Pimp My Dream

Princess Luna used her magic to roll up the toothpaste tube, hoping to get the last little squeeze out. When nothing came of it despite all of her pushing, she scowled, cutting it open with a pair of scissors and scooping the last bits of paste out onto her brush.

Honestly, being poor was no fun.

Luna cut down to one brush a day if only to preserve bits after realising that between her and Celestia, the two of them were only managing to afford the bare necessities anymore. Equestria was constantly growing and expanding, and the royal treasury had seemed the best way to keep the country afloat.

Luna set down her six thousand bit prototype self-spinning toothbrush, spitting out the last of the paste. For some reason she couldn't quite grasp, the treasury had been pretty well depleted soon after she returned.

Luna went to dress up in her regalia, then remembered that it had already been pawned, including the crown. Sighing, she teleported downstairs into the kitchen, where Celestia was in the process of making breakfast. Usually that would be left to one of the castle chefs, of course, but they'd had to make nearly all of them redundant in the last two months.

They also didn't usually eat instant noodles for breakfast, but hard times, right?

"Good morning, sister," Luna force-smiled, sitting at their smaller and more battered than usual kitchen table and stretching her limbs. "How did you sleep last night?"

"Wonderfully, once I learned to ignore the springs in my 'new' mattress." Celestia sounded weathered and worn, as if she was about to faint at any moment and just let the day bury her. "Honestly, Luna, I didn't think you'd ever be able to make me as livid as Nightmare Moon once did, but you've cut it close recently. I found another of your... purchases recently. I'm in the process of finding it a buyer."

Luna attempted to keep her face level, but she felt her heart skip a beat nonetheless. "Wh-what did you find, sister?"

Celestia simply lit her horn. Above her, an object materialised that brought Luna many fond memories. And Celestia wanted to sell it.

"No, Tia! Not that!" Luna pleaded, leaping from her seat and practically grovelling at the floor beneath her sister. "It reminds me of the imperceptible pass of time between our childhood and my return... an object I might have once enjoyed, created only now for my amusement!" Luna lifted her hoof like a cat, swiping and batting at the object in Celestia's aura. "Also, look how it twirls and catches the light!"

"Luna, you do not need a diamond encrusted fidget spinner. You're not two hundred anymore. We're selling it, and that's final."

"But it was limited edition!" Luna pouted with a petulant flick of her tail. Her ears folded back, eyes narrowing into a glare. "Why are you so mean?!"

"Because your frivolous and extravagant spending have made us the poorest rulers since Discord, and he didn't believe in money!"

"...you're just mad that you didn't get a fidget spinner," Luna grumbled.

"That isn't relevant," Celestia countered in a way that revealed absolutely nothing. She seemed to be rather exasperated, which was only exemplified by the rough and forceful motions with which she dumped the freshly cooked noodles into their bowls before place-slamming them onto the table. "Eat. Get your strength up."

Luna was getting sick of noodles for breakfast. She was getting equally sick of noodles for lunch, and the occasional noodles for dinner. "I understand that we're in a rather poor financial situation—"

"Because of you."

Luna sighed. "Yes, because of me... but this feels absurd. Is it really necessary for us to cut back our spending to this degree in order to build up the treasury again? How much longer must I endure the life of an indebted magic student?"

"I was going over the numbers with one of our remaining accountants last night and..." Celestia did a quick mental calculation, or perhaps recollection. "If we're looking for Equestria to return to prosperity and replenish the treasury naturally through taxes, it could be up to twenty years."

Luna almost choked on her piping hot noodles. "Twenty years?! Celestia, I can barely handle two months of this, I'd rather go back to the moon for another millennia than continue to live like this for the next two decades!"

"Well, that would allow us to significantly cut down on spending..."

"I wasn't serious! How could you be considering it?!"

For the first time in what felt like days, Celestia cracked a grin. "I'm not really, but you are part of the reason we're in this mess. By the way, that twenty years is assuming we continue to find and sell whatever other extravagances of yours we can get our hooves on, it could be more otherwise."

Luna considered her rapidly diminishing collection of possessions and quickly fought back tears. "Surely there's some other alternative to this living hell? Something else we can do to replenish our funds... I don't think I can say goodbye to anything else."

"I know how you feel," Celestia nodded glumly between sip-bites of her noodles. "I was rather sad to sell my horseshoes. Those were almost as old as my title of princess, as were your own." Celestia looked down to her bare hooves, then back up at Luna. "I almost feel naked without them, lighter than I should. My steps don't make the same sound that I'm so used to."

"And I very much miss my empress sized supreme comfort waterbed." Luna neglected to remind Celestia of the fact that she'd insisted it be filled with liquid silver, it sounded so much more understated this way.

For some reason, Celestia still found it necessary to groan and rub her eyes with a hoof. "Yes, that too." Celestia finished her bowl in the least mare-like manner Luna could imagine, lifting it to her lips and tipping it, slurping up the remains. "The good thing about this meal is that it provides both calories and hydration at the same time. It's just a shame it's so..."

"Tasteless?" Luna offered, considering it a mild adjective.

"I was going to go with bland..." Celestia rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter. Honestly, I envy you, in a sense. At least in your dreams, you can conjure up your bedroom as it used to be, all of your old possessions and toys, and play with them as you see fit. I have no such control of where my slumber takes me."

Luna thought over her sister's words. It was true that she could do just as much easily, almost too easily. It wasn't exactly the real thing, but it felt so close to it that she could scarcely tell the difference while she was still sleeping. Moreover, another thought was plaguing her. "We need to brainstorm, Celestia. We have two of the finest minds in Equestria, I'm sure if we brought in Twilight too, we could work out some kind of solution to generating extra income."

Celestia shook her head. "First of all, there's no way I'm involving Twilight. She respects me above anything, I won't have her seeing me live like this. Besides, it isn't her job to sort out our messes."

"What about every time that Equestria is in danger?"

"That's different," Celestia glared. "Besides, it isn't as if we have any form of backup professions. All we've even been is rulers, and your style of music hasn't been popular since the 860's, so don't consider attempting to produce an album." Celestia stopped speaking then, and Luna grew worried that she was considering selling her keytaur next.

"We still have things we are good at!" Luna announced, mainly in an attempt to distract Celestia. "We... we're both wonderful speakers, we could be lawyers, or salesponies!"

"That wouldn't work either. It doesn't matter what we want to do, we have to keep to our daily tasks. Equestria's upkeep matters more than our personal comforts. If we were to do anything on the side to make money, it would have to be something we could do whilst working that didn't require any startup, upkeep, or investment on our parts."

"And we can't borrow money either?"

"Not since you ruined my credit rating," Celestia grimaced.

Luna finished clearing her bowl, levitating it over the sink with Celestia's and beginning to run a tap, grabbing a scourer. "Alright, so something you can do in the midst of your meetings and day court, or something I can do whilst patrolling the dreamscape." Luna sighed, being sure to use only the tiniest amount of liquid to clean the bowls. "I suppose that narrows our options significantly."

"Now do you see why I say that it would be easier for us to simply wait things out? We can save for a few years, and then begin to return to a semblance of normalcy once we've put enough away. Anything else would involve spending time that we simply do not have."

Luna scoured her brain as heavily as she did the bowls, considering what she might be able to do to solve their current crisis. As much as she was reluctant to admit responsibility, she supposed the six or seven figure spending on her part might have contributed slightly to their current state of affairs. It was only right of her to attempt to find them a way out of this.

That, and she couldn't bare the thought of losing her jumbo-sized lava lamp, which she'd been hiding from Celestia for weeks. It was just so pretty, after all. Part of the whole situation made her want to go and hide in her dreams for a day or a thousand.

And then it occurred to her, as clear as night. When she was feeling upset, lonely, or bored, her dreams were her solace. She had the unique privilege of being able to structure them however she wanted, of being able to share in the dreams of others or mold them however she wanted or needed to. She often used it to dispel nightmares, to improve the quality of others' subconscious experiences, but only now was it dawning to her that the possibilities of such a skill were almost endless.

"Celestia..." Luna turned to her, placing the bowls on the rack, and got a tired 'mmh?' in response. "Hear me out. I might have something."

"I swear, Luna, if you've been holding out a fifty thousand bit collector's item on me, I'm going to be so pissed."

Luna's cheeks reddened. "That isn't relevant. What is is that I've had an idea." Luna took a step forwards, using her horn to illuminate a mental picture of the dreamscape. "You've said it yourself, I'm able to make myself and other ponies dream whatever they want... what if I could find a way to monetise that?"

Celestia tilted her head slowly, taking her words in. "Luna, you're the guardian of dreams. Wouldn't using your powers to make bits be a little unethical?"

"Other ponies use their special talents to generate an income all the time! Why should we be any different? It's not as if I'd be charging for the things that I already do, after all!"

"...alright, you have me there. I'm intrigued, how would you go about it?"

"Quite simply, I'd offer ponies the opportunity to dream things that they've always wished to experience. Rather than just giving them a simple, calming dream, I'd allow them the chance to have complex, specific scenarios, whatever they desire in their fantasies or imaginations. So long as they're willing to pay, of course."

Celestia bit her lip at that, looking as if she was seriously mulling it over. "What if ponies ask you for things that are intimate, Luna? Would you honestly feel comfortable facilitating some of our subjects' more depraved interests?"

"I expect many of them will!" Luna replied, possibly sounding a little more enthusiastic than she should've. "Honestly, it sounds fascinating. It wouldn't be much of a fantasy service if ponies were unable to receive exactly what they were looking for, now, would it? If that means I have to give them myself in lingerie, so be it."

"Luna!" Celestia blanched, somehow becoming whiter than usual. "You are a princess of Equestria, you cannot offer yourself up to our subjects like a... a..."

"A what? I'm not really going to be doing anything with anyone, sister. It's all theatre of the mind! Fantasy is reality, and all of that. Let me try it! It might turn out that this is the solution to our money troubles after all."

"...fine, but I'm still selling your fidget spinner."

"Not if I make five thousand bits tonight!" Luna jeered, reaching forwards and booping Celestia on the nose before attempting to once again snatch it out of her magic's grasp, where Celestia had been unconsciously spinning it the entire time.

Celestia's eyes widened. "Five thousand? That's setting your targets a little high, isn't it?"

"You underestimate my stamina, Tia. I can sleep for a long time. Besides, I'm sure a lot of ponies, and maybe even creatures from other dimensions, would pay good money to 'dream' with a princess..."

For the sake of Luna's lava lamp, they'd have to. Now, to work out how the heck she was going to set up this business and get herself to work.