Rock in the Gulch: Analysis Anarchy

by cyberlord4444

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Limestone Pie, Random, Crossover, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Marble Pie, Other
Length: 1325

Each Simulation Team in project Freelancer has a crack team of analysts assigned to it. It's a good thing that the ones assigned to Blood Gulch were already slightly crazy, and that's before the ponies showed up.

When Project Freelancer started the Red and Blue Simulation Troopers project, they knew that in order to get the best results, a crack team of analysts for each battleground would be needed, selected perfectly to best match the troopers they were monitoring. Naturally the ones assigned to Blood Gulch are some of the biggest eccentrics you'll find this side of the loony bin. And when Church adopted a baby pony from another dimension, let's just say no one could blame them for putting down their pens and picking up the popcorn.

Then they got their own, and things got really crazy.

Inspired in part by the Red Vs Blue Death Battle.
I know it says sequel, but it takes place at the same time as 'The Rock in the Gulch', to be exact the first chapter takes place between 'It's Stale, Mate' and 'Insubordinariation'

Published 2017-12-01 02:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-01 02:30:06 UTC

Burn the Files

Freelancer Command

In a moderate sized office, a pair of Project Freelancer's finest analysts asked the important questions, ones that would decide the direction they would take.

"Wiz," called out a man in red armor with white stripes, "have you seen my chicken sacrificing alter?"

"You mean the barbecue you welded a bunch of car parts and a miniature guillotine to?" replied a man in blue armor with white stripes.

"That's the one, you seen it?"

"The security team's using it to celebrate a birthday."

"Darn, well I guess ol' granpappy Boomstick won't mind if someone else sacrifices a chicken in his name."

These 2 were, surprisingly, some of Project Freelancer's finest combat analysts, codenamed Wiz and Boomstick. Boomstick was originally brought on due to his doctorate in poultry science, specializing in the frying, for one of the more ridiculous simulations, what would happen if one of the teams of Sim troopers suddenly all turned into chickens? Spoilers, the other team has a barbecue party. He soon proved himself to also be a master of weapons analysis, specializing in shotguns. Wiz on the other hand had several more useful doctorates(robotics, theoretical physics, engineering, etc.) and was the first of the analysts to successfully model an accurate simulation of superpowers. Together, with their underappreciated and overworked intern Joselyn, they were an impressive team that specialized in 1v1 confrontations, or as they liked to call them, Death Battles. They also happened to be the analysts assigned to Blood Gulch.

Wiz went to one of the terminals to browse the requisitions made by both teams. "Hey Boomstick, any idea why both teams requested a load of training rounds?"

"Maybe it has something to do with the pony," replied Boomstick.

"What pony?" asked Wiz.

"That pony," Boomstick said as he pointed to the footage from the various spy-cams built into the canyon.

"Was a pony simulation scheduled for Blood Gulch? Or anywhere?" asked Wiz.

"Don't be stupid," replied Boomstick, "that's an adorable as fuck baby pony that can teleport and break solid rock with her bare hooves, I wouldn't let it leave the base, I would have called daddy dibs."

Wiz took a look at another terminal which held all the data on upcoming simulations, and found nothing even resembling what was happening what was going on at Blood Gulch. With a sigh, he walked towards the door.

"Where ya headed?" asked Boomstick.

"Oh, I'm going to throw the hard drive with all the future plans for Blood Gulch in the MRI in medical," replied Wiz, "would you mind burning the hardcopies?"

"Can I use my flamethrower?" Boomstick asked eagerly.

"Sure," Wiz replied fatalistically.

"Sweet," said Boomstick as he headed towards armory C, aka his personal collection.

Boomstick hummed merrily to himself as he pushed a wheelbarrow of paper into the flamethrower section. Setting it down, he began to pick through them. "Let's see, WWI, no. Dead Space, no. Aha!" he pulled down one that looked like it was made from a musical instrument, "The Rainblower, just the thing to celebrate them getting their own magical pony... I want my own magical pony, preferably one that can kick serious ass." However, before he turned he heard a sound that was quite familiar to him. "Huh, wonder if that party's cooking their meat the right way?" Turning around however, he saw that the wheelbarrow of paper he was going to light on fire, was now on fire.

"Hey, I was gonna burn that," he said, frowning under his helmet. However, his plans for fiery retribution were quickly canceled when he saw the culprit, a tiny pony exactly like the one the Blues got, except with a purple coat, lighter colored mane, and yellow eyes. Quickly looking around to see if anyone was around, he tossed his flamethrower to the side, where it exploded in epic rainbow-colored fashion, and glomped the pony while calling out, "Daddy Dibs!" The pony then promptly wacked him over the head with her purloined flamethrower. "Now now my little pony," Boomstick said as he picked her up and pulled the flamethrower away from her, "that's not how you hit someone with your weapon. You hit them with the butt end, it hurts more and you're less likely to break it. Unless you have a bayonet, in which case use that." The pony then reclaimed her weapon and promptly followed his advice, cracking his visor. Boomstick laughed as he ruffled her mane, "Well aren't you a fast learner." To his surprise, she didn't try to whack him this time. "Huh? Why the sudden lack of trying to hit me."

The pony then hugged her flamethrower tightly, "Don't touch." It was then that Boomstick noticed exactly which flamethrower she had grabbed, particularly the large plate that stuck up showing the brand.

"Huh, guess the kids really do love that one." He then noticed the rather large limestone pillar he used to try out his melee weapons, that was currently toppled over to make a ramp to the shelf her flamethrower was previously resting on. "I think I know what to call you."

Wiz sat in silence as the medical MRI's massive electromagnetic field caused the hard-drive to become nothing more than a very expensive paperweight. In his hand was a tablet that had the footage from the previous week or so. Of particular interest was Church's relationship with Maud, as well as a recording of Flowers' inquiry about a potential unknown personality fragment. Unlike the rest of the Blood Gulch team, he was aware of its real function, and made sure to deflect any of the more destructive scenarios from landing in it. In his right hand he was fiddling with some marbles, a habit he picked up from training fine motor control after getting that arm chopped of by a tachyon table saw and being replaced by a mechanical one, an event that he saw as a good thing. However, a stray magnetic surge from the MRI caused it to spasm slightly, causing him to drop one of the marbles. As he watched roll away behind a desk, he heard a small sound, like an eep of surprise from a particularly shy mouse. The only reason he heard it was because there was virtually no other sounds around. He slowly got up and went to look, only to find a baby pony of his own, with a light-grey color scheme and a long mane she could hide behind, playing with the marble he'd dropped. When she saw him, she quickly shrank down, although whether it was because she was shy, scared, or sorry about playing with it without asking wasn't something Wiz was able to tell. Choosing the diplomatic route, Wiz put down the remainder of his marbles and rolled them towards her, prompting a small smile that melted his heart like butter under a laser scalpel. They then proceeded to play with the marbles until the MRI finished up, and then for several minutes thereafter, allowing Wiz to come up with exactly what to call her.

Wiz and Boomstick returned to the observation room at about the same time, ponies in hand(Boomstick keeping his well away from the flamethrower). "Hey Wiz, guess what I..." Boomstick's words trailed off as he saw Wiz's new charge, "you're lucky I've already got my own."

"This should make finding out where they came from and how they got here easier, larger sample size and all that," Wiz replied, before noticing Boomstick's pony's new teddy bear. "Boomstick..." Wiz groaned as he reached out to grab it.

"Um... if I was you I wouldn't..."

*crack*

Boomstick looked down at the currently prone and twitching Wiz before turning to his pony, "I tried to warn him."

"Mm-hmm," the pony replied, as she started poking Wiz, trying to revive him.

Author's Note

I know I promised this a good while ago, I beg your forgiveness.