Mr. and Mrs. S.M.I.L.E.

by River Road

Rating: teen
Tags: Tirek, Drama, Comedy, Adventure, Equestria Girls, Sunset Shimmer, Queen Chrysalis, Main 7 (EqG), Profanity
Length: 10794

The Supernatural and Magical Intelligence League of Earth employs only the best and most dependable people who are reasonably sane and probably won't blow anything up.

For centuries anything magic, alien and supernatural has been handled and covered up by the Supernatural and Magical Intelligence League of Earth and their agents. A small city in the heart of [REDACTED] in particular has been designated to always have someone from the agency at hand, even though nothing of note has happened there for so long that nobody even remembers why that policy was implemented in the first place.

Get ready for action, drama, paperwork and misguided marital counseling as you follow the adventures of the two poor idiots dedicated agents currently appointed to watch over the sleepy town of Canterlot, where supernatural events don't happen regularly so please stop posting videos of them on MyStable.

And entry into FanOfMostEverything's Villain Exchange Program

Cover art commissioned from GPizano

Published 2018-10-22 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-22 23:50:01 UTC

Agents of S.M.I.L.E.

“So tell me, why are you two here?”

A man and a woman were sitting in a pair of bland but comfortable armchairs, looking back at the therapist. The man was wearing a bored if slightly annoyed expression, looking rather stiff and tense, while the woman was lounging with one cheek propped up on her hand and a faint, amused smirk.

“This is marriage counseling, isn’t it? What do you think?”

River Road presents

“Relationship counseling, yes. But there are still a lot of reasons why someone would come to ask for a session.”

The man gave a slight roll of his eyes, although his expression stayed mostly bored as it was. “In this case the reason was that some of our acquaintances thought it would be funny to sign us up for one.”

He was rather tall, with skin the color of a perpetual sunburn and full black hair framing his face, combed back at the top and reaching several inches below his chin as a beard. He was wearing a suit that seemed more at home in a business meeting than a counseling session and his yellow eyes were watching everything with an unusual sharpness.

A My Little Pony: Equestria Girls story

“Are you two even married?”

“Not even engaged or otherwise romantically entangled. We do live together if that helps.” The woman gave him a soft, almost sympathetic smile, still leaning her head against her hand, elbow on the side of the armchair, her long teal hair spilling over the dark grey, almost black skin of her arm.

Where her partner was dressed strictly formal, the woman looked as if someone had denied her request for Casual Fridays at work and she had taken that as a challenge, dressing subversively professional. She was wearing a low-cut, soft pink shirt under an open jacket almost the same color as her skin with just a faint, shimmering greenish tint to the fabric. Her pants were expensive and cut to show off hips on a body that was too lean to have much of them. Compared to that the thin black choker around her neck with a silver scarab sewn into the front barely even got any attention.

All in all, while there wasn’t any one part of her that would be noted as exceptionally beautiful or even much above average, the woman as a whole seemed to deliberately give the impression that she could make a successful living from the payouts of sexual harassment lawsuits; and that she would probably have no reservations against doing so if the whim ever struck her.

“…okay then.”

Mr. And Mrs. S.M.I.L.E.

“If you don’t mind, I would like to check that I have your names right on the application form. Mister Tirek Kentar?”

“That is correct.” The man gave a curt nod.

“And Miss… Chrysalis? I’m sorry-”

“Just Chrysalis, yes.” The woman narrowed her eyes slightly.

“I see… Moving on in that case. How did you two meet?”

“Work,” both of them answered at once, Chrysalis jabbing a thumb at her partner lazily. “He does the accounting for me.”

“Ah, so you’re an accountant.”

“He's an eeeevil accountant.” Chrysalis smirked and waggled the fingers of her free hand, grinning.

Tirek straightened up a bit more, smoothing out his suit. “Everything I do is legal and above board.”

“And evil.”

“It's not evil. Mostly.”

“Have you looked in the mirror? You look like a Disney villain. I’ve known you in your goatee phase. Anything you do is evil by default.”

“And what do you do for a living, Miss Chrysalis?”

“She blows things up,” Tirek stated blandly.

Chrysalis huffed and sat up, crossing her arms and glaring over at him. “I do not.”

Tirek tilted his head slightly. “You work in demolition, don’t you?”

“There is a lot less blowing up in that line of work than they make it sound when you apply for the job,” she grumbled.

“And the boxes of explosives in our garage?”

“Everyone needs a hobby.”

“Those are some rather different lines of work. How did you meet through that?”

Chrysalis shrugged. “Well, you know. How does anyone meet.”

The corner of Tirek’s mouth twitched up slightly. “I remember there was the destruction of public property involved.”

“Ugh… how much longer do we have to wait here?” Chrysalis flipped the back of her seat down, staring at the ceiling of the black car they were in.

Tirek rolled his eyes. “We have been here for barely half an hour.”

“Yes, and it’s getting cold. At least turn the heat back on.”

“I’m not going to risk draining my car’s battery just because you refuse to dress respectably. If you’d taken more than that flimsy jacket you wouldn’t be cold.”

“And if you’d ever pull that stick out of your ass we would have firewood for the rest of the night,” Chrysalis sniped back, sitting up again to glare down the street. “Why are we even out here? Nothing ever happens in this town. Nobody even knows why the area is designated a hotspot.”

“If nothing ever happens, what about the energy spike we picked up?”

“You mean the fluke? You said it yourself, it was the lowest amount our fancy equipment could even pick up. Maybe a passing pixie sneezed or something.”

“Three times is not a fluke. And that’s only if it was outwards magic. An internalized spell would need to have considerable power to even show up that much in the readings.” Tirek shrugged faintly, turning his attention back to the small device in his hands. “Besides, you’re the one who suggested this stakeout.”

“It was a joke!” Chrysalis threw up her hands as much as she was able to in the car. “The one time you decide to take me seriously… Just because I noted how in movies the important stuff always happens during parties and school balls doesn’t mean there’s actually any significance to this Fall Formal thing. We don’t even know if your readings actually came from the school!” She started gesticulating wildly. “This is just a waste of time. Seriously, what are the chances that anything big is suddenly going to happen just because-”

She paused, looking down at the twitching needle of the magical geiger counter her partner was holding and the flickering and dancing shadows playing over it. “There’s a big, flashy magical eruption right behind me, isn’t there?”

Tirek leaned to the side slowly to look past her. “Looks like it. There’s also some sort of bat-winged harpy in the air above the school’s entrance.”

“You’re telling me there’s a demon out there and I’m still sitting in this car?!” Chrysalis turned back around to look out her car window, seeing the demon disappear into the school. “Let me at her!” She kicked the door open and jumped out, only to be pulled back into her seat by her seatbelt. “What the-? Seriously?!”

Tirek snorted and stepped out on his side unimpeded. “Do hurry up, we shouldn’t waste any time by clowning around.”

“What do you think I’m trying to do?!” Chrysalis growled, hammering her thumb into the release switch. “This is your fault! I never have to use these damn things on my bike!” She finally managed to get it out, jumping out of the car a second time and running towards the side of the school for cover.

“We’re government agents. I’m not getting pulled over for a ticket because you don’t want to follow basic car safety. Next time just unfasten it when we stop instead of leaving it on.” Tirek followed at a more sedate pace, still watching his geiger counter. “Be careful. The magic is getting stronger.”

“Worst case I just use you as a meat shield, big guy.” Chrysalis gave a predatory grin, hiding against the wall as she watched colorful lights shine out from the school’s entrance. She slowly moved to the corner to look around it and assess the situation.

She watched a moment, then pulled back again and threw her hands up with a quietly hissed “Oh come on!”, slumping against the wall just as Tirek arrived. She glanced up at him and growled. “And what happened to being in a hurry, hmm?”

“I’m not as fast as you either way. Besides, running into a room of civilians guns blazing is how you got us stuck in this position, remember?” He took a slow breath, smoothing out his suit. “So, what’s the situation?”

Chrysalis huffed and pouted, crossing her arms. “The whole entrance of the school is a pile of rubble, there’s a huge crater in front of it and I’m not responsible for any of it. All I got was some corny after-fight speech.”

She pushed back from the wall again, Tirek following her to the corner to watch the group of girls at the crater. “As far as I could tell, matchstick and purple seem to be at the center of the incident. Going by the conversation I heard, we can assume that matchstick was the demon we saw or at least the summoner. It’s pretty obvious the five girls behind them are part of the incident as well… not sure about the rest of the civilians. One way or another, unless the magical girl with wings turns out to be the bad guy, all that’s left is cleanup.”

“Not quite.” Tirek shook his head. “We still don’t know where the magic came from or what to do with the ones still influenced by it.” He thought for a moment, then looked back at their car. “I’ll go and set up a dead zone around the school so none of them can swarm the internet with pictures or videos. You try to get more intel on what happened, who to take into custody and what memories to erase.”

“Fine. More interesting than sitting in that car at least.” Chrysalis huffed and looked around the corner again. “...are they just going back inside for the party? What is wrong with this town?”

~~~~~

Sunset Shimmer looked around the dark, rubbing her arm nervously as she walked down the street. Vice-Principal Luna had sent her home when she was still stacking bricks after the last student and teacher had left, half an hour after Snips and Snails had been picked up by their parents. The woman hadn’t offered to drive her home and Sunset hadn’t asked, not that she would have accepted the offer either way. Still, walking alone in the dark after the night, still feeling bruised and sore and drained was bad enough. The constant feeling of being watched didn’t make the walk any more comfortable.

The sound of heeled steps coming from behind her made her tense up and walk faster, almost breaking into a run as the steps did not fade away but instead seemed to be coming closer. She turned a corner and bit back a scream, finding the shadow of a man practically towering in the dark ahead of her. The shadow took a step forward and Sunset nervously shuffled back, watching as a tall bearded man stepped into the lit circle of a streetlight.

Her brain stalled and she stopped, staring up at the man incredulously. He was tall, imposing and dressed way too much like the people she kept having nightmares of after an unfortunate choice in movies one day. He was also, for some reason, holding a small white teacup with pink floral print. It looked positively tiny in his hands, and he wasn’t quite as big that Sunset thought the cup wasn’t deliberately undersized.

The man raised an eyebrow at her and took a slow sip from the cup before speaking up. “Miss Sunset Shimmer?”

Sunset let out a small squeak and nodded nervously, then nearly jumped out of her skin when a tall woman stepped up right behind her, without having made any sound up to the last step.

“I’m not sure what’s worse, putting on that whole show to scare the dickens out of a child, or the cup.”

The man raised his cup in a toast. “It helps put people at ease. I’m sure someone like Miss Shimmer would be reasonably apprehensive no matter how we approached her.” He held out his free hand to her. “We’re not here to arrest you, Miss Shimmer, but we do have some questions.”

Sunset shuffled a bit away from the woman, eyeing the man’s hand cautiously. She tried to call on her old persona, all her experience as queen bee of CHS, but the Elements Of Harmony had left that part of her pretty thoroughly ripped to shreds, leaving her stumbling over her own words. “W-who are you?”

“Agent Tirek, at your service.” The man nodded curtly before glancing over at the woman. “And that is my partner, Agent Chrysalis. We are agents of S.M.I.L.E.”

The woman - Chrysalis - smirked. “I am, at least. He is usually more of an agent of G.R.O.U.C.H.” Tirek shot her an annoyed glare.

“What’s S.M.I.L.E.?” Sunset fidgeted nervously, looking between the two.

“The Supernatural and Magical Intelligence League of Earth.” Tirek inclined his head slightly. “As the name suggests, and contrary to how most media would show an organization like ours, we do not usually engage in epic battles to defeat evil sorcerers or shady operations to imprison hapless aliens. Our main directive is to investigate magical and supernatural incidents, gather intelligence on possible artifacts and keep information and proof of them from spreading through the general population.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes, getting a little bit of her mental balance back and taking a step back again. “And I assume I’m one of those proofs you want to keep out of the general population?”

Chrysalis scoffed and was right behind her again suddenly, giving her a light slap over the hat. “Don’t be arrogant, brat. You’re not that big a fish.”

Tirek frowned faintly. “I just told you that we don’t just arrest people, didn’t I? We take in artifacts for safekeeping, but not people. Detaining magicals like that would be impractical, dangerous and in some cases just plain stupid.” He rolled his eyes. “Most of our cases come from irresponsible handling of magical artifacts or sometimes minor magical creatures, not evil warlocks looking for world domination. At worst someone let the power go to their head.” He raised an eyebrow. “We do try to keep stories of those incidents to nothing more than urban legends and conspiracy theories. Not because of some nefarious plan to keep the people in the dark, but simple practicality. Thousands of people going on treasure hunts for a seriously limited number of magic artifacts would put a serious strain on society.”

Chrysalis scoffed. “Not to mention all the paperwork it would mean for us.” She turned back to Sunset. “Speaking of, we still want you to answer those questions. We managed to figure out some things by ourselves, like where your purple frenemy came from and that the usual protocol of dealing with incidents like this would be highly impractical in this case. But it’s a very incomplete picture, and we really do need the information if we want to do our job without resorting to… less subtle methods.” She cracked her knuckles.

Sunset eyed her warily, knowing there was little choice in the matter for her but not willing to simply go along without some token resistance. “And if I don’t want to answer your questions?”

Tirek tilted his head slightly to watch her for a long moment, then shrugged. “Then we will get our answers some other way. We’ll probably have to follow you around, your friends and family, those other girls and their friends and family, check your public records, hack into your phone and computer and listen in on private conversations…” He shrugged again. “You know, whatever we think might help us figure this out. You’ll barely notice us, you’ll just know that we’re there, even if we’re not.”

Sunset stared at him, eye twitching for a moment before she slumped down with an exhausted sigh, all fight gone from her. “...fine. I’ll tell you what you want to know.”

Tirek gave her a magnanimous smile. “Think of it as counseling. You know, alien secret-agency confidentiality.” He turned around to calmly walk away. “Come on, we can talk in the car. It’s heated and I’ll drive you home while we talk.”

“Oh sure, you’ll turn on the heater for her but not your own partner. Jerkbeard.” Chrysalis grumbled and started to follow, but made sure never to let Sunset out of her eyes until they were sitting in the car.

Sunset shivered at the blast of warm air, unable to help herself as she relaxed slightly in the seat. She was bruised, sore and drained and now she was getting into a car with complete strangers from a secret government agency who probably wanted to dissect her in some hidden underground base.

She sunk back into the surprisingly comfortable car seat, felt the warm air push the night’s cold out of her bones and didn’t wake up again until noon of the next day on the couch of a spacious living room in the Canterlot suburbs.

“Do you have any common interests? Hobbies you share, maybe?”

“Seismology.”

“...I’m sorry?”

Tirek shrugged lightly, folding his hands in his lap. “Seismology. It’s not a common hobby, I’m aware, but it’s common ground for us. I enjoy the methodical, hard science around the gathering and analysis of information. I find it quite relaxing. As for my partner…”

“I like the widespread destruction of buildings and other human constructions. And if you know about it in advance you can evacuate the area and watch the whole thing from start to end.” Her smirk turned into a pensive frown. “In theory, of course. Reality is rarely that clean, but what can you do. I have a simulation program on my computer for a quick fix.”

“Anything else you share? Tastes in music, perhaps?”

The two shared a short glance before Chrysalis waved off lightly. “Tirek likes that old, stuffy stuff-”

“It’s called classical music.”

“Yes, like I said. He likes the stuffy old music and I’m way into metal and punk rock.” She hummed and smiled. “But we can bear each other’s tastes, usually, and we do bond over the kinds of music we don’t like.”

“Remember when pony-girl said that purple left with all the magic? Well, you know… Their magic at least.” Chrysalis walked with her arms behind her head, glancing over at her partner.

Tirek made a non-committal grunt, keeping his eyes on his phone, which wasn’t quite as accurate as his geiger counter but considerably less suspicious. “They have names, you know.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Remember when File CH#01 said that File CH#02 left with all the magic? Is that better?”

Tirek heaved a put-upon sigh. “Do you want to fill out the reports next time?”

“Like I said, remember when Sunset Shimmer said that Princess Twilight Sparkle left with all the magic?” Chrysalis said with forced cheer. “Then what’s with all the pings you’ve been getting? It’s been, what, three now?”

“Four, actually. They’re not at a level that poses any danger…” He paused. “At least not if it isn’t an internalized spell, which I doubt. It’s just a short burst of energy, the same kind the equipment picked up during the first incident, followed by a few minutes of fading background hum.”

“And we’re only going after these now why?” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you usually more on top of things like this?”

Tirek shrugged. “The first time might have been a fluke, certainly not enough to warrant an immediate response at this level. The second time I was in the shower.” He frowned. “The third one was an hour ago when you were in the shower.”

“D’awww, how chivalrous. You know I wouldn’t kick you out if you came in for such an important reason, even if I’m… indecent.”

Tirek rolled his eyes. “You’re always indecent. Sometimes you’re just wearing clothes. Either way, they don’t seem to come from a fixed point this time. All from the inner city on the East Side of town, though, around the shops, so we’ll have to investigate how much clean-up is required.” He subtly brushed a hand over the futuristic gun hidden under his suit jacket.

“Don’t make it sound like fun, that part of the job gets old even faster than you’d think.” Chrysalis shook her head. “When I joined this gig I was hoping to beat up some supervillains or something.”

“That’s not how it works and you know it. Supervillains don’t just…” Tirek paused and stared at his phone intently, brow furrowing as he turned to look around before stopping at one particular store. “Well, unless you’re fine with beating up a magical girl.”

“What?” Chrysalis spun around to stare at the same store, watching through the store window as one of the girls from the incident lifted off the ground in a magical aura and grew a pair of wings. The girl was shredding a the strings of a guitar so fast that for all anyone knew she might have literally been harnessing the Power Of Rock for her magical feat.

Chrysalis groaned softly, then paused and looked at the store again, thinking about what she’d read in the file on that particular girl’s personality. “Just hypothetically though, think she’d go for it?”

~~~~~

“Yes… yes… no. Yes, I'll wait.” Tirek grumbled and put down his phone for a moment. “They put me on hold again.”

“You'd think they would take this more seriously,” Chrysalis muttered, lying spread out on the couch with an ice pack over her forehead. “Are they putting you through to a superior officer this time?”

“Didn't sound like it.” Tirek let out a short huff, picking up the phone again. “Hello? Yes, I'm here. Yes, Agents Tirek and Chrysalis, identification code Papa Alpha Sierra Sierra Alpha Three Eight. Canterlot, yes. Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you. What? No, I'm quite sure they're here. At the local high school. Yes. Yes. No. Yes, I know how that sounds, but if you'd read my previous reports you'd see… no. No, I'm quite sure they are not at the East Coast. I'd say one of those reports is obviously mistaken then. That's not– Sir. Sir? Sir, would you hold for a second? Yes? Just one second, please, my partner would like to add to the preliminary report.” He pulled the phone away from his ear again and held it out to Chrysalis, making a few quick hand signs with his other hand. Chrysalis gave a slow nod, closed her eyes with a deep breath and accepted the phone.

“Now listen here you poor replacement for an Excel spreadsheet–!”

Tirek slowly moved back to the kitchen, calmly preparing a kettle of tea water and pulling out two reasonably sized cups.

“...Of course I saw them, I was in the damn school and there's magic rolling around like fog in goddamn Scotland…”

He waited for the water to boil, then added a few tea leaves in a strainer.

“...broke their spell hours ago and I still got a fucking headache like I did the bad drugs, so don't you tell me…”

He put everything on a small tray and carefully carried it back to the living room.

“...can't imagine who you had to sleep with to get that job because it can't have been your qualifications, but I dearly hope you didn't open your mouth in the bedroom with that voice coming out of it–” Chrysalis put a hand over the speaker and turned her head to look at Tirek. “He hung up a minute or so ago. Want me to continue anyway?”

Tirek shook his head. “No, I think that's enough. I doubt we could have gotten any reinforcements out of them anyway, not for this area. I suppose we'll have to handle things on our own.”

Chrysalis groaned and dropped the phone, picking up what was now a bag of lukewarm water from her head. “But not while I have this killer headache.”

“Naturally. Again, my apologies for that.” Tirek got up and pushed one cup of tea over to his partner's side, ignoring his own as he took the bag and headed back into the kitchen for fresh ice.

“Nothing you could have done, you big lug…” Chrysalis muttered and rolled her eyes, then slumped back into the pillows with a hand over her eyes as she got dizzy again. “...I hate mind control spells.”

~~~~~

“Remind me again why you wanted to come along for this.” Tirek watched the three sirens through a pair of binoculars, standing on one of the hills surrounding the stage and spectator area.

“It’s like alcohol. I can’t exactly develop an immunity to mind control spells if I’m never exposed to them.”

Tirek didn’t lower his binoculars or turn his head, ignoring his partner who was sitting against their car wrapped up in so much rope that only her head was still visible. “And how’s that working out for you?”

Chrysalis leaned forward slightly to get a better look at the three girls on the stage. “...I want to jump her bones so bad.”

“I’m pretty sure they’re not that kind of siren.”

“Have you seen the one in the middle?” Chrysalis tilted forward until she fell over, shaking her head and looking up again. “Being a siren has nothing to do with that. Now are you going to untie me or what?”

“Don’t you think they’re a bit too young for you?”

Chrysalis tried to shrug, which turned into more of a wiggle. “Their file said they’re probably several centuries old. Now about these ropes...”

“...don’t you think you’re a bit too young for them?”

“I swear to Godzilla, get me out of these ropes or I’m gonna burn your fucking house down!”

“About two minutes before they got to you… I suppose that’s rather impressive, the students down there certainly didn’t last more than a few seconds.” Tirek lowered the binoculars to watch Chrysalis wiggle past his legs like a caterpillar. “You know, we live in the same house.”

“Do I look like someone who cares?!” Chrysalis wiggled and jerked to a stop when Tirek casually put a foot on the coil of ropes surrounding her body, baring her teeth and snarling up at him. “Stop stopping me! I’m going to buy you a pet bunny and roast it with onions! I know where your bed sleeps! I- holy fuck did that car just transform? Why don’t we have a transforming car?”

Tirek furrowed his brow, watching the girls they’d taken notice of during the Fall Formal step in front of a brightly lit car with massive speakers, strobe lights and a lava lamp built in. “We do have an armored car. Although I’ll have to agree that this looks considerably above the funds of a high school student.”

Chrysalis snorted. “Yeah, an armored car that you won’t let me drive.”

Tirek frowned slightly. “It’s my car. And you would make a dent in it.”

“You just said that it’s armored, didn’t you?”

“And I have not the slightest doubt that you are already considering that a challenge.”

She tilted her head, then grimaced and slumped down. “Don’t tell me they’re fighting three of the most infamous magical criminals we know with after-school pop.”

Tirek raised his binoculars again, looking between the girls and the sirens. “It certainly looks like it, and they seem to be winning.” He winced slightly. “Belay that. At least at this point there’s no doubt left those really are the sirens.”

Chrysalis looked up again. “Are those giant spiritual projections of carnivorous fish? Mind control headache aside, is it bad that I’m kind of rooting for the bad guys here?”

“I still don’t think you have a chance with the orange one.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chrysalis glared up at him, then followed the battle again. “Oh look, pony-girl is stepping up now. You’re getting pictures of this, right? I’d do it, but my hands are kind of tied at the moment.”

“Hilarious.” Tirek kicked at the ropes, causing his partner to roll several paces away while he shot a steady row of photographs with his binoculars, taking several of the massive spirit alicorn blasting the sirens’ projections to pieces. “Somehow I don’t think the photos will do much to make this report more credible.”

“And I didn’t get to fight any of them. Again. It’s just not fair.” Chrysalis pouted, then huffed and wiggled around again. “Seriously though, are you going to get me out of these?”

“Have you ever thought about children?”

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “Are you serious?”

“Humor me.”

“We live not to far away from the local high school. We’ve seen enough teenagers to know why we don’t want any.”

Chrysalis glanced up from her laptop. “Did you know pony-girl is the target of a smear campaign on MyStable?”

Tirek raised an eyebrow, not looking up from his book. “Is magic involved?”

“Not that I can tell, no.” Chrysalis looked down at her screen again, then rolled her eyes. “Yeah, looks like typical high school drama.”

“Then it’s none of our business. Also, I thought you didn’t go to high school.”

“I watch a lot of TV, okay?” Chrysalis huffed. “‘Sides, I would have punched any drama in the face the moment it showed itself.”

Tirek smiled faintly. “A reasonable attitude. Why don’t they ever teach that to children.”

“I know, right? I’d watch an after-school special like that.” There was a short, fast sound of keys being hit. “So, I used that one app we’re not supposed to use without authorization, you know, the one to track accounts back to their IP address…? Anyway, I sent a vaguely threatening message to some twerp I don’t know, just a heads up in case top brass asks.”

Tirek slowly looked up, closing his book to watch his partner.

“Look, I’m not doing this for pony-girl or any of her kill-stealing friends, alright? I just like to threaten obnoxious brats from a morally superior position.”

Tirek stared a few seconds longer, then slowly turned his attention back to his book. “If you say so.”

“Let’s talk about hobbies again for a moment. Do you play any sports, or follow any teams? It’s a surprisingly common strain on relationships of all kinds.”

“Not at the moment, no.” Chrysalis leaned back in her armchair, stretching an arm over her head. “Well, not beyond some general fitness stuff. You know, staying in shape.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

“We did follow school sports for a while,” Tirek noted. “The soccer team of the Canterlot High School is one of the best in the state, we saw a game or two of them.” He hummed thoughtfully. “Aside from that, no. I can’t think of any sporting events we’d be particularly interested in.”

“Miss Shimmer, hello.” Chrysalis cheerfully spoke into her phone while Tirek checked another device in their secret basement, frowning at the readouts. “I’m just calling to ask how you are doing, what with that big, important, yet strangely secluded sporting event your school is hosting. The Friendship Games, was it? Well I know how big you and your friends are on friendship, so I thought I’d check in to make sure everything is going well and… oh yes, I wanted to ask about the massive spike of magic our sensors detected.”

She stared at the phone for a moment, then sighed and put it away. “Welp, I only got the mailbox. What’s the numbers, doc?”

Tirek ripped a few sheets of paper from the printer, scowling down at them. “About four to five times the power of their usual magic shenanigans, consistently for almost two full minutes. Even if somehow everyone from their school and Crystal Prep didn’t see what happened, this is approaching dangerous levels. I’ve seen cases with injuries and destroyed property from half this amount.”

Chrysalis nodded, picking up a ring of keys from a desk and heading out. “Alright, there’s no time to lose then. Drive to Canterlot High, again, finally get to beat back some out of control magic and be back home for some victory sundaes.”

“You don’t know if there’s actually gonna be any fights,” Tirek pointed out, following her up the basement stairs. “Also, I call shotgun.”

“What?” Chrysalis spun around at the top of the stair, glaring daggers. “Like hell you do, I call shotgun!”

Tirek smirked and brushed past her, snatching the keys from her hand. “Alright, I guess I’ll be driving then.”

Chrysalis blinked, standing frozen for a long moment before she ran after him. “What?! Wait, I… That wasn’t… You... Come back here and let me drive, jackass!”

~~~~~

Chrysalis drummed her fingers on her knees, fidgeting nervously as they drove up the street towards the school. “Say, do you hear really creepy singing?”

“Can’t say I do. What’s it sound like?” Tirek frowned, keeping half an eye on the road and the other three halves on the various displays and devices scattered across the dashboard.

“Like someone tried to write a musical about peer pressure.” Chrysalis snorted, but froze when the front of the school ahead of them began to glow with a dark light. “Okay, not so funny when it ends with that. How are the readings?”

Tirek scowled, speeding up a bit. “Have you ever heard of the Doomsday Protocol?”

Chrysalis gulped. “No, but I’m gonna take a wild guess what it’s about. Is it really that bad?”

“No, but it’s getting there,” Tirek growled. “Steady income of magic spikes and none of them fading away again. If anything, the background magic keeps getting stronger.” He pulled to a stop right across the school, looking out at the maniacal purple demon hovering above the remains of the school’s statue and tearing open rifts between dimensions. “Yeah, that would do it. I suggest you read up on that protocol and fast, because at this rate we might see one up close sooner rather than later.”

“Not if we beat some sense into whoever that is first.” Chrysalis hissed and jumped out of the car, without seatbelt this time, quickly heading for the cover of the statue’s still mostly intact pedestal. “You think purple went crazy like pony-girl, or is that her evil twin sister?”

“I think we need a better plan of attack than rushing in and punching her, and we need it now.” Tirek crouched down next to her, looking around the side of the pedestal.

“I never get to punch things in this job.” Chrysalis huffed and looked around the other side, watching only for a few seconds before she rolled her eyes. “Oh goody, looks like pony-girl is on the case already with her very own speech about the Power Of Love or something.” She frowned and leaned in. “What’s she holding there? Some kind of Magical Girl Power Makeup?”

Her eyes narrowed, then widened as she watched the compact start to absorb five streams of magic from the other girls. “Oh shit. Shit!” She spun around and lounged forward to pull Tirek back out of view, taking just one look at his pale, wide-eyed face before slapping him in the face with a string of expletives. “Snap out of it, you idiot! It’s not the same, damnit, you heard her give that goddamn friendship monologue, didn’t you? Fuck!”

She looked around before propping him up against the base of the statue, leaning in with her hands on his shoulders. “Say something, jackass! I breach protocol whenever you’re not looking and sometimes when you are. I wrote kick me on the back of all your suits in chalk. I took the last rooibos from the pantry last week, said I didn’t, then hid the new pack you bought just for shits and giggles.” She growled and slapped him again. “Fucking hell, what does it take to get a reaction out of you?!”

She pulled back and bit her lip, then groaned and slumped down. “Oh fuck me, I can’t believe I’m doing this…” She took a deep breath before staring at her partner again, growling out through her teeth. “My last name is Tonks.”

Tirek blinked, his eyes focusing on her for the first time and his voice coming out as a rough wheeze. “W-what?”

Chrysalis gave him a flat stare. “My last name. You know, the one I redacted from every file on me, hacked myself into several servers to delete, obliviated at least three superiors and literally blew up a filing cabinet at HQ so nobody would ever find out? Tonks. Apparently I got it from some British aunt I have who’s supposed to be real badass, I wouldn’t know.”

Tirek blinked again, then frowned and sat up, furrowing his brow. “Tonks? That’s all? Why go to all the trouble to hide something like that?”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Because if anyone knew my last name they could find out my middle name, obviously. I got that from my aunt, too.” She glanced around again, then leaned in.

“...”

Tirek tilted his head slightly, then relaxed a little. “That’s… a very unfortunate name, yes. And very fitting. Unfortunately fitting.” His lips twitched slightly before he managed to school his expression and stand up, righting his suit and slowly striding back to the car. “Your secret is safe with me.”

“It better be! You owe me a goddamn life debt for that one, you hear?” Chrysalis hissed and hurried after him. “So what, we’re just gonna ignore whatever went on here?”

“We’re not ignoring it, but we’re also not going to address the problem immediately.” Tirek sighed and sat down, slumping into his seat with his eyes closed. “I am not in the right mind to handle clean-up right now, and you are not in the right mind period. We are going to drive back into town, have that ice cream you talked about, maybe a cup of tea, and then we will see, as you would put it, just how big of a clusterfuck we are looking at.

“Fair enough.” Chrysalis shrugged, glancing around innocently. “Soo… can I-?”

“You can not drive. I am shaken, not suicidal.”

~~~~~

“Miss Shimmer?”

Sunset cursed silently, leaving her key in the door to the apartment building she lived at and turning around to face the two agents with a curt nod.

“Agent Tirek, Agent Chrysalis.”

“I am sure you know why we are here.” Agent Tirek gave a curt nod back.

“Can we pretend that I don’t?” Sunset rubbed her forehead, leaning back against the door. “Or better yet, can we pretend that you didn’t come here? Because I’m seriously not up to this right now.”

Chrysalis gave a cold smile, stepping forward. “Don’t be like that. Aren’t you and your friends all about cooperation and getting along? Well, this is about you cooperating with us so we can all get along, too.”

Sunset glared at her, shifting into a defensive stance. “And what sort of cooperation is this supposed to be?”

Tirek narrowed his eyes at her. “For a start, you could let us know in advance when magic is about to become a danger to other people and the world we all live in. At the very least, I’m sure you had some reason to call us when the first magic spike occurred. The one with giant black vines attacking students during a sporting event, from what I’ve heard.”

“Look, this is really none of your business, okay?” Sunset crossed her arms defensively, looking away. “I’m the one who brought magic into this world, and I’m going to fix it again.”

The agents stared down at her wordlessly for a moment before Chrysalis snorted. “Getting a bit of a big head, aren’t we?”

“Excuse me?!” Sunset jerked up, giving her an incredulous look.

“We’re part of a centuries-old secret organization dedicated to keeping magic incidents under the radar. Do you really think that you’re the one who ‘brought magic into this world’?” Chrysalis crossed her arms, looming over her. “Magic was already here before you were born and it will still be here when we’re all dead. Maybe not in this town in particular, but there’s probably a reason it’s marked as a magical hotspot in our agency. For fuck’s sake, you think you were the first thing that came through that particular portal?” Chrysalis leaned in closer. “If you’d stop being the high horse for a moment and let us do our damn job, then maybe none of us would have had the shitty day this was.” She slowly pulled back, then huffed and turned around to walk off.

Sunset trembled slightly, turning her head to look at Tirek. “And how do I know that I can trust you? I barely even know you and you’re not exactly going to great lengths to look trustworthy.”

Tirek raised an eyebrow. “We let you crash on our couch instead of dumping you at some street corner when you fell asleep in our car. Then we gave you a ride home the next morning, even though you probably only told us maybe half of what we should know about.” He shook his head, turning around as well. “Trust needs to come from both sides, Miss Shimmer. We find out about your magical hijinks one way or another, all you’re doing is making it harder for everyone involved and putting your friends and classmates in danger.”

He walked off, waving over his shoulder. “You still have our number. Try using it sometime.”

Sunset watched them drive off until they’d turned the next corner, then sighed and slumped against the door. She groaned into her hands for a moment before she pulled herself up again and headed inside, to sleep the rest of the day away before it could get any worse.

“Vacations.”

“Vacations?”

“Vacations. When was the last time you had one?”

Chrysalis tilted her head thoughtfully. “About… three months ago, I think. Maybe four.”

Tirek nodded softly. “Somewhere in between, yes. We went to a beach resort for a week.” He shrugged. “Nice weather, good food, rather uneventful all in all.”

“Cassidy, Hooch. How good to see you two.” Chrysalis looked the two agents over with an amused smirk, taking note of the small holes and tears in their suits, the twigs in their hair and the many spots of sticky sap all over them. “How did the job-sitting go? Did you run into any trouble?”

The male, green-haired agent slowly pointed a finger at them, eye twitching. “Y-you… you knew this was going to happen!” He blinked, then glared harder. “And that’s not my name!”

“Knew? Knew about what, exactly?” Chrysalis tilted her head innocently, still smirking.

“The field trip!” the gold-blonde, female agent shrieked. “That hellhole they call a camp! They had sentient plants, roots trying to tangle us up everywhere, exploding cupcakes for some reason!” She shuddered, staring into the distance. “And the sap… sap everywhere…”

“I cannot imagine how we could have possibly known something like that could happen,” Tirek spoke up next to Chrysalis, wearing a floral-print hawaiian shirt, aviator sunglasses and colorful shorts. “Though it sounds like you could use a vacation.” He toasted them with half a coconut before taking another long, loudly slurping sip from the crazy straw poking out of it.

“He’s right, you both look terribly tense.” Chrysalis smirk twitched up another inch. “You especially, Fudge.”

“That’s not my name either!”

“Oh, my mistake. Must be all that sap on you.” Chrysalis bit her lip. “Well, anyway, we really should head inside now. Need to unpack, check the magic sensors, you know how it is, always a dull day in this job~” She sashayed past the two twitching agents, followed closely by Tirek, who took another obnoxiously long and loud sip from his drink, threw them a peace sign and then slammed the door shut.

The two returned agents waited a moment to listen to the receding and somewhat uncoordinated steps, then broke into wide grins. Tirek raised his drink again. “A toast to genre savviness.”

Chrysalis giggled. “Like I was going anywhere near that disaster waiting to happen. Couldn’t have happened to a better pair of arrogant jerks either.” She looked up and raised an eyebrow. “My compliments to the outfit, by the way. And I was impressed how long you could hold that slurp.”

Tirek tipped the coconut over. “I bought this thing at the airport. The straw is designed to make that sound all the time, I’m not sure you can even use it for drinks.”

Chrysalis grinned again, giving a thumbs up. “Best use of vacation days since the time I broke into HQ to torch the archives.”

“Do you two keep secrets from each other?”

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “If we said yes now it wouldn’t be much of a secret anymore, would it?”

“It’s still a valid question. Everyone has some secrets, but it’s interesting to note how open and understanding a couple is about having them.”

“That’s an interesting approach, I’ll admit.” Tirek glanced over at his partner for a moment. “I would say at the very least we are more honest with each other than with most people.”

“That’s good. Are there any secrets you’ve shared that you wish you hadn’t?”

Chrysalis snorted, rolling her eyes. “Gee, let me think.”

Tirek smirked. “I promised you to take that secret to my grave, so I guess that means you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead body if you want it back.”

Chrysalis sighed. “Yeah, definitely at least one that I wish he didn’t remember.”

“Another big blast of flower power, Miss Shimmer? Some might think you and your friends to be a little trigger-happy.” Chrysalis and Tirek walked up to the girl where she was crouching in the fading light and picking up pebbles from the edge of the school’s parking lot.

Sunset sighed and picked up the last shard, then slowly stood up again and turned to face the two agents. “How do you even know it was us and not some other magic phenomenon.”

Tirek raised an eyebrow. “You and your friends use it often enough that by now we can tell your particular brand of magic from others.”

Sunset shrugged, settling into a guarded pose. “Well, even if it was us, I would say that in this case it was entirely warranted.” She held out a handful of stone shards with faded markings. “And the artifact we used it on is neutralized now.”

Tirek leaned in, eyes narrowing slightly. “And how exactly was this particular artifact utilized?”

Sunset blinked, then narrowed her eyes and pulled her hands back. “...you know what this is. Why do you know what this is?”

Tirek held her gaze for a moment before relaxing slightly. “You answer our question, we answer yours.”

Sunset glanced down at her hand again, then shrugged and took a deep breath to relax herself as well. “Someone with a grudge against me used it to take away any memories people had of me doing good things after the Fall Formal. I only barely managed to destroy the stone before the effects became irreversible.” She narrowed her eyes again. “And how do you know about it?”

Tirek shared a glance with Chrysalis, then nodded and slowly pulled what looked like an expensive fake ray gun from his pocket. He tapped the display on the side several times before a panel slid open on the other side, letting him retrieve a small, faintly glowing stone with similar markings. “The Obliviator Gun MK VIII. It’s standard issue for most S.M.I.L.E. agents.”

Sunset closed her eyes for a second, taking a slow, measured breath. "Please tell me that you're not mass-producing one of the most dangerous and terrifying magical artifacts I've ever come across."

Chrysalis smiled gently and laid a hand on the girl's shoulder, patting it lightly. "Of course, pony-girl, don't be silly." Her smile got another few degrees warmer and more sincere. "We're a secret organization, of course we'd tell you that we’re not doing that."

Sunset's eye twitched, as did the rest of her body.

Tirek gave a barely perceptible wince, then raised an eyebrow as he looked down at his groaning partner. "I didn't know that dojo you signed up at teaches you how to suplex people."

Sunset snorted, getting back up and brushing the dust off her jacket. "I have money from home and live in this state's equivalent to Gravity Falls. My sensei teaches me how to everything people."

“You realize Gravity Falls, Oregon isn’t an actual town, right?”

Sunset smirked. “Maybe not in this world. Back home it’s the rumored birthplace of the God of Chaos.”

“Your world certainly sounds… interesting.”

“Little help here…?” Chrysalis groaned from the ground.

“Anyway, setting aside the many quirks and oddities of this town that have become so normal nobody ever draws attention to them anymore.” Tirek cleared his throat. “I’d like to assure you that we don’t indiscriminately delete memories.” He cleared his throat again, looking away. “...that was the policy last century. As with most fields, human ethics have made some good progress in that regard.”

Chrysalis groaned again and sat up, rubbing her back. “It’s also not irreversible like you said the original was.” She looked up at Sunset, sharp eyes focused on her hand with the shards for a moment. “As I remember it, S.M.I.L.E. Labs have been developing and improving on these for decades at least. Any memory we take is stored in a gemstone in the gun where it is preserved, and then stored in a safe at HQ until the memories should either be returned, or the owner of the memories dies and the magic fades away so it can be reused.”

Sunset looked down at the shards again. “And why was this still here, then?”

Chrysalis shrugged. “That wasn’t part of History 101, but I assume that it seemed like a better idea not to draw the attention of someone who has access to something like that, just in case they show up to demonstrate what else they have access to. By the time the organization was big and influential enough to keep it properly safeguarded, nobody remembered where the stones first came from. This town is designated a magical hotspot, but nobody in decades remembered why that even was. It all fits together, really.”

Sunset watched her for a moment, then nodded reluctantly and sighed. “Well, that was… a better explanation than I expected, really. I guess I should apologize for not calling you, again. I just-”

“Don’t.” Tirek held up a hand. “Everything worked out and no clean-up is required. If whoever used the artifact really took the memories you said they did, then I understand why you wouldn’t seek help from anyone you know. I couldn’t even say that we weren’t affected, because that’s almost impossible to tell after the fact.” He shook his head and turned around, walking back to their car. “Go home, get some sleep and try to forget about this whole incident.”

Chrysalis watched him go for a moment before speaking up. “Wow. I didn’t think a big guy like him could reach his mouth with his foot, but there you go. He’s got a point though.” She smiled and patted Sunset’s shoulder. “Don’t think too hard about it until you’ve digested everything. Oh, and if you actually do have a magical threat that can be punched, call me.” She gave a sloppy salute and winked before following her partner back to the car.

Sunset watched them for a moment before her attention was drawn back to the shards in her hand and she sighed, sliding them into her pocket and turning away as well to make her way home.

“Well, I’m afraid the time for this session is almost over.”

Chrysalis hummed and smiled. “Time flies, huh? So, what’s the verdict, doc?”

“My professional opinion is that you two are trying to play a joke on me. Sadly I can’t exactly fault you for that since the session was paid for and it was originally supposed to be a joke played on you.”

Chrysalis chuckled. “Oh yes, typical Crutch, always overthinking simple pranks. Don’t worry, I already sent him a card.”

“...I can honestly say that I wasn’t worried about that. Either way, assuming that you didn’t pull everything you said from your ass, what little information you actually gave me makes me conclude that your relationship is unreasonably healthy. I have no idea what kind of relationship it’s supposed to be exactly, but you two are a prime example for an odd couple and you make it work. If I had to give you any advice at all, again, on my very limited knowledge of you two, it would be that-”

“Excuse me, please.” Tirek held up a hand, pulling out a buzzing phone with the other and taking the call. “Hello? Miss Shimmer, what a nice surprise. What? Really now? And when you say… Yes, of course, I’ll let her know. Yes, we’re on our way.”

Tirek calmly put his phone away again before looking up. “I’m terribly sorry, but something has come up

and I’m afraid we will have to take our leave now. Thank you again for the session.”

“Should I be concerned?”

“Well, it’s…” Tirek hummed, then tilted his head questioningly. “Do you perchance know Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie?”

“I studied to become a psychologist. There’s a reason I changed tracks to do relationship counseling instead.”

There was a loud splat and everyone in the room turned to look at the window, where pieces of a large pink cake were slowly sliding down the outside of the glass.

Chrysalis slowly turned to look forward again, smirking. “What do you do if she ever gets married?”

“Change my name and move to Caneighda, most likely. On an unrelated note, I have decided that I don’t want to know what this is all about, so please feel free to leave.”

The pair stood up and nodded politely, then quickly headed out the door.

“So, how bad did she say it was?”

“Let me put it this way.” There was a jangle of keys, followed by not at all reassuring, cackling laughter.

~~~~~

“Didn’t y’all say that there’s supposed to be some kinda reinforcements coming?” Applejack grunted and picked up one of the approaching figures, geode flashing as she tossed him back into the crowd of greenish-grey not-quite-humans, their eyes glowing pale white and their bodies surrounded by a constant haze of thin smoke. Applejack wiped the sweat from her forehead and frowned at the mass of similar shades still spilling out of the school’s entrance. “Just tossing them back doesn’t seem to do much except buy us time, and I’m gettin’ a mite tired.”

“No kidding.” Rainbow Dash came to a stop next to her, shaking out her hands. “Super Speed doesn’t help if punching them feels like punching a rock.”

“Yeah, I really wish Maud was here now.” Pinkie pushed her arm up to the elbow into her pocket, grimacing. “Speaking of Pies, I’m running kinda low on ammunition.”

“I’m not feeling so good either, to be quite frank.” Rarity winced as another ball of misty shadows slammed into her summoned diamonds. “This is starting to be quite a strain.”

“I-I’m sorry I couldn’t be much help.” Fluttershy whimpered, hiding behind her. “There just aren’t any big animals around that could help us, and I wouldn’t want to send my bird and squirrel friends against those… those meanies.”

Sunset shook her head. “Don’t feel bad, Fluttershy. It’s not like my power is any more help to us.” She frowned, looking at the slowly approaching mass of shades again and backing up almost against the statue. “Come on, where…”

Her mutterings were drowned out by the roar of a motor coming closer fast, and before anyone could react a black sports car plowed across the front line of the shades, flinging several of them through the air and into the rest. It performed three quarters of a turn as it slid across the courtyard before coming to a stop at the far end.

There was a short moment of quiet as the shades pulled back to regroup, and both sides watched the two agents step out of the car. Chrysalis walked around to its front with deliberate slowness and smirked at the imprints left in the hood by the shades. “Told you I could make a dent in this thing.”

“I never doubted you on that. It was the whole reason I didn't want you driving my car… do you have any idea how hard it is to get dents out of an armored chassis?” Tirek grumbled and stepped up to the Rainbooms, giving Sunset a short nod. “Status?”

Sunset blinked, then scrambled to answer. “The school's soccer team won the state championship. Turns out the cup was an ancient prison for the Umbrum and being this close to the portal weakened the seals. Now they're trying to get back to Equestria and we can't let them.” She winced. “They're, uhm, mostly made from crystal and dark magic, so we kinda haven't been able to do much against them. We would use the Elements of Harmony, but there's still stragglers coming out of the school and we don't really get a second shot with those. I don't think they're designed for large groups.”

Chrysalis tilted her head with a confused look. “Elements of Harmony?”

Tirek snorted. “The Flower Power.”

“Oooh, sorry.” Chrysalis nodded, looking not the least bit apologetic.

Rainbow quickly raised her hand. “Everyone in favor of never ever calling the magical friendship beam ‘Flower Power’ again say aye.”

“Aye!” Sunset and Applejack raised their hands just as quickly.

“Everyone in favor of rebranding the magical friendship beam to ‘Flower Power’ say aye.” Rarity shot an apologetic glance at Rainbow Dash. “It’s nothing personal darling, I just find that sometimes you need to change things up if you want to stay in the trends. We’ve been calling it the friendship beam for almost a year now.”

“Aye!” Fluttershy nervously raised her hand, but Pinkie more than made up for the shy girl’s lack of confidence.

Sunset crossed her arms. “Well, I’m afraid the name stays as it is.”

“Now, darling…” Rarity pouted. “That was clearly a draw, and we haven’t heard what Twilight thinks about-”

She cut off as Sunset leveled a dry glare at her. “Rarity, I have taken over the school for lesser reasons than this. Please don’t ruin the nice pretense of democracy we’ve got going here.”

“Uhm, girls?” Twilight nervously raised her hand. “Shouldn’t we focus on the bigger problem here?”

Everyone turned to look at the Umbrum, several of which were charging up shadow magic and forming them into orbs.

“That’s not good.” Rarity took a step back. “They only ever threw one or two at a time before, and I already had enough problems with just those.”

“They probably didn’t want to destroy the portal by accident, but maybe now they figure there’s enough targets in between to soak up any truly damaging magic.” Tirek frowned and took a step forward, hesitated and glanced over at his partner.

Chrysalis gave a wry smile. “Don’t worry, you know I’m always there to give you a good beatdown when it goes to your head.”

Tirek nodded, then turned his attention back to the Umbrum and started to take slow, deep breaths. The Rainbooms started to huddle behind him as several of the Umbrum let their spells fly, heading straight towards them.

Tirek narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath, the spells visibly slowing down and arching towards his head. They began to swirl around each other, slowing down more the closer they got and shrinking as streams of magic were pulled from them and into Tirek’s mouth. The agent slowly started to grow, his whole body glowing faintly and his suit growing along as he gained a foot in height, then another, his body filling out with muscles big enough to be the envy of most bodybuilders. His eyes turned a deep black, his pupils yellow dots in the darkness as the last of the spells were sucked into his mouth. He swayed a little, then flexed his arms and grinned down at the Umbrum menacingly. “Anyone else care to test their magic against me?”

Chrysalis grinned at the wide-eyed girls. “Don’t worry, he’s still on our side.” She winced as her partner let out a deep roar and smashed one of the Umbrum through the stones the courtyard was laid out with. “Mostly, at least. I’m pretty sure he’s stable.”

Applejack looked from her to the rampaging monster and back. “...and if he ain’t?”

“Then you still got me, of course.” Chrysalis smirked and closed her eyes, moving a hand up to brush her fingers over the scarab attached to her choker. The insect’s silver wings fluttered and opened up to reveal a softly glowing emerald underneath. She lowered her arms at her sides and slowly turned around to face the school, opening her eyes just as her fists burst into green flames.

“Whoa! So, what, you’re like that Iron Fist guy from the comics?” Rainbow watched her with a mix of awe and scepticism. “I mean, that’s pretty awesome for a superpower but I don’t think it’s quite as awesome as superspeed.”

Chrysalis glanced back and smirked. “I told you we’d take care of this, didn’t I? This is just me getting warmed up.” She took a deep breath and focused on the crowd of Umbrum in front of her, the smirk slowly growing into a grin.

“You see, that scarab gets its power by feeding on love.” Her grin grew another inch. “Sounds lame and cheesy, doesn’t it? Well, there’s one thing most people don’t consider. There’s something of a feedback loop, you know.”

The flames around her fists dimmed slightly before roaring to life, covering her whole body like a burning aura, her grin turning crazed as she jumped several feet into the air and right into the crowd of Umbrum, fist drawn back.

“I FUCKING LOVE BLOWING SHIT UP!”

Rarity winced at the resulting crash and explosion, unable to quite look away from the train wrecker in motion. “...Sunset, who did you say these people were again?”

Sunset was staring as well, not quite sure yet whether to be horrified or envious of the madly cackling woman. “...Canterlot’s assigned protectors against runaway magic and the supernatural. So, you know… the best of the best, I assume.”

Twilight nodded, pulling out her phone and calling up the document with the last version of her will and beginning to make some updates, without ever tearing her eyes away from the fight.

“...we’re doomed, aren’t we?”

Author's Note

S.M.I.L.E. agents Agent Cassidy Katsuki and Agent Butchered "Butch" Name (the latter of whom may or may not be related to one File CH#17 Wallflower Blush) are not and never were affiliated with any criminal organizations that steal or poach mythical creatures for their own ends.

The plan for this story was to write a few short, funny scenes across the EQG timeline. As you may have noticed, nine pages in I still hadn't reached the start of the second movie.

Edit: If this story does well, I might add a prequel/origin chapter for it. So make sure to fave it so you get notified, and spread the word.

And yes, I will definitely be calling it something stupid like "Bugmare Begins".