'No Females Allowed'

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, Applejack
Length: 5601

The sign by the tent which had mysteriously sprung up overnight seemed obvious enough, but Twilight couldn't help but be curious. Besides, she really needed it to move on. That's why she asked Spike to investigate... and here our story begins.

The sign by the tent which had mysteriously sprung up overnight seemed obvious enough, but Twilight couldn't help but be curious. Besides, she really needed it to move on. That's why she asked Spike to investigate... and here our story begins.

It's not what you think. Or, it may be exactly what you think. Hmm...

Published 2018-07-29 04:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-30 19:49:45 UTC

Prologue

As the omnipotent sun rose lazily over the charming (though, more often than not, in peril of complete destruction) little hamlet known as 'Ponyville', it cast a long shadow on all the familiar shops and domiciliaries in the area. Nothing much ever changed around here, but most citizens enjoyed that comfortable feeling of familiarity from getting up in the morning and seeing the predictable sights and sounds of home.

For example, there's Sugarcube Corner, full of all the tooth-rotting goodness you'd expect from a business with such a 'sweet' name. Rowdy children, unconcerned with their future dental health, often frequented the locale after school was out along with their elder relations, although business had been down somewhat of late. Reports that the recent drop in sales was directly related to a bizarre 'musical' cacophony emitting from the uppermost floor could not be verified at this precise time, but investigators are currently hard at work trying to decipher the riddle... all whilst protected by fluffy earmuffs, of course.

And look! There's Mayor Mare's office, with the veteran politician herself currently hard at work inside dying her man... er, I mean, making the town of which she's so proud a better place. Voters who say they never see her on patrol when there's major crises or even mild disturbances miss the point entirely, for they haven't a clue about the rigours of filing paperwork, spinning around in a chair on wheels or trying to flirt with aides more than half your age. Plus, nopony else has ever tried running against her, so I'd like to see you do better... huh? What do you mean they have? In 'the comics', you say?! Come now, be serious! Let's move on, shall we?

...Well! I don't think I've ever seen this particular flimsy structure before. A tiny insignificant green tent, set up on the outskirts of the square, a mere footnote compared to the colossal buildings that surround it. A solitary bluish young mare with a clipboard stands by the entrance, and as the local residents arise from their nightly slumber to yawn profusely and peek through their curtains, the new arrival begins to get some attention.

One such curious overseer was everypony's favourite Princess (in a recent syndicated survey, much to a certain fuming cake-eater's chagrin) Twilight Sparkle, accompanied as she ever was by her loyal dogsbody, Spike the dragon. They're out and about at the crack of dawn to check the general area where the annual Bring And Buy booksale will be held later that day, when they stumble across the small canvas construction. Immediately glancing at each other with a look of utter confusion, it is the flustered alicorn who speaks first. And boy, is she not a happy horsy. Let's listen in, shall we?

"Hang on just a minute... this was supposed to be the designated spot for my stall." Twilight growled in irritation, as a stamped forehoof caused a slight cloud of dust to appear. "By my own peerless research, it's absolutely perfect. The highest level of visibility, the biggest concentration of dwellings, the closest to my castle so it shouldn't be much trouble when you, I-I mean we lug all the valuable tomes down here... this has to be some kind of mistake! Spike, take a message: 'Dear Celestia, I know you haven't been speaking to me much since the results of that meaningless popularity contest were leaked, but this outrage requires urgent, decisive action, of which only you are capable of...' "

"Uh huh." Spike said dutifully in a monotone voice, as he began mentally preparing for his next appointment with his masseur already. "...Or alternatively, you could just save us both a lot of time and energy by talking to the proprietor directly. If you took a bit of time off from being stressed, you'd see she's standing right over there. Worth a go, maybe?"

"O-Oh, u-um..." Twilight's lavender cheeks blushed crimson momentarily, as she realised her reptilian helper had a point. "See, this is why I drag you along wherever I travel, Spike! You're always coming up with these uncomplicated suggestions I wouldn't think of in a thousand moons, being as how I always analyse everything to the ninth degree! Where would I be without my most trusted assistant? Probably still eking out my days in Canterlot, surrounded by books I'd already read and my usual tiny circle of friends. Now, I'm loved by millions just like that incontrovertible survey said and live in a swanky glittering palace, and I owe some of it at least to you! How can I ever repay your fealty?"

"By adding a couple of zeroes to my pittance of a monthly salary, perchance?" Spike was bravely heard to mumble, whilst keeping eyeline firmly trained on the ground.

"What was that just muttered in my general direction?" Twilight postponed her mini-tantrum long enough to gaze at the penniless dragon suspiciously.

"N-Nothing! Nothing at all, Twi!" Spike quickly broke out of Fantasyland to resume his usual servile demeanour.

"Good! I don't need to lecture you yet again on 'friendship being it's own reward' now, do I?" Twilight shook her head in exasperation at her 'greedy' employee, before turning her thoughts once more to the matter at hoof. "Regardless, it's about time we got to the bottom of this! Follow my lead Spike, and we'll put this interloper straight on the way things work in these parts!"

"C-Coming!" Spike almost tripped over his own tail as he rushed to keep pace with the irate alicorn, and she quickly sidled up to the bluish mare to confront her head-on.

"Hey, you!" Twilight addressed the loitering female equine in an irritable manner. "Do you have permission to be here? You can't just erect this thing overnight, and expect to stay without the proper..."

The uninterested blue mare, who now Twilight had gotten a closer look seemed to have an oddly written 'MEH' cutie mark, simply held up an official-looking piece of paper in response to the alicorn's threat, upon which was printed something in italicised letters.

"And what exactly is this supposed to be?" Twilight initially scoffed at the blue mare's offering, before she took the chance to study it in a bit more detail. "W-What?! I-I can't believe it! How is this even possible?! This is a... bona fide official permit all the way from Canterlot?"

"Valid for the next twenty-four hours, yea." The now bubblegum-chewing mare spoke to Twilight in a thick Fillydelphia accent, before pulling the document away. "Some bigshot old lady gave it to us. Said her name was 'Celia', or something. Very large and white, blowy mane, wings and horns combo just like youse. We didn't even have to negotiate, my boss just mentioned where and when we wanted to pitch up before Celia made it all legal, like. Was much easier than we thought it'd be. Kinda strange actually, but who cares?"

"Y-You couldn't possibly to talking about, 'C-Celestia'? M-My Celestia?!" Twilight's eyes opened as wide as dinner plates, as the apparent scale of her former mentor's petty vengefulness at her for finishing in first position in that 'pointless popularity contest' was laid bare.

"Yea, 'Celestia', that's the gal's name. Pretty nice all in all for an upperclass dame, but that deep-throated laugh she gave as she put her John Hancock onto the paper was sorta weird." The blue mare shrugged her shoulders, before innocuously popping a bubble right next to Twilight's rapidly twitching form. "Speaking of names, mine's Blue Chew by the way. On account of my colouring, and the fact I like to chew things I guess. Never gave it much thought. Anyways, who might you be, and why all the fuss over whether we's on the level?"

"W-What? You don't recognise me?" If the shock of Celestia's silly reprisal against her wasn't enough for the perturbed alicorn to get to grips with, the fact that Blue Chew didn't seem to know who she was further added to her incredulous mood. "I-I'm Twilight Sparkle. You know, Princess Of Friendship? Element Of Magic? Saved the world a bunch of times?! I am pretty well known around these parts, without sounding boastful..."

"Nope. Can't say youse face rings a bell." Blue Chew explained rather bluntly, as she went to shove another stick of gum in her mouth. "I never take much interest in the affairs of the monarchy. It don't sit right with me anyhow, that they get their butts wiped for them while the rest of us proles have to scrimp and save just to get by. I mean, check out my situation: Forced to take this demeaning minimum wage job just so's I can move out of my parent's loft and into my own nest. The day the higher-ups have the silver spoons knocked out of their privileged cakeholes so the socialist revolution can begin anew can't come soon enough, as far as I'm concerned."

"N-Now listen here, you. The last time anypony wiped my... wait, what am I saying?! Grrrr!!" Twilight was about to blow her top (quite literally, as white energy was beginning to pulsate off the top of her horn) at the dismissive underachiever, before a sweaty Spike swiftly interrupted and perhaps save Blue Chew a one way ticket to the moon for her trouble.

"E-Er... Twilight. Have you forgotten why we wandered over here in the first place?" Spike was determined to keep up his reputation as an efficient peacekeeper. "Something to do with nicely asking these good ponies if they could move their tent just a few inches this way? You say you'd be 'eternally grateful, and forever in their debt' if they could do you this one small favour? Right?!"

Twilight glanced at the pleading dragon as if he were mad, before the cogs and gears began to slide into place. "Oh? Oh! Yes, that's exactly why I came over here! Well remembered, Spike! So how about it, then? If you could find it in your heart to relocate this stall a scooch to the left there, I'd be much obliged! And as you may not know, winning the favour of a royal is not something to be sniffed at..."

"Ain't got nothing to do with me." Blue Chew quickly dismissed the notion she could make this kind of decision alone. "Youse gonna to have to talk to the boss about that. I just sit here and takes the money, as well as make sure the queue don't get too rowdy along the way. She's inside right now, getting things set up."

"Fine, fine..." Twilight grimaced in annoyance, as she went to push past Blue Chew without a second thought. "Guess I'll have to ask her myself, then."

"Whoa lady, cool your hooves! Are you trying to get me fired?" Displaying more emotion in that one moment than the entire time they'd been talking before, Blue Chew jumped up suddenly to block Twilight's path through the front flap of the tent. "Can't you read the sign? It applies to everyone, no matter what your species or rank. No exceptions, I'm afraid. Apart from the boss, course."

"What sign? I don't see any..." Twilight initially denied all knowledge of such a thing, until she saw the wooden apparatus Blue Chew had been leaning against previously. "Wait. What do you mean 'No Females Allowed'?!"

"Exactly how it's written there, in big red caps." Blue Chew answered with a pronounced frown, as she realised in her haste to prevent Twilight from entering she'd accidentally swallowed her gum. "So, if you want to see the boss about your proposal, youse have to wait until the end of the day, cos she ain't budging an inch. I can tell youse that for free."

"B-But, the book festival will be over and done by then, so they'll be no point!" Twilight wailed incessantly, as her plans were rapidly coming undone at the seams. "It's not fair! That's so discriminatory! Oh Spike, what are we to..."

At this point, Spike was predictably opening his jaws to illuminate the world with yet another of his patented sarcastic sayings, but for a change Twilight wasn't listening. You see, a most fantastical scheme had popped into her noggin, as simple as it was brilliant, as clever as it was cunning, as ruthless as it was efficient...

...And with a loyal dragon's 'willing' participation, everything was about to come into fruition.

Author's Note

Unlike my other chapter stories, this one is already mostly finished, so updates should be pretty fast. I know this, because I've been writing all week, natch. :rainbowdetermined2:

Also, please forgive my lamentable attempt at the accent. It is entirely based on my regular consumption of American media, so if it's a little too on the nose I can only apologise profusely. The only thing thing I'll say in my defence is: I've seen it done a lot worse. :raritywink:

Anyway, more soon. Ciao!

Chapter 1: Spike Takes Some Convincing (But Not Much)

"...I'll polish your scales tonight using the special lotion, if you do it!"

"No, I can handle that all by myself Twilight, thank you very much. These fearsome claws of mine aren't just for removing irritating scratches and poking ponies with no boundary skills in the eye, you know. Not that I'm implying anything when I mention that... "

"H-How about I cook you up a Gem Surprise for dinner then, instead? My treat!"

"Twilight, you know perfectly well that a 'Gem Surprise' is just a heap of gems with more gems on top! And while that would sound sort of tempting under normal circumstances, there's been such a bumper harvest of jewels underground this year that the Diamond Dogs have been throwing them in their thousands into the local garbage dump, just so they can create enough living space! I found this out for myself when you told me to dispose of all those embarrassing pictures of you at Magic Kindergarten. You know, like the one where you created a spring of water under your hindquarters, and everypony thought you'd peed yoursel..."

"Shh. quiet down, Spike! I have a reputation to uphold in these parts, remember? Beating Celestia as the most Popular Princess in a survey of one-hundred random serfs is no small feat, and I don't want her to know that I know that it means a great deal to me, and instead I want her to know that I don't know that fact, so when she gets jealous of my amazing accomplishment she won't know that I know that she's being all bitter and twisted and completely unreasonable..."

"E-Erm... what were we discussing again, Twi? I fear we've gone off-track somewhat... also, why do I have a sudden pounding headache? Why is your tongue in knots? And why are we whispering like a pair of co-conspirators behind this tent? Nopony can hear us, and Blue Chew is still recovering from her choking fit a moment ago when she accidentally swallowed the gum in her mouth. So, I think we're safely in the clear. 'Yay'."

"Don't get smart with me, Spike, I just don't want to take any chances. Anyway, to refresh your negligent memory, what I require from you is simplicity itself. You will casually amble over to the front of the tent, bluff your way inside and see what this big mystery is that's so great mares aren't allowed to witness it. I mean seriously, where do those two carnies think they're getting off, restricting one gender from attending their dumb attraction? I'm sure it's nothing to get excited about. This is all just a shameless publicity stunt, I'd wager..."

"Well Twilight, considering the size of the crowd that's beginning to gather, I'd say it was a pretty darn effective one! Don't underestimate the appeal of an enigmatic production, particularly one that's aimed squarely at half the population here that occasionally feels undervalued in this matriarchal society we live in!"

"Spike! I-I had no idea you had such strong opinions about this issue. Don't become another political rabble-rouser like that intolerable Blue Chew, please. Maybe it's something we can bring up on our next 'group session' together. You know I love Starlight, but one does tire sometimes hearing the same old tales from her 'tragic' youth as a filly. As sad as it was, I could never quite understand how losing a friend could almost cause worldwide armageddon. Anyway, seeing as you seem moderately excited at the prospect of witnessing this secretive display yourself, why are you so reluctant to do me this one job, and hold out on my brazen attempts at bribery?"

"Because Twi, I want to do it on my own terms, and in my own time. Not that I get too much of that these days, but it would be nice to actually make a choice for myself which doesn't involve 'taking orders' or 'courageous self-sacrifice' for a change. Just kick back, hang loose and empty your mind of all needless distractions. You know what I mean?"

"Not really Spike, for you see when you become a Princess you have to accept certain 'responsibilities' that come with your new prestigious title, and that usually means giving up all pretences of having a social life. Don't you see me in my private study, day after day, night after night, poring over countless books for the betterment of everypony? I could be out enjoying the fresh air with my friends, but instead I've consigned myself to being a recluse because of the off chance my esteemed knowledge might save us all from annihilation one day. Do you see now why I'm asking you to do this small favour, Spike? Not for me, not for you, but for the greater good."

"U-Uh Twi, that was a very moving speech, but can I just make a couple of personal observations? The first is that the mare you describe there sounds very much like the pony I knew long before she even got her royal title. Secondly, I don't really sense the parallel between finding out what's in a derelict tent and putting one's life on the line for your country. A slightly over-exaggerated comparison, perhaps? Not that it's too unusual, by your standards."

"...Nuts. Manipulation didn't seem to work, either. Very well Spike, you can have the rest of the day off. I'll even complete the rest of the preparations for the book sale myself, seeing as you're only going to be a liability moaning the entire time about that recurrent lumbago of yours playing up."

"Now, why didn't you just say that in the first place, Twi? We could've skipped this entire chapte... I mean, conversation and sorted all this out much sooner! Now, how about some spending money to go along with this new 'positive' attitude of yours?"

"...Don't push it Spike, I'm not in the mood. So, are we in agreement, then? You head into the tent now, regale the details to me when you're done, then I'll use the information as leverage when it comes to forcing our competitors here to relocate to a more inconvenient location. After all, nopony is going to want to go inside there later if we spoil the surprise first! Bwhahahaha..."

"...Okkaay then. I'm just going to walk in this direction now, to find out what all the fuss is about. Why don't you head back to the castle for a while, and have a bit of a lie down? Maybe take some of those tablets the doctor prescribed for you, the ones designed to help with your occasional neurotic spells?"

"W-What do you mean, Spikey-Wikey? I couldn't be feeling better! I mean, it's not everyday a certified Princess gets told what to do by a wretched university dropout and her book stall placement-stealing accomplice! This is such a useful humbling experience for me! I should be grateful to them! And to show my appreciation, I'm going to blackmail their miserable selves into the middle of next week. Well, ciao! Don't be a stranger! I mean that, by the way. Return to me the very second you discover their cherished secrets, so their ruination can begin. This is Twilight Sparkle, over and out!"

Spike watched the slightly twitching form of his dearest friend and occasional overlord briskly trot off into the distance, taking this 'affront' to her book trading potential way too seriously, even for her. Nopony can turn a minor snag into a full-blown panic like my Twi he noted, before daring to approach the front flap of the tent once more.

Fortunately, Blue Chew had apparently recovered from the worst effects of her near-suffocation earlier, although her purplish tongue (coloured by her favourite gum) still stuck out in exhaustion and there were gasping wheezes evident on her breath.

"One for the 'tent thing', if you'd be so kind." Spike grinned blithely at the unsuspecting blue mare in front of him as he handed over his bits, as if that were the name of the attraction.

"Hmm..." Blue Chew seemed to consider the drake's request for a moment, before responding with a question of her own. "How old are youse supposed to be, anyway?"

"W-What?!" Spike almost lost his composure there and then, but regained it by digging his sharp nails into his palms. "W-Why, I'm practically an adult! I'm just a late bloomer size-wise, that's all! Would a mere kid have wings this awesome?!"

"Well..." Blue Chew took a moment to carefully examine Spike's new appendages in some detail at full stretch. "I guess not. And they are kinda cool. Alright, I'll let youse off showing me ID this time, simply because youse have an honest face. In you go, then. And, enjoy."

Spike couldn't help but feel slightly guilty at telling such an outright lie, as he'd barely just entered puberty, let alone been through the 'wonders' of adulthood. His voice hadn't even changed yet to a frightening tremor, for starters (it WAS going to happen someday, whatever anyone else said).

But it was too late to back out now, so he swiftly ducked under Blue Chew's forehoof which held the tent flap open, bracing himself to see the mystical magic that lay behind the curtain...

It wasn't quite what he expected.

At all.

A glowing lantern dimly lighting up the gloom...

The pungent aroma of burning incense in the air...

A single wooden chair with four (count them) legs...

And a pony so cloistered in their pitch black cloak, it was impossible to tell if they were a stallion or mare.

Fortunately, the crackly voice that emanated from the depths of their heavy clothing soon gave the game away.

"Welcome young one, to the most unforgettable journey you'll ever embark upon. Take a seat, and we can begin the adventure that will change your life forever. I am Madame Pleasure, and for the next ten minutes you're all mine to do with as I see fit. Get ready to experience highs and lows you never imagined in your wildest dreams, and in return I only ask for one thing: what happens in the Pleasure Pavilion, stays in the Pleasure Pavilion. Now, shall we get started?"

Author's Note

Next chapter is up, and the mystery deepens. What is in store for our impressionable dragon? I know, and so shall you. Soon... :duck:

Chapter 2: Meet The New Spike, Same As The Old Spike (Except Not Really)

"Oh, what is taking Spike so long?" Twilight had already worn a nice straight groove into the formerly pristine floor of the Great Hall in her impatience for his return. "It's been nearly an hour! He was supposed to just take a quick peek inside the tent, then get out before the occupant caught onto our dastardly scheme. He better not have forgotten about our arrangement and scarpered to hang out at the comic store instead, because if he has I'll...I'll..."

Unable to think of a punishment severe enough at this stage for such a flagrant breach of duty, Twilight decided to take her anxious mind off of things temporarily by examining the huge stacks of books that lay amassed all around her, including heaped atop the Cutie Map itself. Even though she'd read each one at least a dozen times by now, she'd still miss the smell and feel of each of her treasured collection before they were levitated off to the sale so some other lucky pony could take possession of them. Still, a clear out was long overdue, and besides if everything worked out, soon they'd be replaced by shiny new volumes which she could obsess over as much as her old publications.

Tell you what, she poignantly thought to herself, her eyes scouring the mountains of literature around her that were so tall that you'd probably need a pickaxe and an extended cord of rope just to manoeuvre around them, seeing as I'm not going anywhere for now, think I'll quickly delve into one of my favourite non-fiction works, for old time's sake. Some light reading perhaps, as Spike could be back any minute. How about... The Complete Illustrated Recorded History Of Equestria, Bumper Edition? Yes, that should fit the bill quite nicely. Now, under which one of these peaks is it buried? It's always right at the bottom, isn't it? Oh well, best get digging...

Luckily, before Twilight could instigate the mother of all earthquakes right there in her central chambers, the sound of the front door being closed gently made her ears prick up, and she tentatively stepped around her masses of paper to meet Spike in the foyer.

Even as her levels of anticipation rose dramatically as to what intriguing secrets she was about to uncover, a scintilla of confusion had crept it's way into her head at what she'd just heard. That's funny... Spike is usually far more boisterous when he enters the castle, he slams the door so loud you can see each individual crystal trembling in the chandelier. No matter, I'd rather he break that habit than half the stones in my ceiling display. Now, let's see what our scaly friend has to say for himsel... "By Celestia"!

The sight that greeted the alicorn's shocked eyes upon reaching her destination almost made her have kittens, or foals if you prefer. For it was Spike standing there alright, and he was still a runty little dragon, but that's more-or-less where the resemblance between the old drake and this new character who'd just stepped in came to a screeching halt.

Dressed in the most dashing of miniature suits complete with top hat and cane, and with his spines slicked back for good measure, this dapper chappie was as far removed from his somewhat clumsy and nebbish former self as was feasibly possible. He carried a certain poise and confidence about him that was evident just by a quick glance, and the next words that left his mouth further highlighted his new persona to a slack-jawed Twilight.

"Miss Sparkle my dear, it truly is always a pleasure to see you." Spike gave a little bow, before somehow flicking his headwear so that it spun through the air to perch safely on an overhanging crystal, like a makeshift coat hanger. "Terribly sorry I was irrevocably detained, but I just had to go out and procure these new togs for myself. I can't believe I've been strolling around naked as a jaybird for all this time. How did I not get collared by the local constabulary? Still, you live and you learn, what-what. Is there any coffee left in the pot? I could really use a refreshing cuppa, care to join me? I take mine black, don't you know..."

If Changelings weren't now at harmonious peace with Ponykind (apart from the nefarious Queen Chrysalis, but surely her attempt at infiltration would be a bit less obvious than this) Twilight would've screamed blue murder and detained this 'imposter' with one simple binding enchantment from her horn.

Instead she rubbed her eyes, blinked, rubbed them again, before bombarding Spike (or this approximation of him) with a myriad of questions in an almost hysterically shrill voice. "Where did you get the bits for that suit? Where did you even buy the suit, seeing as Rarity is in Manehattan on business? Since when have you cared about being naked in public? What's with the fake posh accent? When did you start drinking coffee? Can you teach me that trick with the hat..."

"Why Miss Sparkle, please control yourself!" Spike arched an eyebrow at his employer, as if mildly embarrassed by her behaviour. "Such immature carry-ons are quite unbefitting an equine of your standing in the community, and must be actively discouraged if you are going to be a good role model for your many loyal subjects. As for your somewhat shouted queries, well I can answer the ones that matter in one pithy phrase: 'There comes a time in life when we must throw our childish things away.' This doesn't just include our physical possessions like silly juvenile comic books and hidden hoards of fattening gems, but our old mannerisms and ways, too. I've grown up and left it all behind, Miss Sparkle, it's as simple as that. Now, if there's nothing else on the agenda, I have other matters I must attend to upstairs before heading out again. Farewell for now..."

"Wait just a minute, Spike! You're not going anywhere, until I get a proper explanation for this one-hundred-and-eighty degree personality turn!" Twilight's initial surprise and worry had now become irritation and anger that her legitimate concerns were being dismissed so easily by this new unlikeable upstart, so she blinked herself in front of the retreating dragon before he could take another step forward. "It took you years of waiting just to grow a new pair of wings, and I'm expected to believe you've become a completely different person in less than an hour this very morning? Nope, not buying it. Spill the details if you please, as to what inspired this radical change and why you felt it was necessary."

Instead of answering her question directly, Spike let out a polite little snigger whilst addressing Twilight like she was a small filly who still had a lot to learn. "Princess Twilight. My dear, sweet, naive Twilight. I didn't decide on this 'change', it was just part of a perfectly natural process that happened to me this very blessed day. It's called 'growing up', and it's something I've been waiting for a long time now, an even lengthier duration than my wings. I know you loved the old Spike, but he's gone forever now, and it's about time you accepted that. Still, it's not all bad news! You have me instead, and I promise to do just as professional a job as the previous incarnation of myself, minus all the associated bumbling and disrespectful remarks. I'm sure you'll become so accustomed and reliant on the 'new' efficient adult me, you won't even miss the child that inhabited this body before! Now, I must not tarry, for I have a seminar at nine about how to micromanage my schedule more efficiently, as well as formulate letters of apology to Miss Rarity and the honourable Princess Amber for secretly lusting after them without their express consent. What a total cad I was, back in the day! Well, see you later..."

And then, aside from a brief glance at an antique pocket watch attached to a golden chain (something else he must've bought during his unexpected 'makeover') Spike wasted no further time shooting the breeze. As the stunned alicorn watched her whistling reptilian friend disappear from view at the top of the staircase, she couldn't help but wonder what could've transformed her fun-loving special little guy into this... this... pompous, pretentious, patronising jerkface.

What did he do so differently this morning from other mornings that could've scrambled his brains so badly?, she thought with some urgency, desperate to unravel the conundrum as soon as possible. He got up, stretched, yawned, admired his pecs in the mirror, took a shower, made his customary smart-alec quip about me reading at the table, before settling down to eat his 'delicious' sapphire on toast, and then we both departed for...

All at once, the probable answer came to her in a flash. Of course! I completely forgot about it after having the 'privilege' of meeting the new Spike. I asked him to take a peek inside that weird tent, then return and see me when he was done. I bet whatever it is in there has turned him into that... thing. Well, I'm not going to stand for it! I'm going to march down there right now and demand answers, even if it does mean I'll in all likelihood miss out on all the best deals at today's sale. Yes, I actually care more about my lovably annoying assistant more than I do about books. Problem? Deal with it! Okay, away I go...

And with that determined mindset, Twilight set off to show those brain-warping fiends exactly who they were messing with once and for all...

Not before locking up first, of course. After all, you can never be too careful these days, even in Ponyville.

Didn't you hear? Crime rate up 0.001% in the last year alone, so it now stands at a new all-time high of... 0.002%.

Shocking.

Author's Note

Well, this is the new chapter. Hope you liked it. Next one is coming real soon. Yep. :)