Discord Pays Compensation To The Entire State Of New Jersey

by Mr. Grimm

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2223

Discord is reunited with his long-lost son, the Jersey Devil.

Discord is awoken once again by the Princesses when they find out about his estranged son, Smith J. Leeds--Better known to humanity as the Jersey Devil. Now the Draconequus is being held responsible for all the trouble his demonic spawn has caused in the past two-hundred years.

Rated T for language.

Published 2012-07-05 22:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-05 22:34:01 UTC

A Blast From The Past

Discord sat before the two princesses, his head resting in his lion’s paw. The Alicorn Sisters regarded him with condescending eyes, which was understandable given the information they’d learned the day before.

“Discord,” Celestia said, her tone accusing and serious, “We are going to tell you right now that you are only going to be free until this issue is resolved.” Discord sighed, and rolled his eyes.

“I figured that,” huffed the Draconequus, “Seeing as you only bothered to free my upper half.” He reached down and tapped his leg with his avian talon. It thudded quietly against the white stone that made up his lower torso. “So what is it that you two want?”

“We have received some very interesting information about you,” Luna said as she gave him a glare.

“Oh?” responded Discord, feigning interest, “What might it be about?”

“We know about your son.” The moment the words left Celestia’s mouth, Discord’s yellow eyes bugged out of his skull. The Draconequus hastily collected himself, clearing his throat and clasping his claws.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he sputtered as a crooked, nervous grin spread across his muzzle. Celestia’s hard stare gave way to a small smile. That little, knowing smile terrified the Draconequus far more than it should have.

“I thought you wouldn’t,” said the Alicorn, “So we’ve brought you a little something to refresh your memory.” She looked at Luna, who now bore the same smile as her sister. They looked to the entrance as the double doors were flung open, revealing a sight that turned the spirit of disharmony pale. There, standing between two burly unicorn guards, weighted down by chains, was a gray, pony-sized creature that bore a chillingly vague resemblance to Discord.

He was thin and lithe, almost emaciated, and stood on the hind-legs of a horse. A long rat-like tail whipped angrily back and forth behind him. Tucked close to his barrel chest were two strange forelimbs that ended in finger-like claws. Folded on his back was a pair of ragged bat’s wings. The creature’s head was that of a horse, adorned with the horns of a goat. Right below his fang-filled mouth, a tangled goat’s beard grew from his muzzle. The bizarre and somewhat demonic creature snapped and snarled at his captors, occasionally snorting quick jets of flame as he frantically flapped his wings.

Discord stared in horror at the bizarre beast, which, upon seeing him, stopped its animalistic behavior.

“The Hell’s that?!” he cried in a voice that seemed to be composed of the shrieks and roars of various animals.

“That’s Discord,” Celestia said slowly, as if addressing someone who spoke a different language. The Draconequus sweat nervously as the creature squinted at him with glowing eyes.

“Looks like me a bit,” he gurgled in his horrid voice, “’cept it’s uglier.” Discord would have normally taken offense at such a comment, but given the situation he decided it would be best if he kept his mouth shut.

“Would you mind addressing yourself?” suggested Luna, “Discord doesn’t seem to remember you.” The creature snapped his jaws angrily in her direction, causing the lunar princess to step back. All the same, he did grant her request.

“Smith J. Leeds,” he grunted, “Think that’s what they called me ’fore they ran me out the chimney.” Discord winced at the name Leeds, but remained silent. Celestia moved in closer as she asked another question.

“So then, Smith,” said the white Alicorn, “Do you know why you’re here?” The creature made a sound like a horse having its throat cut.

“You said my father’s here,” he growled. He paused, then looked back at Discord with a fiery glare. “That thing supposed to be him?” Celestia nodded slowly. The unicorn guards were suddenly straining themselves to hold back the beast as he flew into a horrible rage. He snapped several of his chains as he tore at them with adrenaline fueled claws. His whole body was suddenly illuminated with a bright, greenish-yellow light as he tried to take to the air and attack the Draconequus.

“Deadbeat bastard!” he roared at Discord, his words coupled with tongues of fire leaping from his mouth. A stream of other unspeakable words followed, but they mostly sounded like a group of bobcats howling with a pack of wolves. Discord winced at each noise, clearly miserable as could be, but he took some small pride in the shocked reactions made by Celestia and her sister. However, the creature soon tired and fell back to the earth with a thud, the near-blinding light leaving his body.

“P-please, contain yourself,” Luna said in an uncharacteristically meek voice. Smith told her to go do something very inappropriate, and the indigo Alicorn blushed.

“Mr. Leeds,” Celestia sputtered in an attempt to sound reproaching, “You are in very big trouble as it is. I strongly suggest that you at least try to behave yourself.” She turned to Discord as the creature growled sulkily. “Now then, Discord, we have strong evidence that somehow, during your imprisonment, you managed to travel elsewhere and sire this…thing. Do the words ‘New Jersey’ ring a bell?” Discord frowned in misery. He had been caught.

“Alright,” he sighed, sounding very humbled, “I…may have had a relationship that led to his existence.” Celestia and Luna gave each other a victorious glance.

“Would you care to give us some details about this ‘relationship’?” Luna asked, raising a knowing eyebrow. The Draconequus turned a bright red as he nervously clasped his claws.

“I wasn’t entirely imprisoned,” he said quickly. A small but wry smile appeared on his muzzle. “You may have banished me from Equestria, but you didn’t keep me from going somewhere else.”

“Evidently,” Celestia said flatly, “Now would you please tell us about your experience on the planet called Earth?” Discord’s body writhed uncomfortably.

“I went there by accident,” he blurted, “But it looked interesting, so I decided to stay for a few months. The natives are rather stupid, but their exploits are entertaining.”

“You said you were there for a few months,” said Luna, “How many?”

“Two,” answered the Draconequus, “And before you ask, yes, I disguised myself as a native.”

“What did you do there?” Luna asked with a small smile, “Besides the obvious, we mean.” Discord gave her an irritated look, but continued all the same.

“I stayed with a farming family by the name of…” he paused for a moment, then muttered, “Leeds.” The creature let out a loud growl at the back of the room.

“Why did you stay with them?” asked Celestia. Discord blushed, but his tone was one of annoyance.

“Well, I didn’t know it until sometime after I turned into one,” he sighed, “But apparently the natives--humans, as they call themselves--are constantly thinking about reproduction. It was, I must admit, one the things about them that both fascinated and repulsed me. I thought I was safe from it until I saw Deborah.” Discord’s yellow eyes seemed to soften as he donned a wistful look. “She was quite a looker. You could hardly tell she’d had twelve kids.” His face turned redder as he stiffened up. “Did I just say that out loud?”

“Yes, you did as a matter of fact,” said Luna as she and her sister vainly tried to hide their amusement by covering their
smiles. Discord glared at them, but he found it hard to muster up any anger due to the massive amount of shame he was feeling.

“Please, continue,” said Celestia, “What happened next?”

“Why should I?” snapped the Draconequus, “Isn’t it obvious what happened?” Celestia and Luna looked at each other, then back at the creature who was terrorizing the guards by leering at them.

“I suppose we could skip over some of it,” said Luna, “But could you elaborate what happened after the…incident?” The spirit of chaos hung his head, averting his gaze.

“She told me she was pregnant,” he breathed, “And I…well, I left.” For the first time Celestia and Luna saw something on the Draconequus that suggested he felt actual remorse. All the same, in leaving Earth he had left something behind that would haunt humanity for decades to come.

“Discord,” said Celestia, “Do you know how long it has been since you left Earth?”

“Two-hundred and some years,” answered the Draconequus, “Why do you ask?”

“Because in that time Smith has caused a lot of trouble,” said the princess, “While I can understand that you would be afraid to be a father, I am at the same time furious that you would be so irresponsible as to leave behind something that would cause so much terror.” Discord’s ears perked up as he looked back at his snarling spawn.

“Terror?” he muttered. Celestia nodded.

“From the day he was born,” Celestia said with a nod, “He disfigured the midwife and flew up the chimney.”

“And he’s been living in the pine barrens ever since,” added Luna, “But he seems to have inherited your twisted sense of humor.” Discord gulped nervously.

“H-how so?”

“He’s harassed generations of people throughout the entire state of New Jersey,” said Celestia, “Particularly in the Earth Year of 1909. He attacked several people, injured their pets, and caused massive property damage. The humans were afraid to go outside for an entire month.” Discord seemed to put his horror aside and now seemed very interested.

“Anything else?” he asked as he drummed his claws together. Celestia cast a nervous glance back at Smith.

“He’s…carnivorous,” she said quietly, “and his appetite has led him to slaughter and mutilate livestock.” A demented laugh echoed out from Smith’s throat, sounding like a choking cat.

“Dogs taste best,” he cackled, “Big ones put up a helluva fight though.” Discord couldn’t help but smile as he saw the princesses and their guards collectively shudder.

“So,” said Celestia, “It seems fitting, that, given the fact that he is your child, that you be the one to make amends for the damage he’s caused.” Discord crossed his arms and gave the Alicorn a cynical look.

“And how am I supposed to do that?” he said. Luna gave the Draconequus a knowing grin.

“We’ve already figured that out,” said the lunar princess, “Because it would be impossible to find every single person that Smith has harassed, we’ve decided to settle it in a much simpler way. You are going to make a hundred dollar bill appear in every single New Jersey Citizen’s pocket.”

“What if they don’t have any pockets?” Discord asked mockingly.

“You get the idea,” Luna said with a glare. Discord, being an entity of great power, could produce as much of anything as he wanted, thus had no need for money. The task given to him would be quite easy. However, he was annoyed with it all the same.

“And what if I don’t do it?” he said testily.

“Then we’ll turn your body to stone except for you head, then lock you in here with Smith.” Discord considered this alternative as he glanced back at the rabid beast.

“Alright,” he sighed, “I’ll do it.” The Draconequus mentally pictured the task that he wanted to do, and then snapped his fingers. Once it was finished, he turned back to the Alicorns.

“There,” he grumbled, “Are you happy now?”

“Yes,” Celestia said with a nod as she turned to her sister, “Are you ready?” Knowing what they were about to do, Discord was quick to interrupt them.

“Wait!” he cried, “What about him?” He pointed an avian claw at Smith.

“We’re not quite sure about that yet,” said Celestia, “But he will most likely be sent to Tartarus.”

“I ain’t going nowhere,” Smith growled with the tone of an angry grizzly, “If you two jackasses try to make me, I’ll skin the both of you.”

“How dare you talk to their royal highnesses that way!” bellowed a guard as he yanked on one of Smith’s chains. Unfortunately, Smith yanked back, pulling the guard close enough for him to land a kick in a very sensitive between his legs. The beast cackled wildly as the unfortunate unicorn dropped to the ground, writhing in pain. Smith took advantage of his downed captor and kicked him again.

A single fatherly tear rolled down Discord’s cheek as he watched the display of unruly savagery. In that one brief moment, something sparked inside of the Draconequus. He knew what he had to do. Before the Princesses could stop him, Discord reached out snapped his fingers. There was a bright flash of light as Smith disappeared, the chains that once held him falling to the floor with a hollow rattle. Celestia and Luna both wore looks of shock and outrage as they turned to face the spirit of disharmony.

“Did you just do what I think you did?” cried Luna.

“If you’re inferring that I sent Smith home,” Discord said with a satisfied look on his face, “Then yes. He’s back in the pine barrens.”

“You have no idea how hard it was for us to find him!” shrieked Celestia.

“I do,” said Discord, completely uncaring for their concern, “And I doubt that you’ll find him again.” He was suddenly enveloped in a bright, wavering rainbow. When it faded, a stone Draconequus stood there with a knowing smile on his face.