Y'All Need Beanis

by shallow15

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Random, Fetish, Comedy, Applejack (EqG), Equestria Girls, Sex, Sunset Shimmer
Length: 2051

Sunset Shimmer searches for sanctuary... and instead falls further into bean-flavored madness

Between discovering Rainbow Dash has been fucking everyone in sight, Twilight Sparkle's determination to dominate the organic sex toy industry, overly horny investors, and apparent industrial espionage, Sunset Shimmer is feeling a little overwhelmed and just wants one uninterrupted good night's sleep. But everyone involved with Beanis, Inc. knows where she lives and how to get ahold of her.

Fortunately, Sunset knows somewhere she can go to hide. After all, there's no way an honest, wholesome girl like Applejack would be involved in this perverted nonsense, right?

Right?

A fan work set in the Beanis Cinematic Universe

Published 2018-05-05 16:30:08 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-05 16:30:08 UTC

Seriously, You Do

Applejack was the earliest riser out of her group of friends. Farm life required it. She usually had chores to do before breakfast and school, so getting up before dawn wasn't anything new for her.

What was new was finding Sunset Shimmer curled up in a sleeping bag on the barn floor when she opened the door. Applejack quirked an eyebrow, then knelt down and gently shook Sunset's shoulder.

“Sunset? C'mon, sugarcube, time to wake up.”

Sunset muttered and rolled over, pulling the bag up over her head. Applejack rolled her eyes, and grabbed the end of thebag, dumping Sunset out onto the floor.

“Fuck!” Sunset cursed. She looked up. “What the hell, Applejack?!”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Applejack said, holding out a hand. Sunset took it and got to her feet. “Mind tellin' me why you're sleepin' in my barn?”

“I needed to get some sleep,” Sunset said. She walked over to a nearby workbench and rummaged through a backpack lying on top of it. “Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I need a shower.”

Applejack frowned. “My home is your home, but that still don't answer why you're sleepin' in my barn. Why can't you sleep at your place?”

Sunset sighed. “Ever since Twilight found out someone stole her designs and used it to market the – ” She cringed as she spoke the next word. “Tofussy, she's been trying to figure out who did it, and she keeps calling me in the middle of the night with her latest theories. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in weeks!”

“You could just turn your phone off,” said Applejack. Sunset turned to face her friend, a toothbrush and toothpaste in her hand.

“Do you know what happens when you don't answer any of her calls, texts, instant messages, or anything else she sends? She shows up at your door, demanding to be let in. It doesn't matter if you're asleep, using the toilet, or even looking at your favorite anime tentacle porn site...”

“Beg pardon?”

“... she shows up and will not leave you alone!” Sunset began ranting, ignoring Applejack's query. “And before you ask, I can't stay with anyone else, because Twilight has them all roped into all this Beanis business! If it isn't Twilight, it's Pinkie Pie wanting a taste test of new flavors for the Cupcanus! When Wallflower isn't in the lab, she's scheming to get Fluttershy naked, which is ridiculous because Fluttershy happily gets naked at the drop of a hat these days! Rainbow keeps fucking every girl in sight who asks to see her dick, when she isn't being summoned for more fucking by Mrs. Chrysalis or Rarity! And every time I turn around, I see some new deranged product on the drawing board, and it doesn't help that this insanity is actually making money! I didn't want any part of this and now I'm the god damn accountant!

“Which brings me to the next problem! Money is disappearing somewhere. I've been trying to figure out where it's going but all I can find is invoices being billed to 'SAAR&D!' I know Twilight knows something about this, but all she says is it's a 'strategic alliance' and the money is for consulting fees! I thought she had put everything else on hold, and now she's hiring a consultant?! What the fuck? I mean, seriously, what the fuck am I doing with my life?!”

Sunset stopped screaming, breathing heavily. She looked up at Applejack and gave a rueful smile. “Sorry, got carried away. Look, I just wanted one night to sleep and not have to hear anything about Beanises, Tofussies, Cupcanuses, or anything having to do with Rainbow's dick. I figured here would be the best place to hide. I know I should have called, but it was a spur of the moment thing. I'm sorry.”

Sunset smiled at her friend. A smile which soon turned into a frown as she saw the blush on Applejack's cheeks and something else. She pointed at the garment Applejack was wearing.

“Why are you in a bathrobe?”

“Um... well, I was just... uh... goin' to... yeah...”

“Applejack.” Sunset's voice was hard. Applejack ran a hand through her hair.

“Well... um... SAAR&D is me.”

“What?” Sunset said, her voice flat.

“SAAR&D,” Applejack explained. “'Sweet Apple Acres Research and Design.' I've kinda been doin' some work for Twi on the side.”

Sunset's expression remained neutral. “You're about to tell me you've been working on something that involves fucking apples, aren't you?”

Applejack folded her arms and glared at Sunset. “Contrary to what folks at school think, I ain't completely obsessed with apples, and I sure as hell don't wanna fuck 'em!”

Now it was Sunset's turn to look uncomfortable. “I'm sorry,” she said sincerely. “It's just... I was hoping you weren't involved in –“

“Now, apple trees on the other hand...”

Sunset rubbed the bridge of her nose. “'Okay,' she said, knowing full well that she was about to see something she could never unsee, 'What the fuck are you working on for Twilight, AJ?'”

Applejack grinned and led Sunset to the back of the barn, where there were tarps draped over several large objects. “When I heard about how Twilight's beanis's were doin' big business and she was lookin' for new products to expand with, I got to thinkin' about some of the stuff I've seen online. Y'all heard of a sybian?”

Sunset considered lying but it was too god damn early in the morning for subterfuge. At least, not without at least five cups of coffee first. “It's basically a cushion you straddle that has a vibrator built in the top.”

“Right,” Applejack said, pulling the tarp of the smallest object. One of the legume-based banes of Sunset's existence was sticking up in the center of a leather covered cushion. “So I borrowed a couple of these babies and figured out how to set it up with one of these.”

“Do I want to know why you just happened to have a sybian around your house?”

Applejack blushed again. “I... er... found it in the attic.”

“The attic.”

“Yeah.”

“Why was there a sybian in your attic?”

“It was... in with my parents stuff.”

Sunset blinked and sighed. “Moving away from THAT minefield right now.”

“Anywho,” Applejack hurriedly continued. “I showed some photos to Twilight and she loved it. So we're launchin' the SyBeanis – “

“The what?” Sunset's flat voice was back.

“The SyBeanis. Twi came up with the name.”

“Of course she did. Continue.”

“We're hopin' to launch it after this whole Tofussy mess is sorted out. But Twi liked the SyBeanis so much, she asked me if'n I had any more ideas. I thought about it and came up with this!”

She yanked the tarp off the next item with a flourish, revealing an odd... contraption was the only word Sunset could think of to describe it. A vaguely chair-like object composed of a series of chrome pipes were welded together at odd angles and several pullies and cables could be seen. The cables all ultimately connected to the seat of the chair, where another beanis protruded up from it. There was a lever next to the seat, which Applejack yanked, causing the seat to elevate.

“So basically,” she began. “You get yourself situated and use the lever to... um...”

“Stimulate yourself?” Sunset supplied.

“Yeah, that. Anyway, I showed this to Twilight and she liked it. But I looked at it and figured, chrome's good and all, but kinda impersonal, so I thought about it and redesigned!”

Applejack grabbed the last tarp and pulled, revealing another contraption. This one, however, was made of wood and seemed less haphazard than the chrome one. The lumber was sanded smooth and the seat was slightly reclined so the occupant rested at an angle. There were a pair of metal rails underneath the seat. Padded rests for the legs extended out in a V-shape. The beanis itself, rather than being attached to the seat, was instead secured horizontally to a block that sat between the legs of the V.

Applejack got into the seat, and rested her legs, causing the hem of her bathrobe to fall open, revealing her taut legs. Sunset blushed as she got a quick glance of thigh, before Applejack fixed the hem. The farm girl reached down and grabbed another metal lever.

“So, I figured movin' the seat with your arm would get tirin' after a while, so I put a ratchet on this.”

She ratcheted the handle a few times, causing the beanis to move forward a few inches. “Once you got it where you want, you pull out the pin that keeps the chair in place – “ She did so, and let her knees bend. The seat slid forward. Applejack rested her feet on two blocks on either side of the mechanism that moved the beanis and pushed off, rocking back and forth.

“ – And you go to town!” She grinned at Sunset. “And the great thing is, you can put whatever model of beanis you want on there. The regular one, the homework one, or even the vibratin' one!”

“Auto-Stimulating Beanis,” Sunset automatically corrected. Then she realized what she said and smacked herself in the face. “Now I'm doing it! Never mind, I think I get the idea.”

“The basics maybe, but here's where it gets cool.” Applejack gestured to the whole apparatus. “This is only the prototype. I figure, put on some nice upholstery on the seat and leg rests, and a nice coat of varnish on the wood and we could open a whole new line of beanis related furniture! Still need a catchy name for this thing though. I thought of 'the Love Seat,' but Twi said it'd be off-brand. Still haven't figured out as good a name as SyBeanis, though.”

“Oh, my god.” Sunset began rubbing her eyes. “It's too early in the morning for this.”

“Well, like I said, I wasn't expectin' to find you here.”

Sunset sighed. “And Twilight's paying you for this.”

“Well, I tried to tell her I didn't mind helpin' out, but she insisted I had to be paid to keep the taxes in order.”

“And since you don't actually work for Beanis, Inc, whoever's been stealing Twilight's designs can't steal yours.”

“Yep,” Applejack said. “Which is probably why you didn't know I was involved in all this. Twilight asked me to keep all this under wraps.”

The two girls looked at each other for a minute before Applejack cleared her throat.

“To be honest with you, this one ain't quite finished yet. I was about to do some endurance tests. See how well the wood supports weight and motion... y'know?”

Sunset blinked and turned bright red. “Oh... right. Yeah. I'm gone.”

“Unless you wanted to try it out yourself.”

“NO! No, thank you! I'm just just gonna shower and go. Thanks. Bye.”

Sunset turned and gathered up her backpack and sleeping bag. Applejack shrugged and began undoing the belt of her robe.

“You don't know what you're missin', sugarcube.”

“Probably not!” Sunset said a little too loudly. “But, y'know, gotta go study! Big test on Monday! Big test!”

Sunset quickly made her way to the door, turning red as Applejack began making moans and sighs as she put her latest creation through its paces. Sunset quickly closed the door behind her and ran a hand down her face.

“'They can teach you,' she said. 'Friendship is the best,' she said. Didn't see this coming, did you, Princess?”

A loud rebel yell echoed through the barn behind her, causing Sunset to jump. She swallowed and tried to drive the images in her brain out as she rushed to the house to clean her body. Sadly, she was pretty sure no amount of scouring would be able to wash what she had just seen from her mind.

Author's Note

So after reading this madness, I noticed there was a distinct lack of Applejack in these stories. There's also very little Rarity, but she's at least been mentioned a couple of times.

So I decided to rectify the situation.

I regret everything.

Note: This story is non-canonical to the Beanis Cinematic Universe.