Dr. Twilight Sparkle's House of Horrors and Unusual Shenanigans

Chapters

Ghosts Are The Hobos of The Graveyard If You Really Think About It
You Can Fight Anything If Your Boss Pays You Enough
There's Bureaucracy Even In The Field of Mad Science
You Wish That Was Just A Monster Under Your Bed
Poking Someone's Brain Is Fine If That Person Stole Your Socks
It's Okay To Ask For Blood As Long As you Don't Tell Them What It's For

Ghosts Are The Hobos of The Graveyard If You Really Think About It

Ponyville Cemetery was a very nice plot of land, all things considered. The grounds were well taken care of. Twice a week the grass was cut. The tombstones were washed monthly or when needed. Most ponies in town that had family resting there came every few weeks to place flowers or some little knickknack on or near the graves. No black cats roamed the grounds, and the ghost population was below average compared to similar facilities in Canterlot. It wasn’t too crowded, wasn’t too out of the way, and most of the ponies that lived near the land were nothing but respectful.

It would have been a perfect place to be buried if not for the occasional graverobber.

“That’s it, Nero. Just a few more feet and you’ll hit the coffin.”

Nero, sweaty and tired and covered in dirt, poked his head over the top of the hole he was standing in to look at his boss.

Unlike Nero, Twilight didn’t have a speck of dirt on her. She was sitting a few feet from the hole the human was standing in, leaning against a tombstone with her tail curled around one leg. A lantern was sitting next sitting to her left, which didn’t do much at all to beat back the darkness that surrounded them.

While most ponies would have been uncomfortable in a graveyard at night--even graveyards as nice as this one-- Twilight seemed completely at home. In fact, she was so at home that she was reading through a thick tome, humming a little tune to herself.

Though it was almost cute seeing her sitting there in her own little world, Nero found himself frowning at the sight.

“You know, we’d get this done a heck of a lot faster if you went ahead and helped,” he said, wiping his face with the bottom of his shirt.

Twilight’s ears perked up. Her lavender eyes drifted away from her book and over toward him. Her eyes narrowed a bit; a telltale sign that she was trying to process what he had just said. It took a moment--like it always did-- but eventually Nero saw the realization come to her face.

“I’m sorry, Nero, but I can’t. Somepony might be able to detect my magical signature if I used my magic to help you,” she said apologetically.

“I wasn’t talking about you using magic,” Nero replied, driving the tip of his shovel into the dirt with his foot. “Your hooves seem to be working just fine to me.”

“I can’t do that either,” the princess said, watching as he tossed a shovelful of dirt over his shoulder. “I need to be a lookout in case anypony comes around.”

“You haven’t looked away from that book since we got here,” Nero pointed out.

“I’m listening for anypony,” Twilight said, turning a page in her book. “Which is much more efficient with how dark it is and all.”

Nero snorted. “Even though I know you’re not, we’re the only two that are nutty enough to mess around in a cemetery this late at night,” he said. “You just don’t want to want to get your hooves dirty, you big baby.”

Twilight twitched at the jab, a small frown coming to her face. “We can’t both be digging at the same time, Nero. The hole isn't big enough, otherwise I’d hop right in and help you!”

“We could take turns,” the human suggested, tossing another shovelful of dirt over his shoulder.

“But if I’m digging who’s going to fend off any ghost from attacking us?” Twilight asked.

“Oh? So you’re a lookout and a ghost repeller now?”

“I’m a very good multi-tasker, Nero.”

Nero’s frown deepened. “There’s not a single ghost in here that’s going to attack us, not even the dummy we’re trying to dig up,” he said, kicking at the dirt. “And besides, I thought that you didn’t want to have your magical signature on anything.”

Twilight hid behind her book, but that did nothing to hide her emotions from her assistant. Nero could see her wings ruffling against her sides, and he could see her ears swiveling back and forth. He had been working for her long enough that he knew when she was grabbing at straws.

“…You don’t need to use magic to fight off a ghost.”

A guffaw escaped the human’s throat. “What? Are you gonna tell them to just go away?”

Both Twilight and Nero were silent for a few moments, just looking at each other. Somewhere off in the distance the hooting of an owl could be heard. Fireflies flew near the cemetery’s mausoleum, their little lights twinkling. If one listened hard enough, they might have been able to hear the sigh of a pony that had long since died.

“Yes,” Twilight said, looking him right in the eye.

Nero’s nose scrunched up at the reply. Grumbling to himself, he turned his attention back toward his shovel. “… What are we even going to use this body for?”

“I found a book on necromancy the other day and I wanted to try a few spells,” Twilight shifting her weight against the tombstone to make herself more comfortable.

“Where the heck did you find a book on necromancy?” Nero asked, squatting down to a pick up a rock the size of his head. “Those don’t seem to be the kind of books that are lying around all willy-nilly.”

“I actually found it at a flea market in Canterlot,” Twilight said matter-of-factly, giving the book floating in her magic a little pat.

Nero tossed the rock over his shoulder with a grunt before reaching for his shovel again. “A flea market? What the heck were you doing at a flea market?”

A specter floated by, it’s luminescent, translucent form standing out in the darkness. The miserable creature was hunched over, as if some great weight was upon it. If one would have looked closely enough that might have thought it resembled an earth pony.

It looked over at Twilight with eyes of black nothingness, letting out a quiet wail, its pale white form vibrating from the action. Twilight, eyeing it with a small frown, shooed the ghost away with a wing.

“Applejack convinced me to go,” the princess said, looking back at him. “She wanted to see if anypony was selling plows. She didn’t find anything, but I managed to find this baby. I got it for cheap too!”

Driving his shovel into the dirt, Nero leaned against it to catch his breath.

“Why do you ponies have to put your coffins so deep?” he demanded. “I must be seven feet down already…”

“It’s an earth pony tradition to dig graves as deep as possible so that the deceased can be closer to the earth,” Twilight said, turning the page in her book.

Nero grunted, blinking the sweat out of his eyes. “I take it that you need an earth pony for whatever you’re going to be doing?”

“Yep,” Twilight said with a nod. “An earth pony body is going to be perfect for my experiments. It’ll be much more durable than a pegasus or a unicorn corpse.”

“And do any of those spells look like they’re going to go awry?” Nero asked.

“I don’t think so,” Twilight replied. “The formulae seem solid and well written. This ritual for turning yourself into a lich in particular seems very well made.”

Looking up from her book, Twilight noticed that two ghosts were floating a few feet near her. They were staring at her motionlessly, their mouths opening and dripping a black, foul-smelling substance. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of their eyes, though it seemed blacker and much, much thicker.

Frowning again, she got up and took a step toward them. “Shoo,” she said, waving them away with a wing. “Shoo. Go away. Get out of here. Bad ghosts. Bad.”

“They’re dead ponies, Twi, not dogs,” Nero said, not looking up from his work. “And why do you want to turn yourself into a lich? You’re already immortal.”

“I don’t want to be a lich, I just think that the ritual is interesting. Besides, you never know when you might need to turn somepony into a lich.”

The ghosts, their forms twitching and distorting sporadically, slowly turned and made their way toward the other end of the graveyard. Twilight, seeing that she had successfully turned away another spook, smiled triumphantly. With a flick of her tail she turned around and sat right back down.

“See? I told you I didn’t need magic to keep the ghosts away from us,” she said smugly.

“They probably saw that you were holding a necromancy book and didn’t want anything to do with you,” Nero replied, tossing a bit of dirt her way. “If I was dead, I wouldn’t want to mess with a pony that was crazy enough to think that making a lich was interesting.”

“You never know, Nero. You might want to have a look at the ritual in a few years,” Twilight said, wiggling the book invitingly. “I might be immortal, but you’re not, and I’d like to have my number two assistant around for a very long time.”

“And be a lich? No thanks,” Nero replied with a grunt. “I like having all of my skin, thank you very much.”

He reached down to grab another rock, marveling at the gravedigger’s hostility toward graverobbers. He honestly couldn’t think of any other reason why there were so many rocks mixed in with this soil.

“Though, it might be nice to have some magic. Then maybe I’d be able to summon a pony that’d be willing to help me dig holes and not just sit around like some lazy manager.”

Twilight bristled. “I’m protecting you from ghosts!”

“Applejack would have hopped in this hole and helped me. You know why? Because she’s a nice little horse that goes out of her way to help people.”

“Applejack wouldn’t help you desecrate a grave,” Twilight said with a dismissive wave of her hoof.

“Because most people don’t go digging up corpses in the middle of the night,” Nero shot back, wiping a bead of sweat away with the back of his hand. “But here we are and—oh god dammit.”

The human took a step back as a ghost floated into the hole, the holes that it had for eyes staring at him unblinkingly. It opened its mouth, revealing rows of broken, jagged teeth, and let out a wail that would have frozen the blood of most living creatures.

Nero, however, wasn’t most living creatures.

“Hey, get out of here,” he said, angrily waving his shovel at the specter. “Stop your wailing and shoo. And I swear to any god listening if you get any of that black goo on my shoes I’m going to shove you in a mason jar and use you as a shitty night light!”

The ghost wailed again as its form shifted and moved each time the tip of the shovel went through it. It floated backwards, still staring at him even as it phased through the earth and disappeared. Nero, giving that part of the hole a little poke to make sure that the spook was gone, looked up at Twilight with a growl.

“What the hell was that?” he demanded, slamming the tip of his shovel into the ground. “I thought you were watching out for ghosts?”

Twilight’s ears folded against her skull. “I was!” she said insistently. “That one just came out of nowhere!”

Nero opened his mouth to start yelling, but at the last second he caught himself. Upset or not, it was never a good idea to yell at one’s boss; especially when he was about to blow up at something as silly as a ghost popping up to try to scare him.

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, closing his eyes as he did so. Though the breathing exercise didn’t help as much as he hoped, by the end of it he was calm enough to open his eyes and look at Twilight.

“I’m taking a break,” he said calmly, driving the shovel into the dirt.

Though the hole was deep, Nero pulled himself out of it with practiced ease. Cracking his back, he then sat at the edge of the hole, his feet dangling into the grave, his shoulders sagging.

Twilight, who watched as he dusted his pants off with a dirty hand, bit her lip worryingly. Closing her book, she trotted over and sat down beside him.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t see that ghost, Nero,” she said.

Nero grunted, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out his flask. “Don’t worry about it,” he said with a wave of the hand. “I didn’t see the thing until the last second either.”

“…I’m also sorry about not helping you with the hole at all,” the princess continued, looking down at her hooves in shame. “You were right, I didn’t want to dig. I just wanted to sit back and read my book while you did all of the work. It was wrong as both your boss and as your friend not to at least do a little bit of the work.”

Nero looked over at his boss, feeling the rest of his anger drain from his as he looked her in the eyes. She looked honestly regretful, and even ashamed at what she had done. He sighed to himself, quietly cursing the fact that he couldn’t stay mad at adorable marshmallow horses no matter how hard he tried.

“Don’t be. I know how hard it is for you ponies to dig holes,” he replied, leaning against her and rubbing his temples tiredly. “And I’m sorry that I’m being bitchy tonight. It’s just been a really long day and I’m tired.”

“You have every right to be upset,” Twilight told him, unfurling a wing and wrapping it around him. “I had you working all day and now you’re here in the middle of the night without so much as a thank you.”

“Hey, you offered my overtime and I took it. That’s my fault, not yours.”

“I still should have see how hard I was working you and put this off another day. Or better yet I should have just mared up and come out here myself to do this.”

Twilight looked up at the sky, and Nero found himself looking up with her.

“After we’re done getting the body out of here, I’ll let you take the day off tomorrow,” she promised, giving him a nudge with her wither. “You deserve it after how hard you’ve been working.”

She then smiled, tucking her wing back against her side and standing up. “Now why don’t you take a break while I dig the rest of this hole?”

“Ah, you don’t have to do that,” Nero said, pulling off the top of his flask and taking a drink. “I have to be pretty close to the coffin by now. Another foot or two and we’ll have your body. You’re going to help getting all the dirt back in the hole though.”

With a smile, Twilight nodded. “Alright, it’s a deal,” she said, giving him another nudge. She then giggled, watching as the clouds broke, revealing the moon and the stars. “Isn’t it funny that you can learn friendship lessons in the most unusual of places?”

Nero took another sip from his flask. “I don’t think talking about how best to split up the work in digging up a body can be a friendship lesson,” he said, looking around the graveyard.

As the open sky was revealed, the moon cast its eerie, pale light on everything it could reach. This light washed over the mausoleum, over the tombstones, over the black iron fence that surrounded the land.

The air seemed to shimmer and distort in the moonlight. A breeze swept through the graveyard, causing the old rusty gate that served as the graveyard’s entrance to squeak. The owls that had been hooting just a few moments ago went silent, as did the crickets. The fireflies that flew near the mausoleum extinguished their lights and flew to safer places.

A ghost, who looked no different than any of the others that had appeared before, was suddenly floating near a row of tombstones a few feet of them. A few seconds later, another ghost appeared right next to it. More and more manifested from nothing until a sizable group of them a few feet away from the princess and her assistant.

For nearly a minute, not a single one of them moved. They were as still as a statue and as silent as their graves. Then, for no reason that either Twilight or Nero could discern, the ghosts lifted up their hooves as one and pointed at them.

G̣̯̩Ȇ̘͓̖͇͍͒̅ͣT̠́̿̃̿̄̔͟ ̱̭͚͈͚̳̈́ͤͫÔ̩͎͍͕̙͛ͤ̃͐ͯ̄U͉̫̖̥̗̜͕ͧ̓̍ͣ̾T͏̞͈͇

“No,” Nero said without hesitation, taking another gulp from his flask. “Unlike all of you, the two of us are busy. So you get out. You freeloaders.”

You Can Fight Anything If Your Boss Pays You Enough

“I WILL FEAST ON YOUR SOULS!”

Nero watched as a demon, its eyes blazing with unholy fire, slammed itself against the barrier holding it in place over and over again. Each time that it rammed its body against its prison, dark green, foul-smelling blood seeped out of the many cuts on its person and a scream that would have given most nightmares erupted from its twisted, fang-filled mouth.

“…No.”

Twilight, who had both a hayburger and a small vial floating on either side of her head, frowned. “Why not?” she asked as he made his way over to the only chair in the room and sat down.

Nero, leaning back into the chair, gave his boss a look that could have peeled paint. “I’m not going in that summoning circle.”

“I WILL DRAG YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF TARTARUS AND EAT THE MARROW FROM YOUR BONES!” the demon roared, its rage shaking the very walls.

“Come on, I know it looks scary but it’s not that bad,” Twilight said, taking a big bite out of her hayburger and noisily chewing.

“Then you go in there,” Nero replied, gesturing toward the spawn of Tartarus.

“Somepony needs to stay out here and make sure the circle’s spells are working correctly,” Twilight said matter-of-factly. “And since Rainbow is out of town today, I need you to go in there—”

“No,” Nero interrupted, crossing his arms. “Rainbow might be stupid enough to jump in a tiny circle with a rage demon but I, most certainly, am not.”

“All you need to do is get is some hair and a tooth or two,” Twilight said, nudging him with a wing. “You’ll be done before you know it!”

Nero looked over at the demon, his nose scrunching up as it twisted its head three-hundred and sixty degrees around before hissing at him. He scratched his chin, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Well, at least you don’t want blood,” he dryly mused.

Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Well, actually, I could use some demon blood,” she said, lifting a beaker from the table in the room with a spell and floating it over. “So, if you don’t mind, I’d like some of that too, Nero.”

“What’s with you and blood?” Nero demanded, looking over at her in exasperation.

“Demon blood has many useful scientific applications,” Twilight said defensively. “And you were the one offering to get it.”

“I was not,” Nero sternly replied, poking her wither with a finger. “Because I’m not going in there because I’m not stupid and I do not have a death wish.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Come on Nero, you don’t need to be a little colt about this. Rainbow does this all the time and nothing bad happens to her.”

“Rainbow can slam into a mountain at five hundred miles an hour and walk away. A bad fall down a flight of ten steps could kill me.”

“I’m telling you it’s not that bad.”

“Then I’m sure that you can get your purple fanny in there while looking after the circle then.”

“I WILL USE YOUR SKULLS AS CUPS, AND YOUR ENTRAILS AS CHEW TOYS FOR MY HOUNDS!” the demon snarled, its broken, hole-ridden bat wings flapping.

Looking none too pleased, Twilight sat down next to her assistant. “Nero, that’s just a rage demon, it’s nothing to worry about—”

“If someone told me a couple of years ago that my future boss was going to say something like that, I’d have punched them right in the mouth…”

“—all you need to do is watch its teeth and make sure none of its saliva gets on you.”

Nero perked up. “Saliva?”

He watched as some of the demon’s drool fell from its mouth and hit toward floor. With some alarm, he watched as it ate away the crystal with a sharp hiss.

He found himself shaking his head. “No. Nope. You have me doing a lot of weird, crazy shit, Twi, but this is where I draw the line. I’m not doing this.”

“I’ll be right here in case something happens,” Twilight reassured, finishing her hayburger with one last big bite. “And everypony knows that demons can’t hurt virgin stallions, so you’ll be fine.”

Nero twitched, looking over at the princess with a less than friendly expression. “First off, fuck you. Second, we both know that that stallion thing is a crock.”

“No, it’s not!”

Huffing, Nero looked over at the demon. “Hey. If I come in there are you going to attack me?”

Flames erupted from the demon’s back as it threw back its mangled head and let out a roar. “I WILL EXTINGUISH YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE!”

Nero smiled pleasantly. “Thank you,” he said, before turning back toward Twilight. “Not gonna attack me huh?”

Twilight grumbled quietly to herself, her tail flicking against the ground as she looked down at the floor deep in thought. Her horn glowed, and with a pop another hayburger appeared right next to her. Still thinking hard, she took a bite out of it.

Nero seeing this, snorted to himself. “Are you sure you need another one of those?” he asked, and was pointedly ignored.

Finally, after a few moments, the proverbial light bulb lit above Twilight’s head, causing her to perk up. “Oh! I know! Give me a second, I’ll be right back!”

Before Nero could process what she had said,her horn flickered to life and both she and her hayburger disappeared with a pop.

“I thought you were supposed to be making sure the circle was right!” he yelled, before throwing up his hands.

Groaning to himself, he covered his face with his hands. “Why did that strip club have to take down that help wanted sign?” he grumbled.

The demon bashed its head against its prison with such force that one of its horns broke off with a sickening crack. It immediately roared in pain, bucking and braying and snarling.

“RELEASE ME, MORTAL! RELEASE ME SO THAT I MAY FEAST ON YOUR HEART!”

“Shut up, you knock-off bat pony,” the tired assistant said, leaning back into his chair and rubbing his temples.

There was a pop, and in a flash of magic, Twilight reappeared right next to him with a smile--and breadcrumbs-- on her face. Looking over at her, Nero noticed that the princess had a series of items on her back. Items that had absolutely no business being in this room.

“Here, you can use this stuff to protect yourself,” the princess said, levitating the items up from her back and setting them onto Nero’s lap.

“…An oven mitt, umpire’s helmet, and a cricket bat?” Nero said, bewilderment working its way into his voice as he looked down at the seemingly random assortment of things.

Nose scrunching up, he looked up at her questioningly. “Why the oven mitt?”

“It’ll protect your hand when you’re extracting the teeth,” Twilight replied, all smiles.

Blinking owlishly, Nero back down at the objects in his lap. “You must be dumbest genius that I’ve ever met...”

Twilight, choosing to ignore what her number two assistant had just said, gave him a nudge with her wither. “Since this is a low-level demon, we don’t have to prepare any of these items so that they can injure it. So all you need to do is go in there and wallop the thing a couple of times with the bat until its calmed down enough that you can get everything we need!”

“Where did you even get an umpire’s helmet and a cricket bat? I understand the oven mitt, but you’ve never played a sport in your entire life…” Nero muttered, picking up the bat and examining it.

With a spell, Twilight placed the umpire’s helmet—which was five sized too big for the human—onto his head, making sure to clip the chin strap into place. This caused the helmet to twist to the left slightly, but grabbing it with her hoof Twilight straightened it. Still smiling, she then placed her assistant’s hand into the oven mitt.

“There we go! You’re all dressed up and ready,” she said with a little hop.

Nero’s bewildered look turned sour as he examined himself. “I look ridiculous.”

“You look like somepony that’s ready to fight a demon,” Twilight chirped, straightening the helmet again when she noticed that it was slowly creeping to the left.

“If this is what you ponies wear when you’re fighting demons then I think I’m better off on another team,” Nero said, dropping the cricket bat to the floor and once again crossing his arms. “And I already told you, I’m not going in there. I don’t care what you bring me to wear, I don’t care what you say or do. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to step into that—”

“I’ll give you double overtime pay for today.”

Nero’s body jerked as if it had just been struck with lightning. Eyes widening, he looked over at his now smirking boss. Several emotions flashed across his face; anger, outrage, surprise, irritation. Sitting up in his chair, he puffed his chest out, ready to give Twilight a piece of his mind, but the alicorn was too fast for him.

“I’ll give you double overtime pay for today and tomorrow,” she offered, the smirk on her face turning into a grin.

Nero’s eyes narrowed down to slits. “Double overtime for the rest of the week.”

Twilight’s grin vanished. “But it’s Monday!”

“There is no words in English, Equish, Entish,, Griffish, or Donkish that can come close to describe how little I give a shit,” Nero replied, looking her right in the eye.

Twilight’s nose scrunched up. “...Fine, but don’t I don’t want you complaining for the rest of the week,” she grumbled, taking a bite out of her hayburger.

“There is absolutely nothing on this earth that will keep me from complaining about working, whatever that job may be,” Nero said, climbing to his feet. “And you get ready to get me out of there quick. If I get bit in the ass I’m going to do more than complain.”

Twilight’s smile came back to her face. “Thanks for doing this, Nero,” she said gratefully.

Not looking at her, Nero lifted the cricket bat and smacked her hayburger out of the air. Twilight, seeing her delicious snack hit the dirty floor, squawked like an angry chicken.

“Hey!”

The human ignored her, staring hard at the demon. “It is through force of will alone that I move this fragile form through the void,” he said, readying himself as the demon, baring its fangs, crotched down in a low and threatening manner.

Nero took a step toward the summoning circle, his grip on the cricket bat. “That and a nicer paycheck…”

There's Bureaucracy Even In The Field of Mad Science

All was not well in Ponyville.

At first, it had started off as a whisper of discontent between a stallion and his wife. This whisper turned into an angry discussion between a group of ponies in one of the local taverns. That discussion did not end in that tavern, but spread throughout town, growing and becoming angrier and more hostile with each pony drawn into it.

Ponyville’s citizens were furious. Many of them were hardworking and honest folk. Most had never raised a hoof in anger, and not a one had ever wished harm upon another, other than an occasional desire to slap their fellow pony on the back of their head. But today that all would change.

No matter how calm or pleasant the creature, there was only so much that one could take before they snapped. For the townsfolk, this line had been crossed quite purposefully, and crossed many times. The first few times they had bared it, as kind, understanding creatures were known to do, but they had had enough.

As the ponies of Ponyville grew angrier and angrier, weapons were gathered. Pitchforks, axes, mops and brooms with their ends carved into points. If one looked very carefully, they might have also seen pots, pans, cooking utensils, and even the odd spear or two.

Torches were found and lit. While such light would have looked wonderfully menacing dancing off the buildings with the ponies’ shadows, the citizens of Ponyville weren’t well versed in these sort of things and the theatricality of it all, so this affair was done right around lunch time. A group of nearly two hundred mares and stallions marched down the main street of Ponyville. On each of their faces was a mask of grim determination.

For too long they had suffered atrocities, indignities, and shenanigans of one mare. Now was the time to show that they weren’t going to take it anymore!

They were going to drive her out, send her elsewhere so that she could torment somepony else, or perhaps destroy her if they could!

All too soon the citizens of Ponyville came upon the towering crystal castle in the exact center of town. Before the castle had sprouted out of the ground, the center of town had been the mayor’s office—or the fountain in front of the mayor’s office if you wished to be a stickler for geographic location— but, because of their tormentors insistent jabbering at the town council meetings every month for the past seven months, as well as a rather unfortunate amount of damage at last year’s Big Bunny Bonanza, the castle had taken the title. It was another crime that the ponies of this community were going to make her pay for dearly.

Like a wave the citizens of Ponyville descended upon the castle, their pitchforks, brooms, and pans at the ready. When they neared the castle’s doors there had been some debate whether to knock them down—since one stallion at least knew to do that much—but when the front door was found to be unlocked, the door was simply opened. Clamoring and shouting angrily, the mob entered the castle’s lobby.

“Let’s get her!”

“Find her!”

“We’ll burn this place to the ground!”

“Down with the tyrant! Down with her experiments!”

“Yeah! And her mane’s dumb too! So are her wings!”

The crowd might have swarmed throughout the castle, destroying everything they could as they went, if not for someone clearing their throat. While such a noise should have been drowned out by all of the talking, shouting, and vows of vengeance that were echoing off the castle’s crystal interior, this clearing of the throat was so professional, serious, and business-like that it rose above it all so that it reached the mob’s many ears.

Ponies stopped shaking their pitchforks and torches to look at the far end of the lobby. There, sitting at a secretary’s desk with his feet propped up and an open magazine in his hands, was Neroymous.

The human was looking at the mob over the top of his magazine with bored, half-lidded eyes, noisily chewing on an overly large wad of bubblegum. He blew a giant bubble, popping it with his tongue before expertly navigating the gum back into his mouth.

“Can I help you all?” he asked.

A collective sigh escaped the crowd. Many looked at each other, their righteous fury cooling into uncertainty. They had been expecting the castle’s occupants to be hidden in some dark room, conducting some horrible experiment or casting some vile, evil spell. What they did not expect was to see someone so suddenly that looked so… normal.

Some shuffled in place as they looked at him, some hid their weapons behind their backs when they saw the lone stallion. A few murmured apologies and excuses. One mare, however, pushed through the crowds, still angry as ever.

“What the hay are you all doing?” she cried. “It’s that weird ape-stallion that the princess keeps!”

Nero frowned. “Hey, excuse you, she doesn’t keep me,” he said, licking his thumb and turning a page in his magazine. “I can leave whenever I want. I’m not some kind of dog. Or Starlight.”

“We need to get him too, stallion or not!” the mare continued, ignoring him.

Confusion once again turned to anger as the crowd puffed up and readied their weapons.

“Yeah! He’s always the one to help the princess with her experiments anyways!”

“He stole one of my ribs while I was sleeping!”

“He helped bring back my long-lost grandparents from a peaceful afterlife and put them in a lava lamp!”

“I’m pretty sure that I saw him peeing in the town’s fountain after the Summer Celebration last year!”

Confusion and uncertainty left the mob, and a wild, animalistic rage once again took over. Mare and stallion alike lowered their weapons and made their way toward Nero with an intent to harm.

If Nero would have gotten up from his chair it would have been his ruin. If he would have shown any fear, or doubt, or any weakness at all the mob would have surged forward and no doubt have torn him limb from limb. But, for all of the mob’s aggression, the only thing they got was another giant bubble.

“Do any of you have an appointment?” the human asked, sitting up and scooching forward.

The ponies’ advance was halted, their confusion returning.

“…Excuse me?”

Reaching into one of the drawers, Nero pulled out a small notebook. Dropping it into the table, he grabbed a small pair of glasses and placed them on the bridge of his nose. He then slapped his magazine into the drawer and closed it, looking at them expectantly.

“Do any of you have a eleven o’clock appointment with Ms. Sparkle?” he asked, opening up the notebook and leafing through it. “She’s running a bit late because her ten-thirty is taking her a little longer, but you’d wait around a little longer I’m sure she’d be able to get to you very soon.”

Humming to himself, he looked down at the notebook. The mob watched as he leaned forward, a frown working its way onto his face.

“Huh… It doesn’t look like any of you have an appointment today,” he said, turning a page. “Or the day after, or the day after.”

A stallion frowned. “We don’t need no appointment!” he shouted, waving his torch around. “We’re here to drive all of you outta town!”

“Yeah!” the crowd yelled.

Nero looked up from the notebook. “We don’t need any appointment, Ernest Hemingway,” he said. “And yes you do.”

“Oh yeah, says who?” the stallion demanded.

Nero opened his mouth to reply, but suddenly closed it. Sighing, he looked around the room before motioning the mob to move closer. They did so, but cautiously, with their weapons pointed at the human.

“Look, if I had my way I’d let all of you go right in and burn this castle to the ground and murder us and whatever else you want to do, but there’s procedure,” he said, keeping his voice low. “Twilight’s a very busy mare after all. You think she can just up and deal with a mob whenever she feels like it?”

He looked out into the crowd.

“Roseluck, how would you feel if I went into your shop and said that I needed a big bouquet for tomorrow?” he said, making a hand gesture toward the earth pony.

Roseluck’s nose scrunched up. “We can’t do it like that,” she said. “All our bouquets need to be ordered in advance.”

“Exactly,” Nero said, slapping a hand onto his desk. “You need at least three days’ notice to get everything ready, right?”

“Right.”

His gaze snapped toward a stallion. “And what about you, Dr. Hooves? Do your patients usually need to make an appointment before seeing you?”

“Of course,” the doctor said with a flick of his mane.

“That’s exactly the same thing here,” Nero said, leaning back into his chair. “If you want to do something serious like this you need to make an appointment and we’ll pencil you in for a time that’s best for you.”

The crowd looked at each other. Lowering their weapons, they began to quietly converse. As upset as they were, they were still polite folk to a T, and no matter how much they wanted to rampage through the castle, destroying whatever hellish creations they found, doing so would have been terribly rude.

“Well… when’s the latest you can pencil us in then?” one mare asked.

“Let me see,” Nero murmured, looking back down at his notebook and leafing through it. “I know that Ms. Sparkle’s jam packed for this month, and she has that thing next month that’s gonna keep her busy for weeks…”

He clicked his tongue, flipping through page after page before suddenly stopping and looking up.

“I think I can squeeze you in three months from today, say nine or ten?”

“No, I can’t do that,” one stallion said. “I have a wedding that I need to help set up all that month.”

Nodding, Nero leafed through a few more pages. “What about a couple days near Nightmare Night?”

“That’d be aw—! No, wait, I have a thing that I need to do…”

The mob talked amongst themselves for a minute or two, trying to decide what was the best day to come back to burn the residents of this castle alive. Unfortunately for many, their schedules just didn’t match up. Some ponies suggested that the whole town didn’t need to be here to destroy the princess and her lackeys, but others insisted that this was a team effort. The talks began to get heated, and it might have ended in a shouting match if Nero hadn’t stepped in.

“If you guys can’t figure out the best time right now, why don’t you all talk about it for a bit and come back later to see if we can work something out?” he suggested. “I have Ms. Sparkle’s schedule worked out for the next six months, and if you need longer than that I’d be happy to put you at the top of the list for the next one.”

The crowd exchanged glances before nodding.

“Yeah, that sounds good…”

“I should go home to check my schedule anyway…”

“We all can meet up at Sugarcube Corner and work this out…”

Chatting amongst themselves, the mob turned away and made their way toward the front door, with a few mares and stallions apologizing to Nero for wasting his time, and promising that they’d be back as soon as they could. Nero just smiled and wished them all a happy day before dropping his notebook back into the drawer, grabbing his magazine, and kicking his feet back up onto the table.

It wasn’t until all of the ponies had left and closed the door behind them that a purple head poked up from underneath the desk.

“Are they gone?” Twilight asked.

“Yep, they’re gone,” Nero replied, blowing a bubble and popping it.

Twilight smiled, peeking her head over the desk to see if, in fact, her would-be murderers had left the premises. Seeing that they were gone, she turned her attention back toward her assistant.

“Do you really have my schedule worked out for the next six months?” she asked.

Nero snorted. “No. I don’t have a single day of your schedule scheduled. That was a coloring book I was looking through,” he said, turning the page in his magazine. “The fucking idiots.”

You Wish That Was Just A Monster Under Your Bed

Tonight was shaping up to be one of the better nights for Nero as he laid in his bedroom. There were no damned spirits prowling his halls. He wasn’t suffering from the aftereffect of some horrible curse, spell, potion, or plant. As far as he could tell, he wasn’t being possessed by any demon. Even the usual horrific nightmares where he relived his evil misdeeds hadn’t reared their ugly heads.

It seemed that, for tonight at least, he was going to get a good night’s sleep. So there he laid, nestled underneath a pile of comfortable blankets and pillows. His eyes were shut and mouth was partially opened as he snored. If fate would have been kind he would have stayed in a deep, peaceful slumber until the sun rose up, wherein he would open his eyes well-rested and almost happy. But, of course, the fates weren’t kind.

Down the stairs, through the kitchen, and past the living room the front door to Nero’s house could be heard opening. While such a sound usually wouldn’t have awakened most people, especially since the one opening it was trying their hardest to be quiet, the second that the door knob was turned his eyes opened.

Most ponies didn’t lock their houses at night. In fact, most ponies didn’t even have locks on their doors. Many felt that there was no need, but Nero wasn’t of the same mind.

The human had gotten a door specifically to keep intruders out. The door itself was made with strips of both wood and steel and the hinges that supported it were triple-reinforced. Three locks secured the door at night, as well as four bolts, six sealing spells, half a dozen charms and wards, three very powerful pie-based traps, and a chair wedged underneath the door knob. Still though, despite all of these precautions, Nero could very clearly hear his front door being opened and someone trotting into his house.

While they had been obviously trying to keep quiet while entering, his intruder seemed to have no problem making noise now that she was inside. He could clearly hear them stomping around on his wooden floors—which he had just washed yesterday—muttering to themselves. They trotted into his kitchen, rooting around and slamming drawers, before they made their way back toward the door.

Nero, who had just been lying in his bed staring up at the ceiling, finally picked his head up when he heard the intruder racing up his stairs. He looked over to his left to look at the baseball bat sitting by his nightstand.

“…Eh,” he grumbled, letting his head fall back down onto his pillow as the intruder trotted down the hallway to his bedroom and opened the door.

“Nero? Nero are you awake?”

“There’s nothing good up here,” Nero said, closing his eyes. “Go steal all of the shit downstairs and let me get some sleep.”

“What? No, it’s me, Twilight!”

The human’s bedroom door was thrown open, revealing a very tired-looking and frazzled Twilight. Without waiting for the human to say anything, the alicorn trotted into the room. Eyeing the space underneath her assistant’s bed, she spread her wings when she was halfway toward him and flew the rest of the way. The bed creaked as she landed on the bed, quickly wiggling under the covers and crawling up his body.

Nero sighed as Twilight’s head poked out from the covers, and he cracked open an eye to look at her. “I think I would have preferred a burglar,” he said.

“Nero, I need your help with something,” Twilight said, using a spell to illuminate his bedroom with a soft, gentle light.

“You need my help?” Nero asked, squinting as he looked over at the clock that was hanging on his wall. “At two in the morning?”

“Yes I do,” Twilight replied with a nod.

Nero stared at the mare for a moment or two before resting his head back onto his pillow and closing his eyes. “No. Go away.”

“But, Nero! This is serious!”

“I don’t care. It’s too early to deal with your shit.”

“It’ll only take a second,” Twilight said, poking his cheek with her muzzle. “I promise.”

“No. I’m a strong, independent stallion that won’t have no mare telling me how long I need to sleep. I’d also appreciate if you didn’t splay your chubby little nerd body all over me.”

“But I need you for a few minutes!”

“No.”

“Come on! All you need to do is help me for a couple of hours!”

Nero ignored her, doing the best he could to go to sleep despite having a talking marshmallow horse on top of him.

“Nero!”

“…”

“Please, Nero!”

“…”

“Annnnnoooooooonnnnnn!”

Finally, with a frown, Nero cracked open an eye. “What. Is. The Fucking. Problem?”

Twilight lifted her head up and looked around the room, her ears perked up. When she didn’t see or hear anything out of the ordinary she rested her head back into his chest.

“There’s a monster under my bed and I need your help to get rid of it. Please.”

Nero’s one eye narrowed down to a slit. “There’s a monster under your bed?”

Twilight nodded. “Yes; it’s a big one, and the same monster is under your bed too!”

Both Nero’s eyes shot open. “What?!” he hissed.

“I said that there’s—”

“I know what you fucking said! What I want to know is why there’s a monster under my bed!”

Twilight opened her mouth to answer, but Nero was already moving. Pushing the alicorn off of him, he rolled toward the edge of his bed. Grabbing a flashlight that he kept on his nightstand, he leaned over, poked his head underneath the bed, and turned the flashlight on.

Ŵ̆͗ͧ̊Ë͍̰̖̟̭̆̔͂̑͗͞ ̙͖̒̄ͨ̆̐̋̚Ș̪̗͕̪̠́̽ͥ̔͒̚H̡̤̠͙̏̍ͮͣ̈́͒̏Ä̻͎̮͒̔ͧ͑ͦͅL̠̹̜̭͖̣̄͋͂͌̾ͥ͡ͅL̲̥̜̮̘͚ͣͅ ̶͇̭̾É̫͕ͮA̴̪̻̣̦͆ͫ̋̃T̢̥̩̖ͯ̔ͧ̾ ̨͍̤͕͖͐̃̌̓͂T̩̹̘̘͇̣ͮͨͭ̓H̤̅̎̋̑̇͞E̖̱̞̠̩ ̵̯̺͎̣̖̠̂̋S̳̲̲̥̖̩̦ͩ̓ͧ̃T̛͕̣̥̟̥̋̾ͯͣǍͩͮ͏R͉͚͍͙͎͎̅ͣ̾̏̍S̱̱̞̖̜ͫͬ̿͒̓

Nero blinked when he came face-to-face with a black, formless, vile mass. Every inch of it was constantly moving, as if it consisted of tens of thousands of living things. It had dozens of small mouths filled with yellowed, jagged teeth, along with sets upon sets of bloodshot serpent-like eyes. It hissed out of all of its mouths as the light from his flashlight touched its form, the thing shying away.

Staring at the thing for a moment or two more, Nero turned off his flashlight. Pulling himself back into his bed, he grabbed Twilight and laid her back on top of him before fixing the covers. He blinked, wincing as he felt blood pooling at the edges of his mind, as well as trying to stave off the sudden yet violent burst of madness that now filled his mind.

“Twilight,” he said very calmly. “That isn’t a monster.”

Twilight nose scrunched up. “Yes it is.”

“No, that’s an eldritch being,” Nero said, wiping the blood from his eyes. “Twilight… why is there an eldritch being under my fucking bed?”

“Technically, an eldritch being is still considered a—” Twilight began, only for a hand to slowly clamp down around her muzzle.

“Twilight, please. It’s too early.”

Slowly, a tentacle-like appendage rose toward the ceiling. It had a slimy, scaled look to it, as well as dozens of eyes that were all looking at Twilight and Nero. A noise, unlike any that the human or alicorn had ever heard, filled this air. The air grew colder, and the light from Twilight’s horn flickered out. The tentacle lowered itself toward the two with unnatural movements, it’s eyes unblinking and terrible. Just as it was about to reach down and touch Twilight, who was watching it with a childlike fascination, only for Nero to reach up and smack it.

“Hey, fuck off. We’re trying to talk here,” he said.

The tentacle reared back, swaying side to side like the waves of an angry storm. Nero ignored it to look at his boss. “I’m not getting any younger here.”

Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Well, you know how I was going to have a friendship lesson with Starlight yesterday?”

“I do. You said you were going to take her to some festival in Dodge City or whatever.”

“The Pompous Pumpkin Pony Party Festival yes,” the alicorn said with a nod. “We were going to help Applejack set up a stand so she could sell some candy apples.

Once again, the tentacle tried to reach down and touch Twilight, only for it to receive another smack.

“And how was that?”

“Oh it was fine. I’m not really a fan of pumpkin but they made some very good cookies. But that’s not important.”

“Unless you saw any eldritch horrors running around carving jack-o’-lanterns then I wouldn’t think so,” Nero dryly replied.

Nose scrunching, Twilight give her assistant’s nose a boop. “Anyway, the festival was great and everything, but it was what Starlight and I found while we were in Dodge City.”

Nero closed his eyes. “Goddammit. You found another Necronomicon, didn’t you?” he asked.

“Yep!” Twilight chirped, “and I got it for a really good price too!”

The tentacle, realizing that a frontal attack wasn’t going to work, tried to cram itself underneath Nero’s blankets. Fortunately, for both the human and pony, eldritch horrors, just like monsters, couldn’t break the impenetrable fortress that was a blanket.

“And I’m guessing you tried to do something really dumb and summon something?” Nero asked, ignoring the tentacle.

Twilight’s nose scrunched a little harder. “There’s nothing dumb about wanting to understand the greater universe, Nero,” she said.

“That’s exactly the same thing that happened when you summoned that tiny, sentient galaxy. And what happened with that?” Nero retorted.

A blush colored Twilight’s cheeks. “That… that worked out in the end.”

“You had to give the thing ten thousand souls, Twi.”

“Those gryphons weren’t using them anyway! It wasn’t me who summoned that thing.”

“It was and you know it, and I’m not getting into that argument with you again. Not now,” Nero said, covering his face with a hand. “So, what is this thing anyway? And what the hell happened to Starlight if she was there to summon this thing with you?”

This time, the tentacle tried attacking the two by coming over the headboard of the bed. For its trouble, it was giving two very hard, stinging slaps before it could move away.

“This is Nur-zum-telz, the Devour of Light and Dreams,” Twilight said, her ears pinning themselves against her skull. “And… I don’t know what happened to Starlight. Something went wrong with the summoning and we had to get out of the castle fast and we kind of… split up.”

“The summoning went wrong because you can’t bind these fucking things,” Nero grumbled, throwing a glare the tentacle’s way. “And you’re saying that this thing might have eaten Starlight?”

Twilight opened her mouth to answer but closed it. A thoughtful expression came to her face and she let out a hum.

“Well… it’s a possibility, but I don’t think it managed to get her,” she said, tapping a hoof against her chin. “You know how Starlight can get when she runs away, and while I was coming over here I heard screams come from some of the houses, so I think it was too busy to get her.”

Nero grimaced. “So, this thing’s under other people’s beds too?”

“I think Nur-sum-telz is under every bed in the world,” Twilight replied. “Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to be devouring everypony.”

“Well, there’s that I guess,” Nero said, slapping the tentacle away yet again.

“I think it’s taking ponies based on a certain criteria. If we could maybe—”

Both Nero and Twilight jumped as Nero’s front door was slammed open. Someone ran into his house, past his living room, up his stairs, and toward his bedroom.

Nero groaned. “Is this a fucking burglar, or some crazy ass pony with too much time on her hooves?”

His bedroom door was open, revealing a frazzled Starlight. Nero looked at the mare before throwing up a hand.

“Looks like I got option two. Goddammit.”

Starlight’s eyes snapped toward the human, then at the tentacle that was slowly circling the bed like a hungry shark. The unicorn’s body tensed, and without a sound she darted forward. The tentacle’s eyes all snapped toward her. A noise, like nails dragging against a chalkboard or a child’s scream, filled the air as the tentacle darted toward her almost faster than the eye could follow. However, before it could touch Starlight the mare dove under it, skidding a foot or two across the bedroom’s wooden floor.

“Horse apples,” Starlight muttered, scrambling to her hooves.

Before the tentacle could try for another grab, the unicorn leapt up onto the bed, scrambled under the covers, and settled herself against Nero’s side with her muzzle resting in the crook of his arm. The mare took a few deep breaths to calm her racing heart before looking up at the bemused human and smiling.

“Hello Nero. You’re looking very nice this evening. Wonderful night, isn’t it?”

Nero just grunted, looking over toward Twilight. “Alright, now that we know this one isn’t having her soul ripped to shreds over and over again, why don’t you—fucking get outta here!”

Sitting up a bit in his bed, the human attacked the tentacle as it drew near. He slapped it with both hands as hard and fast as he could. The tentacle wobbled and wiggled with each slap, it’s many eyes darting around in panic as it darted back under the bed. Not a second later a low, deep shriek came from under the bed, rattling the windows.

“Pain in the ass,” Nero huffed, laying back down. “Now, like I was saying, why don’t you go ahead and tell me why you need my help to get rid of this fucking thing?”

“Well, Nero, if you really think about it, you’re kind of an eldritch being yourself,” Twilight said.

Nero snorted. “If I was one do you think I’d be working for your purple behind?”

“Just think for a second, Nero. You’re nothing like anything else in this entire universe!” Twilight said, a small, crazed smile coming to her face. “Sure, you can’t change your form at will, or create and destroy matter, and I’m pretty sure that you aren’t deathless—”

“Not yet I’m not.”

“—but you’re a being from a different reality, just like Nur-sum-telz here.” Twilight gestured under the bed. “That’s why you can touch it without it melting your bones and only makes you a little crazy.”

“So what then? Do you want me to try talking to it?” Nero asked as Starlight rubbed herself against the human, humming while she did so.

“Nero, did you know you smell different when you’re awake?” she asked, and was pointedly ignored.

“No, no. I doubt that if we studied Nur-sum-telz for a thousand years we would be able to figure out how it conveys messages, and since it hasn’t tried communicating with us in any way I have a feeling that it doesn’t want to talk,” Twilight said. “So, I thought, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, that you could beat it up until it went away.”

A very unhappy hiss came from underneath the bed.

“You want me to… beat the eldritch creature up?” Nero asked slowly. “And just what are you two strong, powerful mares gonna do while I’m doing that shit?”

Twilight and Starlight exchanged glances.

“We’ll be here for support?” Starlight suggested.

“You don’t need to do it for long, Nero, Twilight said. “Just until Nur-sum-telz either leaves by itself or the magic in the summoning runes we used is gone. Please.”

The room fell into an uneasy silence as the human looked at the smiling alicorn. A range of emotions flashed across his face; irritation, exasperation, and exhaustion. Twilight just kept smiling, looking up at him with her bright purple eyes.

“…I’m not coming into work tomorrow,” Nero finally said. “This bullshit is my work for the day.”

“Fine.”

“And I also want time and a half.”

For the first time since she had stepped hoof into his house, Twilight’s eyes widened in alarm. “Time in a half?”

“Yeah,” Nero said with a nod. “And if you say anything more about it I’ll make it double time or nothing.”

Twilight’s nose scrunched. “Fine. But that’s the only overtime you’re getting this week,” she grumbled.

“I really doubt that,” Nero grumbled back, pushing her off of him.

Sitting up, after he had pried Starlight off of him, the human reached over for his bat. As he was just about to grab it, his bed shook. There was a deep, booming rumble that curled the floorboards. The tentacle slipped out from underneath the bed and grabbed the bat, picking it up and setting it just outside of his reach.

Nero frowned, looking at his outstretched hand, then at his bat, then finally at the tentacle, which seemed to be gloating over its small victory.

“God dammit…”

Poking Someone's Brain Is Fine If That Person Stole Your Socks

“Nero? Could you please hand me the deogryphic depheltoria?”

Nero frowned, looking down at the dozens of instruments sitting on the counter in front of him. “…Which one is that again?” he asked, wiping his bloody hands onto his ‘kiss the cook’ apron.

“The one next to the ethereal beyotdiron,” Twilight said, using a spell to levitate over a handkerchief to dab her brow.

“And which one is that?” the human asked.

“The one that looks like a fork with a square in the middle of it.”

“This one?”

“Yes. Now please hand it to me while I—there we go!”

Twilight let out a happy squeal, setting the saw down that she had been using. “It looks like I’ve finally sawed all the way through!” she announced, clapping her bloody hooves together.

“I hope not,” Nero said, leaning over their “patient”. “I’m pretty sure Starlight wouldn’t appreciate you sawing her brain in half. Though, to be fair, I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate us cutting her open like this.”

Starlight, dead to the world through a mixture of very powerful drugs and magic, made no comment. She just laid there splayed out on the table, her tongue hanging out.

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be fine with it when she wakes up,” Twilight said with a dismissive wave of the hoof, taking the instrument from Nero’s hands with a spell.

With a gleeful cackle, she began prying the top of the unicorn’s skull off, using a spell to levitate a donut over toward her so that she could take a big bite out of it. Nero watched her, shaking his head as he grabbed a coffee mug and took a sip of its contents.

“I don’t know, you can spin this however you want, but I wouldn’t be too happy if someone operated on me in a dirty fucking kitchen,” he said looking around.

“Which is why I’ve never done this with you,” Twilight replied, noisily chewing.

“No. The only reason you haven’t done this with me yet is because you haven’t gotten the doses right to dope me up,” Nero retorted.

Twilight stopped what she was doing and looked up at her assistant, her nose scrunching up in indignation. She lifted a hoof and opened her mouth, ready to give him a verbal lashing, but a look from the human caused her to slowly close her mouth.

“…That’s neither here nor there.”

Nero snorted. “Aha, whatever you say,” he said, setting down his mug. “But I still kind of think we should have asked her before doing this.”

“It’ll be fine,” Twilight insisted, giving the top of Starlight’s skull with a tug. “We’ve always wanted to see if there were any abnormalities in a villain’s brain to make them act like they do anyways, and it’s not like we’re cutting anything out.”

“No, you’ve always wanted to cut open villain’s skulls and poke around, not me. And Starlight isn’t even a villain anymore.”

“But she was until very recently,” Twilight pointed out.

Nero’s face contorted. “Still though…”

“You weren’t making this much of a fuss when we were cutting open Fluttershy last week.”

“That’s because I don’t like Fluttershy. Whenever I look at the fucking girl all she does is mumble and smell like animal shit.”

“And what about Rarity last month?”

“She needed a bit of poking around upstairs, anyway. We would have done the world a favor if we cut some of the bits of brain that had to do with talking. And fucking whining. ”

“Come on… Just a little—Hah!”

There was a wet, almost meaty pop as Twilight managed to pull off the top of Starlight’s skull. The unicorn’s back legs twitched as her air hit her brain, but otherwise she was still. Dropping the tool in her magic into a basin, Twilight gently placed the bit of skull onto a piece of parchment paper and once again dabbed her brow with her handkerchief.

“You know, I don’t think you’ve ever complained about cutting open anypony else other than Starlight,” she said as Nero walked back toward her.

“That’s because most ponies we cut open are assholes,” the human replied, looking down at Starlight’s brain.

“Most of those “assholes” are my best friends, Nero.”

“Yeah, and it’s your fault for having such shit taste in people.”

Twilight giggled, leaning over to gently nudge him.

“You know you’re my friend too, right?”

“Like I said, shit taste,” Nero grunted, reaching down to grab what looked like a tongue compressor and a fondue fork. “Here.”

“Thanks,” Twilight said, taking the instruments with her magic as she put on a pair of magnifying glasses. “And what’s so different about Starlight? She’s my friend too.”

Nero shrugged as the alicorn began poking at Starlight’s brain. The mare twitched and jerked with each poke, but thankfully remained asleep.

“I don’t know, I guess it’s because I don’t look at her and think “APPLES, APPLES, APPLES” or “PARTY, PARTY, PARTY” or “I’M A LESBIAN BUT I PRETEND I’M NOT BECAUSE I’M SUPER FAST”,” the human said as he scratched his nose, accidentally smearing Starlight’s blood onto his face. “And I guess I kind of think that kite hobby of hers is pretty adorable.”

Twilight giggled again. “Well, I’ll be sure to tell her that after we’re all done here,” she said, leaning forward. “Hmm… the frontal lobe looks normal, and so does the parietal lobe…”

The alicorn leaned forward a little more, so that her muzzle was nearly touching the brain. Nero squatted down next to her, leaning forward as well so that he could get a better look at what she was doing.

“You might want to lean back a little, ‘cause if she jerks too hard you’re getting a nose full of gray matter,” he said.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve done this, Nero,” Twilight said, stroking the left side of Starlight’s brain with one instrument while poking at a space near her occipital lobe with the other. “I have this perfectly under—”

Starlight’s eyes snapped open and she sat up without warning. Both Twilight and Nero yelped, jerking backward. Through some miracle, Twilight was able to keep from turning the unicorn’s brain to mush with her instruments, using her magic to instead stay them in their exact position, though the coffee and donuts on the operating table weren't so lucky, crashing to the floor.

“Nero has a really nice butt!” the unicorn chirped as she stared at nothing with half-lidded, dilated eyes.

“What this fuck is that, Twi? I thought you said she wasn’t gonna wake up?” Nero hissed, crouching down low so that the unicorn wouldn’t notice him.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Twilight hissed back. “She’s supposed to be out for a few more hours!”

“Then what the hell is she doing sitting up?!”

“I already said that I didn’t know!”

Both the alicorn waited for Starlight to start screaming in pain, or at the very least look around for them. They both tensed, ready to stop the unicorn from hurting them or herself, but the mare didn’t move a muscle. She just sat there, as still as a statue.

“…Twilight? Why isn’t she doing anything?” Nero whispered.

“I don’t know,” Twilight murmured.

Eyes narrowing, the alicorn sat up straight in her chair. She eyed the instruments touching Starlight’s brain before applying a bit more pressure.

“I want to take Nero and his butt out to a fancy dinner!” Starlight chirped, her ears wiggling. “And after the dinner I want to take him home so I can make him sit on my face!”

Both Twilight and Nero quietly exchanged glances as they tried to process just what they had heard. Biting her lip, Twilight eased up on the pressure she was applying.

“I’d motorboat his butt cheeks until the sun came up!” Starlight said, the enthusiasm as clear as day in her voice. “I mean all night!”

“…Twilight, what the fuck did you do?” Nero asked.

A small smile came to Twilight’s face as she applied pressure to the edges of her instruments.

Starlight twitched. “I peed the bed until I was fifteen because I thought there was a snake monster in everypony’s toilet!”

“I think I found the parts of the brain that force ponies to reveal their deepest, darkest secrets,” Twilight said with a wiggle.

“I thought there wasn’t a part of that in the brain,” Nero said.

“There’s so much about the brain that we don’t know about, Nero,” Twilight replied, hopping up into the table with Starlight so she could get a better look at the brain. “Ohh! We might be able to further the field of study in the brain if we just keep poking her!”

Clapping her hooves together, the alicorn moved her instruments a minute amount and reapplied pressure. Starlight’s front legs curled and her horn sparked to life.

“When Nero isn’t home, I like to sneak into his house and roll around on top of his bed! Sometimes, when I get really lonely, I’ll cuddle with him at night while he’s asleep!”

Frowning, Nero slapped the back of Twilight’s head, nearly knocking the mare off the table.

“Ow! What was that for?” she yelped.

“What do you mean?” Nero said, waving his arms around. “Quit fucking poking her brain like that! You’re gonna push too hard and you’re really gonna fuck her up and—”

“I also like to walk around Nero’s house wearing his boxers and socks!” Starlight said, cutting off the human. “Sometimes, I also like to take his socks and put them under my bed so that I can slide around the floors when Twilight isn't home!”

Nero’s rant left him in a sharp exhale. “So that’s where all of my fucking socks have been going!”

Walking toward the edge of the table, the human took the instruments from Twilight’s magic and began massaging the general area they had been in.

“Alright, now are you the one that keeps taking my shirts, too?” he demanded as Starlight’s mouth opened and shut. “And what about those cookies from the other day? I know you said you didn’t eat them, but I sure as shit didn’t, and they were gone when I came back from the market!”

“Nona sah a yllaer ecin ttub!” the unicorn said, wagging her tail like a dog.

“Goddammit, you crazy horse,” Nero growled, applying a little more pressure. “Tell me your secrets — and where all of my fucking sweatpants went!”

It's Okay To Ask For Blood As Long As you Don't Tell Them What It's For

“Nero! I need some blood!”

Nero Cladius Divi Claudius filius, also known as Nero by his friends and “that weird tall colt with the weird wigglers” to almost everyone else, looked up from his three-week-old Gabby Gums article. Standing in front of him, with an eager smile on her face, was his boss, the part-time princess and professional mad scientist Twilight Sparkle.

The young princess looked as pristine as she did every morning. Her mane and tail had been fixed in such a way they gleamed in the sunlight, and her fur was trimmed and neat. There was also a bright, cheery smile on her face and a pleasant warmth in her lavender eyes. The mare before him didn’t look like a pony that would go asking people for blood. But he knew better. Oh, he knew better.

Yawning, Nero reached over and grabbed his coffee cup, taking a sip of its contents while he thought over what she had just said.

The rookie mistake would be to ask her why she needed the blood, but he was no rookie. Whenever maniacal laughter echoed throughout the house, the hair on the back of his neck would stand on end. If the word “Science!” was screamed, he knew to immediately duck for cover. The very sight of beakers and glass vials gave him flashbacks of events that would turn the stomach of even the most grizzled Solar Guard.

In the two months that he had been working with Twilight “the dork” Sparkle, he had become an old hand where her nonsense was concerned. He knew not to ask why she need blood because he knew that her answer would only leave him with more questions and a headache. So, setting down his newspaper and leaning back into his chair, he tried a different approach.

“What kind of blood do you need?” he asked matter-of-factly.

“Oh, any kind of blood would do,” the princess chirped, walking over to the table that he was sitting at and hopping up into an empty chair.

As she settled herself, the tip of her horn glowed. Across the kitchen, the half-full coffee pot was encased in a purple glow along with a ‘Number 1 Princess’ mug. With a flick of her horn, both objects were floated over. Nero, eyeing the coffee pot, slide his own mug over and gave it a little shake.

“And how much blood do you need, boss?” he asked as she refilled his mug while also helping herself to come coffee.

“Ideally I’d need ten gallons, but I’d appreciate whatever amount you could get me, Nero,” she said, giving him a bright smile before taking a princess-like sip of her coffee.
Again there was that temptation to ask why. Why did she need so much blood? Why did she need blood at all? Why the heck was she asking him for it like he had oodles of the stuff in his fridge? But again, he resisted the urge.

That was just what she wanted. He had to ignore the obvious trap and charge forward into the thick of it.

“Do you need fresh blood or will some stuff that’s a couple days old do?”

Twilight opened her mouth but immediately closed it, her ears folding against her skull and her brow furrowing in thought.

“I hadn’t thought of that, actually,” she admitted, looking down at her coffee mug with a frown.

“Well, if we need it fresh, then we’ll need to go out in the field to get it,” Nero said, drumming his fingers against the wooden table. “If you want to just go ahead and get the good stuff, I’d suggest that we set up a stand outside the castle offering ten bits for two pints of blood and see who we can get to come over.”

“It’s illegal to solicit blood from ponies without a proper license,” Twilight said, though she didn’t look very pleased in saying it.

“License? Why the heck would we need a license to get blood from random ponies?”

“A hundred and twenty years ago there was an incident with some unicorns in Canterlot. Back then it was popular to purchase blood from poor earth ponies so they could use it to fuel some of their more delicate spells,” the purple princess said, as if reciting it from a book. “The practice was eventually shut down when a demon was summoned incorrectly and rampaged through the city. Now not only are you not allowed to practice blood magic, but you need a medical license to be allowed to get any amount of blood from a pony.”

“Well that seems a little unfair,” the human said, laying it on a little thick. “Just because you had a few bad eggs doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be able to practice dark magic!”

“I know, right?” Twilight said with huff, missing the sarcasm in his voice completely. “I’ve sent the princess half a dozen letters asking her to have the law repealed, but each time my request has been denied!”

Nero nearly rolled his eyes, but at the last moment he was able to reign in the urge. “You know, I’m sure if you went down to the hospital or the blood bank they’d give you all the blood that you need, law or not. You are a princess, after all.”

“I went the other day,” she said, her muzzle scrunching up and her cheeks puffing out in indignation. “I spent an hour and a half trying to convince the hospital director to lend me some blood, but no matter how much I begged, she wouldn’t give me any.”

The princess let out a raspberry. “She said something about me asking for too much or some horse apples like that…”

“Really? I can’t believe it! Ten gallons isn’t that much blood,” Nero said, shaking his head as he took another sip of his coffee.

Looking into his eyes, Twilight leaned across the table. She took a moment to look around the kitchen conspiringly, which had him rolling his eyes so hard they they nearly popped out of his head.

“I did the math last night,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “The hospital should have almost fifty gallons of blood from the blood drive they had a couple of days ago. Factoring in the possibility that they might have had to use some of the blood already and a few bags of it might have had to be discarded for multiple reasons they should have at least forty-five gallons worth. More than enough that they’d be able to spare a couple of gallons.”

Resting his elbows on the table, Nero let what Twilight just said hang in the air for a few moments. Like whenever she came to him with a crazy or odd demand, he wanted her to think about what she had just said. In doing so, he hoped that she’d realize just how crazy she sounded and would take the necessary steps to fix the problem, whatever it may be. But, just like every other time he had done this, Twilight just stared back at him expectantly, waiting for him to weigh in on her “problem”.

Sighing, he took another sip of his coffee and quietly wondered what had happened to his childhood dream of becoming a traveling unicyclist.

“Well, if push comes to shove I can go down to the blood bank and show a little skin. You know how much they love giant, hairless stallions down here…”

A smile broke out across Twilight’s face once more. “I’m really happy that you’re willing to go to that far to get my blood, Nero,” she said gratefully.

“I was actually being sarcastic,” Nero calmly responded. “I’m not going to flaunt myself in front of those weird blood ponies. If I’m going to be doing any flaunting, it’s going to be in front of a rich, single mare that’s preferably in her early fifties.”

Twilight didn’t seem to hear, instead staring off into nothing with a glassy-eyed expression. “The scientific field needs ponies like you. Ponies that are willing to do whatever it takes to push the envelope, to set the bar a little higher!—”
“Not a pony. I was hoping you’d have figured that out by now, what with me having hands and all...”

“Ponies like Clover the Clever and Starswirl the Bearded didn’t stop their research just because ponies didn’t agree with their methods! No, they buckled down, they put in the hours—”

“I don’t remember reading anywhere that Clover or Starswirl worked with blood magic.”

“— and sure, they might have done some… questionable things, but it was for the greater good! Without their works we might not have understood the mechanics of earth pony magic, or how a pegasus can form a cloud!”

With a giggle, Twilight looked over at her resigned assistant, who was wishing with all of his might that he had slept in this morning.

“I don’t know if our experiments will be as groundbreaking as theirs, but maybe they will,” the bookworm continued. “Maybe we’ll make a spell that jumpstarts a magical renaissance, or lets ponies leave our planet so they we can explore Luna’s stars!”

“I have absolutely no idea how you can be… this at six in the morning,” Nero said, shaking his head. “I’d think it was impressive if I wasn’t the one that had to deal with it…”

Giggle now turning into a cackle, Twilight threw her hooves up into the air. “Just think about it, Nero. In a few years we might discover something so amazing that our names will be said in the same sentence as Starswirl or Clover!”

Ruffling her feathers in excitement, she hopped up onto the table and looking up at the ceiling. “I can see it now. I, the brilliant, daring, and virile scientist and you, the homely and humble assistant, forebearers of an important branch of science that helped make everyponies life better in ways that they couldn’t even imagine!”

Nero snorted. “Homely? I’ll have you know that I’m a solid seven and a half out of ten.”

“They’d have lectures on our work! There’d be statues of us erected in great places of learning! I might even get my own section in Canterlot library!”

“So we’re going to solve the mysteries of the universe with ten gallons of blood, then?” Nero asked, not quite sure that if he was ready for Twilight’s answer.

“Don’t be a silly filly, Nero! You can’t solve anything with blood,” the purple bookworm said, giving him a pat on the head that, to him at least, felt just a little bit condescending. “The blood is just for a few… experiments that I’ve been wanting to do for a while now.”

She ruffled her feathers in unrestrained glee.

“Though, you never know…”

Nero nodded, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a small silver flask. “I’m guessing that these experiments are less than legal?” he asked.

“I won’t tell the poince if you don’t,” Twilight said coolly.

“You know you’re a princess right?” the human asked. “You’re supposed to act with some grace and dignity.”

Twilight smiled, looking deep into his eyes. “Science,” she simply said, her tone adopting an almost religious reverence as she said it.

“But—”

“Science.”

“Twi, you can’t just—”

“Sci-ence.”

For the third time that morning, Nero felt the urge to question why. Why had he decided to work for this crazy purple horse? He could do better than this, couldn’t he? Maybe he could get a job as a laborer, or maybe a baker.

Last time he walked by the local strip club in town he had seen that they were looking for exotic males. Maybe he could go and try his hand at that!

As he pulled the top off the flask, however, he had remembered that no one in Ponyville wanted a giant alien stallion working for them. All except Twilight, the one mare that no one else wanted to work for because they all knew how looney she was.

Groaning at his misfortunes, Nero, number one assistant to Princess Twilight Sparkle, poured half of the contents of his flask into his coffee mug. Putting the flask away and stirring his drink with his finger, he picked up his mug and took a sip.

Twilight, who had watched him do this, frowned. “Nero, you know that drinking this early in the morning isn’t good for you,”

Nero gave her the look of a man that has seen far too much in his young life and desperately wished that he was able to return to better times. Times when he still had a shred of innocence left and the world seemed a brighter place.

“We just had a five-minute conversation about getting ten gallons of blood,” he said, taking a big gulp of his “coffee”.

“We did,” Twilight agreed, as if such conversations were on par with asking someone about the weather.

“You know that most assistants do things like clean up after their bosses and get their schedules in order, right?

Twilight giggled, nudging him with a wither. “Aren’t you lucky you have such an interesting boss?” she asked.

Giving her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, Nero made a mental note to check back on the strip club when he walked home later today. If he was lucky, maybe they’d still be hiring.

“It’s why I drink at six in the morning,” he said, raising his mug and toasting her.