If you thought teacups were bad...
Author's Note
This is really bad.
I'm sorry.
No, no I'm not.
The first few paragraphs were me ranting because my contest suggestion lost, which was "Applejack, Brad Pitt, and a wood chipper walk into a bar..."
If you thought teacups were bad...
Technically speaking, there was a lot about Equestria that was not terrible.
Applejack was a prime example of this. She was a hard working pony, who did what she could for all of her friends, family, and those stallions that Applebloom wasn’t supposed to know about for another few years.
She was the most loyal of friends and dependable of ponies, unless Rainbow Dash actually had her shit together, then she was a close second, but let’s be honest, that only happened maybe once a season.
Brad Pitt was also not terrible. Sure, he wasn’t technically from this plain of existence, but he was Brad Pitt. Everyone loved him, he was like, the second coming of Christ if Christ was played by Tom Hanks.
Another thing not exactly so terrible was a wood chipper. Applejack detested them, Brad Pitt still had recurring nightmares about them, and Jesus died for our sins, some of which involved wood chippers… and Tom Hanks.
Probably.
What could possibly be considered terrible, however, was the fact that Twilight Sparkle was trying to eat a peach, but was constantly bothered by a really terrible thing.
Trixie.
No, don’t get her wrong now, Twilight knew terrible when she saw it. Her home was blown up, you know. Maybe you don’t. Fuckin’ get caught up on the show, Jesus “Tom Hanks” Christ.
Trixie, as much as Starlight Glimmer tried to defend her bestest best, totally not touching naughty bits, best friend, Twilight knew that the light blue mare was always up to something troubling.
And how did she know this? Because Troubling started with a T, which was in Trixie’s name.
Twilight’s also, but she’s mane six tier so she didn’t count.
So there was Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and Master of Extended Word Counts in Order to Fill in Space, who was trying to eat her peach when Trixie walked into her kitchen.
“Good morning, Trixie,” Twilight said, a slight tone to her toned voice.
“Good morning, Sparkle,” Trixie agreed, because it was a good morning.
Except it wasn’t, because Trixie was here, so everything that shouldn’t have been terrible, in fact was.
Technically speaking.
Twilight also knew this, because as Trixie filled her cereal bowl with Cheerios, she couldn’t help but notice how… normal Trixie was being.
She didn’t even have her wizard hat or cape on, the scandal.
Instead, Trixie was simply trying to… have a normal morning.
In Twilight’s castle.
“So, what brings you by?” Twilight asked, a pleasant smile on her face, teeth full of bits of peach.
“Oh, Trixie’s best friend Starlight asked the great and powerful Trixie to help her with some magic study last night, and before we knew it, we’d lost track of time. She invited Trixie to stay over, and well, who was I to refuse my best friend such a generous invitation?”
Twilight needed to tell Rarity that Starlight was onto her and her Generosity racket. Rarity knew how to shiv a bitch. She’d served time, telling her stories of how not so terrible it technically wasn’t.
Probably.
“Oh, that’s nice of her.” Twilight smiled, taking another bite of her peach.
“Yes, and Trixie wanted to surprise her with some breakfast, but when she woke up, Starlight was gone. Left a note saying something about testing out her new, not so terrible magic lesson we’d been studying.”
“Oh, I see.” Twilight nodded, taking her knife and slicing another slice of sliced peach from the juice covered cutting board.
“So, since Trixie could not find Starlight, she decided hunger came before a search party.”
“I can respect that,” Twilight agreed, referencing that one episode where they almost let Zecora die.
So there the two sat. Trixie munching away at her Cheerios, which weren’t terrible for your heart at all, and Twilight who was happily munching away at her peach. It was a grand time, one full of peaceful quiet and no explosions, or randomly turning household items into teacups (seriously, teacups for days).
It was actually… nice. Twilight, for the first time in forever since knowing the loudmouth, third person spewing unicorn, that she felt content having breakfast with her. It was strange. While Trixie was technically Starlight’s friend, and by extension, Twilight’s friend, it was an odd feeling to know that two ponies who hated each other for so long could actually sit at the table and be relatively okay.
Not terrible, which Twilight expected.
Not wanting to let go of this golden opportunity, Twilight set aside her knife, still a quarter of peach left to go.
“So, tell me, how did studying go last night?”
Trixie was munching away happily at her Cheerios, and her ears twitched in Twilight’s directly.
“Oh, it was quite informative. We actually helped explain why my magic was so in tune with teacups as a happy accident.”
“Oh? Is that so?”
Trixie nodded. “Yes, it was that so.”
Twilight waited patiently, expecting something more.
Trixie continued to eat her Cheerios.
“So…” Twilight rubbed her neck with a hoof. “Was that all? Did you two learn anything else?”
Trixie shrugged, lifting her bowl to start drinking the milk.
Twilight coughed. “Well, you gotta at least tell me what you figured out about the teacups.”
Trixie lowered her bowl, licking her milk covered lips. She brought up a hoof to her chin, tapping as she thought.
“Trixie supposes she could tell you, but it might be boring.”
Twilight eagerly shook her head. “Anything to do with magic, or friendship lessons, I’m totally, one hudred and twenty percent game for! Come on, let me have it!”
Raising a brow, Trixie looked to the purple alicorn a moment, then shrugged.
“Well, we discovered that deep down, our magic remembers one of the first things we were able to successfully interact with using our magic.”
“Oh, yes, of course.” Twilight agreed, knowing somewhere she had a reference book to that thing she couldn’t remember the name of.
“So we were experimenting with transformation on a larger scale. Trixie was finding it easy to change things into teacups, because the first thing she did was interact with a teacup. It made perfect sense.”
“Of couse.” Twilight agreed, not entirely.
“So as we went along, we continued to try new ways of casting the spell. Reflection, deflection, depression, and oral, but nothing really concrete was learned.”
Twilight blinked. “Okay?”
“We then concluded that, maybe the issue was with Trixie. She knows, of course, that her magic is the best, but she can even admit it when others show much better control over their magic, such as Starlight.”
“Of course. Starlight excels at it, even outclassing me.”
Trixie let a small laugh escape.
“Yes, as one like ourselves could.”
“Technically, you didn’t-”
“Anyway, so we then began working on Starlight’s transformation magic. It took us some time, but eventually we were able to pinpoint one of her most early magical interactions.”
“Oh, that’s amazing! What was it? A book? I bet it was a book.”
“No! Peaches!”
Twilight froze.
“P-peaches?”
Trixie nodded.
“Yes, after walking around the castle with occasional closet inspection breaks, we managed to figure out that she, in fact, resonated with peaches the most!”
Twilight began to sweat, looking down to her last slice of peach.
“So once we figured that out, we were transforming all manner of things into peaches! Then experimenting on them.”
Twilight gulped.
“But one thing was for sure, that we learned.”
“Yes?” Twilight asked hesitantly.
“That anything we turned into a peach, was now officially a peach inside and out! No harm to a pony if they ate it!”
Letting out a held breath, Twilight happily shoved the last slice of peach into her mouth and chewed.
“Of course, the last thing we wanted to test was self transformation, but by that time we were so tired. Starlight said she was going to stay up a little longer to try a theory.”
Twilight swallowed.
“Actually, as Trixie recalls, after that point, she hadn’t seen Starlight at all.” Trixie tapped her chin, thinking.
Twilight began looking about the kitchen, concerned. She was wondering why there were so many peaches around, but didn’t think anything of it. After that last time Spike bought her the entirety of Ponyville’s worth, she knew how to control her urges and ration herself.
Which was why this was the only peach she’d eaten.
Five were sitting on the floor, but too good and plump to just toss, so she sampled one.
“All Trixie knows, is there was a note left for her to come into the kitchen for a surprise! Also noted to please please please remember the reversal spell.”
Sweat began running down Twilight’s face.
“Oh well.” Trixie’s horn lit up, and she started targeting random peaches about the kitchen.
The first dozen were other foods, and their toaster. Not all too worrying, Twilight thought.
But then came the four peaches now sitting in the center of the table. The ones she’d picked up, along with the one she ate.
“Hm, I suppose these might also be something.”
Trixie shot each peach with a magic laser.
Each one reformed into a hoof slipper.
All very familiar.
All with little kite pins on them.
“Oh, how odd. Those are Starlight’s slippers. Why did she put them on the table?”
Twilight felt like she was going to be sick.
“Twilight? What is the matter with you?”
A shivering mess, Twilight pointed a shaking hoof towards the small cutting board that held the juices of the peach she’d just ate.
“I-I-I-I a-a-a-ate t-t-t-the p-peach with t-t-them.”
Trixie raised a brow. “So?”
“S-s-so!? Trixie, that was Starlight! I just ATE STARLIGHT!”
Trixie’s eyes went wide. “Oh! Oh. Oooooh…”
“Trixie! What do I do?”
“Quickly, Sparkle, lick up all the juices. They need to be together with the rest of the peach if I’m to reverse the spell!”
Confused and frantic, Twilight did as instructed without second thought, licking at the cutting board, tongue slivers be damned.
“Okay, now what? What do we do, Trixie?” Twilight was freaking out.
“Relax, Sparkle, there’s one clear answer to all of this.”
Twilight's right eye twitched. “And what is that?”
“Trixie suspects it isn’t the most terrible thing to happen to Starlight.”
“What? Why do you say that?” Twilight asked.
“Tell Trixie, when does Princess Twilight Sparkle typically use the lavatory after breakfast?”
