Dan vs. Mysterious Stranger

by Typist Gray

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Crossover
Length: 14792

Dan and his girlfriend Pinkie are just minding their own business, not even burning anything (yet), when they come across a fella who will help keep their lives interesting, and determine which of them is wearing underwear.

Dan’s already extraordinary life has grown even more fantastic ever since Pinkie Pie came into his life, home, and bed. The human and humanified pony have brought out the best/worst in one another, bolstered the ranks of the Dan Army, evaded enemies from petty criminals to extra dimensional horrors, and gone on countless adventures to clothing stores together. Even Chris and Elise, after adjusting to the changes, have grown much happier and closer thanks to Pinkie’s presence in their lives. Ignoring the odd doomsday calamity, all seems right for this bunch of oddballs.

But now a new stranger has crossed the dimensional barrier. Suave and suspiciously charismatic, he wields intimate knowledge of the pair that defies explanation, possesses dangerous abilities, and yet claims his intentions are purely benign, at least towards them and their friends. Is he telling the truth? What is this ‘significant event’ he has prophesized? How many characters in this story actually wear underwear?

Only one way to find out.

Based on the beloved The Wheel and the Butterfly by Justice3442 https://www.fimfiction.net/story/131002/the-wheel-and-the-butterfly-a-dan-x-pinkie-pie-saga As with many of us, I loved the story so much that, in my impatience for its continuation, I ended up making my own. I tried to make this story as self-contained as possible, with only teasers here and there of this wonderful world Justice3442 has built, so reading the 200+ chapters of the original should not be necessary to understand what I’ve written here. However, I absolutely recommend you go and check out the original for your own sake. You won’t be disappointed.

Published 2019-03-04 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-12 12:14:08 UTC

Chapter 1: Meet the Stranger

“I don’t like it,” Pinkie said, hugging her hands around her shoulders as if to keep warm. Today she’d decided to wear a white tank top and a sky blue dress as her poofy pink hair bounced behind her with each step. Before, back in Equestria, she’d only ever worn clothing for special occasions. But ever since coming here, to this world, she’d grown to better appreciate Rarity’s taste for fashion by buying a whole closet full of everyday clothes.

Her desire to wear different combinations of tops and bottoms every day, however, had caused quite the conniption among the clothes selling vendors of the city. She didn’t know why informing the cashier of her desire to buy no fewer than three different skirts to wear in no particular order always led to a small riot as the store’s workers and patrons suddenly became overcome with the urge to just wreck stuff and set other stuff on fire. However, it was just one of the things she’d begrudgingly become accustomed to since living here.

“What is it now?” Dan asked. His tone was irate, but he still wrapped a hand around Pinkie’s waist to pull her in close. “It better not be anything weird.”

The shorter man with greasy hair and a black goatee was wearing his signature black ‘Jerk’ shirt. He, like most of the people in this world, had a closet full of matching sets of clothes, giving one the impression that he wore the exact same outfit every day, which Dan did anyways. However, he had proven remarkably tolerant of his beloved girlfriend’s quirks and (almost) never went into a blind rage over the things she wore. There were so many infuriating things about this world that were far more deserving of his ire.

And ever since Pinkie came into his life, Dan had gotten a lot better about pacing himself between vengeance runs.

Pinkie quirked an eyebrow at Dan and smiled good-naturedly. “You wouldn’t know what weird is if it ran up and tried to sell you insurance.”

Dan considered his girlfriend’s words a moment. “I’d probably test out my new power punch on it,” he flexed his fist for emphasis, “but I concede your point. In that case, it better not be something that’ll take more than a couple hours to deal with.”

Pinkie smiled, glad for Dan’s understanding. “I’m honestly not sure,” she admitted as the pair of them walked down the stairs of their apartment building. “It’s just… you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched?”

“Oh Pinkie,” Dan sighed in exasperation and patted her smooth back, confirming the absence of a bra. “We’ve been over this already. We are being watched. The government has spies and surveillance everywhere, watching and recording everything we say and do. That’s why we comb the bathroom for hidden cameras every other Thursday,” he explained in his most reassuring tone.

Against all odds, Dan’s words did nothing to make Pinkie feel better. “I know that, but this feels different somehow.” She looked around the rundown neighborhood in the hopes of spying whatever it was that was spying on her. “It’s like… more focused. Instead of a fixed camera on the windowsill tracking our every move, it’s like there’s an invisible stalker walking-” Pinkie’s eyes widened in alarm.

Exercising superhuman clarity in guessing where Pinkie was going with this, Dan proceeded to spin around and deliver a roundhouse kick to the space immediately behind them. “Hi ya!” he crowed triumphantly, ready to look like a total badass as he delivered righteous vengeance to whatever screw head was upsetting his lady love. Instead, his foot passed through open air. Time slowed down a moment for Dan and he was allowed a rare moment to think back on his hasty response and wonder if, just perhaps, he should have acted with a smidgen more caution. Fortunately Pinkie managed to catch him in her arms before he fell. The two decided to make the most of the false alarm by staring into one another’s eyes with the sort of lovey dovey schmaltz that Dan normally hated under pretty much any other circumstance. At least there were no twittering birds this time; no doubt because they’d learned their lesson.

The quiet of the midmorning was broken with the sound of casual applause. “Smooth.”

Dan and Pinkie’s eyes darted up at the sound of the new voice. There, laying down with his head poking over the roof of the apartment, was a man neither of them recognized. He had a full mane of hair, a chiseled face that Ryan Reynolds would sell his left nut for, and eyes so beautiful that both lovers had to fight from being sucked into their radiance.

“So… beautiful,” Dan awed.

“Don’t look!” Pinkie cried. “He’ll suck out your soul!”

“I actually won’t,” the stranger corrected nonchalantly. “That’s not something I can do; at least not without help. I can, however, do other things.” He waggled his eyebrows with nefarious suggestiveness.

Pinkie spun around and held her hands out in defense of the only lifeline to sanity she had in this world. However, in so doing, she’d inadvertently engulfed Dan’s head in the poofy pink mass of unholy horror that was her hair, forcing him to bear witness to the terrors within. “You stay away from Dan!” she growled. “I won’t let you take him!”

“Question,” the stranger said, raising his hand like he were a character in a cheap anime trying to signal that he was the one speaking. “What exactly did I do to make you think I wanted to hurt Dan? As far as you can prove, I’ve just been sitting up on the roof this whole time like some wannabe super hero trying to brood.”

Pinkie blinked owlishly, and then found an answer. “We don’t know you,” she declared. “You’re up on the roof while I’m having freaky deaky stalker paranoia, and the narration keeps referring to you as ‘stranger.’ Between that and some of the other dangers I’ve faced since coming here, at this point I’m expecting the worst case scenario.”

The stranger regarded Pinkie for a time and clucked his tongue. “Although I agree with your line of reasoning for warranting caution – especially regarding the narration part – I’m afraid I fail to see how any of this would lead to a worst case scenario,” he explained logically. “The weather is nowhere near suitable for a kaiju to fight an army of cyborg zombie squirrels. And, not to be rude, but I think you might be overestimating Phil Collins’ swordsmanship.”

“Who told you about our anti-Phil Collins protocol!?” demanded Pinkie. She didn’t ask about the first part, as she had to admit he had a point.

“I believe you were saying something earlier about freaky deaky stalker paranoia,” the stranger replied evenly.

“Ah ha! So you were spying on us!”

“Never said I wasn’t,” the annoyingly calm stranger said. “However, that still doesn’t prove I’m actually of any danger to you.”

“Where’s Twilight when you need her?” Pinkie grumbled, remembering the time she’d used the purple mare as a machine gun.

“Your Twilight or this world’s Twilight? Because both would have their uses.”

“Hey. Stop eavesdropping on my conversations with myself!”

“Um… no?”

“Damn,” Pinkie hissed. She couldn’t think of a rebuttal for that one. She should probably ask Dan for help. Dan was super smart and had a flare for witty comebacks. Come to think of it, her most favoritest person in the whole world had been awfully silent for some time. Pinkie turned around, not realizing that her motions had pulled Dan’s head out of her mane. It was only then, staring into Dan’s vacant eyes, that Pinkie fully read the narration and realized what she’d done to him. “Oh crap!”

“Fascinating,” the stranger said, continuing to watch from his perch.

“Hey. You can shut up!” Pinkie growled, snapping around to face the stranger. “If you weren’t-”

“Your hair,” the stranger warned.

“Shoot!” Pinkie hissed, spinning around once more. Dan’s eyes were still blank, but now he was wearing a smile that even Pinkie found unsettling.

“I can smell colors,” Dan whispered. His voice had an unearthly echo to it that caused every animal in a 50 yard radius to flee the area, and Mr. Mumbles to flee into her custom made kitty bunker. “They sing to me.”

“No Dan! No! Don’t listen to the singing!” Pinkie grabbed Dan by the shoulders and shook him desperately. His head bobbed back and forth like a bobble toy, but he gave no response.

“Have you considered a haircut?” the stranger asked. “Give that bush a modest trim and this wouldn’t even be a problem. Or is it like Disney’s Rapunzel where any damage would kill the magic?”

“This is no time to be talking about my bush!” Pinkie screamed loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. “Like I care,” she howled indignantly at the narration. “My boyfriend’s head got stuck in my bush, and now he’s practically a vegetable. How am I supposed to huggle-snuggle with a vegetable?” She was far too perturbed to consider what the answer to her rhetorical question might be.

“Maybe I can help?”

“Gah!” Pinkie jumped back several feet at the sight of the stranger on the ground. “When did you get here?” Her gaze snapped repeatedly between where the stranger was now and where he had been.

“Oh, I’ve been here from the start,” the stranger replied cryptically, only adding to Pinkie’s boiling pot of frustration. The stranger, now looking at Dan, wore a-

“Seventeen,” Pinkie muttered darkly as her mane began to flatten out, marking the emergence of the self that was far less pleasant to be around.

…

The stranger wore blue jean shorts and a white shirt with a picture of a DeLorean crashing into a police phone box on the front. He was a full head taller than Pinkie, but his facial features were oddly nondescript, almost as though there were something hindering the ability of others to look at him with any degree of focus. He ignored Pinkie and her barely veiled threat of how many times she intended to stab him, keeping his eyes on Dan as he circled the smaller man. “Don’t worry. I think he might actually be alright.”

Pinkie scowled. “Explain,” she said with a sinister hiss.

The stranger pressed a finger to the side of Dan’s head and pushed him several inches. He then removed the pressure and let Dan lethargically bounce back. “I don’t think he’s suffered any sort of permanent damage. Similar to his immunity to pepper spray, I believe Dan has actually developed a defense mechanism to psychological traumas outside of his usual daily irritants,” the stranger explained knowledgably, challenging Pinkie for being the most well-informed and familiar when it came to Dan’s peculiar-

“Oy!” Pinkie snapped at the narration. “You’re here to report the news. Stop injecting your stupid commentary into everything!”

…

“Anyway,” the stranger continued patiently. “It’s my assessment that, in order to protect his psyche, Dan has actually retreated into his own subconscious. This will have sufficiently shielded him from stimuli that mortal minds were simply not built to process.”

Pinkie scowled angrily at the stranger. Given what little she knew about her pink poof, what he was saying seemed to make sense. The way her sisters had changed after embarking to explore inside her mane for several days came most prominently to mind. However, that was exactly the problem. Who was this guy to go around talking about Dan as if he was the man’s personal doctor? “You’re not Dan’s doctor,” Pinkie accused, shaking in anger. She had already gone several minutes without her comfort object and was beginning to pay the toll. “How do you know all this stuff?”

“That’s not important right now,” the stranger dismissed evasively. “What matters is treatment.” He poked Dan from the other side this time. “In my humbly expert opinion, I’d recommend a shock of sufficient intensity to snap the angry little man back to reality.”

Pinkie pursed her lips, hating that she was agreeing with this stranger… whom she was getting sick of referring to as stranger. “So what’d you have in mind?”

The stranger positioned himself behind Dan, lowering himself as he turned the smaller man to fully face Pinkie. “If you ever want to hear your boyfriend yell at you again, I recommend you hold still.”

Pinkie’s distrust and ire were temporarily overridden by the seventh most horrible thing she could imagine. She and Dan loved each other so much that they’d actually once beaten one another bloody because they couldn’t agree on who loved who more. The idea of her beloved never yelling at her ever again almost brought tears to the young woman’s’ eyes. This was just the sort of healthy relationship the two-

“What’d I just say!?” Pinkie snapped, facing the sky.

…

“That’s what I thought,” she grumbled. Although Pinkie wasn’t 100% on how it was possible to stab narration, she’d learned that the boundless power of revenge could make all sorts of things possible, which in turn made the narrator finally remember his place.

As this was taking place, the stranger had been making slight adjustments to Dan. He straightened the usually angry man’s posture, adjusted his pants a few degrees, tilted his head to just the right angle, and attended all manner of other minutia that wasn’t worth going into. Finally he seemed satisfied with his work and moved behind the little man. He placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder while the other was moved to prime flicking position at the back of the greasy man’s greasy hair.

“Not that greasy,” Pinkie muttered.

“Are you ready, Pinkie?” the stranger asked. “I’m about to start.”

“Start what? And what exactly do I need to do?”

“Just stand right there and try not to move,” the stranger instructed as he took aim. “This probably won’t hurt a bit.”

“Wat?”

*POW*

With a single flick of the stranger’s fingers, Dan had been sent flying several yards towards Pinkie. The pink haired girl had no time to wonder how or when the two had become so distant. She could only act on reflex, holding out her arms and then catching Dan as he impacted her. The force of the blow knocked the wind out of her and caused her feet to slide back almost 2 meters, leaving a slight skid where her shoes had been.

“Ugh,” Pinkie grunted, hoping that her chest hadn’t been bruised. “That hurt.” She looked down and found her vision filled with Dan’s short and messy hair. She longed to see his face, but it had been partially engulfed by her bosom. “Dan? Dan!?” She raised her voice, fearful that whatever that stunt was meant to do had failed and Dan would be a vegetable forever!

“Hewo, Hwinkie,” came Dan’s muffled reply through her shirt and sweater puppies.

“Dan!” Squeeing in elation, Pinkie scooped her arms around Dan’s back and hoisted him high in the air, spinning him around jubilee. “You’re-back-you’re-back-you’re-back!”

Dan mumbled something, but his words were drowned out by Pinkie’s celebrating and constricting.

“Uh, Pinkie.”

Pinkie paused in her spinning to stare at the stranger. She was still wary of him, but his resurrection of Dan had at least made it so that she no longer wished to stab him. “Hmm?”

The stranger gestured down at Dan. Pinkie followed his line of sight, only to now realize that Dan had been slamming his fists to her sides and tearing his fingers into her clothing to get her attention.

“Han’t breaaave!” he screamed while trying to pull his head free from his ridiculously strong girlfriend’s normally heavenly chest.

Pinkie immediately unlocked her arms and let Dan drop. He managed to fall on his feet as he gasped for sweet oxygen, but still toppled forward and had to plant his hands on the warm concrete below. Pinkie stood by and watched, waiting for Dan to regain his breath. In time, he looked up and fixed the love of his life with a ‘what is wrong with you’ look. Pinkie giggled nervously and twirled a finger in her mane.

“I trust all is satisfactory?” the stranger inquired.

“I’ve been worse,” Dan coughed. Pinkie offered to help him stand, which he accepted. “Of course I’ve also been better, so I guess that puts this experience somewhere in the unpleasant middle.”

“So long as you’re able to run and fight, that’s all that matters.”

Brushing himself off, Dan finally looked up at the stranger, taking his first serious look at the unnamed man who had already caused him so much grief in just a short span of time. “Hey. Who are you, anyway?”

“My name is Fel,” the stranger answered with a cordial bow. “Most people call me an @$$-hole. You may call me whatever you like, although ‘your most magnificent highness’ would also be acceptable.”

Dan stared flatly at the now named man, hoping it wasn’t spelled weirdly in the event the name had to go in his journal. “I’m not doing that.”

“Me neither!” Pinkie agreed.

Ignoring her, Dan took a step forward towards the named but still unknown man, slightly positioning himself between the man and Pinkie. “Also, what were you doing on our roof?”

Fel shrugged nonchalantly. “Getting the lay of the land, acclimating myself to strange smells, and spying on persons of interest.”

“You mean us?” Dan asked.

Fel smiled. “Besides your neighbor, Jean, who else lives in that apartment whose even remotely as interesting as you two?”

“Mr. Mumbles,” Pinkie declared.

“Shut up!” Dan hissed. “Don’t go blabbing about our emergency assets.”

Pinkie grinned, relieved to see Dan back to his old self, and mimed zipping her lips closed.

Fel, watching this exchange, let out a sigh. “You’re lucky I know better. Otherwise I’d be interfering with what could be misconstrued as a very unhealthy relationship.”

Dan’s frown deepened. “Ya know, I really don’t care for busybodies who always try sticking their noses where they don’t belong.”

Keeping to her vow of silence, Pinkie held up a sign with letters written in crayon. ‘It’s true.’

“Now tell me why you’re here and why I shouldn’t sic Pinkie on you like an attack dog,” Dan demanded, ignoring how Pinkie began making authentic angry dog sounds.

“Fair enough,” Fel allowed. “Like Pinkie, I did not come to this world by choice. My life has been plagued by interdimensional jackasses who have made it their hobby of throwing nonsense my way whenever it suits them.”

Dan tensed in alarm. “You mean-?”

“No, not TOK,” Fel cut in. “I know of The Order Keepers, the extradimensional entities that have attempted to banish and murder Pinkie on several occasions. However, I’ve yet to have the pleasure of meeting them, or punching them in the face for their blasphemous claims of godhood. Mine is a different, but no less jackassery group of jackasses.”

“Is that racist?” Pinkie asked Dan after miming unzipping her lips.

“You tell me,” he allowed, forgetting his earlier desire for her silence. “Sure, we’ve also got talking jackasses in our world, but ours aren’t so literal.”

“I won’t bore you with all the grimy details,” Fel continued. “However, I am basically stuck in this world until such time as I get involved with a ‘significant event,’” he said with air quotes. “And no, I’m not being deliberately obtuse. It’s exactly as vague as it sounds,” he conceded despondently. “However, my way home won’t be unlocked until this nebulous condition is met.”

Dan nodded along. “That’s very interesting. Now get to the part where that’s our business.”

“Don’t be rude, Dan,” Pinkie chided, suddenly finding herself feeling sympathy for a kindred spirit.

“And why not?”

“Well…” Pinkie started to say, only to trail off in thought. If she reminded Dan about the first time he’d helped an interdimensional stranger and all the good that doing so had brought into his life, he’d probably just counter that this stranger wasn’t remotely as sexy, which was an argument she couldn’t rebuke. Instead, she decided to appeal more directly to Dan’s self-interest. “He helped save you from being a vegetable. We kinda owe him.” Whether it was retribution for a grievance inflicted upon him or a favor he owed to another, Dan had always hated debt.

“Which wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t distracted you,” Dan countered.

“Not necessarily,” Fel cut in. “Then again, I’m guessing you two don’t try too many positions where Pinkie has her back to you.” Then he frowned in puzzlement. “Hold on. How do you two spoon?”

Dan crossed his arms. “Ya know, poking your nose into my and my girlfriend’s sex lives isn’t exactly doing you any favors.”

“I’m just trying to figure out how this problem is only surfacing now,” Fel insisted. “You’d think with how often you two go at it…” He trailed off, leaving his point unstated yet understood.

“Although you raise an interesting point that’s worth looking into later,” Dan admitted, “I’m still not seeing how that’s relevant to us.”

Fel huffed and let his shoulders droop. “Ah yes. Compensation.” He whickered his exasperation. “Normally, this would be the point when I’d offer to pay you guys as much as you want with what I’d earned from playing the stock market-”

“How long have you been here, again?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh… About two hours,” Fel answered. “Anyway, I know you guys already have unlimited money thanks to that magic wallet, so that’s not an option.”

“You’ve managed to learn all this just from stalking us for less than two hours?” Pinkie asked, somewhat frightened. “While also having time to play the stock market?”

“Basically,” Fel affirmed. “I’m also aware that, despite surface appearances, you two are actually incredibly happy together. You share in many likes and most friends. You give support when the other is in need, and actually make each other better in doing so. You manage to spend just about every waking and sleeping minute together without needing a break, which in itself is an impressive accomplishment.” Both lovers beamed from the well-deserved praise. “There’s never a dull moment with you two constantly working to keep things interesting, or sometimes you just roll with the punches and accept whatever crazy adventure life throws at you. And on top of it all,” he paused for dramatic effect, “you are both head-over-heels in lust with one another.”

Dan and Pinkie looked at one another. “Ya know, if he were one of our friends, I’d find it cute that he knows us so well,” Pinkie bubbled. “Instead of, you know, how freaky stalkery it is right now.”

“I’d consider it creepy either way,” Dan retorted.

“Which brings us back to square one,” Fel resumed. “Since I can’t bribe you, play off your sympathies, and I’m really not up for threatening you two-”

“Good thinking,” Dan intoned warningly.

Fel kept his expression impassive. Although he’d already been threatened by these two several times, something normally intolerable, he spoke honestly when he said that he didn’t want to fight them. He wasn’t at full strength at the moment, and both Dan’s and Pinkie’s abilities had poorly defined limits that he did not wish to contest. On top of that, there was still the significant event to deal with; whatever that turned out to be. For now, he’d hold his tongue, bide his time, and wait to seek revenge on these two at a later date. That, he mused, would be the best way to abide by this world’s laws and cultural norms.

“I have considerable knowledge regarding interdimensional travel,” he told the pair. “Put me in contact with pony Twilight, and we can work together on a means to bridge this world and Equestria.”

Pinkie frowned, both in skepticism and apprehension. Months ago, when she’d first come to this awful, terrible place, she’d have jumped on such an offer in a heartbeat. However, since that time, she’d met so many wonderful new friends, not least of whom was Dan. Dan got her in a way her other friends just never did. He encouraged where others would dismiss. He’d help where others would hinder, usually out of fear of violating common decency or whatever. Also, Dan was super-hot, which was always a bonus when it came to lovers. After all that she’d endured, and that Dan had helped her through, Pinkie wasn’t sure if she’d be willing to leave Dan behind, not even for the chance to go back home.

“The goal of our research,” Fel continued, “would be the creation of a stable wormhole between worlds. That way you and your friends could travel to and fro on a whim. Go to Equestria if you want some peaceful relaxation, and then come to Earth when you feel like breaking stuff. It would literally be the best of both worlds.”

“Yes!” Pinkie screamed. “We’re doing that!”

“Goof ball?”

Pinkie rounded on her shorter mate. “Dan! Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Danny-Dan!”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just butcher my name.”

Pinkie had to think fast. She couldn’t sway Dan with the promise of meeting all of her Equestrian friends. He’d already spoken with all of them through the magic mirror, making an overall positive impression. Given Dan’s track record with parents in general, he probably wouldn’t be too keen on the chance to meet her folks. Trying the diverse pallet of Equestrian goodies wouldn’t work either, because the best baker in two worlds (herself) was already on Earth. Eventually, after several nanoseconds of deep thought, Pinkie found something she felt would appeal specially to Dan. “If this portal doesn’t do automatic transformations like the one Twilight uses, then we can invite your accidental arson buddy along for a shopping day!”

Dan blinked. “T-take Spike-”

“Mh hmm.”

“-the dragon-”

“Ya huh.”

“-who breathes fire-”

“Indeedy do!”

“-out with us while we enact righteous vengeance upon the filthy, ignorant, unwashed masses for their countless crimes against common decency?”

“Yappers!” Pinkie chirped excitedly, happy at the fervor and passion in Dan’s words.

Dan quickly tempered his enthusiasm before turning to face the newcomer. He coughed into his fist. “Well then, after much discussion with my colleague here,” he began cordially. “We have decided to allow you… to… What was it you wanted again?”

Fel did not answer right away. Rather, he stared past the pair and off into space. “Am I high?” he asked no one in particular. “I think this universe is making me high.” He held his palm up to his face. His hand glowed in a sphere of light that opened up like a flower to reveal transparent screens depicting charts and lines of code. “There’s really no other way I could be so tolerant of such maliciousness presented so blatantly before me.”

“Uh, guy?” Dan called.

“Hmm? Oh, yes. Right,” Fel replied distractedly, keeping his eyes on the holo-screens. “I just want to hang out with you guys until the inevitable weirdness happens. I’ll get involved and that’ll be enough to unlock my way home. At least that’s the working hypothesis.”

“How weird are we talking?” Pinkie asked. “Like, good Keanu Reeves weird, run for our life weird, Chris says something smart weird? The list just goes on.”

Fel nodded grimly as the holo-screens vanished. “Knowing my luck, it’ll be something that tries to kill us.”

“Oh good!” Pinkie exhaled in relief. “I lost a bet with Elise and had to marathon the entire Matrix trilogy. So now I’m all Keanu Reevesed out.”

“You and me both,” Dan grumbled.

Fel gave a pained smile and closed his fist, deactivating the holo-screens. It was the sort of smile most commonly displayed when one opens the door and bears witness to in-laws they hate but cannot turn away. “Well I’m happy you have your priorities straight,” he said through gritted teeth.

Author's Note

Fel is pretty much the first character I ever wrote online. Although I’d dabbled before, it was in writing his first story that really kick started writing as a hobby for me. As such, it seemed only natural that my desire to continue the amazingly heartfelt and hilarious story started by https://www.fimfiction.net/user/132852/Justice3442 would involve throwing Fel in as a sort of guest star. Hopefully I’ll be able to adequately capture the original’s wit while keeping all characters – especially mine – likable.

At the very least, I got Justice3442’s approval for these first couple parts, so that’s something.

Chapter 2: Meet the Friends

When offered the chance to ride shotgun in Dan’s two door Plymouth Horizon, a vehicle that looked like it had been rejected from a scrap convention for not living up to said convention’s high standards, Fel elected to ride on the roof. He said that he felt safer that way.

“How come he gets to play on the roof?” Pinkie whined from the passenger seat as Dan ran his second red light of the day.

“Either he has great confidence that my unparalleled driving skills will ensure his safe passage to our destination,” Dan pontificated, “or he’s so naïve that he thinks I won’t try and throw him off for getting boot marks on my car.”

“I’m not wearing boots,” Fel said. His voice came in remarkably clear despite the windows all being closed and their surroundings being full of angry drivers honking their horns and shouting to the heavens. “I actually prefer to go around barefoot.”

“Really?” Pinkie asked. “That doesn’t seem very safe. Haven’t you ever seen Die Hard?”

Fel blinked, not at all appreciative of where this line of questioning might lead or its metaphysical ramifications upon him. “By the way, I didn’t catch where we were headed.”

“The bakery,” Dan answered flatly. “That way you’ll be able to meet the whole Dan Army in one go and we can keep annoying introductions to a minimum.”

“No worries on that front,” Fel assured. “I’m already quite familiar with your usual associates, so there shouldn’t be any trouble there.”

“Yeah, about that,” Pinkie added quizzically. “Even by stalker standards, you sure seem to know a lot about us, especially if you’ve only been watching for as long as you’ve said.”

Fel shrugged. “Eh. I made my character sheet with a double boost to stats related to perception.”

“I’m 88% certain you’re saying the reference wrong,” Pinkie warned.

“But only for loser nerds who don’t have lives and actually care about that stuff,” Dan argued like a professor correcting his student.

“This coming from a man whose anime DVDs stack higher than he is tall?” Fel countered.

“… Besides, I’m pretty sure Pinkie was just calling you out for being evasive.”

“No I wasn’t,” Pinkie replied plainly. “I was just correcting his word use. I mean, if you’re going to reference something, you might as well not make a dunce of yourself in the process.”

“Or!” Dan began. “Or he’s using these super stalker powers of his to predict you being so pedantic over something so trivial.” Dan made a hard swerve when he saw a mime in the road, but unfortunately the mute freak managed to dodge in time. “Thereby distracting the both of us from the original question of how he knows what he knows.”

Pinkie blinked. “Diabolical,” she awed.

“Thank you,” Fel said with an appreciative grin. “Also, I think I like you guys calling me stalker. Can that be my new nickname?”

“Sure thing, Stalker Freak,” Dan replied, happy to accommodate.

Fel squeed happily. “Eeeee! It’s like I’m already a member of the happy, dysfunctional, and questionably sane family.”

“Hey now,” Dan warned. “Let’s not go jumping the gun.”

“Shark!”

Dan rolled his eyes. “No, I meant gun. Jumping the shark is when you-”

“No Dan!” Pinkie screamed and pointed up ahead. “Shark!”

Up ahead, a group of inconsiderate teens had selfishly appropriated a large portion of the road while they worked on what appeared to be a giant shark made of papier-mâché. Why they were doing this was anyone’s guess; so long as that guess berated the stupid teens for being teens that were also stupid. Dan swerved again, but this time to avoid the poorly placed obstacle.

“Gahr!” he growled in that special Dan way of his as hapless ne’er-do-wells screamed and scattered. He rolled down the window and screamed. “Stupid teenagers. You embody 43% of everything that’s wrong with this country!”

Pinkie rolled down her window and decided to join in the screaming game. “You’re actually only responsible for about 12%, though!” she corrected informatively. “Turns out you guys aren’t nearly as important as you pretend to be, but you still contribute to a lot of pre-existing issues.”

“Ah! My leg!”

Fel narrowed his eyes at the downed teenager. “That’s your own fault for not throwing away your banana peels.” His chastisement was calm and offered with only moderate volume. Fel had no need to raise his voice if he wanted to be heard.

“How do you do that?” Pinkie asked. “Being heard without needing to talk too loudly?”

Fel turned back to look at the carnage his chauffeur had left in his wake. The streets had been littered with pasty paper, even more pasty teens, and errant bits of clothing that had been sent flying in the confusion. No one had been seriously injured. However, the teens who weren’t cowering in fear were now trying to put out the papier-mâché shark, which had inexplicably caught on fire.

More than the disproportionately excessive nature of the damage, Fel was most bothered by his own reactions. As Dan had almost drunkenly swerved his car, Fel had done nothing to mitigate the damage. He failed to cushion any falls, pull anyone out of the way, or even take control and guide Dan’s car along a smoother course. All of this was just so unlike him. More troubling was the fact that his inaction had bothered him so little. He didn’t even have the excuse of deliberately holding back so that he could objectively observe how reactions worked in this universe; although this experience had shown him a lot. He, with no ulterior motive, had chosen not to help those in need, and was not happy about that.

“Hey!” Dan barked. “Pinkie asked you a question.”

“It’s an ability of mine,” Fel said plainly, revealing nothing of his inner turmoil. “When I speak, I can make myself heard by anyone I’ve met, or who is within a certain range. I can make it sound like I’m speaking right into your ear and even drown out other distracting sounds.”

“That sounds amazingly useful,” Dan said enviously, recalling all the suffering and needless hassle that could have been avoided if only society at large listened to him more. “I don’t suppose-”

“Afraid not. It’s just something that I and I alone can do.”

Dan growled. “You’re just saying that cuz you don’t want to deal with the competition!”

Fel blinked. “Also yes.”

“Uh, Dan.”

“Yeah, Pinkie.”

“I thought we were going to the bakery. This is Elise and Chris’ house.” She pointed at the house that Dan had parked in front of.

“Wait what?” Dan looked out his window to confirm that this was, in fact, the home of his oldest friend and frenemy. “Darn it! I guess it’s been a while since I actually drove here. Usually I call Chris to do that for me.”

“So why didn’t you?” Pinkie asked.

Dan thumped his head to his steering wheel. “It’s this guy.” He jerked his thumb upward. “He’s just so… distracting.”

“I have been called worse,” Fel allowed before hopping off the car to the sidewalk. “Let’s see whose home, shall we?”

“Woah,” Pinkie awed at Fel’s bare feet. She stepped out of the car and hurried over to stand beside Dan to lightly elbow his side. “Hey Dan. Dan!”

“Yeah?”

Pinkie snickered and pointed. “You know what they say about guys with big feet, right?”

Dan hummed thoughtfully and pulled out his revenge journal. “Huh. I was certain we’d gone up against bigfoot already. That would have made for a nice, scathing retort.”

“Nah. You just met a yeti that one time you went to Canada,” Pinkie reminded.

“Oh yeah,” Dan said, smiling at the fond memory of unleashing a giant glacier upon the bastard child of England and France. “Good times.”

Fel rang the doorbell. “Hello. Mr. and Mrs. Pearson?”

“Don’t call them that, Stalker Freak,” Dan chided. “Titles like that imply a level of importance that neither of these two has earned.”

Fel turned to look back at the approaching couple. “Between the two of them, they’ve saved your life how many times?”

“He’s got a point, Dan,” Pinkie chimed in. “Besides, Fel’s a stranger. It’s common courtesy to use titles like that for people you haven’t met.”

“I never do.”

“Yeah, but PG 13 swears aren’t exactly what most would call common courtesy.”

“It is in New York.”

Pinkie nodded. “Fair enough.”

Fel pressed his thumb to the doorbell and held it. If the homeowners weren’t annoyed into answering, then maybe the sound would drown out the irritants.

“Hold your horses!” a woman called irritably from inside. “I’m coming!”

“Hehe,” Pinkie giggled and lightly hipchecked Dan.

“Oh fine,” Dan growled as he wrapped a hand around Pinkie’s waist, satisfying her desire for puns.

“Clever,” Fel admitted, and gave the doorbell one last ring for good measure.

“I swear by all that’s holy!” roared the irritated woman. “If you ring that bell one more time,” she yanked the door open, “I’m gonna shove my boot right up you’re – hey Pinkie.” Elise greeted, her earlier ire instantly evaporating upon seeing her best friend. The maroon haired woman wore her signature white shirt and blue jeans. However, she looked a bit disheveled with her clothes creased and her hair in quite the mess. Clearly she’d dressed herself in a hurry. “How ya doing?”

“Eh. Same old, same old.”

“Typical. No standards whatsoever.”

“That bad, huh?” Elise replied, ignoring Dan.

Pinkie giggled.

Fel cleared his throat, bringing all attention back to him.

“Who’s the tall hobo?” Elise asked.

Fel closed his eyes and took long, steadying breaths.

“Oh. This is our new fri-oof!” Pinkie grunted when Dan elbowed her in the gut. “This is our new acquaintance,” she stressed. Dan nodded. “His name is Fel.”

“But I prefer to call him Stalker Freak,” Dan interjected. “Gives people a better idea of what to expect.”

Elise turned a wary eye up at the stranger while he returned her look with an appreciative smile. People fearing him was far easier for the traveler to stomach. It was a welcome island of logic in this sea of insanity.

“Anyway, he’s from another world, like me, but not the same world,” Pinkie explained with unusually high coherence. “He said he wants to hang out with us for the day until something ‘significant’ happens so he can go home,” she added with air quotes. “Whatever that means.”

“Uh huh,” Elise replied skeptically as her eyes trailed up and down the stranger in her doorway. “And what exactly would that be?”

“I honestly have no idea,” Fel admitted. “The scenario varies from world-to-world. So long as I’m here, though, I imagine it’ll be something that’ll attract both the police and the news. Perhaps even a government or two will notice.”

Elise gave an exasperated sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Serves me right for wanting to spend a nice, quiet day with my husband on his day off.”

“Honestly, you’d think you’d learn by now,” chided Dan.

“You know I’ve upgraded the security on my house, right?” Elise reminded with deadly seriousness. “The spot your standing in has no less than five traps that are in violation of the Geneva Convention and I’m ready to trigger them all.”

“Really?” Fel asked, looking around. “I could have sworn there were seven.”

Elise blinked. “Wait. How did you-”

“Oh!” Fel gasped. “My mistake. I guess this Geneva Convention variant doesn’t account for things like piranhas or…” He paused, looked around, leaned forward, and whispered into Elise’s ear, making her go bug-eyed.

The disheveled woman backflipped into the house and pulled out a rifle from… somewhere. “How did you know about that!?” she demanded through gritted teeth. “Not even my boss knows I have one of those!”

Fel shrugged nonchalantly. “I’ve been told I have unparalleled observational skills.”

“Oh yeah?” Elise replied threateningly and adjusted her gun to aim downwards. “Do these skills of observation tell you where I’m aiming?”

Dan and Pinkie hissed in sympathetic pain.

Fel, however, remained as casual and unimpressed as ever. “Yes. Also, my sense of smell tells me exactly what you were doing before I interrupted.”

Elise bore her teeth. “Now what are you getting-”

“Elise,” a man called from deeper in the house. “Are you coming back to bed? Tell them to go away. The, um, chocolate’s starting to cool.” His words hung in the air, leaving a terrible, awful silence in their wake.

Elise’s cheeks reddened as she continued to keep her aim steady, even in spite of Pinkie’s giggle snorts. “Not. One. Word,” she said to Fel.

“Psst. Hey Dan,” Fel whisper spoke to the irritated little man. “Of the five of us, guess how many are wearing underwear.”

Not wanting to disturb her husband, Elise quickly turned her gun away to screw on the silencer. Realizing he’d probably hear that, anyway, she fished out a remote from her pants and turned up the dial. The formerly barely audible jazz music from the couple’s bedroom had been dialed up to near deafening levels. That, Elise hoped, should keep Chris occupied while she dealt with this annoying security risk. Five seconds later, when everything was where it should be, Elise retook her aim at… Dan and Pinkie?

“We surrender!” Pinkie cried, throwing up her hands.

“Where’d he go?” Elise demanded, looking around the living room to find nothing.

“Don’t ask us,” replied Dan as he and Pinkie stepped into the home. “It’s not our responsibility to keep track of people you intend to shoot.”

Elise would have told Dan off, but she couldn’t exactly argue. She might also have kneecapped the little SOB, but Pinkie was standing right there. Instead, she chose to survey the immediate vicinity for possible hiding places. Considering half of those had been booby-trapped with non-lethal anti-Chris-trying-to-hide-food-where-it-doesn’t-belong devices, and none of those had been tripped, that narrowed the list of viable spots by a significant margin.

“Psst,” Fel whispered again.

Elise spun around, trying to pinpoint the source of the sound.

“Regarding the underwear thing,” he continued. “It’s actually no one. No one on this property is wearing any underwear.”

“That is not a mental image I needed,” Elise grumbled.

“Hey!” whined Pinkie.

“I was talking about Dan!”

“Well same to you, bucko.”

Pinkie then tapped her chin in thought. “Hold on a sec. Just how do you know that, anyway? That seems like a stretch for even freaky stalker standards.”

“How do I know who isn’t wearing underwear in this house? Simple,” Fel remarked plainly. “I do the same thing as anyone else seeking an answer to this, the most pertinent of questions.”

“Dammit,” Elise hissed as she continued hunting through her house. “It’s like no matter where I am, he’s always whispering right in my ear.”

“Oh yeah. He said that’s one of his powers,” Dan informed. “I’ll admit, I was a little skeptical at first, but if you’re hearing it too then it’s probably true.”

Pinkie pressed a finger to Dan’s lips. “Hush. I want to hear what he has to say about the underwear.”

Silence fell upon the room. Elise continued her hunt, exercising several sneak rolls, improbable jumps, and other athletic feats commonly seen in cartoon spies these days. Pinkie was on the edge of her seat, so to speak, with her hands held mindfully against her skirt to keep it in place. Lastly, Dan just stood there sulking with his signature I-hate-everything expression. Then, at long last, Fel answered.

“It’s quite obvious, really,” he said matter-of-factly. “I checked.”

Elise came to a dead halt mid-roll, blinking like a deer in headlights. “You… what?”

“I checked,” Fel said again.

“… how?” Dan asked, more curious than angry at the moment.

“Like this.”

The front hems of both pairs of jeans and Pinkie’s skirt were suddenly tugged forward, pulled out a short ways, and allowed to snap back against their owners’ bellies. The movement was small and likely wouldn’t have been noticed by anyone not paying attention. However, Dan, Pinkie, and Elise had all seen their clothing act as though it had been grabbed, even though there had been absolutely nothing there to grab them. Whatever hope the three might have had at just writing off this unusual event as a trick of the mind – or maybe a hot air balloon – was promptly clubbed in the back of the head, driven out into the middle of nowhere, and then buried in a shallow grave when they saw the expressions on one another’s faces.

“Aaaaaaaaaah!”

Alarmed by the sound of three people screaming in his home, Chris rushed out of his bedroom, a blanket tied loosely around his waist and a large spoon covered in chocolate held like a weapon. “What happened? What’s going on?” He demanded fretfully, licking a bit of chocolate from his upper lip as he took in the sight of the three most precious people in his life standing around and screaming. “Dan? When did you get here?”

“Aaaaaaaaaah!”

“That… doesn’t answer my question,” Chris replied, nonplussed. “Honey. You think you could-”

“Aaaaaaaaaah!”

“Okay, maybe not,” the tall, blond, and somewhat portly man acknowledged. Looking at Pinkie, Chris figured he shouldn’t bother getting his hopes up, but figured he had to try anyway. “Pinkie. I don’t suppose you could-”

“Aaaaaaaaaah! Creepy stalker alien is peeping in our pants! Aaaaaaaaaah!”

Chris blinked. “Well, while that is an answer, it just raises more questions,” he assessed with saintly patience. “For one thing, you’re not wearing pants.”

“Aaaaaaaaaah! Up my skirt! Whatever! Aaaaaaaaaah!”

“Aaaaaaaaaah! Also he said he smelled what you and the harpy were doing before we got here!” Dan added helpfully. “Aaaaaaaaaah!”

And then Elise decided to offer her two cents. “Aaaaaaaaaah! I’m going to gut you like a fish and rub literal salt in your wounds, Dan! Aaaaaaaaaah!”

“Well, at least their calming down enough to fight,” Chris sighed. “Small miracles and all that.”

“You really don’t get enough credit for all the garbage these people put you through.”

“That’s nice of you to say,” Chris accepted, “but it’s not that bad.”

“… You’ve waded through literal garbage because these people have asked you to,” he asserted. “I say this in the best possible way, but the loyalty of dogs ain’t got nothing on you, buddy. It’s no wonder everyone depends on you for so much.”

“Oh stop,” Chris dismissed with a slight blush. “They don’t depend on me for that much.”

“Are you kidding? You’re pretty much everyone’s go-to whenever there’s something that needs doing. Whether it’s some wild revenge plot, lifting a couch, or just because someone doesn’t want to be alone. Who else does anyone call but Chris Pearson?”

Bashfully Chris rubbed his arm while his other hand continued holding the blanket in place. “You’re just saying that.”

“That doesn’t make it any less true, and you know it. Really, Dan, Elise, and Pinkie are all lucky to have you in their lives and don’t do nearly enough to show their appreciation.”

Chris laughed. “Well, that’s mighty kind of you to say, but-” The man’s breath hitched when he realized he didn’t recognize the voice of the man with whom he’d been conversing. Likewise, Chris had no recollection of when this man had manifested so close to his practically naked being. He turned to finally face the man now casting a shadow upon his far more diminutive physique. The man looked down upon Chris with an ear-to-ear smirk that made the second tallest man in the house want to wet the blanket. “B-b-b-but…”

“But?” Fel inquired. “You mean…” He grabbed hold of Chris’ blanket while his grin grew to Cheshire proportions.

“Please no,” the patient man pled with reluctant acknowledgment of the inevitable.

“… this one!” With a mighty yank, Fel sent Chris spinning out into the middle of the room, sans one blanket, in front of all the people who were no longer screaming.

Pinkie suffered from a sudden and virulent nosebleed that rocketed her up to the ceiling, somehow whistling like a bottle rocket. She cracked her head on a light and fell back to the floor, where the nosebleed resumed and propelled her along the ground and right out the door into the yard.

“My eyes!” Dan cried in agony, clutching his peepers as they ached with a worse pain than pepper spray had ever inflicted. “They buuurrrn!”

“Mine!” Elise proclaimed as she glomped onto her husband. In her panic, her words had been poorly chosen. Truthfully, she was only trying to shield his modesty with her own body. The result was a tangle of confused and frantic limbs that somehow compromised her own clothing and left them both with their shame on display. Had they been alone, events would have certainly taken a different course from there.

Dan’s screaming doubled in volume when he’d dared to open his eyes to take in the new sound of commotion. Elise and Chris were exchanging grunts and apologies as they struggled to untangle themselves and stand, only to repeatedly make the exact wrong moves that tied them into an ever tightening and revealing knot. At the same time, Pinkie’s nose bleed had finally dissipated. She was, however, still quite dazed with an especially goofy grin on her face as she lay mere inches from Dan’s car.

Fel, meanwhile, remained standing where Chris had once been. He looked out over the carnage he had wrought, studying every minute detail, reading every pained expression, and gave a contented smile. “Much better,” he sighed and turned to face the fourth wall. “All things considered, I suppose this could have gone much worse.”

Author's Note

And so goes our meeting with the Pearsons. Fel’s patience is starting to strain, but that should probably be expected. Originally I’d planned on taking them straight to the bakery, but realized I needed more details and figured meeting Chris and Elise might be more fun anyway. I’m playing around with Justice3442’s style while also keeping the writing my own; hence the screaming. So far, things seem to be flowing swimmingly.

Chapter 3: Damage Control

Several minutes later, the screaming and other sounds of commotion had come to a dead halt. The neighbors, as ever, pretended not to notice anything out of the ordinary, lest they somehow get caught up in the middle of whatever was definitely not happening. Chris and Elise had been afforded the chance to get dressed properly while Dan, Pinkie, and Fel waited patiently on the living room couch.

“Refreshments?” Chris called from the kitchen.

“I could use some milk. Lactose free, of course,” Dan reminded.

“Of course.”

“Some lemonade would be nice,” Pinkie requested weakly.

“I’m also putting on a chicken. Elise says the extra iron is good after you’ve lost a lot of blood.”

“Thanks.”

“And I’ll have a vitamin water,” Elise replied with a slight rasp from yelling.

“Sure thing, beautiful.”

“A glass of water will be fine,” Fel added politely. “Did you need any help?”

“It’s no trouble,” Chris replied. “You’re a guest. It wouldn’t be right to impose.”

“Guest,” Elise grumbled from the floor, busying herself with cleaning up all the blood. “Comes into my home! Gets blood all over my new carpet.”

“Sorry about that,” Pinkie said.

“Oh, I don’t blame you, Pinkie,” Elise assured. “The new guy-”

“Stalker Freak,” Dan corrected.

“-is the one who set off the initial chain of events. Ergo, this is all his fault.”

“A fair assessment,” Fel agreed. “As such, I wouldn’t mind helping you to clean.”

“No, no. It’s fine. Like Chris said, you’re a guest. And if we can welcome the likes of Dan into our home, I suppose we should be willing to show the same courtesy to anyone.”

Fel blinked. “An… interesting line of reasoning.”

“Put some elbow grease into it,” Dan cheered. “Gotta work double shift if you want to get blood stains out.”

“Ugh! I know, Dan,” Elise replied irritably. “This isn’t the first time people have bled all over my floor. In fact, the only reason we got the new carpet was because the old one was just so damaged that we agreed it was a lost cause.”

“Which would have never happened if you’d applied proper cleaning techniques from the beginning,” Dan informed with smug certainty.

Elise growled, mumbling an explicative under her breath that made Pinkie flinch.

Fel’s brow furrowed. “Elise. If it’s not too much trouble, I wish to ask something.”

“Shoot.”

“Well, as an alien to this world, I am unfamiliar with your foreign customs. General responses to mayhem and incivility have left me especially vexed.”

“Get on with the question!” Dan growled.

Fel pursed his lips at Dan and eventually turned back to Elise. “Given your past history with Dan, would it be deemed acceptable for you to break a plate over his head in retaliation for his current attitude?”

Elise gave an unexpected chuckle. “Yeah, no. I’m not doing that.”

Fel blinked again. “Why?”

“Because we’re in my house and those would be my plates,” she informed. “And who do you think has to clean up afterwards?”

“Ah,” Fel acknowledged. “So it’s not the action that is contentious, but the personal inconvenience. That helps me understand quite a bit. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Elise replied casually as she continued scrubbing. This new guy might not have made the best first impression, but his manners were a clear cut above what she’d become accustomed to with Dan.

“Drinks!” Chris announced.

Dan got his milk first, so as to avoid giving the impression of an insult which would only cause further problems down the road. “It’s about time.”

Next came Pinkie, who got a full carton which she immediately began to guzzle down. She might have said ‘thank you’, but it was hard to hear over her gulping.

Then came Elise. She took her custom formulated bottled water and gave her husband a kiss in gratitude.

Lastly was Fel, who accepted his glass with a polite nod. “Thank you, Chris.”

“Happy to help.” Chris remained standing between the kitchen and living room, keeping an eye on the oven while regarding his guests. “So, what’s this all about anyway? Are you guys on some kind of revenge run?”

“Not yet, at least,” Dan informed, already annoyed at having to tell this story a second time. “This guy says he’s from another universe, but one different from Pinkie. He said he wants to hang out with us until ‘something significant’ happens,” he said derisively.

Pinkie pulled the empty carton from her lips with an audible gasp. “In exchange, he says he wants to help stabilize the portal between Earth and Equestria so all my friends can travel to and fro as they like.”

“I’m just doing this for the chance to hang out with a real-life fire breathing dragon,” Dan added.

“Okay. Makes sense so far,” Chris acknowledged, grateful for the simple and straightforward explanation. At least it didn’t sound like anyone necessarily needed to be hurt on this adventure.

Elise sat up and looked back at the couch sitters. “You told him about the portal?” she asked apprehensively, not comfortable with such delicate secrets being shared so casually.

“Nah,” Pinkie assured enthusiastically. “He already knew. He knew about Twilight and everything.”

“Stalker Freak, remember,” Dan informed. “The name pretty much says it all.”

Elise narrowed her eyes on the stranger, vowing to not let herself be swayed by that handsome and disarming smile of his. “I still don’t trust you.”

“As you shouldn’t,” Fel agreed. “I’ve given you no reason to trust me.”

Elise stood. “Then how exactly do you expect me to give you access to my portal research?”

Fel took a sip of his drink. “You really need to put a filter on your water,” he said to Elise. “Fluoride has all manner of negative effects on the body and brain.”

“Finally, someone else gets it,” Dan agreed, feeling vindicated at hearing the words from another. “Why else would the government do it unless there was a shady ulterior motive?”

Elise opened her mouth to object, but no words came out. Although she’d always dismissed the fluoride thing as just another conspiracy theory, her time with her quasi-government source of employment told her that Dan’s remark probably held a lot more truth than she’d like to believe. She filed a mental note to look into that later. Also, given that Dan and Pinkie were in the same room, she felt a certain obligation to open her mind to possibilities normally dismissed as absurd.

Finally, Elise remembered where she was and tapped her foot impatiently. “I believe you were about to answer my question.”

“He does that a lot,” Dan commented. “Very evasive. Very shifty.”

Fel chuckled good-naturedly. “Well, since I want us to cooperate, that means that blackmail is off the table.”

Elise tensed. “What exactly do you have to blackmail me over?”

Fel leveled a flat stare at Elise. “Seriously? Do we really need to go over how I know what I know again? Because you people scream loud.”

Elise and the others all adopted bemused expressions, save for Chris who looked oblivious.

“Suffice to say that I have the ability to produce all manner of incriminating evidence that could not only get you locked up with several consecutive life sentences, but also start world war six and a half.”

“Half?” Pinkie asked.

“And what about wars three through regular six?” inquired Chris.

“You’re welcome,” Elise said with a finality that brokered no further elaboration. She folded her arms, now recognizing Stalker Freak as a true and proper threat.

“But I’m not going to do that,” Fel continued. “I would much prefer bribery over blackmail whenever possible, anyway. Helps to build good will that way.”

“Alright,” Elise allowed before taking a seat beside the couch. “And just what exactly do you have that I would want, besides incriminating evidence?”

Fel took another drink. “Besides being credited for the history making accomplishment of bridging the gap between dimensions, thus bringing humanity into a new era of exploration, understanding, and trade with a civilization of magical candy-colored talking horses?”

Elise smiled flatly as her imagination ran with the possibilities. She saw herself dressed as an ambassador, cameras flashing as she shook hand and hoof with Twilight Sparkle before the active and functional portal. In this vision she no longer needed to work in espionage, as just about every agency, government, and celebrity would be willing to pay whatever she asked just for the chance to talk with her. She could retire after just a few years, freeing her up to spend all the time she wanted with Chris. Who worked at a bakery. Under Dan’s employ. Thereby meaning she’d be reduced to a home body, letting her skills atrophy while she awaited Dan’s inevitable revenge schemes as the only cure for the grueling monotony of suburban life. Right then, out of everything she’d ever faced in her life, she was having difficulty imagining a worse kind of hell.

“Yes. Besides that,” she affirmed.

Fel shrugged his understanding and reached into his vest. “Well, there is one thing you might want.” He extracted a notebook and waved it tauntingly at the woman.

“And what might that be?”

Fel reached out to hand it over.

Elise eyed the book skeptically like she was afraid it might bite. “That book isn’t laced with anything, is it?”

“I can respect a healthy bit of paranoia,” Fel chuckled. “But no. We passed a convenience store on the way here and I thought this would be handy.” He extracted a receipt from his vest and placed it atop the notebook.

Elise leaned over and confirmed the name of the store, as well as today’s date.

“We didn’t stop at any convenience store,” Dan remarked.

“I checked myself out,” Fel answered. “Paid in cash before the cashier even knew what happened.”

“Impressive,” Pinkie marveled. “I wish I could shop that quickly.”

“Chicken’s done!” Chris announced as he brought a tray full of the butchered remains of a hen who once went by the name of Henrietta, only for her and all her friends to be thrown into a literal grinder. Oblivious to this fact, Chris served everyone a portion before sitting down and enjoying his own. Pinkie looked a little sad at first, but eventually joined the men in eating as well.

Elise, still wary, grabbed the notebook, holding it away from her body as though it had an offensive smell. With much trepidation, she applied the absolute minimum skin contact necessary to both corners of the book, and opened it. It took a second for her brain to catch up and make sense of what she was looking at. When that happened, she dug her fingers into the cover and practically threw her face into the pages.

“Honey?” Chris asked worriedly.

“N-nothing,” Elise replied, sounding distracted. “These are…” She cleared her throat and turned the page, only to feel her heart attempt backflips in her ribcage. “Where did you get these?”

Fel grinned sinisterly, his face the very picture of ‘gotchya.’ “I drew them myself.”

“Yourself!?” Elise exclaimed. As her fingers delicately touched the masterful strokes on each fragile page, she had no doubt in her heart that these were all hand drawn. Although the spy was no art critic, she could easily tell that the images before her were free of the impurity of digital line work. There was only good old-fashioned pencil and marker, line and color twisting and writhing in a heated dance to produce a truly jaw dropping piece of art. Elise turned to the next page, and the weakening of her knees made her grateful to already be sitting.

“So let me get this straight,” Dan interjected. “While I was driving at around 40 miles per hour-”

“Uh huh.”

“-you went into a store-”

“Yup.”

“-bought a notebook-”

“Paid in cash.”

“-and then proceeded to draw in said notebook-”

“Indeed.”

“-filling it with images that I’m fairly certain I’d rather not think about-”

“You really don’t.”

“I do!” Pinkie piped up.

“-and all without any of us seeing you do any of it?”

All eyes, save Elise’s, fell upon Fel, who shrugged. “I like to keep myself busy.”

“Just to clarify,” Chris meekly spoke up. “Should I be worried about what my wife is looking at?” he asked as he watched Elise turn another page. She made a faint whimper as her pupils widened to the point that her eyes barely had any white left.

Fel smiled flatly. “She’s just going through a, well, a doughnuts moment.”

“A what?”

“Like how Homer Simpson goes into a mild trance at the mere sight or mention of doughnuts,” Fel elaborated. “It’s just a brief moment of obsessive indulgence with something you crave. Nothing permanent.”

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Don’t tell me we’re suddenly running off cartoon logic or something,” he grumbled. “Me having super powers and Pinkie’s weird teleporting is one thing, but treating real life like a cartoon is just something I can’t abide.”

“What about ‘Who Framed Rodger Rabbit?’” Pinkie asked.

“… It’s a thing I mostly can’t abide.”

Fel clucked his tongue. “I am repeatedly fascinated as to where you people draw the line.”

“So what was this bribe thing you were talking about?” Pinkie asked.

At last Elise tore her eyes from the engaging images.

“Well, I thought it was rather obvious, but here it is. Elise. Cooperate with my shenanigans, and I’ll continue the series.”

“Series?” Dan, Chris, and Pinkie asked as one.

“Deal!” Elise screamed and snapped to face Pinkie. “Where’s the mirror?”

“Mirror?”

“The one you use to talk to Twilight. Where is it?”

Pinkie furrowed her brow. “I thought you still had one.”

Elise pursed her lips and averted her gaze. “Well…”

***

One swirly scene transition to signify a flashback later…

“Holy f#&ing Jesus Christ on a f#&! How do I work this thing!?” Elise demanded from her station in the lab as all kinds of hell was being raised around her. The lights were flickering on, off, and into some in-between state that mortal eyes were not built to process. The entire room shook as if from an earthquake, but the readings from what few working instruments remained said that there was nothing natural about these tremors. Most of the controls were no longer responding to manual input and she’d been locked out of voice command by what she could only have assumed to be a hyper advanced Trojan horse virus she’d picked up while experimenting with space-time. “Holy Jeez! What the-”

“F#&ing piranhas!” Twilight exclaimed from her end. It was the closest approximation she could think of to describe the vicious three-legged creatures that were marching out of her mirror. Upon emerging into this plain of reality, the things looked around, blinking as they took in the world with an almost wide-eyed innocence. They then jumped on the purple princess and tried biting at her soft parts. “F#&ing piranhas! F#&ing piranhas!”

“What the f#&!? Where the f#& did the octopus come from!?” Elise demanded of the tentacles that shot out from the dark places around her lab. The appendages flailed about like snakes pumped full of super cocaine. They grasped for anything and everything in their reach before adhering their awful suckers to their poor target, picking it up, and smashing it to pieces. Elise didn’t even notice the Pinkie clone – one of the few she’d saved from a prior experiment – being playfully tickled by the spawn of the outer realms that was otherwise raising absolute hell in her lab. “What in the Jesus!!! What the f#& is ha-pen-ing!?” she cried out in desperation as she opened fire with her pistol.

Twilight, similarly, had also resorted to offensive magic to hold back the scourge. “What the f#& is this!? Oh my Go-”

*BANG*

The areas surrounding both portals experienced a level 3 earthquake in the aftermath of both mad scientists’ emergency containment procedures.

***

“It, uh… broke,” Elise finished flatly, losing much of her prior urgency. “The point is, I’ve been meaning to ask for a replacement for a while, anyway.”

“But I thought you had, like, three more backups,” Pinkie recalled.

“Did they break during the earthquake last week?” Chris asked, trying to be helpful.

“Yes! They broke… then,” Elise affirmed, her voice stilted and her mannerisms constipated.

“Oh. Okay.” Cheerful as ever, Pinkie needed no further elaboration as she reached into her hair and extracted her hand-sized mirror. “Here ya go.”

“If I understand correctly that you are about to create a window to another universe,” Fel began, “then I would very much like to watch the process. Studying new means of generating portals is always fascinating.”

With Elise’s agreement, the rest of the company invited themselves along down into her secret lab.

“It still amazes me that you’ve managed to build all of this under our house,” Chris said as he marveled at the high ceilings and walls covered in machines whose names he was pretty sure he could never pronounce, let alone understand. “When was that, anyway?”

“Remember that vacation we went on a bit after our honeymoon?” Elise reminded as she submitted herself to the various scanners to confirm that she was who she said she was to the automated security system.

“Yeah?”

“Well, let’s just say I had a bit of… Ahem,” she awkwardly cleared her throat and motioned the others to turn around. When they did, she kept her eye on Fel – for she trusted him the least – as she dropped her pants and sat down on the rectal scanner. It blinked its confirmation and she made herself decent once more. “-a bit of renovation while we were gone.”

“Obviously,” Dan grumbled. “Either that or the house was built like that before you bought it.”

“I actually did have this setup where I lived while I was still dating Chris,” Elise informed conversationally as she led the group down the halls. “I mean, it’s not like I could have had a place like this with my parents breathing down my neck all the time.”

“Impressive layout and adequate security,” Fel appraised. “Would you be open to some constructive criticism on ways you could make improvements?”

Elise looked over her shoulder back at Fel. On principle she wasn’t opposed to honest critique of her skill. Advice from fellow masters in the various fields was one of the most convenient ways to see one’s flaws and improve. However, it bothered her that Stalker Freak might actually be counted among those respected masters. “I suppose…”

Fel quickly extracted a piece of paper from his jacket, scribbled some notes, and handed it over to Elise. She read what was written. Although his pointing out of the various flaws in her security were written with the utmost tact and his suggestions for corrections were acceptably professional, she still couldn’t help but feel just a tiny bit insulted by the sheer quantity of mistakes he’d listed.

Finally they made their last turn down the corridor and to Elise’s recently repaired lab.

“The rest of you can go sit over there,” the spy directed to a couch in the back. “There’s a TV and everything. I’ll get started over here.”

The party split with Fel and Elise going for the main work station while everyone else gathered around the TV to wait and see if anything interesting happened.

Fel watched intently as Elise placed Pinkie’s smaller mirror beside the glass pane that could have fit over an extra wide television screen. His eyes flashed faintly when he saw the mirror’s aura begin to radiate outward. The aura was on an ethereal spectrum, something that only beings naturally attuned to magic could see clearly. Even an alicorn like Twilight would have had to cast a spell to boost her senses. Near as Fel could tell, the aura of the smaller mirror seemed to be reaching for the larger mirror, likely in anticipation of what was to come.

“Hey Twilight,” Elise called into the mirror, making the reflective surface shimmer and shift to that of a room made of cool colored crystal. “Twilight?”

“Hmm?” A purple mare with a horn and wings poked her head out from the side. “Oh Elise. Thank goodness you’re alright!” she beamed happily. “I was worried when you didn’t call me back after…” She trailed off at spying the stranger. “Uh…” She pointed.

“It’s a long story,” Elise replied with a heavy sigh. “All that matters is this guy thinks he can help us with the portal, so I’m letting him help out.”

“Oh, then he’s a new work colleague?”

“That’s… probably the simplest way to put it,” Elise conceded.

“In that case, hello,” greeted Twilight as she posthumously extended her hoof to the mirror. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle. A pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is mine, Twilight,” he greeted with a short bow. “You may call me Fel, although Dan has taken to calling me Stalker Freak.”

“For exactly the reasons you’re imagining,” Dan called across the room.

“Who else is there?” Twilight asked.

“Hiiiii Twiliiight!”

“Pinkie?”

“Hey, Twilight.”

“Chris?” Twilight then looked between Elise and Fel, quietly demanding an explanation.

Elise twiddled her fingers together, apprehensive about giving so much away. “I, uh, didn’t want to bother you. That’s why it took me so long to call back.”

Twilight’s eyes widened as it hit her. “That’s okay. I,” she smiled guiltily, “didn’t want to bother anypony either.”

The two scientists of questionable ethics shared a knowing grin about how they’d both been too embarrassed by the failure of their last experiment.

“Wow,” Fel remarked. “That must have been some goof you two had.”

Elise whirled around on Fel and brandished her gun where Twilight couldn’t see. “Okay, how did you know about that?”

Fel rolled his eyes. “It’s all over your body language.” He gestured between Elise and Twilight. “You’re both terrible liars.”

“I’ll say,” Spike agreed as he came into view.

“Spike!” Twilight snapped. “I told you this room is off limits when-”

“No sock on the doorknob,” Spike reminded.

“… oops. Well I meant to!”

“Hey, is that my accidental arson buddy?”

“Dan?” Spike asked, running up beside Twilight.

“What’s up, mah lizard,” Dan greeted back as he also came up to crowd around the small mirror. “How’s it hanging?”

Spike puffed out his chest. “Yours truly just got done helping AJ with a little… pest problem.” He snorted a puff of smoke for emphasis.

“I like the sound of that,” Dan replied with a sinister toothy grin.

“Well, AJ’s barn got infested with a pretty bad batch of dire termites,” Spike began. “They’re just like regular termites, only dire.”

Twilight cleared her throat.

“Excuse you,” Dan replied impatiently. “We’re having a conversation, here.”

“Oh right!” remembered Elise. She turned the tiny mirror around to face the larger one and pressed the two pieces of glass together. The image upon the larger mirror quickly grew murky as hazy clouds began to swirl. Not a few seconds later, the image had changed to a much larger version of the tiny mirror. “There we go,” Elise bragged. “All done.”

“You can take this smaller mirror,” Twilight said to Spike after carrying out the same procedure. “It’ll connect with Dan’s so that you two can catch up.”

“Sweet!” Spike cheered as he and Dan wandered off to resume swapping stories.

“Fascinating,” Fel praised as he ran his fingers along the surface of the larger mirror. “Without the need of a verbal command, the original spell sensed the intent of its wielder and acted accordingly, duplicating the core matrix without sacrificing any of its internal power.” He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “For a spell created by a chaos spirit, the internal workings seem especially refined.”

Twilight blinked. “H-how did you get all that?”

Fel smirked. “I was invited as an outside expert for a reason,” he bragged. “Also, if I’m not mistaken, it appears that the spells on both mirrors seem to be drawing a bit of energy from Equestria as a sort of anchor, given this world’s utter lack of background magic. Inanimate objects can pass through easily enough, suggesting that this is already a stable portal. However, the issue is with complex organisms passing through, yes?”

“And you’re getting all of this just by, what, looking at the mirrors?” Elise asked, equally as stunned as Twilight.

“In a matter,” Fel agreed. “It is similar to how a great chef can deduce the ingredients of a cake just by the smell.”

“Cake?” Chris almost stood, but Pinkie grabbed his sleeve and held him down, shaking her head.

“I have traveled across many universes and studied the many ways of seeing,” Fel continued. “As such, I’ve adapted my eyes to pick up on just about every visual spectrum there is. Infrared, ultraviolet, etheric, spectral, ubidy’garmuch, various cloaking techniques, x-ray, and more.”

“Now that sounds like something I could use in my own research,” awed Twilight. “Do you think you could-”

“The surgery involves pulling my eyeballs from the sockets while the nerves are still intact,” Fel informed flatly. “The orbs are then split in half, in addition to twelve other incision points. Machines, genetically engineered nerves, and even a few unholy artifacts are all implanted within my peepers, all while I’m still conscious.” He gave a sinister smile. “And that’s just step one of twelve. “For the next part I had to-”

“I get it!” Twilight cut him off, trying to keep herself from gagging. “Seriously, why would you put yourself through something like that?”

Fel’s smile softened as he looked between the two women before settling on Elise. “Remember when I said I respected a bit of healthy paranoia? Well, I’m not the sort who feels comfortable with others getting the drop on me.”

Elise’s face was stoic. She’d dealt with far more gruesome things in the past, and so wasn’t as nauseous as Twilight. However, she had heard down the grapevine about what others in her line of work had done to themselves in the name of protecting what they considered precious. “Where you’re from. It’s pretty dangerous, isn’t it?”

Fel nodded. “Even with all of your training and gear, I fear that even the likes of you would be fated to meet a horrific end if you came to my world,” he informed somberly. “My home is a terrible and dangerous place for creatures like you. I’m working on changing that, but that takes materials and resources that are increasingly hard to come by. So, whenever I find myself in worlds like this, I seek out the nearest source of power to learn all that I can in the hopes of taking that knowledge back home and finding some use for it.”

“What use could this be?” Twilight asked, gesturing to the mirror. She’d heard the sincerity of his words and felt compelled to believe. As such, if he only wanted to help, then she was obligated to help as well.

“Communications, perhaps,” Fel offered. “It’s a big world and there are places where the service is basically dead or even undead. Another alternative could always be handy. Besides that, this type of portal isn’t exactly common. Maybe we could make use of it for deliveries, or even find a defense so that they can’t be used against us. Honestly, just about anything can be made useful if you put it in the hands – or hooves – of the right mad scientist.”

Elise and Twilight managed proud grins at the praise that they were reasonably certain had been delivered upon them.

“Of course, these are only initial assessments,” Fel continued. “The two of you have been running experiments for some months now. I’d love to see your research.”

Elise, while skeptical, agreed. She attempted to throw a few secret phrases Twilight’s way as the two compiled their notes on past experiments. She asked if Twilight sensed anything unusual about the guy, to which the purple mare agreed. Even with just their talk through a screen, Twilight felt that his explanations pulled at her heartstrings a little too well, almost as though his words had been carefully chosen for that exact effect. Both agreed to hold back on their most critical findings and just wait and see what Fel could contribute.

***

“-and it burned for three days straight!” Spike concluded.

“It’s at times like this I wish Equestria had recording devices,” Dan gushed as he imagined the sight of the great barn going up in flames that danced in a rainbow of color.

“We do, but I forgot to bring one,” Spike admitted.

“Well, now you know better for next time,” Dan reminded patiently.

Spike was grateful for his human buddy’s understanding. “But I seriously had no idea it was going to get that big! Lucky Rainbow was around with some rain clouds to keep the fire contained.”

Dan frowned skeptically. “All this from just some old barn?”

“A barn full of dire termites,” Spike reminded. “Twilight looked it up afterwards. Turns out the little bugs have a… volatile reaction to dragon fire.”

Dan bore his teeth as he grinned from ear-to-ear. “Dan want!”

“I can definitely see why you would,” Spike chuckled. “Although, they only react to dragon fire that way. Regular fire just makes them go pfft,” he approximated a flatulent noise. “Still makes a satisfying popping sound, though.”

“No doubt, but now I’m thinking of something else,” Dan said with a plotting expression.

“Is it,” Spike leaned forward and lowered his volume, “dangerous?”

Dan responded in kind. “Most likely.”

Spike’s grin mirrored Dan’s. “I’m listening.”

***

“This isn’t so bad,” Chris said as he and Pinkie watched cartoons. “You and me, just sitting back with some nice TV while our significant others scheme away.”

“I usually like the scheming,” Pinkie chirped. “Half the satisfaction of delivering righteous vengeance upon the sinful masses is seeing all the hard work from the scheming stage come to fruition.”

“Makes sense,” Chris replied evenly.

“But this is pretty fun too. Dan can sometimes be a little stubborn when he doesn’t want to watch the same things I do.”

“I thought you guys liked the same stuff?”

“Mostly, but I think Dan is being just a teeny weeny bit unfair to the Disney channel. Gravity Falls was freaking awesome!”

“No argument here,” Chris agreed. “Even Elise liked it… after a bit of negotiation.”

“What kind of negotiation?”

Chris’ cheeks turned bright red as he made a conscious effort not to look Pinkie in the eye. “Just… things,” he replied evasively.

“Oh. Things,” Pinkie giggled knowingly. “I don’t see what you’re so embarrassed about. It’s not like me and Dan don’t do things too.”

“It just feels a little weird talking about this sort of thing with someone else.”

Pinkie frowned. “If it’s something bad, I’m all ears. I used to give out advice to my friends in Ponyville all the time.”

“Advice?” Chris questioned. “On… things?”

Pinkie nodded. “Yappers!”

“Okay, just so we’re clear. When talking about things, we’re actually-”

“Talking about bedroom stuff, along with stuff that doesn’t necessarily have to take place in the bedroom,” Pinkie finished. “If it makes you more comfortable, just keep the descriptions vague and maybe use a little innuendo instead of explicit stuff. So long as we can maintain a teen rating, then it should be fine.”

Chris nodded, grateful for what he interpreted as a metaphor. “Well, it’s not exactly a problem, per se,” he explained with a jittery grin and rubbed the back of his neck. “If anything, it sounds more like I’m bragging.”

“That’s okay. I Pinkie Promise not to let this turn into a competition.”

Chris smiled. Now that he was aware that such a thing was possible, he was glad it had been taken off the table. “Well, the problem was that I like eating cookies in the bed, but Elise doesn’t like sleeping on the crumbs.”

“Dan and I have a similar problem with pizza.”

“Well,” Chris continued, “I’m not too sure how the conversation got there, but we kinda agreed that the issue was the mess and not the cookies. So long as I cleaned it up before light’s out, there wouldn’t be a problem. And then… I’m not sure if it was her or me who suggested the next part. And…”

“Yeees?” Pinkie inquired, leaning into Chris’ personal space.

“Well, instead of me using a plate in bed,” Chris struggled to keep his giggling under control, “somehow we came to the idea of, well, using,” he whispered as quietly as he could, “Elise as the plate.”

“Elise?” Pinkie whispered back.

“But with her nighty pulled up.”

Pinkie’s eyes practically bulged out of her skull. “I’m glad I Pinkie Promised not to compete,” she said breathily. “Cuz I’ve got all kinds of juicy stories that leave that one in the dust.”

“Same,” Chris whispered. “That’s just the only one I’m comfortable telling while Elise is in earshot.”

***

“Most excellent,” Fel said as he reviewed the notes he’d been given, pretending he didn’t have super hearing on top of super sight. “Several of these experiments… well, are impressively creative to say the least. And,” he held the paper up to his face and inhaled through his nose, “is it safe to infer that most of said experiments were created while under the influence?” he asked with a knowing grin.

“It was the only way for anything to make sense,” Elise argued, less defensively than she’d intended. “I mean, it’s Pinkie we’re talking about.”

“Clearly your families did a poor job of teaching you never to drink while sciencing,” Fel said. “Then again, it’s not like my own research teams are innocent on that front.”

“I don’t know. We’ve gotten pretty drunk before,” Twilight reminisced.

“Not as much as the first time,” Elise reminded, causing the both of them to titter nostalgically.

“I see that,” Fel said, flipping back to the first page of notes. “You created an army of lesser Pinkie clones that went into a frenzy and nearly raped Dan to death,” he described as if he were an officer delivering a citation. “That right there is the kind of thing folks lose their licenses over.”

“License?” Twilight asked, taken aback. “You give out licenses to science, er, to practice science?”

“After the indestructible giant fire breathing chicken: yes,” Fel intoned evenly, catching both women off guard. “Those responsible were hunted down, arrested, tried, convicted, heavily fined, put on indefinite probation, and then quietly hired on as unpaid interns to various companies researching weapons’ development.” His gaze darted between the two. “Watch your backs, or the same might happen to you some day.”

“Wow,” Twilight eventually said. “I can’t figure out if that’s a sign of grotesque corruption, or an almost unprecedentedly practical use of valuable resources.”

“Mad science isn’t exactly a market my people brag about with our neighbors, but it is an indispensable element of our economy.”

Elise chuckled. “Reminds me of what my government did with the Nazi scientists at the end of World War 2.”

“You told me about that,” Twilight remembered. “How goes the landing on Mars?”

“Shush-shh!” Elise hissed. Twilight’s ears folded back in recognition of her mistake.

Fel shrugged. “I won’t judge, at least not on that front,” he said evenly. “As we agreed, mad scientists are a valuable resource.” His relaxed comment led to both of his colleagues releasing tense breaths.

“Is anypony thirsty?” Twilight asked. “Because I’m pretty sure that was a good signal to toast.”

“I’ve got a spare bottle of wine if you’re interested,” Elise piped up. She then keyed away something on the control panel and a bottle and two wine glasses levitated down from the ceiling. “It’s an exact molecular duplicate of my grandmother’s wedding gift. I’ve duplicated tons of these and they taste better every time.”

“Does Chris know?” Twilight asked.

Elise had to think on that. “I share with him, if that’s what you’re asking. Although I’m not sure if it ever came up where I get them from.”

“Chris strikes me as the sort whose happy just seeing you happy,” Fel offered.

“Aww!”

Elise leveled a flat stare of betrayal at Twilight, forcing the alicorn princess to wince again. Just because Stalker Freak’s words were objectively true and sweet, that didn’t give Twilight the right to react accordingly. They still did not fully trust him. After all, the notes they’d given him might as well have been a child’s attempt to recreate ‘The Birth of Venus’ for all the scrubbing they’d done.

“Anyway, it would seem that he and Pinkie are keeping each other sufficiently occupied,” Fel informed, gesturing back at the pair now speaking animatedly on the couch. He turned back to face the ladies. “A toast to the eternal march of progress, perhaps?”

“I’m game.”

Elise sighed. “Yeah. That does sound pretty nice,” she conceded. So she popped the cork and poured herself and Fel a glass. For Twilight, she had to put the cork back in and manually hand the bottle through the mirror. Twilight accepted gleefully and poured her share.

“To new friends,” the purple mare cheered.

“To the unstoppable might of science,” Fel declared.

Elise had to think before she came up with a suitable response. “To good times with dangerous people,” she offered contentedly.

The three held up their glasses in cheers and downed their contents.

Author's Note

Everyone has calmed down and we get down to the nitty gritty as Fel starts doing sciencey stuff after some careful negotiation. However, while they still aren’t fully trusting of Fel, most all of these characters have learned to roll with the punches, so to speak.

Also a few callbacks to some great moments in the original story, which I recommend you all read.