Assy McGee Shows up on a Big-ass Ass-Bus

by Justice3442

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Self Insert, Random, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Sex
Length: 3339

It's not as bad as you're thinking. It's much worse.

It's not as bad as you're thinking. It's much worse.

Inspired by a conversation with Majin Syeekoh.

Published 2017-04-01 10:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-01 10:00:02 UTC

Happy Liar's Day, Everypony!

‘HONK! HONK!’ was the sound Applejack heard moments before she was plowed into by something large, fast and heavy. It was then that she knew that today wasn’t like the other days. That today, in fact, would suck… An idea that was reinforced like so much metal that stood over her, blocking out the sun as she laid broken and bleeding on the Ponyville path.

“Holy sun-goddess!” Came Twilight’s reply. “Is that… as that a big-ass bus in Equestria?! Designed to look like a big-ass?!” Twilight peered quizzically at the front of the double-decker bus that had two large peach-colored cheeks in the front where usually a windshield would be. “How… How does anyone see where they’re going?!” She momentarily toyed with the idea of spreading the cheeks to look for a hole, but realization suddenly hit Twilight like… Well… not quite as hard as a big-ass ass-bus hitting a pony, but pretty hard. “Ughhh…. Somepony get me a calendar!” Twilight cried. “My baby dragon for a calendar.”

“What was that?!”

“Nothing, Spike!” Twilight called back.

“… Twi… Twilight?” came Applejack’s strained groan from under the bus.

“Let me guess!” Twilight said, either not hearing or ignoring Applejack as she began to pace around the bus. “Aperson on a way to a convention ended up in Equestria under mysterious circumstances!”

“… Twilight?!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’ll give you even odds on if they intend to help us with their magic costume that gives them powers or are just here to make a mess out of everything!”

“Twilight!”

Twilight began to mumble to herself, “I hope they’re not dressed as Deadpool… At this point, I’d settle for the real Deadpool… At least his birthday party was fun.”

“Twwwiiiiliiiiight Sparkle!”

Twilight bent down and shot an indignant look under the bus. “I’ve got a crisis here, Applejack!”

“I’m under a big giant thing that HIT me, Twilight!”

“It’s called a ‘bus’, AJ!”

“Okay… I’m under a bus and probably concussed…”

Pinkie Pie suddenly popped out of Twilight’s mane much to the purple alicorn’s confusion and disfavor. “Ooo! Ooo! Applejack’s a poet and didn’t know it!”

Twilight frowned heavily at Pinkie as she emerged from her mane and bounced on the ground in front of Twilight. “‘Bus’ and ‘concussed’ just share a vowel, Pinkie… It’s barely a rhyme!”

“Bleeding here!” Applejack moaned out. “Losing blood, and consciousness…”

Twilight peeked under the bus. “Don’t lose consciousness if you’re concussed, Applejack. It’s super bad for you.”

Twilight lifted her head to see Pinkie shoot her a pout. “It still counts Twilight! It still counts!”

“Counts for what?!”

“I’m making a book of poems I hear!” Pinkie said excitedly. “Ooo! Ooo! Do you want to hear one?”

“N—”

“There once was a man from Nantucket…”

“Oh, Celestia!” Twilight walked up to the door of the bus and rapped on it with a forehoof. “Whoever is in there, please come out! It can’t possibly be worse than this!”

“I’M BLEEDING TO DEATH UNDER A BUS, TWILIGHT!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Earth Pony stamina,” Twilight answered. “Walk it off.”

“My legs are broken, Twilight!”

Pinkie cringed. “Well, that’s no fun! Guess I’ll get the shotgun… Ooo! Ooo! I’ve got to write that one down!”

Twilight let out another groan. “Come out of the bus! I just want to get this over with so I can lock myself up in my room with my boyfriend for the rest of this stupid day!”

As if he was hiding in them and waiting for his cue, Flash Sentry emerged from some nearby bushes. “You called, Princess?”

Twilight turned to him with a heavy frown. “Not yet! I need to deal with this bus situation.”

“And me!” Applejack reminded.

“Don’t rush me, Applejack!” Twilight yelled back. “One thing at a time!”

Flash scrunched his lips up to one side of his mouth as he looked at the bizarre motorized vehicle that had shown up at of nowhere. “Can’t you just… You know… Throw it into the sun?”

Twilight stared at Flash for a moment. “You want me to use my considerable alicorn powers to sidestep my royal duties and just throw this bus, which arrived mysteriously, into the sun?”

“I like this idea!” Applejack chimed in.

“Yes,” Flash answered simply.

Twilight furrowed her brow at him. “As tempting as that is, it’s also grossly irresponsible!”

“You’d be saving a life!” Applejack said.

Twilight rolled her eyes and continued, “Why would you even suggest that?” Twilight cocked her head in realization. “This is so we can have sex sooner, isn’t it?”

Flash shrugged. “Sorry. I’m a guy… I can’t really help it.”

Twilight mentally chewed on that for a moment. “Well, I guess you are wired a different way, so perhaps—” Twilight was cut off as the bus door hissed and collapsed.

Pinkie let out a shriek of alarm and suddenly dashed off.

The first thing Twilight saw from inside the bus was a large ass attached to a pair of legs and feet and nothing else, the second thing she saw was a large gun which was drawn without so much as a finger laid upon it. Next, she got a good look at the inside of the barrel of the gun. This was quickly followed by a flash of orange and a splash of red as multiple gunshots erupted.

With less time it takes to breathe in and out, Flash Sentry was dead at Twilight’s feet.

As realization set in, Twilight looked up at the big-ass who held the big-ass gun and waited for the bullet that would send her to join her love in the next life, but it never came.

“Alright…” said the big butt in a gruff voice. “What do we have here?”

Realizing her end would not be coming anytime soon, Twilight took another look down at Flash’s bullet-riddled, blood-soaked corpse.

She sighed. “Good thing I unlocked the secrets of life and death already… Spiiiiike!”

“Whaaaat?!”

“Flash is dead!”

“... Again?!”

“Yes! Again! Get the baking soda!”

“… You’re thinking about stain removal!”

“… I might be thinking of stain removal…” Twilight let out another sigh as she locked her big amethyst eyes with two big fleshy ass cheeks. “Can I help you?”

With alarming speed, the ass on legs was suddenly almost cheeks to muzzle in front of Twilight. “Don’t worry… I’m a cop. Name’s Assy… Assy McGee.” Assy punctuated his statement with a short toot.

“Blech!” Twilight exclaimed as she took a step back and attempted to wave away the smell from in front of her. “You smell worse than Rainbow Dash after a cider bender…”

“Drunkenness…” Assy uttered as a hip flask appeared from behind him and was somehow shoved directly between his cheeks. After a few ‘glugs’ the flask was removed. “Horrible habit… Just horrible… This city is rotten with crime… and I’m the cure!”

“…That’s not even…” Twilight shook her head. “Look there’s basically no crime in Ponyville. Just go to Manehattan or something!”

Assy’s cheeks turned one way than the other. “What about the poor dead sap lying on the ground?”

“You did that!” Twilight said.

Assy walked up to the fallen body of Flash and loomed over it silently, seemingly examining it morosely. “A soldier fallen in the line of duty… Tragic… but he would have wanted it this way…”

“Pretty sure Flash would prefer not to have been shot!” Twilight retorted irritably. “… Wait… How’d you know he was a soldier?”

Assy once again stepped up to Twilight. “I’m a cop! I have a nose for this sort of thing.” He said before letting out a small squeak of gas.

“But, you don’t have—”

“Twilight?” Pinkie called out as she slowly raised her head out of a bush. “Is it safe to—?”

“Get down, Princess!”

“How’d you know- oh geez!”

Assy suddenly placed a foot on Twilight and forced her to the ground as he opened fire on Pinkie, connecting with several shots which hit the pink mare in the face.

“… Wow, rude!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Twilight looked up from the ground. “You’re okay?!”

“NO!” Applejack hollered.

“Not you!” Twilight shouted back. “I meant, Pinkie!”

“Well, d’uuuuuh!” Pinkie answered. “I think I’m made out of rubber bands and cotton candy, or something!” she shrugged. “I can only be hurt if it’s convenient to the plot.”

“That was a close one…” Assy uttered as he lowered his gun, a cigarette and a lighter suddenly appeared in front of him. Soon the cigarette was lit and placed between his cheeks.

Pinkie let out a huge gasp and simply stared at Twilight. “Twilight? Have you ever seen anything so funny you’re not sure if you can laugh ever again?”

Twilight got up and rose a forehoof to her forehead. “Remind me to take Flash’s ‘just throw it into the sun’ advice under more consideration when he’s awake.”

“… Uh… Or alive?” Pinkie reminded.

“That, too,” Twilight replied.

“Oh my gosh, Applejack!” Apple Bloom's worried voice suddenly called out as she bounded up to the bus. “Are ya hurt?! Do you need help?”

“Yes and YES, Apple Bloom!”

Apple Bloom lowered her head. “Ah don’t think I can get you out, there’s like… this big metal blank-flank thing on you!”

“It’s called a BUS!” Twilight exclaimed.

“No one cares, Twilight!” Applejack said. “Apple Bloom! Just go get Big Ma—“

“Step aside! Police business!” Assy said as he roughly pushed Apple Bloom aside. Bending his knees, his cheeks lowered to the ground, pointed in Applejack’s general direction. “This horse has been hit by a bus.”

Twilight shook her head. “Right… Just going to evaporate my problems with magic!”

A gun was suddenly leveled in Twilight’s face. “That sounds like—” ‘toot’ “— a crime!” Assy said as dramatically as he could.

“Yeah, well…” Twilight shrugged. “I know crimes against nature, and trust me, you—”

“Wait, Twilight Sparkle!” a melodic, heavenly voice like a Vienna Choir hyped up on helium called out.

Twilight groaned. “Speaking of crimes against nature…”

A rainbow-colored foot adorned with crystal and rainbow regalia stepped out followed by a raven-black pony-like creature with a flowing neon mane, sparkling gem-like eyes that changed color under her large horn and bat ears. The pony flew on gossamer wings out of the bus, her other two pony legs joining the first along with her Draconequus leg and dragon tail.

Twilight groaned. “Hello again, Magic Pants…”

“Ah changed my mind,” Applejack said. “Jus’ leave me to die.”

“What?!” Apple Bloom exclaimed in alarm. “You sure?”

Magic Pants regarded Twilight with a somewhat disappointed gaze, but it was a gaze that was also full of forgiveness and love. “You should know better than to judge a creature by how it looks and also acts, Twilight Sparkle,” Magic Pants said in a motherly, calming, chastising tone.

“Pretty sure…” Applejack answered.

Apple Bloom whimpered in response.

Assy walked up to Magic Pants and waved his gun about in the air. “It’s alright… I’ve secured the perimeter!”

“You killed my boyfriend!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Sometimes to make an omelet you’ve got to shoot a hostage or two.”

“BUT HE WASN’T!...!” Twilight shot Magic Pants a furious glare. “What the heck is this about?!”

“All creatures deserve love, Twilight Sparkle,” Magic Pants said in a wise, knowing voice that immediately soothed like lemon salt balm on an open wound. “I’ve brought Assy here so that he may finally know love and acceptance.”

“… Seriously, Twilight…” Applejack uttered. “Just melt the bus on top of me… I’m ready to go.”

“But he kills ponies!” Twilight cried.

Magic Pants rolled her eyes magnificently. “Not all the time!”

“I do what I have to to get the job done!” Assy declared. "I know some may not approve of my methods, but they get the job done and put criminals behind bars where those disrty scumbags belong!"

“THERE’S NO CRIMINALS HERE!” Twilight insisted.

“Uhhh… Twilight?!” Starlight Glimmer’s voice wafted over, joining the conversation.

“There MIGHT soon be a criminal here!” Twilight clarified. She turned. “What is it Star-AH!” Twilight called out in alarm.

“Okay, first thing I’d like to say,” Starlight began, “is I only made one of these things… I don’t know where the second one came from.”

Twilight looked out in shock at the entity standing next to Starlight. It had her tail, cutie mark, and a flank to hold both those things, but nothing else save a pair of legs to keep it upright.

Pinkie stared at the new arrival as its tail swished to and fro. “Welp! I think the comedy center in my brain just melted.” She trotted off. “I need some ‘not even comedy’ to fix it… If anyone needs me I’m going to be staring at Family Circus comics until I’m blindingly angry…”

“Uh… Hello?” Starlight’s flank greeted. “I’m Flanklight Glimmer.”

“I can see that!” Twilight said.

“Ah can’t,” Applejack said. “Thank, Celestia…”

Twilight turned towards Starlight with a glare. “Do I even have to say anything?!”

Starlight’s ears dropped around her head as she lowered it. “Sorry! I was trying to make a clone to help me with my chores and magic and well…”

“UGH!” Twilight exclaimed. “No! That’s a huge, no-no! Starlight! That never works!” Twilight insisted. “You just end up with abominations or perfect clones that eventually insist they’re the real you! Either way, it ends in death and we’re already running out of room for corpses in the garden!”

Starlight threw her forehooves in the air. “Well now you tell me!”

“Don’t try to make this sound like it was my fault!” Twilight hissed. “You made this… thing! You’ve got to take responsibility.”

Starlight sighed heavily. “You’re right, Twilight…” she uttered as her horn began to glow electric blue. “Guess I’ve still got a lot to lea—”

“Now hold on a minute!” Assy exclaimed as he pushed past Twilight, pistol whipped Starlight and then hit her a few more times for good measure as she let out a yelp and fell to the ground. He walked straight up to Flanklight, his rosy cheeks pointed towards her purple ones. “This… This woman is beautiful… I’ve never”—‘toot’ “—I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my life.”

Flanklight stood completely motionless except for her heart… assuming he had one… “You’re… you’re… you’re perfect!”

Magic Pants cleared her throat in an annoyed, but still dignified and glorious manner.

Groaning and rubbing her bruised face, Starlight got up and suddenly took note of Magic Pants. She stared at her for a few seconds then turned towards Twilight. “Erm… one of yours…?”

Twilight shook her head. “No! Don’t make eye contact.”

“Oh… uh… alright…”

“Words… failing…” Assy uttered. “Should have sent a poet…”

“Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie exclaimed as she suddenly erupted from between Assy’s cheeks holding a newspaper with a butcher’s knife stuck through it. “There once was a boy named Kevin! Who used a vacuum to stretch it to seve—”

“Pinkie!” Twilight chastised. “Get away from the abominations.”

Starlight grinned. “Don’t you mean abottomations!”

Twilight glared at Starlight.

Starlight sighed. “I’ll just go back inside the castle…”

Pinkie took a few steps back just as Assy and Flanklight launched themselves against each other, going cheek to cheek as light toots and the sounds of sloppy kissing suddenly filled the air.

“Awww! That’s soooo sweet and beautiful!” Pinkie commented.

Magic Pants once again cleared her throat. This time louder and more majestically than before.

Pinkie responded by calmly producing a can of hairspray and a lighter from her mane and shooting a small jet of fire directly at Magic Pants.

“Awww…” Magic Pants said with the soothing smoothness of cold butter spread on room temperature bread. “Finally, the warmth of acknowledgment.”

Apple Bloom stared at the scene in front of her, her eyes wide and eyelids twitching. “Uh… Applejack? Is there room under the bus?”

“Yeah, sure…” Applejack said. “Jus’… mind the blood…”

“Ah will,” Apple Bloom said as she crawled under the bus.

Magic Pants nodded in a satisfaction that resonated through the cosmos like the Devil crying after catching his junk in his fly. “My work here is done! Quickly, new lovers! We must away!” With that, Magic Pants dove splendidly into the bus, taking up her cheeky companions in a neon glow.

Twilight looked down at her dead boyfriend as the bus roared to life causing Apple Bloom to let out a small squeak of distress and gallop away. Twilight shook her head. “I really need to remember that ‘secret to life and death’ recipe…” She turned towards Starlight. “Is there room in the freezer?”

Starlight frowned. “Well… we just got all that frozen pizza…”

Twilight glared. “So we take some out!”

“But it’ll thaw and get all soggy if we don’t eat it!” Starlight whined.

“Do I need to remind you I need the space to keep Flash preserved?!”

Starlight shrugged. “So he’ll be a bit ripe when you remember how to bring him back! Just like… Have him take a shower when you raise him! Heck! You can even join him! I’m sure you’d both like that!”

Twilight paused and rubbed her chin thoughtfully.

Pinkie looked over this scene carefully. “There’s something seriously wrong with both of you,” she said. “Now please consider the source of that statement.”

The bus belched out a cloud of black smoke from its tailpipe and took off, the back windows suddenly exploding in a flurry of glass and blue as a winged pony with a long horn dove out.

“OW!” Applejack exclaimed as the pony landed on her. “WHY?!”

“BECAUSE IT’S FUNNY!” the new arrival announced in a masculine voice.

“Ah disagree!” Applejack said. “Also… Ah hate you.”

“That’s fair!” the blue pony said as he got up and dusted himself off and attempted to straighten his long black hair and beard with his hooves. “How do I… Ghah… Frickin’ hooves…”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at the new arrival. “Hello, Justice,” she greeted coldly. “Thanks for making my April 1st worse than usual.”

Justice turned and returned the cold look he was getting. “Hey! Don’t look at me like that! I’m the victim here!”

“Again, Ah disagree!” Applejack moaned.

Justice continued, either not hearing or ignoring Applejack, “Do you know how long I was stuck at Magic Pant’s place!? Do you have any idea what it’s like?!” Justice cringed. “It was like watching a marathon of sesame street licking a stamp-sheet worth of acid tabs!” Justice clanked skyward and shrugged slightly. “Or so I’d imagine… I don’t actually do drugs, contrary to what all my readers think.”

Pinkie let out a squeal of delight. “Justice! When are you going to update The Wheel and the Butterfly?! And also Love Call of the Sirens?! And also do the last few chapters of Tooth-Hurty and Sunset Shimmer is MAD—”

“I get it!” Justice snapped. “I have a lot of work to finish!”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes at Justice. “And yet you decided to spend your time writing this silly thing!”

“I will not apologize for art, Pinkie!”

“I don’t mean to be rude…” Twilight began.

“But you’re about to,” Justice replied with an eye roll. “Just spit it out Twilight, and I can do without the royal ‘tude.”

“What?!” Twilight protested. “I don’t have a royal ‘tude!”

“Oh, my mistake,” Justice said. “You’re just like that naturally.”

Pinkie giggle snorted and Applejack even let out a few laughs, followed by a few coughs, followed by an alarming amount of blood.

“GHA! Can you just go?!” Twilight exclaimed. “I have to remember how to revive my dead boyfriend!”

“Baking powder,” Justice said.

“Oh… right…” Twilight replied. “So that’s how I messed that up.”

Pinkie turned towards Justice. “So now that you’re back, what are you going to do now?”

Justice turned and smiled wide. “End this story without a punchline! Or am I?!”

The End.

Pinkie giggled to herself as she looked up at the giant letters in the sky. “Oh, you.”

Justice munched on the end of a large orange carrot, “A’int I a stinker?”