Twilight Sparkle vs Equestria

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 2062

It's just a normal, typical day... aside from Twilight flying into space to destroy Equestria. No biggie.

It's just a normal, typical day... aside from Twilight flying into space to destroy Equestria. No biggie.

A sequel to Twilight Sparkle vs Ponyville . Best to read that one first, basically. Or you may get slightly lost.

Picture credit LeraJack on DeviantArt.

Featured from 23-24 Jan 2019.

Published 2019-01-22 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-01-22 21:40:01 UTC

Twily Takes A Trip

It was official. The greatest triumph in equine history had finally been accomplished. Raising the Sun and Moon every day is chicken feed compared to this stunning achievement. Luna and Celestia, take a hike you hapless wannabes.

Clear your schedules, everypony. We have a ticker tape parade to organise, a big stage to set up for the ceremony and a huge medal to be hoofed over to a humble royal bibliophile.

Inform the mayor. Alert the media. This is history in the making, or herstory if you want to be pedantically politically correct.

Sick of me beating about the bush? Well, I'll have you know the moderately long intro to this story is so you, the reader, can absorb the full dramatic ramifications of just what our purplish pony pioneer has done. If I just cut to the chase, her unsurpassable feat wouldn't carry quite the same weight, would it?

You're welcome, ungrateful oiks. And if you had the smarts of Twilight, you'd know what that last word meant...

...Oops-a-daisy. I appear to have given away the identity of our intrepid intergalactic explorer a bit too soon... and now, I've unwittingly provided another clue as to her location. Darn me and my loose lips. Anyone got any tape?

Oh well, I suppose sufficient time has elapsed between my meandering attempts to set the scene. So let's all take a deep breath, scuttle towards the edge of our seats and set our faces to 'stunned', as I unveil the big announcement in full. (Drum roll please)

Princess Twilight Sparkle, former librarian, current teacher and perpetual worrier, has taken one small step for ponies, one giant leap for marekind. Or, something like that.

Yep, she's way up there, hovering in deepest space. Not just a quick flight away either, but at least a couple of light years from home. And she didn't even need to stop to use the bathroom en route! Talk about the power of friendshi... I mean, an indescribably durable bladder.

Surrounding by a tableau of stars and a few nondescript barren rocks, she's staring down at the planet of Equestria, which by now barely registers as a blip in the murky darkness.

There seems to be something weighing heavily on her mind though, considering the long furrow on her brow and the fact she appears to be mumbling unintelligibly to herself.

Perhaps she's missing home already, or she's just as confused as we are as to how she's able to breathe so easily in the furthest reaches of the galaxy without any kind of specialist equipment. Not to mention how she travelled so far so quickly...

Maybe it might be best not to dwell on her rampant homesickness or minor plot holes, and leave the alicorn to her own devices. That would be the moral thing to do, as well as allowing the author to escape scrutiny by any picky sci-fi nerds lingering nearby.

...On second thoughts, something called 'word count' is pushing me onward, and I'm sure your curiosity won't be sated until you find out just what Twilight's up to in the latest instalment of her wacky shenanigans!

Very well, but I hope you can all live with yourselves for invading her privacy. Let's pray that whatever happens, it'll be 'out of this world'!

...What?

You couldn't even pretend to find that joke funny?! You people make me sick, you really do. Not all of us can be Pinkie Pie, you know. If you need me, I'll be sulking on this meteor over there. Go on, eavesdrop on your precious Princess. It's not like you ever cared about me, anyway. Wait, I've changed my mind! Don't leave me alone, this thing is moving...

"Hmm, at this distance... the aspect ratio of a full-frontal blast from my horn at this precise distance should be magnified by the interstellar energy indigenous to space, resulting in an apocalyptic chain reaction throughout the galaxy. This would, in theory, lead to the total destruction of the planet known as 'Equestria', along with a few insignificant asteroids along the way no-one will miss. Speculative casualties are in the millions, if not billions, and then maybe I'll finally get some peace and quiet..."

W-What? Did you hear that?! She plans to destroy the world!! And I thought she went all the way out here to study the wonders of the universe! I-I can hardly believe it, but it's true! We must return to Equestria without a second to lose, to both organise the evacuation and so I can change my trousers. MAY CELESTIA AND LUNA, THE GREAT AND GOOD, GIVE US STRENGTH AND HOPE IN OUR TIME OF NEE...

"Hey, I thought I took care of you already!" Twilight snarled at the loquacious narrator, blowing up both him and the meteor upon which he perched with a single piercing shot. "There's enough natural gasbags up here as it is, without you bothering me! Now I'll have to start my calculations all over again: don't get me wrong, it's fun, but I am on sort of a strict schedule here. Anyway x = y, multiplied by the z..."

In space, no-one can hear you think. This is just as well, for if that was the case, Twilight's whirling brainwaves would've polluted the serenity of this galactic idyll forever.

As it stood though, after a few more minutes of advanced mental arithmetic which only the geekiest of bookworms could possibly comprehend, the procrastinating Princess thought she'd stumbled across a breakthrough. "... And then, once the resulting pulsar goes supernova, It's bye-bye to a constrictive life of royal protocol, and hello to sweet, sweet freedom! I can cast aside the shackles of responsibility, cut off the chains of accountability and at long last enjoy my well-earned retirement! It's gotten to the point now where everypony is so helpless, they request an audience with me just to unscrew a tight jar! That's why they must perish, lest they drag me to a stressful early grave. Now, where did I put my star chart..."

Rummaging around in her saddlebag to locate the blueprint from which she'd blast Equestria to smithereens, Twilight instead accidentally took out something quite different. It was a photograph of her grinning with the rest of the girls (plus Spike) just after Tirek's defeat, and as she stared at the familiar image in earnest, a few unwelcome memories began surfacing inside her subconscious. Happy ones, that began putting a strain on her oh-so carefully constructed plans.

Look at you all there, posing happily as if you weren't about to be disintegrated to cosmic dust in a few short years. Twilight thought morosely, wondering why the photo was suddenly showing signs of dampness. After all, she'd kept it in a very airtight corner of the holdall. Despite all the trials and tribulations you've subjected me to ever since that fateful day I arrived via balloon, I still love you all and I'll miss you terribly. And the other Princesses. And the townsponies. And my students. And my family. A-And Spike. And... what the heck am I doing?!

Astonishingly deciding that perhaps wiping out an entire civilisation wasn't perhaps the instant panacea to her problems she'd thought it was, the conflicted alicorn did an abrupt 180 by deciding to let everypony live to see another day. If asked why she'd changed her mind later, the response might be something along the lines of 'It would've been a shame to eradicate all those rare books'. After all, mawkish sentimentality was for the schmaltz crowd, and nopony could accuse educated Twilight of indulging such tiresome bathos. Honest.

"When I return I suppose I'll have to learn to express my feelings more, and learn that sometimes the best advice isn't found in the written word. What a nuisance." Twilight scowled whilst unfurling her wings, in preparation for the long journey home. "I guess, if I were to ask anyone for advice regarding this matter, it would have to be good ol' Sunset Shimmer. For it was only my timely intervention that prevented her from conquering Equestria, when her lust for power transformed her into that wretched demonic form. Maybe she could understand my feelings of isolation and anxiety. First thing I'm doing upon reentry is to hop through the mirror portal and have a little chat with her. Everything will be alright, just wait an..at...ATCHOO!"

Alas, in the midst of her relief at thinking that she'd found a viable solution to her difficulties, Twilight had forgotten two very important things. The first was that a few days previously, she'd caught a cold from a stuffy Fluttershy who'd had to rescue a stranded otter pup from a freezing lake. Great for the wild animal, not so much for her congested sinuses.

The second point (which was arguably more pertinent, but sort of tied into the first) was that in readiness to reduce Equestria to a hunk of smoking ash, Twilight had accumulated together rather a lot of magical energy which was even now hanging precariously from her horn like a giant snowball. What could be initially mistaken for a black hole was in fact, a ginormous build-up of power specifically design to decimate anything in its path... organic, mineral or otherwise.

And a few minutes before Twilight could dispel it after her unexpected change of heart, the sneeze caused by her blocked airways happened to dislodge said huge, deadly orb from the top of her temple...

Where it abruptly set forth on its deadly mission, which if the first comets and constellations it utterly destroyed upon impact were anything to go by, would be a complete success.

"Oh, ****." Twilight exclaimed as it rapidly disappeared into the distance, loudly stating something not-quite child friendly.

But there was nothing to be done. Such an awesome blast could never be stopped, least of all by its regretful creator.

All Twilight could do is float around aimlessly, as the lethal missile made its unerring progress to Equestria, demolishing everything she had or ever cared about.

The situation was hopeless. Impossible. Completely irretrievable.

Unless...

...............................................

"Spike, could you come here a minute please?!" An irritated Twilight commanded, as she removed a futuristic looking helmet from her head.

"Y-Yes, Twilight... what can I do for you?" The loyal dragon came rushing upstairs into her bedroom, gasping as he did so.

"This 'Virtual Reality' idea of yours for my therapy was a total bust. I don't know what they claimed in that catalogue you saw, but I want my bits back right now." Twilight thrust the useless device to her number one assistant, before continuing to speak. "Have you had any luck tracking down Leather Couch yet? He's the only pony who understood the pressures I faced everyday, yet he seems to have vanished off the face of Equestria."

"S-Shining Armour and the royal guards are out in force looking for him, so far nothing has turned up though." Spike twiddled his claws, unable to glance his disappointed bestie in the eye. "There were rumours he started a new career, but we don't know what that is yet. The minute they find anything, we'll be sure to let you know."

"See that you do. They might want to check the cherry farm in Appleloosa, I seem to remember an old friend of mine who wanted to 'start afresh' finding some solace there..." Twilight momentarily pondered Applejack's dilemma, wondering if perhaps Leather Couch was presently going through a similar crisis of confidence.

I hope he doesn't feel like he's let me down. Just because I'm a Princess, it doesn't mean I expect any special treatment. I just want these constant grotesque fantasies I have of wanting to annihilate everything in response to everyday problems to go away. Not too much to ask... is it?

..............................

Meanwhile, at his new home in the dankest depths of Tartarus, a former psychiatrist turned beast trainer had been defaced, disfigured, damaged, disabled, distorted, dismembered and spat at by an irate freckled filly in a cage. It was only his first day on the job, too...

...And yet, he was the happiest he'd ever been.

Go figure.

Author's Note

After the original was so popular, I just had to write a follow-up. Well, here it is. I hope you enjoyed reading it... and don't forget to comment. :raritywink: