Lesbians, the Universe, and Everything

Fifteen years later…

Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Twist, and Babs Seed—completely aged up and legal—sat huddled in a frost-covered cave, clad in military gear with post-apocalyptic armaments. While polishing their guns and rotating slabs of radroach meat over an open flame, they listened intently as a thoroughly-scarred Rainbow Dash with a mohawk, stitches, and two eyepatches sat proudly before them, orating a grandiose tale of yesteryear.

“And that’s how—by focusing too much on our horny filly-fooling desires—me and the Princess of Friendship totally bucked up the space-time continuum and allowed windigoes to wash over the whole of Equestria, forcing the denizens of our formerly glorious kingdom into an endless future war against flying snow horses!”

“Wow… that… uhm…” Babs Seed fidgeted where she sat, gnawing on a strip of radstag. “...sucks ass.”

Rainbow winked at her, although nopony could tell. “You have no idea.” She waved a hoof in the air. “Good thing I finally dumped that book-humping hussy! So now I can properly kick ass along with the whole lot of you chuckle-bucks!”

“What do you mean, you dumped her?” Sweetie Belle’s voice cracked.

Rainbow tilted her head in the mare’s direction. “Say that again, Scootaloo?”

“Actually, Scootaloo’s over there—”

“I’m telling you—I totally dumped Twilight’s fluffy butt!” Rainbow spat. “She was ruining my buzz!”

“But you never left her!” Apple Bloom said.

“Pffft. Sure thing, kid.”

“She’s telling the truth, Rainbow,” Scootaloo said, pointing. “You’re literally sitting on top of her!”

“On top of what-now?”

“You’re sitting your ass on Princess Twilight’s face right now!”

“... … …” Rainbow Dash tilted her head over her shoulder. She sniffed the air. Just inches away from her, a violet-streaked tail flicked as a muffled voice whimpered from beneath her plot. A few seconds passed, and Rainbow tilted her head in the direction of the legally-grown-up foals again. “Pffft. Fake news.”

CRASSSSSSSH!!! The wall of the ice cave burst apart, and a herd of wendigoes charged through. “PHUUUUUUUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“The enemy!” Twist whipped out a scimitar. “They’ve thwon themthelveth!!!”

“Oh here we go!” Rainbow Dash jumped up to her hooves with a devilish grin. “Let’s party, melon fucks!” And she flew straight east…

...and into a wall.

THUNK! “Fappo!”

(The End)