to himself coolly. With no magic to call his own, all Sombra has left is his lackluster mouth and his words—however disastrous they may be for him.

Shining took another sip and found it cold. Someone should really invent mugs that heat themselves, he thought stubbornly. I know I’d buy that for a bit!

“Good morning, Shining!” came the oddly jovial voice from down below. “Miss me?”

Shining glanced over the railing, hopeful his rock-hard expression would prove answer enough.

Sombra only snickered. “Oh, don’t be like that, Mr. Shiny Shield. I’ve brought you something today! Aren’t you excited? Don’t you want to see what it is?”

Shining had been so taken back by Sombra’s sudden appearance that it took him a moment to notice the large sack draped across his back. There must’ve been a large amount of whatever was inside, because it looked close to bursting.

Wordlessly, Shining signaled his guards. Thirty archers took aim.

“Leave now, Sombra,” Shining announced thickly. “This’ll be your only warning.”

Ignoring this threat, Sombra swung his heavy sack down into the snow before searching around inside. From his position on the wall, Shining had no way of telling exactly what he had.

Down on the ground, Sombra lowered his head and blew. Then he did so again. And again and again until he seemed satisfied. He whirled around, gently holding his “gift” between two hooves. A large red balloon with his likeness stretched across its middle.

He smiled up at Shining. “A balloon. Just for—”

Pop!

A stray arrow sliced through it, making him jolt.

Shining turned to his archers. “I didn’t tell anyone to fire! Who told you to fire?”

A lone archer lowered his head miserably. “Sorry, Captain. I just really hate balloons. And clowns. But mostly balloons. My mother was in a tragic balloon accident, you see. And sometimes… at night… I can still hear them rubbing together!”

His eyes got watery as another guard wrapped a comforting foreleg around him.

To save his mind as well as what remained of his dignity, Shining turned back to Sombra at the base of the wall; by then Sombra had blown up another three balloons—all completely identical with his smug expression plastered across them. For reasons so far unknown, each one was tied to a string that was tightly looped around one of Sombra’s limbs.

“So we’ve moved onto bribery, then?” Shining asked most bewildered. “I mean, sure, I guess I saw that coming, but… with balloons? Where’d you even get all those? They’re not even normal balloons! They’re like… specialty made! Is there a balloon shop in the woods that I don’t know about?”

Sombra blew up a fourth one and tied it to his tail. Once he got his breath back, he glanced upward again. “You want a balloon, Shining? I’ll be happy to give you one once I’m back inside my Empire. Which should be any minute now.”

With that stated, he returned his attention to expanding more balloons, barely stopping to breathe. Soon his face reddened and visible sweat rolled from his temples.

“I wouldn’t let you inside here if you gave me a thousand balloons, Sombra!” Shining exclaimed heroically, before quickly realizing just how juvenile and bizarre that all sounded once uttered aloud.

He turned to his left and sighed. No alicorns. That’s a relief.

Then he turned to his right.

“Oh! Hey, Cadence!” Shining blundered out in front of his glaring wife. “How you doing? Lunch time already?”

Cadence looked both majestic and motherly standing atop the wall with Flurry Heart on her back. By the mashed bits of carrot slop lining Flurry’s mouth, it appeared clear that Shining actually had missed lunch that afternoon.

Speaking evenly, Cadence said, “I thought yesterday we agreed that any Sombra business would now be our business. Shining, why didn’t you send someone to come get me?”

“Well… I mean… just look!” Shining held out a hoof in Sombra’s direction, who was now on his twelfth balloon. How he was able to knot both the balloons and all those strings with just his flat hooves would remain a mystery until the day Shining died years later in a freak blimp accident.

Cadence raised a brow. “He’s filling balloons now? But why?”

“I dunno!” Shining chirped. “And he has a whole sack of them! Possibly thousands!” He leaned over the railing to inspect. “No air pump, either! He’s just blowing up balloons for no good reason at all!”

Sombra inhaled air after his fifteen completed balloon. “Be up there… in a minute… Shining!” he wheezed out tiredly.

“He plans to float up here? Tied to balloons?” Cadence asked, the thinnest of grins on her lips. “He does realize balloons only float due to helium, right? Right?”

Shining only shrugged.

Stepping close to the edge, Cadence took a look for herself. Flurry Heart did too, remembering her clumsy, funny-looking friend from yesterday. She giggled and wildly waved two forelegs at him. Sombra, sluggishly, waved one back, before grabbing another balloon to fill.

“And where did he even get so many balloons with his image on them?” was Cadence’s next question. “Who’s even funding this?”

It felt as if Shining’s wife had seemingly just read his mind. “I know, right?”

Conversation lulled as every pony on the wall patiently watched Sombra work on the ground. 314… 315… 316. A few of the guards tried to keep count, but kept on getting their numbers mixed up. Regardless, the number of blown-up balloons currently tied to Sombra had to be somewhere in the mid-three hundreds.

“Sombra!” Cadence called out to him. “Please, stop! This is pointless! Really, it is!”

Sombra sat slouched in the snow, another empty balloon in his grasp. His breath sounded raspy and thin, like in the middle of an asthma attack. His whole body was drenched in sweat, his face the color of a beet slice.

“I’m coming… up!” he spoke, each word seemingly on the verge of choking him. “Any… second… now…”

Before finishing that last thought of his, Sombra’s eyes closed and he passed out. He fell backward onto a trio of filled balloons that loudly burst underneath him. Somehow even that couldn’t wake him up from his comatose-like slumber.

Cadence and Shining regarded their fallen nemesis for a moment before facing each other. (Flurry Heart keeping her sight squarely on Sombra over her mother’s shoulder.) Cadence chewed on a lip before admitting quietly, “This is stupid, Shining.”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Tell me about it. Sombra would’ve had a better chance getting inside here dressed up as a mare searching for a quick date.” He flinched as a mental image swam into his head. He shook himself to get it out.

“No,” Cadence replied. “I mean this is really stupid. Like too stupid.” She took a furtive glance back at Sombra, still in mid-snore. “We have to remember that at one point, Sombra was a King—a King in charge of a whole empire! Clearly, he has revenge on the mind at the moment, but is this honestly how any of us pictured him going about it? With weak apologies, babysitting applications, and balloons?”

“He did mention some brain trauma earlier,” Shining tried to add helpfully.

Cadence only shook her head. “I feel like we’re being tricked into a false sense of stupidity—that Sombra wants us to think he’s an idiot.” She paused, took a breath. “All I know, is that at this very moment, Sombra is either our most brilliant adversary… or the most brain-dead pony alive.”

Why not both? Shining was about to blurt, a moment before Flurry Heart started energetically bouncing around on her mother’s back. She hurriedly scrambled up her neck and sat on her head, holding onto Cadence’s horn for support.

Soon both parents discovered the source of her excitement. They both grimaced.

“It can’t be,” Shining whispered, as he caught sight of the three hundred or so balloons tied to Sombra effortlessly begin to lift him into the air. Still unconscious, Sombra’s limp torso rose higher and higher, story by story, until he was nearly at the very top of the wall.

The Frozen North’s icy wind batted Sombra’s mane and tail around, first one way and then the other. He didn’t seem to notice, though; he only kept on snoring.

“But I thought you said he didn’t have any magic left!” Cadence exclaimed, with the same wide-eyed wonder as the rest of the ponies on the wall. Before Sombra even floated a single foot into the air, the archers had already directed their arrows toward him.

Moments later, Sombra rose until they were all equal height… although it would be doubtful he’d ever recall doing so, out-cold and drooling from the mouth.

“Som-som!” Flurry Heart cried joyously, reaching out to her friend. “Som-som!”

Cadence wrapped a hoof around her, holding her back. Then an idea struck her, and she pulled a single balloon out from the mass to give over to Flurry. Instantly, Flurry Heart squeaked and chortled, rubbing the latex rubber material against her chubby cheeks until it popped.

“Som-som?” she whimpered out sadly, clutching to what remained of her blood red Sombra balloon.

Shining was quick to react, nabbing another balloon without pause; he reinforced it with a mid-level shield spell before hoofing it over. As he did, some small print near the bottom of the balloon gave him pause.

“Mystery solved,” he told Cadence dryly. “Still wondering where Sombra’s been getting all his stuff? Surviving out in the wilderness for so long on his own?”

He held up the bottom of the balloon so she could read. “Discord Incorporated?” She looked up with a frown. “Making your nightmares a reality? So Sombra has a sponsor now?”

“Looks like it,” Shining said. “Would explain why those balloons tied to Sombra are somehow floating in midair right now. And don’t appear to be stopping anytime soon.”

As Flurry Heart rubbed her face against her new balloon (slobbering all over it as she did), her parents and all those stationed on the wall could only watch in bewildered awe as Sombra continued upward and away, carried by both balloon and wind and whatever twisted magic Discord had infused upon them.

Sombra soared until the wind high above changed directions, pushing him back toward the snowy forest several dozen meters away. Sombra awoke a solid minute later, peering at the solid ground now far, far below. “Oh, Tartarus, this actually worked?”

A single arrow left the Empire’s wall—loosed by the lone archer with the fear of both clowns and balloons.

It must’ve been quiet the miracle shot, because half of Sombra’s balloons suddenly burst into bits and he was left hurtling toward the ground, screaming as he descended. “Oh, shhhhii—”

Cadence covered Flurry Heart’s ears. “He’s saying sprinkles, sweetie. Just sprinkles.”

Sombra landed with a thud somewhere in the thick of the forest. For a long time, not a single noise could be heard.

“Som-som?” Flurry asked, clearly on the verge of tears.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Cadence tried telling her with a tight smile.

From some unseen location in the woods, Sombra screamed, “My spine! Oh, stupid Celestia, my poor spine! I landed directly on a rock! There were six whole bushes in this field and I got the rock? It’s pointy, too! And there’s someone’s blood all over it! Gross!”

“Well,” Cadence soldiered on, her tight smile weakening, “I’m sure after some much needed rehabilitation, Sombra will be right as rain.”

“My spine! I can actually see my spine! Now I know that can’t be good!”

Again, Shining and Cadence turned to one another.

“Somehow, he’ll still be back tomorrow,” Shining admitted sadly. “Somehow.”

Cadence found she really couldn’t argue on that.

Author's Note

Sombra/Flurry Heart OTP! :heart:

Using Books!

Sombra stared at the snow underhoof for the longest time, his eyelids twitching while his mouth worked away on words that were never spoken aloud. Perhaps he was merely contemplating which new direction to go—which better direction to take this whole silly Empire business.

Meanwhile, Shining Armor stood near the railing atop the wall, pages of budget reports in hoof. They’d really need to start cutting down on Crystal Polish if they had any hope of staying out of the red this quarter.

Finally, Sombra’s head shot up. “Shining! I left something in there! Something important!”

“Did you now?” Shining asked, still staring at his documents. “Some bits of you left over after being torn asunder by love?”

Sombra frowned—hard. So hard, in fact, that his jaw made a sharp clicking noise as he did so. “No, you imbecile, I’m not searching for leftover pieces of myself! As should be obvious to anyone with a working set of eyes, I returned to the living completely hearty and whole!” He spun around and lifted his blanket-slash-cape, revealing his round rump. “You truly believe anything to be missing from this masterwork of perfectly sculpted plot? Hmm? Do you?”

Shining still hadn’t looked away from his reports. He asked a nearby guard, “He’s showing me his butt again, isn’t he?”

The guard gave a nod, before shielding his eyes.

With a long sigh, Shining said to Sombra, “Look, if it means that much to you, tell me what you left behind and I’ll see that it gets returned to you. Okay? That sound fair, Mr. Perfect Plot?”

Sombra’s original enthusiasm wavered. He anxiously tapped two hooves together. “Well… you see… the item I’m searching for is a bit… personal.”

Shining raised a single brow. “So… a personal mane curler of yours? A personal fang sharpener? Help me out here, Sombra. Or are you perhaps referring to that old dusty English dictionary we found in the library that you never bothered opening?”

Sombra angrily stomped a hoof. “That’s a lie! I dog-eared both ‘crystal’ and ‘slave’ in that text! And even the words ‘no’ and ‘yes’ in case I should need them!” He paused, sulking. “It’s not my fault I never got to use ‘yes’ when I could. I was saving it for a special occasion—like when I defeated you all! Would’ve sounded rather silly screaming ‘yes’ at the top of my lungs while being violently ripped apart; I’m not that much of a sadomasochist.”

So how much are you then? Shining thought oddly to himself.

“Just let me in and I’ll search for it myself,” Sombra told him. “Only I know where it is, so only I will be able to find it. Right now, it’s locked up tight inside—”

“That bedroom vault of yours?” Shining finished for him.

Even from such a vast distance away, Shining heard Sombra gulp.

“How did you even get in there?” Sombra snapped. “It was locked! There was a code-spell in place! An impossible to crack code-spell!”

“1-2-3-4-5?” Shining asked him delicately. “You didn’t think we’d try that number combo first?”

“Fine! So be it! There was only one thing in that vault anyways, so hoof it on over before I get nasty!”

“Nasty?” Shining asked. “You mean nastier than standing outside my wall, insulting and yelling at me to let you in? By this point, I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever you can dish.”

At the base of the wall, Sombra grinned, displaying fangs. “Fine. I did warn you, though.” He took a breath to signal the start of the upcoming “nastiness”. “Shining Armor?” he asked.

“Yes?”

“You’re fat and nopony likes you.”

Shining chuckled to himself. “Well, I know that’s not true.”

“Your suit of armor adds ten unflattering pounds to your frame and your white fur makes you look pasty and ill. I’ve seen powdered donuts more masculine than you. Although, I’m sure if we did enough research, we’d discover both of you filled with the exact same amounts of fattening preserves.”

Another guard on the wall nudged the guard next to them. “He kinda does look like a donut, doesn’t he?”

Shining leveled a stern hoof in the guard’s direction. “Fine! Have it your way! From here on out, mid-morning donut break is cancelled! So no more donuts for anyone! Good job, guys! Happy now?”

The guard’s shoulders slumped. “Obviously not.”

On the ground, Shining saw a half-eaten box of donuts and briskly kicked them over the edge of the wall. Wasting no time, Sombra immediately scurried over to the fallen box and started munching on a jam-filled one.

He grinned as he ate. “These are so much better than berries, twigs, and rabbit guts.”

Shining told one of his pegasus guards to retrieve Sombra’s hidden away item to bring back to him, as well as one other object. Three-and-a-half minutes later he returned with a thick, crumbling text; its heavily frayed pages close to coming undone.

Shining held out the book to Sombra. “Is this what you were talking about?”

Sombra’s cheeks flushed red as he stared back at the snow underhoof. “Yes, so why don’t you just stop wasting my time and drop it down, so—”

Thump!

It smacked him square on the head before dropping to the snow. Sombra wasted no time scooping it up, clutching it to his chest.

“Nice diary, by the way,” Shining told him. “I honestly never pictured a radical such as yourself being the writing type. Considering words in general have never been your strong suit.”

Just from the word “diary”, Sombra’s momentary relief disappeared as fast as an arrow loosed from a bow. (Perhaps an arrow aimed directly at Sombra’s heart in order to put him out of his current misery as quickly as possible.)

He asked Shining pitifully, “This is because I called you fat, isn’t it?”

“Afraid not.” Shining dropped the second item he’d gathered onto the snow next to him. Another book; this one clearly professionally made with both a book jacket and table of contents. As well as an artist’s rendition of a snarling King Sombra on it cover.

The title: “The Legacy of King Sombra: Mane Full of Secrets”.

Hurriedly, Sombra laid both books side by side, beginning on the first page of both. They matched. To his absolute horror, they completely matched.

“You printed my diary!?” he roared.

It’s hard to say what would’ve happened at that moment if Sombra had actually managed to hold on to any of his former magic after returning. More than likely, there would’ve been a giant hoof-shaped hole right through Shining Armor’s protective wall—as well as a matching hoof-shaped hole through Shining’s chest.

“We printed it years ago,” Shining explained gently. “You were dead! Or thought dead. And at the time, the Crystal Empire was in desperate need of bits! So some guards happened upon your book and one thing led to another and yadda-yadda-yadda… Equestria wide bestseller!”

“Equestria wide?” Sombra appeared on the verge of fainting. “So everyone read it?”

Shining nodded. “Yep. Even made it to number three on Celestia’s end-of-the-year book reviews. Four gold hooves out of five.”

Sombra frowned, making that jaw cracking sound again. “That’s it? Four out of five? That was my life on display, you bastard! Right up until that horrible moment I was sitting alone in my bunker waiting for the Princesses to arrive and discover just what I had done.”

Clearly invested again, Shining propped his head on a hoof. “So now that you know about the book, who was Star Chaser exactly? You mentioned him a lot in that book of yours, but never how things ended between you two. I remember he was about to be guillotined when you took pity on him, and told everyone in earshot that he’d instead receive ‘your own brand’ of swift punishment. But then you wrote that the morning afterward, you had breakfast with him. Then lunch. Then fondue. Then cheese and crackers and wine. Odd type of punishment, I must admit. Or did the punishment come before breakfast?”

Down in the snow, Sombra’s face got so red and overheated Celestia could’ve raised him into the sky like any normal morning and no one would’ve thought twice. Until they all got horrifically Sombra-burnt later in the afternoon.

Sombra only spoke in short, angry bursts. “SHUT. FACE. NOW. NO. MORE. WORDS. FROM. YOUR. FACE. I. HATE. YOUR. FACE. SHINING. DO. NOT. MENTION. STAR. CHASER. IN. FRONT. OF. ME. YOU. ARE. STILL. FAT. EVERYONE. EXPERIMENTS. IN. THEIR. YOUTH. I. HATE. YOU. SHINING. ARMOR. GO. EAT. ANOTHER. DONUT. MAKE. SURE. YOU. CHOKE. ON. IT. THIS. TIME.”

Shining waited a moment, making sure that he had finally run out of words. “Feel better now?”

“No.”

“Would it help if ponies actually thought better of you after reading your book?”

“No. What would help is if you’d just open that blasted gate of yours already and let me in.”

Tiredly, Shining shook his head. “Not going to happen, Sombra. Sorry. Instead of trying to trick us into letting you in, why not actually try doing something good? Help ponies. Become a true friend to Equestria!”

Sombra gave him a loose grin. “As truly tempting as that sounds—helping with bake sales and hoedowns and the like—I think I’d rather do the smart thing here.”

“And what’s that?”

“Suing you,” Sombra told him evenly. “I’m going to sue you. And I’d imagine by this point, you’d owe me quite a bit in royalties on all those bestsellers of mine. Better lawyer up, Shining.”

Shining balked. “And who would ever represent someone like you?”

“Discord.”

Fudge, Shining thought, although another—much nastier—word came to mind next.

Author's Note

Using Lawyers!

From the outside, Discord’s business offices appeared about as small as a cramped closet; yet once inside, it expanded four-hundred times in size. Three entire floors had been dedicated to Discord’s various business ventures—each floor with their own receptionist desk, cafeteria, break room, and scarcely furnished waiting area. So far, Sombra had sat in all three of these waiting areas, doing exactly what the title would suggest.

Waiting.

He absently flicked at a magazine with a thin mare on its cover, an untouched cup of liquid by his side.

The receptionist stopped typing at her typewriter for a moment. “Enjoying your lukewarm cup of water? Care for any salt to go with it?”

Sombra only glared. The receptionist on the third floor was played by Discord, clad in a white pearl necklace, bushy yellow wig, and polka dot dress that made Sombra feel funny in a weird sort of way. From the very first second he’d stepped through the front doors of Discord Incorporated, Sombra had interacted with several types of Discords: receptionists, security personnel, floor managers, janitors, lunch ladies, you name it.

But sadly not the official draconequus himself.

“How much longer will Discord be?” Sombra asked.

The receptionist chewed on the tip of a pencil. “Hmm. Hard to say. He’s had quite the glut of busy meetings this morning—important clients, you know. You ever played with a yoyo before? Earlier today, he had brunch with the pony who invented it. What a bastard that pony is. My sister almost choked on one of those infernal things. I hope he trips in the shower and gets shampoo in his eyes.”

The reception began busily filing her nails. Correction: his claws.

Sighing, Sombra threw his magazine down. “How can you not know when Discord will be in? You are Discord! You’re all Discord!”

She waved a sharp claw at him. “Nuh-uh, Mr. Grumpy Pants. I’m Discord’s receptionist. I only handle his scheduling and mailing concerns. Thankfully, he takes care of all the tricky stuff and leaves the easy stuff to me to tend to.”

“Then what’s your name?” Sombra asked her sharply.

“Excuse me?”

“If you’re not Discord, then what’s your name?”

The receptionist hesitated for a moment. “Well, obviously, it’s… Dis… cord… elia. Discordelia!” She smirked at him greasily. “See, Mr. Smarty Pants? I’m not Discord.”

“And neither am I, buddy,” said—yet another—Discord donning a dark mustache and blue overalls, hauling a bucket and mop around the room. He had a bizarre accent Sombra couldn’t quiet place. “I’m Carloscord. And I sure do like to mop up around here!”

With that said, “Carloscord” did exactly that, mopping under the waiting area’s table and chairs with horrifyingly messy results. While he worked (whistling tunelessly as he did), Sombra crossed his forelegs and fumed. Perhaps consulting with Discord had been a bad idea. Thousands of personalized balloons were one thing, but highly sophisticated legal practicing? Maybe it was all too much to hope for.

Sombra made it one step toward the exit when the door to Discord’s office opened.

“Mr. K. Sombra?” a black suit and tie dressed Discord asked, viewing over his half-moon spectacles. Finally, the real Discord in the building. “Is there a Mr. K. Sombra here?”

Sombra glanced to the left and to the right. He was the only non-Discord entity in the entire building. And just about to leave all these Discords behind, too, he thought sarcastically.

“Planning on leaving us so soon, Sombra?” the real Discord asked.

Sombra raised a brow. “Did you just read my mind?”

Discord giggled brightly. “Of course not! Why would I want to be in that dirty old mind of yours?” He motioned to his office. “Come. Sit. Let’s chat. Has Discordelia offered you any lukewarm water? We have scolding hot, too.”

“Anything cold?”

“Ha! You’re funny. I like that.” Discord gave him a reassuring pat on the back then shoved him inside his office.

***

“So they stole your diary and released it as a bestselling book?”

Sombra nodded. “They thought I was dead. They thought they could get away with it.”

Behind his opulent desk (and it truly was opulent—being as wide as his office walls would allow and covered from front to back with every miscellaneous workspace object known to ponykind), Discord pulled on his beard as he pondered. He leaned back in his chair, plopping his feet onto the desk. Unlike his business-like suit and tie, he had on pink sandals.

“So they would owe you some serious money, wouldn’t they?” Discord asked, as his eyes expanded greedily. “A lot of money.”

Again, Sombra nodded. “Most likely, but I really don’t know much about the law or how to get them to hoof it over. Think I could ask for the Crystal Empire instead of outright suing them?”

“Hmm. You could. I’m sure you could,” Discord replied evenly. “But, regretfully, I’m almost positive the Crystal Empire is worth far more than whatever earnings they took from you by informing the whole world about your and Star Chaser’s numerous countryside holidays.”

Seated in a stiff visitor’s chair, Sombra’s shoulders slumped. “You read the book, I take it.”

Discord grinned. “Twice, in fact. Made a good read to have while on the toilet; a good ‘what-not-to-do’ tale.” He stood and began pacing behind his desk. “And if there’s one thing I like best, it’s doing a job well done. And if there’s two things I like best, it’s doing a good job while being able to screw ponies around.”

Sombra stared at him deadpan.

“Eh-heh-heh-heh,” Discord chuckled out dryly, clearing his throat. “But not you, of course, Sombra. I mean Shining Armor and Cadence and whoever else! Like that obnoxious baby of theirs Fuzzy Tart.”

“Flurry Heart,” Sombra corrected.

Discord waved a hand. “Whatever. Just be assured that as my company’s second official client—”

“Second?” Sombra spat. “That’s it? Two clients? I thought you were a professional!”

Discord gave him a toothy sneer. “But of course we’re professional here! Why, professional’s my middle name!” Under his breath, he added, “Actually, it’s Eugene, but I digress. Want to meet that first satisfied client of ours?”

Angrily, Sombra scrunched up his face. “If it’s another you, I’m leaving.”

Just then another Discord opened the door to the room (about to announce that he was indeed a satisfied customer, most likely), before the real Discord snapped his fingers together and slammed the door on him. The outline of his face had been indented into the wood.

“Is everything a joke to you?” Sombra asked him.

“Not ponies with type two diabetes. That stuff’s serious, bro.”

Sombra sighed. “So if I can’t get my Empire back, then what’s even the point of all this?”

“For money, of course,” Discord said as if addressing a child. “Okay, sure, you won’t get the entire Empire outta this, but you can damn well weaken them! Think they’re making a lot of bits owning that place? I mean, who comes to spend the weekend at the good ol’ Crystal Empire? Cold and miserable weather all year round? Check. Chance of crying-baby-induced-storms? Check. Complete lack of available skiing or snowboarding parks? Check. Abnormal amounts of yellow snow? Check-check-check!”

“Please stop insulting my Empire.”

“Then stop insulting my business practices!” Discord cried, lacing his hands behind his back. “We have a motto here at Discord Incorporated. A rather spirited one, actually: Discord Incorporated Completely Kills!”

Sombra grimaced. “DICK?”

Discord shook his head and held a hand out. “Oh, no thanks. I already have one, actually.”

“That’s not what I—” Sombra began, before he was rudely interrupted.

“Let’s have Ms. Discordelia tell you our company’s second motto.” Discord pressed a fat button on his intercom. “Discordelia? You there, hun? What’s our company’s second motto?”

“Umm…” squeaked the static-filled box. “Discord Incorporated: where we Punish Equine Nincompoops Into the Stratosphere!”

“PENIS?” Sombra basically screamed before he realized what he was saying.

Like a disappointed father, Discord shook his head at him. “My, oh my, Sombra. Just what has gotten into you? All these vulgar words out of nowhere. Do I need to call for security to escort you out?” He playfully picked up a thick rotary phone. “Because I will. Don’t think that I won’t! You’ve seen how much I love playing dress-up.”

The door to the office rushed inward and another Discord stuck his head in, dressed in a blue and black cop’s outfit complete with shiny gold badge. “Sir? I heard some commotion a minute ago. Is everything okay in here?”

“Yes, yes, everything is perfectly fine,” the Discord behind the desk replied. “Our client here was just having trouble understanding our company’s many amazing mottos. Either that or he was simply coming onto me. Hard to resist, I know.”

The Discord security guard appeared gob-smacked. “Disliking our mottos, sir? As if! What’s so wrong about a company that thrives on Chaotic Occurrences Culminating in Knee-Slapping Silliness?”

Both Discords fixed their eyes squarely on Sombra. In return, Sombra merely kept his trap shut until the Discord in the doorway strolled away. Then he cut to the chase.

“So will you help me out or not?”

Onto his desk, Discord slapped down a thick stack of forms. “Certainly! Just sign your name on the dotted line and we’ll get started.”

Sombra leaned over the documents. “Shouldn’t I read these over first?”

Again, Discord regarded him as if he were an annoying kid. “Don’t you know reading contracts before signing them is bad luck?” And if that wasn’t enough, he went on to add, “Hey, bud. Don’t you want to take that pesky Shining Armor down a peg? Don’t you want to get back to that glorious Empire of yours? And, hey, did you know that Princess Cadence said you looked pretty darn fit the other day?”

“She did!?” Sombra spat, before signing the contract as fast as his cumbersome hooves would allow.

After it was signed and officially officiated, Discord’s large contract disappeared in a puff of white smoke. Sombra patiently waited for whatever came next, clapping his hooves together expectantly. What came next ended up being laughter. A whole lot of it.

Right in front of him, Discord guffawed and chortled until rivers of tears rolled down his face. He laughed so much, in fact, that he had to clear his desk off in order to lay overtop it while clutching at his non-existent belly. Eventually, he got a cramp in his side and had to stop.

Sombra asked him miserably, “You screwed me over, didn’t you?”

Discord sat up on his desk and wiped away a few more tears. “Yes, Sombra, I’m afraid I did. Although, if you really wanted to know just how badly I screwed you over, I could always go get that spare barrel of mine out of storage to lay you overtop of. Want me to go grab it, friend-o?”

Sombra didn’t think long on that. He politely declined.

Author's Note

So an interesting thing happened while writing the chapter before this one. Namely: the ending to the story came out of nowhere and without warning.

Honestly, the only thoughts I had going in were, "Sombra has a diary. That's amusing enough." Then I thought, "Maybe Shining published it. Maybe it did well." Then I thought, "So why wouldn't Sombra sue the pants of them?"

:twilightoops: Wait. Did I just end my own story prematurely?

Needless to say, I had to screw over Sombra immediately afterward without mercy. Only for the benefit of the story, I promise!

Using Money!

Shining Armor sighed miserably the moment he entered the guards’ barracks and found it in the same state as the rest of the castle: empty, vacant, devoid of anyone. He glanced at a few discarded bits of armor and gear before grabbing a large flyer up off the ground.

After hardly glancing at it, he threw it in the trash. By that point in time, he’d seen enough of those flyers left scattered around the Empire to know exactly what each one said.

Shining’s stomach rumbled, so he turned his attention toward the castle’s mess hall. As if his day were somehow stuck on loop, he found not a single soul inside the kitchen area to fix him his lunch.

He stomped a hoof like a child. “That’s it! Damn it all to Tartarus! Taking all my guards is one thing, but my kitchen staff, too?”

His stomach rumbled again.

“And I don’t even know where the food is around here!”

***

“Give me back my guards, Sombra!” was the first thing out of Shining’s muzzle the moment Sombra appeared at the top of his mammoth green-and-purple brick wall. “And my kitchen staff, too! And my Compliment Giver! I haven’t had my morning compliment and it’s starting to hurt!”

Sombra raised a single brow. Atop his head was a thin golden crown—much less metallic and sharp than his last one. The letters “A.K.” had been glued to its front in small sparkling gemstones. “Pray tell, Shining. What’s a Compliment Giver?”

Just then, a stallion that happened to be strolling behind Sombra up on the wall suddenly stopped and waved a hoof at Shining. “Captain Armor! Did you find a flyer as well? I just knew you’d come eventually!” He nudged Sombra good-naturedly in the side. “Nothing gets past that pony, am I right? Not with majestic hair like that! And those dark, piercing eyes that you just want to drown in? And don’t get me started on those fabulous assets of his.”

“Okay, I get it. You’re a professional asset kisser.” Sombra poked his nose into the pony’s chest until he moved away from him.

“Why’d you even create this place?” Shining questioned most disgustedly. “And please tell me you didn’t spend all of that money you stole from us on this eyesore.”

The place in question, you ask? An amusement park known as “Adventure Land” roughly two-thirds the size of the Crystal Empire. Surrounding it was a colorful brick border, along with a moat and a bridge: the moat filled entirely with chocolate milk.

“Adventure Land” had appeared whole and complete overnight, no doubt with the help of Discord and some goading. The moment it was made, loud techno music began emitting from it, as did periodical announcements from Sombra himself—or “Adventure King” as he’d come to call himself; most announcements amounting to little more than “Is this thing on?” or “Does this make my voice sound weird?” Only a single time had he actually announced something productive, ordering vomit cleanup in the park’s “Chaos Canyon” district.

Even from a good mile away, the park seemed to have it all. Roller coasters, Ferris wheels, bumper cars, bumper boats, bumper planes (for pegasi only); haunted mansions and haunted outhouses; train rides that traveled through western-styled towns; simulated rocket trips to far away planets; picture booths with assorted costumes to wear (Princess and other well-known characters included); and even a ride in a corner of the park called “The Ride to End All Rides” that took place in a building not much larger than a broom closet. Only one pony had gone inside and had come out not ten seconds later—their head lowered and shoulders slumped.

It had indeed been the “Ride to End All Rides” in terms of fun and excitement. The only downside was that nothing could ever even come close to matching that same level of awesomeness… so life just became empty and meaningless afterwards.

The lineup outside the ride quickly dispersed.

Several days following the park’s arrival, “Adventure Land” remained as a ghost town; rides and loud music operating continually without a single pony inside. The guards working the surrounding Empire wall could do next to nothing to block out the sights and sounds sent their way as they busily patrolled. To them it looked fun. Actually, it looked positively awesome. Actually, compared to their mundane twelve-hours-a-day, six-days-a-week guard duty… it basically looked like the greatest thing in the world.

And once the flyers for the park started mysteriously appearing around town, there was little hope they’d continue to man their posts for much longer.

“Thankfully, Shining,” Sombra purred as he leaned over the railing forty feet up, “I only ended up spending fifteen of the sixty million bits the judge ordered you to hoof over to me because of that terrible book you published. What were you screaming at me again after the verdict was read? When all those ponies had to drag you out of the courtroom by the tail?”

“That you were taking away half of our bits,” Shining barked. “Half of the Empire’s entire treasury!”

“Then you should be positively elated I got such a good deal on the place!” Sombra exclaimed. “Truth be told, ten of that fifteen million went directly to Discord’s lawyer services and the other five went to stocking this place with food and some staff. Discord did all the labor for free, actually, just so long as he got a lifetime park pass and could cut any line that he so chose.” He chuckled. “Discord’s been riding the Never-Ending Exposition Coaster ever since it opened. That ride just won’t shut up!”

Speaking of longwinded exposition, Shining thought it best not to chat-up the former tyrant for much longer. He’d learned from experience that Sombra really had nothing better to do than blab.

Shining leveled a hoof at him. “Give me back my guards and staff right this instant!”

Sombra smiled as wide as a foal plotting murder. “And why would I do that? Your guards came here of their own volition, did they not? I didn’t kidnap them or anything. Why go and ruin their good time, Shining? Why do you keep trying to make me the bad guy here?”

As if on cue, a small orange filly leapt onto Sombra’s back with her forelegs held high. On her head was a plastic “Adventure Land” crown, and smeared across her muzzle was what looked like some leftover white funnel cake. “I love you, Adventure King!”

Sombra pleasantly patted the child on the head before giving her back to her parents. Then—with an even larger grin than before—he looked back down at Shining.

Shining scowled. “You totally had that planned.”

Shrugging, Sombra admitted, “Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe kids just like free funnel cake and unlimited rides. Who knows?”

The sight of the leftover icing sugar made Shining’s stomach rumble again.

“Hungry, are we?” Sombra asked. “There’s lot of good food inside here, Shining. Like corndogs and pizza and hay fries with gravy and ice cream sundaes with hot fudge and snow cones and—”

“I’d rather starve than eat any of your food!” Shining announced sternly. He winced as his belly sounded off again. “There’s still plenty of extra gruel left inside the Empire!”

If that statement sounded somewhat dumb to Shining, it must’ve sounded even worse to Sombra. Even more embarrassingly was the fact that Shining actually had no idea where any food—including gruel—was kept inside the castle.

Perched on his wall, Sombra took a warm corndog from a passing pony vendor to nibble on. “I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to, Shining. But just know that you’re always welcome inside my park. I won’t even check your I.D. or enforce the minimum height requirement for some of the bigger rides.” He snickered. “Shorty.”

By that point, hunger and annoyance had clearly taken its toll on Shining. Sombra had maybe… what? An inch on him? More than likely due to what remained of his horn?

Down in the snow, Shining’s eyelids and mouth started to twitch, as did his hooves. The next moment, he felt a swell of emotions rush inside of him, like some tornado attempting to twirl its way up his throat.

Shining had been in combat before; numerous times, in fact. But in combat the rules remained simple. You and your opponent clanked swords together until someone fell or admitted defeat. It was all very black and white; Shining had always admired its simplicity.

But now?

Shining had no idea how to describe this type of lunacy he was being forced to deal with. Sombra’s motivations seemed to change on a daily basis; his tactics and plans never staying put. What was worst of all was that Sombra was hardly acting like a villain anymore. At least back in the day when you slugged a respectable villain in the snout, ponies would rarely ask why.

Because they already knew why. They were up to no good!

But could Shining still slug Sombra in the snout and come away clean? Punch him square in the jaw for building an amusement park for all his guards and staff to enjoy? For offering him tasty food when he was hungry? For getting along with his infant daughter so oddly well?

Shining could imagine the disgruntled letter he’d eventually write his sister:

“Dear Twily,

“Think you could take care of that pesky Sombra again for me? You see, he’s sort of made this amusement park next to the Empire that everyone really likes except me, but I don’t care because I KNOW he’s still up to no good. Please stop laughing, Twilight. PLEASE stop laughing. This is serious. I GUARANTEE Sombra’s park doesn’t have nearly enough designated fire exits or maintenance workers. How soon do you think you could check out this place’s many health code violations? How’s tomorrow sound?”

With all this in mind, Shining angled his head upward and roared. Loud. Long. Slightly effeminate and with a few voice cracks around the end. Regardless of all that, it still felt good to let loose. Even if it technically didn’t solve a single one of his current problems.

“Shining?” asked a familiar voice from the railing above. “Oh, good. You made it. Come inside and hold Flurry Heart for a bit.”

Shining glanced back up. Standing next to Sombra was both Shining’s wife and his child. Around Cadence’s torso was a white-and-purple “Adventure Land” t-shirt. Flurry Heart, meanwhile, clutched tight to her stuffed “Adventure King” Sombra toy. She chewed happily on one of its pointed ears.

“Oh, come on!” Shining muttered more to himself than anyone else. “I thought we were working as a team here, Cadence!”

Cadence readjusted Flurry atop her back. “We are, hun! But there was a park special today. As long as nothing sold out, kids under three got any toy they wanted.”

Again, Sombra’s lips curled upward into a toothy sneer. “Little Flurry Heart here went right for the Sombra dolls. Ignored the bin of Shining Armors, Raritys, and Vinyl Scratches completely. We keep our toys organized by color, you see.”

Shining grimaced. “You made a doll out of me? Isn’t that a bit weird? Even for you?”

Sombra rolled his eyes. “Only if you talk to them like they’re real and bring them to bed with you… but, anyways! It’s clear you don’t like my amusement park, Shining. It’s clear you want it gone, and you also want your guards and family back. So here’s what I propose!”

“We let you back inside the Empire,” Shining finished for him instinctively.

“You let me back inside—” Sombra stopped himself and frowned. “Couldn’t even let me finish?”

Shining shook his head. “Not when the answer’s still ‘no.’ And will remain as such until the day you die. For the second and hopefully last time.”

“Such harsh words,” Sombra said, staring in the direction of his old Empire. “Such mean, nasty words after all I’ve done for you. Your guards and staff. Your wife and child, too. But with all of them busy here, who does that leave protecting the Empire? Hmm? Joke's on you, Prince of Fools! Welcome to the trap!”

With that random statement out, Sombra quickly dove over the edge of the wall, cackling as he dropped. Halfway down, his laughter stopped and was replaced with a shriek. He bounced a single time once he smacked into the hard-packed snow.

Shining walked the few paces over to him. “You were about to run inside the Empire and lock the rest of us out, weren’t you?”

“Yes…” Sombra wheezed out like the pancake-pony he currently resembled.

“But you forgot you can’t turn into smoke anymore, didn’t you? Because you broke your horn?”

“Maybe…”

“That looked like it hurt.”

“It really did…”

Up on the wall, Flurry Heart busily began squishing her Sombra toy to better match the real Sombra’s current appearance. Then she stuck its ear in her mouth again.

Shining gave his growling belly a pat. “Maybe now’s actually a good time to grab one of those corndogs you’d mentioned earlier. Want a snow cone to hold against your face while I go get one?”

Sombra eventually whispered into the snow, “That would be nice, actually…”

Author's Note

So there'll probably be at least another few chapters about Sombra using his money to get back inside his Empire. A rich idiot just sounds like fun.

Sorry about the delay. Over Christmas, I got exactly what I wanted! A fucking nasty cold! :pinkiesick:

All better now, though. :pinkiesmile:

Using Movies!

Sighing tiredly, Shining Armor glanced over the railing on the Crystal Empire’s wall. “We’re still doing this? Really?”

Below in the snow, King Sombra glanced around as if Shining had been speaking to someone else and not him. “I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t we still be doing this?”

“Because you haven’t shown you face around this place for weeks now and I was starting to—”

“Get worried about me?” Sombra finished with a toothy sneer.

Shining shook his head. “No, just the opposite of that. I was hoping you’d finally died.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.”

“No need to apologize. I assume by this point in time, disappointing others comes naturally to you.”

“Naturally?” Sombra said back snidely. “Like how you naturally let all the mares in your life do all the dangerous stuff? Who was that last villain you helped vanquish again? Wasn’t his name ‘Dust Bunnies’ and he lived underneath the couch?”

Princess Cadence strolled toward Shining up on the wall. She snorted and rolled her big eyes. “Why don’t you two just break the tension already and kiss?”

Shining spun to her. “What? Why would I ever do something like that?”

“Because you two keep on bantering to each other like some old married couple.”

Shining blanched. “We do not sound like that!” Then he paused, glancing down at Sombra again. “Do we sound like that?”

Sombra shrugged. “A little. But if the only way I get back inside my Empire ends up with first getting inside both of you, then I’d still consider that a win. I’ve done more for less.” He sniffed at some part on his fur, which must not have smelled all that bad because he went on to ask, “So your place or mine? I’d suggest yours because I sleep in the woods.”

Shining rubbed at his temples. “Obviously, you’ve come here for a reason, Sombra. So out with it already so I can tell you to go away.”

Sombra smiled gamely. “Fine. Here goes. What if I told you I—”

“Not interested! Bye!” Shining wasted no time turning around and storming away… until Cadence halted him with her aura, dragging him back.

She softly caressed his cheek with a hoof. “Oh, at least hear what he has to say, Shining. He came all the way out here just to speak with you. And who knows? Maybe it won’t be nearly as stupid as the last dozen or so occasions have been.”

Glumly, Shining faced Sombra again, speaking as monotone as he could. “Please continue, Sombra, because I just can’t wait to hear what you have to say. We should totally hang out sometime. Come join my bowling team, why not? Maybe when you have a ‘spare’ evening. I’m sure you and I will ‘strike’ up a friendship in no time. We’ll totally have a ‘ball’ together. A ‘bowling ball’, that is.”

Sombra narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously. “You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?”

“Of course I’m being sarcastic!” Shining growled out.

Sombra ignored that last bit and pressed on with his original spiel. “What if I told you, Shining, that at this very moment, I had a pair of tickets to a rather special movie screening this afternoon?”

“I’d tell you to eat them and pray for internal paper cuts. Then I’d tell you that there’s not even a movie theatre within a hundred miles of here.”

Sombra raised a mischievous brow. “There’s not? Then what’s that over there?”

Shining followed where Sombra had looked, and felt the bottom of his jaw hit his chest.

It was clear that Sombra had been a rather busy pony over the last couple of weeks. Less than ten meters away from Sombra’s Adventure Land amusement park now stood a lavish movie theater, complete with shimmering spotlights and framed movie posters. A line had already formed on the rich red carpet outside, held in order by a pair of security guards.

Shining painfully clicked his teeth together. “Stop building stuff, damn it!”

“Why would I do that, Shining?” Sombra asked him. “You don’t own the land outside the Empire. And I do have a lot of money to burn. Or should I say…" He paused for dramatic effect. “A lot of your money to burn?”

Shining’s shoulders slumped. “Somebody kill him, please.”

“But, sir,” one of the nearby guards responded, “Sombra hasn’t done anything yet. Technically, asking ponies to go to movies with them isn’t against the law here.”

“What about self-defense? Can we all just agree that he attacked me first and had a knife?”

“He’s at the bottom of a fifty foot wall, Shining,” Cadence said coldly. “How’s Sombra supposed to attack you from down there without any magic? With his words?”

Shining turned to her tiredly. “Every time he speaks, I feel my brain begin to dissolve inside my head. You really want a husband that walks around with no brain in his head, Cadence?”

She gave him a playful smirk. “But the rest of your body is okay, right? The lower part, at least? I think I could work with that.”

“Hey, white boy!” Sombra exclaimed from the snow, gathering Shining’s attention again. “Does the name Chuck Thunderdunk mean anything to you?”

At once, Shining’s eyes shot open, but instead of looking to Sombra, he instead viewed his wife with an unblinking stare. “You’ve been talking to Sombra?”

“Well… I… you see…” Absently, Cadence played with some of her mane.

That was when another revelation struck Shining. “Is Sombra who you’ve been out walking with? Him? And with Flurry Heart no less? Sombra’s a monster, Cadence! He could’ve…” He stopped to think up something good. “Why, he could’ve eaten Flurry Heart for all you could’ve known!”

“Seriously? So Sombra’s a cannibal now?” Cadence furrowed her brows. “First off: I was with Flurry the entire time. If Sombra had done anything, I would’ve blasted him without hesitation. Secondly: Sombra isn’t that bad anymore. Without any dark magic in him, he’s sort of just… eccentric, let’s say. And Flurry Heart loves him to bits for some reason. She even rode on his back for a bit while she played with his hair.”

“She… did… what—” Shining began, before Cadence stuffed a hoof inside his mouth.

She continued, “We walk and talk sometimes, but it’s not a big deal. Sombra knows a lot about running Empires—both bad and good, obviously—but he still knows a lot about politics and governing.”

Shining roughly spat out her hoof. “Was it your idea to build that movie theater?”

She glanced away. “I might’ve mentioned how much ponies in the Crystal Empire enjoyed watching films from time to time. Only casually, though. I had no idea he’d go and build one just because of a short conversation!”

“And Chuck Thunderdunk?” Shining snidely asked. “If he mentioned that name, it means you were talking about me.”

Cadence continued averting his stare. “Well, of course a wife’s going to talk about her husband here and there. That comes naturally, Shining. And once we started talking about films and all that, I told Sombra how much you liked all those cheesy Chuck Thunderdunk action films. And, oddly enough, he seemed interested. He even said he’d love to see your toy collection sometime.”

“No!” Shining bluntly blurted. “No one’s allowed inside there! That’s my room!”

“Your toy room.”

Shining huffed. “My collection room, Cadence! You know how much some of that stuff’s gonna be worth in a decade or two?”

She raised a thin brow. “Chuck Thunderdunk playing cards? Chuck Thunderdunk coffee mugs? Chuck Thunderdunk: The Board Game where only one player gets to be Thunderdunk and the rest of the players automatically lose simply because they’re not him?”

“Of course the others wouldn’t win! Nobody beats Chuck Thunderdunk!”

Shining lowered his voice as his cheeks burned red. His expansive collection of Thunderdunk memorabilia wasn’t all that well known. Or all that well received, now that he thought on it.

“Is someone talking about Chuck Thunderdunk up there?” Sombra called.

“No one cares, Sombra!” Shining yelled.

“Oh?” A devilish grin ate up Sombra’s muzzle. “What if I told you that my movie theater was currently holding a Chuck Thunderdunk marathon? Every last one of his films.”

“Why would I care? I’ve seen them all dozens of times by now.”

“Even the new one?”

Shining’s left ear twitched. Then his right eyelid. “New one?”

Sombra nodded, his smile only growing. “Yep. Financed it myself and had it shot over the last few weeks. Just finished editing it this morning. Perhaps interested in watching them all with me, Shining?”

Up on the wall, Shining had already begun galloping toward the stairs leading downward when an invisible “hook” painfully curled around his insides. Reluctantly, he faced Sombra again. “So what’s the catch? You get back inside my Empire if I get to watch the new film?”

Sombra almost looked pained by that. “Since when was a movie date between two fully grown stallions seen as queer?” He stopped himself to think on that. “Queer as in strange, Shining.”

“I knew that!” Shining said. “But I still don’t believe you!”

“Then perhaps I’m merely trying to befriend you,” Sombra told him earnestly. “Befriend you hard. I’ve already befriended Cadence, in a way, and that cute baby of yours, no doubt, so maybe you’re just next in line. You should know a lot about friendship. Your own sister drives the official friend-ship, does she not?”

For once, Shining was at a loss for words. As much as he wanted nothing more than to protect his Empire and citizens while repeatedly punching Sombra in the face… he also really wanted to watch the new Chuck Thunderdunk film. He also had a terrible feeling that if he turned Sombra down now, he’d only come to regret it: the fact that Sombra had the only copy around; the fact that everyone in Equestria had seen it but not him; the spoilers and the spoilers and the even more spoilers that would spread and spread and spread outside of his control!

Then it clicked.

How could Sombra try getting back inside the Empire if he’s too busy watching movies with me? Shining thought. If he tried anything, I’d be right there beside him!

Shining smirked and glanced down again.

“So what time should I pick you up?”

***

Sombra’s medium-sized theater had four separate screening rooms, all connected by a lobby and snack area. After Shining and Sombra had picked out some snacks (all free of charge, of course), they pushed through the mingling crowd and into the only theater roped off from the public.

Shining nearly spilled his soda once inside.

“Only two seats?” he asked curiously.

At the very center of the room were two seats and two seats only. This didn’t seem to faze Sombra much, though, as he merely chuckled.

“It’s my theater, so why wouldn’t I have a room all to myself?” Sombra took a seat and patted the only one next to it. “I hate it when ponies talk during movies, don’t you? Munch popcorn too loud.”

A moment of unease. A shiver up Shining’s spine.

Then the overhead lights dimmed and music started to play. It was a tune Shining knew all too well (the main theme to the very first Chuck Thunderdunk adventure based off the popular novel series), and just like that his worries were swept aside by pure childish nostalgia.

As he took his seat, Shining began blabbing like an excited colt. “Did you know that the first three Thunderdunk books have never been made into films? Everyone thought they were too violent. I never thought that, though. A pegasus ripped straight from the Wonderbolts, forced to do secret missions on the Princess of Equestria’s behalf? How else do they expect him to defeat Lord Half-Burnt Half-Perfect Face unless he’s able to punch him in his half-burnt half-perfect face? Tea and talk?”

As Shining snorted to himself, Sombra nodded politely; his smirk from before seemed to be making a strong return.

The movie’s opening credits rolled on. As did Shining.

“During the fourth movie, when the actor that plays Thunderdunk is supposed to leap out of a building right before it explodes, he accidentally snagged his trademark jeans jacket on a nail and almost didn’t make it out in time. That’s why the tips of his wings look so blackened around the tips. Because they really did get burnt! Talk about devoted to your character, eh?”

He shook his head in bewilderment, lowering his horn to his popcorn.

“I think I’d just die if they ever tried replacing him someday. I mean—” Shining grimaced. “Why can’t I use my horn? I can’t pick up any popcorn with it.”

“My theater has a no magic spell in place,” Sombra told him matter-of-factly. “A dozen brightly lit horns in the middle of a pitch-black theater? Rather distracting if you ask me.”

Another moment of pause. Another shiver up Shining’s spine.

“I guess that makes sense.”

Shining shrugged and stuck his face inside his popcorn bag to eat. His head shot back up the moment the opening credits ceased and film truly began.

He leaned over to Sombra, not taking his eyes off the screen. “This whole opening sequence is brilliant. The way they keep Chuck Thunderdunk’s first official appearance a secret for a whole three minutes, it’s awesome! He’s like this mysterious shadow the whole time; a silhouette with a theme song. Then when he finally enters the Princess’s office to get his first assignment and throws his hat on the coat rack next to the secretary’s desk and—”

Shining gasped and stopped talking. And breathing, too. Some of his popcorn had gotten wedged down his throat. For good reason.

“Why are YOU on the screen!?” he shrieked, once he spat his well-chewed popcorn on the floor. “How is that even possible?”

Sombra, meanwhile, kept the same candor expression as before. “Did I not mention any of the changes to you?”

“What… changes?” Shining growled, his eyes darting between the Sombra on the screen and the Sombra sat next to him.

In the film, Sombra had clearly taken on the rather large role of Chuck Thunderdunk, repeating all of his lines and dressed in his trademark jeans jacket. The only problem? Sombra was by no means a professional actor and was as flat and as awkward as a pancake in a room full of waffles. For instance, when he entered the secretary’s room, he missed the coat rack with his hat, only to trip on it later.

“Over the last few weeks,” Sombra evenly explained, “I spent a good portion of my millions of bits creating new ‘Special Edition’ versions of all the Chuck Thunderdunk films. In simpler terms: I removed the actor that once portrayed Thunderdunk and became the new Thunderdunk. In all of his films.”

“But why? Just why!?” Shining’s soda and popcorn had been tossed across the room long ago. “That’s such a waste of money! And who in their right mind would want to watch you in a movie they’ve already seen?”

“Everyone, clearly,” Sombra said, smiling to himself as his screen version fell in a water fountain accidentally, “especially when they have no choice in the matter. Oh, before we continue, I really should clap my hooves together twice.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because they do this when I do!”

So Sombra did just that, clapping his hooves together twice. From underneath Shining’s seat sprang out more than two dozen ropes and belts that looped around him and tightened. Now Shining could hardly budge an inch… or even open his mouth to complain.

“Mmmhhhmmhh! Mhhmmssmhg!”

“What’s that, Shining? You say you’re quite enjoying our time together?” Sombra got closer to him and snickered. “Look on the bright side! You still get to watch all those Chuck Thunderdunk flicks you like! And with two of me at the same time!”

Up on the screen, Thunderdunk (aka Sombra) barged into a room and yelled “You’re tearing me apart, Celestia!” During the short scene, he looked straight into the camera and then to his mark on the floor.

“Can you believe that part took five hours to film?” Sombra asked the teary-eyed Shining. “But not nearly as bad as all those sex scenes I added in during post. I thought they helped ‘fill out’ my character. Hey! Speaking of unnecessary sex scenes, here comes one of them now! Hmm. Now how will my character ever get away from all those villainous, angry mares? And why is one of them pulling off my jeans jacket?”

Shining instinctively shut his eyes.

“Wow! My butt looks huge on this screen! So detailed, too!”

One hundred and twelve badly acted minutes later, the film finally came to a close. As the end credits rolled, Sombra removed the rope over Shining’s mouth, allowing him to speak.

“Ready for Chuck Thunderdunk 2: Thunderdunk Harder?” Sombra asked him gleefully. “Or do you think I should change it to Sombra-dunk now that I’m in all of them?”

“You ruined my hero!” Shining screamed, spittle flying. “I will NEVER let you back inside the Crystal Empire now! You hear me? NEVER!”

Rolling his eyes, Sombra wrapped a less-than-reassuring foreleg around Shining’s head. “You don’t say? Well, how about this: I don’t care what you think. What I did today, I did for me. I did as revenge. I know quite clearly I’m not getting inside my Empire by being your friend, so why should I even bother trying to butter you up like the warm piece of white bread that you clearly are? Sooner or later, I’ll get back inside because of your wife or your child or because one of my schemes finally works, simple as that. But this? This right here?”

He raised his head to sniff at the air.

“Revenge. Tasty, succulent revenge. You took my Empire away from me, Shining. Something that I loved more than anything else in the world and you turned it against me. And so now I’ve done the same to you.” He displayed his sharp fangs. “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

The second film began and again Shining closed his eyes. Too bad Sombra wasn’t having any of that anymore and held them both open with bits of tape.

“Oh, no you don’t! I didn’t go on a diet to shoot nude scenes for nothing!”

And so the movie marathon continued as planned.

Author's Note

It seems that the older I get, the more I laugh at dumb things. In a few recent stories, I've used the names "Blub Blub" and "Chuck Thunderdunk" and giggled to myself like a loon.

I can't wait until five years from now when I start laughing at dangling keys... :pinkiesick:

Using... Oh, No. Oh, Please Don't Go There.

“It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?”

Shining Armor’s mouthful of morning coffee shot right over the wall and onto the white snow below. Why he’d taken such a massive sip of coffee right before speaking with Sombra would remain anyone’s guess.

“What!?” Shining hurriedly glanced back and forth where he stood, lowering his voice to a nasty hiss. “Shut up, Sombra! Shut your stupid trap right this instant! Don’t you go there! Don’t you dare go there!”

“Go where, Shining?” Sombra asked him coolly. “Right to the cold, harsh truth of the matter? Finally, it’s donned on me just why I was evicted from my rightful home. And it’s become clear that it was only due to the color of my fur! Which is black… I think. Or really, really dark grey. I’m not completely sure right now.”

“Are you serious? You weren’t kicked out of here for that! You were kicked out of here because you enslaved an entire race to do your bidding!”

Sombra nodded a single time. “I see. Hmm. How odd. I mention that my fur is black and the first thing that pops into your head is ‘slavery’. Is that all that swirls around in that hateful head of yours, Shining? Ponies owning other ponies? And just why, pray tell, can’t a black pony such as I have his very own—”

Shining leveled a hoof at him, spittle flying from his lips. “Don’t you finish that sentence! Don’t!”

Sombra shrugged innocently. “What? ‘Have his very own Empire’?”

Just then, Cadence entered the scene.

“So what are we all talking about today?”

Shining turned to her with a scowl. “Sombra here thinks we won’t let him back inside the Crystal Empire because he’s black.”

That stopped her in her tracks. “Oh. Looks like I’ll be staying inside today. Tootles!”

And just like that, Cadence exited the scene.

“Makes sense, now that I think about it,” Sombra muttered down below. “It’s become a tradition between you two, hasn’t it? Queen Chrysalis—also of the darker shelled variety—goes out searching for food one day to support her many, many children, and what do you two do to the poor girl? Blast her to the ends of the Earth, that’s what! When all she was trying to do was survive as a struggling single parent!”

If Shining had wings that morning, he would’ve leapt off the wall and personally strangled Sombra without pause. Sadly, all he could do that morning was shoot at him with his horn. But by that point in time, Sombra had grown rather skillful at dodging laser blasts. Perhaps he’d built a yoga center nearby that Shining had no idea about.

Shining growled out, “Queen Chrysalis was planning on taking over Equestria! She hypnotized me, imprisoned my wife, and attacked my sister!”

Sombra pursed his lips. “So stuck on the small details, aren’t you? I can tell you’re still trying to ignore the big issue at hoof. The elephant in the room, as it were. Or is it ‘the black pony locked outside his Empire’ now?”

Shining sighed. “I have no problems with ponies who happen to have black fur. For Celestia’s sake, I have friends with black fur!” Hurriedly, he wrapped a hoof around the nearest dark-haired guard he could find. “See? Here’s that friend I was talking about!”

The guard he was holding looked at him. “Sir, do you even know my name?”

Shining grimaced. “…Bob?”

The guard casually strolled away. “You’re just lucky I wore my nametag today.”

On the other side of the wall, Sombra gravely shook his head. “And here I find I can’t even blame you, Shining; it’s been going on for millennia already, so why should it change now? Princess Celestia, the whitest pony around, runs all of Equestria herself! But her sister? The one with dark blue fur—”

“Luna also runs Equestria, you moron!” Shining interrupted.

“Not when she was Nightmare Moon, though,” Sombra continued, furrowing his brows. “The moment she got too ‘dark’ for Celestia—BAM!—straight to the moon she goes!”

“Nightmare Moon was planning on doing terrible things to the world, Sombra! Even you can’t be so naïve as not to understand that.”

“Nightmare Moon… terrible? Or terribly misunderstood?” He exhaled bitterly. “So many travesties against my fellow dark-haired creatures. Tirek? Born with fur of red and black? He never stood a chance. The moment he escapes his corrupt jailors—the moment he tries to turn his life around and hit the gym and bulk up a bit—you throw him right back into Tartarus and then place his key up on the top shelf where no one can possibly reach!

“I don’t recall any fair trials happening for Tirek before he was locked up again. So where’s Tirek’s justice, Shining? Hmm? Is it somewhere in that big, fancy Empire of yours? Hmm? I’d be happy to come search for it. If it even exists, that is.”

Up on the wall, Shining rested his head on the railing. “Can’t you just go back to the ridiculously stupid tactics already? You haven’t tried catapults yet, right? Or giant ramps and skis? Come on, bud. Anything but this!”

Sombra pondered on that. “Fine. I guess this was a long shot anyways. Maybe I’ll build a bar or something. That sounds pointless enough.”

And so he did. And no one mentioned that awkward conversation ever again.

Under penalty of exile.

Straight to the moon.

Author's Note

So. This is the result of an odd conversation between my sister and I.

I mean no offense with this chapter. If anyone considers it in bad taste, then I will obviously delete it.

I honestly don't like to stir up trouble. And, yes, Sombra will be opening a bar next chapter. :trollestia:

Using Booze!

Shining Armor wasted little time after kicking both front doors inward.

“That’s it! Everyone back to the Empire right this instant!” he screamed.

There must’ve been close to two hundred ponies crammed inside the small place, but only the two closest to the doors took any notice of him. The rest merely continued to drink, dance, and appear overwhelmingly happy or unbearably miserable or some combination of the two, all while nodding along to the bar’s blaring techno beat.

Two near identical mares greeted him near the doors. Both in tight fitting tops and shorts and donning makeup that made them appear more “Sombra-ish” than Shining would’ve liked: ruby red lipstick, purple and green eyeliner running up the sides of their heads. Even fake plastic crowns to finish it all off.

“Hi there!” greeted one of them. “Welcome to the Som-Bar. Have you been here before?”

Shining audibly groaned. “The Som-Bar? Okay, now Sombra’s hit a new low.”

“Would you like a table or a booth?” the second mare asked. “I think there’re still a couple of them open. Or there’s a few spots left at the bar, if that suits you better.”

“Just take me to your boss.”

The trek to the bar should’ve taken less than thirty seconds, but ended up taking nearly three times that long. Sombra’s “Som-Bar” was apparently quite the popular spot, loaded to the brim with ponies and creatures from all walks of life. Several times Shining stumbled into guards and citizens from within his very own Crystal Empire; some just enjoying a late-night drink while others appeared close to passing out drunk.

One of his more well-known guards wrapped a meaty hoof around his shoulder, slopping the contents of his drink onto him. “Captain Sh-Shining! You… you m-made it! I just… just knew you’d come out and p-p-party with us sometime!”

That was when the guard belched in Shining’s face and was promptly shoved away for it. Following that, Shining basically tackled any pony that stood between him and the bar.

Once there, Sombra greeted him with a smile. “Why if it isn’t Shining Armor! My greatest nemesis.”

Since he’d been pondering exactly what he’d say to Sombra the entire time it took to get to his bar way out in the woods, Shining launched into it without pause. “Shut this bar down right this instant and give me back my guards!”

Then something made him stop.

“Did you just call me your greatest nemesis?” Shining had to hide a mild blush. “You… uh, really think that?”

“Why of course!” Sombra explained. “Who else threw their very own wife like a football through the air in order to stop me? I must say, that was quite the clever thinking on your part.”

Shining surprised himself with a grin. “Oh, that? That was nothing. Anyone could’ve done that. I was just in the right place at the right time. You know how it is.”

Sombra’s smile turned into a sneer. “I’m only pulling on that rather girly looking leg of yours, Shining. I think by this point in time, Flurry Heart’s more of the threat to me than you. Right next to early onset diabetes.” His eyes flickered in the dimly lit room as he must’ve remembered something. “Did you know the last time I visited a doctor, anesthesia hadn’t even been invented yet? And here I thought that colonoscopy of mine would never end!”

While Sombra blathered on, Shining took notice of just what he had on behind the bar: slick red vest, black bowtie, heavily jelled mane. Even a nametag with MANAGER on it.

“You really like dressing up, don’t you?” Shining asked.

Sombra nodded like a hyper child. “Yes, I do. I really do.” Then he pulled a large glass out from behind the bar to wipe at with a cloth. “So what’ll it be? Light beer? Ice water? Glass of warm milk? We do technically have a drink named after you. It’s ginger ale, grenadine, and with a cherry on top. And just like you, it’s completely virgin.”

Shining couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “I have a kid for Celestia’s sake.”

Chewing on his tongue, Sombra said, “I don’t know, Shining. Flurry Heart does looks an awful lot more like Cadence than you. Were you perhaps away on business during her conception?”

“No,” Shining replied through gritted teeth.

“Oh, well. Until I see some solid video evidence, I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. Why did you come in here again?”

“I want you to shut this place down. Immediately.”

Sombra’s eyes went wide. “But why? We’re doing great here! Business is booming! We’re packed every single night here. Doubly so on Super Sexy Dance Saturdays!”

“You’ve hired strippers, too? Everything you do just makes me sick, Sombra.”

Sombra frowned. “Hey! I don’t call myself a stripper! No, sir! More of a ‘remover of clothes’ after carefully putting them on! You heard that right, Shining. Twelve sweaters! Eight pairs of socks! Three pairs of slacks! Two and a half cowboy hats! All removed before your very eyes alongside interpretive dance, music, and lights!”

“A half cowboy hat? What does that even mean?” Shining questioned.

“One of the hat’s a lot smaller than the others. It’s used to cover my—”

“Don’t finish that.”

“Horn.”

Shining’s eyelid twitched. He was finding just speaking with Sombra like a battle in and of itself. Confusing. Messy. Mostly illogical.

Shining even had the deep scars to prove it. Not ones on the outside, though; emotional scars that had no hope of ever completely healing.

As Shining’s shoulders slumped, he collapsed onto the closest barstool around.

“I’ll have a whiskey on the rocks.”

“That’s the spirit!” Sombra instantly whirled around to fix Shining his drink, ducking below the bar for a suspiciously long time before returning. He placed the drink down and set up his own shot of tequila and lime. “Here’s to the Empire!”

“And here’s to hoping I die peacefully in my sleep very, very soon,” Shining added bluntly before downing his drink whole. “So how much is that gonna set me back?”

Sombra was quick in refilling Shining’s glass. “One bit, please.”

As the alcohol warmly collided with his gut, Shining’s cheeks flushed. “One bit? That’s it?”

Nodding happily, Sombra went on to explain, “Every drink at the Som-Bar costs only a bit. I’m a multi-millionaire with one simple goal in mind: annoying you. So who cares if I lose a few thousand bits a night turning all of your guards and citizens into drunken simpletons?”

Shining told him bluntly, “Ever since you opened this dive bar of yours, my entire staff of guards has gone down the drain. Hangovers everywhere! Vomit everywhere! No guard can hold their post anymore and even normal citizens can hardly keep their own shops open because of how drunk they’re getting!” He growled deep in his throat. “You know that cinnamon bun place in the market? It’s not even open anymore! You know how long I’ve gone without a cinnamon bun?”

Gently, Sombra patted Shining’s shoulder. “There there, Shining. There there. It’s widely known how much you love other ponies’ warm glazed buns, but you have to realize I’m not doing anything wrong here. You don’t own this piece of land, so I can build whatever I want to here. Right next to my amusement park and theater. Plus, I’m even giving back to the villain community!”

Shining took another gulp of his drink. “How so?”

“Defeated villains get to drink free. All day. Every day.”

“Defeated villains? Why not regular ones?”

That was when Sombra turned his head to stare out onto the dance floor like some majestic explorer surveying some landscape only he could see. “Because villains that try their hardest only to fail have the biggest wounds of all to try and heal. With booze. Lots and lots of it.”

He pointed across the room at a lone mare at a table. Around her were about three dozen empty shot glasses and mugs. And one untouched plate of nachos.

“Who’s that?” Shining asked.

“Just wait,” Sombra said, keeping his glowing eyes on the mare.

Ten seconds later, the mare across the room hiccupped, and for a brief moment Queen Chrysalis was seated in her stead. Then as fast as an eye blink she was back as the mare from before. She soon screamed at one of the waitresses to hurry up and refill her drink.

“Trouble with the kids,” Sombra explained casually. “You know how it is.”

Shining frowned. “No, I don’t. My kid’s just fine.”

Sombra raised a brow. “Is she now? Is she really?”

Angling his head across the room, Shining followed Sombra’s cue and soon dropped his drink to the floor. At a table all to herself was Flurry Heart, twelve empty shot glasses scattered around her. She gurgled and loudly belched, giggling afterwards.

Shining leapt from his stool. “You got Flurry Heart drunk!?”

“Technically: juiced,” Sombra replied plainly.

“What’s the difference? You are such a bastard, Sombra. You know that?”

Reaching below the bar, Sombra brought out a large apple juice container. He filled up another shot glass that he got a server to bring over to Flurry Heart’s table.

“Oh,” Shining said, quieting down. “That kind of juice. Still, that’s an awful lot of sugar for a baby.”

Sombra shook his head at him gravely. “Just can’t have a good time, can you?”

Sighing, Shining admitted, “No, not really. After marriage and a kid, anything fun sort of goes out the window.”

Sombra poured Shining another drink and grinned. “I know what’ll cheer you up, good buddy! A round of Flurry Darts!”

Shining took a dainty sip of his drink. “Come again?”

“Flurry Darts! I invented it myself. Come along and I’ll show you.”

Exiting the bar, Sombra and Shining strolled toward Flurry Heart’s table and found her in the middle of a heated discussion with some pony so drunk, they were making even less sense than the baby was.

“Greahh… blarssfor… goodtrjddsl?” the pony asked in a mash of words.

Flurry Heart nodded along as if she understood completely. “Grapplemush?”

The pony slammed his hooves onto the table. “Exactly! Someone who understands!”

Sombra scooped Flurry Heart out of her chair. “Ready for another round of Flurry Darts, sweetie?”

Flurry Heart giggled and nodded, spreading out her wings to their fullest extent.

Already the bar’s thick crowd had quieted down and gave the three of them room. On a wall twelve feet away were three different sized golden rings: the largest on the outside, then the middle one, then the smallest at the very center. Right behind those was soft, white corkboard. To the right of that sat a trio of pony holding signs. Clearly judges.

“Think of it like darts meets paper airplanes,” Sombra went on to explain, gently holding Flurry Heart up on one hoof as he raised one wing while lowering the other. “You try and arrange Flurry Heart’s wings so that she’ll flip and loop as many times as possible before hitting the board. After that, the judges will give you their scores. If Flurry Heart makes it to the center ring, your score is tripled. Middle ring, it’s doubled. Outer ring, your score remains the same. Any questions?”

Shining took a moment to rub at his head with a hoof. “If you really think I’m about to let you throw my daughter across the room—”

But Sombra did so anyways, gently tossing Flurry Heart up into the air so that her wings and momentum would do the rest. The gathered crowd cheered as she first did three full loop-the-loops before spiraling into a fast corkscrew. With a faint thump, Flurry Heart’s horn embedded itself into the second ring’s area. Someone went to get her down a moment later, as she happily laughed and clapped. It was clear Flurry Heart liked all the attention.

“I hate you so much right now,” Shining muttered at Sombra.

Sombra didn’t seem to care. “Let’s see what the judges have to say!”

Judge one: 85 points.

Judge two: 91 points.

Judge three: 87 points.

Total: 263 with double bonus = 526 points.

Sombra smirked as one of the servers went to change the records on the chalkboard above the bar. “Beat my own personal best! Now if only I could get in that blasted center ring.”

Glancing up, Shining was dismayed to find the highest score belonging to none other than his very own wife. He could see some very serious marriage counseling coming on the horizon.

“Ready for your turn, Captain?” Sombra asked him gleefully.

“I’m not about to toss my child across the room for sport, Sombra,” Shining said thickly, his eyes suddenly becoming heavy. “In fact, the only ponies getting… tossed out of here will… will be my g-guards right… a-after—”

Shining’s vision went blurry and his tongue felt three times its normal size. Soon even standing became difficult, as he visibly wobbled on the spot.

“You… you put something in my d-d-drink,” Shining sputtered out.

Sombra only nodded and smiled. “Of course I did! You think I wouldn’t try to drug you while you were in my very own bar?”

“Wha… what are you g-going to do to me?”

Sombra’s smile widened, displaying his sharp fangs. “First, I’m gonna spread you out on the pool table.”

In fright, Shining’s eyes popped open. “Oh, no… not that! A-anything but that!”

Out from his vest, Sombra pulled out a thick black marker. “Then I’m gonna doodle on you in permanent marker.”

“You w-won’t get aw-away with it! My g-guards w-won’t let you!”

Sombra looked up to face the room. “Any Crystal Empire guards around here that would like to doodle on their boss? I promise he won’t remember a thing!”

The crowd cheered and Shining was thus doodled on without mercy.

The spelling mistakes alone numbered into the hundreds.

Author's Note

As did the drawings of dicks. :twilightsheepish:

Using Mind Games!

Sombra marched toward the Crystal Empire gates with a look of sheer determination. Stopping before the wall, he shot his head up, trademark scowl set in place.

“I want to speak with Shining Armor!” he barked out. “Right this instant!”

Atop the wall, a purple mare poked her head out. She smiled at Sombra politely. “And why exactly do you need to speak with him?”

“He was in one of my dreams last night,” Sombra explained, “doing highly questionable and inappropriate things to me! So tell him to knock it off and stay the hell out of my dreams! And if I dare hear that Luna was somehow involved…”

The purple mare shook her head. “Sorry, Sombra, but Shining’s already left the Empire.”

Sombra paused, furrowing his brows. “Shining… left? But why? He’s supposed to be protecting the Crystal Empire! Protecting it against the likes of me!”

“Well, about that…” the purple mare said with a grimace. “How do I put this gently? You sort of broke his brain in two and everyone thought he deserved a much needed rest. Or ‘stress leave’, if you want to get technical about it. At the moment, he’s at our parents’ house back in Canterlot. And seeing a highly trained therapist three times a week.”

There was almost a whine to Sombra’s voice. “But… but he’ll be back, right? Eventually? I’m not nearly done annoying him yet!”

The mare shrugged. “Hard to say. But in the meantime, Shining left the ‘dealing of you’ to me and my friends. They all came along with me from Ponyville.” Again, she smiled daintily. “You actually might remember me. I’m Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor’s younger sister.”

Sombra scanned all of his thoughts and memories in search of that name. It took him roughly eight seconds to search his entire brain. He came up with nothing.

“Sorry,” he said, “but I have absolutely no idea who you are.”

Twilight raised a brow. “Really? I did technically battle with you when you tried to reclaim the Crystal Empire three years ago.”

Sombra shook his head. “I never tried reclaiming my Empire. This is still my first attempt.”

“Well, I know that’s just not true. Don’t you remember that crazy battle we all had here? Back when you were just a giant smoke cloud—”

“Wrong!”

“And you infected Shining’s horn—”

“Incorrect!”

“And later Princess Cadence was thrown at the Crystal Heart—”

“Alternative facts!”

Rolling her eyes, Twilight asked, “So we’re just not gonna talk about your defeat? You’re just gonna deny the whole thing ever happened?”

“Quite correct, smaller Shining,” Sombra answered with a nod. “Now… if you are the only thing blocking me from reentering my precious Empire, then that makes you my enemy. So hear this, enemy: let me back inside my Empire right this instant!”

Sombra’s loud roar echoed across the land, but it didn’t seem to faze Twilight in the least.

She pointed a hoof toward a set of doors close to him. “Oh, so you want back inside? Why didn’t you say so earlier?”

One of the doors opened inward. There was nothing but darkness inside.

Sombra snorted. “About damn time!”

Then he took a step toward the door before stopping.

“Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute. Just what’s behind that door?” he asked.

Twilight smirked. “Your precious Crystal Empire, of course. Or if you want to get more specific… it’s actually a rather simple foyer that leads into the central marketplace. There’re coat racks and weapons racks and stuff like that in there. But not much else.”

Carefully, Sombra angled his head to try and see beyond the open door. Yet all he could glimpse was a vast pit of black. His hooves began quivering in the snow.

He asked tentatively, “Who’s to say there’s not a thousand guards with sharp, pointy spears in there? Waiting to poke and prod me until there’s nothing left?”

“Well,” Twilight said, a tad irritably, “for starters: there’s not. Also, how would we even fit a thousand guards into one room? That room could hardly hold twenty. Thirty if we stacked them.”

“I dunno! Maybe you recruited a bunch of super tiny guards recently. Just to stab me in the knees with!”

“Highly unlikely.”

“But still possible!”

Twilight sighed. “Look. Do you want back inside the Empire or not? Haven’t you been clamoring to get back inside for months now?”

“Yeah…” Sombra admitted meekly. “But I didn’t think it would be so easy, though.”

“Think of it as a ‘Welcome Back Sombra’ party,” Twilight told him helpfully. “Flurry Heart’s even waiting on the other side of that door with a cake. A cake just for you.”

“Now I know you’re lying, purple Shining!” Sombra spat back. “There’s probably nothing behind that door! Just a pit that goes on for miles and miles that I’ll fall into! And years later, late at night, ponies will still be talking about my death! They’ll say, ‘Sombra screamed for hours and hours before hitting the bottom’. And some will even say, ‘Sombra fell to his death with no welcome cake at all!’”

Twilight’s pupils shrunk. “Oh, my Celestia. Now I see why Shining needed that stress leave so bad.”

Sombra held a hard hoof up to Twilight. “You’re not fooling anyone today, Shining Sparkle! I is too smart to be played like some less than smart pony!” He glanced at the open door again, whining like some injured dog. “Unless… this really is an invitation back inside the Empire…”

“It is,” Twilight said bluntly. “Nowhere in the budget could we afford a bottomless pit.”

“Then maybe it’s only a six-foot pit!” Sombra exclaimed. “Now I see what you’re up to! I’ll go through that door, break a leg, and become trapped! Then you’ll fill the hole up with cement! Or worse… day old coffee and bagels from the bagel shop!”

Up on the wall, Twilight held both hooves to her temples, blinking rapidly. “Oh, wow. This stupidity is strong. Fascinating, but strong.”

Sombra’s body swayed between the open door and back toward the woods. He danced on the spot as if he had to use the bathroom rather badly. “You know what? I think my bar might be on fire. Back in a bit!”

And with that said, he retreated as fast as his cowardly legs could carry him.

***

Twilight Sparkle nudged open the door that Sombra wouldn’t dare enter, crossing the foyer and sitting down at a table. She patted Flurry Heart’s head.

“Sorry, sweetie,” she told her softly, “but Sombra didn’t feel like coming by today.”

On the table next to Flurry Heart was a cake; written on it was “WELCOME BACK SOMBRA!” Flurry Heart had icing all across her muzzle, as she’d been busy eating it.

“Som-Som?” she gurgled out. She held up two hooves covered in cake.

Again, Twilight ruffled Flurry Heart’s mane. “Maybe one of my friends will have a better time with Sombra.”

Author's Note

So after reading over a few comments saying that perhaps Shining has had enough (which is plain ridiculous, btw, Shining deserves unlimited punishment for stopping the rightful King), I thought maybe having Twilight and friends deal with him for a bit could be fun.

Question time! :yay: Any characters you'd like to see pop by for a chapter? If so, what would they be doing? (Hopefully Sombra related.)

Using Alternate Universes!

Rarity and Rainbow Dash stood outside the doors to the Crystal Empire, both clad in puffy jackets, armor, and each holding a weapon of choice. Lazily, Rainbow Dash spun a blunt sword across her back, while Rarity’s chosen spear remained buried in the snow. She’d chucked it there the moment it was given to her.

“You know…” Rarity began, angrily huffing out her nose, “this vacation of Twilight’s sure isn’t feeling much like a vacation. Where’s the relaxing spa visits? The hot springs? The world-renowned Crystal Empire culture and cuisine? What have we gotten instead? Six hours a day of guard duty! What a joke. This Empire is getting such a bad review once we get back to Ponyville.”

Rainbow Dash’s sword slipped off her back. “Wouldn’t be so bad if Sombra showed his face around here once in awhile. Wasn’t that the whole reason Twilight had us tag along with her? To help keep him under control? It’s been months since Sombra’s done anything to get inside. Think he’s finally dead?”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Probably not. Probably just drinking at that bar of his.”

“I was hoping he’d try a catapult eventually,” Rainbow Dash admitted.

“Or dress up like a mare,” Rarity added. “Wouldn’t that be silly?”

“Or pretend he really had to use the bathroom inside. I mean, anything than nothing at all!”

Suddenly, Rarity cocked her head to the side and gasped. “I see someone coming! Maybe your wish will actually come true, Rainbow Dash!”

Rainbow Dash furrowed her brows. “About the whole bathroom thing? Let’s hope not.”

She picked up her sword again and held it out.

“Rarity! Your spear!”

Rarity glanced at the buried object wearily. “I have something better.” Then out of her winter jacket, she pulled out a small blowing horn that looked a lot like Twilight Sparkle’s very own horn. She stuck it to her lips and blew. Hard.

“SPLORT!” it wailed, clear across the Empire and beyond.

That only made Rainbow Dash snicker. “That’s gotta be the worst horn sound I’ve ever heard, Rarity. And I’ve heard, like, three of them.”

The wooden doors behind the pair shot opened as Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy shuffled out. All wore protective armor as well—besides Applejack, who still clung tight to her trademark hat, regardless what a hard strike from something like an axe might do to her skull.

“You rang the Sombra Signal?” Twilight asked, slamming the door behind them. “What’s he doing this time?”

“Don’t know yet,” Rainbow Dash replied, eyeing up the vast expanse of chilly white snow as well as the approaching figure. “But he seems to be coming fast. Think he’s trying to ram his way in?”

Applejack gritted her teeth. “Not on my watch.”

The five mares hunkered down to the snow while Fluttershy remained behind, offering overwhelming moral support to the group. Tensions ran high through them all; the clear smell of fear was in the air. Most of them hadn’t seen the nefarious King Sombra in years and this was to be their very first encounter.

Anything could happen. Anything.

“Thank goodness you are here,” Sombra said, slowing his pace at the very last moment. “It is of the upmost importance that I speak with you all.”

The one that ruined the mood ended up being Rainbow Dash, falling on her back to laugh until tears formed. “That’s it!?” she blurted out. “All that buildup… for this!?”

Sombra took a step back, clearly confused. “I… I do not understand.”

“I believe she’s referring to your latest look, darling,” Rarity told him. “I must say, it is a tad much. The new horn. The lighter fur color. Now I simply must ask: how long did it take you to re-dye your mane and tail? That must’ve cost a fortune. And don’t you think that blue streak is a little outdated? Solid colors are all the rage this year. Ask anyone. Me first.”

As Rarity spoke, Sombra glanced himself over—new purple cape, blue armor and all. He then sighed. “Now I understand. You believe myself to be the tyrannical King Sombra of this world, don’t you?”

The six mares nodded.

“I only wish it were that simple…” he began, lowering his head. “You see, I am actually a different King Sombra. From an entirely different Equestria. From an entirely different timeline, in fact.” He paused for dramatic effect. “All things considered, you can think of me as the good Sombra. Back in my universe, I ruled my Kingdom with love and affection. My citizens were happy and content. The love of my life, Princess Celestia, ruled by my side, and together—”

Just as Rainbow Dash was getting back to her hooves, she fell down laughing again. “It just keeps getting better!” she shouted. “Even Scootaloo’s made-up stories are more believable than this!”

Good Sombra pursed his lips. “I do not have time to stand around and guffaw. You are all in danger. All of this Equestria—this universe—is in danger, unless—”

“We let you back in the Empire?” Twilight finished for him. “Sorry, Sombra. This latest attempt definitely isn’t your best. I appreciate the costume and all, but—”

Good Sombra stamped a hoof into the snow. “You think I care about your Crystal Empire? I only worry about my own! Please, you must listen to what I’m telling you.”

The door behind the girls opened again and Princess Cadence stepped out. In her aura was both Flurry Heart and a towel, vigorously rubbing at the tiny foal’s damp mane and tail.

“Anything of interest out here?” Cadence asked. “Flurry Heart was just finishing up her bath when I heard the Sombra Signal.”

Once Cadence finished drying Flurry Heart’s mane, the child glanced at the ponies around her, halting on Good Sombra. Softly giggling to herself, she took to the air and rushed over to him before anyone could react. She buried her head into his chest as Good Sombra held her there with a hoof.

Cadence grunted. “Flurry Heart! You just had a bath! And no one knows where Sombra might’ve been last! He may have slept in a dumpster last night for all we know!”

Good Sombra ignored the jab, ruffling Flurry Heart’s mane while making funny faces down at her. He whispered, “Who’s a good savior of Equestria? You are! Yes, you are! Who’s a good last hope? That’s you! Who loses an eye in the Great War? You do!”

Cadence cocked a brow. “What did you just say about my baby?”

Good Sombra glanced upward, face stern. “Listen and shut up, all of you. I am not the same Sombra that infests this world. I come from a world all my own—a destroyed one, in fact. And soon, the creature that took over my world will come here to do the exact same to yours. The only good part is that Flurry Heart here leads the rebellion some hundred years into the future to try and take back control. Does she succeed? That I was not able to glimpse.”

“How can you know all that future junk?” Applejack asked. “As well as all that stuff from your own timeline?”

“Not all universes or timelines run parallel to each other,” Good Sombra informed her. “Some are far into the future, while others may be stuck in the past. The only relation between them all is that one creature is going from one universe to the next in order to conquer it.”

“What creature?” Twilight said. “One we’ve fought before?”

Good Sombra shook his head. “I’m afraid she comes from a universe all her own.”

“Please stop being so cryptic, darling,” Rarity said. “When will she get here?”

“Whenever she wants to.”

Rarity turned to her friends. “Don’t you just hate it when prophecies are this bland and vague?”

“Probably means he’s making it up as he goes along,” Applejack added. “I reckon this is still King Sombra in disguise. Nice try there, bud.”

“I am not that Sombra!” Good Sombra yelled.

“Who’s this loser?” the original Sombra asked, casually strolling into the heated scene.

Unlike his counterpart, the Original Sombra remained as evil in appearance as could be. Blood red horn. Matching cape. Flowing black mane and tail. Fangs sharp enough to use as a makeshift hole puncher if necessary.

Flurry Heart was the first to react, eyes darting between both Sombras. Immediately, she began drooling from the mouth. “Shoo… mush… Som-som…” she quivered out in pure ecstasy.

Original Sombra glared down at the child. “Cheating on me already, are you, baby? I thought this was our shtick.”

Six out of the seven mares gasped; Fluttershy squeaked.

“He was telling the truth all along!” Twilight said, eyes open wide. “So, this new Sombra really is the good-version!”

“Good Sombra?” Original Sombra barked. “Please. This guy’s a dork. Just look at his horn! Not curved in the slightest. That dashing smile? What’s he trying to win? Ten bits in a beauty contest? And what’s that around his neck? A neckerchief?”

Good Sombra glared at his evil doppelganger. “You have a better way of cleaning up unexpected spills? Never mind. Just stay out of this. One version of Sombra is more than enough here.”

Original Sombra trotted behind his other self, eyeing up every inch of him. “I always wondered what my butt looked like from behind.” He whistled loudly. “Damn. No wonder you mares never let me inside the Empire. You just love to see me leave!”

Good Sombra closed his eyes in frustration. “Please stop staring at my nether regions, you repugnant swine!”

That only made Original Sombra wrap a meaty foreleg around his other self. “Our nether regions, Sombra! Ours!” He chuckled deeply. “And don’t pretend you’re not flattered. Good stallions like you always like the bad ones, don’t they?”

Before things could somehow get any creepier, the entire sky went black and a mad cackle filled the air. Somehow, the Crystal Empire felt even colder than usual.

“It’s too late!” Good Sombra shrieked. “She’s already here!”

“What did we just discuss about being vague?” Rarity asked snidely. “Would it kill you to use a name?”

“How about Queen?” a familiar-yet-different voice said, as smooth as silk.

And just like that, a third Sombra appeared. One much different than the others.

Queen Umbra smiled devilishly at them all, features slim and graceful; the very air around her body swirled as if due to a great heat. Purple vapor oozed from both seductive eyes.

She looked powerful. Sexy, too.

Flurry Heart appeared on the edge of overdosing on pure Sombra. Still in Good Sombra’s grip, she held out two hooves in Queen Umbra’s direction, only to be wholly ignored. She sniffled as Good Sombra soothed her, patting her along the back.

Pinkie Pie whispered to her friends, “Holy moly! You know she must be really evil to make a baby cry!”

“I will do more than make babies cry!” Queen Umbra exclaimed, taking a step towards them. “I have conquered dozens of Equestrias in the last week alone! Do not believe that anything can stop me from doing the exact same to this one!” She glanced at the other mismatched Sombras. “Regardless of how many other Sombras are around.”

She paused to give her ruby red lips a lick.

“As sexy as they may be.”

Applejack slowly raised a brow underneath her hat. “That’s three for three, I guess. No matter the universe, all Sombras are bull dung crazy.”

Queen Umbra whirled back around. “Silence! Take us to this Empire’s ruler at once!”

Original Sombra raised a hoof. “That would be me.”

Good Sombra turned to him. “No, you’re not! What do you think you’re doing?”

Original Sombra only shrugged. “I’m still not sure. I woke up five minutes ago.”

As Queen Umbra approached Original Sombra, Good Sombra scurried to Twilight and the rest, handing Flurry Heart back to Cadence in the process.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Good Sombra told them in a hushed tone. “That Queen Umbra over there? Nothing more than a puppet on a string. Weeks ago, in her own Equestria, she was possessed by an ancient evil thought lost and forgotten. Now, that very same evil inside Umbra must feed on pure crystal energy every twelve hours or be forced to leave its host and disappear again.”

“How can you possibly know all that?” Twilight questioned.

“This isn’t time for questions!” Good Sombra said thickly. “We have to find a way to distract her! Something that’ll occupy her for at least twelve hours!”

“I have a question,” Rarity said, fiddling with her mane.

“What did I just say about questions?” Good Sombra snapped.

“Don’t care. This is a personal question. Why do all Sombras seem to find one another attractive? Isn’t that… just a tad strange?”

“It’s nothing more than a common Sombra tendency,” Good Sombra answered quickly. “While all Sombras across all universes might appear different visually, we do all share a few unbreakable tendencies.”

“Such as?” Applejack asked.

Good Sombra thought on that. “Our love of power and control; our brilliant sense of humor.”

All at once, both Queen Umbra and Original Sombra broke out laughing.

Queen Umbra turned to the mares, chuckling. “You know what he named his bar? The Som-bar! Oh, dark demons from below, that is rich.” She pointed at Original Sombra with a smile. “You’re definitely in the running for official court jester.”

All seven mares faced Good Sombra again, whose face was a whole lot redder than a moment ago.

“You can laugh if you want,” Twilight told him. “What she said wasn’t funny, but…”

And so Good Sombra did. For a solid thirty seconds.

“Som-bar!” he croaked, wiping a single tear away. “Brilliant.”

“Any other Sombra tendencies we should know about?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I have a feeling it has something to do with capes. Am I right? Cape fetish?”

“No,” Good Sombra said timidly. “With egos as large as ours… we can’t help but find other Sombras especially attractive.” He grimaced as they all glared at him. “Hey! I’m not the only weird one here! Honestly, would any of you not make sweet, passionate love to yourself if given the chance?”

The seven mares pondered that bizarre question.

“I would,” Cadence admitted. “I feel I have no choice. Princess of Love and all.”

Rainbow Dash smirked. “I never back away from a challenge.”

“Too late! Mirror pool already happened!” was Pinkie Pie’s joyous answer.

“I think we’d just snuggle, honestly,” Fluttershy said softly, hugging herself tight.

Rarity had clear twinkles in her eyes. “Could you even imagine anything more beautiful than two of us?”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “Could you even imagine how many times they’d say ‘darling’ to each other?”

“Only if my double helped around the farm first,” Applejack said with a nod.

“Only for scientific purposes,” Twilight said last, sheepishly. “Scientific purposes that may or may not involve copious amounts of charts and lists.”

“See!” Good Sombra chirped. “Everyone’s weird! Now, stop asking useless questions! We have to distract Umbra for at least twelve hours, remember?”

The Original Sombra whistled at him. “You coming, dork? I left the ownership papers to this Equestria back at the bar and now I’m taking Queen Umbra there to sign and celebrate. Maybe have a drink or two. Why don’t you tag along? Unless you’re too good for us other Sombras.”

“Ownership papers?” Good Sombra questioned, before Original Sombra tipped him a wink. “Oh. Now I see what you’re doing.”

Gently, Rarity nudged Good Sombra forward. “What better way to distract someone for twelve hours, hmm?”

Good Sombra gulped, steeling himself. “For Equestria!”

Then he trotted onwards to join his fellow black-maned simpletons.

“I call backdoor!” Original Sombra shouted, gathering Umbra’s attention.

“What was that?” she barked.

“Backdoor to the bar, my Queen,” he answered smoothly. "That's the VIP door. Very Important Ponies, only."

In complete silence, the seven remaining mares watched the trio of Sombras trot away, and for the longest time, none of them said a word. Perhaps mere words had become meaningless by that point. Until Fluttershy summed it all up, of course.

“Did King Sombra just save all of Equestria by having sex with multiple versions of himself?”

Princess Cadence comforted the soft-spoken mare, holding her close.

She nodded. “That he did, Fluttershy. That he did.”

Author's Note

Just when I thought my Sombra fetish couldn't get any worse. :derpyderp2:

If you haven't read the MLP comics, Good Sombra is based off this guy:

And Queen Umbra is obviously created by a bunch of horny internet neckbeards. Not me, of course. I couldn't grow a beard to save my life.

Truth be told, I was done with this story until a few days ago when a few comments gave me some new ideas. And possibly even an ending to it all that's just dumb enough to work.

Using Lots Of Things!

“Now just what do you think you’re doing?”

King Sombra jerked upward, momentarily startled. He’d been so immersed in his current task he’d not even realized the stern looking mare standing less than six feet from him, holding a clipboard atop a hoof for some reason.

He tilted his curved horn towards the immense power drill he was holding. “What does it look like? I’m drilling my way back inside the Empire.”

“I see.” The mare raised her clipboard and made a quick note with a quill. “And you do realize the Crystal Empire walls are close to twenty feet thick on all sides?”

“I… do,” Sombra replied awkwardly, sheepishly glancing at his progress—twelve inches inside the wall at best. He’d been working on it all morning, too. “But when there’s a will, there’s a way! And all that hippy-happy crap ponies say to make them feel better when they just plain suck.”

“By this rate, it’ll take you years to get in.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Is there a backup plan in place?”

“Nope.”

“I see.” She made another mark, grimacing sourly.

Sombra took notice, grimacing sourly himself. Only better. “Something I can help you with, Mrs…?”

“Harshwhinny,” the mare finished coldly. “And, no, I am strictly here to supervise and review. I…” She chewed on her tongue for a moment. “I… reviewed my room a little too harshly this morning, and now I believe it best if I hide outside the Empire walls for a while. So, tell me, what attempt number is this now?”

Sombra shrugged, setting down his overly large drill with a soft thud. “I don’t know. You think I keep track of this stuff? Second attempt, maybe? Forty-fifth? Eight-hundred and eight?”

Mrs. Harshwhinny wrote on her clipboard again, muttering to herself, “Clear lack of planning or scheduling; rudimentary equipment and materials; unimaginative break-in procedures; offensive body odour—”

“Hey!” Sombra barked. “You try living in the woods and smelling like a rose every day!”

Mrs. Harshwhinny raised a thin brow. “Are you not the current owner of an amusement park, a movie theatre, and a bar?”

“Doesn’t mean that I sleep in any of them!” Sombra answered sharply. “Or… installed showers in any of them. But that’s besides the point!” He glanced upward towards the Empire—a faint smirk on his lips. “If I’m going to sleep anywhere, it’s got to be in there! Where I belong! And that’s that.”

“That sure is that,” Mrs. Harshwhinny said, scribbling some more. She soon flipped to a fresh blank page. “And if this ‘drilling’ scheme takes years to pull off, just how does one make sure no guards accidentally happen upon it in mid-progress?”

“You think this is my first tunnel job? Please.” With that said, Sombra retrieved a rectangular poster from his shabby backpack and quickly slapped it over the small hole using wads of chewed up gum to hold it in place. “You like?”

The poster was of Sombra, spread out on a blanket in front of a fire with a single rose clenched between his sharp fangs.

Mrs. Harshwhinny stopped writing, lifting her chin up an inch. “I’m both tempted to give you marks for your boldness… yet take marks away for your cockiness. So, I’ll tell you what: remove that poster from my sight right this instant and I shall reward you one perfect point.”

“Out of?”

“One thousand.”

“Poster stays,” Sombra said with a laugh. “And as if the opinions of others matter to me in the slightest.” He then sneakily angled his head to get a better look at what was written on Harshwhinny’s clipboard.

Rolling her eyes, Mrs. Harshwhinny asked, “Let’s try something simpler, then: origin of evil. Go.”

Sombra winced. “What?”

“What made you the pony you are today?”

“Oh. Well, truth be told, my father was the King before me, and helped indulge my every fantasy. Food. Wealth. Mares. Silver spoons. I had it all. Corrupting me for life, it would seem.”

Finally, Mrs. Harshwhinny smiled. However faint. “Uh-huh. I see. Very good. Would you say your father—”

Sombra suddenly burst out laughing. “Nah, I only said that in jest. When I was younger, I got so lazy I just couldn’t get up anymore. So, I found a slave to do everything for me instead. Then that slave got a slave. And that slave got a slave. And one pyramid scheme later, here we are!”

Mrs. Harshwinny’s small smile disappeared into some unseen blackhole on her face, replaced by a scowl deeper than the pits of Tartarus. “I’ll have you know the only reason I even entered the reviewing world was because my mother was overly harsh on me as a filly. Every day, she’d tell me I wasn’t good enough. Nothing that I did was ‘up to code’. And now I use that same raw anguish to judge others just as she did. I know I may seem harsh to a lot of ponies most of the time, but that’s only because that’s all I’ve ever known.”

Sombra’s pointy ears dropped to his head. “I… I apologize. I didn’t mean to—”

“Now that’s how you monologue an origin story, Mr. Bra. In all honesty, it was I that reviewed my mother’s parenting so harshly she gave me up for adoption at age three. Following that, I reviewed my orphanage until it went out of business two months later. I must say, I’m rather good at what I do.”

Sombra took an instinctive step away from her. “I can see that. So… are we done here? You write enough on that clipboard of yours? I sort of need to get back to the whole ‘re-entering’ my Empire thing.”

“Yes, I do think I’ve seen enough. Here you are. I would say stick it on the fridge, but… I’m reminded you don’t have one.”

She then handed over the few pages she’d been writing on.

Sombra read them over hurriedly. “Three frowny faces. What does that mean?”

“My lowest possible score.”

“But that’s impossible!” Sombra exclaimed. “I’m me, damnit! Have you even reviewed a proper villain before?”

Mrs. Harshwhinny nodded. “Yes, many times, in fact. Queen Chrysalis, Tirek, Discord, Starlight Glimmer, a broken pinball machine—they all scored much higher than you, I’m afraid.”

Sombra sniffled. Then full blown cried. “But t-that’s… unfair!”

“Are you crying? Real tears? I thought you said the simple opinions of others didn’t matter the slightest to you?”

“These aren’t tears! I’m just letting out pure liquid evil, you jerk!”

In a snap, Mrs. Harshwhinny snatched her papers up again, adding colorful tears to all three frowny faces. She handed it back, stabbing it through the tip of Sombra’s horn. She then grinned, admiring her work—a fully broken adult pony coated in tears.

“Moments like these are what make me feel alive,” she said, more to herself than anyone.

Running away from the evilest pony he’d ever encountered up until that point, Sombra yelled back, “You’re going on my list, whoever you are!”

Mrs. Harshwhinny replied happily, “I’m on everyone’s list, sweetie!”

Then she went on to review the snow underhoof for being much too cold.

***

Sombra glanced down from the tall wooden bucket he sat on, eyes wide and clearly terrified.

“You sure this will work?” he asked the brothers. “Doesn’t look all that safe.”

“Safe?” questioned Flim, in that trademark singsong voice of his. “Why, safe’s my middle name! Ask anyone. Like my brother, Flam! The one’s that standing right next to me! Isn’t that right, Flam!”

Flam, indeed standing right next to him, nodded aggressively. “Sure is! Flim Safe Flam!”

Sombra pointed down at Flam. “So, what’s your middle name, then?”

“Unsafe!” Flam answered, about to pull the lever on the large wooden machine.

“Wait!” Sombra yelled. “What did you call this thing again?”

“A catapult, my dear richy-rich King!” Flim said, waving a foreleg at the contraption. “It takes an object and hurls it far, far away! Or, in this case, directly back inside your precious Crystal Empire. Ready to depart? Is your tray table in its upright and locked position? Did you want a complimentary packet of salted nuts for your flight? Only two bits per compliment.”

“How do I land, though?”

“Got your parachute packed, right?” Flam asked.

Chuckling uneasily, Sombra glanced at the pack on his back. “Oh. Yes. Of course.” He shifted his rump a small bit, causing the mammoth catapult to quiver. “Just how did you get a catapult all the way out here? I thought Twilight Sparkle and her friends were keeping watch over everyone?”

“Why we improvised, of course!” Flim told him happily. He knocked on the side of the catapult, causing it to shake. “See all this wood? Wasn’t there this morning!”

“Sure wasn’t!” his brother agreed.

“Then where did you get it all?” Sombra questioned.

“Rocking chairs!”

“Rocking chairs?” Sombra asked.

“You know how many retirees live here in the Empire? A lot! And you know what their number one pastime is?”

“Rocking in chairs?”

“Not anymore!” Flam declared. “Why should us working ponies be the only ones standing around anymore? Unfair, I say! Unfair to the max! Give me a ‘here here’, brother o’ mine!”

“Here here!” said that particular brother o’ his.

Flam stood next to the catapult lever. “And you know what else they say about rocking chairs, King deep pockets?”

Sombra tapped on his chin. “What?”

“They rock!” Flam said, pulling the lever and sending Sombra soaring…

…directly into the hardpacked ground roughly twelve feet in front of them.

A soft poof! told them both his parachute deployed correctly, somewhere underneath several feet of destroyed wood and metal.

“Hmm,” Flam said, straightening his moustache. “You know what, Flim?”

“What, Flam?”

“Maybe we should’ve unhooked that seatbelt of his first.”

He thought on that. “Maybe we shouldn’t have installed that seatbelt in the first place, Flam.”

“Comedy of errors, this one. Better luck next time. Got that shovel handy, best brother forever?”

“Sure do. Does that mean it’s time to hide another body?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth!”

Each taking a deep breath, they pressed their backs together to sing:

“Looks like it’s tiiiiiime to hiiiiide another boooodddy!

“Six feet deeeeep… with no marker should be good!

“Somewhere deeeeep in the wooooods! To protect all our goooods!

“Oh, yes it’s tiiiime to hide another booooodddy!”

Sombra suddenly groaned somewhere beneath the wreckage, causing both brothers to jolt.

“I thought he was dead!” Flim exclaimed.

Flam’s jaw dropped. “Worse. Alive! Which means he might sue us!”

“Then let us depart this confusing place, brother o’ mine!”

“Posthaste!” his brother agreed. And, so, they did.

And only once Sombra had successfully escaped the wreckage, did he add two more names to his ever-growing list of ponies to destroy:

Numbers 405-406: the nefarious Slim and Jim.

He may or may not have been suffering from a severe head injury at the time.

***

Atop the Crystal Empire wall, Applejack watched Sombra march back and forth carrying his trademark protest sign. “MAKE THE EMPIRE GREAT AGAIN!”, it read. Applejack sighed, lowering her head to rest on the chilly railing. She brightened once Fluttershy joined her, carrying a tray of hot apple ciders and cinnamon twists.

“Thanks, Fluttershy,” Applejack said with her newfound warm beverage. “Gets mighty boring watching the same fool do the same fool tactics day in a day out. Wish he’d change it up a bit, you know?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Fluttershy said, blowing on her own steaming drink. “I sorta like the boring, quiet stuff. It’s so peaceful up here, out in the middle of nowhere with nature. And I have to give Sombra credit. He’s been doing this for quite a while now. What’s the longest a villain’s ever attacked us before?”

Applejack cocked a brow. “A day, I reckon. A weekend, tops. Still, some change would be—”

Fluttershy glanced down below with a gasp. “He’s stopped! I think he’s writing something new on his sign.”

Both mares held their breath as they watched Sombra erase his old message and start anew. What he wrote made Applejack laugh while Fluttershy held a hoof to her mouth.

“HUNGER STRIKE!” the latest sign read. “UNTIL JUSTICE IS ACHIEVED!”

Applejack let out a mouthful of cider as she laughed. She shouted to him, “You serious, Sombra? I don’t think I’ve seen you go a whole two hours without eating something!”

Down on the cold ground, Sombra narrowed his eyes as he searched for the source of the voice. “Damn. It’s that apple pony again,” he muttered grumpily.

Applejack only chuckled again. “Thinking about apples already, are you, sugar cube? I reckon you make it half-a-day before you’re begging for table scraps!”

Sombra, meanwhile, appeared on the verge of throwing up. “Is that your real voice, apple pony? Or are you just doing a character? I’m more apt to believe it’s the latter. Is this part of some stand-up routine you perform on weekends, perchance?”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “That theory’s crazier than a racoon covered in powdered sugar trapped in a donut factory.”

Sombra nodded thoughtfully at her. “So, it is true. Can I have tickets to your show, then? Do you have a bit where you say, ‘You know you’re an apple pony when?’”

Applejack furrowed her brow. “I have no idea what you’re getting at, Sombra.”

“You know you’re an apple pony when your momma ripped her dress coon hunting!” Sombra shot back, joyously. “Say, that was a good one!”

“Stop in now!” Applejack warned. “Stop it right now!”

“One more! Just one more! You know you’re an apple pony when you go to the family reunion to score dates!”

Angered, Applejack grabbed the plate of cinnamon twists off the railing and threw them down at Sombra—china plate and all. Sombra sidestepped the projectile easily and grabbed a single cinnamon twist out of the snow, popping it in his mouth.

“Now who’s the idiot!” Applejack shouted. “Hunger strike’s over! One whole minute! Congrats!”

Sombra only smirked at her as he chewed. “What are you talking about? I’m just on a break right now. I’ll get back to the strike right after this.”

“Hunger strikes don’t get breaks, Sombra. If you start a strike, you gotta stop eating for good.”

Down below, Sombra gulped dryly, eyes bulging.

“Hunger strikes don’t take breaks? Not even for snacks?”

Applejack shook her head. “Nope.”

“Then screeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww that!” Sombra said, trotting away in the direction of his bar. And three servings of some deep-fried mozzarella sticks.

Author's Note

So this is about half of some short (very short) Sombra/pony interactions I want to get to. Others including Luna, Celestia, Chrysalis and a few more.

Oh. And Flurry Heart. Always Flurry Heart.

Using Even More Things!

By this point, King Sombra really had enough. He was fed up. Tired. Bored. Annoyed. Enraged. Confused. And worst of all achy. Once again, he’d slept outside on a thin bed of rocks. Once again, he’d covered himself with a layer of damp leaves to stay somewhat warm during the night.

But it wasn’t enough. Sleeping out in the woods night after night? Nope. Not nearly.

Sluggishly rising to his hooves as the morning sun hit him, Sombra loudly declared, “Today I WILL get back inside my Empire! That I promise you!”

A nearby pony stopped in his tracks. “Were you talking to me just then?”

Sombra grimaced. “No. Obviously not, random pony! Haven’t you ever heard of rambling monologues before?”

The random pony shrugged. “Nope.”

“Just keep hiking, you dolt.”

“I’m actually on a nature walk. It’s much slower and relaxing than hiking.”

The random pony yelped and trotted away as Sombra threw one of his bed rocks at him. Alone once more, Sombra’s mind whirled as he thought about his final ultimatum.

Three distinct possibilities came to mind.

Give up on his dream of re-entering the Crystal Empire and settle down with somepony; perhaps a mare he’d accidentally bump into at a public market and later have two and-a-half foals with. Naturally, a three-bedroom cottage with white picket fence would follow suit. To pay for it all, he’d get a job as a door-to-door carrot peeler salespony. One that had a secret drinking problem to deal with the monotony.

Suicide. (Basically, the same as option one.)

Finally get back inside his Empire.

The correct choice seemed clear. Somehow, someway, King Sombra was going to get back inside his Empire today.

***

Sitting outside the east gate to the Crystal Empire, Sombra gently set down his set of bongo drums and gave them a light tap to ensure they were in tune. He smiled at the result. Both sounded bland and annoying—the way bongos were meant to sound.

With that out of the way, he quickly got to work, banging on both as hard as he could.

“I don’t wanna work!” he sang. “I just wanna bang on my drum all day!”

A minute of terrible bongos passed. Then two. And yet not a single pony or guard poked their head out from the Empire or glared down at him from its icy railings.

Not being allowed back inside his own Empire was one thing, but being ignored completely?

Sombra growled deep in his throat. “Hey! Hey! Someone inside there better pay attention to me! I had to steal these bongos, you know! And carry them all the way here! I don’t own a cart!”

Only a faint, chilly breeze greeted him following this outburst. Somewhere deep inside the Empire, he could barely hear the sounds of some rumbling construction equipment.

Sombra’s ears fell flat. “What the heck is going on here?”

“I’m not sure, but I definitely need in,” a wispy voice said.

Sombra turned and had to double-blink from the sight; there was just too much black against a mostly white backdrop for his eyes to handle. His first thought was of himself as a mare—a mare full of holes. (More holes than mares usually had, mind you.)

Sombra tapped on his chin in thought. “You look familiar. Did I steal your bongos earlier today?”

The lithe black figure gave him the smallest of grins. “Charmed. I’m Queen Chrysalis, former ruler of the changeling hive, here to seek another place to call home. Possibly rule over. We’ll see once I take a look around.”

Sombra raised a brow. “What’s a changglereer?”

In a whoosh of green light, Queen Chrysalis erupted into flames and returned as a perfect King Sombra replica, complete with identical confused expression.

“What’s a changglereer?” she asked in a mocking, high-pitched tone.

“I do not sound like that!” Sombra roared, before instantly calming. “But I sure do look like that. Give us a spin, will you? I’ve never seen myself from behind before.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and quickly returned back to her original form.

An awkward moment passed before Sombra asked another awkward question.

“You look like you’d taste like black licorice. If I licked you, would you taste like black licorice?”

Queen Chrysalis stood stock still. “Please don’t lick me.”

Ignoring her clear discomfort, Sombra turned back to the Empire and sighed. “Well, good luck getting in there, Queen whoever you are. I’ve been trying for months to get back inside and they haven’t budged an inch. And I used to own the damn place! I carved my initials on a bedpost and everything.” He angled his head to her. “And, no offense, from one black furred ne’er-do-well to another, they don’t let just anypony in. Might as well just leave before you embarrass yourself.”

“Is that Queen Chrysalis down there?” a familiar voice rang.

Both Sombra and Chrysalis glanced up to find Princess Cadence staring down at them. In the course of a half-second, her expression went from puzzlement to pure joy.

“How have you been, Chrysalis? Long time no see!” she happily called.

“I’ve been well,” Chrysalis replied, right before Sombra painfully poked her in the shoulder with a hoof.

He got right up in her face. Kissing distance close. “You know Cadence? How?”

Chrysalis shrugged. “I may or may not have kidnapped and imprisoned her while pretending to be her during her Canterlot wedding to Shining Armor. Sadly, I was busted at the very last minute by friendship and love, but mostly the fact that I’m not all that great of an actress.”

Sombra’s jaw went slack. “You almost got married to Shining Armor? Lucky.”

Then he rethought that.

“I mean… you almost took over Canterlot? Lucky. So, why is Cadence treating you so nice now? You tried to ruin her wedding and steal her husband! I just tried to enslave an entire race! On a scale of bad to worse, you’re totally worse.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Chrysalis replied, chewing on her tongue, “forgive and forget. Water under the bridge. Time heals all wounds. Other greeting card messages.”

Sombra snorted. “Regardless of all that, you’re still not getting in there.”

“What are you two talking about?” Cadence asked from atop the wall.

Chrysalis turned. “Nothing. Just thought I might’ve lost my manebrush somewhere inside the Crystal Empire is all.”

“Oh? I could always look around for it.”

“Or I could come inside and look for it with you,” Chrysalis said, tipping Sombra an overly large wink.

Cadence paused. “Not still evil and in search of power, are you, Chrysalis?”

Chrysalis gasped. “Who? Me? Still evil? After having lost everything I’ve ever loved and cherished due to all you colorful ponies? Nope. Just here for my manebrush.” She tipped Sombra another wink. In plain sight of everyone.

“Let me think for a moment,” Cadence said, causing Sombra’s eyes to bug out.

“ARE YOU SERIOUS!?” he shrieked. “She literally winked twice right in front of you! Obviously, she’s still evil! Cadence! Don’t be a fool now! Don’t jeopardize the Empire!”

“Yeah,” Cadence admitted, “but she did say she wasn’t evil anymore, so…”

“Ever heard of a lie before, Cadence? Ponies lie! All the time!”

Cadence glanced from Sombra to Chrysalis and back. “But… just look at that trusting face. I think she’s learned her lesson, don’t you?”

Sombra turned and found a snarling, snapping Queen Chrysalis with drool dripping down her lips; her eyes were deep, dark pools of pure madness and vengeance. And that’s saying something coming from someone like Sombra.

Closing his eyes and counting to ten, Sombra could barely keep his hooves from shaking. “Okay. Okay! Clearly, I must’ve caught you on idiot day. But that’s cool. That’s alright. Maybe I can use this to my advantage.” He cleared his throat and stood up straight. “Princess Cadence, I too have left my manebrush inside and would like to search for it. Please.”

“Umm,” Cadence said to herself. “But your mane’s perfect the way it is, Sombra. Chrysalis, you can come in. But only for a moment, remember.”

“Sure thing!” Chrysalis said with snapping jaws, her eyes twitching spastically. “You c-can trust m-me!”

Something inside Sombra’s brain snapped. He had to get out of there or risk further brain damage. Stat.

Once inside the Empire, Queen Chrysalis dropped her ruse and greeted Cadence as his real form: Thorax. He sheepishly rubbed at the back of his neck as his cheeks burned bright.

“How did I do?” he asked Cadence after a quick hug.

“You did great.”

“I feel terrible about it, though. That was sort of mean, wasn’t it?”

Now Cadence’s cheeks burned crimson. She glanced away. “I know. Maybe we went too far on that one. But we just need to distract him a little longer and then it’ll all be over. I’m sure he’ll understand. In time. Maybe.”

Thorax nodded. “Need help with anything else while I’m here?”

Cadence smiled. “Grab a box.”

***

After eating some snow to clear his heated head, Sombra took a walk around the Empire walls. It gave him time to think and realize something rather important—something obvious that perhaps he should’ve tried long ago.

The front door. Or gate, if you wanted to get technical about it. One he had yet to try.

Sombra had always known the Crystal Empire to be a popular place—far, far more popular following his defeat and after all those new ponies took over. But even he had to admit what he was witnessing to be a bit much.

“What the heck is going on here?” he asked no one in particular.

Surrounding the Empire’s front gate was hundreds, if not thousands, of ponies from all across Equestria, happily chatting and slowly shuffling inside. Very few paid Sombra any mind. Most likely because he’d donned a dark robe he’d nabbed out of somepony’s saddlebag when they weren’t looking.

He snickered to himself as he got in line and took a single step forward.

How easy it was! This whole time! All he had to do to get back inside his Empire was visit his Empire like any old tourist jerk. Still, he was curious about something.

Carefully, he nudged the pony beside him. “Hey! Yo! Why so many ponies here? This normal turnout?” He lowered his voice a few notches to disguise it. Then stopped when he realized only a hooful of ponies had actually ever heard him speak before.

The pony he nudged stared at him as if he just ate a foal. “Really? You joking? You know this is the last day, right?”

Sombra’s mouth went dry. Had his plan been discovered after all? Thwarted before it’d even begun? “The last day?”

To the sides of the giant crowd pulled up a massive carriage. Then another. And another.

Underneath his robe, Sombra winced. “Just what the heck is going—”

Dun-duh-duh-dun!

A blaring trumpet tune pulled at his attention. As did the crowds, who collectively yelled and stomped their hooves in celebration. Someone was exiting the Empire.

“Alright! I didn’t miss it!” the pony to Sombra’s side exclaimed.

“Miss what?” Sombra asked.

“The King Sombra show, obviously! They do it every hour, on the hour for waiting guests. Never been here before, bro?”

“Not since they ruined it,” Sombra muttered to himself.

Sombra had to lift himself on to his back legs in order to see what happened next. In retrospect, he should’ve just kept his head down and ignored everything.

Performing cartwheel after cartwheel, a pony dressed in a puffy King Sombra-like mascot costume shot out of the gate and immediately struck a pose before the screaming crowd.

“Go get ‘em, Sombra!”

“We believe in you, King Sombra!”

“Why are your peanuts so expensive?” the crowd cried as he posed.

After that, the fake Sombra got right into his routine, using pre-recorded audio tracks to react to. He started with asking to be let back inside the Crystal Empire before swiftly being denied. He then asked the watching audience if he should give up or continue. One could only guess the response.

“Keep going, Sombra! You can do it! I know you can!”

With newfound energy, the fake Sombra grabbed a nearby pogo stick and began bouncing on it. The skit ended shortly after with him crashing into the Empire wall, less than six feet off the ground. The crowd laughed and clapped as he failed.

Sombra growled in the thick of cheering ponies. “I didn’t even try that! That never even happened!”

Next, the fake Sombra got to his knees and asked the blank wall, “It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?” The growing crowd only continued to eat up every last word and stunt.

“Okay,” Sombra admitted apprehensively, “I might’ve tried that last one.”

Suddenly, Sombra was bumped from behind as the line shoved forward. Missing a step, he could feel someone’s hoof on the edges of his robe. He cursed under his breath as he was bumped once more and his makeshift disguise fell to the snow.

The large crowd quieted at once. Even the fake Sombra took off his large Sombra head to stare, revealing a sweaty, pimply teenage pony underneath.

Sombra gulped and moved not an inch. He could feel the thousands of eyes upon him. If he was going to be torn apart by an angry crowd, he might as well take the time to think of some truly fitting final words.

“Stop,” was one that came to mind.

“Cut it out,” was another. “I like being whole.”

Before he settled on, “I regret around seventy-five percent of this.”

But King Sombra was not about to be violently murdered that day. In fact, quite the opposite. In the midst of the recently hushed crowd, a lone filly marched towards him.

She angled her head up, massive eyes shimmering. “Could I take a picture with you?”

The next thing he knew, Sombra was holding that very same child on his shoulder as her father hurriedly snapped a picture of them both. Then Sombra posed for another photo. And another. And another. And another. And—

“I can’t believe it’s the real Sombra!” someone shouted. “Much shorter in real life. And where’s that cool cape of his?”

The ponies closely circling Sombra were nearly knocked to the ground as a family of tourists trotted to greet him. On each and every head was a foam crown and fake curved horn—more than likely what the Crystal Empire gift shop sold.

“King!” the lead one yelled. “Picture? Autograph?”

Sombra remained outside the front gate for another twenty minutes, taking pictures and signing autographs to anyone that asked. Clearly, most ponies had forgotten his troubled past by this point and had now learned of him as something completely different in recent years. The loveable goof, Sombra mused sourly.

Still, this wasn’t getting him anywhere fast. And by the time he would manage to crawl his way to the front of the line, the sun would have set and the day would be done.

It was clear it was time to move on.

***

King Sombra stood before the wooden door, uncertain. He’d recalled a similar time not so long ago that Twilight Sparkle had offered him entry inside and his own nerves had gotten the better of him. So, what made his time so different?

First starters, Sombra was standing before one of the many secret entrances to his Crystal Empire. He’d visited each of them often during his quest; usually finding guards stationed at each around the clock. But now? Not a single guard in sight. Only a bit of parchment stuck to the door reading “BRB”.

Sombra was confused. Was it a warning to all those that may enter?

Better run, buddy?

But today was different and Sombra could sense it. It was now or never, he felt.

Taking a breath, he shoved against the door, preparing to find it locked… only to find it slide inward at once. He hitched in a breath and continued in, barely controlling nerves pulsing with anticipation.

On the other side of the door was a market square. Dozens upon dozens of ponies marched to and fro, most carrying heavy boxes either on their backs or hovering in their magical aura. Those that weren’t busily moving things around trotted across the market, taking in the scenery as fast as their heads could turn or buying fresh popcorn or souvenirs from what vendors were still open.

As much as Sombra wanted to comment on the current state of his Empire—as well as why everypony seemed to be carrying a whack-load of boxes for some reason—one large, looming fact was too much to keep sealed within his mouth.

“I DID IT!” Sombra screamed. “I MADE IT BACK INSIDE!”

From one shell-shocked pony to the next he galloped to, shaking their hooves for some reason while yelling their faces. Spit included.

“You all thought I couldn’t do it!” he continued. “You all thought I was never going to get back in, didn’t you? Well, who’s laughing now? Me! That’s who! Ha-ha-ha! He-he-he! That’s the sound of laughter, you simpletons! And it was so easy! I barely even had to try!”

His words caught in his throat as he noticed somepony across the market; someone rather tall and blue, with a shimmering mane.

“Almost… too easy?” he questioned himself.

The large blue alicorn came to him, regarding him uncertainly.

Sombra asked her, “You’re not the pony I stole those bongos from, are you?”

She shook her head gravely. “Afraid not, Sombra. I am Princess Luna, ruler of the night and of the dream world. And now I must ask you to—”

“Dream world?” Sombra spat, pupils shrinking to the size of pinpricks. “Now I know why you seem so familiar.” He glanced from side to side, bits of sweat flying off his mane as he quivered in a breath. “This is all a dream, isn’t it? All of it!” He faced Luna again, a mixture of disgust and sorrow on his face. “How could you? To torment me like this? Haven’t I been through enough?”

Luna held up a hoof. “Sombra. Stop. Let me explain.”

Luna’s words did little to soothe him as he ran from one corner of the market to the next. “How can this be a dream if everything seems so real? The ponies? The dirt? The stands?” He hurriedly sniffed at the air. “The food?” He then snatched up a random pony’s hot pretzel and took a bite. “How can this taste so good and yet not be real? You’re a monster, blue pony! An evil, big blue monster!”

And, so, Sombra left. But not before stealing another three hot pretzels from various shoppers.

Once gone, Princess Luna closed the secret entrance to the Empire and locked it. She sighed out. “That was close. Who was in charge of this entrance today? Today of all days?”

A turquois pegasus stumbled out of a nearby hay pile, yawning and rubbing at his eyes. “Zephyr Breeze, reporting for duty, Princess! Did I miss something? I sort of blinked too hard earlier today while on guard and got a little tired, so I… decided to take a nap.”

Luna glared at him. Stone faced.

“Why are you staring at me like that? Is my mane messy from the hay?”

The glaring intensified.

“Does this mean I don’t get paid? Hey. I left a note on the door. It’s not my fault he didn’t read it.”

The glaring intensified even further. Alicorn level glaring.

Zephyr Breeze gulped. “Okay, well. Good talk. Nice chat. I’m going to, uhh… run away now. Sound good?”

***

“Well, now I’ve seen everything,” Sombra said as he greeted the last “guard” in his path.

Once exiting from Princess Luna’s nightmare by running face first into a tree in the forest, Sombra had returned to the Empire and selected yet another hidden entrance at random. This one came with one guard and one guard only; not even a very impressive guard at that, standing less than a foot tall and probably weighing as much as a bag of marshmallows.

“Som-som,” Flurry Heart said, pointing her short spear at him before sticking her tongue out and blowing a raspberry. She shook her head from side to side. No entry, bud.

“Is that so?” Sombra questioned, lowering himself to her. He softly tapped on her “guard” uniform—discovering it all to be plastic and thin. Even the spear was made of soft rubber.

He smiled at her brightly. “Can you perhaps tell me just what’s going on around here? No guards stationed anywhere. More tourists than normal entering and exiting my Empire. Giant carriages parked outside. Was there a memo I missed out on?”

Flurry Heart poked him in the snout with her spear and blew another raspberry. “Som-som!”

“You want a fight, Sour Tart? Truly? You dare challenge the likes of me?” Sombra asked her with a smirk. “I don’t think you’d come out alive, little one. How about a round of patty-cake instead? Fighting just sounds tiring right now. It has been a long day, so far. Longer than most.”

Taking a seat on the cool ground next to her, Sombra played three rounds of patty-cake with the alicorn before Flurry Heart got too worked up and ended up smashing her hooves against his, causing Sombra to wince from the pain and wave his hoof in the air. Flurry Heart only giggled richly.

“Oh, right,” Sombra said snidely. “You like seeing me in pain, don’t you? You sadomasochist in training. You’re oddly strong. Stupid alicorn strength and all that, I suppose. How many cribs have you broken apart so far? A hundred? Do your parents have to order special diapers just for you? Ones made out of steel, perhaps?”

Clearly, Flurry Heart wasn’t hearing a word; with her own hoof in her mouth, she’d closed her eyes and curled into a ball on the ground. It seemed patty-cake had worn her out.

Sombra waited a moment, watching her sleep soundly. It calmed him at once. Then it made him feel drowsy and weak. It had been a long day, after all. Maybe a nap would do him some good. Just a quick one, though. Then he’d get back inside his Empire, once and for all.

“Ten minutes, tops,” he told Flurry Heart, sidling up next to her and wrapping a foreleg around her middle. And soon he slept, too. And all became dark.

***

Very dark. Too dark, in fact. He’d totally overslept.

King Sombra awoke sometime in the middle of the night, in the same spot minus Flurry Heart. Where she’d gone, he hadn’t a clue. Lifting his head up, he listened for a sound, anything at all. Even at night he knew the Crystal Empire to be a busy place, guards marching back and forth, bar patrons sluggishly stumbling in the streets in search of a place to crash.

And yet he heard nothing. Not even a lone voice caught in the wind.

And for what felt like the hundredth time that day, he asked himself, “What the heck’s going on around here?” And then he found out.

It took some time, but he marched his way back to the front of the Empire and found not a single pony in sight. The drawbridge was even down, allowing him easy entry. With growing trepidation, he crossed the bridge and entered, keeping his head down and eyes peeled for a trap.

Only none were present. No ponies or guards or anyone, as far as he could see.

“Another dream,” he spat out, before running into a wall headfirst to knock himself awake. He blinked the white dots out of his vision. “Not a dream.”

“Hello?” he asked his empty Empire, as if expecting some reply.

But the reality of the situation seemed clear. He had won. Finally.

King Sombra had made it back inside his Empire.

How? Why? He still wasn’t quite sure, but he could always figure that part out later.

“Because first!” Sombra announced triumphantly. “I’m going to use real toilet paper again!”

Author's Note

This isn't the ending, obviously. But we're getting close.

Maybe two chapters left, depending.

Using... Hey! Where Did Everypony Go?

Following his impromptu re-entry into the Crystal Empire, King Sombra slept in the following morning with a vengeance. Hours ticked by and still he remained in his old, lavish bed. Ten in the morning. Eleven. Noon. It was only when the pain in his back, neck, and sides grew too unbearable did he finally rise to greet the glorious new day.

“Like sleeping on rocks…” he muttered out, as he literally rolled out of bed. Standing again, he glared at his bare stone bed. It had seemed that when the entire population of the Crystal Empire had randomly vacated the place, they had taken absolutely everything with them—bed sheets, pillows, mattresses and anything else of comfort included. During the night, Sombra had made due with a ratty carpet as a blanket and his own hooves as a pillow. For a moment, he pondered if sleeping outside might’ve been more comfortable, but quickly destroyed such negative thoughts.

Had he forgotten where he was? Where he’d been fighting to get back to from the very beginning? Had he already forgotten his victory over all those who thought it near impossible?

Stretching out his sore back, Sombra stood before his old bedroom mirror—cracked and coated with dust. It made sense, though; that entire wing of the Empire’s castle (the wing that Sombra used to call home so many centuries ago) had been sealed away and left completely untouched by Princess Cadence and the rest.

“What’s cooking, good looking?” Sombra asked his smirking reflection.

His smile was short lived, sadly. And it was evident why.

Having spent so many months living out in the woods without running water or proper grooming tools, Sombra’s looks had taken quite the beating. At once, he made a mental note to do some shopping when he got the chance. Including:

Toothbrush

Toothpaste

Shampoo

Conditioner

Mane brush

Mane gel

Back-up bottle of mane gel

Mini back-up bottle of mane gel to keep in a saddlebag

With that mental list out of the way, Sombra turned to his nearby walk-in closet and ran a hoof across the seven dozen nearly identical red capes. Feeling bold on his first day back, he selected the cranberry red one and slapped it over his shoulders, shuddering as it ran down his back. All he needed now was a crown, but obviously that could wait. Because first…

Clap-clap-clap!

Sombra loudly clapped two hardened hooves together.

“Slave!” he bellowed out. “Breakfast! Now! Two eggs in a basket, right this instant! With coffee! As black as my soul! And don’t you dare forget the cartoon section of the newspaper for my enjoyment!”

Sombra waited. Then waited some more. Then placed a hoof on his forehead to try and stop his brain from escaping his skull due to his overwhelming stupidity.

“Oh… right,” he said sourly. “The mass exodus of my entire Empire. Very well. Carrying on.”

Minutes later, Sombra sat himself at a rather familiar looking kitchen table, surrounded by rather familiar kitchen objects. Only difference was the complete lack of servants or food. Carefully checking each cabinet for edibles, Sombra settled on a box of expired Pretty Princess cereal while skipping out on the milk—milk that had solidified some weeks ago, forgotten at the back of the fridge.

Again, Sombra clapped two hooves together.

“Slave! Procure more groceries right this instant!”

Rather than strike his forehead again, Sombra ate half of his bowl of old, dry cereal. It truly felt like punishment enough. Then came the idea. The rather brilliant idea, Sombra thought.

***

At the gates of the Crystal Empire, Sombra stood and smiled at the sign he had nailed to the gate.

“SLAVES WANTED!” the poster read in fat, cartoonish font—the best Sombra could muster holding a black marker between two hooves. In smaller text, it continued: “Think you’ve got what it takes in the competitive world of forced hard labour? Enjoy being ridiculed and yelled at? Pushed around? Bullied? Possibly whipped for disobedience or simply because your King feels like it? Know how to properly feed a pony strawberries in bed? Then it sounds like being one of King Sombra’s personal slaves is the right career choice for you!”

Reading over the top-half of his poster, Sombra sighed in content. “And now to wait for the slaves to roll in…”

“Hey!” a deep voice blurted from behind him. “You Sombra?”

Sombra turned with a grin. His first slave had arrived far faster than he’d thought.

“Why, yes. Yes, I am,” Sombra greeted pleasantly. “Here for the slave position?”

The stallion stared at him quizzically. Around his chest was a safety vest and on his head was a hardhat. “Actually, I’m looking for the new construction site. Supposed to be around here somewhere.”

Sombra raised a curious brow. “More construction? I don’t recall ordering anything else. One theater, one amusement park, and one bar proved expensive enough. You sure you’re not here for the open slave job? Only two years of slave experience required.”

The stallion in the hardhat snorted. “What’s the retirement package like?”

“Retirement upon death,” Sombra replied earnestly. “Say… know how to make crepes?”

The stallion stood motionless.

“Eggs in a basket, perchance?”

Not a word from the stallion.

“Toast? Hold the butter?”

Scratching at the back of his neck, the stallion told Sombra, “You know what? It’s not too cold out here. I can walk for a bit. Plus, I hear this new job is a whole lot bigger than most. I’m sure I’ll find it eventually.” He paused, searching for words. “You take care. Doing… whatever this is.”

The stallion marched on. But not before Sombra got the last word.

“Fine! Be that way! Miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime! You’re hardly slave material anyways! All big and muscular? You’d probably make terrible crepes! Crushing them under your clumsy, giant hooves!”

Only once the stallion was out of earshot and far into the distance (and was that a new structure Sombra could just barely glimpse over there?), did he finally sink into the snow with a pout. Sure, he had his Empire back and that alone was swell and all. But an Empire wholly empty of food, ponies, or comfort? Well, that was just… let’s just call it un-swell.

“I wonder what Cadence is up to,” Sombra muttered aloud. “Or Flurry Heart. Or even Shining. I bet they had a nice warm breakfast this morning.”

Then he shook his head as if a different version of Sombra had taken hold.

“What the heck am I saying! I hate those three! They’re the main reason I couldn’t get back in here to begin with! Screw them! Screw them all! And screw Shining the hardest!”

Storming back inside his Empire, Sombra trotted towards the only place he thought might cheer him up that day.

***

Sombra stood outside Crazy Carl’s Ice Cream Shack and was momentarily surprised by how little it had changed. While the rest of Sombra’s Empire had normally been all doom and gloom, his personal ice cream parlor remained bright and colorful. Perhaps that was just Sombra’s crutch from the get-go—cold ice cream treats to help cool his heated temper. The poster tacked to the window always helped. The one reading: “Kings eat free! Everyday!” And next to that: “Slaves don’t eat! Ever!”

Pushing open the door, Sombra noted the entrance bell softly jingling above him. Pure nostalgia, he thought.

Regretfully, that’s where the nostalgia trip ended, as the inside of the Shack was mostly dirty and deserted, chairs and tables flipped over while the counter remained uncleaned and overwhelmed with leftover dishes. With a shrug, Sombra took his usual stool at the counter and waited to be served.

And, oddly enough, somepony actually showed.

Slowly, Sombra glanced from side to side, unsure of what he was seeing. He recalled the original Crazy Carl (the owner of this namesake), and this certainly wasn’t him. Truthfully, it looked just like Sombra, but in a red-and-white striped shirt with matching hat, and with a smile thin enough to be called malnourished.

Weirdness, creepiness, craziness aside… Sombra still wanted some ice cream.

“Hey, Carl,” Sombra began calmly enough. “Little slow today, isn’t it?”

“That it is, Mr. Sombra,” the Carl that looked exactly like Sombra replied.

And after one pregnant pause.

“How are things going, Mr. Sombra?”

“Things could be a whole lot better, Carl. They really could,” Sombra reflected. “I mean… I got a whole Empire to myself and somehow, I’m still unhappy? What gives?”

Carl raised both brows. “Perhaps some ice cream might help. What’ll it be, Mr. Sombra?”

Sombra thought on that. “Two scoops of the Crunchy King’s Classic. Better yet. Just leave the container on the counter with a spoon. I’m all alone now, right? So, who cares if I get fat. Black is still slimming, isn’t it?”

“Right as always, Mr. Sombra.”

And as if pulling off some elaborate magic trick, a container of Sombra’s favorite ice cream teleported onto the counter. Sombra got to munching it down instantly, only pausing for air or to toss away the spoon when he found it inferior to his hungrily snapping jaws.

Sombra only ceased eating when an ice cream headache formed. Holding two hooves to his temples, he closed his eyes and growled out in pain. And as quickly as it arrived, it disappeared. Almost too fast.

“Thanks, Carl. That really hit the spot,” Sombra said, before reopening his eyes.

He was alone. Not another soul in the shop. He glanced down and found the remains of a discarded ice cream container covered in dust and dirt—exactly what he now tasted inside his mouth. Had he imagined everything? Including the conversation with Crazy Carl? Again, he glanced down, this time discovering the red-and-white stripped shirt around his chest. He’d been having an entire conversation with himself before dining on dust and dirt.

Solemnly, Sombra sat back on his stool. “I’ve completely lost my mind.”

Then he stared out the window to watch the sun in the sky.

“And I only got out of bed three hours ago.” A pause. “I wonder if that’s a new record.”

While staring out the window, Sombra recalled the new construction job close by.

Obviously, there’d be ponies there, he thought strangely.

***

“Could you please leave?” the mare holding the hammer asked. “Don’t make us get the supervisor.”

From the moment Sombra had arrived at the ginormous construction site, he’d been carefully eyeing up the workers there for potential slaves. Thus far, very few were biting. Technically, zero were biting. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t soldier on anyways.

“But look at those strong forelegs of yours,” Sombra continued in an awestruck tone, “perfect for back massages. By the way, do you know how to make souffles? The kind with cheese inside?”

The worker held up her hammer. “No, but I do know how to bash your head in with this.”

Sombra furrowed his brows. “But that’s not really a job requirement. And I haven’t even mentioned what I’m willing to pay you to be one of my slaves.”

“Which is?”

Sombra smiled. “One compliment per year. Here’s a few good examples: Good job! Nice work! Congrats on surviving another year under my rule!”

The mare glanced at her nearby coworkers. “Okay, someone hold him down. I’m gonna see how much of this hammer I can shove down this idiot’s throat before he shuts up.”

But before any hammer action could occur, a familiar voice spoke.

“Any particular reason construction has stopped?”

Sombra spun around, eyes going wide. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was happy or angered by the reveal. A little of both, perhaps?

“C-cadence?” he coughed. “What are you doing here?”

She glanced at the immense structure beside her. Its base must’ve stretched on for miles around—at least a thousand workers working on it from end to end. “Overseeing all this, clearly. And please, please tell me you don’t want inside this one, too.”

Sombra grimaced. “Inside what? This outline of a building?”

“Seriously, Sombra? None of this seems familiar to you?”

Sombra chewed on his tongue. “Should it? I mean… is this Celestia’s new throne room or something? Seems about big enough for her.”

Choosing to ignore the slight, Cadence instead rolled her eyes. “We’re rebuilding the Crystal Empire, Sombra. I thought that would’ve been obvious to you, seeing how much you love the place.”

Sombra’s mouth hung limp. “Rebuilding? Umm… hello, Princess? Have your brains turned to mashed potatoes? There already is a Crystal Empire! I was just there! It’s totally cool and everything! It even has a spooky ice cream shop inside!”

Cadence glared at him. “And yet you’re forgetting one very important difference between these two Empires.”

“Yours has an ice rink? I was always pondering ordering my slaves to build one. For my own personal use, of course.”

Cadence sighed out. “The difference is you, Sombra. Only you.” She held a hoof out towards the original Empire. “You finally have your old Empire back and eventually we will have our own. I know it took some time to finally figure things out and come to a unanimous decision, but… basically, you wore us down. Wore us all down, honestly. Neither Shining nor I could focus on running the Empire while you continually pestered us… so this was the eventual ultimatum we came up with.”

Sombra chuckled richly to himself, viewing the millions and millions worth of work that was about to be erected right in front of him. And all because of him, too. “Never thought of just killing me? I told you I was serious when I said I wanted back inside.”

“I think there’s a rather large difference between someone that’s annoying versus someone worthy of being killed.” Cadence paused. “You might not realize it yourself, Sombra, but you’re definitely not as wicked as you used to be. Or would like to be. Whether that has anything to do with your original defeat, I really don’t know.”

Cocking his head to the side, Sombra told her, “Me? Not evil enough for you? I’m still bad to the bone, baby. Vile. Nasty. Horrible. Disgusting.” Then he stopped as he noticed something. “Speaking of babies, is that Flurry Heart on your back? What’s the little darling been up to lately?”

Indeed, it was the big-headed baby; as Sombra’s pulled a goofy face while approaching.

Flurry Heart had her own expression to show. One of unmitigated sadness.

A single tear rolled down one chubby baby cheek. “Som-som…” Even her trademark name for him came out quiet and overall miserable.

Sombra turned back to Cadence. “What’s wrong with the kid? She just realize she has a fifty percent chance of inheriting Shining’s mediocre looks?”

Again, Cadence sighed. “You really don’t understand how much entire Empire’s cost, do you?”

“Around six slaves a day?”

“Let me do the math for you, Sombra. Recall the time you took us to court and got more than a chunk of the Empire’s total funds?”

Sombra lightly tapped on his chin. “I vaguely recall a situation like that. But you deserved it! Spilling all my secrets like you had in that tell all book! I was going to take my favorite color to the grave, darn you!”

“Black is a shade, Sombra, not a colour. But regardless, losing that amount of bits hurt us. Bad. You may have noticed our King Sombra mascot dancing around during the last few weeks we remained at the Empire. Oddly enough, word of your attempts to re-enter the place had spread well across Equestria, making ponies want to visit us more than ever. Hopefully, we’ll be able to capitalize on that success here, too.”

Sombra barked out a laugh. “Without the real Sombra, you mean? Good luck.”

“Yes. Although, our mascot has proven rather successful with children.”

“You kidding? The real Sombra is great with kids! I once told a kid to shut up and he actually did! I couldn’t hear a peep through all the duct tape covering his mouth!”

Cadence continued as if she hadn’t heard that. “Yet even with all the extra tourists, that still leaves us in mountains of debt. Centuries worth of it.” She turned to Flurry Heart, then. “That’s why Flurry’s acting like she is. I just taught her the meaning of ‘debt’ this morning, and that she might spend her whole life paying this place off. Hopefully she’ll cheer up after nap time. Unless…”

“Unless what?” Sombra asked. “You sort of left your sentence dangling there.”

“Unless you can think of a more amicable way of dealing with all this.”

Sombra narrowed his eyes at her. “Amic… what? Stop using big words, Cadence. You know how much they scare me. That’s still the only reason I haven’t visited Constantinople yet.”

“Fine. Let me clarify. Can you possibly think of a simpler solution to all this? Perhaps one that could benefit both parties?”

For the longest time, Sombra pondered to himself; his eyes drifting to the hundreds of busy workers; to Cadence and to Flurry Heart, their shimmering eyes almost begging for a response. Then he turned and stared at his own tall Empire in the distance, empty and cold, boring and stagnant. Yet his all the same. Because he’d won. Cadence had said so herself.

And perhaps that was the most important revelation of them all.

“Nah. I’m good,” Sombra said, strolling back towards his castle. “Screw you guys, because I’m going home. I can actually say that now, isn’t that weird? My home! My precious!”

“Not lonely in there? All by yourself?” Cadence called.

Sombra forced a laugh. “What? Think I’ll go stir-crazy in there? I’ll be fine! I only pretended to be another pony and ate dirt this very morning! Can’t get any crazier than that, can I?”

And as much as Sombra wanted to laugh away all his rising doubt, one image seemed practically burned inside his head. That of one very sad, very teary-eyed Flurry Heart.

Author's Note

One last chapter to go.

This must be the very first multi-chapter comedy I've done that hasn't taken a 180 into dark territory at some point. Unless... the last chapter?

Nah. It's still safe.