Peace Through Superior Pie-er-Power

by CoffeeMinion

Rating: teen
Tags: Limestone Pie, Random, Cloudy Quartz, Maud Pie, Igneous Rock, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Thriller, Drama, Diamond Dogs
Length: 1641

It turns out Limestone's talent is for making margaritas. (That's not limestone in her cutie mark; it's rock salt.)

A Diamond Dog attack has shattered the quiet calmness of the Pie family rock farm. Now besieged in their own home, the Pies grow desperate to find a solution.

As it turns out, one of their four young fillies has a solution in mind—though it's a bit unorthodox.

This story is an entry in the Season 9 Bingo Contest. I received bingo card #042, containing "Starlight Relapse," "Pony Science," "Earth Pony Flight," "Ember," and "Diamond Dogs." I assert that this contains elements of "Pony Science" and "Diamond Dogs." Story idea & description text by FanOfMostEverything!

Published 2019-04-05 13:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-05 13:00:01 UTC

Macrosolutions to Megaproblems

Igneous hugged his four young daughters closer as the family hunkered down behind their overturned couch. He tried not to shake as the fillies were doing. Three of them bore tiny, scrunched-up muzzles that were contrasted by huge, fear-filled eyes—at least when they dared open them.

The face of his oldest, Limestone, was… different somehow. Her jaw seemed to be set in determination, perhaps anger. A fire burned in her yellow eyes—

His contemplation of them was cut off when another salvo of stones came raining in through the remains of the window behind them, spraying broken glass and splintered wood throughout the deteriorating living room.

“Gonna give us dis land, or we gonna take it!” came a throaty bellow from outside.

“Verily, ’t’was not what I meant by mine vision that the day would be momentous,” shouted his wife Cloudy Quartz, who huddled beside them.

Igneous failed to resist cracking a small, bitter smile. “I believe thee, my jewel. I ought not have tolerated the Diamond Dogs encroaching on the southern field as I did. Had I known—”

“Ye could not have,” Cloudy said, resting a firm hoof on his shoulder. “Thy Generosity and Kindness art a fitting testament to thine dedication to Harmony. But now we must needs pray that Harmony shall send us deliverance from those who would abuse thy better qualities.”

“We should fight them,” Limestone said with an intensity that seemed out-of-place with her high-pitched voice and diminutive frame.

Both Igneous and Cloudy turned their eyes on her. She met each of their gazes in turn before baring her teeth. “Come on, Dad; surely there’s something in here that we can use to fight back!”

“Nay, daughter,” Cloudy said. “The Way of Harmony is not one of violence—”

Another hail of stones punched holes through the wall. The couch shuddered from a hard impact. Marble gave a suppressed scream.

“Tell that to the Dogs, Mom. Though we’re not exactly gonna be able to ask them to accept Harmony into their hearts if we’re dead, are we?”

Cloudy sucked a sharp breath. “Limestone, mind thy tongue! ’Tis a time when we should come together as one, not descend into rebelliousness!”

“Must be something we can use,” Limestone grumbled. “Dogs’ve thrown in plenty of stones, anyway.”

One of the other fillies cleared her throat before speaking in a high but flat-toned voice: “Technically we do have access to explosives.”

As one, five sets of eyes swiveled to regard the brow-furrowed expression on Maud’s face. She blinked, and looked at each of them in turn with somewhat more than her usual level of emotiveness. “I just mean… we do.”

“N… no, daughter,” Igneous said slowly. “The blasting supplies are out in the shed. But even if we did have them, thy mother is right: we ought not return violence for violence.”

“I didn’t mean the things in the shed. I meant the bottle you—Dad—keep at the back of the highest cabinet on the left in the kitchen, and the bottle that you—Mom—keep underneath your knitting pile in the spare bedroom.”

Igneous’ eyes went wide. He turned to see Cloudy fixing him with an aghast expression. “Igneous!” she hissed. “Art thou… intemperate?!”

“Art thou?!” he spluttered, before turning his gaze back down on Maud. “Thou hast been snooping where thou ought not, daughter.”

Maud cleared her throat again. “I’m just saying, they’re both flammable. We could fashion a pair of Molotrot Cocktails out of them.”

“N—Neigh,” Cloudy uttered, before slumping and looking at the floor with an almost defeated expression. “I shall not countenance violence, although I… I confess to having an occasional nip of the bottle. Merely to keep away the cold, ye understand.”

“Aye,” Igneous said, slumping next to her. “It does get cold out there, working the stones.”

Yet another fusillade of rocks thudded into the house—this one toppling a table lamp and shattering a framed picture hung on the far wall.

Limestone growled. “You know what… if that’s how you guys actually deal with problems, no matter what you say…” She shifted herself out of Igneous’ grasp and took off galloping for the hallway.

“Daughter, no!” Cloudy shouted, reaching futilely towards her. “Igneous… thou must keep her from doing unimaginable evil!”

“Verily I shall. Mind the others…”

He popped up, glanced out the living room window—

“RUN!” he bellowed, for a dozen of the gangly grey dogs were closing quickly on the shattered window. Each bore cruel grins on their animalistic faces, and carried heavy-looking rocks in their upraised paws.

Igneous ducked back down and gripped the underside of the couch in his hooves, raising it and using it to charge toward the window. Behind him, he could hear Cloudy spurring three terrified fillies toward the hall. He hoped—prayed—that the couch would be just big enough to block the window—

He slammed the couch into the window frame with a teeth-chattering impact. Part of the wall gave way around it, but the couch stayed put. Igneous took a long breath to steady his juddering heartbeat… and then the stones began to hammer against the couch once more.

“Igneous!” Cloudy screamed.

Fueled by adrenaline, Igneous bolted out of the living room, down the hall, and around the corner to the kitchen.

He stopped short at the sight of a knife flashing in the light.

Limestone raised it.

Brought it down.

Made a cut.

A trail of liquid went flying in its wake.

It hit Igneous.

He squinted.

It burned.

He wiped at his eyes, and smelled a fresh and citrusy aroma from the clear liquid that came away upon his hoof. With mute uncertainty, he turned his gaze upon his family. They in turn were fixated upon Limestone, whose hooves were moving so quickly as to seem almost like a blur. Igneous watched as she mixed and poured out indeterminate liquids into a series of stone cups on the counter, all of which had some kind of crystal smeared around their rims, as well as slices of lime stuck upon them.

“Such intensity,” Igneous breathed. “She’s… no… no, Limestone, art thou creating… explosives?”

“Don’t have time, Dad,” Limestone said through gritted teeth.

Igneous met Cloudy’s eyes, and noticed that she was rubbing at one of her forehooves. “Verily, I tried to stop her!”

A sound of tromping and heavy growls came from the hall.

“There’s no TIME!” Limestone shouted.

Igneous strode toward her. “I shall not have thee use a homemade explosive on these intruders, no matter how dire—”

She roared at him, and pressed one of the cups into his face. He backpedaled, fumbling it, pulse racing with primal terror at juggling a live explosive. His rump hit the floor, and he shouted in wordless horror as he saw the lanky forms of Diamond Dogs pushing into the kitchen, as well as Limestone rushing toward them with her homemade concoctions.

The cup he was holding splashed into his open mouth.

His eyes went wide.

He coughed and spluttered, for much of it hit the back of his unprepared throat in a great rush. But even so, his sense of taste lit up with a delectable mixture of citrus, sweetness, and the cold, hard undercurrent of his favored… ah, ward against the cold.

Half-dazed from both the impact and the heavy dose of alcohol he’d just imbibed, Igneous watched dully as the Diamond Dogs all sniffed and sipped at the cups that Limestone had pressed into their paws. Eventually they all drank deep.

One by one, their rocks fell to the floor.

A smaller Dog giggled.

Two slightly bigger Dogs clinked their cups together, cheered, and took large gulps.

Igneous met Cloudy’s eyes. She returned a look of pure confusion.

Limestone approached Cloudy and offered her a cup. Cloudy raised it, took a sniff, and her eyes widened. Then she took a sip, and a beatific smile crossed her muzzle—before she caught sight of Igneous again, cleared her throat, and set the cup down.

“We trade,” said a large and heavy form above Igneous.

He focused his attention on a grizzled, muscular Diamond Dog standing uncomfortably close to him. The Dog’s yellow eyes flicked furtively from Igneous, to the table where the drinks had been prepared, to the small grey filly who had prepared them. She—Limestone—returned a triumphant-looking grin.

Then her eyes went wide. Twin flashes of light shone from her flanks, and she turned to regard the fresh new lime-and-rock-salt cutie mark that suddenly adorned them.

“A momentous day,” Cloudy breathed just loud enough for Igneous to hear.

“Pony!” shouted the Dog, drawing Igneous’ attention again. “We trade. Dogs have many good rocks. Dogs find many useful things. Dogs can find new home somewhere else, too. You give tools, and clothes, and tiny pony drink. Yes?”

Igneous blinked. On the one hoof, there were implications to his daughter gaining a cutie mark in practices that went against their family’s adherence to the Way of Harmony. Cloudy in particular seemed… unlikely to bear it well, over the long haul.

Though on the other hoof, it turned out she wasn’t above a nip every once in a while herself, however inconsistent it might be. Perhaps it was a blessing that they’d learned about each other’s inconsistencies, and that they weren’t incompatible.

It might even be enjoyable to be a bit inconsistent together…

But all such thoughts exited Igneous’ head as the huge Dog above him extended a paw downward. “Trade,” it said insistently. “We trade, yes?”

Igneous watched as the other Dogs began dispersing—filing down the hall, even straightening some of the hung pictures as they went. And as he turned his eyes back toward Limestone, his heart was warmed by the sight and sound of rare laughter from his prickly eldest.

“Y—Yes,” Igneous said, raising his hoof and shaking the big Dog’s paw.