Cozy sat alone in her cold, stone cell, the light of the moon peeking in through the tiny window above her dusty bed, which itself was barely covered in torn rags. She stared ahead at the bars that stood between herself and freedom. "Y'know, the gaps between those are pretty big. I bet I could squeeze through them."
"Maybe," the guard outside said, "But then I'd just catch you again, so please don't waste my time with that. Also, I can hear you, y'know?"
Cozy crossed her forelegs and huffed. "What kind of shoddy prison is this, anyway? Where's my one phone call? Where's my harmonica?"
"You used your phone call to ask Twilight for an 'I. C. Weiner'." Cozy giggled in her cell. "And we can't give you a harmonica. Your neighbour has sensitive ears, and those high notes really make him scream."
"I mostly do it for the 'ttention!" the old station in the next cell over shouted.
Cozy Glow sighed. She thought for a few seconds, and then clicked her tongue. And then clicked it again, and again.
click click click click-
"I would prefer that to stop."
"Can you do anything to stop me?"
"… Not legally."
… click click click click…
Cozy Glow shifted on her bottom to explore the rest of her cell. Her eyes fell onto a toiler that sat out in the open. "What, no privacy? I'm a filly!"
"Prisoners – whether convicted or not – don't have the same rights as free ponies," the guard explained, much to Cozy's shock. "Our laws haven't changed in one thousand years. There's a lot that'd surprise you."
Suddenly, a chill ran down Cozy Glow's spine. "A-Am I gonna get beheaded?"
"No. That law was eradicated one thousand and one years ago, so you're fine." Cozy breathed a sigh of relief. "You'll just be sent to Tartarus, although while you'll there your body will be cursed so that you live forever, leaving you begging for a death that never comes." A hard silence filled the dungeons for several moments. "Or you'll be sent to reform school. Depends on how the judge is feeling."
"That's if she is found guilty!" a voice suddenly declared, and the guard turned his head to find a mare in blue suit and glasses, her mane tied in a bun that gave off an air of sophistication… is what he assumed she was going for.
"And you are?" the guard asked.
"Her defence attorney, Starlight Glimmer!"
Cozy Glow gasped, and rushed to the bars of her cell to peek outside. Sure enough, that was her former counsellor standing outside.
"You're an attorney?" the guard asked. "You got a licence?"
Starlight tilted her head. "What's a licence?"
"Y'know, a qualification to teach law," Cozy Glow explained. "Like how you also need a licence to start teaching or practice therapy?"
Starlight's eyes widened. "You do?!" She cleared her throat and reached into her pocket. "I mean uh, maybe this will suffice?"
The guard took a piece of paper from her and read it over. "This just says 'Nepotism' and then there's the Princess' seal."
"Yep," Starlight said. "Is that a problem?"
The guard frowned, but shook his head. "Er, no. Fine, you get thirty minutes with the prisoner. Let me show you to the interrogation room."
As the guard left the two of them alone in the interrogation room, Starlight turned to Cozy Glow with a stern look. "Now first off, let me just tell you that I am not angry with you. I am simply disappointed."
"I know, I know," Cozy said, deflating under Starlight's harsh gaze. "I screwed up, huh?"
"Well, at least you seem to be aware of-"
"I should have killed the princess, huh?"
"What? No!" Starlight facehoofed. "Cozy, you were such a good student! Why did you do all of this?!"
Cozy sniffed. "I just wanted to be more like my hero…"
Starlight rolled her eyes. "Dare I ask, who?"
"You." Starlight suddenly fell silent. "You're my hero, and I wanted to be more like you. So I… tried to obtain power and conquer the world." She smiled. "It really was as easy as you made it out to be. Except that last hurdle. That tripped me up."
"Then why did you lock me up, too?"
"Tirek says being a villain means betraying everyone you like." Cozy put a hoof to her chin. "Though now that I think about it, Tirek lost twice so… maybe should've taken his advice with a pinch of salt."
"Cozy, I… You do realise that I'm not a villain anymore, right?"
"Pfft! Yeah, I know. You're playing the long game until Twilight and her friends let their guards down and then you'll uh… Why are you looking at me like… … … Y-You're really not a villain anymore, are you?"
"No."
Cozy groaned, throwing her forelegs into the air. "Well, great! That's two months of my life I'm not getting back!"
"And a lot more, if we don't get you off the hook."
"But what can we do? Equestria's laws are outdated – they don't use evidence or testimony, they just find someone guilty and move on."
Starlight smiled. "Don't worry about that. I've got a plan, but I need you to trust me. I know I may not be who you thought I was, but-"
"You're still my hero, even if you have gone soft!" Cozy replied, leaving Starlight unsure of how to feel. "I guess I'll just have to go soft, too."
At that, Starlight felt relieved. "Now, I'm going to have to do something in court tomorrow that's called a 'white lie'. I know, I know, lying is wrong, but I need you to understand that-"
"Miss Starlight, you know what I did today. I know what lying is."
"Eheheh… Right… Well, in any case, here's the story we'll use…" Starlight leaned forward and whispered into Cozy Glow's ear. When she was finished, she pulled her head back. "You understand?"
"Uh, I do but… why did you have to whisper it?"
"Our time's almost up," Starlight said, getting up from her seat. "I'll see you tomorrow. And try not to worry – I promise everything will be fine."
The next day, ponies gathered for the trial of Cozy Glow, charged with attempting to take over Equestria and false imprisonment. The judge was Fair Hearing, an aged stallion who had presided for many decades.
As the court settled down, Hearing slammed his gavel and looked over those gathered. "Court is now in session for the trial of Cozy Glow. Are the defence and prosecution ready?"
"The defence is ready, Your Honour," Starlight Glimmer replied.
"The prosecution as well," Prince Blueblood said, gazing deeply into a mirror as he blew a fan into his mane.
Cozy Glow raised an eyebrow. Starlight smirked, and whispered, "I gave him the mirror before court. Figured it'd keep him distracted."
"And the fan?" Cozy asked.
Starlight shrugged. "He uh, he had that on him already… Yeah, I found it weird, too."
"Then, let's hear the prosecution's opening statement."
Blueblood chuckled and shrugged. "What is there to say? It's an open-and-shut case." Blueblood stood, stepped forward, and then struck a pose. "This luxurious mane, this handsome horn, this bottom that just won't quit. The mares love me and the stallions want to be me."
"Objection!" Starlight shouted. "I'm a mare and I find him repulsive."
"Sustained," Fair Hearing said. "Prince, please could you save your dating resumé until after the proceedings?"
Prince Blueblood glanced at the judge, and then at the defence's table, and then sighed. "She's guilty. Hundreds of ponies saw it and, well, look at that mane. Fillies with curly hair are inherently bad. Why else would she be trying so hard to stand out, huh?"
The gallery erupted into murmurs of agreement as Blueblood took his seat, and the judge had to slam his gavel to silence everypony. "Thank you. Now, Miss Glimmer, does the defence have anything it would like to say?"
"As a matter of fact, Your Honour, I do!"
"Then the court sees no reason to prolong this- Oh, you… actually have a defence? Well, let's hear it then."
Starlight rose and stepped forward. "Fillies and gentlecolts, today we have before us a filly accused of trying to take over a country and imprisoning those who have fought to protect us, our very heroes, and even me, her own defence attorney!
"Are there claims true? Perhaps. However! Before you pass judgement on her, there is something that you all must know. Cozy Glow, the accused, has…" Starlight slammed her hooves for dramatic effect. "A tragic back-story!"
The gallery gasped, and Prince Blueblood gave an appreciative whistle. "Ooh, she's good."
The judge leaned forward in his seat. "Well, don't leave us in suspense! What happened? Was it bandits?"
"Domestic abuse?" Blueblood asked.
"A secret organization that murdered her family and so now she hunts them down on her own and joined their ranks in an attempt to destroy them from the inside?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"No, no, and return to your seat, Pinkie Pie." Starlight cleared her throat. "You see, it happened some time ago, when Cozy Glow was an even littler filly than she is now. She had a friend, a best friend, one might say. The two of them were inseparable. They spent all of their time together." Starlight began to well up, and summoned a box of tissues to wipe away the tears. "But then one day, her friend said, 'I don't want to hang out with you anymore'."
The room was filled with a tense, heavy silence. Then, all of a sudden, the room erupted as ponies turned and talked to their neighbours, or burst into tears, or screamed obscenities over how cruel the world was.
"ORDER! ORDERRRR!" the judge demanded through his tears as he slammed his gavel. "Miss Glow, had I known you've had such a hard life up to this point, I never would've allowed this case to come to court!"
"It has been hard on her!" Starlight shouted, smushing young Cozy's cheeks as her tears flowed faster. "Look! Look at the face of the poor, lonely filly whose life – that was already a living hell – you were about to destroy even more!"
"Please, stop!" the judge pleaded, covering his face with his hooves. He slammed his gavel, and straightened himself out. "Miss Glimmer, your words have swayed me! To think that we had been so quick to judge her, while you stayed faithful and saw the good in this filly. It truly warms the cockles of this old stallion's heart."
Cozy Glow stifled a laugh, whilst Starlight quietly shushed her.
"The court will now deliver its verdict! In light of the circumstances surrounding Miss Cozy Glow, though we cannot ignore the crimes she has committed, she clearly could not help herself given how rough she has had it up until now. For that reason, even though she is not a unicorn, all of the charges will be dropped!"
Cozy tilted her head. "Wait, even though I'm not a unicorn?"
"However!" the judge continued, "This will be under the condition that Cozy Glow give up her villainous ways and focuses all her efforts into making new friends. We will not monitor these efforts nor perform regular check-ups, but instead trust that she will honour the agreement." The judge smiled at the filly, who nervously smiled back. "Since that's what friends do, after all."
Cozy Glow gave the biggest smile she could muster. "Of course! You can trust me, Your Honour, sir!"
"Well then, with that, court is adjourned!"
Ten days later, Cozy Glow had settled down well in Ponyville with her new friends, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The three of them had bonded over a mutual love of being in charge, as well mutual respect for each others' mischievous natures.
Together, they walked down the streets of Ponyville and laughed merrily. Cozy Glow wiped a tear from her eye. "Anyway, that's why ponies are better than dragons."
Starlight smiled as she watched the three fillies from a distance. Silver Spoon separated from the group for just a moment, and then returned with ice cream. They sat at a nearby table and ate together, told more stories, and laughed some more. "Well, looks like we don't need to worry."
Twilight nodded her head. "It seems you're right. All she needed was to make some friends."
"Well, and a sob story," Starlight said with a grin. "That's what worked for me and Tempest."
"Didn't work for Sombra though," Twilight pointed out, to which Starlight shrugged.
"He didn't tell it fast enough."
Some time passed, before Cozy Glow noticed the sun beginning to set and gasped. "Sorry girls, but I promised some other friends of mine that I'd meet them soon," she said.
"Hey, don't worry about it," Diamond Tiara said. "We'll see you tomorrow at school, right?"
Cozy Glow nodded. "Totally. See you then!"
Starlight watched as Cozy Glow left. "See? She's making friends all over town. She'll be just fine."
Doctor Caballeron lit up his cigarette and exhaled a puff of smoke. "Gentleponies, I would like to thank you all for attending tonight. For our first order of business, I would like to introduce the newest member of our elite ranks – Miss Cozy Glow."
All eyes turned to the filly sitting opposite to Caballeron in the big circle of chairs. "Golly gosh, it sure is nice to meet you all!" she cheered.
One pony, dressed in a trenchcoat, narrowed his eyes at Caballeron. "Is this joke? She is leetle filly."
"Ah only work wif professionals," another pony said.
Caballeron simply waved a hoof at their concerns, and said, "I assure you, she is quite qualified. This little filly came close to conquering all of Equestria in one day."
A large stallion sitting beside Caballeron scoffed at the notion. "So?"
Caballeron grinned. "And she didn't say 'sorry'."
Gasps filled the room. "Whoa. We got a real badass here."
The large stallion leaned over to Caballeron and whispered, "Are you sure we can trust her?"
"Oh, you can trust me," Cozy Glow said, a sweet smile on her face as she giggled. "I'm just here to earn a little extra pocket money, and to make friends, as the court ordered."
"Indeed," Caballeron said. "We are all friends here, and this coming Sunday, I have a fun-filled activity for us all at the Manehattan First Bank."
Everypony chuckled as exchanged knowing looks. Some rubbed their hooves together, others licked their lips. Only Cozy Glow didn't join in the festivities. Instead, she crossed her forelegs and pouted quietly.
"Is something the matter?" Caballeron asked.
"I can't go," she grumbled. "My mum grounded me for trying to trap the princess."
Author's Note
Alternate ending:
The phone in Twilight's office rang, distracting the mare as tried to mark her students' paper. She rolled her eyes, but picked it up anyway. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "Hello?"
"Hi! Is your refrigerator running?"
Twilight pinched the bridge of her nose and answered, "Yes."
"Then you'd better go and catch it! AHAHAHA-"
Twilight slammed the phone down with a groan. "Six times now! SIX! Who the hay has that much time on their hooves to keep phoning me for stupid pranks?!"
"Why don't you just, I dunno, not answer it?" Spike asked. "Also it's obviously Cozy Glow."
"Now Spike, Cozy Glow is making an effort to change and as such deserves our benefit of the doubt," Twilight responded. "And I'm leaning more towards Trixie or Rainbow Dash, myself. Besides, I can't ignore it. What if it's a student or a parent with a genuine-" The phone rang, cutting off her thoughts.
Her eyes twitched, she bit her lip, and her hooves clutched the papers on her desk. But ultimately, she could not help but answer it. Sighing, she asked, "Hello?"
"Hi! Can I speak to Seymour Bu-"
"GAH!" Twilight slammed the phone down and planted her face into her desk. Spike simply shook his and continued working.
