The Longest Fight (or not)

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Cozy Glow, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Grogar
Length: 2297

The final confrontation is here. All of Equestria's baddest and evilest villains lead by Grogar, versus six determined ponies (plus one plucky dragon). But then, Twilight does something unforgivable...

The final confrontation is here. All of Equestria's baddest and evilest villains lead by Grogar, versus six determined ponies (plus one plucky dragon). But then, Twilight does something unforgivable...

Published 2019-05-03 11:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-05-03 11:40:01 UTC

This is it...

At long long last, after surviving so many perils and pitfalls along the way (not to mention having to return halfway through their journey due to a certain 'reliable' assistant having forgotten the sunblock), those lovable pastel ponies have only gone and done it.

After discovering Grogar's now not-so-secret lair upon the very cusp of the Equestrian map thanks to an unparalleled combination of songs, friendship and sheer dumb luck, Princess Twilight Sparkle and her determined entourage (minus Starlight, who was on a very conveniently timed caravan vacation with Trixie) have made it their life's mission to destroy the last lingering threat to their perfect utopia.

It hadn't been easy, though. Upon entering said dingy garrison of e-v-i-l, they'd had to deal with the nightmarish tag-team of Queen Chrysalis (now deposed) Cozy Glow (now expelled) and Tirek (now old and therefore completely useless) to get to the Main ~~Man~~ Ram himself.

Fortunately, in a battle royale far too drawn-out and gory to document here, Twi and the others emerged victorious, with nary a scratch on them and the Terrible Trio all safely secured in chains. Apart from Cozy, who was just the right size for a foal's playpen. You can imagine how thrilled she was about that.

Anyhoo, here we are now... in the hub of this accursed place, otherwise known as the Central Chamber. You can literally smell the wickedness in the air, and see the villainy peeling from the walls.

Well, maybe not, but the place could definitely do with a spring clean. Not to mention an interior decorator.

"So, here you are finally, My Little Ponies... and dragon. This was written in the stars, as the only one truly worthy of taking you out is me. Those pathetic subordinates I manipulated into joining me were just a temporary distraction, so I could put my real plans of conquest into motion..."

A noticeable shiver ran down the spine of everyone present (aside from the three prisoners, who just needed a comforting hug) as a booming voice of pure sinfulness echoed around their sparse surroundings. Where was it coming from? Should we stay, or retreat? And what's with all the white mist that's just appeared?

"There is no escape, for I have closed off every single exit!" Grogar's hideous bovine visage finally emerged from the dense fog, highlighted by his curved horns, glowing red eyes and nice jingly jewellery he wore around his neck. "By coming to my lair today, you have not only sealed all of your sorry fates, but also deprived your beloved families of seeing you grow up to have children of your own. I hope this tragic fact stays with you, as I mercilessly rip every last one of you to shreds."

"Ooh, so graphic! B-But I'm not going anywhere... I think." Fluttershy put her hoof to her lips in shock.

"I never run from anything... or fly, as I can do now!" Spike reminded everypony present for about the billionth time he had wings now.

"You're not going to beat us! You're a meanie!" Pinkie Pie seemed unimpressed by Grogar's grandstanding.

"You said it, Pinks! As long as we're together, nothing can topple us!" Rainbow Dash was as fired up as she'd ever been.

"You're darn tootin' there, sugarcube! Why, we're as unstoppable as... a swarm of hungry vampire fruit bats!" Applejack put her countryisms to good use.

"...And afterwards, we can come and spruce this place up a bit. With the right professional touch, this dreary grotto could be transformed into the newest subterranean outlet for my burgeoning Carousel Boutiques franchise!" Rarity remarked thoughtfully, as she had been looking to expand for a while into the notoriously difficult niche Diamond Dog market.

The ponies present (and even their hapless captives) conspicuously rolled their eyes at the fashionista's vanity, whilst leaving a little gap in the ongoing dialogue so their glorious leader could rally the troops with a rousing speech, or even just a pithy quip.

No such we-must-believe-in-ourselves moment was forthcoming however... in fact Twilight had quite unexpectedly disappeared altogether. Whilst the remainder of her merry band of Friendship Warriors glanced around in confusion, Grogar continued monologuing on, quite unaware of the ongoing situation.

"...So, you fools actually think you stand a chance against me?! Don't make me laugh!! I've been battling the forces of Light and Goodness before your kind even roamed the plains, and I've never gotten so much as a bloody nose! What makes you simpering fools think you stand any more of a shot? Just to show you how utterly confident I am of supreme victory, I shall now relay to you in minute detail my entire brilliantly convoluted plan from the very beginning, before I sign all your death warrants for good! It all started when I said to myself 'Grogar, you've been sitting all alone in this dusky sinkhole for too long. It's about time you got yourself out there again, stopped being such a shut-in and embraced the joys of the modern world.' Why, I'd wager today's youth haven't even heard of the Great and Powerful Grogar! I bet some lackadaisical fraud has stolen my title too, without even realising it's true origins or that it's fully trademarked! No matter... once they see me emerge from the depths in all my majesty, they'll bow down as my humble servants whether they like it or not! Bwhahaha..."

"Um, Evil Laugh Guy... I believe you were saying something about a 'cunning plan'..." Pinkie moved her hoof in a circular motion to indicate time was a-ticking.

"Honestly, the younger generation... no patience or respect for their elders at all!" Grogar growled garrulously at having his self-serving sermon suspended, but carried on regardless. "No matter. Once you're all hanging on my wall like hunting trophies by your entrails, you'll have no choice but to listen to my endless soliloquies! Anyway, as I was saying: you think everypony being here today was a coincidence? Guess again! I lured you all to this precise spot, when the moon is in the eighth constellation of Aries, so when you're all dead and gone, your sacred blood can be used in a hallowed ritual to resurrect an invincible evil even more powerful than I! The name of this loathsome fiend, which should only be spoken in the most hushed of whispers if you know what's good for you, is..." ZAP!!

" 'Zap'? What kind of a 'terrifying' overlord is named after a delicious limited-edition apple?" Rainbow Dash was about to giggle at the patent absurdity of such a harmless moniker, when she and her friends realised the last word there didn't come from Grogar's malevolently fanged mouth at all.

Instead, it was the sound effect of one Twilight Sparkle's horn being put to good use. Whilst he'd been otherwise occupied ranting on like a maniac, the sneaky alicorn had crept ninja-like behind the showboating ram and charged up her cranial appendage to maximum capacity. At the precise moment the recommended limit had been reached, she'd released the full power towards her target's head at point-blank range. It was like hitting an egg with a sledgehammer.

Needless to say, what little that was left of the former despot now blew freely in the sparse breeze like confetti. After uncovering their eyes when the intense blast had done its job, Twilight's company stared nonplussed at the grinning princess herself, who seemed in a particularly celebratory mood.

"Yeah! That's what you get!!" Twilight said enthusiastically, before apparently bringing back her 'unique' dance moves from her Canterlot party Rarity had organised a few years back. "Our pal Grogar is now an also-ram! Get it? I've been working on my action one-liners after we get into so many fights together, can't you tell? Of course, I couldn't have defeated the vile usurper without my friends humouring him whilst I got into position to work my 'magic', tee hee! Once again, we've saved Equestria from the moral vacuum of turpitude, viciousness and daring to question Friendship as a way of life! Come on, everypony! High hoof!"

For some reason though, Twilight's friends didn't seem so eager to acknowledge Grogar's abrupt and rather messy passing in quite the same ecstatic way. Instead, most were wearing expressions which ranged in appearance from complete shock to total outrage, and the first to speak among them was Applejack, who removed her stetson to talk in a sorrowful and chaste tone.

"Darn it, that was a low blow, sis. Jus' took the poor guy unawares, before he even had chance to defend himself. Dirty pool Twi, dirty pool."

"Yeah, and using us as stupid props whilst you had to hog all the glory yourself... as usual!" Rainbow Dash spat out in fury, having prepared herself for an epic confrontation for nothing. "I woulda given him a left... and a right... before finishing him off with the classic Rainboom Kick... but nnnooo! Miss All-Powerful Alicorn has to finish him off in a single blast! In fact, come to think of it, why do you let us tag along with you at all?! Why not solve all Equestria's problems by your own perfect self, clearly we're just getting in the way...!"

"W-We never even got to try and turn him into a useful, productive member of society..." Fluttershy complained, with tears nearly cascading down her cheeks. "I-I think I'd like to have tried, at least. If it worked with Discord..."

"Exactly! And he never got to tell us his super-special-classified plan for World Domination!" Pinkie always did have a hidden detective side, as evidenced by her constant brandishing of a deerskin hat and magnifying glass. "I hate loose ends! We don't even know the name of his Evil Master! I didn't wanna have to tell you this Twi, but ya really screwed up this time."

"Ugh, and just look at all the fragments of vaporised Grogar on my brand new silken gown!" Rarity wailed in anguish, trying to waft away the floating pieces of ash, without much success. "I hope as a Princess of the realm you have a few bits stashed away, because as soon as we return, I expect to be fully compensated... both materially and emotionally!"

"Just when you think you know everything about somepony..." Spike stated simply, more saddened than truly angry.

"B-But, I saved Equestria! I'm a hero!" Twilight desperately tried pleading her case, as her annoyed friends turned their backs on her one-by-one. "Hey, evildoers... you guys will back me up on this, right? Even you were scared of Grogar! You heard that long speech he gave, didn't you? Wasn't he the epitome of all things heinous and cruel in Equestria? Come on, don't leave me hanging here!"

"You're on your own this time, Princess Twilight Sparkle!" Chrysalis hissed at the alicorn with barely disguised contempt. "Many are the diabolical ways I've fantasied about how I'll destroy that pathetic pretender to the throne Thorax, but even I'd give him fair warning before brutally curb-stomping him to the ground! Despite being so generally hateful, one of your few redeeming traits for me was that you always gave your opponents a fair crack. Well, not anymore. Now I can despise you with complete impunity, and not feel the slightest regret for doing so, either!"

"I agree, and as for that thing you said about 'speeches'..." Tirek now relayed an opinion using his rasp of a voice. "Either you're the world's biggest hypocrite, or you're being wilfully blind. Do you have any idea how tedious your own lengthy lectures can get? I've been at this 'evil' thing a very long time, and let me tell you... the amount of my valued colleagues who come up to me to say they only handed themselves into the authorities to avoid listening to yet another sanctimonious 'Twilight Special' is astronomical! So Grogar was overblown and grandiose in his everyday prose. So what? The only difference between you and him is philosophical beliefs! Still not a good enough reason to just blow him to smithereens!"

Even the much-missed Sombre seem to reach out from beyond the shadows to empathically state "YOU SUCK!!" although this may have just been a product of Twilight's rapidly restless imagination.

"H-Hey! Where are you all going?" The princess asked urgently, as a chorus of shaking heads and disappointed sighs began moving ahead without her then. "P-Please, just give me another chance to make amends! I solemnly swear... the next big threat we encounter, I'll give you first dibs on them! I'll keep my lectures to under three... no, four hours from now on! I'll tell you what 'turpitude' means! I'll even let you take it in turns to sit on my throne! It's a big honour! Please! Come back!!"

"Don't fret Twi, I'll always wuv you!" Not to worry: Twilight still had a friend in child sociopath Cozy Glow, and the young pegasus reached through the bars of her makeshift crib with gusto. "If you'd like, we could spend some time together... stack books, play draughts, compare magical artefacts..."

"Oh, be quiet you little gremlin, before I pour cold water on you!" Twilight admonished her junior detainee harshly, before dashing off to state her case further.

Don't worry, they all forgave her in the end.

After all, how long could you realistically hold a grudge with your headmare, without being fired?

Exactly.

Author's Note

Yes, the title (and abrupt resolution) are a Game Of Thrones reference relating to the latest episode. No, I don't think this is how the MLP finale will go down... it was just something amusing I wrote with a bit of mild OOC-ness thrown in for humour purposes.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Please comment below, whatever your opinion. :scootangel: