Denying Death His Proper Due

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3689

Perhaps there's more to immortality than we first thought. Perhaps it's not about living forever, but merely escaping Death's icy cold hooves. And by staying one step ahead of him at all times.

Perhaps there's more to immortality than we first thought. Perhaps it's not about living forever, but merely escaping Death's icy cold hooves.

And by staying one step ahead of him at all times.

Published 2017-03-12 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-12 00:20:01 UTC

Spaghetti Head

As Fluttershy went to answer her door, Discord took that time to spread his entire body along her couch, gobbling up the remaining three dozen sugar cookies left out on the table.

A usual sight at their weekly teatime get-togethers.

What was rather unusual that day, of course, was who greeted Fluttershy at her door.

“Good afternoon, miss,” the pony outside said in a dry, crackling voice. “Sorry to intrude on you like this, but may I ask you a question?”

The pony outside wore a black cloak that hid his entire body; underneath his large hood was nothing but darkness. In one stark white hoof he held a scythe only a little taller than he was. He seemed to be leaning on it in order to stay upright.

“Umm…” Fluttershy began timidly. “Okay, as long as you’re not trying to sell me anything. I have such trouble saying no to ponies and disappointing them. I have forty-eight steak knifes in my kitchen and I don’t even eat steak!”

The pony shook his head. Or, rather, his hood. “Have no fear, little one. I am not nearly as nasty as all those door-to-door sales ponies. Rather, I am looking for someone; a rather special someone that sticks out more than most. Part horse, part goat, part dragon—”

“Oh! You must mean Discord!”

The pony nodded. Or his hood did. “That would be the one. Do you know where he is at the moment, perchance?”

“Actually, he’s inside.” Fluttershy opened the door to give her visitor a view inside her home. She called to Discord, “Discord! There’s someone here to see you!”

Still lazing out on the couch, Discord popped another cookie into his maw. “Who? Another member of my amazing fan club? If that’s the case, then that means we’re up to two members now! You and whoever’s at the door.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, it’s this pony in a cloak. Holding a sharp stick thingy.”

Discord’s last sugar cookie got caught in his throat. “Not… him!”

The pony in the cloak pushed inside, leveling his scythe at him. “It’s time, Discord. You can’t put this off forever.”

“Try… me! Bone… face!” Discord wheezed out, as his face became redder and redder and he began scratching at his neck. “Gak!”

“He’s choking!” Fluttershy flew to Discord’s side to start hammering on his back. “Oh no, no, no, no!”

“Please, miss,” the cloaked pony told her. “It may be easier to let him choke.”

Fluttershy stared daggers at him. “How can you say such a thing? Discord can’t breathe!”

One last hard slap on Discord’s back and what remained of his cookie splattered onto the floor. Discord took a deep breath. Then immediately began screaming as loud as a train whistle before leaping to the ceiling, wrapping his torso and limbs tight around a wooden beam.

Discord pointed a claw at the cloaked pony. “Get him out of here, Fluttershy! That pony’s trying to kill me!”

Fluttershy’s pupils shrunk. “He… he is? But why?”

“Because he’s Death! That’s why!”

Fluttershy’s ears fell. “Oh, dear.”

Death took a few more steps inside the house. “Allow me to shed some light on the situation. Yes, miss, I am Death. But only one of many. And Discord here… well, he’s on my list. Has been for some time now.”

“How many times do I gotta tell you? You got the wrong guy!” Discord yelled from up above. “I’m not Discord! I’m Dat Chord! Totally different! Get your facts straight, bud!”

“Please, Discord,” Death said in a calm, wizened tone. “You can’t evade me forever. I will live as long as you do, and it is my job to send you off into the next world. And don’t you think it’s about time? After all these many years?”

Discord closed his eyes, shaking his head from side to side like a disobedient child. “Nuh-uh! I’m never gonna die! Never!”

“Come on, big guy.” Death held up two bony hooves toward him. “Bring it on in. Give Daddy Death one hug and I promise it’ll all be over quick.”

Discord hugged the wooden beam even tighter. “Don’t touch me! You’re all boney! And smelly! And old, too!”

Death chuckled. A chuckle as dry as dust. “I may be old, but I still know my facts quite well. Discord the draconequus: eight hundred and forty-five cases of probable death; fourteen accidental beheadings; eighty-one major heart attacks; living for centuries with severe diabetes; frostbite, indigestion, acid reflux; numerous cases of hitting toes on coffee tables; and, of course, the Big C.”

Discord gulped. “I have the Big C? You don’t mean…”

“Yes,” Death replied solemnly. “I’m afraid so, Discord: carpal tunnel syndrome. I’m sure from your many, many years of snapping fingers most carelessly. Now don’t you think it’s about time you greeted Death with some dignity after running away from it for so many years?”

Discord thought on that. For a whole four seconds. “Considering I haven’t greeted anyone with dignity thus far in this life, I don’t think I’m about to start. So tough titty, Death!”

Death pressed a hoof to his forehead. “Oh, bother. Fine. Have it your way.”

Then Death stood on his back hooves while he reached up with the sharp end of his scythe. A few times Death even managed to graze the tip of Discord’s swinging tail, before Discord curled it up around him.

“Stop that!” Discord warned. “Cut it out! No touchy!”

Again and again, Death continued to try and nab Discord down from the ceiling like some cat stuck up a tree.

“Please, Discord,” Death pleaded. “This is doing most terrible things to my knees and joints right now.” He turned to Fluttershy, who was huddled in a corner. “You wouldn’t happen to have a broom I could borrow? Or a stepladder, perchance?”

“Umm… maybe?”

Fluttershy went to grab a broom from the kitchen, handing it over to Death.

“Why are you helping him!?” Discord screamed at Fluttershy. “He’s trying to kill me!”

Again, Fluttershy retreated back to her corner. “I dunno. I guess I just like being helpful.”

The added broom gave Death an extra six inches with which to poke at Discord. He aimed for the kidneys. Hard. Regardless, Discord stayed glued to the wooden beam.

Discord glanced down at Fluttershy again. “You know this is Death, right? He probably killed that parrot of yours last year! You should be hating him so much right now!”

Fluttershy gasped. “Did you, Mr. Death? Did you really kill my parrot?”

Death continued trying to swat Discord down as he spoke. “Actually, that would’ve been one of my associates. I only have three names left on my list and none of them are parrots. My condolences, nonetheless. Crackers shall be missed.”

Fluttershy hesitated before asking, “Umm. Discord… but why haven’t you used any of your magic yet?”

Discord’s eyes shot open. “Oh, right! Magic! I’m chockfull of the stuff! I’m nearly bursting at the seams with it!”

Then he snapped himself out of the room to Who Knows Where.

Population: Discord.

Death let go of the broom and sat down on the floor in a huff. “Drat. I almost had him that time.” He turned to Fluttershy. “Draconequi have a terrible tendency of being caught off guard and forgetting about their vast magical abilities for a time. Until someone reminds them, that is.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy stared at her hooves. “Sorry about that. Then again… you were trying to kill one of my friends.”

“A friend that was meant to die many, many years ago,” Death corrected with a sigh.

The room became awkwardly silent.

“Would you care for some tea, Mr. Death?” Fluttershy asked.

***

The entire scene was rather quaint.

Up on a grassy hill. Picnic basket and blanket. Plates, forks, and knives scattered about. Slices of cakes and wedges of cucumber sandwiches. Glass jugs of lemonade and fruit punch swimming in ice cubes. And, of course, Twilight Sparkle and all her friends.

Princess Celestia and Luna included.

Rainbow Dash was currently in the middle of a story. “And that’s when I said to Soarin, ‘Just kiss me already’—” but she stopped when she caught sight of someone fervently running towards them. “Yeah, isn’t that Fluttershy?”

Twilight and the rest of them turned. “Odd. I thought she couldn’t come because she already had plans with Discord today.”

“Looks like someone must’ve broken them off,” Applejack added.

By the time Fluttershy got to the top of the hill, she was visibly gasping for air. Rarity levitated a glass of lemonade to her, which she polished off in a single long gulp.

“Discord! Pony! Cloak! Death! Bad things!” Fluttershy shouted the moment she finished her drink.

“Come again, darling?” Rarity said. “With more words and less shouting, perhaps?”

Fluttershy collapsed to the blanket. “I was just with Discord… when this pony showed up… looking for him… said he’s been chasing him for years…”

Luna snickered next to her sister. “That does indeed sound like Discord-type business. Did the draconequus owe the poor pony some bits, I wonder?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No. He said Discord owes him his life!”

Celestia’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean ‘his life’?”

“Just that!” Fluttershy squeaked. “A pony in a cloak came to my house and said that he was there to claim Discord’s life! And that he’s been trying to get at it for years!”

With a deep set scowl, Luna whirled to Celestia. “I thought you said you gave him the slip!”

“I did!” Celestia protested right back. “One hundred and fifty years ago! But that never meant he wouldn’t eventually find his way back from the Universe of Half-Finished Sent…”

The other six mares on the hill stared at the two of them.

Celestia’s face quickly flushed. “If you’ll all excuse us, I’ve just gotten the sudden urge to go sit on my throne and fill out some paperwork. Yes… paperwork.”

Luna’s hoof shot into the air. “And I will supervise! Good day to you all!”

And just as Discord had disappeared so suddenly, so did Celestia and Luna, zooming across the sky like white and blue cannonballs fired at high speed.

“Well, that was weird,” Twilight admitted.

Pinkie Pie agreed. “Yeah. Must’ve been some really important paperwork they forgot to do.”

Twilight turned to Fluttershy. “So what you’re basically saying is that Death came to your house to collect Discord? Sure it wasn’t just some pony in a costume playing a prank?”

“I don’t think so, Twilight,” Fluttershy said in a hushed voice. “I’ve never seen Discord so scared of someone before. And he just took off the moment he remembered he could!”

“He left you all alone with Death itself?” Applejack asked loudly. “What a jackass.”

“Actually, Death’s quite polite,” Fluttershy said with a faint smile. “After Discord left, we had tea and chatted for a bit. Death’s very proud of his dead grandchildren; although they never write to him anymore. On account of them all being dead.”

“So Death can still drink tea?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Doesn’t sound all that dead to me.”

“Oh, he most certainly is,” Fluttershy explained. “When we had tea, he asked for a bucket to stand in. He’s all bones underneath his cloak, so tea just goes right through him. He says he still likes it, though. He says it’s warm and reminds him of when he used to have actual working taste buds.”

“Where is Death now? Is he still after Discord?” Twilight asked in a sharp tone.

“Right after tea, Death fell asleep on the couch, so I covered him up with a blanket. I think Death’s very, very old by now. He forgot my name twice while we were talking.”

“Stutter Spy!” a voice in the distance yelled. “Stutter Spy! Are you around here?”

As if on cue, Death appeared at the very edge of the field, hobbling forward on his scythe.

Fluttershy waved to him. “We’re over here, Death! Umm… and it’s Fluttershy, remember?”

“Sorry, miss,” Death yelled back. “My mistake. Be there in a jiffy!”

A “jiffy” ended up taking a lot longer than anyone expected. Death kept on stopping in his tracks in order to catch his breath. Eventually, the six of them just went to him instead.

“So you’re Death, huh?” Rainbow Dash asked as they gathered around him.

“Yes, miss,” Death said. “One of many Deaths, in fact.”

“Prove it!”

“Alright.”

Death lowered his hood for a moment, as five out of the six mares before him recoiled in both fear and disgust. Fluttershy’s pink mane now held a streak of pure white going all the way down.

“I really need to hug some animals right about now,” she trembled out.

Rainbow Dash only smirked. “Neat.”

“So now that you all know who I am,” Death said with a yawn, “anyone care to tell me where Discord might be hiding? Or either of the Princesses?”

“The Princesses!?” Twilight blurted out suddenly. “Wait. You’re here for them, too?”

“Afraid so.” Out from his cloak, Death pulled out a long scroll of names. Most of them had already been crossed out. “Those three have been on my list for quite some time. The only remaining three names, actually.”

“So those are all ponies you’ve killed?” Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing next to him. “I hope you at least said sorry before you murdered them!”

“I haven’t killed anyone,” Death told her casually. “I’m only around to make sure the ponies that pass away get to the next phase of existence just as they’re supposed to. You see, I’m not just Death; I’m a Death Dealer—one of thousands around Equestria. When we start, every Death Dealer gets a list of one hundred names to look after. And once that list is finished, and all one hundred souls have been accounted for, that Death Dealer is able to retire in peace and quiet. The current record for finishing one’s list is thirty-six days; a little unfair, though, as the plague was quite prevalent around that time.”

Twilight raised a hoof. “Sorry to interject, but Discord and the Princesses… aren’t they immortal?”

Death chuckled. As dry as burnt toast covered in sand. “Would seem like that, wouldn’t it? No. The truth is those three are just rather good at avoiding me. What in Equestria is an Earth pony like myself supposed to do against two alicorns and a reality warping draconequus? Heck. I can hardly turn doorknobs anymore with these feeble four hooves of mine.”

“That seems a bit unfair,” Rarity told him, flicking a bit of mane out from her eyes. “What’s stopping any of them from simply flying away the moment they see you coming?”

“Exactly. I think it’s punishment from my Death Supervisor. I once called him a Spaghetti Head behind his back and he later found out about it. Never let it go, it seemed.”

Rainbow Dash cocked a brow. “Harsh punishment for such a lame insult.”

“Mind you, this was thousands of years ago—a very different time. Back then, calling someone a Spaghetti Head meant that their mane appeared rather similar to cooked spaghetti.”

This time Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “I’ll repeat what I just said—”

“And that they had sexual intercourse with their mother every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights. While eating spaghetti.”

“Oh. That’ll do it,” Rainbow Dash concluded.

Applejack took a step toward Death. “So what stopped you from getting at Discord when he was turned to stone for a thousand years? Or when Luna was banished to the moon?”

“Discord’s stone casing actually kept him safe from my touch,” Death told her. “And do you really think a pony on my salary could somehow afford a trip to the moon? Look at me! I’m nothing but bones and bones right now!”

Death laughed at his own joke. He was the only one laughing.

“Sorry, a little death humor for you all. I used to do standup comedy. Every night, I’d kill.”

Again, he laughed. Like dry twigs rubbing against crisp autumn leaves.

“Okay. I’ll stop now.”

Twilight asked Death tentatively, “You said you get to retire once all one hundred names on your list are accounted for. What did you mean by that?”

“That means my job will finally be complete and I’ll go on to better places,” Death said in a hopeful tone. “Yep. I’ll settle down in a condo complex I purchased long ago in Las Pegasus. Maybe start a little garden as long as I make sure to wear gloves.”

“And if Discord and the Princesses refuse to give themselves over to you?”

Death sighed. “Then the chase will continue. Until the ends of time itself.”

***

After being told a total of sixty-five times that neither Princess Celestia or Princess Luna were inside the castle and that they’d both recently relocated to the little known town of Who Knows Where (population: no one), Twilight decided to just teleported herself inside.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Celestia said the moment Twilight entered one of the castle’s hidden and locked away rooms. “We were just trying to get some fresh air. Together. All at the same time.”

At the moment Celestia, Luna, and Discord were all mashed together inside an open window. Clearly, stuck while trying to escape.

“Keep that cloaked bastard away from me!” Discord shrieked, trying his best to squeeze out from between both of the Princesses’ plush plots. “Discord ain’t ready for no death! Tell him to go kill a puppy instead! Or Scootaloo! I don’t care which!”

“I didn’t bring Death with me,” Twilight told them. “He’s back at Fluttershy’s.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?”

Discord snapped his fingers and he and the Princesses teleported out of the window. He hurriedly made for the door.

But Twilight halted him. “We need to talk. All four of us.”

“No, we don’t. We need to run!” Discord turned to the Princesses. “Right, ladies?”

Both Celestia and Luna nodded. “Right!”

Twilight slammed the doors and windows on the three of them. “I’m not letting any of you leave until we talk.”

Discord nervously grabbed at his ears. “What are you trying to do!? Get us all killed? If Death is in town, then that means we need to leave! Simple! What don’t you understand about that? I can’t die now! I’m… like… halfway done my first book! Of Mice and Manticores! Don’t spoil the ending, though. So far, I’m guessing it’s a happy ending. They all die, right?”

“Twilight, look, listen.” Celestia crossed the room to her, attempting to smile but failing hard. “I would just love to die right now. I would, I would. And I know I’ve been putting it off for some time, but… I just have so many meetings this week! And next week, too! Could Death possibly come back next month?”

Twilight’s silence seemed to say enough.

Celestia continued regardless, “But next month’s Flurry Heart’s birthday! I can’t miss that! And… and did you know dying on an odd numbered year is bad luck? How about next year? Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll check my schedule and have my people talk with Death’s people to set something up. How does that sound? Sound good? Unless I’m out of town that week, of course. You know how busy I get sometimes.”

Twilight frowned. “What you three are doing isn’t right. You can’t keep on cheating Death like this!”

“So you want us to die?” Discord said, shocked. “How cruel, Twilight. How very cruel.”

“You know that’s not what I meant!” Twilight tried to explain. “But look at it this way: as long as you three are still alive, Death can never rest. He’s old and tired. Cranky, too. And he’s been after you three for thousands of years already and until he crosses you off his list, he can’t call it quits.”

Luna stood firm beside her sister. “I believe I understand what you are getting at, Twilight. Together, Discord, Celestia, and I… shall kill Death until he is dead.”

Twilight rubbed at her temples. “I don’t think it works that way.”

“Fine,” Luna said curtly. “We shall go with Plan B, then.”

***

Death stood overtop the three bodies, scratching at the side of his hooded head with his scythe. “So they all just killed each other? Out of nowhere?”

Twilight and the rest of her friends nodded vehemently. “Yep! Should’ve seen it coming, honestly! Always fighting those three, I tell you what!”

On the ground in the center of Ponyville lay Discord, Celestia, and Luna, all with their hooves or hands wrapped around each others throats. All three of their tongues lolled out of their mouths goofily.

“Seems… odd,” Death said to himself. “Almost… suspicious.”

A trickle of sweat ran down Twilight’s cheek. She eyed the three figures on the ground, collectively holding their breaths so they wouldn’t move an inch.

A terrifying ten seconds later, Death shrugged his shoulders and brought out his long list of names, crossing off the remaining three.

He told them all, “Seems suspicious, but you know what? My Death Supervisor’s been dead for centuries. This is good enough for me.”

Everyone exhaled a sigh of relief. Even those “believed” to be dead on the ground.

Death seemed not to notice. Or care.

“One last thing,” Death began ominously enough, “before I can officially retire, I must pass down my scythe to someone—bring a new Death Dealer into this world, as it were.”

He scanned the row of wide-eyed mares, before tossing his scythe at Rainbow Dash.

“You seem capable enough. And the wings should help in tracking ponies down. Think you could beat the old record of thirty-six days?”

And that was when Death turned to hobble down the road and into the golden sunset beyond. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash just couldn’t seem to take her eyes off her new gift.

She smirked. “Neat.”

Author's Note

Was supposed to be playing the new Zelda this weekend, but it's late in the mail.

Looks like I'll keep writing instead... :raritycry::raritydespair::raritycry: