How Were We Supposed to Know They Couldn't talk...?
Life was pretty good for Jetta.
When she woke up in the morning she had oats and water waiting for her. After breakfast, her owners would come around to her stable so they could brush her coat and mane. When they were finished, they usually led her outside where her herd was waiting so she could spend the whole day socializing and grazing on grass.
Sure, sometimes it wasn’t all glamor and gold. Sometimes her owners would lead her to another part of the barn so they could put a bridle and saddle on her and ride her around. Other times men came around to touch her hooves or poke her with sharp things. There were times when her herd could have been better, and more than once she had gotten sick after eating the flowers from one of the bushes near the fence. But, all things considered, life could have been much harder for a horse.
At that moment, Jetta stood in the middle of the second field, partaking in one of her favorite activities: eating the weeds with the pretty purple flowers on them. A few feet from her, one of her sisters stood grazing on some grass, and down near the watering hole stood her stallion, drinking his fill.
The sun was hidden behind a wall of clouds, but it didn’t smell of rain. It also wasn’t warm enough that flies were buzzing around her and her herd. Other than the occasional nicker and whinny, the fields were silent.
Jetta noisily chewed her weeds, her face hidden behind the tall grass. Though busy eating, her ears swiveled to and fro, listening for any disturbances. For the whole morning and most of the day, the mare hadn’t heard anything out of the ordinary, but just as she was about to eat the last weed within reach, something caused her to perk up.
It wasn’t a sound that garnered her attention, but a feeling. A charge was starting to build in the air; like lightning, but far more powerful.
All around, her herd mates lifted their heads and looked about, suddenly alert.
Her stallion nickered, tossing his head. A young foal hid under its mother’s belly. A few mares began snorting and trotting around. Jetta stood still, her ears on a swivel.
The charge in the air began to intensify. The wind picked up, causing the grass to sway. Above the herd’s heads, a spark of energy appeared in the sky. For a moment, the sky seemed to grow brighter, the air warmer. The sparks of energy grew in frequency and intensity.
Though such a sight would have worried a human, the horses could feel that whatever was happening wasn’t going to cause them any harm. So, though some panicked and ran toward the stables, most stood their ground and waited.
Jetta nickered, stomping her hoof and tossing her head. The brightness was starting to condense right in front of her. Her tail flicking, the mare took a step back just in time as the brightness suddenly exploded into a bright light.
All around her, her herd could be heard neighing and kicking. Jetta just stood there in confusion, torn between lashing out or running away. Blinking the spots out of her eyes, the mare noticed that there were now three other horses standing in front of her.
“Wew… See? I told you it would work.”
“Very well done, Twilight Sparkle. We had no reason to doubt thee.”
“Yes. You did very well, Twilight. Now we should—oh, hello there!”
Snorting, Jetta took a step back.
The horses that stood before her were unlike any horse that she had ever seen. Their coats were too colorful, their eyes were too big. The tallest of them stood a foot shorter than her—which was saying something since she was one of the smaller mares in the herd—and each of them had a bone-like object poking out of their foreheads.
The tallest mare—at least it smelled like a mare—took a step toward her. Jetta, her ears splaying backwards, took another step back.
“My, my, you’re a very big filly are you?” the mare asked, cocking her head to the side. “And such a long face. And those eyes…”
The second tallest mare, a blue creature with a mane that moved on its own, rolled her eyes. “Sister, cease thy ramblings. We hath come here to broker peace between our peoples, not mock an ugly filly.”
The smallest mare cringed, her wings flapping at their sides. “I don’t think we should be calling anypony ugly, Princess Luna.”
The blue mare shrugged. “We shall not lie to the mare, young Sparkle. She no doubt owns a mirror.”
Jetta nickered, ceasing her retreat. She eyed each of the mares, her nostrils flaring.
They didn’t smell like horses. They had the same sharp, slightly bitter smell of her owners. This confused the mare, since they looked like her.
The three mares exchanged glances before the smallest trotted over to her. “I’m sorry about my fellow princesses, ma’am. Extremely long-distance teleportation makes ponies feel a little... loopy.”
Smiling, the mare offered her a hoof. “I’m very pleased to meet you. My name is Twilight Sparkle. The two behind me are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. The three of us have come from a land called Equestria, and if you don’t mind, we’d appreciate it if you would take us to your leader please.”
Jetta looked down at the offered hoof. Leaning over, she gave it a sniff before nibbling the edge of it.
The smile on Twilight Sparkle’s face vanished when she did this. It was replaced with a look of confusion and distress.
“I, um… okay.”
Slowly moving her hoof away, Twilight looked at her fellow princesses, who looked just as baffled as her. Looking far less confident than she had before, the purple princess took a few steps backward.
Jetta nickered, tossing her head.
“…Perhaps it is how their people say hello?” Luna quietly suggested. “This is a different world. Surely their customs are different as well.”
“Let’s see if she offers you her hoof, Twilight,” Celestia said, giving her ex- student a little push toward the mare.
Jetta cautiously made her way forward, her nostrils flaring.
Though Twilight wanted to retreat behind Celestia she stood her ground. Her fellow rulers had already been impolite with this poor mare here. If Equestria had any hope of establishing good relations with this world, she needed to be on her best behavior. She needed to show this mare that they were friendly and that they came in peace. So she stood there, mentally preparing herself to smell and nibble on a strangers hoof.
To both her relief and ever-mounting confusion, Jetta didn’t offer her hoof. Instead, the mare began sniffing her face while drawing back her lips to reveal massive, flat teeth.
Twilight dryly swallowed, offering her a small, unsure smile in return. “Yes… it’s v-very nice to meet you, ma’am. Now could you—HEY!”
Jetta, sniffing her way to the back of Twilight’s neck, grabbed a mouthful of the alicorn’s mane and gave it a tug. This didn’t go over every well with Twilight who, yelping, shoving the mare away with her magic.
“What the hay are you doing?!”
Jetta, now frightened and wild-eyed, let out a whinny before turning and racing away. Twilight was about to run off after the mare, but Celestia extended a wing, blocking her.
“No, Twilight,” she said, shaking her head. “Let the filly go.”
“But she—!”
“We were obviously speaking to the village idiot,” Luna said, her feathers ruffling. “There is no need to become upset, Twilight. Look, a stallion is already making his way toward us, no doubt to apologize for that one’s lack of manners.”
A black stallion made his way over to the three, his black eyes wide and curious. Luna, seeing him, smiled.
“Hello good gentlestallion. We art Princess Luna,” she said, offering a hoof.
The stallion looked at the hoof before, just like Jetta, leaning over and smelling it.
A frown came to Luna’s face, and she pulled her hoof away before he could start biting her shoes. “Yes, well, though thy herd mate was terribly rude, we are happy to forget such an incident. In fact, my sister and I wish apologize ourselves since we may have insulted her somehow.”
“He’s a big one, isn’t he?” Celestia murmured, a glint in her eye.
Twilight nodded as the stallion took a step forward and gave Luna’s face a sniff. “Big and quiet... I wonder why they’re smelling us like that?”
Celestia shrugged as the stallion, ignoring whatever her sister was saying, slowly circled her. “I honestly have no idea, my dear. Maybe these ponies rely on their sense of smell far more than we do?”
“But why haven’t they said anything? The translator spells seem to be working fine. They should be able to understand us.”
The stallion nosed Luna’s side, causing the alicorn to twitch. He then let out a soft nicker. Though Luna wanted nothing more than to shove the stallion away with a sharp reprimand but she contained herself, her years of diplomacy taking over.
“Please, gentlecolt. Cease that nonsense so that we may—”
That diplomacy was shattered into a million pieces however, the moment the stallion pushed his muzzle under her tail and began smelling.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Hmm. Big, silent, and forward. What a fantastic combination…”
Luna tensed, her eyes widening. “WHAT ART THOU—?!”
Snorting, the massive stallion reared up and attempted to mount the outraged alicorn. Unfortunately for him, he picked the wrong mare.
Luna’s horn crackled to life, and before the stallion could place a hoof on her he found himself floating in the air. His eyes widened in panic and he began to neigh and whinny, all four legs kicking. This neighing only grew louder as, with a snarl, Luna tossed the stallion through the air.
He let out a frightened scream, crashing to the ground in a heap, snorting and panicked but thankfully unharmed. Scrambling to his hooves, he raced away as quickly as he could.
“THOU DARES TO ASSAULT OUR ROYAL POSTERIOR?!” Luna snarled, her eyes blazing with power. “WE SWEAR UPON OUR MOON THAT THERE WILL BE WAR! THE ARMIES OF EQUESTRIA SHALL COME WITH IRON AND FIRE! WE SHALL BURN THY HOMES AND USE THY STALLIONS AS BREEDING STOCK THOU—”
Luna was about to launch herself into the air, intent on chasing after the stallion and beating him into a pulp, only for Celestia to tackle her.
“Luna calm down,” she said, wrapping both wings around her.
Luna hissed like an angry cat, trying her hardest to free herself.
“NEIGH! HE ATTEMPTED TO SAMPLE THE ROYAL COOKIES!”
“Their customs might be—”
“WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR CUSTOMS! WE WILL NOT HAVE SOME UGLY CUR MOUNTING US AS IF IT WERE HIS RIGHT! WE ART ROYALTY, AND WE DEMAND TO BE TREATED AS SUCH!”
Though she was trying her best to look calm and collected, the confusion and concern on Celestia’s face could be seen as clear as day. “I’m sure that there’s a perfectly good reason as to why that stallion did what he did.”
“HE TRIED TO MOUNT US, TIA!”
“He could be in heat, Luna. I’m not condoning what he did, but you know how some ponies get when they’re in season.”
Luna, turning around to look at her sister, opened her mouth to continue arguing, only for Celestia to raise a hoof.
“I’m not trying to say that what that colt did was right, sister. In fact, when the three of us find somepony with any sense we’re going to make sure that stallion is reported and justice is brought down upon him.”
Though she didn’t looked particularly happy, Luna, red in the face, nodded. Seeing this, the smile on Celestia’s face turned a bit more genuine.
“And look! There’s a mare coming toward us right now. She looks like a sensible one. Hopefully she’ll be able to help us.”
Another mare, a good deal bigger than Jetta, slowly made her way toward the three, her ears folded against her skull.
Taking a step forward, Celestia cleared her throat, standing tall and proud. “Good afternoon, my dear. My name is Princess Celestia of Equestria. My companions and I are—”
With an angry whinny, the mare darted forward, her teeth bared. Celestia barely had enough time to move out of the way before she was bit.
“What in Equestria—!”
The mare spun around, trying to kick the princess again and again. Celestia, both confused and outraged, dodged each kick.
“Please stop this at once!” she commanded, her horn sparking to life. “I do not wish to hurt you, but if you keep—”
Before the princess could finish her sentence, a shrill whistle filled the air. The mare, who was about to try to lunge toward Celestia for another bite, perked up. Her head snapped to the side and, with a whinny, she turned around and raced off.
Celestia, her breath heavy from the unexpected physically activity, looked around for the source of the noise. She found it sitting on top of the fence near the watering hole. Two creatures, unlike any that the princess had ever seen, were staring back at her. Luna and Twilight quickly followed her gaze, and soon both groups were eyeing each other.
“Sweet harmony above, what sort of creature needs to cover itself so?” Luna said, eyeing their dirty, worn jeans and their equally dirty work shirts.
“I don’t know. Maybe they’re some kind of pet that the ponies here dress up?” Twilight suggested, her tail flicking. “If they are, we should try to buy one. They look awfully cute with those shoes…”
Celestia said nothing, simply eyeing the two creatures while they calmly looked her up and down. After several seconds of this she slowly made her way toward them.
“Good afternoon,” she said, bowing her head.
One of the creatures, spitting a brownish liquid into an empty Coca-Cola can, nodded his head.
“Mornin’,” he replied.
He then turned toward his fellow creature. “Told you they were talkin’.”
The other one took a bite out of the sandwich he was holding. “Yeah. I figured they could talk after the blue one started makin’ a fuss when ol’ Joel tried to mount her.”
Luna flushed, looking down at the ground. Twilight, realizing that they had finally found two sensible creatures, quickly made her way to her old teacher’s side.
“Hello there,” she said with her best smile. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. This is Princess Celestia and the mare behind us is Princess Luna.”
“What a pair of exotic-looking males,” Celestia murmured with a thoughtful flick of her tail. “Not as strapping as that big colt, but not every mare wants a hulking giant…”
Giving her old teacher a nudge, Twilight took another step toward the two. The two males, in response, hopped off of the fence and stood to their full, impressive heights.
The Princess of the Sun let out a low whistle. “Nevermind. It seems size is the predominate feature of males on this world… Interesting…”
“I’m Bill. That one right there is Nye,” one of them said. “It’s very nice to meet yinz.”
The two cautiously made their way over to Twilight and Celestia. Bill, a thoughtful expression on his face, kneeled down in front of Twilight while Nye stood in front of Celestia.
Though the grizzled, hardened farmhands knew that they probably should be getting on a phone to call someone about this, they found themselves drawn to the rather adorable little ponies. Mental warnings of abduction and probing were pushed to the back of their minds as they took in the alicorn’s features.
Gleaming coats, big, pretty eyes, a small muzzle and hourglass-shaped bodies. The two men might not have been the smartest creatures in the world, but they knew that they weren’t looking at anything from this planet. They were aliens; creatures that had appeared in a flash of light.
This was a momentous occasion, one which would most likely change the world forever, but at that moment the only thing these two men could think about was how cute these horse-like beings looked.
“They’ll pretty small for horses, ain’t they?” Bill asked, cupping Twilight’s face with rough, leathered hands.
Twilight was about to protest, fearing that she was going to be smelled or nibbled on again, but Bill’s years of experience handling horses gave him a distinct advantage over her. With a few touches and scratches Twilight turned into mush in his hands, her eyelids fluttering closed.
“They ain’t horses, Bill, they’re aliens,” Nye corrected, scratching Celestia’s chin, much to her delight. “Look at ‘em. Do they look like any horse you’ve ever seen?”
Bill chewed on a lip while Twilight, humming, leaned into his touch.
“…Nah, I don’t think so,” he said after a pause, eyeing her horn and her wings. “I ain’t never seen a horse with wings or a horn, an’ I ain’t never seen one this skinny.”
“Yeah, they kinda look like deer don’t they?” Bill said, checking Celestia’s teeth while a frowning Luna made her way over to them. “All three of ‘em are lookers though, ain’t they?”
“Yep. Real cute.”
“Gentlestallions, could thou cease touching our companions and take us to thy princess? We hath come to this world for an important task. We would also like to bring to light the indignations that her subjects heaped upon us,” Luna said, using a spell to lift Nye’s hands from her sister.
Celestia, no longer feeling those magical limbs on her royal person, let out a whine. The tip of her horn glowed, and Nye’s hands were right back where they belonged.
“Hush Luna. These gentlestallions just wish to say hello before they take us to the pony in charge. Now wait your turn.”
Luna’s nose scrunched up. “Sister. Young Twilight and I spent three fortnights preparing for this expedition. We must stop bothering with the locals and start seeking somepony that can give us aid!”
“Well ma’am, if ya really need to talk to someone, I’m sure me an’ my brother can get on over to the house an’ call someone,” Nye suggested, giving Celestia’s neck a scratch.
Celestia hummed, her wings fluttering at her sides. “Yes we—oh, just like that dear—would very much appreciate it.”
The mare that had tried to bite the princess slowly made her way toward the group, her ears pinned against her sides. Bill, still scratching Twilight, looked over at her and frowned.
“Hey Lilith! None of that. You get on going now.”
The mare snorted, stomping a hoof.
“No. If you’re gonna be pissy then get outta here. I don’t want you starting a war with the aliens. Now git before I drag you back to your stable.”
Luna watched with some amazement as the mare, tossing her head with an angry whinny, turned around and walked away. “My… it seems thou hast a way of speaking to mares.”
“Lilith’s always ornery around new folks,” Bill said with a shrug. “Likes to bite an’ kick if you’re not careful. Makes it a pain to ride her.”
Celestia perked up. “Oh, so you and that mare are partners?”
“Eh, I’ll ride her if I need to, but I mostly ride ol’ Joel.”
“Oh really?” the princess asked, her smile turning saucy. “How… progressive. And does your Lilith have issue with this?”
Bill’s brow furrowed. “I don’t think so,” he said, playing with her ears. “Ol’ Joel likes to be ridden, but he’s smart enough to know that every once in awhile, a fella's gotta mount up on another horse.”
Luna’s frown deepened. “Sister…”
Celestia ignored her, giving the human in front her her bedroom eyes. “So I assume that you’re well versed in riding a mare then?”
“Yes ma’am. I’ve been ridin’ them all my life.”
Stepping forward, Celestia leaned up and nuzzled Bill’s chest. “Well, I know this might seem a little forward, but if you’d be willing I’d be happy to give you a ride~”
“I think I might be a bit too big for you, ma’am,” Bill said with a chuckle.
“Celestia, we hath no time for thy shenanigans! We need to—”
“Where’s your sense of adventure, sister mine? Nye was already kind enough to contact the proper authorities. Since that no doubt is going to take some time, why can’t we just sit back and enjoy ourselves with these fine gentlecolts until they get here? A little ride might even help bring our peoples closer together.”
Celestia licked her lips, staring up into Bill’s eyes. “And Bill? I wouldn’t worry about being too big for me. I’m sure, with some proper warming up, I’ll be able to fit all of you~”
To the alicorn’s delight, the farmhand shrugged.
“Alright, if you really wanna. Just let me go an’ get a saddle an’ reins.”
“Oh my…”
“An’ it might be a good idea to get some barrels too. I wanna see what you can really do.”
“Oh, you dirty colt you~”
~_~_~_~_~_~_
“Ha! Ha! Come on now! Come on now!”
Luna watched as her sister raced around a barrel at full tilt. Gone was her royal finery and regalia. It had been replaced with a sturdy leather saddle and a bright red bridle. Her coat, usually spotless and perfectly maintained, looked messy and unkempt.
Even from where she sat, she could see sweat coating Celestia’s fur. She could see her sister’s dirty hooves and she could see her heaving belly and wild eyes.
The mare before her wasn’t the well-mannered, elegant royal that she had been a few hours ago. She looked crazed, almost feral, more wild animal than a civilized creature.
Sighing in both irritation and resignation, Luna leaned into Nye’s hand as he gave her ear a scratch. The young colt—or human as they called themselves—was sitting on a battered and dirty chair. Twilight was snoozing in his lap, her wings wrapped around his middle and her head on his shoulder as he petted her.
“So we were incorrect in assuming that ponies were sapient?” she asked.
“I’m afraid so, ma’am,” Nye replied, leaning back into his chair. “We got a few horses on the farm that are pretty smart, but most of ‘em are as dumb as a box of rocks.”
“So the mare attacking my sister was just a creature defending her territory.”
“I wouldn’t go sayin’ that. Lilith’s always like that.”
“And the stallion…?”
“Ol’ Joel’s like that too. Even though he’s gettin’ along in years he’s a randy SOB.”
Luna shook her head, a blush coloring her cheeks. “We knew that something was amiss,” she murmured. “The truth was right in front of our faces but we were to blind to see it…”
“It ain’t that hard to see why you’d think horses were smart; what you bein’ horses an’ all…”
Luna grumbled, trying her hardest to be upset even while the human was making her shiver in delight. Improper or not, she did very much care for these pets.
“Yes, well, we art happy that we came to the realization before we did something too silly,” she said. “Now all we need do is wait for the authorities to come. They will be here post haste, yes?”
“Yep. We’re kinda outta the way, an’ I don’t think the Sheriff believed me, so we’re gonna be waitin’ for a bit.”
“Come on! Get on it! Get on it!”
Bill leaned with Celestia as the two weaved around a barrel. He seemed completely at ease on top of the alicorn, holding her reins confidently as he urged her on.
Luna couldn’t help but let out a snort at the outlandishness of it all, resting her head on Nye’s leg. “We hath been alive for many, many years, dear Nye, and not once hath we ever found ourselves in such a situation.”
She sighed again, nuzzling his leg as his hand moved to the space just above her horn.
“Contact with another nation is a dignified and ceremonious affair, moreso in a new world entirely, not… this.”
Nye smiled apologetically. “I’m mighty sorry that you had to meet us simple folk instead of someone that could really help ya, your highness.”
“Tis not your fault, my colt. Our spell sent us where it willed, we could not have altered our course even if we wished.”
“Well… at least someone will come and help yinz out soon.”
“…Yes, I suppose.”
“An’ at least that sister of yours is having a bit of fun, right?”
Luna’s gaze snapped back to Celestia just as she let out a wildly inappropriate whinny. Nose scrunching up, she shook her head and closed her eyes.
“We fear that our sister is having far more fun than she should,” she grumbled. “Far, far more…”
