The Closet of Unrequited Love (Extended)

by MrNumbers

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2560

Rarity yearns for a love that can never be. It's quite silly, really.

A one shot in as many parts as people keep asking me for until I run out of ideas because this is, decidedly, far too much fun to write

Rarity pines for a love that she knows can never be, for they, they will be shunned, cast away, humiliated and-

-And Sweetie Belle wishes she'd just stop buckin' DOIN' that.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-07 02:11:22 UTC

The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as creepy

The smell of burning sulphur filled the air as the unicorn lit the last candle. The light of one should have been enough, but not for her. Burning wicks filled the tiny room as melted wax dribbled down the base of nearly two dozen candles of the purest white.

The almost sickly glow of the shrine smelled vaguely of lavender and roses, the strongly scented candles masking the usual acrid smell of smoke.

Rarity took a step back to admire the shrine to her true, unrequited love.

Oh, if only he could ever know my true feelings for him, Rarity mourned, so dashing, so courteous... My real Prince Charming...

Rarity broke from her usual internal monologue to fall to her, er, knees (elbows?) and wail as dramatically as  she possibly could.

Rarity had a lot of practice at this, of course, her, erm, knees had practically worn grooves into the floor at this spot. So wailing dramatically as possible was quite dramatic indeed. If being dramatic were a kingdom she would definitely be one of the higher ranking monarchs. At least a duchess.

“Oh, why, why must our love never be, my sweet!” Rarity broke off to lock eyes with him, or at least as good of a portrait of him as she could hang in her Cupboard Of Unrequited Love.

“I know you would feel the same towards me, but alas! We are never to be! We are too different, the shame, the scandal, the judgement! Why, why must you make it so hard for me to not show my true feelings for you?"

The unicorn managed to polish some dust off the lone gem in the centre of the C.O.U.L, one gem too beautiful and precious to ever use on any dress, without looking up from the growing puddle on the wooden floor of her bedroom.

Magic was good for dramatic flourishes like that.

Rarity sighed as the puddle of tears before her finally grew deep enough to reflect one of the most dashing items of his that she happened to possess. There were so few stallions out there that could pull off facial hair, but he was no mere stallion...

“Oh, Spikey Wikey” Rarity caterwauled, gazing longingly at Spike's glorious mustache hung elegantly from the wall, or as elegantly as one can hang facial hair, “Why must our love never be?! Oh, it would be bliss at first but people would grow to stare, to curse us, to tear us apart merely for being pony and dragon and although I, oh I, my dear Spikey Wikey could look past that, what of the Canterlot Elite? The Princess! Why, even Twilight Sparkle would surely conspire against us!”

The heart shaped gem that she had worn was sitting upon its plush velvet perch in the centre of the C.O.U.L as always. Encased in its shimmering golden casing it caused the flickering candle light to dance off it from all angles. The small room was shimmering with a luscious, eerie red shifting sheen.

The beautiful display always reminded her that her affection could always be returned, in kind, would she let it, were they not-

“Sorry to interrupt your 'special alone time' Rarity,” Sweetie Belle dead-panned, head slumped in hoof, “I just need to grab my bag, promise. Then I'll be out of your mane-”

As fast as equinely possible.

Rarity's head snapped up with a scowl, still visible through the black veil she always wore when she  got like this. At least she didn't have that dumb white gown on this time. Most of the time she was like this she always wore this frou-frou white lacy-

Oh, Luna... Not this again.

“Ooooouuuuuuuut!” Rarity hissed, horn and eyes flashing darkly. Sweetie could swear she saw the Heart gem flash to a much grimmer red but that was almost, most likely, definitely her imagination.

She hoped.

The filly quickly scooped up her small saddlebags, her sister's eyes boring into her the whole time, and galloped out of the room, away from that creepy shrine of hers.

Why can't my sister just come out of the closet like most normal ponies?

Oh, Spike, don't you see, *they, they would keep us apart, they would never **truly understand...*

Sweetie ran as fast as her scrawny little legs would carry her.

“Man, Sisters sure are weird.”

“Shucks, Sweetie Belle, at least yours only has that dang closet. A.J has that whole 'Git-Outhouse' of hers dedicated to,” Apple Bloom gagged, “Her darlin' egghead.”

“Oh, surely such a sophist-a-macated. inta-lectcha-whatsit like Twilight would never go fer some plain ol' farm girl lah'k me...” Applebloom did her best imitation of her sister in one of her 'moods'.

“Yeah, well, at least Applejack doesn't have to get up in all that goofy, er, get-up!”

“Sweetie Belle... She sits in there and reads. Books. Books without pictures.”

They all fell silent.

“Wow,” Scootaloo said, simply. “Just, wow.”

“Eeyup.”

"No pictures?! Even if your sister's got it bad for 'Twilightlicious' that's just... Crazy?!"

“Yeah, hehe, adults are weird right?” Scootaloo laughed awkwardly, blushing slightly, “Glad we totally don't do anything creepy like that. Now, come on, aren't we supposed to be trying for our golfing cutie marks today!”

CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, BALL CLUBBERS!

“Yeah, you girls go out ahead, I'll see you outside!”

As Sweetie and Applebloom trotted outside Scootaloo picked up her duffel bag, filled with the various clubs they'd need today, like a nine iron and a sandwich. She didn't know what sandwiches had to do with clubbin' balls but apparently they were important of they got stuck in a trap.

Behind the bag was a firefly in a jar.

Lifting it up she opened the small compartment at the back of the clubhouse, filled with posters and autographed pictures of the fastest filly flyer in all of Equestria, the best Playmare centrefold of the past decade and the greatest hero Ponyville would ever know. Even better, it was the same pony.

Maybe... Maybe if I get a cool cutie mark too... Maybe then she'll like me.

“You comin' Scootaloo!”

“Oh, right! Yeah!” An orange blur zipped out of the tree house, the practiced concussive force of her wings slamming shut the tiny little door. She had gotten pretty good at closing the door in a hurry.

Man, when Applebloom fixed up the treehouse who knew she could make the floorboards so quiet.

Two ponies and a dragon were lounging in the library, flicking through assorted books in the peaceful treehouse.

“Hey, guys,” Rainbow Dash glanced up from her latest issue of Maddest magazine, “You ever get that itchy feeling, like a shivery twitchy- I dunno? Like, you really, really wanna scratch the back of your head but you just can't reach?”

Twilight and Spike nodded.

“All the time, now, actually... Must be because Ponyville is so much closer to sea level, I think. Here, let me help.”

Twilight scratched Dash behind the ears with a bit of levitation.

“Never happened to us in Canterlot, but I've learned something since we moved here 'cause of it. Claws, Dash? Claws are the best. Hooves just don't quite cut it when you need to-” Spike started scratching his head around about the same spot that Twilight was rubbing on Dash with her magic.

“-Aaaahhhhhhhh.”

Spike's and Dash's eyes were scrunched shut and their mouths were twitching at odd angles. Spike was thumping one of his legs softly and Dash was leaning a little too far forward and drooling slightly. Twilight couldn't help but laugh.

Dash's eyes slammed open as she overbalanced, falling flat on her face. This caused Twilight to laugh even harder, earning her a withering glare from Dash.

The effect was ruined somewhat by her nose being smushed into the ground.

Twilight stopped short suddenly.

“Huh... You're right, now I'm itchy. Thanks a lot, guys.”

As all three started rubbing at the napes of their necks in various degrees of coordination three other voices from all over Ponyville spoke as one.

Someday...

in response, the library echoed in reply.

“Gah, make it stop!”

The library was deadly quiet for a few moments.

"Hey, Twilight, what's Rainbow Dash doing in this magazine under your bed? It looks like she's winning!"

"Spike... You're grounded."

Coming Out Of The Closet

Alt title: Dem Ponies be Cray Cray

"Er, Twilight?" Dash spoke flatly and without emotion, eyes were locked on the floor, her expression unreadable through the curtain that her fringe provided.

"...I can totally explain."

"Could you explain it to me then?" Spike murmured.

"Quiet, you! You're still grounded."

Spike grumbled and trudged down to the dark basement with his basket and blanket.

Both the remaining ponies tried to ignore the sound of Spike tripping and falling down the stairs. Spike didn't make it easy for them, but they could worry about that later.

"Oh, Dash, this must be so awkw-"

"Puh-lease, I don't give a buck about some dirty pictures. Hay, you should see some of the stuff Fluttershy writes about us! Actually, you really, really shouldn't, but that is totally besides the point. I think. I just didn't know you were into mares, egghead."

Twilight could finally see one thing below Dash's fringe. Normally it would have been a good sight, but she wasn't sure that she liked it under these circumstances.

Dash was sporting a positively diabolical grin.

Oh by the burning heat of Celestia's infinite libido, this cannot be good.

"Did you hear something?"

Three heads bobbed from beneath the blankets.

"Nothing princess?" the three voices spoke in unison.

Celestia pondered this for a moment.

"I swore I heard my name. You know what that means?"

"No, princess."

"It means you girls need to be a bit louder!"

"Yay!" a single pegasus replied before all of the impromptu harem dived back under the covers.

"Hmm, Luna's done well with you, after all."

"This fair maiden is one who shalt never sleep through our glorious nights, again!" Luna's voice was muffled by the duvet.

Celestia continued to munch popcorn from her luxurious voyeurism chair, the one chair in the palace more important and extravagant than even the throne itself.

"Hmm, I think I could use something sweet to go with all this..." Celestia gestured wildly between the popcorn and the blankets. "Could one of you go grab me something sweet from the kitchen, if you're not too busy? Maybe a cupcake, or a muffin or somet-"

A blonde grey blur shot out of the bed.

Twilight blushed profusely, partly out of embarrassment and partly out of what the other inhabitant in the room was behaving like.

Dash was like a lump of coal right now in many ways.

She was fiery hot, looking to Twilight with a look she could only describe as 'smouldering'.

Also Twilight had a feeling if she was lucky, she'd get given her on Hearth's Warming Eve.

But only if she was a very, very naughty girl.

Twilight took an unsteady gulp.

Errrr... No. No, this is all in my imagination. When a friend finds out you keep pornography of her hiding under your bed they do *not** proceed to give you a-* Twilight paused to consider what it was exactly that Dash was giving her.

"Twilight," Dash murmured, "Come hither."

Yep. That's it. So this obviously can't be happening because-  Wait, she said that out loud didn't she.

Oh by Luna's moon-rock hard icy nipples, this isn't all in my head.

"Err, Dash... Isn't this all going a bit fast?" Twilight backed away slowly.

"Err, Twi?" Rainbow replied with a cocked eyebrow, which, with Spike having left, was now the only thing in the room that was-

Nevermind.

"Who am I?"

Twilight sighed and gave a genuine smile, despite the fact this was playing out like a terrible porno filled with plotholes. Well, more than one kind of ploth-

Never. Mind.

"Rainbow Dash, Fastest pony in all Equestria."

"That's right, skippy-" Skippy? "-but I don't think I heard you clearly enough. Maybe you could try saying that again screaming into a pillow?"

Twilight clamped her mouth shut as she felt a thin bead of drool slowly escaping it.

Dash moved to pounce an-

CRACK-ASH!

The tinkle of falling glass was layered with the battle scream of a fluffy pink blur flying through the window.

"P-Pinkie?!" They both stammered.

Dash felt four hooves firmly grasp her as the pink streak took her by surprise, sending her and it rolling across the library floor, thankfully not over any glass.

That would have been a real mood killer.

Pinkie's eyes glowed a demonic red. Her mane was still curly, but smoke was coming from her ears.

Twilight couldn't help but back away. Rainbow couldn't help but be incredibly turned on.

"Stay away FROM MY DASHIE!

As Pinkie took Dash in a 'loving' embrace Dash's sense exploded with the taste of watermelon, spicy hot sauce, the smell of sugar and freshly baked cookies and the soft fuzziness of...

Well, of Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie is the usual benchmark of soft fuzziness, there's no real comparison.

The sensory explosion for being snogged for all she was worth disappeared as fast as it had arrived, replaced with a bright purple haze. It whipped across her vision and Dash heard a soft thump.

Twilight's eyes were glowing white.

Pinkie adjusted her purple bandana, blowing in an unseen breeze, that everyone had been far too distracted to notice until now.

"Hey," Dash called from her awkward spread eagle position on the floor, "purple's a good colour on you Pinkie."

"Thanks, Dashie!" Pinkie beamed at the compliment.

Twilight glared at Dash, effectively shutting her up. She was effectively a deer caught in Twilight's headlights.

Or eyelights, same difference.

"Oh! Wait! That reminds me~" Pinkie chirped and closed the distance between herself and Twilight.

"Dashie! Stay away from my TwiPie!" Pinkie screamed before snogging Twilight with a loud schlurp.

As Twilight's eyes widened in justifiable surprise Dash backed away slowly, scooting backwards on the floor, away from the disturbingly loud suction noises.

The front door exploded in a hail of shrapnel and splinters.

"Git the BUCK off my darlin'!

Oh, drown me in Celestia's sopping marehoo-

Celestia paused from licking a delicious muffin, as well as her baked good (echem), and was struck with inspiration for reasons she didn't quite understand.

Friendship with benefits reports, why didn't I think of it sooner.

Applejack bowled Twilight over and her world exploded again, this time in the scent of apples, sweat. Applejack was tight with muscle rippling against her-

Nevermind. ABORT TRAIN OF THOUGHT. ABORT.

Too late, she's just so HOT.

"Hey! AJ! Nerd babe there is mine!"

Twilight wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Yeah! Well, I coul' git Twilight off twice as good as you ever could!"

"Oh yeah, it is so on!"

"... Wait, what?!"

As two ponies dived on her in fierce determination another warcry came from the edge of the room.

"Hey! Not cool! You can't have a party without meeeeeeeeee~!"

And then three became four.

"Spike, dear, I know it's such a filthy habit, but have you got a light?"

Spike raised an eyebrow and gave a quick, contented sigh, doing two things at once.

Twilight would be proud.