Stuck in a Rainbow

by theRedBrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 10413

Rainbow Dash and some dude named Church switch places. Told from both perspectives.

Recently spruced up! Will be updated weekly.

Hi. Name's Church. I hate ponies. They ruined the internet. But here I am! In the magical land of Whatever-it's-called! Stuck in Rainbow Dash's body, and being tortured with adorableness! MAKE IT STOP!

Sup ponies, I'm the one and only Rainbow Dash! And uhh... I don't even know where I am... and what the hay am I?! Mother of Celestia! I'm a colt!

Rated Teen for swearing and pony hating.

Published 2013-02-13 04:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-11 23:42:57 UTC

Wouldn't be the first time I woke up outside... (Church)

Wouldn't be the first time I woke up outside...

Let's get something straight. I'm not a brony. But a guy can only spend so much time on the internet without being exposed to ponies. I hate all the troll pictures and the bronies trying to get me to join the herd, it just makes me rage! But one day a little troll war with a brony friend of mine from the net went a little too far. Well… we both said things we regret (OK, mostly me), but after that, we made peace with each other, and ever since then I try not to take any of his pony crap to heart. I know he's just fucking with me anyway.

So one day, I'm just hanging out in TeamSpeak, as usual, just talking with my buddies, when one guy puts a tumblr link in the text chat (not the friend I mentioned, by the way). What else is new, right? I'm always getting stupid links from stupid people. The guy who sent it to me is a complete moron. You can't listen to him talk without feeling your intelligence slowly being sucked out of your brain. But at least this link was a little entertaining. It's a little 'game' called 'Birthday Scenario Game – Pony Edition.' At that point, I was completely unfazed by pony shit. Half the people I know on the net are bronies. Anyway this image had a bunch of ponies, one for each day of the month, and then it had a scenario for each month. So you match up the scenario and the pony for your birth month and day, respectively. In my case, it was 'Switch lives with' for June and Rainbow Dash for the 20th. So naturally, I was like 'Wow I get to switch lives with Rainbow Dyke, yay.' Could've been worse, I could have been stuck baking cupcakes with Pinkamena. Oh yes. That's right, I know about Cupcakes. Don't ask me how.

I know what you're thinking right now, if you hate ponies so much, what the hell happened?

Well, I was just at a point where I hated my boring, humdrum life that seemed to be going nowhere fast. So when my birthday came around, only a few days after I got that link, I made use of my birthday wish.

Now normally, I'd just wish for something mundane like happiness or financial stability, because those two seemed to be the most likely to happen. Yea, right… Even as far back as I could remember I've wished for similar things. I never wished for anything insane or outrageous. Hell, I never even wished for toys when I was a kid, at least not that I remember. And I also never got my wishes.

So there I was, birthday cake in front of me, candles lit, ritualistic song being sung, and I was thinking about  what to wish for. Now, I never really believed wishes would come true. I mean let's face it, how many wishes have you made that didn't come true? About all of them? But for some reason, we all do it anyway. I was no exception. I knew… not just believed or thought, I KNEW that none of these wishes would ever come true.

I was staring into the flames of six candles on a delicious-looking chocolate cake. Why six candles I had no idea. I was 19, but I'm guessing it was simply the number that was the most convenient for my mother to stick in the cake. I closed my eyes and, and I figured, 'What the hell, I'll make a stupid wish.'

And so I wished that I could live in a fantasy world. Maybe fight the forces of evil alongside other brave warriors… you know that kinda thing.

It wasn't going to happen anyway. I inhaled. I leaned forward and blew out all the candles in one breath, (You should really be able to do that after doing it so many times, it wasn't exactly a spectacular feat.) But right before I finished… that damn pony game popped into my head, for just a split second. I inhaled again to replace the lost breath, for a second I hesitated, my heart was beating rapidly in my chest, I wondered if my wish might have somehow magically come true, and then I opened my eyes. Instantly my eyes were sparkled by the sight of a beautiful… chocolate cake, and I heard my immediate family clapping half-heartedly. Nothing happened, and I wasn't the least bit surprised. I KNEW nothing would happen, that's exactly why I made that stupid wish.

Later that night, I went to bed, another un-spectacular birthday over, another year closer to death. My mind was plagued with all the things I'd have to do at work the next day. Eventually, sleep took me. 'If I'm lucky,' I thought on the way to dreamland, 'maybe I'll have a good dream.'

Sun is in my eyes. Ow. I hate when this happens. Great! I'm awake… before my alarm went off. Come on! Let me have just a little more juicy sweet sleep! Stupid sun. I'm sleeping and it comes up and shines through my window just to be a dick. Ugh, fine, whatever, might as well get up.

My eyes feel like they’re rolling around in my skull as I try to blink them open. OK, all I see is sky, what the hell is this shit? Meh whatever. Wouldn't be the first time I woke up outside. My brother got drunk one time and dragged me outside while I was asleep, left me on the porch. I look around. Hmm… nothing but clear, blue, EXTREMELY BRIGHT sky. Some clouds over there, a mountain over there, huh, no ground. Why does this kinda crap always happen to me? I’d say this calls for a double facepalm…

Whoa.

Um.

A hoof? Hooves. Horse hooves! No way. Pssh… I must be dreaming. I can't… pinch myself! Yep, definitely dreaming. That's it. Just having a very lucid dream, with ponies, I've been around bronies way too damn long.

I look down at myself. Light blue fur, rainbow tail, hooves. Definitely Rainbow Dyke. Hey, she has wings, right? I always wanted to fly in a dream! I roll over on my bed… er… cloud??… and try to stand up on all four hooves. It feels so strange, but somehow natural at the same time. Seems legit. Anyway, for being made of water vapor, this cloud is really sturdy. It's like I'm standing on a rock. Which is weird, since it felt like nothing when I was laying on it. Friggin’ magical pony cloud.

OK, let's fly! I lean forward to take off, to let the wind take me, to soar among the clouds…

POOF

I fall forward on my face. Soft cloud. I give up! What a shitty dream. I'll just wait for someone to come talk to me. Can’t be long.

Why? Why couldn't I dream of being a fox, or something cool? I'm a goddamn pony. And not just any goddamn pony, the gayest goddamn pony.

30 Minutes Later.

Why couldn't I be a fox…?

"Hi Rainbow Dash!" I hear behind me.

I turn around for a second, but I don't care who it is, I don't want to talk to them. I just grumble something with my mouth closed in response, in the deepest tone I can muster, trying to retain some semblance of my manliness.

"You OK, Rainbow Dash?"

I grumble again, but I forget to deepen my voice, and I yelp in response to hearing that raspy and (questionably) feminine voice.

The other pony lands on my cloud. It's grey and those eyes are a dead giveaway. Derpy. Why do I know this?! Well other than seeing her spammed all over the net, one time I overheard a debate between two brony friends about whether her name was Ditzy or Derpy. The guy who thought it was Derpy seemed to be winning, so let's roll with that. We just stare at each other awkwardly. At least I think she's staring back at me. Hard to tell.

After a while she pipes up, "I was just on the way home from work, I thought I'd check on you." She looks sad.

Well uhhhhh...

"Well uhhhhh..." Still don't know if she's looking at me. "Thanks?" She doesn't look that smart, maybe I could pull one over on her… "Hey, I think I'm coming down with a cold. Can you help me get to the ground?"

"Uhhhh… It's not the feather flu is it?" She asks, reeling back a little and scrunching up her nose.

"Ugh, sure." I hate this voice.

Derpy steps back even further and flies backwards off the cloud. She holds her arm(?) over her nose. "Hang on, I'll be right back!"

I wait.

After a few minutes I see a dark cloud moving towards me. Whatever? It floats right over my head and stops. Derpy appears from behind said cloud, then flies up on top of it where I can't see her. Suddenly the cloud starts shaking violently. I look up…

SPLASH

…only to be drenched by ice cold rain.

Scumbag cloud.

BANG

I jump in surprise as a bolt of lightning shoots (RIGHT NEXT TO ME) from the cloud to the ground.

Derpy flutters back down to my cloud. I give her the dirtiest look I can muster. I hate dreaming.

"OK Rainbow Dash! Let's get you down to the ground!" She flies backwards a bit and then pushes down the cloud I'm on with her arms(?).

I just sit on this cloud, soaking wet, shivering, and generally looking sad all the way to the ground. I had no idea how cold it was up there until I got wet. Hang on… I don't remember feeling this cold in a dream before…

Just as the cloud touches the ground, it poofs into thin air, and I fall a couple feet onto my ass, on the grassy ground.

"Ow."

"There ya go! I'll seeya later!" Derpy waves and flies off.

"Bye…" I say sarcastically. She probably can't hear me by now anyway.

Still sitting on my ass, I look around. I'm in a grassy field with some trees, looks like a forest behind me. Not much else.

Hmm.

Can’t sit here forever, that'd be a boring dream. I have an idea... I'll go into the woods, maybe I'll find someone there!

I stand up and start heading into the woods…

THUNK

…and promptly fall flat on my face after taking the first step. Ah yes, I have four legs now, how easily I forget.

I get up and press a hoof against my sore nose. I have to learn how to walk… again.

Sigh

One hoof in front of the other, first with front legs, then with the back ones. I get the basic walking step down pretty fast, but I still have to pay full attention while working these things.

I trot around in circles in this field. Hmm. 'Trot.' Hmm. I pick up the pace and see if I can manage to run… er… gallop?

I'm running so clumsily on these hooves. Miracle I haven't tripped yet.

SMACK

"Ow. My nose!" I had to say something… didn't I?

Let's see if I can do a buck. Might need to defend myself against fluffy woodland animals. I squat my hind legs and jump with them. I try to kick them back and…

KER-THUNK

"Ow…!" How'd I manage to fall on my face?!

Whatever, fuck it. I'm going in there. BAY LIFE!

I trot (…) gingerly into the woods.

A damp, musty air permeates my nostrils. The woods are getting thicker and it's pretty dark. And now, it smells like shit. A big steaming pile of shit. I hear birds singing, that's good. I walk towards the direction I hear them. The tree cover is so dense here I can barely see my hoof in front of my face (…)

I come up to a small clearing with a little bit of sunlight shining through the leaves. Sure enough, there are a few colorful birds there, singing. Like actually singing, not with words, but not just chirping either. They scatter as I walk into the clearing.

Aw…

I just look around in disappointment. I hear a slight rustle of leaves in the darkness. I look to see a pair of demonic glowing yellow eyes in the shadows.

And growling.

BAY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I run! I run and I run! I try desperately to keep my footing. (Hoofing? AGH! NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT!)

KER-THUNK

"OW!" I tripped over a tree root and scramble to get back on my feet. I catch a glimpse of the beast chasing me. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! It looks like a huge wolf with the oakflesh spell on it!

What? I play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons.

Wait. I think I saw two of them. Shit!

This is just a dream! This is just a dream! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!!

I'm almost out of the woods! I see the light!

SMACK

"OW!" Something stepped in front of me. I think I heard it yelp.

I don't care! Shaking my head, I get back up and keep running, down a grassy field on onto a dirt road!

I'm a... colt?! (Dash)

I'm a... colt?!

Hard to breathe.

Hard to breathe.

Face in cloud but hard to breathe…

Unless…

Face in pillow? I don't remember having a pillow on this cloud. And… this cloud's pretty hard. Maybe I'm at home. Pretty sure I was on a cloud. Ugh…

Oh well, I'll just go back to sleep.

…

My head feels like it's spinning. What they hay is going on?

I open my eyes.

It's still dark? Wait… no, I'm in a room. This… isn't my house. I can't tell where I am, my eyes are still blurry.

I rub my eyes with a foreleg.

Hey… that didn't feel right. I look at my leg. Well that's just wrong, what happened to my fur? And my hoof!?

I have a… claw?!

…Cool. I check out my new claws in the darkness. Oh Gilda, whatever happened between us? I make a 'fist' just like her when we got in that fight at flight camp. I do a 'thumbs up' and make a dirty gesture she once taught me about. I wanna grab something!

I manage a sloppy grip on the blanket covering me, and throw it off.

WOW… it's cold in here! And… hey… that's not me…

What the hay? My fur is gone! Except for down there…

"MOTHER OF CELESTIA!" I put a hoo- um… claw over my mouth as I realize the voice that came out was a lot more masculine than it usually is...

I'm a colt!

And I'm a… I don't even know what I am!

But I'm a colt!

OH no no no no no no no! This can’t be happening! I can’t just be a freaky furless colt! I gotta find out what's going on! I gotta get out of this bed!

I roll over onto my belly, and moving my freaky new hind legs (with no hooves!), I manage to back myself off the bed, putting my hind… paws? Feet? Whatever! On the floor.

Wow, the floor feels weird. Or is it these feet? I rub them into this carpet. I can feel it brush up against my bare skin… that's a new feeling.

I back myself off the bed a little more. These legs don't feel right. All the joints are in the wrong places! I'm not gonna be able to stand like this! I wonder… what if I… use my forelegs to push myself up, rearing up on my hind legs, which is… surprisingly easy. I'm standing here… on just my hind legs?

How am I balanced so well? I don't know, but since I am, I take a look around. Obviously somepony's bedroom, as if the bed wasn't enough of a giveaway… There's a window in front of the bed, but it's covered by some weird kind of curtain, and there’s some machine thing in the bottom of it, blowing out freezing cold air. Dresser, desk, bookcase, and two doors… with doorknobs… the bane of my existence.

I take a step forward. I'm a little wobbly. I take another step…

THUNK

"YOW!" I fell back on my flank. I guess I wasn't balanced so well... I try to stand back up. Wow, there is no way I can walk on all fours like this. Yea, it just ain't gonna happen.

Propping myself on the edge of the bed, I pull myself back up to my hind legs. Reminds me of that one time…

"Oh yea? Let's see how far y'all can walk on yer HIND legs." Applejack challenged me.

"PSSH! How hard can it be?!"

"No wings, RD…"

"I don't need wings to walk on my hind legs!"

"We'll see…" She gave me a mischievous smile.

Of course I took that challenge. I made it three steps before I lost my balance and fell back down to all fours.

Applejack just laughed in my face.

"OH YEA?! I'd like to see YOU try!"

She reared up and walked at least ten steps before lowering herself – not falling – down and giving me a smug grin.

"Wha- how?" I gaped at her.

"Strong legs! Years of applebuckin'…"

I walk, step by step (still moving my forelegs to the steps, can't help it), to the door next to the bookcase. It's so weird walking on my hind legs… but it's like… not, at the same time.

Ah, doorknob. My old nemesis. We meet again.

But hey I got claws now! HA! Take that you stupid knob! I grab the metal abomination and it sends a shiver up my spine, making me let go. It has a defense mechanism! I touch it again gently and realize it's just cold. It FEELS cold. I turn it (AH HA!) and pull the door open.

Stuffy warm air washes over me as I walk slowly through the door frame and look around. There's some stairs and another open door. I don't think I'm ready to take on stairs with only two legs, so I shakily walk to the other door.

Hmm, it's another bedroom, with a really big bed. Kind of reminds me of my parents' bedroom. There's a dresser with some kind of black rectangle thing on it. And another desk with a mirror on it.

I shuffle over to it, trying not to look in the mirror. But I do anyway. What the hay is that?! That's definitely not me!

It has… I have!… tiny little eyes, I lean closer to the mirror, they look kinda blue-green. No fur on my face… wait… is that a beard or a patch of fur? It's sort of light brown, like the mane. Pointy nose… funny ears… in the wrong place. I back up from the mirror.

Are those titties? Why are they up here? And I thought I was a colt…?

Slowly I twist myself sideways… and… yep, that's what I was afraid of…

No wings…

I walk over to the bed. Turns out, walking's not so hard, but staying standing is another story. Can't lock these knees to just relax. As I turn around to sit, I notice… I don't have a tail. And no cutie marks on my flanks? I guess that kinda makes sense, since I don't have fur…

Sigh

This… is really me, isn’t it? I guess I got my wish… Serves me right. I’m a terrible friend…

Sniff

Right when I plop down on the bed I realize something.

I just woke up and I have to pee. I look, reluctantly, between my hind legs…

The other door in this room is cracked open. I push myself back up on two legs and walk to it. I push it open and look inside.

Some light seeps in from a window, and rain softly patters on the glass. I wonder if there's pegasi up above those rain clouds…

Right, back to the task at hoof.

This kinda looks like a bathroom. There's a tub over there, and a sink, and a… toilet?

Well, THAT was interesting. Claws definitely helped though, you have no idea.

Well… even if I deserve this, I’m not just gonna sit around and sulk all day. Maybe I can find a way out of this mess? A way back home? Somepony to help me? Right now, I have nothing else to do but try to tackle those stairs. They look like they go down forever, makes me dizzy just thinking about it. But I'm not gonna be beaten by some stupid stairs and a weird new body! I grab the railing on the side – hey, is that what railings are for? – and take them on one step at a time.

I finally make it to the bottom.

A big room with a couple couches greets me. More of those strange black rectangle things, a big one on a table, the other on a desk. I wonder what they are? A clock on the wall fills the room with a constant ticking that even the rain can’t drown out, it's ten past one.

Hey, another door.

This room looks like a kitchen. I open (what I think is) the icebox and a light comes on inside. A bunch of food packages and bottles are spread out on the shelves. Milk, apple juice, is that bread? Who the hay puts bread in the icebox? And what the hay is 'Miracle Whip'? Hmm, OK, yogurt, a head of lettuce, a jar of olives (I hate olives), what the hay is 'bacon'? Turkey…

Wait, turkey?

Like… the bird…?

Whatever I am… must eat meat. Like griffons. Hmm…

"Hey G," I looked at Gilda with my head cocked sideways, "Whatcha eatin'?"

She looked like she saw a ghost, "Dash, um…"

"It's meat isn't it?" I’d known for a while what griffons ate, but I didn’t really know how to approach the subject, so I usually just avoided it. But that day was different. "So griffons eat meat, huh?"

"Yea…" She carefully responded.

"Hmm…" I scratched my chin with a hoof. Something had always interested me about eating dead animals (as gross as that sounds). And I couldn’t help but wonder, what do they taste like? (Don't judge me!) But that’s not something I could ever tell my pony friends, of course. Gilda, on the other hoof…

She rolled her eyes at me and took another bite of her lunch.

I had this chance to finally satisfy my morbid curiosity, "Can I try some?"

She spit out her food. "DASH! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

My stomach rumbles.

Well… Like Gilda used to say, ‘meat’s meat and a griffon’s gotta eat.’

It can't be that different from Gilda's chicken…

What Has Been Seen... (Church)

What Has Been Seen...

I think I heard something.

I keep running. No idea where I'm going. Better than being eaten.

I hear it again. Almost sounded like 'Rainbow Dash.' I turn my head around to check on the freaky wolves chasing me. Instead I see a yellow pony flying after me.

I scramble to a halt, dredging up a bunch of dirt from the road as I do. Hey, I didn't fall on my face!

"Oh my goodness! What were you doing in the Everfree Forest, Rainbow?" She asks with a strangely adorable look of concern in her eyes. She lands in front of me, a little bit too far inside my personal space bubble.

Yellow, butterflies, Fluttershy. Just who I was looking for. "Uh, wh- who are you?"

"Wha? What are you talking about Rainbow?" She looks confusedly into my eyes.

"Um... What are you talking about...?"

"What?" She looks around for a moment. "Oh, I get it! This is one of those pranks that Pinkie's always talking about isn't it? Oh, Rainbow, this isn't the time for pranks…"

I try to look confused, "Uh… Pinkie?"

"Rainbow? Ar- Are you alright? Did you hit your head on something? Oh my, what happened to your face?" She asks, leaning in to take a look at my face.

"Huh? Oh, I guess I fell a few times.” Geez does it look that bad? “Anyway, who is this ‘Rainbow’? Is it... me?"

"Oh my! You poor thing! We have to get you to Twilight right away!"

"Who?" SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. THE LAST THING I WANT IS THAT PURPLE ONE’S GODDAMN PET DRAGON TALKING ANYWHERE NEAR ME.

"Come on now, follow me, I’m sure Twilight knows some kind of spell to fix amnesia, we'll get you fixed right up!" She says in a shaky little voice.

I gotta find a way out of this, or at least stall until I can think of something. "So, uh, what's your name?"

She turns around and looks at me through teary eyes, biting her lower lip. "I'm…" *sniff* "Flutter…" She trails off, mumbling and sniffing.

"Flutter? What's wrong Flutter?"

"Um… n- nothing… please… j- just follow me, OK?" She's doing all she can not to break down crying.

Sigh

I can't stand watching her cry.

"Sure, but can you tell me what's wrong, did I do something wrong?"

She starts sobbing now. Crap! I'm just making it worse by asking more questions.

FUCK. I HATE MAKING PEOPLE CRY. Er… ponies? You know what I mean.

I look around nervously, and walk closer to her. "Hey, I'll follow you ok? Just please, stop crying," I say awkwardly, putting a hand… arm… leg… (goddammit) hoof gently on her back.

She stops crying and sniffs a couple times. "O..." *sniff* "Kay."

I follow her down the dirt road to town. It's quiet and boring. She (obviously) isn't trying to start a conversation, and neither am I. As I walk, though, the adrenaline rush has worn off and the pain in my face is really starting to get to me. I have a really bad feeling… that I'm not dreaming.

We walk into town and I start getting weird looks from all the… ponies. It's getting annoying. Is my face really that messed up from falling on it so many times?

Before I get to think about it too much, a tiny orange pony runs up in front of me and starts walking backwards as it faces me with a disturbingly large smile. IS IT BAD, IF I KNOW WHO THAT IS?

Scootaloo? Right?

"Oh hi, Scootaloo," Fluttershy says.

Fuck my Steam Friends list.

"Hi Fluttershy! Hi Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo says.

All I can muster is, "Uh…"

Fluttershy cuts me off, weakly saying, "I don't think now is…" She trails off.

"Hey I heard the good news Rainbow! Congrats!" The orange one says over Fluttershy to me. “This is SO awesome! I can’t believe you… I mean of course you would, but-“

"Scootaloo," Fluttershy says sternly, but still softly, getting the little one's full attention. "Now's not the best time, OK?"

"Oh… um OK Fluttershy, see you later. Bye Rainbow!" And with that, Scootaloo runs off.

What the hell was that about? Whatever, Fluttershy starts walking again and I follow suit. We're still getting the weird looks. And I could swear I saw a camera flash.

Before long, we arrive at a giant tree carved into a house. Or a library. Obviously Twilight's library.

Goddammit.

Fluttershy opens the door, somehow managing to turn a doorknob with a single hoof… How the hell did she do that? And I follow her inside.

"Hello?" Fluttershy calls out.

That sorry little excuse for a dragon waddles down the stairs.

GODDAMMIT! OK, OK, just cage in your anger… breathe… I'd pinch the bridge of my nose right now if I still HAD FINGERS!

OK, try not to look angry.

"Oh, hi Spike." Fluttershy smiles weakly. "Where's Twilight?"

"Oh, she just went out to find you guys, actually." Spike answers with a shrug.

"Is that a dragon? He's so puny." Dammit, I let that slip.

"Very funny, Rainbow,"  he replies flatly, giving me a dirty look.

"Oh goodness… she's out looking for us then, I should go find her…" Fluttershy says as she gets ready to head back out.

"Uhhh, should I go with you? I'd rather go with you."  I'm not staying here. Fuck Spike.

"Oh no, no… um, OK, I guess…" She turns toward the door and walks back out.

And I follow. Again…

OK, now I'm sure I saw some camera flashes. Some random ponies are waving at me.

"Uhhhh, hi?" Keep walking…

Creepy. At least it was a short walk to this giant gingerbread house. Flutters walks up to the (great, now I'm using nicknames…) door but it opens in front of her and misses her nose by an inch. Twilight’s standing in the doorway.

"Oh, perfect, I was just about to go look for you two. Rainbow, can you go get Applejack please?" she asks, in the tone of a command.

"Twilight, we have a little problem… with Rainbow…" Flutters pipes up, glancing awkwardly in my direction.

"Oh, I know…" Twilight turns to me, looking sad but serious, "But we all really need your help right now, Equestria needs your help."

Well, let's see if Twilight can see through a lie. "Who?..."

Where's a 20 sided die when ya need one?

She stares at me with a cocked eyebrow for a moment. "What?"

"Oh, but Twilight, Rainbow's…" Flutters protests, trying to tell Twilight.

Twilight interrupts , "Yes, Fluttershy, we all know.” She gives a sage little nod.

"Who's Applejack?" I butt in.

"This is no time for jokes, Rainbow," Twilight glares at me.

"Shut up! I can't remember anything!"

That was probably going a little too far? Awkward silence is awkward.

I hear Flutters mumbling to Twilight but I pick out the word 'amnesia' and I think Twilight does too.

"You… you really don't remember… anything?"

A pink blur bounces out the door from behind Twilight.

"Hi Dashie! Hi Flutters!" Pinkie. Freaking. Pie.

Before I can say anything, Twilight orders Pinkie, "Pinkie, please go get Applejack and Rarity and bring them to the library."

"OKIE DOKIE LOKIE!" Fuck Pinkie Pie. Good riddance.

"OK, so," Twilight continues, "What can you remember?"

"Nothing, I woke up on a cloud and couldn't get down. Then I ran into Flutters," I claim, it's mostly true. "Oh! And some grey pony."

"Oh for the love of… let's go talk about it at the library." She just about does a facepa-hoof.

"So, do you remember anything at all before waking up today?" Twilight asks with a suspicious eye.

I stare angrily at Spike and say, "Nope."

Twilight sits down and rubs her temples with her front hooves.

"Why are you looking at me?" Spike says, looking uncomfortable in my gaze.

"Because... I. Don't. Like. You."

He keeps shifting uncomfortably. Twilight sighs, "I didn't think this would happen so soon…"

Fluttershy pipes up, "Can you help her Twilight?"

"Yes. Yes I can. Just like last time," she says, walking towards me with a mischievous smile.

"Wait, last time? What happened last time?" I look between Twilight and Fluttershy for an answer.

"Last time, when Discord unleashed chaos all over Equestria. Although this doesn’t seem to be exactly the same thing, this spell should still work."

What was Discord again? Oh well, I keep staring at Spike.

“Wait. Spell? What spell?!” I don’t want her using her pointy horn magic on me!

Whoa.

I feel a tickling sensation on my head. More like in my head. Kinda feels nice. I just roll with it.

For a moment, I saw… what can only be described as my life flashing before my eyes. It's hard to tell, it happened so fast.

As I come out of my daze, I feel tired. Like someone just woke me up. And my head is swimming.

"…Rainbow?" I hear two voices chime together.

"Ummmmm…" I mumble.

"Do you remember anything?" I manage to focus my eyes on Twilight.

"Noooope..." I say with my best imitation of Chuck Testa.

"Shoot!" Twilight stomps a hoof on the floor.

"Well I remember some names..." I say, looking hopeful. Flutters and Twilight perk up at this, Spike is just sitting there ignoring everything like the shitty dragon he is. "That's about it."

"Hmm, well, let me try this a little differently."

She aims that pointy horn at me, and I feel the same sensation from before, but it's a little different. Not as pleasant. Almost painful.

"Ow."

Suddenly, images start rolling in my head. Like memories being replayed. But, they're not mine this time. I don't think they're Rainbow Dash's either…

There’s a flying rainbow pony, whooshing around the sky. She lands on a small bridge and says, "What'd I say? Ten. Seconds. Flat."

She pushes her nose in my face, "Are you a SPY?"

There she is again, her wings are tied up with rope and she’s laughing. “What? You’re not an athlete, you’re a… well… you’re an egghead!”

She squishes her cheeks together. "SO. AWESOME!"

"OHMYGOSH! OHMYGOSH! OHMYGOSH!"

"I was busy. Napping."

She’s up on a dark cloud at night, wearing a cheesy gimp suit and angry looking goggles. "Lighten up old timer! This is the best time of the year for pranks!”

A book goes flying over her shoulder. “No thanks! I SOOOO don’t read.”

"Ow."

Did she just… Did I just… fucking… watch…

My…

FUCKING

Little…

FUCKING

PONY?!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"GODDAMMIT!

"GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT! GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!

"YOU…FUCKING…!!!

"I…!!!

"FUCK!

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCKITTY FUCK!

"WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN!!!!!"

I love this story! (Dash)

I love this story!

Mmmmm. That was a good sandwich. Turkey, lettuce, and that 'Miracle Whip' stuff on white bread… I think I'm getting this whole meat thing now.

But… I ate a bird…

But, but, it was delicious… UGH! Whatever, there's nothing like good food to take a filly's mind off her problems.

Horseapples.

I'm not a filly anymore, or even a pony! I'm not sure which one's worse.

Sigh

Well… it can't be that long before the girls find out I'm missing and figure out a way to come get me and save the day.

Right?

Oh no… no no no! What if they think I left them?! Or ran off? I mean, they might! They knew what happened… and I was gone for a couple days… they didn't look for me then! Of all the stupidest wishes I ever made, why did this one come true?!

Last night, on a cloud in the sky…

I was sitting there, looking up into Luna's starry night sky. I had been hiding from my friends for two days by then… just wondering what I should do. I had a tough choice to make, and I didn't want any of them to try to sway me. I had to decide by myself. Even if I could've really used a friend right about then…

A little sparkle of light trickled across the sky. A shooting star.

"I wish I didn't have to be Rainbow Dash right now…"

I closed my eyes and felt a few tears roll onto the wet stains on my cheeks.

"WHY?!"

I put my head in my hoo- claws and just cry.

That stupid wish only added to my problems…

Sniff

I wearily lean back in my chair and look out the kitchen window. The dark gray sky stares back at me. A light flashes in the distance.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

RUMBLE

Wow, that's a big storm. Cloudy skies and rainy days always make me feel all gloomy… I mean, I of all ponies should KNOW what they're for, (heck, I'm usually the one who puts the rainclouds up there to begin with!) they water all the plants and stuff. Rain gives the earth life. It makes flowers bloom and gives us food. They shouldn't make me feel this way… So why do they?

Well it looks like I might be stuck indoors for a while, never mind wherever the hay I am. I'm probably a million miles away from… home. I might as well at least try to make myself comfortable… What is there to do around here?

I drag myself over to the other closed door in the kitchen. Hmm, there's a bunch of clothes in here… is it… a laundry room? The only pony I know with a laundry room is Rarity. I just don't get the whole 'clothes' thing.

I think I'll go back upstairs and check out that bookcase. Going up the stairs now. Hey, this is easier than I thought it would be. These two legs feel pretty strong, weird, but strong. I wonder how fast I could run…

Wow, it's still cold in this room. I'm not digging this whole no-fur thing. What's this? I pick some kind of clothing off the floor. It looks like a shirt. It's red, there's a picture of a funny looking… shoe? – I look down at my feet. Yea, shoe. – in the middle, and it says 'Section V State Qualifiers' with a big 12 in the background. I wonder what that means… I might as well, it's cold in here.

I guess clothes do make a little sense now.

OK, books, books… let's see what you got, bookcase.

Hmm, why are ALL of these books titled 'Shonen Jump'? Oh wait, there's a few different ones on the bottom shelf… 'Goosebumps'? What the hay is that? 'A Series of Unfortunate Events,' hmm, sounds depressing, last thing I need right now. 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone' that… kinda sounds like a really bad Daring Do knockoff.

Meh, why not?

'Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much…'

8 hours later…

I… I love this story! I know it's all magic and stuff, but it's still really cool, and they can fly on broomsticks! How crazy is that?!

So apparently, I'm a 'person' and these are 'hands.' There's still a bunch of stuff in this book I don't get, but hey, it's still a great story…

SLAM

What was that?

"I'M HOME!"

Uh oh!

Um… Um…

Hide under the bed!

4 minutes later…

Somepony's coming upstairs!

Ohmygosh! AH! They're walking in here!

Click

The room gets really bright all of a sudden, I can see the light even from under the bed.

"Ummmm... what are you doing?" I hear a feminine voice say.

Can they see me?!

They can see me can't they?

Sigh

I shift around uncomfortably under the bed.

"What are you looking for, in the dark, under your bed?"

MY bed? "Uhhhhhhhhh…" I poke my head out and look at the pon- person looking down at me. She's an older mare, wearing clothes, with a sort of salt and pepper gray mane. And she's looking at me like I just flew upside down into a window. "…Apples?" WHY was that the first thing that came to mind?!

"What...? Why would there be apples under your bed?" Her eyes shift around in confusion. "Were you eating apples last night?" She scratches her head.

"Uhhhhh… yes?" I hope I have a better poker face than Applejack.

"OKaaaaaaaay..." She says with a really confused face and walks out of the room.

I scooch out from under the bed and sit up on the floor. OK… who's that?

So… if I'm a colt, er, boy (man? What's the age cutoff for that?)… and she's an older mare, er, woman… who lives here… in a different bedroom…

My… Mother?

Er, well, this colt's mother?

Uh oh, she's coming back in here.

"JESUS CHURCH! WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING ANY PANTS?!"

Pants…

Pants…

"Pants? What the hay are pants?"

"Oh you know darling, they cover your hind legs," Rarity helpfully informed while she stuck pins in the fabric draped over my back.

"You mean, like a dress?"

"No dear, dresses are for mares, and besides – could you lift your wings please? – a dress would also cover your tail, pants only cover your hind legs."

"Oh…"

"You might see an older stallion in fancy dress wearing them. Not that mares can't wear pants too… you know… if you wanted to." Rarity chuckled nervously. "Now straighten up and hold still."

"Uhhhh…" I look at mother's hind legs… yep, she's wearing some blue pants. I look around the room and I see a few clothes that look similar. I pick up something, pants I think, that's next to me. They're a different kind of cloth, black with a blue stripe on the side of the leg part. "I was just looking for some…" I say, trying to look innocent.

"OK... whatever." She shakes her head. "Well supper will be ready in an hour." She turns around and leaves. Maybe she's as confused as I am.

Note to self: 'people' wear 'pants,' all the time I guess.

I slip these 'pants' on with a kind of trial-and-error method. I still can't believe I have a…

Sigh

I squint up at the light in the room. My eyes fall on a white rectangular thing on the wall next to the door. Oh… that was a light switch?

Click

The light turns off.

Click

Click

Click

Click

Click

My stomach rumbles to remind me I'm hungry. How long was I reading for? I look around. On a little bedside table, there's a strange little box with an orange number on it. '10:24' it says. That's a cool clock. It just tells you the time in numbers. So yea, I think I've been reading for a while.

The still-open book on the floor calls to me.

I got another hour before supper!

Bad Dragon (Church)

Bad Dragon

After a fit of rage lasting about five minutes…

Spike… is a really bad dragon…

I just lay on the floor staring at him, completely spent from all the cursing.

He's staring back at me.

Growl

He runs and hides behind Twilight. That's right. Be afraid. Oh hey there's more ponies now.

"Ya alright sugar cube?"

Alright. Fuck this. Close my eyes. Applejack isn't here with Pinkie Pie. I’m not in a cartoon with cute little ponies… But if I am, I can fly away! OK...

Open my eyes.

THAT’S IT, I'm done!

Hey these things actually work now!

CRASH

I lay in a pile of books, utterly defeated by a…

BONK

…bookshelf and the one special book that decided to fall off the shelf last and hit me square on the head! Don't they have any paperbacks here?!

"Ow." Scumbag Library.

Sigh

"I hate being a…" I grumble under my breath.

All the books start floating off of me. Twilight walks up.

"I'm so sorry Rainbow, I don't understand what went wrong,” she says apologetically.

"Yeah. Me either..." I say sarcastically.

I go back to staring (and growling) at Spike, who's now cowering behind Rarity.

"Ar- Are you alright darling?" She asks, gently pointing a marshmallowy hoof in my direction.

"No... I don't want to be… here," I spit.

I'm done. I get up and start walking towards the door.

I hear some comments along the lines of 'where are you going' but I tune them out. As I near the door, I come near Fluttershy. She's not protesting at all, only biting her lower lip and fighting off tears as she stares straight into my soul with those huge adorable puppy dog pony eyes.

Fuck.

If I leave… she'll cry.

Sigh

I walk back to Spike and Rarity, sit down my pony ass down on the floor dejectedly, and stare at the fat lizard silently.

Scumbag Spike, shitty dragon.

"Rainbow…? Do you… remember anything now?" Twilight asks sheepishly from behind my back.

"Names…"

"Anything else?"

"I remember when Celestia disappeared and Nightmare Moon showed up." There was a lot of that when I… she… "That's about it."

"Should I try again?"

"SURE, why not…?" I ask sarcastically.

She shoots me and I suffer another barrage of memories. Clearly Twilight's memories, of Rainbow.

When the torture ends, I hold my hooves to my temples. Well... it wasn't any worse than last time. Back to staring at Spike.

"Did it work?" Twilight asks.

"Just. Your. Memories..."

"Oh…” she bashfully scratches the back of her neck. “I hoped they would… help spur your own memories…"

"Yea. Whatever. Anyway, you said earlier that you needed me, what for?” I try to change the subject to avoid any more magical memory torture. “I might as well try to help…" while I'm here.

Everyone looks at Twilight inquisitively. She brought them here for something, and it sure as hell wasn't me.

"Alright girls. Rainbow wasn't the reason I called you all here," Twilight announces, all the other ponies in the room glance nervously at each other. "We're going to Canterlot, it seems Discord's gone rogue again." She rolls her eyes.

Gasps in unison.

I just go back to staring at Spike.

"Come on girls, let's get to the train station."

"B-B-But what about Rainbow?" Fluttershy softly asks.

"We'll just have to help her on the train ride there." Twilight turns to Spike. "Spike! Get me… the book."

"What book?" He asks uncomfortably, peeking out from behind Rarity's ass. I have a feeling he likes it there.

"The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide."

"Oh… THAT book." He runs off across the room, climbs a few steps up a ladder, and grabs a large fancy book from a shelf. I don’t let him escape my gaze. He waddles over to Twilight and gives her the book. She floats it in front of her and opens it, a sparkly golden glow comes from within and washes over her. She slaps it closed and drops it into her saddlebags. "You know Twi, I still think you should put them on display in a glass case."

"I'll think about it Spike, but a magic-blocking book just seems so much safer. We don't really know if they'll react adversely to all the highly theoretical and sometimes unstable spells I'm always testing around here. OK girls, let's go! Come on Rainbow! Spike, you stay here and watch the library."

"Alright, I guess. If it gets me away from creepy Rainbow," Spike shrugs.

I sigh and stand up. I silently follow them out the door, keeping my head down, just staring at my fee- hooves all the way to the train station.

We're all waiting for the train, on the station platform. The ponies are talking amongst themselves about something, I’m not listening.

Fluttershy carefully walks up to me, "How are you feeling?"

I don't need people to worry about me... "Meh, I'll be alright."

"Oh… I certainly hope so."

She walks closer to me and… rubs her nose on my neck.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… da fuq? Was that supposed to be affectionate? I feel violated…

Applejack breaks off from their little conversation group next.

"Ya pullin' through, sugar cube?"

"Yep, I'll be fine." I swear to god if they all do this in order I'm going to murder someone.

"I know what'll cheer ya up…" She digs a hoof in her saddlebag, pulls out an apple, and offers it to me.

Meh, why not, I am a little hungry. "Sure, thanks." I just stare at the apple in her hoof for a second. I look down at my own hooves. Meh. I grab the apple with my teeth. Applejack gives me an awkward forced smile.

Crunch

Hmm. This apple's not bad.

Oh, now Pinkie is walking over here. Hang on. Doesn't she have fluffy hair? How come it's flat?

Oh… Oh! Oh. Uh oh.

Isn't she insane when her hair is flat?

"Oh, Dashie," she says dramatically with sad eyes as she sits down in front of me. "I'm just so super-duper sad that you got amnesia and Twilight's memory spell didn't work and Discord’s a big meanie-pants again and now we're going to Canterlot but Twilight says you might not be able to use your element because you have amnesia and I…” She sighs. “I could really use a cupcake right now… how about you?"

Huh? So she's just hella sad...?

"Ummmm aren't you always in the mood for cupcakes and..."

Holy shit. Cupcakes...

"I'm sure everything will work out in the end,” I try to change the subject.

She sniffles and wipes some snot on her leg. "I hope so."

I can't help but sit there and look sad with her. At least I have an apple to munch on.

Thankfully, a distant steam whistle ends the awkward moment. After a minute, the gaudy, colorful train chugs into the station, pulling to a stop. The doors open and ponies make their way out of the cars.

"Ponyville to Canterlot! Allllllll aboard!" Shouts a conductor.

I stand up and follow Twilight and the others onto a train car. These weird bench seats are more like little beds. I follow the others' examples and climb up onto one, and sort-of-sit at a window seat. I usually like watching the scenery roll by, maybe it’ll help keep my mind off things.

A long, painfully awkward silence pierces the still air inside the train car. The whistle blows and the car rattles briefly as it’s jerked into motion. The trees slowly start passing by outside the window.

After a good long time, Twilight quietly takes a seat next to me. "So, Rainbow…" she nervously tries to start some semblance of a conversation.

"So, Twilight," I counter.

"I know I kind of asked you this already, but I don't suppose you have any idea how this happened, do you?"

"No clue, I blame magic." Stupid magic.

"Maybe Discord's magic…” She sighs. “Does the name 'the Wonderbolts' mean anything to you?"

Suddenly all the six ponies in the car are looking at me and it seems to have gotten more quiet in here. Just the muffled clicks and clanks as the wheels roll over the tracks remain.

I hate how much I know about this fucking show. Um… "Sounds familiar, what do they do again?"

Everyone else looks away, I guess in disappointment.

"Oh… Well, they're a pegasus stunt flyer team. You um…" Everyone looks at me again. Boy, they're really keeping tabs on this conversation. "…they just… you um...” She squirms uncomfortably. “You got an acceptance letter from them two days ago."

This was obviously a touchy subject, if them all looking at me and Twilight's hesitation is any indication.

"Hmmmmmm... Well, I don't remember getting any letters and I can't even remember how to fly."

They all gasp and Rarity over-dramatically wails and faints and falls onto Pinkie, who seems completely unfazed by it.

"Oh my gosh… this IS serious! Maybe Princess Celestia will be able to help…" Twilight suggests.

I go back to staring at the scenery whizzing by outside the window.

Wait a minute... are they taking me to see queen bitch?!

I look to Twilight, who looks up to me and gives me a weak, pained smile.

You would.

About an hour later…

The train's pulling into the station now. Finally. The ponies don their saddlebags, and I follow them off the train. We're greeted by a bunch of white ponies in shimmering golden armor. One of them, with fancier armor than the rest, greets all of us and exchanges some words with Twilight. She and him seem… comfortable with each other… Afterwards, he leads us away from the station, and the other armored ponies surround us as we walk.

I turn to Fluttershy, "Nyu nyu nyu?"

"Um, what?" She replies in confusion.

"Oh, nothing." I guess the boredom is getting the better of me.

This city is a definitely more urban than the other one. The roads are paved with stone and the buildings are more crowded and…

Whoa…

Huge castle. It just keeps getting bigger as we walk. It's almost messy in design with its towers and spires all over the place. Still, it looks like something straight out of a fairy tale. Or a little girl's cartoon. Whichever comes first. As we reach the front gate I can see that the walls are actually made of white marble, that almost looks seamless.

We walk through a courtyard, up some stairs, and into a huge room with a lush red carpet leading up to some stairs with some huge stained glass windows behind the landing.

And there's the queen bitch.

The Letter (Dash)

The Letter

I… still can't believe it was professor Quirrell… this whole time.

"SUPPER'S READY!" Mother shouts from downstairs.

With my newly-equipped blue striped 'pants,' I trot downstairs.

Getting used to these funky legs.

I get to the bottom of the stairs and I hear talking. Mother's not talking, she's just sitting on the couch and eating. I walk up a little and look where she's looking.

She's watching a… film? On that big black rectangle box thing? I don’t see a projector anywhere. There are po- people talking about stuff.

The people go away and the box says, "We now return to Paranormal Files."

What the hay kinda movie is this? These people are talking about stuff… like ghosts and a haunted house. I don't really… get it… Hey, there's that word again… 'human.'

Why does that sound so familiar?

"Hey, Lyra, whatcha readin'?"

"Oh, it's nothing…" She said, closing the book.

"Aw, c'mon! What is it?"

Lyra was really only just an acquaintance, but I was trying to make idle conversation.

"Erm… it's about… humans…"

"Hu- what?"

"Humans… they're um… mythical… creatures."

"I never heard of 'em. What're they like?"

She perked up when I asked that.

"Well, they're like big hairless monkeys that walk on their hind legs!"

"Uh… huh…"

"Hey, go get some food."

"Huh? Oh, right." I snap out of my flashback and walk into the kitchen.

I get a whiff of deliciousness as I step through the doorway. A pot on the stove has some pasta noodles, and the pan next to it has some tasty smelling tomato sauce. I grab a plate from the counter (it feels cold in my hand) and help myself.

I also grab a glass of water, and I walk out of the kitchen, with a big smile plastered on my mug. Hey, I'm walking AND holding two things at the same time! Guess this freakish body has its perks. I mean, I could hold SOME things with my wings, but this is totally different. This is like… unicorn level stuff right here.

As I walk by my new mother, I notice something. She's holding a fork, and using it to eat the pasta. Now that looks a lot better than getting pasta sauce all over my face fur. I go back to the kitchen and find a fork.

I walk past new-mom and the magic movie-box, the people are babbling something about big feet, and I walk upstairs.

Slowly! I don't have my balance 100%, so walking up stairs with stuff in my hands is a little bit hard.

But I make it upstairs anyway. I sit on the floor and chow down.

Mmm… this sauce is really good. But it's sorta chunky. I roll a chunk around on my tongue.

Oh.

Meat.

Still tastes good.

I finish up my food and jump in bed, it's been a long day.

Blargh.

Why is this cloud so hard?

Oh yea, I'm on a bed.

YAWN

I rub my eyes with a… hand. Oh yea, I remember where I am now. I look at the clock, it's 9:22.

Pushing myself off the bed, I stumble around a little and head for the bathroom.

Ahhhhh… much better. Still not used to being a colt, er… you know what I mean… But, you know, losing my wings, my race, my species, my friends, and… everything… being about as not-me as possible… that's what really gets me…

And I wished for this…

All because of that stupid letter…

Dear Ms. Rainbow Dash,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the Wonderbolts Stunt Fliers of Equestria as a Junior Member! We are proud to accept such an outstanding pegasus to our ranks and we applaud the techniques and maneuvers you displayed at the academy. The 'sonic rainboom' was most impressive, and I personally did not believe it was possible to perform.

Report to the Wonderbolts headquarters in Los Pegasus on September 3rd, promptly at 8:00 AM for orientation. After this, in-depth training will begin on technique and structure. Captain Spitfire has personally requested to speak with you after orientation about possible one-on-one training with her. Make sure you discuss this with her once orientation is over.

You'll be expected to live in our complementary Residence Halls. We recommend that you bring all necessities and belongings you will need for daily life, as your new schedule will allow very little free time to return home. Three meals a day will be provided as part of the special dietary plan. Needless to say, the Residence Halls offer a variety of activities and leisure for anypony to be comfortable, as well as various nighttime attractions and venues in the city. We sincerely hope you enjoy your stay at your new home with your new friends and teammates.

Best regards,

Stormy Weather

Senior Recruiter

Los Pegasus is a long trip from Ponyville. I'd never see my friends again… Why do I have to choose between my dream and my friends…?

Sigh

Before I open the bedroom door, I notice a little square yellow paper stuck to it.

Bacon in fridge, warm it up, make sure you eat!

Hmm… 'bacon,' that stuff I saw in the icebox…

Walking downstairs… the house is dead quiet, kinda creepy… I head for the kitchen. I open the icebox, and sure enough, there's a plate here, with these wrinkled up strips of reddish meat-looking stuff. I looks nasty. Yuck. 'Warm it up,' hmm… there's a frying pan on the stove. Maybe that’s the pan new-mom used to cook this meat stuff in the first place.

I toss it in the pan. Now to figure this stove out. Never been much of a cook myself. Well, there's knobs on it…

OK! Got me some greasy, smelly, warmed-up dead animal. Let's try some!

Crunch

Ooh, it's crunchy.

And kinda smoky.

And really greasy…

And…

And…

Delicious!

Crunch

I could get used to this meat stuff! I wonder if we have bacon back home…

…NO! What am I thinking?! That's gross! Ponies don't eat meat. Period. End of discussion. It's nasty. And wrong!

It's just… Gilda let me try some chicken that one time… but I never told anypony about that. And I didn't even like it much… UGH! Why is this ‘bacon’ stuff so delicious?!

Alright, as much as I can't wait to see what happens in the next Harry Potter book, I've been cooped up for way too long.

I HATE being cooped up!

With pair of blue pants and a neat little white shirt with some crazy art design sketched on it, I go to the front door. And I stop for a second. I should probably find the key to the door and lock it before I leave. Nopony else is home. I go back upstairs and look around my room. On the desk, there's a couple keys on a ring. There's also a folded black rectangle pouch-type thing made out of some kind of smooth cloth, and a hard plastic rectangle. They were right next to the keys. Something's telling me to take them. Alright! Now I need a saddlebag for these…

I'm not seeing any saddlebags. How would I wear them anyway?

Hmm… I look down at my pants. Are those… oh, pockets. Perfect!

Back downstairs, I open the door and walk right out.

"OW!" What the hay! I stepped on something!

Oh great, a rock.

I need some kind of shoes. Never did get the point of shoes. They looked pretty I guess, but why? Kinda like clothes. Horseshoes, on the other hoof, I understand. Working ponies like Applejack need them.

I go back in, and by the door, I see some shoes. What the hay? There's only two of them!

Oh! Duh! I facehoof at my slip up. Still not used to the whole walk-on-two-legs thing. I slip them on my freaky fleshy feet and head back out, locking the door behind me.

Brave new world.

Not so different though. There's houses and a grey stone road. Everything seems a lot more square, but otherwise, meh, about the same.

A shiny red cart-wagon-train type thing on wheels passes by me. Well that's new. It wasn't being pulled by anything. Magic… Oh wait, I know! That must be a 'car'! I walk in the direction it went. There's a lot of houses around here, but that's pretty much it. Houses and cars.

After about ten minutes of walking, I'm at a cross road. I see another car go down it, so I follow that one. I walk and I walk. It's funny. I feel like I could run. I'm not sure I want to, but I have kind of an itch to do it. Like I've been cooped up inside all day and I need to stretch my wings. If I couldn't, I'd eventually have to just flap as hard as I could, purposefully not getting lift, until the itch went away. My mom called it a case of 'the flies.'

Ah, what the hay?

Pant

Turns out

Pant

I can run

Pant

pretty fast.

Pant

I don't know exactly how far I am (but I'm not lost, you can't be as good a flier as me and have a bad sense of direction, I'm not Derpy), but it looks like I'm in some kind of town.

Small town, sort of. Doesn't look anything like Ponyville, or Canterlot. Everything's so… square. I walk past some shops. This place almost reminds me of Fillydelphia… But definitely not as big. There's a few people here, none of them look like they know me. Which is good. The last thing I need is one of them walking up to me and being like…

"Hey Church, where ya headed?"

"Huh?"

Discord's Bedroom (Church)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Brave New World (Dash)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Speak of the Devil (Church)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Dungeons and Dragons (Dash)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Tia's Troubling Times (Church)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Drones and Dumbasses (Dash)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Taking One for the Team (Church)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

The Changeling Gets Punched Again (Dash)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Going Home (Church)

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Brilliantly Planned Heist (Dash)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Purple Haze (Church) - w/ Previous Chapter Summary

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Evil Overlords (Dash) - w/ Previous Chapter Summary

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Come Hell or High Water (Church)

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Lefty Loosey (Dash)

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Total Recall (Church)

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Righty Tighty (Dash)

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Horse Pile (Church)

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Friendship is Magic (Dash)

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Soldier is SPY! (Church)

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Cleaning Up and Making Up (Dash)

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Church's Epilogue

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Dashie's Epilogue

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Human Character Pictures!

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