Author's Note
This is what happens when you mix whiskey, DWK's Totally Legit Recap, and Homer's Pony Thread Simulator all in one night.
I regret everything in life.
...Or is it Silverwear?
It was another one of those stupidly perfect Ponyville days for Anon. Seriously, the same shit every damn day. Sunny, seventy six point five degrees, and only a few scattered clouds that magically knew when you wanted shade and followed you around. Like, why does it always have to be so perfect? Even the season changes are just stupidly perfect. No sudden drop in temperature, everypony has the perfect amount of warning before the weather change to pull in their lawn furniture. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting.
At Anon’s death glare to the narrator, the black suited human continued his morning stroll through the quiet town.
Have you ever had one of those weird thoughts that comes to mind, and no matter how much you try to get it out of your head, or distract yourself with other things, it just keeps coming back? Well, Anon had one of those thoughts rattling around in his stupid head.
Anon also reminded the narrator of the forty five he keeps on his right hip, and apologized and promised to stop derailing the story before it can even fucking start.
Anyway, today Anon had a mission. Something that had been bothering him for some time. So what is this question? What could the amazing and all caring Anon be thinking about?
I actually don’t know, that’s kinda why I’m narrating this story right now. It’s not like I’m actually paid to write this crap, because trust me, if I were, there’d be more caring and effort put into this hunk of junk. Instead, I gotta follow around some green-tard who got his stupid ass stuck in magical pony-land.
I’m pretty sure anyone could actually function normally and rationally in Equestria if they actually tried. But no, not Anon. He’s just an average guy with green skin (or is it a mask?) and a suit that seems to be perfectly ironed every time even though he doesn’t own a damn iron.
So there he was, Anon, walking to Golden Oaks… oh no wait, that got blown up. He’s going to the Friendship Castle to ask Twilight a serious question that’s been bothering him for some time. Probably not us though, we probably already know the answer, because we’re smarter than him. I mean, how many times can a guy say ‘no’ to a yellow pegasus pushing herself onto him? What a total wack.
Aaaaaanyway, he rapped on the door with three gentle knocks.
One of the double doors swung open wildly, a double barrel shotgun coming within inches of his face.
“Oh, it’s just you,” Spike said, lowering a long gun that’s impossibly larger than him.
“And hello to you too, Spike,” Anon said. No, wait, it was more of a slur. Did he have some liquor before he left home this morning? I know I’m halfway through a fifth so-
“So what brings you by?” Spike asked.
“Well, Twilight always told me to come by if I ever had any serious questions.”
“Do you?”
Anon rubbed the back of his head. “Kinda?” Wow, kinda? Can you even word, Anon? Jesus-
“Oh yeah, I’ve been there. Like this one time, I asked Twilight about eating the cookies in the urinals, but she said there was no such thing as a urinal and to stop eating candy off the ground. She just doesn’t understand how much waste everypony does with their candy. Especially gum.”
“Yeah, okay, sure Spike. So is Twilight around?” Anon asked.
“Oh yeah, she’s in the library.”
“Let me guess, studying?”
“Well her secret box was still vibrating under her bed when I was looking for gum, so probably yeah.”
“Cool. Wait, what?” Anon as-wait, what?
So Anon followed Spike to the library, because fuck this castle, even I’m lost and I’m narrating this bitch. Like, is it the next left? Or straight? Fuck if I know, hell fuck if Spike even knows. Lets just say he does for the sake of plot progression.
Spike stopped at a single door with a book image on it. Yeah, it’s probably that one. Good job, Spike! Want a urinal cookie?
“This the library?” Anon asked, stupidly.
“Yup!” Spike said with an even stupider smile.
Fun fact, I actually have nothing against Spike, but apparently everyone else who writes or majoritally reads these Anon fics does, so I figured I’d just make him dumb to appease you jackals too. Wait, is majoritally a word? Because auto-correct didn’t-
Anon placed his palms firmly on the door, pushing it open to enter the book room in search for the book horse. The library inside the Castle of Friendship was a stark contrast to the old Golden Oaks library. Where Golden Oaks had its homey feel and comfortable atmosphere, the Castle of Friendship had room. A lot of room, in fact. Books everywhere, and so Anon smacked his two brain cells together and deduced the purple mare was near the largest stack of unshelved books.
“Hey Twilight! You awake?”
From her book stack, Twilight turned around to face Anon with a pleasant smile.
“Oh hi there Anon! Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” Twilight asked.
“Oh, um, I dunno. I just kinda figured… never mind.” Yeah Anon, that’s what I thought. Just shut up and stop that line of thinking before you make yourself look even dumber.
“Okay? Did you need something?”
Anon snapped his fingers. “Oh yeah, right. Twilight, I had a question for you, and it might be kinda stupid.” God damn, that only took over eight hundred words to get this far…
“Oh sure, go ahead Anon. There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” Twilight said. Oh poor Twilight, how little you know of this green-tard…
“Well, you know how I’ve gone with you and the other girls to Canterlot, and Manehattan, and other cities of wealth, right?”
Twilight nodded her head.
“Well, one thing I’ve noticed, especially in Canterlot Castle, and well, here in general. Do you guys have silverware?” Wait, what? Anon, that’s your fucking question? Jesus Christ, I wasted two hours of my night of sleep to write this crock of shi-
Twilight’s expression went grim. “W-what did you just say?”
“I’ve noticed you have utensils, but nopony ever says silverware, and in fact, I’ve never seen anything made of silver around Equestria.” Wait, what? Anon, what are you- “Gold, sure. Platinum, of course. But where is the actual silverware?”
Twilight’s face went pale, her eyes taking longer to blink as she stared at Anon. Like, even I’m not sure what’s up with Twilight at this point. Anon’s asking a valid question for once. I guess we just gotta wait for her to snap out of it, or you know, Anon could close her mouth because her breath fucking stinks. Hell, snap his fingers again. Do something you fucking-
Anon finally waved his hand in front of Twilight’s face, causing the mare to jerk back.
“Twilight? What’s wrong?”
“Anon, I’m just… that’s morbid!”
“Morbid?” Anon asked for us all.
“Yes! Anon, the term ‘silverware’ came from a very horrific time in Equestria’s past, when we were at war with the gryphons. And how could you even insinuate that we’d use kitchen utensils as eating tools? Or did you mean weapons? Anon, what’s wrong with you?” Twilight stood.
Yeah Anon, what the fuck is wrong with you? So insensitive… but you know, continue being stupid so we know what the fuck’s going on, mkay? Thanks.
“Twilight! I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about! Where I come from, we have lots of stuff made of silver, and I just thought it was odd you don’t.”
“In all the time you’ve been here, I can’t believe you’ve never noticed what happens when a pony gets hurt, or cut, or even picked up a book and looked up pony anatomy.”
“Well, I’d imagine they bleed?”
“Yes, Anon! But bleed what?”
Yeah Anon, what?
“Blood?” No shit, Anon…
“No! We bleed silver!”
“Wait, what?” Anon sa-wait WHAT?
“How do you think ponies act as conduits for magic? The silver in our systems helps regulate it. It keep our bodies at a controlled temperature otherwise we’d boil alive from the magical radiation. Above all else, it’s just what keeps us alive at a basic level.”
Both were silent, allowing what Twilight said to sink into Anon’s think skull.
“Aha ha ha!” Anon burst into laughter. Wow, insensitive much you cucktard?
“What’s so funny!?” Twilight said, the hint of anger in her voice.
“Twilight, that’s the most crazy thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been here for some undisclosed years. I think I would have noticed ponies bleeding liquid silver.”
“I’m not kidding. We bleed silver.”
“Oh yeah, sure and all the gold everywhere came out your poop shoots.” Oh shit Anon, that was actually pretty good.
“Yes, but that’s another story for another night of the author binge drinking. Silver is a very serious thing, Anon, and I do not appreciate you taking this as a big joke.”
Anon calmed down, looking Twilight in the face.
“Oh, you’re serious.”
“Yes, I am.”
“So… you bleed silver?”
“Technically, silver runs in our veins and through our hearts, but if we’re cut then yes, we will bleed silver.”
Wow, that’s kinda fucked…
“So, when you said silverware was a bad saying…”
“The gryphons would skin us and cover themselves with our silver blood to frighten us, calling it silverwear.”
JESUS THAT IS FUCKED.
“Oh God, Twilight, I didn’t… I mean… where I’m from, silver is like gold that comes from the ground, and we use it for all sorts of stuff. I mean hell, my watch has silver in it and-” Anon was cut off for being a complete idiot saying that.
“Your watch has pony blood in it!? Anon, that’s horrible! Morbid! You’re as bad as those gryphons!”
“That’s racist!” Anon said. In truth he’s spot on. Wow is this story starting to go into that weird shift where shit starts going bad, but Anon’s waking up mentally and showing he’s not a total green-tard? “And it’s not pony blood! It’s silver harvested from the ground!”
“Where do you think silver goes when a pony dies?”
“...”
…
“A pony is buried in the ground, so their silver goes into the ground. The Planet takes it back, which helps power Equestria and allows future generations to be born. So in harvesting silver, you’re taking away a pony’s unborn life! That watch of yours is an abortion!”
“Twilight, what the fuck are you saying?” Anon said, totally in the right. Seriously, this bitch is crazy. In fact, this whole story is crazy. I wasted half a fifth of Jack on this shit? Let’s just get this ride over so I can go the fuck to sleep.
“Anon, give me your watch so I can return it to the earth!”
“No! This is one of my last things from home! My mother got it for me before I left for college, and instead of college, I got sucked here!”
“Give me that- wait, you were like, twenty five when you came here. Why were you just going to college?”
“I was held back a few grades, okay? Math was hard…”
“Oh, well if you still need a tutor, I can help you out.”
“Wait, really? Because, I was thinking about applying to some colleges around here, and I could really use a tutor.”
“Anon, of course I’d help you! I could even put in a good word for you to get into any college you’d like!”
“Wait, really?”
Seriously, where the fuck did this story go?
“Yes! Just give me your murderous watch first then we’ll get right on that.”
“But it didn’t take any life from Equestria!”
“What about any ponies on your home planet?”
“They bleed blood like I do! Silver was a precious metal, not some Harry Potter esque shit!” You tell her, Anon!
“You’re literally wearing silverwear right now! Give me that or so help me I’ll-”
Twilight was cut off by the sound of the door closing, Anon gone from sight.
Aaaaand Anon made a break for it. I wonder how long it will take before he realizes she has magic?
Just one page break, apparently, as now Twilight dragged Anon along by his wrist towards Canterlot. Mind you, not dragged along the ground, but she’s got wings, so she’s just flying with him hanging on for dear life as Twilight angrily flapped her wings. How does a pony flap their wings angrily? I dunno, she just was, fucking deal with it.
Twilight banked hard to the right, dropping Anon on one of the many random balconies of Canterlot Castle. Except, this one was occupied by Princess Celestia and Luna, so not really random, royal is the proper word.
“Ah, speak of thy devil and he shall appear,” Luna said, throwing in another reference to this author’s stories.
“Hello Anonymous, we were just talking about you,” Celestia said, giving a hoof to help Anon out from the debris that was once their patio table.
“Yeah, well Twilight thought it would be good for me to go for a little flight,” Anon said, looking into the sky for the book horse of terror.
“I see. Do you need any medical attention? You appear to have taken more of a harsh fall than I’d thought.”
Anon shook his head. “No thank you, Princess Celestia, most of this was from Twilight anyway.”
Both princesses blinked, looking from one another and back to Anon. “Why?”
“Because she says my watch is an abortion, and that you ponies bleed silver and poop gold or something, which I find weird considering half of Canterlot is made up of gold.”
“Yes, isn’t it grand?” Celestia asked.
“So you ponies will cover your capital city in literal horse shit, but not splatter it with blood?”
“Nay, we’ve not had to shed pony blood on the capital since before my banishment,” Luna said, trying to sound all old timey, while remaining readable for you fucktwats.
“Riiiiight, anyway, I’m not sure where Twilight went, and it’s starting to worry me. Can I go home now, and forget about the last twenty three hundred or so words?”
No, fuck you Anon, if we gotta suffer through this shit then so do you.
“I dare say I agree with thy narrator, we should first inquire onto young Sparkle’s claims of abortion powered time reminder devices.”
“Fuckin’ what?” Anon mimicked our thoughts exactly.
Twilight chose that moment to land on the balcony with a little gray colored filly on her back.
“Oh God, what’s this?” Anon asked, already knowing this joke is going to be the death of me.
“Anon, this filly’s name is Silverspoon. Silverspoon, this is Anonymous.”
“We’ve met.” Both filly and human said at once.
“Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, this filly here was suppose to have a brother. He was to be born of Earth Pony parents, but then something happened.”
Both princesses looked to Anon.
“What?” Anon asked.
Oh shit son, you’re fucked. Welp, time to start packing my bags.
Twilight continued on. “Then, one day, Anon appears in Equestria, and poof! Silver’s brother is no more. Why, though, would that be?”
“Why?” Luna asked.
“I’ll tell you why. Because Anon is wearing silverware!
Both princesses gasp in horror, and Silverspoon faints, but sadly doesn’t fall off the balcony or anything remotely exciting.
“Exhibit A: Anon’s watch!” Twilight held up Anon’s arm, showing it to the princesses. “He said so himself, it holds silver inside!”
“Yes! But not Equestrian Silver!”
Anon, for fucks sake, shut up. You don’t have citizenship so no free lawyer, and I’m not bailing you out again you cheap ass mother fucker. Also, I just realized all I’m packing for this ship wreck is toilet paper and whiskey. What’s become of my life?
Ignoring the narrator’s troubles, Twilight continued on. “So upon Anon’s entry to Equestria, his watch stole the life essence of Silverspoon’s soon to be brother, robbing her family of another child and making her mother go barren.
“How the fuck is that my fault!? I was sucked here by one of your crazy ass experiments!” Anon shouted, his suit wrinkling from the cliche he’s spouting.
“So all I asked him for was his watch, and he refuses to give it to me. I may very well be able to save Silverspoon’s brother, or at least give her mother another chance.”
“Hm, that does seem fair, Anonymous,” Princess Celestia said.
“I dare say I agree,” Luna dare say again in a daring way of saying things.
“And I dare say this is all bullshit,” Anon said with impotent rage.
“Very well, Anonymous, we have no choice then but to take your abortion watch from you.”
Anon backed up to the railing, running out of options and time as three mares slowly walked towards him. What should have been his greatest fantasy was now becoming a horror as Luna pulled out a butcher knife.
This may be it for our dear Anon, the poor sap. Or, you know, you could actually retain some semblance of continuity and remember something mentioned earlier in the story.
“Huh?”
You know, the thing about me breaking this story, and you-
“Oh yeah!” Anon pulled up his suit shirt, drawing his M1911 from its holster, pointing the gun at the princesses.
“Okay, ladies, no one has to get hurt. I just wanna go back home.”
“Anon, we’ve been over this, we can’t-”
“I mean my home in Ponyville! Yeesh, even I’m not that stupid.”
“Yes, sister, as they say, yeesh,” Luna said, trying to fit in.
“Anon, you know as well as I do, that this isn’t going to get you anywhere. Just give up, give us the watch, and wipe away the debt,” Twilight said, now stealing quotes from video games.
At that moment of distraction, Celestia lunged at Anon in an attempt to disarm him. As Murphy would proudly gloat, ya dun fucked up, because the gun accidentally discharged in Celestia’s face.
“HOLY SHIT!” Anon shouted, dropping the gun, and leaving everypony in stunned silence.
Everypony watched in horror as Celestia lay on the balcony, her face half blown off, liquid silver running everywhere.
Luna, Twilight, and the rest of us all glare at Anon, the fucking retard. Seriously, it’s a 1911. Cocked and locked, fucktwat! COCKED AND LOCKED. THAT’S HOW YOU STOP ACCIDENTS!
“I’m… I’m sorry, it wasn’t, I didn’t…” Anon falls to his knees, pure despair plastered on his face, along with liquid silver that also was blood.
“Well, that’s just great,” Twilight said.
“Aye, this surely will ruin mine sister’s day.”
No shit.
“Sister, do you need a hoof?” Luna asked.
“Wait, what?” Anon asked again, this time the narrator coping out of that joke in favor of word count explaining that he’s sick of these repetitive jokes. Jesus I need more Jack for this-
Suddenly, to Anon’s shock and horror, Celestia sat back up, her face slowly morphing back into shape like some Terminator esque shit. Seriously, that’s it? What a total puss out of a story plot.
“Anonymous, that was unwise,” Celestia said, her face finally reshaped back to its former self.
“So wait a second, hold the fuck up. Are you telling me, that you ponies are like, terminators but from the Harry Potter universe? Seriously?”
“Well, we are immortal,” Celestia said, adjusting her right eye some.
“Except for Twilight,” Luna added coldly.
Anon looked at the three princesses, and with a defeated sigh, removed his watch like the chump he was.
“Fine, I give. Here’s my fucking watch. Can I go home now?”
Twilight eagerly scooped up the watch and flew off.
Anon watched, brow raised, and how odd that was, but was met with Luna offering her back to him in a, sadly, non-lewd manner. “Climb aboard, and I shall take you home, Anon.”
So along with Silverspoon, Luna flied the two back home. Along the flight, Silverspoon woke up, and as Anon took a good look at her, realization hit him.
“Hold up, your cutie mark is a spoon.”
Silverspoon nodded.
“It’s… a silver spoon.”
“Um, yeah? Duh.”
“And your name is… wait, but I thought you guys just said that you didn’t have silverwear, or you did but it’s spelled different or something, and it was like, evil or something?”
“Nay, Anonymous. This was all a rouse. Twilight just really wanted your watch.”
“WHAT THE FUCK!” Anon shouted. “WHERE’S THE PUNCHLINE?”
There is none. Twilight just wanted his watch. The end. Go away. I’m going to sleep. Happy new year, get off my porch.
