Chapters Baking for Humble Pie
When Pinkie Pie is visited by an unexpected guest, she suspects the pony of planning to ruin tomorrow's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. But then her friends find out that they're up against a bigger challenge than they'd supposed…
It was, as Pinkie Pie would have put it, a doozy of a storm.
Drum-rolls summoned the blasts of thunder through the grey of the relentless sky. Lightning slashed and struck at the ponies' eyes, making them jump in alarm, and the wind drove back all who dared to walk further than their front doors. Windows showed either closed curtains or huddled faces, peering out at the trees as they threatened to topple over.
Everyone agreed that the pegasus ponies had outdone themselves on their weather duties this time, or perhaps had overdone themselves, which was one reason - they quietly felt - why they should in future simply "do themselves" and skip the "over-" and "out-" bits.
It was quiet all across the streets of Ponyville town – even at Sugar Cube Corner. Within one of the upstairs rooms of the bakery, a lonely light was switched on.
"There's no need to shiver, Gummy," whispered Pinkie Pie, rubbing the scales of her small pet alligator while trying not to shiver herself when the thunder clapped. "There's no need to be scared of the nasty lightning."
She was huddled in a corner of the bed against the wall, surrounded by a mountain of cuddly animal toys. The only light in the room came from a flashlight which she was shining up into her face.
Gummy blinked and gave her his perpetual wide-eyed look.
"I know!" she said brightly. "Let's tell ghost stories! That'll make you feel better, and it'll be fun! I know a good one. It's called the Nightmare of the Pony-Catcher. Gather round, everypony."
She pulled up the duvet and smothered it over them all, like a tent. This time, she held the flashlight closer to her chin and cast mock suspicious looks at her audience.
"This story has been rated way too scary for little foals, and for big foals, and for all the in-between foals, too. If anyone here has a weak bladder, I must ask you to leave… now."
None of the animals moved, stuffed or otherwise.
"Great! Let's begin! It was the darkest of dark nights, darker even than the darkest part of the darkest mane of the darkest dark-pony Nightmare Moon while in the dark depths of her dark… darkness. Everypony was huddled indoors, listening to the terrible thunder clap outside... though I don't know why they call it clapping because thunder doesn't clap, you need hooves to clap and when I clap like this – clap-clap-clappity-clap-clap – it sounds funny, and thunder doesn't sound funny, it sounds scary, especially when there's a thunderstorm outside. Hey, want to hear a scary story? There were three ponies and an alligator, hiding indoors from the storm. Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door!"
Knock, knock, knock. Pinkie leapt out of bed.
"It's the Pony-Catcher!"
There were muffled noises from downstairs; Mr and Mrs Cake had put down their baking utensils and were exchanging questions. Pinkie Pie gasped.
"Oh no! They're going to answer the door!"
Pinkie Pie shot out her room and down the hall. She stopped with a screech of tyres and peered down the stairs.
"Pinkie Pie!" cooed Mrs Cake, heading for the door. "Be a dear and go help my husband in the kitchen."
"NOOOOOO!" Pinkie Pie shot downstairs and seized a thoroughly surprised Mrs Cake in her hooves, shot past the counter and plonked her down in the kitchen, where Mr Cake was about to place some muffins in the oven. She reached over and pulled him away too, placing them both next to each other.
"If you answer that door, he'll trap you in a net and lock you up in a cage like poor Itty-Bitty Mustang! Don't move!" She plonked a saucepan onto her head, seized a large serving spoon, which she bent and put over her teeth as a hastily-improvised mouth guard, and rummaged through a drawer before pulling out a rolling pin. She hefted it like a baseball bat.
"What in all of Equestria –?" Mrs Cake said.
"What's going on, sweetie?"
"You jush shtay dere!" Pinkie Pie assured them as she passed by. "Dish ish shomefin' I godda do myshe'f!"
Pinkie Pie peered into the hallway. This time, the three knocks were more emphatic.
She tiptoed closer to the door with the pin raised high, while Mr and Mrs Cake poked their heads out of the kitchen, watching her.
When she reached the door, she threw it back with a hoof. The bell tinkled.
The rolling pin was seized and pulled out of her hooves before she had time to swing, and she closed her eyes as a second attack whipped the saucepan off her head.
Pinkie screamed in rage, seized a custard pie from the counter and lobbed it. The stranger blocked the thrown pie, then the next one, with a casual backhoof each. A thrown tray of cupcakes, a barrage of rock cakes, and a twelve-layered wedding cake were each smashed aside, and when the party cannon came up a layer of the broken wedding cake was thrown down the barrel. The barrel backfired and exploded with party streamers, bits of icing, and chunks of dented metal.
She squeaked in surprise as her rump hit the floor. She looked up just as the smoke and confetti settled. Lightning flashed, revealing the large pony silhouetted outside.
There was a spit, and a tinkle of metal as the serving spoon ricocheted off the floor at Pinkie's hooves. Behind her, the Cakes gasped.
The rushing sound of the wind intensified. The room seemed darker.
"Now, that's no way to greet a visitor," said the wall of shadow. It stepped forwards, and the world shook with each hoof that came down, as if imperial columns were being lowered to make way for an incoming temple. "Is it, Pinkamena?"
He was built like one of the Royal Guards, but taller and bulkier than the norm, enough to have to bow his head when entering through the door. A leonine mane, blue like a Bunsen burner's flame, and four huge legs, each one twice the diameter of a normal pony's, were matched only by the thick muscles coursing under his aquamarine fur. His face could have been chiselled from a glacier. His hooves were plated with ornamental iron.
Pinkie Pie felt the air beginning to deflate from her puffy mane as she got back up.
"Hello," she said. "Humble Pie."
"Hello," he returned. "My little sister."
Pinkie Pie stood her ground as Humble Pie leaned in close. Whether he was trying to be intimidating or simply had no concept of personal space, she was not going to take a step backwards. The Cakes looked at each other with sudden realisation.
"Humble Pie? As in, Thou-Must-Humble-Thyself-Before-Celestia 'Humble' Pie?" said Mr Cake.
"But it's been years! The last we heard, you'd left for the mountains. Your father told us you went to be an apprentice ironsmith."
A chuckle rose out of the depths of the giant pony's throat.
"That is true, my dear Mrs Cake, and I compliment your fine memory," said the voice, like a tiger purring to a cub. "But they didn't tell you everything. Did they, Pinkamena?"
Pinkie's eyes narrowed.
"Don't you ever, ever, ever call me by that name."
"Trying to forget the past, little sister?" He extended a hoof and drew her closer. Beside his immense bulk, she looked like a sulky foal. "You need not suffer in silence. The rock farm was not a place of happy memories for either of us, now, was it?"
"For you?" she said, batting his leg away and going back to where she'd stood. "What about for everypony else?"
"Pinkie Pie!" shouted Mrs Cake. "I'm surprised at you."
"No, no, Mrs Cake," said Humble Pie with an airy wave of his foreleg. "It is good that she lets out all her long-forgotten feelings. Quite cathartic." He pushed his face up against Pinkie Pie's. "It is an honour to see you again, my worthy little sister. We've done the quickstep before, haven't we? Sometimes with each other, most of the time against each other."
Pinkie's head pushed back.
"Somepony had to stop you from ruining the farm, and from hurting our sisters. And you were constantly picking fights with me at every chance you could get, so don't come to me with the 'oh-I'm-so-reasonable' big brother act, 'cos I'm not buying it." Her hair was now visibly collapsing. Humble watched it with apparent fascination.
"You have strong memories of me, I see. Then, one day, you saw fit to turn your back on me just when I needed you most."
"You had a silly little tantrum at us because you weren't getting your own way, and Daddy and Mommy put their hooves down."
"And you kept quiet about what happened ever since, didn't you?"
"We had to tell the other ponies something TO COVER THE FACT THAT YOU RAN AWAY FROM HOME!"
Pinkamena's hair now completed its transformation. Humble Pie's eyes flickered for the first and only time during his stay, but nothing short of a finely-tuned microscope would have detected it.
"I did not come back here to dig up old childhood memories; I came back to make peace with you. Listen closely. Tomorrow, the biannual Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament will begin at Ponyville town square."
"What about it?"
"When I enter it, I will prove myself to you by winning it. I will show you what I have been doing over the years to improve myself. You will be proud to be called my sister once again, Pinkamena, I assure you of that."
"You'll never leave well enough alone, will you? It's this kind of thinking that ended up nearly ruining the farm and making Daddy tear his poor mane out. And you never learned your lesson, did you? Stop trying to be such a whoopsy I'm-so-good-at-everything, got-to-do-everything-better, push-little-ponies-around, gotta-do-or-do-better-or-die-doing-it kind of… kind of…" Pinkamena hyperventilated, and then held her breath. Humble's eyes dared her to say it.
"Killjoy ." She muttered this in a voice usually reserved for words like "murderer."
Humble Pie's roar drowned out the next thunder roll and shook the house on its very foundations. Both Cakes, who so far had been too enraptured by the conversation to speak, let out a frightened moan as they heard pots and pans crashing onto the kitchen floor. Pinkamena stood unfazed as her hair was blown back by the Force 10 winds.
Cavernous lungs refilled themselves as Humble Pie bared teeth like spades at the pink pony.
"You're too stubborn for your own good, Pinkamena Diane Pie! Just like mother and father! No wonder you got on like three rocks in a faultline!" He leapt straight up and flipped round, a curiously graceful leap for such a heavyweight, and landed so forcefully on the ground that Pinkamena bounced. "Farewell. I will give you time to reconsider. See you tomorrow, little sister!"
The door slammed, causing the bell to snap out of place and fall off.
As one, the Cakes rushed forwards, brushing off Pinkamena's fallen mane until it began fluffing up again, half-scolding and half-comforting her. Though her appearance was restored, Pinkie Pie reacted to none of it as they carried her upstairs and tucked her gently into bed, placed a glass of chocolate milk on her bedside table, and closed the door gently on their way out.
Pinkie's eyes narrowed further still, as if the ceiling had hurt her feelings.
"If he's entering that Tourna-thingy, then he is up to something, and if he is up to something, then it is not going to be a picnic, or a party, or a fun day out of any kind. Okey dokey lokey," she whispered, folding her forelegs. "I just... need some time to... to think things... over. I'm sure I could... come up with a... a foolproof... plan if... I... just..."
There was a snore, and she was instantly fast asleep.
The sun cast its warmth through the gap in the curtains and over Twilight's bed, which was empty.
Spike, curled up in the basket next to it, yawned and stretched and climbed out. He rubbed his eyes with his claws and gave a small yelp – he hadn't trimmed those things in a long while.
A look at the empty bed woke him up fully. He yanked back the bed covers – and there was a crash from downstairs as pots and pans fell over in the kitchen. Spike groaned.
From the top of the stairs, he had a good view of what was going on. Twilight was biting her lip and closing her eyes as her unicorn's magical horn glowed with purple light. All the books on the shelves glowed, pulled themselves out, and then shot towards the middle.
Spike tried, but he could never figure out or tell whether the books really did pass through each other or whether they just looked like they did because of the speeds.
Neatly, Twilight put the books on the opposite shelves and let out a breath, letting her concentration catch a break.
She winced as there was another crash from the kitchen, and looked up at her horn ruefully. Twilight began powering up her spell.
"Twilight," Spike said.
She gave a start and a blast shot from her horn into the underside of the landing he was standing on. The impromptu lift shot down with a judder, crashing into a pile of buckets. When a load of streamers, party hats, and leftover half-eaten muffins settled, Spike was sitting on the remains.
"I know! I'm sorry!" Twilight said, rushing over and putting him back onto his feet. She summoned a feather duster and brushed off the streamers that had covered his head and spines. "I didn't want to bother you, so I let you oversleep."
"Twilight, I told you to practice that last night," he said. "Not first thing in the morning. It took me forever to clean that party stuff up."
"Yes, and I did listen Spike, don't think I didn't, but, well, I don't know, I just thought, well, why quit when I'm on a roll? So I stayed up a little longer and a little longer and a little longer…"
"You haven't slept at all?"
Twilight shook her head sadly, and a grumble from her stomach seemed to confirm that she'd missed breakfast too. After a while, Spike got behind her and started pushing her towards the kitchen, but the purple-haired unicorn dug in her hooves and he eventually gave up. She shook her head and cast worried looks at the kitchen door.
"You're nervous, aren't you, Twilight?" he said.
"I just don't want to make a fool of myself on my first ever Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. I've been practising my advanced spells for the big duel I'm planning, but it gets a little weird near the end." She looked at the kitchen door nervously.
"Relax, Twilight," said Spike. "You won't make a fool of yourself. Your element is magic, remember? You'll make a great challenge."
"But –"
"I'll make some breakfast for you, and we'll see how you feel after that."
"I guess," she said, as he pushed the kitchen door back. "And sorry!" she shouted after him.
From the kitchen door, she heard Spike cry out in disbelief. He came back.
"Well, that's today's schedule dramatically rewritten," he said. "Buy some more groceries. And some new cupboards. And possibly a new kitchen."
"Don't worry," said Twilight. "I'll patch it up and it'll be as good as new."
"I think you should save your strength for the Tournament," Spike said, starting to pick up the party hats. "I've got this one covered. You need to relax before you go out there."
"I know, but how do I do that?" Twilight tapped her chin thoughtfully, and then beamed. "I know! I had a book about it somewhere. Relaxation for Edgy Equines: An Equestrian Self-Help Hardback."
She pulled up a ladder, but Spike pushed it aside, shaking his head. With one claw, he speared and held up a party hat to her face.
"Remember the lunch-time party we had yesterday?" he said. "When the rest of the gang were here? You weren't nervous then, were you?"
"Well, no," Twilight said, "because my friends were there, and because Pinkie was teaching me karao –"
"Exactly. Your friends will be there. And Pinkie Pie wasn't nervous about singing at the party, either."
"Well, I should think not. This is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. The party was her idea."
"Exactly. And entering the Tournament was your idea, too, and this is magic we're talking about, Twilight. You are to magic what Pinkie Pie is to parties."
He put his hand on her wither, but then had to do it again, and gently, because he'd accidentally dug his claws in the first time. He gave her an encouraging pat.
"Aw, this is why you're my number one personal assistant, Spike," Twilight said. She took a deep breath. "OK, I'm going to go out there, and I'm gonna go through with my challenge, and I'm gonna do well."
"And?"
"And…"
"And you're going to have fun," Spike said. "That's the most important thing. Good luck!"
Now with more spring in her step, Twilight trotted over to the front door and paused to give Spike one last wave before boldly going outside.
A moment later, she hurried back in and gave him a pleading look. Casually, he pointed to the desk, on which a large red volume was placed. Twilight perked up, and she levitated the book after herself.
"I nearly forgot it. It's very important. Thaaaanks again, Spike!" Twilight sang after him, before he closed the door after her.
Spike turned on his heel and surveyed the scattered party goods, the fallen landing, and the ominously flapping kitchen door, which for reasons better known to the cosmos chose that precise moment to fall off its hinges. He picked up the broom that had been lying on the floor, and balanced it in his hands.
"Well," he said cheerfully. "Business as usual, then."
He began sweeping up the mess.
"Ew! Puddle!" Rarity lifted a hoof in disgust.
She'd just been coming up the street, and was already upset at how her shoes had been ruined by the wet grass. A smaller unicorn, Sweetie Belle, skipped along beside her.
"I've got you covered, sis," said Sweetie Belle, and reached into her pink fluffy saddlebag. A turquoise blanket was laid down over the puddle. "Tada."
"Sweetie Belle, that's a cotton blanket!"
"Yeah, so?"
As they watched, the blanket darkened and the puddle below it shrank. Rarity sighed at the sad mush that remained.
"One day, I'm really going to have to set some time aside to explain to you how fabrics work. And it had so much potential, too," she said morosely. Sweetie Belle picked it up with her mouth and threw it over her own back.
"Isn't there something I could do?" Sweetie Belle pleaded.
"You've done quite enough," Rarity said. "Now go play with your friends, and try to stay out of trouble for your big sis Rarity, won't you, sweetums?"
A voice broke over the patter of ponies going about their business. Up ahead, two small fillies, one of them winged, were both waving and calling to Sweetie Belle.
"OK!" Sweetie Belle squeaked, and she cantered ahead, only to bump into a passing pony. A brief apology was thrown at him before she cantered on. Rarity wiped her brow, before spotting her own friends, Applejack and Twilight, on the other side of the fountain, huddled together and having a chat.
"An' yer din't need that book, neither," said Applejack, tapping the cover. "Come on, Twilight, yer din't really think the Mayor would just push yer out the room, close the gates, and wish yer good luck, now, did yer?"
"But I need to learn the rules," Twilight said. "Please, AJ, I'm trying not to get overexcited, and this is how I help myself to calm down."
"Do you like it?" Rarity asked as she approached the ponies, catching the light of the sunrise with a poised flick of her head. "It's just a little something I made up last night. It took me three hours to get the feathers right."
"Aw, Rarity, you an' yer fancy hats," said Applejack playfully. "Yer oughta try somethin' more practical-like, like mine." She tipped hers. "I ain't never had ter replace this baby in years."
Rarity made a face which quite plainly said: "mental note: stay away from Applejack's head for the rest of today."
"You didn't have to dress up for this occasion, you know, Rarity?" said Twilight Sparkle, who was otherwise so deeply into the red book hovering before her that it might as well have had straps and straw and been a nosebag. "You might as well save the show for the finals tomorrow."
"You don't understand," Rarity said. "This is preparation. I'm also putting forwards my own challenge for this year's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament."
"Well, it's about time," said the voice of Rainbow Dash. There was a flash of sky and rainbow, and the winged pegasus soared down, landing next to her. She put a hoof over both Rarity's withers. "Welcome to the top of the league, Rarity. You're in with the big fillies now."
"Dash, please, you'll ruin the collar!"
"Yep," said Applejack. "That's mighty dandy of you, Rarity. Dress-makin', by any chance?" She looked over Rarity's creation.
"Well it's just for this year, you understand, I mean, I… I wanted to make sure I was at the peak of perfection before committing myself to such an enterprise."
"Oh, don't sweat it, Rarity," said Rainbow Dash. "We've seen you patch up a dress from a tablecloth, a bit of hair ribbon, and a couple of flowers. You've got absolutely nothing to be afraid of."
"Oh, that's very kind of you to say, Dash," said Rarity, not even hiding the blush and the smile.
"Now, we jus' need Fluttershy and Pinkie joinin' in, and then we'll all be in this together!"
"I'm sorry, did you say my name?" said a timid voice behind Dash.
Dash jumped a foot into the air and turned around in alarm, which gave way to anger when Applejack, Rarity and Twilight snickered. The yellow pony behind her rubbed a leg apologetically and avoided Dash's annoyed glare.
"We was sayin' how you should take part this year," said Applejack.
"Oh, I honestly couldn't. Really," said Fluttershy. "I'd rather give Pinkie some company."
"But Fluttershy, you'd be a perfect challenger with your gift for animals," Twilight said.
"No, it's OK. I prefer watching the events, and helping with the organising, anyway."
"Well, in that case – hey, I thought it was quiet. Where's Pinkie Pie?"
Pinkie hopped along the road, singing quietly to herself. She had a perky way of hopping, with all four hooves at once, as if her bottoms were made out of springs, though no one had tested to see if her tops were made out of rubber. On her first day at Ponyville, she had received odd looks for this, but these days no pony batted an eyelid.
So far, Pinkie had tried raising her spirits with a birthday cake for breakfast, and the Cakes had tried to cheer her up by ordering another cannon, though they hadn't been able to reassure her that it had all been a dream, even when they assured her that they only remembered it because her imagination was just that vivid.
No, she told herself. She was Pinkie Pie, for Luna's sake. Only sweet sugary thoughts could enter her mind. She began working on her song instead. Maybe that would help. She beamed and rattled off her first lines:
"My friends are waiting for me ,
"My friends won't let me down ,
"Meeting Humble was quite stormy ,
"And he gave me such a frown –"
Crash. She bounced back, as if she'd hit a wall, and for a moment it felt like she had. An aquamarine wall, furry, with a lion's mane, and a smug expression on his face so high.
Pinkie felt the whole world collapse around her when she saw him. Suddenly, the song seemed to be a mere whisper before an incoming tide.
"Hello?" he said, seeing her expression. "Do I remind you of someone you know?"
He chuckled and shifted his head sideways; it gave her a profile view when he placed a strip of hay gradually into his mouth. The rising sun behind him seemed to flash as it cleared his head and blinded her with bright light.
She saw… timber buildings around her, instead of the usual Ponyville designs. The rock fields expanded to the horizon, and there were dead trees. She heard creaking wood, and the slow, mournful clop of hooves that suggested ponies were in no hurry. There was a clanging of a bell, and familiar smells, and she was smaller then, smaller, and her mane got into her eyes…
Pinkie Pie shook her head and glared up at her brother. Ponyville returned around her, along with the noise of enthusiastic crowds and chatter. She got up.
"What kind of game do you think you're playing?" Pinkie said. "I stopped you before, Humble, and I'll stop you again."
"Oh, Pinkamena, you really are too much. That was a long time ago, and what have you been doing since then? Running a bakery? That's just like you, Pinkamena. Whereas I have been industriously applying myself in the mountains. You see, I don't waste my talents."
"Oh yeah? Well, this time I've got friends, and they're all ten times the pony you are!"
Humble's grin turned nastier. "Oh, you have friends now, eh? You usually didn't spare much time for matters outside the family at home. How… interesting."
He walked past her, leaving Pinkie Pie fuming.
"Hey, Pinkie Pie!" said Sweetie Belle, running up to meet her.
"Sweetie Belle! Perfect. Listen, you see that big pony over there?"
"Yeah?"
"He's my big brother. Why don't you go over and give him the big Cutie Mark Crusader's welcome, huh?"
"OK! Scootaloo! Apple Bloom! Come on over! Pinkie wants us to say hello to her brother, Cutie Mark Crusader style!"
Three fillies rushed past Pinkie, who rubbed her hooves in glee. Seeing the foals approach him, Humble looked around curiously as three voices struck him like a foghorn from a badly-manufactured cuddly toy when the packaging explicitly said it had a squeaker.
"THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS WELCOME YOU TO PONYVILLE TOWN SQUARE! YAY!" They beamed up at him, seeing his reaction.
Humble looked quite baffled for a moment.
Then he grinned, filled up his lungs, and replied:
"GREETINGS, LITTLE LOUD FILLIES! HUMBLE PIE IS OH SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WARM WELCOME!"
The blast sent them flying backwards and tumbling head over hooves in midair. When they landed, they stared back at him. Then they beamed.
"COOL!" they all said.
"How did you get a voice so loud?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"Well, I was once in the Il Stablo quartet as a soprano during my brief stint in Canterlot. It's such a long and winding story filled with mystery and intrigue – you wouldn't be interested. But I suppose you would all have interesting stories of your own?"
"Yeah! Wait until I tell you about Rainbow Dash!" said Scootaloo.
"An' Applejack!" said Apple Bloom.
"And Rarity!"
"Ah. Friends of yours, by any chance?" He gave a nasty grin in Pinkie's direction. "Well, well, well, how intriguing. Please, tell me all about them…"
Pinkie gaped as the three of them rushed excitedly around him, chattering away.
A note of discord crept into Pinkie's usually musical mind. She glanced sadly over at her friends at the far side of the fountain, and took deep breaths to steady herself.
"… an' that's when I foun' Big Macintosh in the apple cart," said Applejack.
"Hi, Pinkie Pie, what's up?" said Rainbow Dash. They all looked around.
"No, what's down. I'm down. I had a pony turn up at my home last night," said Pinkie Pie. She still felt her mane drooping slightly.
"Really? Who was it?" said Applejack. "A friend o' yours?"
"No," said Pinkie Pie petulantly. "It was somepony who I never want to see again."
"Pinkie?" Twilight said. "What's eating you?"
"He just turned up to join the Tourna-thingy. He's a show-off, and a loudmouth, and a big meanie."
"He? Yer talkin' about… yer pa?"
"Pinkie Pie!" said Rarity. "How could you talk about your parents in such a manner?"
"I didn't say my parents. I meant him!"
There were thundering noises coming down the road. Pinkie's friends felt the ground shake through their legs with each step.
The gigantic form of Humble Pie cruised through the sea of ponies like an iceberg that had been used to sculpt a pony god. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were gambolling around him and chatting cheerfully, and he smiled at them and occasionally seemed to ask a question. As he passed huddles by, several ponies stopped to stare at him, to which he gave a graceful series of smiles and bows of the head.
"Pinkamena, so nice to see you again," said Humble, bowing his head, as the Cutie Mark Crusaders rushed past them all to race each other to the fountain. "And, bless me if I'm not mistaken, these must be your friends. Yes, I've heard many grand tales about you all along the grapevine."
"Grapes don't talk," said Pinkie, still through clenched teeth.
"Well, he seems a gen'le enough pony," she heard Applejack whisper. "Howdy do, Mr…"
"Oh please, call me Humble Pie. I daresay my sister was telling you all about me." He threw Pinkie an innocent smile, and she returned it with a less-than-innocent narrowing of the eyes.
"Howdy do, Mr Humble Pie. Name's Applejack." A hoof was extended. The others watched, or in Fluttershy's case covered their eyes, in alarm; Humble's hoof alone looked capable of crushing iron. But he took Applejack's as tenderly as if it were made of glass.
"Float my flibbertigibbets," he said, "and call me a jade. That's a strong set of hooves you have there, AJ!"
"You betcha, Mr Pie. Ah'm gonna be apple-buckin' with these babies. Ah reckon you've got quite the kick for the job yerself."
"Why thank you kindly, Miss Applejack. I have a great respect for the Apple family and its traditions," he said, looking up. "Why, you hardly need an introduction at all! You're the famous Rainbow Dash! I wonder you aren't a member of the Wonderbolts already; I mean, how many of them can claim to have a sonic rainboom in their bag of tricks?"
"Yeah, that story always gets around, doesn't it?" Rainbow Dash said in an offhand voice, which deceived nopony as she was beaming like a foal on Hearth's Warming Eve.
"It was truly incredible. I'd love to see it with my own eyes today. Your friends there," he said, and indicated the Cutie Mark Crusaders over at the fountain, "were just telling me about the first time you achieved the sonic rainboom. And… oh, mademoiselle," he said, looking at Rarity. "Why, such elegance, such radiant beauty, such poise. Your designs are the legends of the fashion world, according to Hoity Toity's illustrious boutique, Miss Rarity."
Rarity flashed her eyelashes, gasping, and brought a hoof to her mouth.
"A gentlecolt… of such… fine… taste," she breathed. "I am truly flattered to make your acquaintance, Mr Pie."
"Pff, yeah. Flattered," Pinkie Pie muttered under her breath, as Humble bowed low before Rarity.
"Please, my dear Miss Rarity, please; call me Humble." When Rarity giggled, he bowed to her and turned to the next pony. "Oh, and just when I thought there were no more surprises! Who have we here? Can it be… yes! Twilight Sparkle, apprentice to the lovely Princess Celestia. You know, I was once a member of her Royal Guard for a short time. She spoke nothing but the highest praise for you – highly talented, always organised, an astonishing level of dedication. You were – are – her most revered student."
"Oah, stop it. I j… I mean, it's only the least I can do, being Celestia's student and all." Twilight giggled through her uncontrollable smile.
"Such a fine, bold herd of young heroes," said Humble Pie. "It has truly been an honour meeting you all, and a matter of pride that my dear sister knows you all so well. I look forward to hearing the challenges you set forth this year. Goodbye, my dears, and good luck."
Behind the group, Pinkie scowled. Fluttershy, who was standing next to her, noticed.
While the four ponies chattered excitedly amongst themselves, Humble Pie was leaving when he stopped and turned to face Fluttershy. She gave him a nervous grin and waved a hoof feebly. He met Pinkie's gaze; she seemed to be trying to turn her eyes into laser sights. She knew what that look of his meant.
Otherwise, all Fluttershy elicited from him was a slight hum of acknowledgement and a polite, if curt, nod before he continued on his way. Pinkie noticed, with some satisfaction, that his hooves weren't causing the ground to shake anymore. Big faker, she thought.
The other ponies hadn't noticed this exchange, too wrapped up in his carefully spun flattery to be disentangled.
"And you were calling him a loudmouth and a show-off," said Rainbow Dash, landing next to Pinkie, who sucked in her lips with anger.
"Well, he is!"
"Pinkie Pie, jus' enterin' the Tournament ain't proof that he's a-showin' off," said Applejack, putting a hoof on her wither, but Pinkie knocked it off.
"Oh, forget it! If you guys won't listen to me, I'll have to take matters into my own hooves!" She stormed off. It was a while before the others noticed that she was no longer hopping.
"She must be really upset," said Twilight.
"Oh, leave her be, girls," said Rarity. "The poor girl is obviously upset because she hasn't a challenge to put forwards this year for her big, bold, graceful hunk of a brother." She sighed.
She noticed their stares.
"What? I really like the way he… styles his mane." She tittered nervously.
"But the Tournament's never bothered her before," said Twilight. "Maybe one of us should talk to her?"
"I'll go," said Fluttershy eventually, and she flapped her wings and took off after Pinkie.
There was a trumpet call. All the ponies began to converge onto the town square, where a large stage had been set up. Upon the platform, the Mayor of Ponyville was overlooking the congregation.
"Fillies and gentlecolts," she spoke, and the ponies gathered tighter together and stopped talking. "Welcome to this year's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. For the next two days, a selection of Equestria's finest will set down challenges in their own respective fields of expertise. Competitors are given an opportunity to try to beat them. Whoever wins the most games will then go through to the final, against the pony whose challenge is either undefeated, the next best thing, or is voted the most popular by demand.
"Competitors and challengers, however, must put in one item to stake. A full list of rules can be found near any challenge arena."
"See, Twilight?" said Applejack. "Jus' like Ah said. Y'ain't got nothin' ter worry about."
There was a thud. Then there was another thud. The ground shook, and ponies bounced each time it did so. Everyone was looking around for the source of the noise. Then Humble Pie cruised into view, laying down each hoof as if in a slow applause.
"Spiffing speech, my little pony," he said, climbing up onto the stage. "They say that the scroll containing a filly's first speech becomes the cutie mark of a good Mayor."
"What's he doing?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Who are you?" said the Mayor, completely stunned at the intrusion.
"I am Humble Pie, and I wish to give a message to the citizens of Ponyville." To the Mayor's astonishment, he hooked the microphone and pulled it towards himself with a foreleg. It was like watching a redwood swing both ways. "Fillies and gentlecolts, it is truly an honour to be a guest to today's Tournament, hosted here by your most gracious and hardworking Mayor."
There was a pause. The ponies began stamping their hooves in applause, but it was slow to start and hesitant throughout.
"And I predict it is going to be a historical event this year. For I, Humble Pie, wish to step forwards as a competitor."
"Oh, well," said the Mayor, clearly wanting not to lose face, "I admire your spirit and enthusiasm, Mr Pie. And may I take this excellent opportunity to remind every pony who has not yet signed up to be a competitor…"
"And furthermore," he said, overriding her, "I wish to make the following challenge."
Humble raised his head. It was already at such a height that most ponies had to crane their necks to look up at him, but now they were looking so high up that it reminded them of their early years, when they were foals staring up at the Royal Guards for the first time. A few ponies cowered like newborns.
Then, he began to speak:
"I have spent many, many years training myself in the mountain home from which I came. From each race of pony I have taken its defining power and sweated day and night to master it: from the Earth pony, physical strength; from the pegasus, the power of flight; and from the unicorn, magic. I have learned from the very best wielders of each talent, and have competed against the worthiest of rivals. Here me, Ponyville; I will defeat each and every one of you, at your own games."
There was an outcry. At the back of the crowd, Applejack and Rarity scoffed.
"That slimy show-off," said Rainbow Dash. "Just who does he think he is?"
Humble Pie stamped a hoof for quiet. To the ponies, it was as if the storm had briefly returned. They fell silent.
"Not interesting enough for you, eh?" he said. From behind his back, he pulled out a parchment, sealed with a ceremonial ribbon, and balanced it on a hoof. "How about I raise the stakes?"
All eyes fell on the parchment, which he passed over to a nearby unicorn in the front row, who caught it with surprise and made it hover in midair next to him.
"I will wager my Seal of Mayoralty to the competition. If you win," he said, speaking over the flurry of chatter that followed, "I surrender the town of Colt Lake City in the mountainous land of Yee-Haw, to do with as you please. But if I win, by the rules of the Tournament, that means that Ponyville must surrender its own Seal, and I will become the new Mayor of Ponyville."
"B-but, b-but," said the Mayor, starting to sway in shock. "Y-you c-can't do that! M-Mayors have to be elected. And you c-can't have one pony being M-Mayor of two towns."
"Very well," he said. He turned to the audience. "Is there any pony here who would wish to disagree with me concerning this proposal? If so, raise your right hoof now, or forever hold your peace."
There was a deathly silence. Only Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity (once they'd given her a nudge) raised their hooves, Twilight swapping once she remembered left from right. Everypony else was too captivated by those iron-clad hooves to make a move.
"Very well," said Humble Pie, ignoring the four at the back. "That's the election over with. And as for the rule against one pony being Mayor of two districts, well… I don't remember seeing it written down anywhere. Did you, Mayor?"
The Mayor spluttered and began twisting her mane between her forelegs. He returned to the microphone.
"The terms of my challenge are these: I will graciously step down to the first pony who can outright defeat me in his or her own arena. If I am defeated by a single pony, that pony wins. But if I defeat each and every one of you, on your own terms, then I win . Any takers? Or are you all too scared of being beaten?"
"Alright, that's it!"
"Rainbow Dash, hold it!" But Twilight was too late; Dash had already shot directly for the stage and was now inches away from Humble's nose.
"I'll put you in your place, you dork of a donkey. You think you're so hot? Try a challenge from the Pegasus Division of this competition. A pegasus-versus-pony race. One obstacle course. On wings. Let's see you try and beat that."
"Excellent! We have our first challenger!" said Humble Pie, in a voice better suited for the ringmaster of a circus. Fireworks exploded above them and streamers rained down on them. "Then LET THE GAMES BEGIIIIIIIIN!"
To be continued...
Part Two: Dishing out the Pie
Baking for Humble Pie
When Pinkie Pie is visited by an unexpected guest, she suspects the pony of planning to ruin tomorrow's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. But then her friends find out that they're up against a bigger challenge than they'd supposed…
Rainbow Dash was doing press-ups outside the Sweet Apple Acres barn. Next to her, Rarity counted them while Twilight and Applejack were consulting the list of rules.
"Well, his claim seems to hold up," Twilight said. "Every challenger puts forwards something to wager. If that pony loses even once, then that pony gives up the item they wagered and must quit the Tournament. If they win, then their opponent must give up their own item or something of roughly equal value. In the case of a Seal of Mayoralty…"
"But the Mayor ain't competin' in no games," Applejack said. "Ah'm sure we can nail 'im there."
"I'm afraid not," said Twilight. "Whenever the Mayor is elected, the Seal she accepts is not hers, but belongs to all the ponies of Ponyville, given to her by the ponies for as long as she's in office. All he has to do is defeat each and every pony in Ponyville, and he can claim the equivalent of his Seal for the entire Tournament."
"Um, hello? Aren't you forgetting somepony?" said Rainbow Dash. "He can't beat me at this game. You need wings, and he hasn't got any."
"Oh, ladies!" Humble called from beside the barn door. They looked round.
Humble had donned some mechanical wings, a sleek sticks-and-gears contraption of the sort that could only be welded and made by a skilled craftspony. Extra wingspan slid out of either side like rows of swords.
Rainbow Dash gulped. Twilight checked them over, her horn glowing as she guided it over and under them.
"There's no way that contraption's going to lift him up. And you can't use magic in a Pegasus challenge," said Dash. "Or what's the point of having the Divisions?"
"They seem to be the optimum for his size, but I can't detect any actual magic."
"What will be your wager?" said Humble to Dash, putting a hoof over her withers and wings.
Had a pony been particularly observant, they might have noticed the sharp edges of Humble's wing slice carefully through the primary feathers of Dash's. It was a subtle action, little more than a slight clipping of the edge - Dash herself didn't notice while she bore his weight - but it was enough. He hastily swept the fallen blue pieces out of sight with his prehensile tail.
The athletic pegasus pushed him aside with a hoof.
"I wager," she said, holding up a plastic container, "this geometry set." She rattled it.
"Dash!" shouted Twilight. "That was a birthday gift!"
"Twilight, I specifically asked for no uncool things on my birthday list. Come on, you're good with lists. Do something with it."
The obstacle course consisted of a series of zigzagging fences, a row of poplar trees, several low ropes they had to pass under, a length along an alligator-infested river, and then a U-turn and a straight rush back to the barn. They both lined up on the starting line.
"You are so going down," Rainbow Dash said.
"Going down in history, eh, Dash?" He chuckled. Rainbow Dash gaped, then growled and pointed her snout at the track. Both their wings were poised to strike.
Twilight raised a flag with her magic, then swiped down.
The sheer bursts of speed nearly ripped the mane off her head.
Rainbow Dash got a good start in the fence maze. Humble lagged behind, pumping his mechanical wings as fiercely as he could. However good they were at maintaining his bulk, they clearly made him far too slow. Up ahead, Rainbow Dash chuckled as she zipped smartly between the fences.
However, as they approached the poplars, something seemed to be wrong with Dash's concentration. Her blue wings were pumping, but despite the advantage she had, Humble flapped an almighty flap and came level with her. A swipe of his wings scythed the air, creating a slash of turbulence that shot across and struck Rainbow Dash. She was knocked off her concentration for a moment, but it was enough. With a smack, she went headfirst into the second tree.
To an outsider, it would have looked like Humble had merely flapped his wings, and only an acute observer could have seen the slash cut across from him to her.
Dash pulled herself out of the branches, shaken by this unexpected twist. She tried to continue, but as she weaved between the trees, she noticed how far Humble had shot ahead, and she began to feel an uncomfortably familiar fear creep up on her.
"Oh, no!" Twilight said. "Her stage fright!"
At the next point, Humble hit the ground so hard that he left a crater under the rope. Dash slipped neatly under her rope next to it.
Once they had cleared all the ropes in this manner, Humble and Dash approached the river. Humble frowned when he noticed how close she was getting.
"Say, Dash," he growled to himself. "How would you like a game of snap?"
An alligator shot out of the water in an arc and reached for him with open jaws.
An iron-clad kick sent it back into the water. The splash alone blinded Dash as she came up behind him, but he wasn't finished yet. More alligators leapt up, but he simply punched out any that got too close. Soon, he had cleared the river section, leaving a lot of stunned and bruised reptiles in his wake.
Dash had observed all this, having finally wiped the water from her eyes. When she followed behind, thinking he'd made it easy for her, she was cut short by a sudden snap. A pair of infuriated jaws stood tall before her before they lowered back into the water.
Another set of jaws made a second bid on her life, which she barely saved by a smart dodge out of the way. Dash was screaming in panic while she swerved and dodged a barrage of enraged, bruised alligator jaws.
One snapped her up, and vanished below the surface. There was a lot of bubbling.
A moment later, Dash burst through the water, shook herself off, and zoomed after Humble, picking up speed. They rushed through the U-turn: Humble first; Dash following soon after. The trees either side of them leaned over briefly as they passed.
Within seconds, he had crossed the finish line, claiming first place. He landed at once, dusting himself off proudly. Twilight ruefully flapped the flag.
Then, as Dash was zooming closer, he innocently looked up at the sun, and waited.
He stuck out a wing. The zoom switched to a splat, the wing vibrated, and then stopped. Twilight dropped the flag in horror.
Humble folded forwards his wings to get a look on the back.
"Oh, dear me, I seem to have caught a fly on my wing shield." He bent it back with his hoof, and let go, catapulting a screaming Dash through the air. She was so stunned that she continued onwards and crashed through the barn wall. There were a lot of unpleasant noises that, hopefully, were merely the sounds of breaking timber beams.
He went over to Twilight and claimed the geometry set. Twilight scowled as she handed it over.
Rainbow Dash dragged her back hooves along the ground as she crawled up to him and looked up at his face, panting. There were scratch marks and bruises all over her body, one black eye watered slightly, and one wing was hanging limp.
"You… you… you stole my… pride," she managed to say. She collapsed. He eased her body away from him with one hoof.
"Oh, Rainbow Dash, you need to learn how to be a graceful loser."
"Well, now's yer chance to show 'er how, 'cos Ah challenge you ter an apple-buckin' contest," said Applejack. "Yer'll need more than big muscles and a bounderby mouth ter win that."
"Splendid," said Humble. Behind him, Rarity was helping Dash up onto her own back to be carried away. The blue filly was too dazed to protest.
"Over here, y'all. Follow me."
It wasn't a long walk; the next arena was just on the other side of the barn. More fillies had gathered around.
Humble took his place, having accepted Applejack's challenge for the apple-bucking contest; whoever could buck their row of ten apple trees in the shortest time would win. Once she had graciously shown him the baskets under each tree, he analysed his carefully.
The bell signalled to start.
Applejack rushed up and bucked her first tree, sending every apple tumbling into her first basket. Humble did nothing. Then he whipped out the compass and protractor he'd won during the last contest, and a piece of paper. By manipulating them with his hooves and mouth he started to perform some quick calculations, writing notes, occasionally raising a hoof and making strange gestures at the trees. Most of the fillies that had come to watch laughed at him. Applejack meanwhile ran from tree to tree, bucking each one as she went.
She was onto her fifth tree when Humble turned around, judged the timing, strength and direction of his required muscular movements, and kicked his first tree.
It fell forwards and struck the next tree, which fell forwards and struck the next tree. The resulting domino effect took out all ten trees in a matter of seconds, knocking all the apples out in one go. The baskets were entirely filled by the time it stopped.
Applejack was dumbfounded. Her rear legs were still held up high for the next buck. Humble trotted over to her.
"And for this, I win… what did you wager?"
Applejack pointed sadly at a cart full of apples - some of Applejack's finest - which was standing beside the barn. Humble lifted up the yoke and harness with his head and slung them over his own wither. He guided the cart away, leaving Applejack with her jaw gaping.
Rarity and Twilight gave each other nervous looks. Both gulped at the same time.
For Pinkie herself, the thought of him seemed to evoke old dusty smells, and she sneezed. Everything seemed to be turning grey, as grey as granite, and her jaw ached with the memories of an old pout of disapproval. She could hear the chink of pickaxes… creaking wooden axles… and a hymn at the end of the day…
"Uh, Pinkie?"
Pinkie blinked it back and turned her head. Fluttershy was giving her a funny look.
"Are you OK? You look really tired."
"I'm fine," Pinkie said through clenched teeth. She felt subdued after Humble's last appearance, and she did not like it one bit.
"Is there something you want to talk about?"
"I'm fine." She pushed the door open and entered the cottage.
The Mayor was looking completely frazzled. Occasionally, she paused in her work to give a rolled up parchment a reassuring pat, before turning back to the rest of the desk and picking up the pen in her mouth.
"Mayor," said Pinkie Pie. "I'd like to push my competition under your nose, if you don't mind."
"Not now, Pinkie Pie," said the Mayor, putting down her pen. "Can't you see I'm a little tied up at the moment?"
"If you're tied up, then where are your ropes? Come on, Mayor, it's just a simple challenge. Look, I drew the design myself."
The Mayor took it reluctantly. "In crayon?"
"Well, forgive me for not having posh quills and an inkstand."
"Pinkie Pie, are you OK?"
"WHY DOES EVERYPONY KEE – I mean, yeah. I am fiiiiiiiiiiine. Okey dokey, you wanna pokey?"
The Mayor pushed it back. "I'm sorry, Pinkie. There's just no way I could possibly organise this now. The charts are already up and finalised, and this is one of the most complicated challenges I've ever seen."
"That's why I colour-coded it."
"I see. In cake icing."
"I ran out of crayon, OK?"
"Pinkie, no, just no. I'm under a lot of, p-pressure right now, and I n-need this t-time t-to –" The Mayor broke off and hastily tapped the rolled up parchment like it was a good luck charm. She let out the sort of breath that suggested that the air from her lungs had been under a lot of pressure, and wasn't it just nice to take a load off? "As I was saying, I need this time to draft a few letters to Princess Celestia. I need some advice on how to handle Humbl – I mean, this recent change of circumstances."
Pinkie reached over and put a hoof onto the Mayor's letter to block it off.
"And that is why I'm trying to help you!"
"You? Pinkie, you're not challenger material. Besides, look at this chart."
A mint-coloured unicorn with a lyre cutie mark jumped over and levitated a large canvas before both Pinkie and the Mayor. The canvas was a trio of tables, each one labelled a Division – the Earth Pony Division, the Pegasus Division, and the Unicorn Division. Every name on the Earth Pony Division table had been crossed out, with a letter "H" next to each one. Half of the Pegasus Division table had gone the same way, and so had two of the Unicorn Division names.
"Normally, we keep these three completely separate for fairness' sake, so there would usually be three last challenges going through to the final. But now that we have our first inter-divisionary competitor, I'm having to figure out how this is going to work, whether he should do all three or just one, and how the awards system is going to work."
"Why don't you just make it easy for yourself and disqualify him?" said Pinkie.
"Good idea. You," said the Mayor, pointing to the mint unicorn. "Disqualify the new competitor."
"M-me?"
"Yes, you." The Mayor glared. The mint unicorn dropped the chart and began to tremble.
"Me? Disqualify that thing?" She looked like she was going to cry. The Mayor gestured with her forelegs as if to say "I rest my case."
"I'm sorry, Pinkie Pie, but that's just how it is."
Pinkamena's glare was undaunted. Hooves pressed down squarely on the desk and the pink face leaned in close.
"I'll be back," she hissed.
Then she snatched up the challenge design, spun on her hooves, and stomped the entire way, out of the door, and down the road, leaving Fluttershy to flutter nervously after her.
"Well, whut does the rulebook say abou' competitors makin' challenges?"
"He's technically just a challenger, but his challenge is that he'll be the best competitor in all the other challenges, so he has the best of both worlds, and he has us both ways."
"An' we already accepted his challenge," Applejack said glumly.
"I can't find any mention of this 'competitor-challenge' thing in the rules. No pony has ever done it before. It's like he's inventing a rulebook of his own."
"Well, let's hope Rarity can hold 'er own against 'im."
In fact, the inside of Carousel Boutique was a flurry of levitating objects on Rarity's side, while Humble, without a magic horn to see him through, was having to rush around carrying everything manually. They were both working towards the same dress design, pinned to the wall behind them on canvas paper, and had been at it for nearly ten minutes.
What was even more cheering to the small crowd of ponies gathered at the entrance was the look of complete unconcern on Rarity's face as stitches and threading spun around her and she placed them on her model, bringing the dress closer to perfection. Humble's dress was also nearly complete, but it was clear from all the panting and huffing that he was being pushed to his limit, and every now and again he could not resist pausing to have a peek at his rival's work.
A box of gems shone sky blue and hurried over to Rarity's inspecting eye. While her horn was glowing blue, gem after gem moved up, floating above her face briefly, before she put them back into the box. A few caught her eye – these ones were summoned to decorate the dress, closing in like flies towards a bug lamp.
Humble had paused to watch again, his own box in his own hooves, and raised an eyebrow at this behaviour.
Three gems were left to put on, then two, then one.
Both dresses received their last gem at exactly the same moment. A tap on a triangle signalled the end of the contest.
"And that I declare is a drawing-tie!" shouted Sweetie Belle, who lowered the triangle magically.
Humble was out of breath, but Rarity was barely sweating. As the ponies around her dressmaking chamber closed in, she asked them to be careful where they placed their hooves, as some were treading over loose bits of fabric and knocking over a stray stool, and one or two bumped the mirrors around them. Nopony closed in around Humble, who was staring at his own gem box with a thoughtful expression.
"Hah!" said Twilight, walking nonchalantly up to him, Applejack following behind. "You lost this challenge."
"I drew," said Humble. "Did you not remember my exact words? I said if I was outright beaten. Does a draw look like outright beating to you? No, this is just a temporary setback. We'll rematch soon."
He stormed past them, ignoring the group of ponies that crowded around Rarity, and kicked the door the wrong way, breaking its hinges. He stomped off. The crowd of ponies followed him sometime later, while Applejack and Twilight watched.
"Ooh, I'd like to give him an outright beating," said Rarity nearby. "I swear he kept trying to snatch up my materials before I needed them."
Rarity trotted up to Twilight and Applejack, idly picking up stray ribbons and fabric sheets and sending them back into the boxes surrounding the art room.
"Not nervous anymore, I see?" said Twilight cheerfully.
"Certainly not. I was in my element."
"But that's incredible, Rarity," said Applejack. "So far, you're the only challenger he ain't beat. Ah tip my hat to yer."
"Well, I put it all down to getting a good night's beauty sleep. I've been feeling lovely and refreshed all day."
Twilight gagged, and shoved a hoof in her mouth.
"Twilight, ain't y'all s'posed to be attendin' yer own challenge righ' about now?"
Twilight looked crestfallen.
"I would, but so far nopony's taken it up, and I need the practice before I face Humble."
"Shoot, li'l bookworm. You could knock him down in yer sleep. B'sides, he ain't got no magic horn, so how he's gonna take on the other unicorns Ah have no idea."
Rarity's pupils suddenly shrunk.
"I've just thought of something. So far, I'm the only challenger to have so much as earned a draw against him. If he beats everypony else, then does that mean that in the final he does my challenge, or…" she said, and gulped before she continued, "does… does that mean that I… have to do… h-his… challenge?"
Twilight and Applejack gave each other nervous looks.
"Let's… take a break for a while, what do you say?" said Twilight.
"Yes, I suppose that would be best," said Rarity, looking sadly at the ground. Then she brightened up. "Ooh, I know. How about I treat you girls with a visit to the kiosks?"
The other two cheered and helped her put away the models, Rarity using the distraction to hide the look of panic on her face.
Anxious, Humble stomped down the Ponyville street, leaving two-inch deep hoofmarks in the yellow cobbled path behind him. There were kiosks all along the side of the road – wooden stalls selling all kinds of delectables and trinkets for the visitors. There seemed to be more ponies around than usual. Clearly, the Tournament was a popular attraction.
"This is an outrage," he muttered to himself, ignoring the puzzled looks of passing ponies. "All you have left now are the Unicorn Division challenges, and you don't have anything magical yet, you idiot. If you don't think of something soon, Humble, your position will be irreversibly compromised. Blast that unicorn! I need to come up with something to make sure it never happens again, and fast."
To his surprise, a pink unicorn shot past – had he been a step further, it would have taken his head off – and crashed into the front of one of Ponyville's medieval-style houses. When the dust cleared, a sad little rump was all that could be seen besides cracked yellow wall. Humble followed the trajectory back to its source.
A purple unicorn with a three-diamond cutie mark strutted back and forth in a wrestling ring the size of the Ponyville town stage. There was a green glow all around her, though her horn was deactivated. She had clearly put on herself a muscle-enhancement spell – no normal unicorn had proportions more becoming of a manticore.
How intriguing, he thought, thinking back to his time in the mountains. Magic that powerful almost never came from a unicorn directly. So where…?
Humble looked behind him. The three ponies from earlier – Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity – were coming up the street, three blue-glowing ice creams suspended in front of them, and they were laughing together, perhaps at some joke. Looking up showed him that the sun had just passed the midway point of its arc and was heading for the horizon, and as he followed its beam he caught a gleam of something emerald by the wrestling ring. For reasons better known to himself, both sights together seemed to please him. He spat into one hoof and smoothed down the back of his lion's mane, an action which had little observable result, and stepped up to the ring.
"May I take up this challenge?" Humble said to the purple unicorn. She frowned at him.
Seconds later, as Twilight, Rarity and Applejack were walking into view, a huge pony body smashed into the ground in front of them. The shock made Rarity drop all three ice creams.
Embedded in the grass, the purple unicorn twitched her eye. Looking up, they saw a familiar face beaming from within the ring.
"Well, well, well," said Humble, "that was refreshingly easy. I guess it's time to claim my prize."
"Oh, it's just that hooligan again," said Rarity. "Come, girls, let us depart from this atrocious scene."
"And what a lovely prize, too," said Humble, gesturing towards the side of the arena, as the three of them passed by with their noses in the air. "Why, I'd have to say, it's practically a steal."
Out of curiosity, she looked. Rarity stopped and put a hoof out to stop the others. Puzzled, they followed her gaze.
Raised on a podium, sitting upon a plush velvet cushion, was an emerald. It was three times the size of a normal gem, and embedded into a golden plate, from which two chains of gold curved away. Each chain ended with a hook, and the result was a somewhat front-heavy, but highly polished, necklace. Rarity gasped when she saw it.
"That's MINE!" she shrieked. "Somepony stole that emerald from my store. And… eugh, they put it on a golden plate. Darling, that is just not done. Rubies would have given it a far more fetching colour, and it could do with a little shrinking, and perhaps a few more gems in the links –"
"Ah, you want this?" said Humble, leaning on the rope surrounding the ring, which sagged nearly to the ground under his weight. "Well, tough horsetails, because it is mine now."
"You disgusting, thieving, fashion-insensitive scoundrel!"
He scratched his chest with a hoof and idly examined the tip.
"Thief? Me? I'll have you know that I rightfully won this. Of course, I would hold out if somepony cared to take up the former challenger's mantle."
He pointed to the purple unicorn lying on the grass. She was still unconscious. Rarity snorted.
"Good sir. How stupid do you think I am?"
"Well, naturally, not stupid at all. Quite clever of you to realise you would not wish to lose."
"Lose?"
"It is probably for the best that you do not risk your pretty neck, swapping challenges at the last minute, especially while your friends are watching you fail."
"Fail ?" Rarity bared her teeth.
"Of course, I completely understand. In fact, I admire it. What a wise move for one so beautiful and delicate as yourself."
"DELICATE ?" Rarity shoved her nose up into his. He guided her back with one hoof.
"You defeated me in the art of frou-frou, but have you met your match in the art of kung-fu? Or is this pale filly too hoity-toity to embarrass herself before her compadrés?"
Rarity, silently fuming, tried biting back her rage.
"Don't do it, Rarity," said Twilight. "He's just trying to get around the dressmaking draw."
"I am sorry, girls. I am fully aware that this ruffian is goading me, and I am fully aware that he is trying to take advantage of my… feelings for you. But if I can just get one hoof into that over-preening mouth of his, so help me Celestia, I'll not pass the buck."
Humble's mouth twisted in self-congratulating satisfaction, making the target in question more obvious, and more desirable, to hit. Rarity looked past him to the fallen unicorn.
"I hope you don't mind?" she shouted to the prone form, who merely raised a shaking hoof.
"Your… funeral," was the reply.
"Care to dance?" Humble said, gesturing towards the other corner. "Mademoiselle?"
"For you, good sir," she retorted, "I would tango until you dropped dead."
He lowered the ropes, allowing her to enter the arena with dignity. When Twilight stepped forwards to dissuade her, he let go, causing the rope to smack her in the jaw and send her flipping backwards. He took his position, and cracked his toe-bones against each other like knuckles. Rarity swept back her hair, then tucked her chin down and swelled with apprehension.
Humble pawed the ground, scraping half of the thickness of the arena floor off in one hoof, and snorted. Rarity's eyes narrowed, as somewhere in the distance a red hawk screeched.
Ponies all around held their breaths, except for Twilight, who was picking herself up and wondering why the stars were suddenly orbiting her head. One stunned mint-coloured unicorn held a donut halfway to her mouth, which her grey pegasus neighbour quickly took a bite out of.
Sweetie Belle leaped up and clanged the bell with all four hooves.
With a growl and a snarl, both Humble and Rarity shot from nought to a full gallop. Rarity slipped under his hoof as he aimed a blow, and took advantage of his distraction by aiming a well-placed kick into the underside of his jaw. She landed on both hind legs, forelegs raised. There was a crash as he bounced off the floor, then a flip and all four hooves were on the ground again. He growled, but otherwise looked like he hadn't received so much as a poke. With all four legs, he threw himself at her.
A quick block shook off her second kick, but following it up with a swipe didn't work, and he was rewarded with a kick into the small of his back.
"Go, Rarity!" shouted Twilight.
"That's it, girl, buck 'im down!" Applejack shouted. Rarity delivered, in quick succession, an elbow into the ribs, a kick into the stomach, and a stomp on his head. A return swipe was dutifully dodged. She landed. Then they were locked, hoof to hoof, pushing hard and glaring into each other's faces.
"Very graceful, mademoiselle," Humble said between straining teeth. "It is exceedingly rare to make the acquaintance of a dressmaker who can kick."
"How droll," Rarity returned, "I was just on the verge of making the same observation about you."
They broke hooves, but Humble took advantage of the respite and somersaulted over her. A quick push of a hoof into both her hocks caused her to fall onto her front. She rolled aside and unleashed a flurry of kicks.
"Thou movest with such poise, such elegance," Humble said. He parried a kick. "It is poetry in motion, music embodied, a melody to my eyes."
"I would not say thou wert no such inelegant partner thyself." A second kick struck at his ear, but he batted her aside with a backhoof.
"Oh? Perhaps, mademoiselle, I leave thee tongue-tied in my sight?"
To this, Rarity seized one of his hooves, ran upon his back, and pushed him down onto his chest, trapping him in a half-nelson.
"There shalt be no tying of the tongues, foul steed!" she cried.
He rolled over. Something crunched.
There was a gasp from the crowd.
What looked like a poster of Rarity was flattened down where Humble's back had rolled over the arena floor. She struggled, and finally popped back into shape. There was murder in her eyes.
"Thou assumest too many airs, mare of the diamond," Humble said, sitting on the ropes around the ring, "and all one hears is bluster."
With a flick, he stretched himself like an arrow in a bow and catapulted himself directly upwards. Rarity watched as he eclipsed the sun, then came streaming down, hoof aimed. She screamed and rolled aside as he collided like a furry meteor into the centre of the ring, leaving a monstrous crater. Every pony around bounced with the shaking of the ground. He hopped out of it.
"Bluster shalt not be bluster if thine hoof fails to meet thine mark," Rarity taunted. She gave a flying kick, and then squealed as both of his hooves caught her in midair and held her up to his face.
"Rest assured, fair maiden, mine hoof never yet failed to meet its mark!"
"Past successes are no guarantee of future triumph! Take heed, foul gloating apparition, and expend less on speech, more on strength!"
"I have the strength of iron!" he cried, dropping her. With a flip and a buck he sent her flying into the ropes, stretching them out for as far as the momentum lasted. Rarity gave a whimper as the ropes threw her back into the arena and into the waiting, slightly angled hooves of Humble.
He didn't even kick. Rarity simply met the hooves and ricocheted off, flying over their heads, screaming.
Every pony traced the arc as Rarity soared out of the arena, over their heads, and towards the nearby donut kiosk. The owner looked up and ducked behind his stall.
Humble hopped out of the arena, slid across, casually knocked the kiosk aside and extended his hooves, ready and waiting when the screaming Rarity landed in them.
Gently, he lowered her onto the grass, where she let down her legs and stood up, shaking her mane back into shape. She looked back at him, one slightly out-of-focus eyebrow raised.
"Beauty should not be spoiled," was all he would say. He walked past her, leaving her swaying either with dizziness or with flattery, it was hard to read her expression.
The necklace was hooked over one hoof and draped with care over the giant neck, disappearing partially into the mass of mane around it. Only the emerald could still be seen. He tilted it to get a better look.
"A worthy prize," he commented. "Beat a gem to get a gem. Even in defeat, you are an inspiration for poetry."
"That was against Queen's filly rules," Twilight said accusingly, walking up to him.
"Being graceful does not mean being gentle. Have you never heard of the graceful punch?"
And over the hill behind him, a small crowd of ponies, lead by the Mayor and by Pinkie Pie, came walking. The two in front were deep in an argument.
"Pinkie Pie, for the last time, you can pester me until the cows come home –"
"They're already home. Don't change the subject. THERE! Look for yourself."
Wearily, the Mayor followed Pinkie Pie's pointing hoof. Down below, she could see the ring, and the scattering of ponies around it. Humble was in their midst, flexing his muscles and laughing with bursts of self-congratulating pleasure. At the sight, the Mayor's face glowed bright red. Her body quaked and steam rose up from under her uniform.
Pinkie herself looked down as she saw her brother leap to and fro in triumph. Leaping to and fro… the farm…
She thought she could see movement. Clouds appeared. There was a wagon, and a high rainfall. The older ponies and the fillies soldiered on, pulling along carts filled with gravel, covered in dirt. But the pink filly, her hair flowing in cascades from her head, trying to hop in her harness, after struggling to pull hers, simply collapsed with a splash. The cart behind her stopped moving. A hoof came down gently next to her, and the filly looked up. A sneering aquamarine face looked down, a piece of hay in his mouth and rain dripping off his flanks as he looked down on her. He shook his head, and mouthed two times two words at her.
"You failed. This time."
The little filly looked down at the puddle in which she lay, and covered up her face. Her shoulders shook.
Pinkie blinked and the image faded away. She shook her head violently. Her glare could have been used for a slide rule.
"No. Not for one day. Somepony's got to stand up to him, and I'm the only one who knows how."
The Mayor was oblivious, too busy considering. What she really needed was the comforting touch of her Seal, but it wasn't there. Her expression hardened like molten lava into rock.
"Oh, confound it all. Am I Mayor or am I Mayor?" she said, and turned to Pinkie. "Pinkie, if you can put a stop to this madness, then I am fully prepared to accept your challenge as a late entry."
Pinkie Pie smirked, and gave a sidelong glance at the ponies behind her. Under her breath, she counted down.
"Wait. If she gets to have a late challenge, then why can't I?" said one with purple, pink and white stripes in her mane. Surprised, the Mayor turned to face her, mouth working furiously and looking up at the clouds for something to say.
"W-well, well, I, uh –"
"I had a great challenge in mind," said another pony.
"Now that you mention it, so did I," said a red pegasus.
"I want to put forwards one, too, Mayor!"
"Me too!"
"And I do too!"
"That's quite enough," said the Mayor. "If you all want to do so, then I accept. But only on the condition that you set them up yourselves." When they all went "awww," she put her hoof down. "Ponies, I simply cannot authorise a rescheduling of this size unless you handle some of the organising work."
Every face looked like it was about to cry.
"Hey," said Pinkie Pie. "You could all help with my challenge! It works best with more than one pony anyway."
Several faces beamed, but a few still looked uncertain.
"I don't know," said one. "I really liked my own challenge."
"Come on," said her partner. "It's Pinkie Pie. If she's got a challenge, then it is going to be fun."
"And awesome!" said another.
"Count me in!"
Every pony cheered, much to Pinkie Pie's delight. The Mayor wiped her brow with relief.
"Well, at least it should happen a lot faster now that you have extra help," said the Mayor. She stood up tall and proud before Pinkie, who put on her best serious face. "Pinkie Pie, it looks like you're all that I've got. This is an insane situation, so we're going to need all the insane ponies we can get. May Celestia be with you."
"Oh, thank you Mayor! Thank you! I promise you won't regret this!"
"Yes, well, I'll be the one to judge that."
There was a collective cheer from all around, and everypony turned back towards Sugar Cube Corner. Within the crowd, Fluttershy's wings drooped.
Amid the cheering, Pinkie Pie leaned towards the brown pony near the back with the hourglass cutie mark.
"Say, buddy," she said, elbowing him in the wither. "You wouldn't happen to know where Humble is set up, now, wouldya?"
"Well, there are some unicorns around saying that he came from some place out of town. Apparently, he's staying at Roadside Stables."
"The pony hotel? Canter for all your special needs?"
"Do you know another?"
"Great!" Pinkie Pie rushed off, much to the brown pony's amusement.
Fluttershy's mouth hung open in an 'o', and she raised an eyebrow after her friend.
"But Pinkie, how are you going to find time to run your own challenge and to go see Humble's lodgings?" said Fluttershy, as Pinkie used a mallet in her hooves to fix a wooden sign in front of Sugar Cube Corner's bakery.
"I'll… run the… challenge… first," said Pinkie, giving it a series of swipes, "then… I'll go… and have a look around. Do a little bit of pryin'. See what old Mr Party-Pooper is hiding away."
"P-Prying?" Fluttershy said in complete shock. "P-Pinkie Pie, I thought you respected and cherished secrets like you cherished cream-topped cherry-flavoured chocolate fudge sundaes?"
"Secrets schmecrets, this is my brother we're talking about."
"But Pinkie…"
She whimpered as Pinkie's face butted hers, and they were uncomfortably close, eye-to-eye, and, in Fluttershy's case, wishing she could close hers. She also wished Pinkie would let go of the mallet.
"Do I smell the unwelcome sniff of not-trusting-your-bestest-best-friend from your fur, little si- I mean, little Fluttershy?"
"Oh no. Not at all. No funny smells here," said Fluttershy, shaking her head. Since Pinkie's was touching hers, this made Pinkie shake her head along with it.
"Do you know what'll happen if Humble gets the Seal of May… however you pronounce it? He once managed to take over the farm for a day. It was my only failure against him. That was the furthest I ever let him go, and, by golly, I swore on that day that I would never let it happen again."
"But I'm worried about you, Pinkie. Don't you see what's happening to yourself?"
"Come on, old friend, look who you're talking to. You know who I am." She dropped the mallet.
To Fluttershy's horror, Pinkie's hair deflated.
"It's game time," said Pinkamena. There was no joy in her face now. "Humble, here I come. Now watch me take them all down, Fluttershy, Pinkie-Pie-style, and you'll see who I really am."
Pinkamena joined the crowd inside, walking, not hopping, along to greet the masses. There was an eager look on her face and her body colour darkened as she passed Fluttershy. Fluttershy's little gasp was lost in the party din. Two doors creaked to a close.
Fluttershy peeked through the gap as the challenge started. Pinkamena's war cry was clearly audible over the subsequent crashing that followed. Fluttershy covered her ears, then winced and covered her eyes. She gave a peek, and when a second crash died down, Fluttershy covered her mouth.
Pinkamena roared triumphantly. The next competitor was called.
Fluttershy turned her back on Sugar Cube Corner and shook her head sadly. More crashing came from inside, followed by a cry of pain.
"I… thought I knew you, Pinkie," she said, lowering her gaze. "But… not anymore."
A slide of her mane covered up her eyes. One tear dropped to the ground.
To be continued…
Part Three: Pinkamena Returns
Baking for Humble Pie
When Pinkie Pie is visited by an unexpected guest, she suspects the pony of planning to ruin tomorrow's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. But then her friends find out that they're up against a bigger challenge than they'd supposed…
“I don’t believe it,” Twilight said, rummaging through the tome of Equestria Games and Rules, A Guide to Running for Events and Races and other Enjoyable Games. “He’s beaten all the Pegasus Division challenges, and all the Earth Pony Division challenges, and he’s nearly beaten all the Unicorn Division ones. You can’t do that! Nopony has ever done that before!”
“An’ he’s done it. But what abou’ the final? Can challenger go up against challenger?”
“No, but he won’t have to. All he has to do is defeat all the other challengers first. The best competitor besides him will have to do his challenge. I hate to think what he’s going to put her through! Ah! It’s all so weird! It hurts just trying to keep up with this crazy train of loopholes! He is one sick-minded pony.”
“Oh, give it a rest, would you, Twilight?” said Rainbow Dash from her wheelchair.
“Glad to see yer out o’ the hospital,” said Applejack.
“I will give it a rest, once I’ve found a way to get us out of this mess using THE RULES!” Twilight pored over page after page of the rulebook in her lap.
“Ah’m sorry, Twilight. Ah guess there’s jus’ no wormin’ our way out of this one.”
The rulebook levitated out of her lap, and Twilight was suddenly bucked out of her chair and onto the soil.
“Enough chit-chat,” Humble said. “The last challenge awaits, and you’re sitting around, reading little filly’s books, Twilight. I expected better from the pony who once had to be disciplined by her own mentor for a certain little misuse of… what was it again? A want-it-need-it spell, wasn’t it?”
“Don’t listen ter him,” Applejack whispered to the growling Twilight. “He’s jus’ tryin’ to trick yer into makin’ a mistake.”
“Don’t you think this green gem matches my eyes?” said Humble, puffing out his chest to show off the emerald necklace. “I’m almost glad I won it when I did. It makes this particular challenge a lot easier for me.”
“Oh, I see your little game,” said Twilight. “I see your little game. Start off with nothing, then get the geometry set. Out-geometrise Applejack, and you get a punch bag. Beat the wrestling challenge, and you get the green gem.”
“Yes, what an uncanny string of coincidences. I have no idea how it came about. Well, I do like to save the best for last,” said Humble, gesturing to the arena. “Shall we?”
Twilight’s gulp could have been heard from the other side.
They were positioned in a circular clearing, surrounded by the gnarled and rotting vegetation of the Everfree Forest. A sun symbol had been magically painted onto the wooden arena, engulfing most of the circle’s surface area. The rim was a purple circumference, thick enough for a pony to walk around, separated from the middle of the arena by a long red rope that didn’t seem to be supported by anything, though for decorative purposes golden poles were placed every few paces around the ring. Here, ponies sat by and watched the performance. It seemed like the entire town had turned up, though as Twilight reflected, it was more likely that many of them were visitors from outside the town, and most of Ponyville’s residents were attending kiosks, drowning their sorrows with donuts.
“We mus’ be right close ter Zecora’s hut here,” whispered Applejack to Rainbow Dash. “Wonder if she’ll turn up.”
“I thought I heard a strange new sound,
The crowd parted to accommodate a zebra, who stood next to Applejack.
“Hey, glad yer could make it,” said Applejack. “Ah ain’t sin yer fer a long time.”
“I’m afraid brute contests aren’t my thing,
“That’ll be Twilight. She’s goin’ up against some new big-shot,” said Applejack. “He’s beaten near everypony else, and if he wins, he gets the town.”
But Zecora was barely listening. She was peering closer at Humble Pie, who was on the other side of the arena. With a gasp, she began babbling in Swahili.
“Zecora?” Applejack said, somewhat nervously, as a few ponies around them were muttering about Zecora’s use of language. “What’s eatin’ you?”
“That amulet around his neck,
In the arena before them, Twilight heard Zecora’s words and suspicion crept into her. She peered closer at the green gem.
There was a gasp from her lips.
“Yer can do it, Twilight!” Applejack shouted hastily. “Knock that sucker down a few pegs!”
“Yeah, let him have it, Twi!” Rainbow Dash added. Zecora rubbed her chin thoughtfully.
On the other side, Humble’s smirk was clearly visible. Twilight bared her teeth in an unconvincing grin in reply.
As one, the two challengers marched towards each other. The crowd fell to a hush, which had completely died away when they met face-to-face in the centre. They both stopped.
“Tell me, Humble,” Twilight said, while they had this opportunity to whisper. “How did you end up leaving the Royal Guard?”
“There weren’t enough promotion possibilities for me there. Impressive, considering I’d just joined up.”
“I bet Celestia saw right through your little game,” said Twilight with a smirk. Humble leaned forwards, but she didn’t back off.
“Save your cockiness for when we finish this little game, filly,” he hissed.
Private victory to her, she thought. They straightened up. Both made an about-turn. As the crowd made its silent bets, the two magic-wielders took slow, deliberate steps towards the opposite ends of the arena. One… two… three…
Applejack heard a munching beside her, and looked. Rainbow Dash had a bucket of popcorn in her lap.
“Dash!” she said.
“Wha’?”
“Be a little more supportive!” There was another crunch to her other side. Zecora was munching on her own popcorn too. Applejack slapped her own forehead.
…seven… eight… nine…
Knees shaking, Twilight tried not to think of her bed. Tiredness began to sweep over her. Not now, she thought. Oh, please, please, please not now.
…ten.
She whipped around and fired off a stream of purple light at the same instant Humble fired a green laser from his necklace. The two blasts met in the middle. Several audience members donned sunglasses.
Then the purple light shot through the green and closed in on a now very startled Humble.
“What in Celestia’s -”
A leap aside delivered him from the blast. It continued on, but just before it met the red rope, it flared out as if against a glass dome and fizzed out. All the same, the ponies raised their hooves to shield their eyes.
Two more shots followed Humble as he raced around the rim of the arena. Twilight was baring her teeth and aiming as her magical horn glowed, powered up, and then fired off burst after burst of pulsating purple lights. Among the explosions, more audience members donned earmuffs.
Twilight vanished in a flash of light.
Horrified, Humble stared at the spot. He was still staring when he heard a pop behind him, and as he turned, he hastily stepped aside as another blast of magic scorched past. It left a smoking patch where he had been standing.
There was more cantering of hooves, and more blasting, punctuated by more flashes of light, more pops, and more cries of alarm.
“Oh, yeah, now that’s entertainment,” Rainbow Dash said, stuffing more popcorn into her mouth. Applejack’s face contorted.
“Oh, consarn it,” she said. “Can I have a few?”
“Get your own!” Dash held them out of reach. “You should have bought some at the kiosk.”
“My goodness me, that little filly,"
“Nah," said Applejack to the zebra. "Twilight knows what she’s doin’. She’d never go overboard.”
Twilight let out a war cry and was now crouched in an attack position. Behind her, several chairs, tables, and stools rose up in a fireworks display of purple and hovered, ready to strike.
Zecora gave her friend a sceptical sideways glance.
“Well, OK. Maybe a l’il overboard.”
“HHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYA!” Everything shot over Twilight’s head towards Humble, who looked like he’d just seen a runaway train coming for him. Crashing furniture and smashing wood charted where he had been just seconds ago, as he weaved a ballet of the utmost terror. Twilight teleported again and he was knocked aside by the splash of another purple bolt from behind.
As he lay on his side, completely stunned, purple smoke rose from his singed tail. He punched the dizziness out of his ears and raised it for a proper look. He made no further movement until a table was thrown at him, which he blocked with a backhoof, and he back-flipped onto all four hooves again. A green shot from his necklace was casually intercepted by a burst of purple lightning.
Humble stamped.
“This has gone far enough, little filly,” he growled, like a tiger with a struggling deer. The green gem fired up.
Twilight’s panicky expression, which she hadn’t changed for the entirety of the fight, so afraid was she of losing, switched to puzzlement. Those audience members who had refused to put on earmuffs searched around for the source of the whirring noise.
Twilight turned around as, over the tree canopy, a pair of mechanical wings cleared the leaves and sliced through the magical bubble. With a shriek, she ducked as it nearly decapitated her, and it hovered over Humble’s back. The green glows around it and the necklace faded once it was fitted neatly into place.
Rainbow Dash spat out her popcorn.
“Hey, wait a sec –” she said.
The aquamarine hulk rose up like a demon from the purple smoke. Twilight gaped up at him.
“Fun time,” he growled, “is over.”
Twilight aimed another shot, but he slid aside with ease. As he circled overhead, further purple shots missed and blew up around the purple shield, causing its already torn magical fabric to shut down.
“Oh no!” wailed Twilight. But as her horn glowed to repair the falling shield, an emerald blast shot down next to her, making her jump.
Humble fell into a dive, tucking back his mechanical wings to clear the way for a volley of emerald shots. Twilight replied in kind, her shots incinerating his and heading straight for his necklace. With each strike, the gem glowed more fiercely.
With a snarl, the airborne pony shook his head and the necklace came flying off, the green gem pulsing with energy. Random shots fired from it. Twilight couldn’t run fast enough as green clouds exploded around her. One of the blasts struck her glowing head, followed by the emerald. A blast of purple light blew it to pieces, but there was a cry of pain and a burst of green clouds and suddenly nothing could be seen.
The crowd lowered their sunglasses.
Applejack cried out in sudden fear. Zecora and Rainbow Dash made angry sounds.
It took a long time for the green cloud to clear, though the process went much faster when Humble landed with a gust of air right beside its centre. Twilight Sparkle’s body was revealed.
There was a collective gasp.
Twilight opened her eyes, trying to fight back the urge to sleep. Then she looked at her forehead.
She saw the condition of her horn.
Everypony hastily put back their earmuffs to avoid hearing the long, pained, tortured scream. Applejack and Zecora rushed forwards, knocking the rope aside – Rainbow Dash tried to, but jerked forwards too far and toppled her wheelchair over.
Comforting forelegs closed around Twilight’s sobbing head, and when she looked up, the reassuring face of Applejack was right next to her. Zecora was angrily staring down Humble Pie.
“Have you no shame, you pompous beast?
Angry outbursts from the crowd reinforced this outcry. Humble’s chest puffed up indignantly.
“How dare you accuse me of cheating? I won fair and square. First one to disarm the other’s horn, or in my case amulet, wins. I disarmed her horn, so I win.”
“Yer done much more than that ter it, yer bull-at-a-gate! Don’t you worry none, Twilight, we’ll have that there horn nice an’ fixed up in no time.”
Twilight’s sobbing had reduced to a lot of snuffling. She was trying to hold back tears, her lips wobbling with the effort.
“There was no explicit rule against using wings, so there.” Humble received a murderous look from Applejack for this. “And now, ladies and gentlecolts, the last challenge of the Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament has been won! I am now the new Mayor of Ponyville! I shall expect to see you all this evening, when the new age of ponydom shall begin!”
He marched off, surrounded by the muttering crowd, who were throwing him evil looks and hanging their heads morosely. He paused to pick up the remainder of the necklace with his teeth. The gem was smashed like a broken window, but still glowed at his touch. Contemptuously, he dropped it onto his back.
“Oh yes, and before I go,” said Humble, turning around at the edge of the arena, “I have your little wager to collect.”
Twilight sobered up at once.
With a green glow, a pile of indigo books shot over their heads. Twilight’s whole face seemed to explode with alarm.
“My complete collection of the Encyclopedia Equestria!” she shrieked. “NO!”
“What a lovely bit of reading I have for the rest of this afternoon. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll write up some new chapters for the next edition, paying particular attention to the history section.”
Twilight was making some funny breathing noises, and as Applejack looked down she saw Twilight clutch her ribs.
“Quick, y’all! She’s hyperventilatin’!”
Zecora rushed over. Rainbow Dash struggled to push her wheelchair upright, and as the last of the crowd trotted away, Rarity was hobbling to her fallen friend’s side as fast as her legs could carry her. One of her legs was in a sling.
“Oh no, did I miss it?” she said, while Rainbow struggled.
From the stage, Applejack cried out: “Sit up, bend yer knees, don’t eat or drink nothin’ – somepony get her some pillows – breath slowly an’ deeply, an’ don’t move yerself unnecessarily. OW! Somepony-get-her-somethin’-ter-squeeze! She’s-squeezin’-mah-hoof ! OOOW!”
Pinkamena tied up a ribbon in her hair, slapped a pair of glasses onto Fluttershy, and looked across the round table. Gummy clamped onto her hair and hung there lazily.
“Good news, gentlecolts,” she said, while Gummy swung beneath her. “Oh, and Fluttershy. The Pinkie Pie challenge has been completely, utterly, and, I would go so far as to say, utterly not-beaten! And, to celebrate our glorious victory, I have prepared a speech which I think adequately covers the feelings of every pony present here.”
Pinkamena’s “war room”, as she called it, consisted of a table and several chairs filled with stuffed toys. It was anypony’s guess how she’d managed to carry it upstairs from the party room. The pink pony had also managed to rope Fluttershy into this meeting via “debriefing,” which Fluttershy presumed involved being shouted at, looked at in a funny way, and generally terrified beyond all reason.
“Here is my speech,” said the officious pony, holding up a scroll in her hooves. “Ahem: ‘Humble sucks, Pinkie rocks. Pinkie Pie will knock your socks… off.’ If you wear any. Oh, and if you don’t mind hoof-scratch.”
How is she even holding it up? Hooves shouldn’t be able to do that. Despite these thoughts, Fluttershy attempted a clap. It sounded like two coconuts clopping together.
“Yay, Pinkie,” said Fluttershy, with a nervous titter. “That was a wonderful song.”
“SONG? Didn’t you hear me? It was an official speech. Completely fictional, and any resemblance to rhymes living or not-living are entirely coincidental. And in any case are mine, since we don’t have copyright laws in Equestria.”
Always nervous at the best of times, the yellow pegasus shrank away from the incoming glaring face, as if its anger was a stinger missile that could have its sensors confused by trembling.
“Oh, but I really like your songs, especially the one you sung yesterday at the lunchtime party at Twi–”
“Enough idle chit-chat.” Pinkamena stopped in front of Fluttershy before judging her to be sufficiently intimidated, and when the winged pony was brave enough to peek, she saw her tormentor walking to the other end of the room. It was anypony’s guess what new crosswind of thought had caught that mind, but whatever it was drove Little Miss Madness to pull out a cardboard box from under her bed. She rummaged through it noisily.
“Chit-chats?” said Fluttershy, ears drooping while she attempted a brave smile. “Why don’t we go get some chit-chats from the Cakes downstairs?”
“Don’t be silly, Fluttershy. You can't eat chit-chats.” Pinkamena placed a few items on the bedside table, but was careful to obscure them from Fluttershy’s view with a foreleg. “Now, trifles, those you can eat…”
“Oh, um great. I mean, oh great. Perhaps we could get some trifles instead? I know I’m hungry after watching you do all that hard work.”
“Fluttershy, stop being so naïve. There’s no time for trifles. I need to focus on one big fruitcake.”
“Fruitcake is good, too. Please, Pinkie, let’s get fruitcake.”
“I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY BROTHER! My brother is a fruitcake.”
“But,” said Fluttershy, who was subconsciously pushing for first place in the stick-your-hoof-in-it-as-far-as-it’ll-go championship, “he’s a pony.”
“He’s a fruitcake if I say he is!” One cardboard box was shoved under the bed. The offending hoof then scooped up a molehill of items and took them over to the round table. “Come on, Flutters, this is serious.”
“But… so am I.” Fluttershy’s wings fell by her sides. She looked at Pinkamena’s bedside table, and saw something – presumably something Pinkamena’s scoop had missed – next to the untouched glass of chocolate milk.
“Pinkie, when did you make this?” said Fluttershy, flying over to it. She landed by its side, and picked up what looked like something made by the party pony herself.
It was a small rock. At first glance, a very unremarkable chunk of rock. At a second glance, if you twisted your eyes and squinted a little bit, it might, in the right light, look a little like a pony’s head, but only if the pony in question had a lopsided eye, a mouth longer on one side than the other, and a very knobbly mane.
“Don’t touch that!” Pinkamena snatched it off her. “It’s a gift. It’s very important to me.”
With painstaking reverence, the box was pulled out, and the stone was placed very carefully inside it. A gentle shove returned the box to its place under the bed.
“And don’t look at me like that, silly! This is far more important than even cake. The fate of Ponyville rests in our hooves, gentlecolts,” said the mock-general to the stuffed animals, “and we cannot be lax about our duty.”
“Ooh, shall we sing a song about it?”
“No singing! No dancing!” A googly stick was snatched up from the molehill of items and was rapped smartly on the table. Fluttershy shot back to her original seat and kept still, hoping not to get noticed. It didn't work. “Any suggestions? You, law and artillery officer.”
“M-me?”
“Yes, you. The one I’m pointing at. How do you propose we stop this invasion? You are reading that law book I gave you, aren’t you?”
“Invasion? But why would your brother want to take over Ponyville?”
“Because he can.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Look, Fluttershy,” said Pinkamena, who seemed to be enjoying bipedalism so much that she was walking over to the law and artillery officer with both hooves behind her back. Gummy let go of her hair and bounced on the floor like a squeaky toy. “I’ll put this as delicately as I can: he’s a raving self-centred show-off and a compulsive liar. There will be no parties until his unwelcome croup is flying at sixty knots over the horizon. If he becomes Mayor, that will be a horrible day, for all of us. No parties.” Pinkamena stopped right in front of the chair – or rather, at the back of the chair, as her target had just ducked behind it.
What little of Fluttershy that could be seen over the backrest blanched; Pinkie Pie, turning down a party?
“H-horrible?”
“Like this,” Pinkamena said, and nearly head-butted her. “ ‘You will work HARDER! Can you imagine how pleased mother and father would be if we did double the quota? Or how even more impressed they would be if you did triple? Quadruple? And you being such weak and helpless ponies, too! It would be an incredible story! The three fillies, outperforming the entire neighbourhood! Our parents would be so proud. Pull more carts! Carry more rocks! Work longer! Later! Through rain and storm! Through hail and mist! Through summer heat and winter chill! Forget everything else! What else but a weak foal would do less than they could? You failed? You failed! You are all pathetic! How can you realise your potential if you don’t work? How will you earn your cutie marks now? You are a lazy, good-for-nothing, ungrateful, whining, self-hating pony! And you, you are even worse! You are a bad pony! And do you know what happens to bad ponies? Do you?’ ”
Fluttershy fell over, quivering. Her glasses fell off.
“Wh-wh-what h-h-hap-p-p-pens to b-b-b-bad p-p-p-ponies?”
Pinkamena blinked at her. “What in Equestria are you talking about?”
She turned back to the “board.”
“If Humble becomes Mayor of Ponyville, he’ll think that what we save ourselves up to do for one day at the Tournament should be done every day! Gentlecolts, I propose that if the enemy wishes to ignore Queen’s filly rules, then we shall ignore Queen’s filly rules too. I propose that it is time we entered the pony’s den.” Pinkamena seized a post-it note and a pencil. “And I think I know just what to do.” And she began scribbling, biting her tongue in concentration.
“Well… OK… I’ll leave you alone for a while then, shall I?” Fluttershy said.
No reaction.
“OK, then?”
No reaction.
“I’m going out the door now.”
No reaction.
“Bye bye then.”
No reaction.
“I’ll, uh, eat up all your candy?”
No reaction. This one was particularly frightening.
“Well, uh,” said Fluttershy, her ears drooping and her mouth twitching. “I’m going to, you know, I’ll just…”
“All done! Let’s go!” Pinkamena seized Fluttershy by the wings and dragged her out of the door.
Remember, Fluttershy, thought the pony whose rear end was bouncing on the steps as she was dragged down, this is all for a good cause. This is all for a good cause.
You don’t want to be a bad pony, do you?
Fluttershy closed her eyes, and trembled with the effort.
“Pinkie Pie, you’re my last hope, my last hope,” said the Mayor to herself, approaching Sugar Cube Corner. She was twitching and gasping with horror at what she’d just seen.
She saw the sign. There was a post-it hastily slapped onto it, with icing all over it. The Mayor quickly read it.
“Found some time off from challenge to go and do a little prying, but just to make sure, I’ve left an ‘out to lunch’ sign hanging. Signed, Pink.”
The Mayor raised the post-it, but the sign merely announced in painted black letters “Pinkie Pie’s Challenge here.” She looked behind it, and found another post-it stuck to the other side. She peeled it off and read it.
“Found some time off from challenge to go and get some lunch, but just to make sure, I’ve left an ‘out prying’ sign hanging. Signed, Pink.”
There was another post-it that fell off the back of this one. The Mayor read this one too.
“P.S. Fluttershy is with me. I hope you don’t mind. Out prying. Signed, Pink.”
She looked at the back of the first post-it, just in case.
“P.S. Out to lunch.”
The Mayor’s eye twitched violently for several moments.
Then she screamed at the top of her lungs. “PINKIE PIE! WHERE IS PINKIE PIIIIIIIEEEE?”
The room was ascetic, resembling a shed with an iron bedstead in the far corner, a dull square window next to the door, and an oval mirror hanging on the opposite wall. When Roadside Stables claimed to canter for every pony’s needs, they really cantered. Sometimes to the other side of Equestria, if their clients shouted loudly enough.
There was some clopping from along the corridor, which stopped short as they reached their loudest.
“Pinkie? Are you sure this is a good idea?” said Fluttershy, as Pinkamena nudged the wooden door open.
“Nothing my brother does is ever a good idea,” said Pinkamena matter-of-factly, as she trotted over to the bare corner. “That’s why I need to make sure he doesn’t ruin any pony’s day.”
Fluttershy gave the room a scan while the Pie pony was at work. Pleasant though the timber was, she couldn’t help but feel somewhat cowed by the lack of ornamentation. She passed on her thoughts to see how Pinkamena would respond, but her friend merely grunted, and a very un-Pinkie-ish grunt it was, too. Fluttershy fell silent after that.
A floorboard was peeled back. Beneath it sat a rolled up parchment.
“How…” said Fluttershy, as the parchment was picked up, “how did you know something would be there?”
“Third floorboard from the right. He always did it at home. Now,” said Pinkamena, waving a hoof airily above the ribbon. “Let’s see what he needed to hide that was so important.” She tore off the ribbon and rolled open the parchment. Fluttershy blinked and tried to read over her wither.
After a while, Pinkamena’s eyes widened with each line she read, and her mouth fell open. A gasp rushed into her lungs. Her hooves began to tremble. A weird twitch emerged in her eyelid as she contorted her face in horrified disbelief.
“Pinkie! What’s wrong?”
“I… I… I can’t read a word of this ! It’s all in fancy pants talk! All the words are too long!”
“Let me see.” Fluttershy plucked it from her grasp and read over it herself. She gasped. “Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my. The others must see this.”
“What is it?”
“It’s an old law he was hiding. He’s been cheating all along. It means that we can stop him from taking the town,” Fluttershy said.
“MY GOODNESS!” Pinkamena shrieked, frightening Fluttershy so much she froze up. “Then the others really do have to see this! Come on, we’ve got everything we need,” she said, giving Fluttershy a push for the exit, “so let’s go.”
“B-b-but, Pinkie…”
“I said, let’s go .” Fluttershy, still locked up in nervousness, was pushed, with much groaning and heaving, towards the door. “You’re… holding… us… back .”
But as they passed the oval mirror, Fluttershy closed her eyes furiously. She unfroze, took a step sideways, and breathed in heavily.
“I’m so sorry,” said Fluttershy, and with a squirm, she seized Pinkamena’s head, ignoring her cries, and positioned her in front of the mirror. The pink pony glared inside.
“Take a good long look, Pinkie Pie,” said Fluttershy. “This isn’t the face of the little pink pony I used to call my friend. Tell me what happened, Pinkie? What happened to that little pink pony? What happened to the little pony who loved throwing parties, who thought laughter was the best cure for everything, who would never let a dark cloud come over those she loved and cared about, whose mission in life was to make every pony happy regardless of whatever she or her friends faced?”
Pinkamena’s hair was a pink cascade around her eyes. She felt her mouth open slightly at the sight.
“Now look at you. The only smiles on that face now are sneers and self-satisfied smirks when you beat other ponies. You’re miserable, and you make others miserable too.” Fluttershy willed the choke out of her voice. “This isn’t about the Tournament or the challenge anymore. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like this new Pinkie. I want the old Pinkie back, the one who I first met in the Sugar Cube Corner bakery, who was there to laugh the fear away when we were in the Everfree Forest, when all of us were together for the first time. Whether we beat your brother…” she said, catching her throat with a hoof, “or whether he wins, I at least want my old friend Pinkie Pie to be there with us when it happens.”
Poor Fluttershy’s entire body drooped as she let go and hovered. Then she drifted hopelessly towards the door.
Pinkamena listened, and then stared.
She hadn’t seen herself like that for so long. Her father had disapproved of mirrors for most of his life until her mother persuaded him to purchase one. She took a long, hard look. She barely noticed Fluttershy, who had paused at the entrance when she realised her friend wasn’t right behind her.
She took a step closer towards her reflection.
“P-Pinkie?” said a voice next to her. “I’m sorry, it’s just that you said I was holding you back, and I thought that meant –”
“D… did I say that?” she said.
“Well, yes… yes, you did…”
Pinkamena’s eyes began to quiver.
“I didn’t want to be Pinkamena,” she said. “I never wanted to be Pinkamena. I wanted to be Pinkie, even when I didn’t know Pinkie was real and the rainbow was all I needed to let her come out. But what other pony could do it?”
Then, she looked to the side of the mirror, and noticed something wedged into the frame - the only ornamentation in this room. She lifted up the falling corner with one hoof and pressed it up against the glass so that it didn’t fall again, and put her foreleg back so that she could see.
It was a crayon drawing; one of her old drawings. There were six ponies in it; an old grey mare and an even older-looking brown stallion, a blue-green colt, and three smaller foals, nearly identical except for their colours. The pink one in the middle had a puffy mane. There were three signatures in the corner – she recognised her sister’s mouthwriting, and all three names.
She remembered: they’d sent this to her brother, after their first party. To make him feel happy, she’d said. Her parents had refused to sign it, for who sends messages to a pony that's been "shunned"? She flipped it over.
“Helo Hmble. Veri hapi on the farm. Hpe yor hapi to. We mis yu.”
She put a hoof to her mouth, and looked at the three foals.
“No, don’t cry,” Pinkamena found herself saying to the mirror. “You’re supposed to be happy. Remember the rainbow? Remember the warm fuzzy glow?” She reared up and placed both hooves onto the mirror frame. “Remember your first ever party?”
“Are you OK?” said a voice behind her. With a thrill, Pinkamena recognised it as Fluttershy’s.
“Super-duper,” she said, with increased confidence. “Okey-dokey tastic. I don’t have to be like this. I don’t have to be Pinkamena anymore. She can go get some well-earned rest after all her hard work. Ol’ Pinkie Pie has everything in good hooves!”
A screaming sob broke through the silence. Behind her in the mirror, Pinkamena saw three blobs rising past the window. Three balloons rose out of sight as she turned, pushed open the window and peered out.
On the ground below, an orange coloured foal was bawling at the top of her lungs, while a much larger orange coloured stallion tried to comfort her.
Pinkamena gaped up at the sunny sky as Fluttershy poked her head beside her to see.
“Oh no!” Pinkamena said, as Fluttershy put a hoof to her mouth. “That poor filly’s lost her balloons, and now they’re running away upwards!” She smacked a hoof into her other hoof. “Well, not on MY watch!”
The bawling little youngster was reaching the peak of her screaming when she suddenly fell silent. To her surprise, a shadow was floating down towards them. Her father blinked in surprise, too.
Pinkie Pie landed on her back hooves, three strings clutched between her forelegs. With a smile, she held out the three balloons to the little filly, who beamed and took them, cuddling the strings. Her father smiled down at her.
“Thank you so much,” he said, shaking Pinkie’s hoof. “You’ve really put a smile on her face. I can’t thank you enough.”
“Oh no, I didn’t put it there. It just came out all by itself. But you’re welcome!”
The filly giggled in acknowledgment, and Pinkie and the filly waved after each other as her father smiled more broadly and walked her towards a kiosk for some candy. Fluttershy glided down to her.
“How…” she said, “how… how did you do that? You couldn’t possibly have jumped that high.”
“Oh come on!” Pinkie Pie gave her a nudge and a wink. “You should know who I am by now, Fluttershy.”
And Pinkie hopped all over the road and around Fluttershy and burst out in spontaneous song:
“My friends are waiting for me, My friends won’t let me down, Meeting Humble was quite stormy, And he gave me such a frown.
But when I see my friends today, I’ll give them such a laugh, ‘Cos Pie times friends plus time to play, Makes fun in Pinkie Math!
Remember yesterday’s party, When we all had so much fun, And though we had that nasty storm, Just look, here comes the sun!
Rarity was a singer, And Twilight did her tricks, Applejack was an apple zinger, Rainbow Dash had kicks!
Fluttershy, you had moments, When you were dancing well, And Pinkie Pie, she tried to fly, And wasn’t that filly swell?
So raise your chin, little Pinkie, There’s nothing can go wrong, ‘Cos though your brother is a-stick-in-the-mud, Your friendship makes you strong!
Laughter! You’ve got to have some Laughter! Cos it’ll win you BAFTAs! So sing up to the Rafters! For happily ever Afters! You’ve got to have some Singing, smiling Laughteeeeeeeeeeeeer!”
“You’re back? I mean, you’re not grumpy anymore?”
To her surprise, Fluttershy found her ears being seized and her head pulled forwards.
“Does THIS answer your question?” Pinkie said.
Pinkie’s face lunged down and delivered what was probably the biggest, soppiest, and wettest kiss she’d ever bestowed on anypony. When she stretched her lips off, it nearly suckered Fluttershy’s snout with it.
She let go of Fluttershy’s ears. Fluttershy stumbled backwards and forwards in shock. She mumbled something incoherent, leaned over to one side, and with a stunned thump fell over.
“Aaaaaaaallllllllllrighty, then, I’m coming home!” Pinkie stood up tall, while the heavens sung down upon her in a celestial choir. “Let’s. Get. This! Party! STAAAARTEEED!”
She zoomed over the horizon, taking the three hills so speedily their roads briefly detached themselves like ribbons as she passed. The yellow pegasus stood up, knees still feeling weak, and shook herself off.
“Pinkie, wait for me!” Fluttershy lifted off and flew after her.
“Ow!” hissed Twilight, clutching her horn.
“Well, I’m sorry, Twilight,” said Rarity, “But how do you expect me to dress it if you keep sticking your hooves in the way?”
“Rarity, when I said I wanted it dressed, I meant with bandages , not with a tiara and a horn-warmer!”
“The horn-warmer will act just as well as a bandage until the nurse gets here,” said Rarity.
“And the tiara?”
“It offsets the orange wool, darling! Do you really want to trot around looking like a snowcone just dropped onto your head?”
“You think you’ve got a problem?” said Dash, still in her wheelchair. “Look.”
She pointed out, over the assembled and chattering heads of the town square, the two figures moving towards each other upon the stage. When they both stood on the elevated platform in the middle, as if in preparation for a duel, the Mayor quivered as she and Humble Pie stopped, and she heard him breathe in extravagantly. There was a hush from the crowd, as though at a funeral service. Some ponies had black hoods up and were holding mournful chrysanthemums or crying into handkerchiefs.
“Victory,” Humble said. “It has such a pungent smell.” He extended a hoof towards the Mayor. “I’ve come to collect my winnings. Now, the Seal of Mayoralty, if you please?”
The Mayor cradled it in her forelegs and fought back tears as she looked away, offering it to him. Humble reached for it, but paused and scanned the crowd briefly.
“Oh, Pinkamena,” he whispered to himself. “If only you could see me now.”
“I CAN SEE YOU WELL ENOUGH FROM HERE!”
The crowd looked up. High, high overhead, Pinkie Pie was hanging suspended from the careful hooves of a sky-diving Fluttershy.
“Pinkie Pie!” Fluttershy shouted over the turbulence. “Remind me how you talked me into this?”
“Because I Pinkie dared you, silly. And who dares, WINS! Now, full throttle!”
Fluttershy squealed in fright and picked up speed.
At the last second, Fluttershy let go and swooped upward, leaving Pinkie freefalling towards the crowd. As she zoomed closer, some could see her protective goggles and her thick green backpack. Rainbow Dash’s jaw hit the ground.
The whistling sound became louder. Some of the crowd members below stepped aside hastily, leaving only her growing shadow on the path. Up high, Pinkie Pie reached across for the green ring and yanked it hard with her hoof.
The pavement cracked with the force of the impact. Several ponies winced – one pony with a lily in her hair groaned and fell in a dead faint.
The parachute opened. It took a little while for it to settle down.
Pinkie leaped up from the crowd and balanced herself on top of the fountain statue. Then, with a flip she brought forwards the parchment and let it unroll before them all.
“Look what we found, Mr Humble-Bumble,” she said.
Humble cocked his head in confusion.
The Mayor lowered her forelegs as Pinkie leaped onto the stage and switched the parchments in her hooves.
“Read it,” muttered Pinkie Pie as an aside. “Trust me, it’s a doozy.” She zipped out of the way. The Mayor, somewhat confused, peered closely at the parchment. Humble gaped as he suddenly realised what was about to happen, and Pinkie zipped up close to his ear.
“And if you’re a good pony,” she whispered, “I won’t tell anypony where I found it. Pinkie Pie Promise.”
The Mayor’s eyes were even wider than the crowd’s.
“This is an old legal document. ‘By order of her royal highness, Princess Celestia,’ ” she read aloud, translating slightly for the less legally-gifted ponies, “ ‘All Mayors of any particular province must be appointed by the majority of the population giving the democratic vote. They can only, however, be appointed by the ponies of their particular province, and cannot be elected into office by ponies whose residence lies outside the province of the Mayoralty. Furthermore, a Mayor cannot hold their office for two or more consecutive terms, nor can they run for any further positions while they are the Mayor of one province, in either case without special appointment by Her Majesty The Princess of Equestria. Signed, Princess Celestia!’ ”
The Mayor gave a whoop, and every face in the crowd was beaming. Applejack stood upright over the sea of ponies.
“Which means that phony pony on that there stage ain’t got no wager to make.”
“That’s not true!” Humble retorted, as Pinkie zipped aside. “I have won a mountain of items to wager over the course of the Tournament!”
He pointed down the road, where a large pile of things stood quivering under their own weight. The apple cart was sitting on top of the pile. As they stared at it, the wooden construction... deconstructed itself. Evidently, Humble had been practising his bucks on it.
“But you can’t wager that after you set the challenge,” Rainbow Dash shouted, coming forwards next to Applejack in her wheelchair. “You had to do it before, so you’ve got nothing, pal.”
“And that means,” said Twilight, moving forwards to join her, “that you don’t fulfil the rulebook’s criteria. Your challenge is nullified.”
“Pinkie!” Rarity joined in. “You are a genius!”
The crowd began chanting Pinkie’s name to heartfelt applause. Pinkie beamed down at them, and from nowhere began chanting her own name along with them, bouncing around the stage. Humble watched her open-mouthed, while below him the Mayor hugged her own Seal. She gave him a dirty glare.
“So I’ll be keeping this, if you don’t mind,” the Mayor said, walking away from him and towards Pinkie. He gritted his teeth.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD IT!”
The cheering stopped, except with Pinkie Pie, who kept bouncing around the stage chanting her own name. Humble seized her as she passed and made her stand still.
“You’ve forgotten one thing,” he said. “My challenge may be down, but that just reduces me to the status of another competitor. And that means one of you ponies, one of you challengers,” he spat, aiming a snarl at the four ponies in the crowd, “will have to face off with me in the final. And I don’t think you’re in any condition to do that.”
“Actually,” said the Mayor. “There is one challenger you haven’t beaten yet.”
Humble’s eyes widened. He picked up a nearby chart and ran a hoof along its list of names.
“Nonsense,” he said. “I went through the entire list, in all three Divisions.”
“That’s because you haven’t received the updated list,” said the Mayor, handing him a new chart. “A new challenge was added at the last minute. And the challenger hasn’t been beaten by any pony who’s stood up to her.”
“Who is this?” Humble rushed down the list of names to the last one. His jaw sagged.
“YOU?” he said as Pinkie Pie, who had tried hopping around the stage again, landed in front of him. “You set up a challenge?”
“Yyyyyyyyyyyep,” said Pinkie cheerfully.
“And you haven’t been beaten yet?”
“Yyyyyyyyyyyep!”
“And now you’re going… to be competing against… ME?”
“Yyyyyyyyyyyou betcha.”
Humble Pie looked like he’d been stunned by a falling anvil. Then he reached forwards and crushed her in an incredible hug.
“Oh, but this is wonderful! This is precisely what I wanted!” He let her go. She seemed completely unruffled, despite the deep grooves where his legs had squeezed her. “Finally, a one-on-one battle between the two eldest Pies. A chance to show all of Equestria just what we are made of! A chance to decide, once and for all, WHO IS THE BEST PONY!”
Pinkie popped back into her usual shape.
“Won’t this be fun?” she said.
His thunderous stomp was heard as far away as the Canterlot towers, where Princess Luna looked up from her tome and out the window.
The crowd covered their heads and fell silent. Humble’s chiselled face leaned in close to Pinkie’s childlike eyes.
“I accept your challenge. But be warned, little Pinkamena; I wish to make it perfectly clear that this time, I am not fooling around.” Humble extended a hoof.
“Shouldn’t it be foaling around?” Pinkie Pie stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry. Then she accepted his hoof.
“Game on,” they both said. They shook.
“Ladies and Gentlecolts,” shouted the Mayor over their heads, “I hereby announce the final for the Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament!”
There was a stupendous cheer. Humble and Pinkie gave each other large grins. It was amazing how much contrast they could put into the same expression.
To be continued...