Monumental occasions weren’t uncommon at the United Nations headquarters. In the sixty plus years that the walls had been raised, delegates had come from all over to solve the world’s problems.
The building had seen dozens of wars and international crises. It had seen fortune, famine, and the fall of great powers and nations. Hours long arguments had gone on within these walls, as well as celebrations and even a fistfight. This building had been through quite a lot, but today it was about to be the site of something worldchanging.
Almost a month ago, a group of Russian scientists, driven almost to madness by Vodka and Knish, had accidently opened a portal to another plane of existence. It was a strange world, with creatures that were straight out of the old storybooks—a place ruled by magic, harmony, and four seemingly immortal beings of terrible power.
As soon as the news had gone out, the whole world had been shaken to its core. There had been riots, marches, parties that spanned whole cities. Churches and other holy places had been filled to bursting with the faithful who feared the unknown.
Humanity was no longer alone, and no one had any idea how to take the news.
Talks with the beings on the other side of the portal had been deliberate and cautious. A team had been sent through with the intent to set up negotiations. After much argument, it had even been decided that the team would go unarmed as a show of faith and goodwill.
The quadrupedal creatures, who preferred being called Equestrians or ponies, had none of the caution that our side had. In fact, the orange “pony” that found them wandering through her apple trees had been more friendly than concerned. After much work, today would be the day the first Equestrians would make their way through the doors of the United Nations to speak.
The entirety of the U.N. council was in the building speaking to all four Equestrian Princesses. No one was allowed in under any circumstances, and not only was the building crawling with guards but there seemed to be a pinkish tint in the air, as if one of ponies had placed a spell around the surrounding area. None of this dissuaded the hundreds of reporters, bloggers, and protesters that had been standing outside of the building since the day before.
All of them knew that the story of the century was just through the U.N. doors. If they could get through them and speak to one pony not only would they be famous. Unfortunately, the many men with guns and sour attitudes barring them from the doors— and the windows, and even the sewer system— but even so the group was a resilient bunch. If they couldn’t ask the Equestrians any questions yet, they could shout them at the men with guns until they said something. Until the mayor called the National Guard to physically remove them at least.
“We want answers!”
“What is being talked about? Do these creatures intend to invade us?”
“Down with the unclean creatures! Down with them!”
“Jack from the Daily Press, do you have anything to comment on, sir?”
“Can they speak our language? What do they eat?”
“Have you seen their teeth? Do they levitate two feet off the ground when they move?”
“Whoo! New York City baby!”
The guards stood grimly at their posts, ignoring any and all questions. Many looked less than pleased with the situation that they were in, but all knew that they had to hold firm. If they showed a hint of weakness, of hesitation, of an iota less of vigilance than they should have the crowd would swarm them. So they would just stand there, at the ready, and let the reporters tire themselves out.
It would have been a fine plan too, if not for the fact that a three foot tall, light green unicorn stepped through the front doors and stepped outside.
“Whoo, I’m glad to be out of there!” she chirped with a little hop, taking a deep breath. “A filly can only take so much talking for so… oh, hello everypony.”
The bodyguards froze.The reporters froze. The birds that had been flying overhead paused mid flap. All of them stared at this pony, who was looking around at them innocently.
“Did I come through the wrong door?” she asked.
The guards, braced themselves, waiting for the charge of bodies. To their surprise, however, that charge never came. The reporters, the bloggers, and protesters and naysayers just stared at the mare with varying looks of astonishment.
One of the guards, deciding to take advantage of the crowds lack of activity, opened the front door. “Ma’am, please go back inside. It isn’t safe for you at the moment.”
The unicorn blinked. “Not safe? How come?”
“Please ma’am, before the crowd becomes excited,” the guard said, placing a hand on her back and half leading, half pushing her through the door.
He had just about managed to shove him back inside when the crowd finally woke up.
“Wait! Please!” A man yelled. “Ma’am, miss! Could you answer a few questions!”
The unicorn perked up. “Questions? Sure, are long as I don’t have to go back and deal with the horse apples happening in there,” she said.
Though the guard tried to shove her inside, whispering warnings in her ear, she ignored him, walking past the row of security to face the reporter.
“I’m Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings,” she replied, giving him a wink. “It’s nice to meet you, good lookin’. Now whatcha want to ask me about?”
The reporter nervously cleared his throat, realizing that every eye was upon him. “I’m Nathan Yulzia from the Jersey Post. Mrs… um, Mrs. Heartstrings I was wondering if you’d like to tell us a little about yourself and what you ponies have in store for humanity?”
Lyra nodded, blowing a bit of her mane out of her face. She looked out at the reporters with a happy grin. Licking a hoof, she ran it through her mane and cleared her throat.
“Well, I’m Lyra, like I just said,” she told him. “And today I guess I’m here because one of the princesses was nice enough to ask me to come and stuff.”
She paused, her nose scrunching up. Rocking from side to side, she tapped a hoof against her chin.
“And we want the same things you want,” she continued. “We want to come together, not just financially and economically, but as friends and allies. Or something like that.” Lyra shifted back and forth, her tail flicking from side to side. “A lot of us on the other side of the portal are just as curious about you guys as you are of us, and we’d really like to get to know you all better—speak with you, share experiences, maybe even play a board game or two if you folks are into that.”
Some laughter came from the reporters as they listened intently to the unicorn, diligently writing down every word she said. Lyra seemed to very much enjoy the attention, the unicorn practically beaming as she continued.
“We want to also let you know that we’re not some weird otherworldly monsters that want to steal your sweets and pants. We might look a little different than you, and you might be a heck of a lot taller than us, but we’re a lot more similar than you’d think.” Lyra’s smile diminished. She looked behind her before looking back out at the crowd. “I think that’s it. Hopefully that answered your question, candy flanks…”
A dozen hands shot up. Before everyone could stare shouting their questions one of the people in front, a tall, red-headed woman, was quickest on the draw.
“Mrs. Heartstrings! Lian Tyler from the Tribute here! Can you tell us how your princesses plan to earn our trust?”
Lyra’a eyes widened. “Oh, well, the princesses were going to ask if your country's representatives to our world to live in Equestria for a little while.”
Lian Tyler grinned, already feeling the weight of her Pulitzer Prize in her hands. “So you want people to come and see what Equestria’s like?
“Yep” Lyra said with a nod.”
“ How many representatives do you want?”
“Not that many, just a couple I think. Twenty or fifty tops.”
Heated whispering broke out amongst the crowd.
“Mrs. Heartstrings, Lue Johnson from the Political Highliners Blog,” a chubby young man called, raising his hand. “Why would you want to do something so quickly? Have your princesses considered the negative effects that humans could have on your world?”
“I’m pretty sure the princesses don’t have the whole idea ironed out, cutie,” Lyra replied with a wink. “They do still need to do some research. The people that you give us will probably need to get checked to see if they’re a crazy pony or not. Or crazy human I guess.”
While Lue wanted to ask a few more questions, many questions in fact, he was still trying to process the fact that he had been called a cutie by a green unicorn in a suit. So, with what little brain function that wasn’t trying to work through that, lowered his hand. Thankfully, a tall blonde woman with piercing blue eyes, was eager to step up.
“June Blaze here from Planet News. Mrs. Heartstrings, would you be sending Equestrians to live amongst us as well?” she asked, pointing a recorder toward the unicorn. “If we were ever able to work out such a thing?”
“Oh, of course!” Lyra said, turning her attention to the woman. “I’m sure we’d have a bunch of mares that would love to come over.”
“And what would be the purpose of this… exchange program be?” June asked.
“Just to show you all how we ponies do things,” Lyra said with a toss of her mane. “And I’m sure it’ll help a lot of nervous ponies if they saw a real life human and got to talk to one, just like I’m sure some of your nervous mares and stallions would benefit from seeing a pony.”
“So, it would just be to ease public fear?”
“Well no,” Lyra said, looking away from the woman. “They’re be exchanging of ideas, we’ll show you how our magic works and maybe you could how us how you get those big metal cars to work. And… other things…”
A short black gentleman raised a hand. “And what might those other things be, Mrs. Heartstrings?” he asked.
“Well, since the princesses said that you guys have a bunch of males running around you’re probably gonna send a couple,” Lyra said, inspecting a hoof. “And one or two of them might be… adventurous. One thing might lead to another and…”
She trailed off, looking up at the crowd and tapping her hooves together. The reporters, none of them stupid by any means, were able to connect the dots, and when they did each reacted differently. Some awkwardly laughed, others looked shocked, while even more looked outraged and disgusted. One of them, an angry looking man in his late fifties, pushed through the crowd to stare down at the mare.
“Are you insinuating that our peoples would copulate,” he demanded, not bothering to keep the anger out of his tone.
“I’m not saying that anypony would specifically, sugar daddy,” Lyra said. “I’m just saying that things like that might happen. The right mare might come along, put a few drinks in a one of your stallions, they might get to talking, and she might manage to get his pants off and ride him off into the sunset if you know what I mean.”
Gasps erupted throughout the crowd. Some of the more delicate people in the crowd dropped to the floor out cold. Others could be heard laughing heartedly. All the while the ever present sounds of notes being scribbled and typed could be heard.
The man took a step back, his face twisting in disgust. “I don’t know who the hell you think you are, but if you think you can just talk about vile filth like that—”
“Vile?” Lyra said, her nose scrunching up. “What’s vile about it? All I’m saying is that there might be an adventurous human out there that might look at a pony and think to himself, ‘Yeah, I could hold hooves with that filly in public. I’d even make her sandwiches and eat her out on the weekends if she asks.’”
“Lecherous creature” the man said, his face reddening.
“What? Do you humans have something against making sandwiches?” Lyra asked, cocking her head to the side. “Because that’s fine, baby. There’s mares out there that would make you sandwiches whenever you want. They’d give you sandwiches, back rubs, they’d listen to some horse apples about a coworker that you don’t like, all of that.”
She gave him a wink before looking out at the crowd.
“I mean, just look at you all. Tall, with cute little eyes and button noses. I don’t know how I’m keeping my hooves to myself to be honest.”
Someone opened their mouth to say something, but Lyra continued unabated.
“It doesn’t help that every human stallion I’ve seen has been wearing socks! And those weird grabbers of yours! It’s like your whole race was built to tease any hot-blooded mare!” She pointed toward an Italian man. “Look at him! You can tell at a glance that he’s into some weird horse apples that would drive some gals back in my town nuts.”
She looked over toward one of the bloggers, a look of hunger coming to her eyes. “And what about this cutie right here? I bet he’s thinking about hopping through the portal and bagging himself a mare right now! Well, don’t you worry, you pale, red-maned hunk; there’s a mare out there for you that’d be happy to make you into an honest stallion. Heck, I could think of—”
“There you are, Lyra.”
As one, the horrified group of reporters jumped. Eyes snapping away from Lyra, they watched as another pony stepped outside. From the reports that all of them had read, they instantly knew her as Twilight Sparkle, one of the princesses of Equestria.
“Lyra, what in Celestia’s name are you doing?” the princess asked, trotting toward the unicorn. “I look away for two seconds and I see that you disappeared! Why did you run off? You know that we were supposed to stay together!”
“I was sick of standing around all day!” Lyra said. “I wanted to take a walk, stretch my legs.”
Twilight frowned. “That doesn’t mean—”
“Mrs Sparkle! Dave from News National! Is it true that you Equestrians want to bring human males to your world to make them sex slaves?”
“What?” Twilight said, whipping around to look at the man, her eyes widening. “No! Why would we want something like that?!”
“Yeah!” Lyra said with a stomp of her hoof. “We don’t want anything like that!... Unless some of you stallions are into that sort of thing. I won’t judge.”
“Mrs. Sparkle, do all Equestrian ponies love human males?”
“Do the stallions want our females too?”
“What do your reproductive organs look like?”
“Mrs. Sparkle, have you copulated with a human yet? Do you want to?”
Blush coming to her face, Twilight looked over at Lyra. “Lyra, what in Celestia’s name did you tell these people?”
Lyra’s muzzle scrunched up in thought. She looked down at the ground. Letting out a hum, she smacked her lips together.
“I’m gonna be honest with you, Twi, I can’t think of a good lie right now,” she said. “So I’m going to tell you the truth. I’m going to tell you and everypony here the truth.”
Taking a deep breath, Lyra drew herself up. “Fillies, gentlecolts, please lend me your ear.”
“Lyra,” Twilight said, taking a few more steps toward her. “You know how important—”
“When I was a young filly I had a dream,” Lyra said, raising a hoof into the air. “To most it would have seemed like a dream so filled with pegasus dropping that it’d come out of my years.”
“Lyra, you—”
“I didn’t want to be a princess, or a member or the royal guard. Being a porn star was my plan B dream but we’re not here to talk about that. You know, unless you really want to and you have somepony that can help make that dream a reality.”
Lyra winked at one of the reporters who, after looking around, gave the unicorn a discreet thumbs up.
“My real, grade-A, heartfelt and other mushy stuff dream was to have a stallion of my own. I wanted a colt to come home to everyday. I wanted one to smooch and buy things for. I wanted to walk through my front door everyday to a smile, a “Hello honey”, and a kiss on the cheek. And sure, as I got a little older the dream changed a bit. I acquired some… tastes that may or may not involve chubby colts and ice cream. And cameras. While he’s wearing this cute little outfit with crotchless underwear…”
She trailed off, staring off into the distance. To some of the crowds alarm, they all watched as a trail of drool began to make its way down her lip. Thankfully, Lyra didn’t stay into her stupor for long, giving her head a shake.
“Anyway, I’ve always had this dream, a dream that a lot of fillies have and a dream that they really never have a chance of seeing. I mean, look at Twilight over there, she’s a princess and she’s never even been kissed by a stallion before!”
“H-Hey!” Twilight said, reddening. “I have too! I’ve kissed a b-bunch of stallions! Really! And what does—"
“But now there’s a portal open full of sock-wearing, grabbers-having stallions,” Lyra said, throwing both hooves up into the air. “Now mares like Twilight can finally find somepony that will give her all the kisses she wants, and I’ll find some cute colt that’ll sit on my face!” She looked over Lue. “Like sugar daddy over there. I’d motorboat those butt cheeks every day of the week—”
Twilight, who had by now had enough, picked her friend up with her magic.
“Hey!” Lyra cried, wiggling her hooves. “Put me down, Twilight! I’m not done with my speech!”
“This is the last time I take you anywhere,” Twilight grumbled.
She looked up at the reporters, trying to think of something to say that would excuse her friends inappropriate and inexcusable behavior. She, of course, failed spectacularly, and after a few moment’s thought figured that it would be far more prudent to let Princess Luna or Princess Celestia smooth things over.
“I… um, excuse me. I’m sorry about Lyra…”
With that, Twilight quickly made her way toward the exit, Lyra thrashing around the whole while.
“Can we just have a few men? A couple hundred is all we’re asking!” Lyra yelled. “That’s not too many right? You could spare a couple thousand when you have so many! Please, not just for me and Twilight here but for mares everywhere! Twi, put me down right now! You were talking about seeing if you could get a harem of these colts, you bucking hypocrite. You told me all of the nasty things you wanted to do to them! You told me!”
Twilight, who could be clearly seen blushing by everyone with eyes, quickly disappeared outside into the building. Lyra, doing everything that she could to stay in the room, grabbed the edge of the doorway.
Frowning, Twilight tried to pull her off but Lyra held on with all of her might. The door groaned in protest, bowing slightly from the strain. Twilight tried again, tugging a little harder, but the unicorn would not be moved so easily.
“LET US TOUCH YOUR BUTTS! WE PROMISE THAT YOU’LL LIKE IT! ONCE YOU GO PONY YOU’LL NEVER TO BAAAAAAAACK! WE AIN’T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS!”
With a magical yank— a yank that took some of the door with her— Lyra was yanked into the building, disappearing from sight. The crowd stared at the space where she had just been, all of them very quiet and very, very horrified.
Silence descended upon the room as everyone processed what had happened. In this processing, many puzzled over various questions in their minds.
Had that really happened? What would this mean for them, their countries, and the world itself? Did a unicorn just come in and hit on them? What was life really? What were they going to tell their children when they came home in the next few days?
Finally, someone from the back broke the silence. “Eh, I’d smash it.”
Bonus: Twilight Only Makes The Problem Worse
“It’s wonderful to have you all back tonight. I’m Kathie Karrick and this is Kathie’s News Corner. As I’m sure you’re all well aware, we have a very special guest. Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and she’s one of Equestria’s princesses. Your highness, I can honestly say that it’s a pleasure having you here.”
Away from the cameras, a small applause sign lit up. The crowd for the show, which numbered nearly two hundred, didn’t pay it any mind. Everyone, from the crowd to the crew to the coordinators of the show, were all looking at the pony sitting adjacent to Kathie Karrick.
The chair that Twilight was sitting in was just a bit too big for her. This was only highlighted by the fact that the alicorn had elected to sit like a human so as to make herself seem less alien to those watching. A mug of tea was held in between her hooves as she sat there, trying her best not to feel a bit anxious about all of the eyes settled on her.
“It’s a pleasure to be here, Kathie,” she said, giving the older woman a heartfelt, if slightly tense, smile. “And please, just call me Twilight.”
Kathie responded with a Hollywood-winning smile that sent the alicorn’s fur on end. “Alrighty, Twilight. Now, as I’m sure you know, a lot of people are still reeling that we’re not the only ones out there in the universe.”
“Of course. This comes as a big shock to everycreature on Equus as well,” Twilight replied. “Not a few months ago, I myself would have never even dreamed about something so substantial happening.”
“It is substantial. If not the biggest thing to happen to humanity then at least in our top ten.”
The applause sign lit up. No one reacted to it.
Kathie cleared her throat as she leaned back into her chair. “Yes, well, I’m sure you’re expecting me to ask you a million questions about every little aspect of Equestrian life.”
The tip of Twilight’s horn glowed. Gasps and cries of wonder came from the crowd as she teleported a small notebook onto her lap.
“I’ve done some extensive research on your program,” Twilight said, a twinge of pride coming to get voice. “And after watching over fifty episodes of your show I’ve compiled a list of all possible questions that you’d ask and have thorough and hopefully thoughtful answers for all of them.”
A commotion broke out amongst the crowd. Some people started chuckling at the pony’s enthusiasm, others could no longer help themselves and started awing at how cute she looked sitting up like that. Seeing this, the show’s crew sprung into action, and in under a minute the crowd was calmed down.
The smallest of frowns could be seen on Kathie’s face as she looked off camera, but her smile quickly reappeared as she looked through some papers she had on hand. Twilight leaned forward, flipping open her notebook, which only earned her some more awing and laughter.
“It’s wonderful to have a guest so… prepared. If you don’t mind though, I think I’d like to stay away from daily life on Equus and talk about something that happened not a few weeks ago while you and your fellow rulers were speaking to the U.N. representatives.”
Twilight winced. “That… that wasn’t supposed to happen,” she said, ears folding against her skull.
Kathie laughed. “Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t. It did give us news people a heck of a lot to talk about. There’s been a ton of speculation and rumors ever since Mrs. Heartstrings made her debut, but before we get into any of that I’d like to hear your side of the story about what happened.”
“Lyra is one of my good friends,” Twilight said, not daring to look up from her coffee mug. “She heard that I was going to New York to talk to your delegates and insisted that she come.”
“And you just let her? On something as important as meeting with the U.N.?”
Twilight made a face. “Lyra can be… very stubborn if she doesn’t get her way. If I didn’t let her come with me she would have probably tried to sneak through the portal herself.”
“I guess you don’t get a lot of terrorists in Equestria then, huh your highness?” Kathie said, looking at the camera.
There was a pause amongst the show’s crew. After nearly a minute the applause sign flickered on. It was ignored.
Kathie coughed. “You have to admit that it was quite the show. What I found especially interesting is what Mrs. Heartstrings said right before you pulled her into the building. Something about you wanting a group of men all to yourself?”
“Oh that? Hahaha, Lyra was just being silly,” Twilight said, nearly dropping her mug as a blush found its way onto her face.
“So, Equestrians aren’t here to steal all of our men then? That’s a relief.”
Twilight looked up at Kathie. Her bright purple eyes flicked to the camera, then at the crowd before they settled back onto her mug. “Steal of course not. We ponies would never do anything like that.” She shifted from left to right, her feathers ruffling ever so slightly. “But if some human men were so inclined to come to Equestria we’d be happy to have them…”
“Oh really?” Kathie said, her eyebrow raising.
“Of course,” Twilight said with a nod. “There’s a lot of places to see in our kingdom that are breathtaking, and I’m sure that bringing in some humans to help make our daily lives better would be wonderful. I know you have technology that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around. With your efforts and our magic I’m sure we could do a lot of great things.”
“I’m sure.”
Twilight chewed on her bottom lip. “And if there were to be any other ways for our peoples to become closer I can say that most ponies would welcome it with open hooves…”
“You seem to have a few ideas on our races becoming closer. Would you mind clarifying?”
“Well, there’s a million different things that both sides could do to improve relations, but I feel like just sitting down together and getting to know each other would be good.”
“I’m sure every little girl would love having a talking pony as a friend,” Kathie said, looking toward the camera. “I’m definitely not a little girl anymore and even the idea of it makes me feel like I’m in my barbie pajamas again.”
The show’s crew exchanged glances. No one even bothered with the sign this time.
“I’ve been getting to know quite a few humans myself,” Twilight, seemingly ignoring Kathie’s fumbling. “There’s been some touch and go about a few things, cultural awkwardness and all that, but I can say that I’ve found some really good friends.”
“That’s fantastic, Twilight! Tell me, have you noticed anything different about us humans compared to your pony friends?”
“Many, many things,” Twilight said, perking up with a smile. “Your species is fascinating. We’re not totally different, but there’s some little things here and there that are really baffling.”
“Really?”
“Yeah! A lot of it is social things, but there’s some really interesting biological quarks that have a lot of ponies curious. Especially with your males. Like did you know that a man, no matter the ethic, will become noticeably calmer around mares?”
Kathie’s smile diminished somewhat. “Do they now?”
Twilight nodded. “I’ve run some tests. Out of a dozen men everyone has had slightly lowered blood pressure and heart rate when a mare enters the room along with pupil dilation. The funny thing is that the exact same thing happens to the mare! This only becomes more noticeable when the two are near each other. At ten feet dopamine is released and both parties become happy at seeing each other. At five feelings of warmth and affection being to grow in the mare and man. If one or both of them are sitting there’s a forty percent chance that both of them will scooch closer until they’re sides are touching or until the mare hopes into the man’s lap. This is when things get really interesting.”
Kathie, becoming visibly uncomfortable, placed her mug onto the table in front of her and leaned forward in her chair. “Yes, well, that’s very fascinating. If we could stop this discussion for just a minute so we can go to—”
“For reasons that we can’t yet determine, your males seem to find our coats very pleasant to touch. Nearly all of the mares that I’ve spoken to have said they they’ve very much enjoyed them being touched, so much so they they’ve commented about feeling safe in their arms.”
“Princess Twilight, plea—”
“It’s at this point that both parties are feeling the same comfort and safety as two loved ones that are sleeping in each other’s arms. I’ve seen both mares and men fall asleep holding each other, while others begin talking like they’ve known each other for their entire lives!”
Twilight looked like she was ready to leap out of her chair, her wings twitching and shifting at her sides as she wiggled back and forth in her seat. She turned towards the camera as if addressing the entire audience.
“I know your race has a natural aversion to xenophilia and bestiality, but from what myself and other ponies have recorded none of these negative feelings seem to be coming from any of the men. In fact, I’ve even recorded some increased heart rates and seen men look at mares in more ‘intimate’ ways. It’s almost as if we mares were designed to capture a man’s eye, from our snouts to the tips of our tails. The same can be said for your men, since there’s an… exoticness that really draws us in.
From what I’ve heard, there hasn’t been anything physical happening between anycreature yet, but there really seems to be signs that it’s coming to that.”
“Princess—”
“I swear I even saw a cutiemark glowing on a mare when she sat in the man’s lap, something which only happens when a mare finds her soulmate. Did you now that some of the studies I’ve conducted personally have shown that mares and men have a ninety-five percent compatibly rate. That includes likes and dislikes, tastes, and views on the future. Many, many men also like having a partner that’s smaller than them, which a mare is perfectly suited for.”
Twilight giggled to herself as if some hilarious joke had been told. Kathie looked off camera, gesturing toward some of the crew off screen.
“A mare, oddly enough, feels empowered when around a human male as well, and not at all deterred by the size difference. There’s some more studies that need to be conducted, but I imagine there’s not going to be any shortage of subjects for the mating aspec—”
Before anymore words could be said, the show went to commercial. Despite the applause sign not being now, this didn’t stop the crowd at the studio from breaking down into hysterical, but some thoughtful and analytical glances from some of the guys in attendance, laughter.
