One Does Not Just Wander Into the Canterlot Club
“Name, please?”
“OH MY GOSH! This is the most amazing of amazing places I have ever seen! The draperies, the wealth, that lovely little plinth in the corner! I am soooooo blown-over right now, I can’t even find words to describe it! I’ve always wanted to come in here, and now… I mean I never thought I’d regret it, but now I really won’t never ever regret it! Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I just can’t help it! The actual inside of the actual Equestrian Amalgamated Society for Entrepreneurs is like my fillyhood dream palace! O.M.G., O.M.G., O.M.G.!”
The receptionist carefully wiped some spittle off her own cheek. “Name, please?”
“Oh yeah. Sorry. I just get so – Ahem, I mean: Sunshine Smiles. THE Sunshine Smiles of Sunshine Smiles Shop of Sorcery, maybe you’ve heard about it, I can’t wait to –”
“Badge.”
“Hm? Sorry?”
The receptionist tapped a box right next to her on the desk. “Your visitor’s badge.”
“Right. Sorry. Anyway… Um… Thanks, thanks again for the lovely chat, ‘kay I love you all, bye.”
She got six steps before the receptionist coughed meaningfully.
“Sorry? What?” said Sunshine.
“Badge.”
“Oh, right. Forgot. So nervous. O.M.G., and all that, haha!”
“Yes.”
On passing through the main doors to the Grand Hall, Sunshine briefly wondered if there was something a little off about the receptionist’s smile. In the end, she dismissed it. Where was the harm in a little smile?
Anyway, that little grumble went clean out of her mind as soon as she entered the ice globe of a palace, the Grand Hall itself. A filly in a candy shop, Sunshine walked along the wall of portraits looking for favourites, through the crowd of tables silently boasting the best delicacies, and under the crystal chandelier whispering: you too can be as magnificent as me. Feast upon my mighty works, ye stranger, and taste the sweetness.
And that was just the place! The ponies! The ponies!
There was Sassy Saddles, representative of the refined retailer’s, Canterlot Carousel! There was Coriander Cumin, hearty host of the top-of-the-hot-spot The Tasty Treat! And… whoa! Cinnamon Chai of Cinnamon Chai’s Tea and Cake Shop, only the most quietly awesome quaint little meeting place for academics and perfectionists! They’d invented whole new theories of magic at her very tables, she was that prestigious!
So many stars sparkled in Sunshine Smiles’ eyes that she barely noticed where she was going –
“Whoa!” The stallion rounded on her. “Hey, watch it.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t paying –”
She blinked. But no… she’d seen that face so many times at the other side of a doughnut-sprinkled counter. He was here?
“Pony Joe?” she said. “I didn’t know you were in the Equestrian Amalgamated Society for Entrepreneurs.”
“Bit of a mouthful, kid,” he said. “For ease, just call it E.A.S.E., got it?”
“Yeah, sure. Um. Whatcha doin’ here, Joe?”
He glowered at her. “Waitin’ tables. What d’you think, genius?”
“Oh.” Sunshine realized why she was so surprised about this. After all, the Equestrian Amalgamated – er, E.A.S.E. – had a very strict entry policy, and one only had to hear Pony Joe speak to wonder how he’d met it.
His smirk was less terrible than his glower, but not by much. “Didn’t think I had it in me, did you?”
“Um…”
“Yeah, I’m in the club. Had to fight tooth-and-hoof to get in, but I did it. And on my own too.”
“Sorry about bumping into you. It’s just…”
“Ah relax, kid.” Pony Joe waved her into silence. “So long as I don’t have to look at another glum face, I don’t really care if yours bumps into mine.”
Very, very discreetly, Sunshine Smiles bobbed a curtsy and glanced at the other guests. She was aware of the concept of “decorum”, and her high-pitched voice drew a few glances of its own, if only because ponies were wondering why their glasses threatened to break.
Coughing apologetically, she said, with a less-high pitch, “Charmed to meet you. Er, um, what a dapper stallion you are, to be utterly sure, right, and, um…” Vainly, she tried to remember how the Canterlot ponies used to speak out and about. Years in the city, and she’d suddenly realized how much of that she’d spent talking at the top of her voice.
To her surprise, Pony Joe laughed and waved her into silence again. “I said relax, kid. A mare who can pack away sixteen Supersize Swirls can do what she likes, as far as I care.”
Sunshine boggled at the concept. “Relax? In a Canterlot place?”
“Treasure it, kid. Relaxation’s a million bits where I come from.”
“But I thought you had to act all la-di-da?”
“Er…” Pony Joe cast about for any eavesdroppers. “Not at casual get-togethers like this, kid.”
Sunshine cast about too. For the first time, she noticed the lack of smiles all around, and crouched amidst all the fancy suits and dresses that made her feel like a shabby housemaid in a drawing room of royals.
Or maybe, maybe, maybe this was indeed Canterlot-style relaxing, and it meant nothing more than everypony doing their own thing, even if they were a bit unimaginative? After all, why would old Joe lie?
So she freely whistled, and her old smile, never very far away, came bounding back like a puppy. She was learning trade secrets already. And frankly it was a relief to know that being at E.A.S.E. wasn’t much different from being at Pony Joe’s.
“Rad!” she said. “I was worried for a sec we’d have to do all that ‘goodness gracious me’ stuff. I stink at that. Moonlight’s the mare for it.”
“Yeah, she OK?”
“Top notch! She told me once she went to the Canterlot Garden Party? For fancy dress, like? And she got by just because she knew when to say her pleases and thank-yous and all that.”
“Huh. Fancy dress? What did she go as? A vampire?”
“That’s what makes it so impressive! She went with no clothes on!”
To her delight, Pony Joe erupted into a few belly laughs, exactly as if he were listening over the counter of that good old doughnut shop. This was even easier than she’d thought!
Unexpectedly, a few sharp looks and even sharper comments went their way.
“Not a stitch!?” Pony Joe wiped his eyes on the back of a sleeve. “At a fancy dress party? Heck! What bet did that mook have to lose this time to do that?”
“I bet her she wouldn’t do it in a million years. You know she can’t resist. It was totes embarrassing! – but soooooooooooo WORTH it! Just to see the blush on her face when she got back!”
Whereupon sheer mirth choked her and she almost stumbled with the laughter. It really was just like Doughnut Joe’s, only with more standing up.
Then she peered around him and noticed she was being watched. “Um! Like! Oh my gosh! Is that Prince Blueblood?”
Pony Joe followed her gaze, smile evaporating. “Ten out of ten for observation, kid.”
“But what’s he doing here? He’s not, like, you know, um…”
“The business type. Yeah.” Pony Joe grunted, and it was amazing how much cynicism he could pack into such a small sound. “Any other day, yeah, he’d be about as likely to work as a grasshopper on the dole. But you get one or two out-of-towner business ponies who make it big and still look good on the guest list – trust me, that’s a hard target to shoot at – and apparently, bein’ in business gets you noticed at the best parties.”
“Um…?”
“Prince Blueblood’s Royal Regalia Franchise.” Pony Joe leaned forwards and whispered, “Memorabilia of his Mightiness. Royal merchandise is a big thing, you know. Only don’t shove it in his face; he’s only doing it because royal monkey see, royal monkey do. Last thing he needs is someone reminding him this used to be stuff done by –” he broke away and spat “– common ponies.”
“Um…?”
Pony Joe frowned at her. “So what are you in for, Sunny?”
“Oh!” Having not followed the last few seconds of talk, Sunshine’s brain beamed at the sight of more familiar ground coming up. “I opened a new magic shop recently. It’s going to be, like, bee’s knees cat’s pyjamas animals’ outfit for any occasion total awesome!”
“Yeah? When did it open?”
She shouted at the top of her lungs. “It’s been open, like, forever!”
She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Yesterday! We only just moved all the enchanted stock onto the site! I had a gnarly time turning the novelty lights on. It’s got wicked magical sparkles, and when you open the door, a little bulb thingy sings the best pop songs –”
“Ah,” said Pony Joe, looking around. He suddenly seemed very twitchy.
“Ah what?”
“When you say yesterday…”
“Um, yeah?” Sunshine beamed more widely.
“…you really mean like one year ago yesterday, yeah?”
Brief puzzlement blanked her face. Then she cocked her head.
“I mean, like, yesterday yesterday. It’s totes legit. Um. I got the tenancy agreement to prove it?”
To her alarm, he swore under his breath and leaned closer. “Kid, if I were you, I’d am-scray right this second before somepony less nice than me gets wind of this, you got me?”
“Am-scray?”
“Means ‘scram’ in sophisticated speak.”
“Scram? Me?” Sunshine drew herself up. “Why would I scram? This is totally my digs. Totes. Um. Anyway, if I wasn’t meant to be here, um, why would that reception chick let me in, Mister Pony Joe? Are you trying to tell me she made a mistake, wink wink?”
“It doesn’t work if you say it, kid. And nope. She doesn’t make mistakes. That’s what I’m worried about. Besides, she’s a sick and twisted mind with a boring job and petty pleasures. You put two and two together.”
Sunshine’s face struggled to process this. Why would a pony really pretend she hadn’t noticed a fiddling of the books? Surely only to be nice and give ponies like her a treat? Besides, Sunshine wasn’t sure what math had to do with it.
“Now seriously,” he continued, shepherding her towards the door. “For your own good, I suggest you hightail it while you still got a tail –”
“Leaving so soon, ah… Mister Joe?” said a cool voice behind him.
Sunshine peered round Joe’s considerable bulk to find herself facing the purity of a considerable hunk. Golden mane flowing around eyes like blue crocuses, easygoing smile lounging on his lips, a tuxedo tight across a king-sized chest, Prince Blueblood’s musk of sheer fairy tale manliness hit her like a royal parade at full speed down the freeway of the heart.
Any other mare might have risked instant swooning, but Sunshine bubbled so much that any fantasy coming in had to compete with about a dozen others.
“Holy sheep I kid you not!” she said. “I don’t wanna sound super-weird or anything, but I’m not gonna lie: I used to sleep with your picture under my pillow!”
“Naturally.” Prince Blueblood swished his mane and conjured up images of wild stallions running in slow-mo through verdant fields. “One gets that a lot.”
“Oh, I just thought: is it true you go to every Grand Galloping Gala? O.M.G., I don’t know how you do it! I’d be all, like, one’s enough, too much stress and strain, blah blah blah.”
Wincing slightly, Prince Blueblood continued, “Oh, noblesse oblige. When one has the prestige one does, one inevitably has one’s social duties. My royal line is used to such events.”
Pony Joe rolled his eyes.
“Now, remind one where you were taking this…” Blueblood granted Sunshine the beneficence of his smile. “Delightful young lady?”
“Just for some fresh air, Prince Blueblood,” said Pony Joe, contriving to make the “prince” sound like a much less reverent p-word. “Visiting relatives, she was. On her way home, and all. Nothing against the group’s statutes, you know.”
“Really,” said Blueblood, contriving to make the word stand-in for his thoughts on Pony Joe’s use of the word “prince”. “One is most intrigued. To whom are you related, Madam… Mademoiselle…” His lips squirmed. “Lady…?”
“Oh, just call me Sunshine.” She flapped a hoof cheerfully. “Pony Joe’s just being weird. I’m a total entrepreneur.”
“One sees, but one is nonetheless curious. After all, one knows everything there is to know about one’s trendsetting society, and one has to admit one has not encountered a ‘Sunshine’ prior to now.”
“Whoa, that’s a lot of ones.” Sunshine wondered if this was what Joe had meant with that math stuff.
“One must keep up the standard.” Blueblood cast Pony Joe a sidelong glare before continuing, “But of course, you meet the society’s requirements, one takes it? After all, if one is going to be the pony everypony looks up to, one must make it obvious even to the common eye that one is leading and not being led.”
“Um…”
“After all,” Blueblood ploughed on, and Sunshine saw the romantic reverie start to melt around him as his small smile became a smirk, “one cannot simply allow any young hopeful to come along and tarnish one’s elegant if extremely recently established establishment. For instance, by attending without a business older than one year?”
“Uh…” Sunshine blinked.
“And certainly, certainly not by registering oneself regardless as older than one year, in spite of the rather stringent requirements? After all, one would have to be very foolish to try and pull the wool over the eyes of our most esteemed auditors.”
“Well…” Sunshine swallowed. Strange things were happening inside her stomach, and she found it hard to smile properly while they went on.
“Since that would reflect rather badly on oneself. In any eventuality, one does not want to be confused with those ‘anything goes’ ruffians who barely last a year.” He gave Pony Joe another sidelong glare before smirking at Sunshine. “A tasteful and discreet exit would serve you well at this juncture, Lady Sunshine.”
The dream, having slowly dissolved under the acid speech, evaporated, and was a vanishing puff on the breeze.
Sunshine’s ears drooped. Her lip trembled.
“Um?” was all she could manage.
“Yes?” said Blueblood innocently.
“You… um… have a super nice jacket…?”
Bubbling with enthusiasm, he said, “Thank you! I had this specially tailored by one Sassy Saddles of Canterlot Carousel. My own design, of course.”
“Can’t I stay?” she pleaded.
The bubble burst. “No.”
“Please? Pretty please?”
“No.” He waved a hoof airily at the door. “Do not tempt me to summon security! It rather ruins the ambulance.”
“Ambiance,” Sunshine corrected under her breath. A bit of venom spat out of her voice: alien yet suddenly, strongly, definitely there. It couldn’t last long. She wouldn’t let it. But it was there for a moment.
“Thank you.” Blueblood pointed again more emphatically.
The venom subsided. Sunshine hurried out, hearing only Pony Joe murmur, “Sorry, kid.”
Once clear of the grand doors, however, she peered over her shoulder to get one last look at the Grand Hall, at those portraits and ponies and the perfect chandelier twinkling as stars. Her pride whimpered. So near and yet so far.
Nevertheless, she gritted her teeth. Venom dripped a bit at a time.
She’d had a taste of life in there. A taste! A sweet and heady taste that stormed through her inner world until even the bubbles danced. So near! So worth it! Perhaps she could wear a disguise next week? Set up a decoy business, or something? Oh if pressed, she’d say she didn’t want to go down that route, but the rest of her was giggling too much at the prospect to pay it much attention.
Once more she forced the venom down. It wasn’t very Sunshine of her. One rude comment here and there wasn’t very Sunshine of her. One nasty look or mean thought wasn’t very Sunshine of her. After all, the sun’s rays didn’t strike venom into ponies like this.
She tried thinking bright and warm and Sunshine-y thoughts. Maybe she could do it honestly next year? At the end of twelve long, boring, hope-dragging months of waiting? She sighed quietly at the thought. But, for now, this appetizer was all she needed, right? Though it would have been nice if she’d had a bit more than an appetizer to chew on.
“I’ll totally be back,” she said aloud. “Totally! You can’t keep a good pony down! And stuff!”
She stalked right past the receptionist and down to the entrance hall and the doorway back into her normal life, all while not letting herself look behind her. She was through the intermediate archway already.
“Hey, kid! Wait a sec!” Joe shouted from behind.
Surprised, she turned around to see Pony Joe almost collide with her in his haste. Patiently, she waited for the puffing and panting to stop.
“Er, hi?” Sunshine Smiles cocked her head curiously.
“Look.” Pony Joe smoothed down the creases on his front. “Don’t take His Royal Flyness too hard, ‘kay? We’re not all like him. If you are seriously up for this thing, I could give your business a leg up? I always keep an eye out for the underdog.”
“Nah, thanks,” she said more breezily than she felt, and wondering whether he’d kinda insulted her with that underdog bit. “Anyway, um, I know how to run a business.”
“You do?”
There was a little too much surprise in the way he said it. “Oh yeah,” she said haughtily. “I studied from the best.”
“Er… how?”
“I watched how the other businessponies did it! Rarity and that stuff. It’s totally up my alley.”
“Ah,” said Pony Joe, whose unsmiling face became a lot more unsmiling.
“So long as you’re nice to ponies and let customers come to you when they want you, you’re stellar!”
There was a thoughtful pause, though on Sunshine’s side it mostly consisted of thinking, Why’s he gone all quiet? Um?
Flatly, Pony Joe said, “Being nice.”
“Right on!”
“And letting customers come when they want.”
“You got it!”
“Uh huh. And business school to you was…?”
Sunshine watched his lips move. Of course, she knew what a business was, and she knew what a school was, but the union of the two nouns in this manner had not hitherto occurred to her. Gamely, she spent a while trying to match these two mismatched pieces of jigsaw together in her brain.
“Um…?” she said, by way of seeking a clue.
Pony Joe sighed. “OK, so you’ve got what we’ll call the basics down. What do you know about pricing?”
“Like the amount of money needed to buy products?”
“Not a bad start,” said Pony Joe. “So? What do you know about pricing?”
“Er… It’s the amount of money needed to buy products.”
Sunshine offered a little smile. The way his face had just glazed over was starting to make her feel like she needed that smile. For comfort.
“Nothing else?” he tried.
“You write it on the price tags?” she tried.
“Nothing about supply and demand? Manufacturing costs? Negotiatin’ with suppliers in a competitive buyer’s market?”
Blank look.
He tried again. “How about product promotion? You advertise?”
“Yeah, I told all my friends about it!”
“Anyone else?”
Puzzled, she gave him a confused look. “And my uncle?”
“Yeah. Anyone else?”
“Uh… and, uh… you? Just now?”
Pony Joe rolled his eyes. “Where’s your shop? Close to a common customer hotspot?”
“Oh, my uncle lent it to me yesterday. I’ve got the tenancy agreement and everything!”
“Is it close to a common customer hotspot, I said?”
“Er…” Sunshine looked panicky. It dawned on her she wasn’t making him smile yet.
“You have ponies, right? Representing the business? Employees?”
“Er… my friend Moonlight?”
“What does she do?”
“She comes in and says hi.”
“You have ambiance, mood, the right environment?”
“Does smiling and being nice count?”
“What about your competition? Know the competition?”
“Competition – Wha?”
“What differentiates your product from the competition?”
“Erm, er, um… because I’m the one selling it, right?”
“Warranties?”
“I think the home’s insured, yeah.”
“After-sales service?”
“A smile?”
“Packaging?”
“I offer gift-wrap and a smile?”
“I meant for protection.”
“Like insurance?”
Pony Joe’s lips moved in silent calculation while he stared up at the ceiling. Eventually, he stretched something like a smile across his face.
“Uh, well done, kid,” he said brusquely. “So by my reckonin’, you’re about one-fifteenth of the way there.”
Sunshine beamed at him with all her might. One-fifteenth! And after only one day too!
With a flick, Pony Joe’s hoof was up and holding out a small piece of paper. “It’s my card, kid. Take it. You want help the rest of the way, you talk to me, ‘kay? Can’t promise no miracles, but I know a thing or two about the Canterlot scene. Everyone starts out at the bottom.”
“Wow! Even Prince Blueblood?”
“Well, nearly everyone then.” He winked at her. “Good luck with your business venture, whatever the hay it is. Nice to see a businesspony who can smile.”
“Oh, I’m sure lots of businessponies smile. I can see them from here through the door!”
“I meant smile and mean it.”
Sunshine almost cracked her face with the sudden pressure of the compliment. “O.M.G.! I can’t believe I’m being complimented by the famous Businesspony Pony Joe! This is, like, heaven!”
A twitch threatened to smile at her from the corners of his mouth. “Yeah yeah yeah. Sure, kid. Just do me a favour?”
“Anything, Mister Joe!”
“Don’t try fiddlin’ with the books again. You’re doing this honestly, ‘kay?”
“Kay! One-hundred-and-ten-percent kay, Mister Joe!”
He nodded and then turned towards the Grand Hall, shoulders set, jaw jutting. Then he turned back again. He whispered something. Then he went in as though diving into a lake.
Sunshine frowned for a moment. She would never have guessed Mister Joe was religious. Otherwise she wasn’t sure why he’d say, “Pray for me.” And he’d sounded really devout when he’d said it, too.
Anyway, it sounded like fun in there. Someone had just laughed. Falsely, true, but perhaps this was just a lull in the conversation and they’d laugh properly once she left?
Ah well. Till then, one year of businessing to do!
She was totally gonna give him a call. Something was starting to tell her bubbly brain that smiling a lot was not, in fact, the answer to every question. But she was officially a businesspony. Joe had said so. That meant she was in a club. Of sorts. Good enough for her!
On her way out, she remembered and hurried over to the receptionist. She’d almost walked out with the visitor’s badge. And one does not leave without leaving one’s compliments, she thought. Canterlot Businesspony that she was.
