Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Beanis

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Slice of Life, Flash Sentry, Sunset Shimmer, Applejack (EqG), Equestria Girls, Sex
Length: 2786

Wherein Sunset seeks a sympathetic ear whose life doesn't yet revolve around unspeakable applications of refried beans.

Sunset Shimmer's life has taken turn for the odd lately. Well, not odd. Odd isn't nearly a strong enough word for the utter batshit insanity that has consumed her every waking moment.

Thankfully, said madness hasn't quite spread to all of her friends yet. Though that may not be true by the end of the night.

Part of the Beanis Cinematic Universe. (Possibly Ant-Man or one of the TV series.) Rated Teen; the titular items are never put to use. That said, this is a largely M-rated worldline. Please bean responsibly.

Published 2018-05-30 11:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-05-30 11:40:06 UTC

A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Fiber Intake

Sunset took a long pull from the bottle. Flash couldn't help but watch, keenly aware of every drop of condensation rolling down the glass, every motion of the girl's throat. Just because they'd broken up didn't make her any less attractive.

Sunset released it with a gasp. "I needed that."

"I can tell. You want to talk, or did you just want a drinking buddy?"

"I'll take either right now." She nodded at the bartender. "But first of all, I'm going to need another of these."

Applejack quirked an eyebrow. "Y' do know this ain't hard cider, right?"

"You're the one who built a bar in the greenhouse." Sunset gestured at the rows of genetically engineered bean plants growing—and occasionally writhing—around and behind the counter. With the sun down, the rooftop skylight of Beanis Inc. had become a mirror where one could look up and see oneself questioning one's life choices.

Three ones took a moment to do just that.

Applejack shook off the ennui first and produced another bottle of fizzy cider from under the counter. "I'm just makin' sure you don't go foolin' yerself into thinkin' yer drunk when you ain't."

"Trust me, AJ, I am all too aware of how sober I am." Sunset twisted the cap off of her new bottle like it had personally offended her. "After Fiji, I have a lot of data on the subject."

Flash gulped and focused on the mildly saner looking girl. "So. Applejack. Sure is a nice place."

Applejack shrugged. "I guess. Aside from the bean dicks."

"Aside from the... yeah. Those." Flash swallowed against resurgent cider. "Wasn't going to... yeah."

"Flash, I made it very clear where we'd be going," said Sunset. "You saw The Couch."

"Are you ever going to explain why you say that like there's a capital letter?"

"My point is that we are well past the point of reasonable squeamishness."

Flash squirmed. "How about unreasonable squeamishness?"

Sunset gritted her teeth. "My point is that you clearly know what goes on here."

"It's kind of hard not to. I mean, the place is literally called Beanis Incorporated. And..." Flash rubbed the back of his head. "Well, Fluttershy's been handing out flyers around town."

Sunset paled, her eyes flitting about as she thought. "Oh Celestia, the print shop invoices. I forgot about them in all the other stupidity." Applejack nudged a glass jar on the bar. Sunset put a dollar in without even looking or breaking her horrified expression. "What kind of fliers are we talking about?"

"Maybe you should see for yourself." Flash pulled one out of a back pocket and unfolded it. "I was going to throw it out, or maybe burn it, but I figured you should see it. Didn't seem like the sort of thing that would happen if you knew about it."

Sunset gulped as she took the flyer. Her expression twisted into a confused frown as she took it in. "This is for the animal shelter."

"It's double-sided."

"Oh." Sunset flipped it around. "Oh." She placed it on the bar, very carefully making sure it was shelter-side up. "Oh."

Flash nodded. "Yeah, with the photos—"

"I know," Sunset said, not shocked, just weary. "I saw."

Applejack picked up the flyer like a used tissue and glanced at the other side. She rolled her eyes, crumpled it up, and dropped it a wastebasket behind the bar.

"Suffice to say," Flash said sufficiently, "I'm pretty sure everyone in the city knows about these things."

Sunset heaved a deep sigh and finished off her latest bottle of cider. "See, this is the kind of crap I have to put up with on an almost constant basis. I can't trust anyone here to behave with any kind of rationality."

Applejack quirked an eyebrow. "I'm right here, you know."

Sunset fixed her glare on the other girl. "You didn't stop any of it."

That got a shrug. "Tryin' not to get too involved."

Which, in turn, got a grudging nod. "Understandable. Still, while I was on vacation, everyone else showed all the fiscal responsibility of a four-year-old with a mobile game and Mommy's credit card." Sunset turned her focus back on Flash. "And that's what I am. I'm the mom. I'm the one responsible adult in a company full of naive children and horny teenagers." She groaned and brought her head down on the bar. "This must be how Celestia feels."

"The principal or the sun god horse?" said Applejack.

"Yes," came the muffled reply.

Flash sighed. "I hate to see you like this, Sunset."

"I hate to see me like this."

"I wish I could help, but I'm not really sure how."

She smiled as she dragged herself back upright. "Just having you here is helping a lot. Sometimes I just need a sympathetic ear."

Applejack crossed her arms, though a hint of a smirk crossed her lips. "So what's that make me?"

Sunset returned the smirk and threw in a sidelong glance. "Someone who's building better Beanis material from the genetic level."

"Fair point."

Flash scratched his head. "I mean, is it really that much weirder than everything you guys have done since the Fall Formal?"

Both girls stared at him for a moment. "Seriously?" said Sunset. "Twilight's working on a lactose-free alternative to our usual dildo fluid. How is that not weirder than literally anything that has ever happened?"

He shrugged. "I'm talking to a unicorn from another dimension. Bean dicks, even magical ones, don't really compare."

After a deep breath, Sunset said, "Flash, do you know how many times someone has come from the future to prevent the invention of the Beanis?"

"I get the feeling you're going to tell me."

"More than zero. That trumps any and all previous magical adventures I might have had."

"Okay, yeah, I get where you're coming from," said Flash. "I really wish I could've been here for you sooner, but it's not like I've gotten to see a lot of you guys lately. It's hard to be there for you when you're not there."

Applejack shrugged. "This is our job, Flash."

Sunset beamed and bolted up off of her barstool. "That's it!"

Applejack and Flash shared confused looks. "Uh, what is?" said Flash.

"What if it were his job too?"

After another round of mirrored befuddlement, the others both said, "What?"

Sunset began to pace. "At the moment, our security team consists of a product tester and a bunch of scarecrows on Roombas, and we know how well they worked the last time the building got attacked by a crazed mob."

"I worked hard on those scarecrows," grumbled Applejack.

"The point is that right now, we don't have anyone with a brain fully dedicated to physical security. We're not exactly in the best part of town, and even when we aren't facing down ravening hordes, we should probably keep those cultists from actually touching The Couch."

"What happens if we don't?" Flash only noticed his use of "we" after the fact.

"I don't know, but I have no doubt it'll be really fucking stupid." Another dollar went in the jar.

"O... kay... So why put me on security detail of all things?"

"Two reasons." Sunset wasn't pacing anymore, but she was bouncing on her feet. Flash couldn't help but think of their dating days, when she'd use him as a soundboard for her plans to escape and/or conquer this benighted world of techno-barbaric ape-people.

To her credit, those discussions had led to some amazing song lyrics.

Sunset's next sentence shook Flash out of his nostalgia. "First off, do you remember that time Wallflower stole your memories?"

He crossed his arms. "You know my point about relative weirdness? You're kind of proving it right now."

"Right, stupid question." Sunset shot a glare at Applejack before the other girl could tap the Stupid Jar again. "And this doesn't count. I'm talking about my own stupidity." Turning back to Flash, she said, "Anyway, while I was researching what could've done that in Equestria, I ran into your counterpart. He's a Royal Guard. What if that's a sign?"

Flash tilted his head. "So just because horse-me guards stuff, you think I should?"

"Can we even afford another employee, Miss Head o' Accountin'?" said Applejack.

Sunset waved that off. "I can shuffle the numbers. Besides, like I said, that's not the only reason."

"Isn't this just going to drag me into the madness?" said Flash.

Sunset beamed. "Exactly what I was going to say next. You don't have to deal with whatever nonsense we're doing in here. You just have to keep any external stupidity away from it." Dollar in jar.

"As much as anyone can," said Applejack, rolling her eyes.

Sunset nodded. "True. Still, you won't be involved in product testing, marketing, R&B—"

"I mean, it's not my usual genre, but—"

Sunset held up a hand. "Not that kind of R&B. Don't ask."

"Just so you know," said Applejack, "Twilight will use you as a soundin' board. She's been tryin' t' get more input from th' male demographic."

"Oh. A Twilight Sparkle will be asking about my taste in sex toys." Flash felt himself die a little inside. Somehow, he knew that would be far from the last time he felt that happen. "That won't be awkward."

Sunset clapped him on the shoulder. "Between the two of us, we might be able to convince her to shelve her crazier ideas. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the technology does have some genuinely good applications. Tempest has a whole prosthetic leg made of beans." She narrowed her eyes. "Not a third one."

"I wasn't going to say anything," said Flash.

"Sorry. Work with Rainbow Dash long enough and you start cutting off double entendres out of habit." Sunset sighed. "The hardest part of this will probably be convincing Twilight that not every bean-based product has to secrete dairy. What do you say?"

Flash sucked in a breath. "Well..."

A tinny rendition of a Rainbooms track started playing in Sunset's jacket. She fished out her phone, checked the screen, and visibly paled. "Oh crap, it's Twilight. I have to take this."

"Wait." Flash looked her right in the eyes, marshaling his expression to be as serious as possible. "Put it on speaker. I want to get an idea of what I'll be dealing with."

"Well..." Sunset bit her lip, laid her phone on the bar, and took the call. "Hey, Twilight."

"Sunset, I just had the best idea!" cried the painfully familiar voice on the other end.

"Do tell," Sunset deadpanned.

"Okay, you know that one video game peripheral that's basically seventy dollars for a bunch of cardboard?"

"Please tell me you're not about to suggest Beanises that interact with game consoles somehow." After a sizeable pause, Sunset said, "Twilight?"

"Sorry! Just wanted to write that one down. Definitely some intriguing ideas there; it's a shame we're past the peak of motion control. No, I was going in the opposite direction: Cardboard peripherals for the Beanis! Especially the one that uses vibration to turn it into a sort of RC car."

Sunset shuddered. "Twilight, I really have to object to people building cardboard exoskeletons for their Beanises."

"Are you sure?" Twilight said, sounding for all the world like a little girl who just learned she wouldn't be getting a puppy.

"Entirely."

"Well, if you insist." Flash and Sunset both relaxed for a moment.

A moment that ended when Twilight kept talking. "I mean, using bean-derived plastics instead will cut out supplier costs, but anything we save will be more than lost in manufacturing them in the first place. How about I show you some prototypes tomorrow? Something like this needs to be seen in action to be properly appreciated."

Applejack leaned on the bar. "Fair warnin', this is the kinda thing Sunset wants you dealin' with."

"Was that Applejack?" said Twilight.

Sunset shot Applejack a glare before saying, "We're discussing a potential new security hire to ease the load on Tempest."

"Oh! Great idea. I was going to ask Rainbow Dash for suggestions, but she seems better suited for recruiting for product testing. Who did you have in mind?"

"Uh, hi, Twilight," said Flash.

After a few silent seconds, Twilight said, "I'm terribly sorry, you sound familiar, but the name escapes me."

"Uh, Flash?" After a few moments, he added, "Flash Sentry?"

"No, sorry, still not ringing any bells. But if Sunset vouches for you, that's good enough for me!"

"Great..." Flash sighed. It was fine. Wouldn't be the first time he had to sweep what was left of his ego into a dustpan.

"So, I'll get those prototypes to you tomorrow, and then we can start workshopping names. Though you might be onto something with the exoskeleton angle. Exo-Beanis has a certain charm to it, don't you think?"

"We can talk about it tomorrow, Twilight. Good night." Sunset ended the call and shook her head. "Her heart's in the right place, really."

"I'm in."

Sunset blinked. "You sure?"

Flash nodded. "Anything that keeps her from building some killer beanbot army by accident. Or on purpose."

"Huh. Okay then." Sunset held out her hand. As Flash shook it, she said, "Welcome aboard, Flash. Between the three of us, we might just manage that."

Flash's first day opened with the front door glowing a few minutes after he arrived. This barely registered on even his personal weirdness scale.

Twilight teetered as she entered the building, trying to balance a tower of cardboard and processed legumes. Flash rushed to her side and took some of the stack as gingerly as she could. She gave him a painfully familiar smile. "Thanks. And welcome aboard, Splash."

"Flash," said Flash. The stabbing pain in his heart also barely registered.

"Right. Sorry. Set these down, please?" Once they put the pile of assorted... things on the front desk, Twilight rooted through them. "Now I know you're not technically on the product testing team, but I thought this was the perfect opportunity to give one of the more experimental designs a trial run." She turned and held out a bright red Beanis.

"Uh..." Flash just stared at it for a few moments as he tried to think of a response. "No thank you?"

"Oh!" Twilight giggled a little. For a moment, Flash could imagine she was the other Twilight. Then she kept talking. "No, I don't expect you to use it at work. Well, not in the sense you're probably thinking of. This is a Self-Defense Datanis. Not only does the e-Jaculate have a Scoville rating comparable to pepper spray, it's also loaded with plentiful data on decomposition and parasitology. Our focus groups conclude that those are suitably distasteful to most people to work as viable distractions."

"Focus groups?"

"Well..." Twilight curled a length of hair in a finger. "Mostly me asking Sunset what she thinks."

Flash found his gaze drawn inexorably back to the... SDD. That seemed like the safest way to think of the object. "So that thing is basically a penis full of mace that makes people see rotting corpses?"

"And Cordyceps fungus, leeches, Leucochloridium paradoxum..." Twilight pointed the SDD in a different direction with every item, as though pointing at different parts of a thankfully invisible chalkboard. "Parasitology really is a fascinating field, but a lot of people seem more disgusted by it than anything."

"Can't imagine why," Flash deadpanned.

"I know! Some people." Twilight shook her head, then left the SDD on the front desk. "Still, in the event you need to fend someone off, I'd really appreciate it if you could use the SDD. Especially since this e-Jaculate formula is designed to interact with any mucous membrane." After a moment, Twilight added, "You might want to wear gloves when you use it."

"I did get a stun gun."

"Please?" Twilight folded her hands under her chin and gave the biggest puppy dog eyes she could muster.

Something wormed its way out of Flash's memory. "You have an older brother, don't you?"

Twilight coughed and looked away. "I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"Just figuring out who you practiced on." He gave his best roguish wink and held the... SDD in three fingers. It pulsed slightly, and Flash smelled jalapeños. "If it's my best option, I'll use it." Major emphasis on the "if."

Twilight beamed. "I really appreciate it. Be sure to tell me how well it works." With that, she went deeper into Beanis Inc., the piles of plant matter following behind in her magic.

Flash sighed. "I have made a terrible mistake."

The SDD pulsed again, as if in agreement.