Unconventional Conclusions

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Anthology, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Equestria Girls, Comedy
Length: 4548

Typewritten tales from the last Bronycon.

At Bronycon 2019, Quills & Sofas held about half a dozen manual typewriters. Yet again. I wrote still more silly stories on them, some on the subject of typewriters, some based on panels I attended, and some that didn't easily slot into either category. Funnily enough, all the typewriter-based stories belong in other collections, so this features the panel-inspired ones followed by the miscellany.

Rated Teen for discussion of violence and reactions to it in "Full Feather Jacket."

Published 2019-08-11 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-11 00:30:01 UTC

Physicists Invade Equestria: Sunlight Princess

"Chickens? Really?" Twilight realized just to whom she was speaking, and moreover, how badly she'd botched the heavens before that pony had pulled her cutie mark out of the fire. "I mean... we all have our phobias, right?" She silently hoped nopony brought up the Quesadilla Incident.

Celestia just smiled, her mane wafting in the sunrise. "Indeed." The smile grew strained. "And given how many of your more embarrassing moments I know about, I... suppose it's only fair you hear about this one."

Twilight gave a nervous giggle. "Frankly, after yesterday, I'm afraid I'll develop a fear of swans. But you don't have to—"

"Come now, Twilight," said Luna. "You'll be taking the throne soon enough. If you cannot treat us as equals now, then I can scarcely imagine how you will behave when you are our better."

"Better?" Twilight drew back, feeling her wings flare out. "I don't want to be anypony's better!"

"And we can discuss those sorts of social implications now if you so desire." Celestia yawned. "Or possibly later this morning. It has been a long night after all."

"Oh, but sister, we have yet to hear of why you so fear barnyard poultry!" Luna said brightly. "Come, regale us with your grand struggle against the combed menace."

Twilight tried to wave it off. "I don't think that's especially ne—"

"And if you do not, I will."

Celestia frowned. "But you weren't even there."

"Indeed I was not." Luna gave a feline grin. "And because I remain so ignorant, I shall happily compose my own saga of Celestia the Bold, who nobly soiled herself at the Battle of Coop's Bridge."

"This is revenge for the zip line, isn't it?"

Luna shook her head. "This is merely the younger sibling's prerogative. The Cutie Mark Crusaders have waxed eloquent on such matters many a time, as my comrade in arms can surely confirm."

"No comment," said the other younger sister on the balcony, studiously avoiding both diarchs' gazes.

Celestia sighed. "Very well. It was during the first decades after your banishment, when I was still using Starswirl's mirror gallery as a way to ignore all I had done wrong." She shook her head. "Of course, ignoring the nation led to worse problems down the line, but that was another matter.

"While some worlds offered scientific, magical, or cultural wonders I could bring home and use to justify my dereliction of duty, others were realms in crisis." Celestia shut her eyes and sighed. "I thought that if I could help them, it would help make up for my failings in this world."

Luna rested her neck against Celestia's withers. "Thou wert ne'er the one who needed to atone, dearest sib." A midnight blue wing flicked tears away from each princess's eyes. "The fault, like the punishment, was mine own."

"So... the chickens?" Both sisters turned to Twilight, the shock on their faces making it clear they had forgotten she was there. "Sorry, it's just that... Well, you two have made excellent progress on this matter. Your vacation is proof of that, given what you've been telling me. You don't need to wallow in your guilt over what happened. At this point, it isn't constructive."

Luna nodded with a grin. "So sayeth the Princess of Friendship."

"Language, Luna." Celestia turned to Twilight, her own smile gentler, but no less amused. "You're sure you don't just want to hear an old mare's embarrassing stories?"

"I mean... you did offer. And I can't deny that I'm a little curious. I mean, chickens? And I know it's not because of cockatrices. I remember how you and Spike led the efforts to repel the giant mutant ones when they invaded Canterlot during the Secretariat Comet Incident."

"Well, it all began in one of those imperiled worlds, a strange one filled with creatures not unlike the ones you encountered in the land Sunset Shimmer now calls home. It had been despoiled by evil long ago, and while that evil was largely contained at the time, it would not remain that way for long. A hero from days of yore had emerged from his slumber to vanquish it once and for all."

"Pray tell, sister, rich a world though this may be, how does it lead to a fear of chickens?"

"Did you fight alongside the hero? Was the evil..." Twilight scrunched her muzzle as she struggled to imagine the phrase on the tip of her tongue. "Was it a chicken?"

"No. The chickens were far worse."

Celestia was thoroughly unimpressed with this world. Bad enough that it left her without horn or wings, it even stripped her of her voice. Worst of all, the sound of an explosion had made her dash away from it, catch herself, run towards it, and only then realize how handicapped she was. Even earth pony magic seemed out of her reach, and now she had lost track of which rock along the foot of the nearby mountain connected to the portal home. She nickered to herself as she thought about how to proceed.

She heard the rustling grass scant moments before the creature leapt on her back.

She did everything in her power to try to dislodge the thing, rearing and thrashing as best she could. And the predator, some dumb beast that could well end her life like an animal if she truly was as diminished as she feared...

Scratched behind her ears and rubbed her cheeks.

Celestia slowed and stopped, partly from exhaustion, partly confusion. This was no predator, so what was it? Her current body was too inflexible to get a good look at what sat atop her, but—

Wait a moment. How long had she been trotting? And why was that building with a giant pony head getting closer?

With a start—one that got a frustratingly pleasant ear scratch—Celestia realized the creature atop her was directing her motion with pressure at her sides. She felt an eyelid twitch and voiced her displeasure as best she could.

That just got her mane ruffled. She rolled her eyes. Her rider wanted to go to what appeared to be a stable or inn? Fine. She broke into a gallop, not letting any amount of ear scratches slow her down.

She didn't notice the chickens until she was already trampling them. She winced. There was no need for innocents to suff—

"CU-CUCCOOOO!"

Celestia realized she may have erred in assuming the chickens' innocence.

Then she and her rider both screamed.

Author's Note

I think this one's inspiration came from this panel. Suffice to say, at some point, someone proposed that Celestia's fear of chickens came from a time she subbed in for Epona. Naturally, I ran with it, especially given He Come to Town.

Starswirl's gallery of mirror portals and the cockatrice invasion of Canterlot both come from the comics.

Let's Create a Bad Fanfiction Together, LIVE!: Another Matter of Principals

"Good morning, my volatile little heaps of hormones. This is Interim Principal Discord with your morning announcements, because the universe is strange and not entirely explicable. Yet.

"Students are reminded to please keep the floor clear of all manifestations of supernatural energy, tangible or otherwise. The last thing we need is another stuffed alligator sent to the hospital.

"The Dance Your Left Nostril Off Festival is this coming Friday, starting at 6 PM in the gymnasium for those of you who bother with such things. Proper attire is available from Interim Vice Principal Berrytwist for $3.14 per outfit, and the moment I determine how to change an irrational fraction of a cent, I will. Be sure to specify size and style; we're passing these all off on Rarity and she needs all the help she can get.

"Please be advised that the tome of ancient, eldritch lore Principal Celestia received from her divine equine counterpart has still claimed as Band Practice Room C as its rightful territory and refuses to release the Equestrian Luna until its demands have been met. No, it has not yet told us what those demands are. Given that Celestia's the one who endowed it with sapience, cake should suffice. It always worked on her back in her teens.

"On that note, students are advised to keep an eye out for pony analogues replacing their classmates. Sunset Shimmer has confirmed that an offer of bratwurst should crack any would-be infiltrators' resolve. Be vigilant, students. We don't want a repeat of the Rainbow Dash Incident.

"Finally, the Rainbooms are looking for a new member of their magical containment unit while Fluttershy recovers from a failure to believe that friendship is, in fact, magic. Applicants are expected to blindly obey the commands of extraplanar horse women, deliver after-school special morals with a straight face, and play the ocarina.

"Today's lunch is soggy waffles and chocolate milk, my treat. And do remember to let Celestia know precisely how well I'm doing in her position. Otherwise, she might try to make me fill in for her again.

"That is all."

Author's Note

Yeah, this was lifted largely from the results of one of the Mad Lib-style terrible fics. But EqG Discord was involved, and he has a special place in my heart. This resulted.

Movies in Pony Voices: Full Feather Jacket

"Huh." Rainbow Dash either had a thought or got mildly concussed; the two looked nearly identical.

Given how she was having a picnic with Fluttershy, odds were it was the former, though there had been that time Luna had been doing target practice with micrometeorites. "What is it?" said Fluttershy.

"I know your dad worked at the weather factory for years," said Dash. "Heck, I interned under him. But what did your mom do for a living before she met him?"

"Oh." Fluttershy blinked. "You know, I'm actually not sure. I'll have to ask her."

"Think it had anything to do with flowers?"

"Probably... though she was born in Cloudsdale. Not many other pegasi care much for gardening."

Dash shrugged her wings. "Whatever. This is your mom we're talking about. I'm sure it was something sweet and gentle."

Twenty-five years earlier...

"Good morning, scum," the pegasus mare said as she stalked down the lines of bunks. She didn't raise her voice. By all rights, it shouldn't have been audible from both ends of the barracks while she was in the center. But aside from her, the room was dead silent, her soft voice filling every available corner and leaving no room for even the possibility of another sound. "My name is Drill Instructor Shy, but as far as you sacks of glue are concerned, I am the mare who raises the sun and moon. Henceforth, you will speak only when spoken to and the first and last words out of your drooling sphincters will be 'Ma'am.' Is that understood?"

Once her voice left room for anypony else, the recruits shouted, "MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!"

That got a grudging nod. "Well. It seems there's something in your skulls besides horse apples. But I'm not convinced that that wasn't a fluke." She turned with cobra-like speed, pinning down a unicorn unfortunate enough to be next to her with her gaze. "You there."

He swallowed, eyes darting between looking at her and staring straight ahead. "M-ma'am?"

"Do you think you could kill a pony?" she asked, calm as could be.

He reached a compromise of staring at her. "Ma'am?"

"Did I stutter? I asked you if you thought you could kill a pony, Private. Or did you think joining the Royal Guard just meant standing around looking pretty and waiting for Celestia to walk by and check her reflection in your helmet? You will learn to use a spear, Private, to drive it into some unfortunate soul and not even watch him bleed his life away because three of his friends are trying to do the same to you." She leaned close enough to smell his fear and, no louder than before, said, "Do you think you can do that?"

The stallion collapsed and emptied his stomach on the floor, tears streaming from his eyes.

Drill Instructor Shy shook her head. "Disgraceful. Private Upchuck, you are excused to go fix your mascara." She didn't even watch as he tottered to his hooves, instead surveying the room. Several others looked as unsteady, though many still stood still as statues. "But you should all know that you will be expected to serve your country to the fullest of your ability in the event of international conflict, and I am expected to prepare you for such a dark day. When we are through, you will curse the very air I fly through, but rest assured, each and every one of you will be killers. Do I make myself clear?"

"MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!"

"Fan-feathering-tastic."

Author's Note

Well, when her daughter took R. Lee Ermey's part, it seemed like a natural extension of the theme.

Voice Actor Script Reading: Retirement Blue Giants

Author's Note

This script reading gave Equestria Girls the closest thing to a satisfying canon conclusion we'll likely ever get. Among other events, the Celestias of Equestria and the human world ended up in the other's world. While the princess seeks purpose in the wake of giving Twilight the throne, the principal beats up Cthulhu with the sun. Then decides to do the same to any other evils that might be hanging around.

Spike alerts Princess Luna. Her response is curt:

Voice Actor Script Reading: Retirement Blue Giants

"''Tis about time'?"

"And a good evening to you, sister." Luna kept her focus on raising the moon. After all the activity the sun had seen today, her own charge was sulking a bit.

"What exactly was that supposed to mean?" said Celestia, who from the sound of it had forgotten that her royal title was a thing of the admittedly recent past. Granted, they were still quartered in the palace, but Luna gave that another generation at most before they were politely asked to leave.

"You will need to be more specific." There. The petulant little attention horse was thoroughly placated, assured it was just as important as the sun, and set on its course. Honestly, Luna didn't know where it had learned that kind of behavior. "There are times for many things. A time for Neighsay to retire, a time to relax nighttime noise pollution statutes, a—"

"I think you know what I mean."

Luna rolled her eyes. That tone hadn't worked on her for more than a millennium. All those students must have preserved the habit. As she turned to face Celestia, she said, "Clearly I do not, or I would have answered your question by now."

The attempt to loom over her was similarly out of date. "A certain emergency Spike warned you about?"

"Ah, yes, your human counterpart." Luna took a few steps back to better give her sister a flat look. "Good to see someone take a stand against irrelevance."

Celestia drew back as though struck. "Excuse me?"

"Sister, from the moment we returned from our post-abdication vacation, neigh, even during it, you have moaned and whinged about having no purpose left in your life. Never mind how this is the end result of a scheme you put into place, it is clearly the worst thing to ever befall you. Despite the fact that these are circumstances of your own making, you, o queen of wheels within wheels, made no plans for yourself after you gave Twilight the throne. And it seems your answer to that crushing ennui was to do what you have done for literal centuries, save you did it in another world."

Neither said anything for a time. Finally, Celestia sighed. "Not my finest moment, no. Though in my defense, Grogar—"

"Aye, the goat carries some blame, but not all. I said 'twas about time not only to see the power of the sun brought to bear in a way that does not glass the countryside, but that a Celestia actually left her comfort zone, to use the modern term." Luna gave a wry smirk. "You could learn from yourself, Tia."

"I've already learned much today..." Celestia turned away. "Though I suppose lessons never truly end."

Luna wrapped Celestia in a hug. "Was it not our teacher who said only the dead stop learning? Come, dearest sister, tell me of your travails in the shimmering lands of humanity. I would know of yon faculty lot and the dread power it contains."

My Little Family Feud: Renuminations

"It's an interesting question, isn't it? Not only 'who is best pony,' but 'what is best pony?' And, indeed, 'how is best pony?" What pressures does somepony so beloved by all face? How might they endure them? Should the ones who offer such praise and accolades consider the willingness of a pony to stand in the spotlight?"

Luna sighed. "Sister, are you still upset over not making Pony Magazine's Top 10 Most Beloved Ponies this year?"

Celestia tittered at that, sounding so lighthearted and carefree that it was almost believable. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm above caring about such meaningless popularity contests. I'm merely concerned for Fluttershy's sake, given how she reacted to the last time she was in the public eye. Frankly, I'm a little insulted you thought otherwise, Number 7."

"Luna," said Luna, eyes narrowed.

If anypony asked, Celestia was just admiring the view off her balcony. Avoiding eye contact with certain sisters was merely a side effect. "That's what I said."

Author's Note

The final question of the Feud was "Who is best pony?" Fluttershy was indeed number 1, and Luna was number 7.

Celestia wasn't even on the list.

International Incendiary

Nopony could be Twilight Sparkle's friend for long and not get used to her squees of academic joy whenever some interesting phenomenon happened. That wasn't what concerned Applejack. What did was the bustling metropolis on the very edge of the Cutie Map, where her mark now spun. "Hang on," she said, "I thought the kirin lived in the Peaks o' Peril. What's this 'Tokirin' business?"

Twilight paused in her pronking long enough to scowl at her. "Creatures can have more than one settlement, Applejack." A flick of the horn, and several points on the map's oceans lit up. "The hippogriffs had numerous underwater outposts. Some of them even survived the Storm King's bombardments."

"Yeah, about that," said Rainbow Dash, who'd also been called. "Were they hippogriffs or seaponies first? I'm not clear on that and Silverstream doesn't exactly help clear things up when you ask."

"In hindsight, having Pinkie Pie teach philosophy and dialectics wasn't the wisest decision I ever made." Twilight shook her head. "But we're getting off-topic. The point is that the Map is sending you two on a mission! I wasn't even sure if it still could after the Tree of Harmony was destroyed, but maybe this is how we can help it recover!"

Applejack scratched under her hat. "If you say so, Twi, but it seems pretty darn recovered t' me."

"No kidding," said Dash. "When do you think Princess Luna's gonna stop sulking over the students taking over her old castle?"

"Well..." Both turned back to a grimacing Twilight. "Truth be told, Princess Celestia isn't taking it much better. She just sulks more... subtly."

———

Twilight shook her head as she watched the camera obscura's projection. "Spike! Let Celestia know she should stop drafting that eviction notice on the surface of the sun! She ceded the castle to me before Tirek struck and I still haven't given it back!"

———

"But that's neither here nor there. You don't need to worry about that, just getting to the Akiumara merchant district."

Applejack saluted. "Yes, ma'am."

"I bet I can find the friendship problem first!" cried Dash.

Twilight sighed. "Could you at least wait until after you leave the map room before giving me reasons to worry about this mission?"

The parliament buildings were a feast for the eyes, gorgeous architecture containing a blend of modern and ancient building methods that made Twilight wish she were here under happier circumstances. She bowed the precise degree she was meant to according to an internal protractor spell and said, "Thank you for having me, Minister Heat Haze. May I ask what the problem is? The earlier missives were... cryptic."

The kirin buck gave her a look flat enough to serve as a foundation before taking a scroll in his magic. "Your colleagues addressed a cruel game of life and death going on under our very muzzles, in the shadows of one of the brightest jewels of Neighpon."

"Oh. I'd been wondering how the friendship mission had gone." Biting her hooves to the point Twilight had needed to magically regrow them certainly qualified as "wondering." "I had no idea it... would..." Minister Haze's look had found a way to grow even less amused, making the embers playing along his eyebrows especially concerning. "There's more, isn't there?"

He made a show of unrolling the scroll, the text facing him. Twilight couldn't read whatever was written there, but she could see the scorch marks easily enough. "From what we could gather from the prisoners and eyewitnesses, while they went into Akiumara by surface rail, they chose to leave by subway. At rush hour."

"Oh." Twilight gulped, already putting together the pieces. "Voluntarily?"

"Voluntarily or not, Ms. Dash's claustrophobic panic attack set off several nearby passengers, who set off several others, and so forth. What pulled into the next station could very accurately be described as a chariot of fire. We have systems in place to prevent one or two nirik, of course, but not several dozen igniting in a matter of seconds."

"I see." Twilight winced. "How many casualties?"

"Virtually none. Kirin or nirik, fire cannot harm us, though there were a few broken bones in the ensuing riot. The infrastructural damage was far worse."

She swallowed, dreading the next question. "And my friends?"

"Alive and recuperating. We are willing to negotiate for their release."

Twilight sighed, half from relief, half from dread. "This is going to involve some very unfavorable trade deals, isn't it?"

Minister Haze quirked an eyebrow. A corner of his mouth turned up just a touch. "Not for Neighpon."

Author's Note

Yeah, I don't even know how I came up with this one. Though you have to admit, it's way too easy to imagine Dash doing this. And the idea of her and Applejack in Akihabara, especially in the context of The World Ends With You, is something to treasure.

Dressed to Progress

Twilight fidgeted with her glasses and smiled. "It's funny. For the longest time, I told myself and others, 'I'll never get into cosplay. I don't have the confidence.' And yet here I am, in wig and lab coat." She did a little twirl to show off the glowing syringes that tied together her tribute to the protagonist of H. P. Terror's "Re-Vivifier." "I suppose part of it is that this isn't exactly the most elaborate costume in the world. Being able to slip into a bathroom and Canter Clerk my way into or out of plainclothes does wonders for me. The little voice in my head that says 'They're all looking at you!' loses its impact when the only time it's true is when they're supposed to be looking. It's actually the same reason I never joined the Girl Scouts. Even I thought the uniform was dorky, and wearing it to school? No thank you." She spread out her arms. "But here? Now? I'm surrounded by other, more elaborate outfits. Compared to them, this barely even qualifies as a Samhain costume.

"It's kind of ridiculous, isn't it? I've gone straight from dreading the embarrassment of being seen in cosplay to the shame of not trying hard enough. My brain just can't let me win sometimes."

She took a deep breath and nodded. "But yeah, thus far, thoroughly positive experience. It's still early and we'll see how I feel once people actually, you know, show up, but I'm feeling optimistic."

"Wonderful to hear, darling," said Rarity, adorned in a great deal of elaborately curving latex that held on to her form through a mix of double-sided tape and hope. She patted Twilight on the cheek, producing a number of squeaks from her outfit and a few from other early arrivals to the convention. "We'll make a regular of you yet."

Author's Note

This began as me sorting out my thoughts on paper the day I cosplayed as Sci-Twi, which was indeed my first foray into the experience. Adjust a few names and gender specifics, and we have art imitating life.

And yeah, it did go well, aside from my anxiety's honestly hilarious track switch from "You can't do this" to "You're not doing this well enough."

Start of Pinkness

Princess Macintosh peered nobly into the distance. The dreamscape was a strange place, treacherous even for one such as he. It was even more of one of late. All across Applequestria, ponies spoke of sleepless nights, or ones that made them long for sleeplessness. Horrific, feverish visions spread like a disease, and so the most courageous and noble member of the royal family had come to investigate at the source.

But this was not the realm of the physical, where Macintosh was supreme in all ways. This realm was molded and navigated by the mind. Yes, his prowess in such affairs was scarcely less than that in his preferred ones, but the difference was enough to leave him uneasy. What if his strength was not enough to overcome this newest challenge to plague his people?

Macintosh shook away his doubts and approached the gateway to a mind shining with innocence, doubtless ideal and helpless prey to the affliction. It pained him to use this pure soul for something so base as bait, but it would be worth it to ultimately preserve not just this pony, but all ponies.

The dream beyond the door lay inchoate, a swirling mist of color, scent, sound, and less easily categorized sensations. Macintosh squinted into the haze. Slowly, an equinoid figure resolved itself in the distance. He hailed his subject in a manner befitting his dignity:

"Eeyup."

The mare, which he could tell now through the still-clearing haze, gasped and bowed.

"Eeyup." He bade her rise.

"Oh, Princess Macintosh the Strong and Brave and Other Capitalized Adjectives!" said the mare. "What are you doing here?"

"Eeyup."

"Oh my! What a terrible thing! But I'm sure it will all be over after tonight."

Macintosh nodded. "Eeyu—"

He dropped like a sack of bricks. He felt strangely light, and yet weighed down at the same time. As he watched, the sensory fog cleared completely, revealing a smiling pink mare standing right in front of him.

And her horn and wings.

"Oh yes," she said, her smile at once divine and devilish. "So much more fun is sure to happen now."

Author's Note

After ROBCakeran53 and Trick Question did battle with their plushies, the former proclaimed a speedwriting prompt commemorating the skirmish: Princess Big Mac versus Pinkie Pie. This was what resulted on my end.