If You Weren't Perfect I'd Smack You
“What do you two say?”
“Thank you, Mrs. Bonbon.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Bonbon!”
Two foals, still young enough to be blank flanks, bolted away. Each held a big bag of candy in their mouths, a bag which would be no doubt empty by the end of the day.
“No running!” the foals’ father said, giving the two a stern glare.
The children, of course, ignored him. The filly attempted to skid to a stop as she drew close to the door, only for her to slip. Her brother, running behind her as fast as his little hooves could take him, slammed into her flank. Both of them tumbled, still somehow holding onto their treats, before they hit the door with a sharp thud.
The father let out a sigh, giving Bonbon an apologetic look as he made his way over to them. Both were pulled to their hooves, hushed chiding carry across the candy store as the stallion lead them through the door. A bell jungled as the door was closed, and no matter how hard she tried Bonbon couldn’t help but smile.
Many in Ponyville thought of her as a grump, and that might have even been true, but she had a soft spot for the kids. There was just something when she saw their eyes light up when she offered them some candy that made this whole job worthwhile. It made this gig hooves and heads better than monster hunting, that was for sure.
Still smiling, she pulled off her apron, setting it onto the counter. It had been another busy day; the foals were off for school, and Hearth’s Warming was coming up, and it would no doubt only get busier in the coming weeks. If things kept up like this she might have to actually hire some help.
The thought put a pip in the earth pony’s step as she walked around the counter. The front door was locked, and the store was clean and swept in short order. Next, she checked her inventory, making sure to write down what she’d need to get at the market tomorrow before she opened. It was only then did she let out a sigh. Her work for the day was officially done. She was a free mare that could do whatever the heck she wanted.
Maybe her and Lyra could go out to dinner tonight? They had been eating leftovers for two days, and there was supposed to be a new dish at Sugarcube Corner that was to die for.
Bonbon stood there in the center of her store, smile on her face, picturing a happy, peaceful, content little scene. The two of them sitting at a nice table lit by candles, doing nothing but enjoying the food and each other’s company. For a few precious moments, it seemed as if the day were going to end perfectly. Then the music started.
It was loud, impossible to ignore. Some trashy love song that was popular when she was a blank flank. Bonbon’s smile disappeared as her serenity was shattered into a billion pieces.
“BONBON!”
Bonbon looked toward the door, then turned away. She wanted to just ignore him, go upstairs, shower, and enjoy her evening as best as she could, but she knew the cold shoulder wouldn’t work. He’d be out there screaming her name until she opened in the morning.
The earth pony’s ears folded against her skull, and she thought about the grappling hook she had hidden under her bed. She was a pretty good shot with the thing, and she knew the capsule that propelled the hook had enough force in it to knock somepony senseless if she were to, say, aim it at the chest or head.
Again she sighed, shoulders slumped. “Alright. Let’s get this over with…”
She made her way back toward her door, opening it and poking her head outside. Sure enough, there he was, the biggest pain in her flank this side of Manehattan: the resident hyoo-man. He had an overly large boombox over his head, blasting his trashy tunes. Ponies walked around him, unfazed by the display. This wasn’t the first time he had done this, and unfortunately it wouldn’t be the last.
“Bonbon, you sexy goddess of a horse. I see you!” The human shouted as soon as her head was visible.
Bonbon frowned at him, brow furrowed. “Turn that music off and go home!”
“I can’t, you breath-taking beauty.” The hyoo-man replied, voice barely audible over the music. “The day isn’t complete without me worshiping the very ground you walk on! I also really need that date we keep talking about!”
“Not interested!”
“Come on, just one date. We can go anywhere you like! It’ll be fun!”
“No!”
Bonbon gave him a look that could curdle milk before turning her attention to the pony standing to his left. It was Lyra, the love of her life, looking like she was about to walk over and boop her nose because she was turning down the hyoo-man’s advances.
“Come on, Bonners, you perfect mare. Give the big guy a chance,” Lyra said. “He’s a nice stallion. He really likes hooves too.”
“I love hooves,” the hyoo-man said.
“I’m pretty sure he’ll put out on the first date too. Just saying.”
“Let me worship the masterpiece that is your body, Bonbon!”
“No,” Bonbon said. “Lyra, get your butt in here. We’re going out for dinner.”
“Don’t change the subject, filly. This hyoo-man is ripe for the picking. Get your lovely fanny over here and make an honest stallion out of him!”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why? What, are you gay?”
“Yes. With you. My wife.”
Lyra snorted, waving her words away with a hoof. “Coward! You know, there are starving, loveless zebras in the Southlands that would love their own hyoo-man!”
“Do you two have to do this every day? Every single day?” Bonbon demanded. “Do either of you have any shame?”
“Nope,” Lyra replied without missing a beat.
“There’s no shame in trying to woo the most beautiful mare in Equestria,” the hyoo-man said. “I’ll do anything to make you mine.”
“He means anything, Bonners.”
“Absolutely anything.”
“Like, you could make him wear socks in public!”
“I do that already so yeah, you definitely could.”
“He’d let you slap ‘em around too I bet.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Maybe you could even stuff something up his butt.”
“I’m not a hundred percent down for that but I won’t give you a hard no.”
A mare walking by the trio let out a scoff, rolling her eyes. A few stallions chuckled good-naturedly. A group of foals trotted toward them, only to be quickly round up and led away by Cheerilee, who was giving them all a dirty look.
Bonbon said nothing. In her opinion, there was nothing more than needed to be said in this ridiclious, stupid, dumb situation. So she just glared at the two, hoping that, by some miracle, they’d get the hint.
Lyra, the most beautiful creature that the earth pony knew, huffed. “Alrighty. I didn’t want to have to do this, but it looks like I don’t have any choice.”
Her horn glowed. The hyoo-mans shirt was torn off and tossed away in a heap as he lifted the boombox high above his head. Bonbon watched as he took a deep breath and fell onto his knees. Lyra summoned the flower water pail that they used for their garden. Tongue sticking out in concentration, she lifted it over the stallion’s head, pouring water down onto him.
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN--”
With a hop, Bonbon closed the distance between them and herself. She leapt up and kicked the water pail out of the air, nearly braining some poor mare just walking by. Landing back onto her hooves and spun around, smacking the hyoo-man in the stomach. It wasn’t enough to hurt him--hyoo-mans seemed to be made out of rocks their bodies were so dense--but it was hard enough to startle him, shutting him up. Then, with a flick of her tail, she pushed the eject button on the boombox, causing the cassette to fall to the ground.
This all happened in less than two seconds. Bonbon had moved so quickly and efficiently that neither the hyoo-man or her wife could react. It took several seconds after earth pony had settled herself for their brains to even process what happened.
“That was… AWESOME, hon!” Lyra said, a grin exploding across her face. “I--”
“Shut your sweet, perfect mouth before I smack it,” Bonbon barked.
The hyoo-man tried to reach for his cassette--which was labeled “Lovin’ Funky Tunes”--only for the earth pony to kick it away. He made a face, reaching into his pocket and producing another cassette. Its title read “Lovin’ Funky Tunes 2: Electric Boogaloo”.
“I swear to Celestia if you put that in I’m kicking you,” Bonbon threatened, poking his chest. “Get your butt up and go home.”
She whipped around to her wife.
“You!”
“Me!”
“What are you--SHUT IT! Get your butt in the house and get ready. You’re taking me out to dinner, afterwards you’re gonna help me clean the melted sugar out of the copper pots.”
Lyra reeled back as if struck. “Aw, come on, Bonnie! You know I hate that!”
“That’s what you get,” Bonbon said, pointing toward the door. “Now get your fanny in there!”
“But--”
“Butts are for sitting. You’ll be doing that a lot on the couch that you’ll be sleeping on for the next month!”
The unicorn made a face as the hyoo-man slowly lowered his boombox in defeat. She looked over at him, and, seeing sadness slowly well up in his eyes, gave his cheek a nuzzle. The hyoo-man barely reacted, shoulders slumping. When he sniffled she wrapped a hoof around his shoulders, pulling him towards her.
Bonbon made a face. “You…” Snorting, she looked away. “Hyoo-man. I’m going to be needing some help in the shop very soon.”
The hyoo-man looked up at her. There were tears forming in the corners of his eyes.
“I would use somepony like you, that’s really tall and will let me pay them minimum wage without a fuss. If you don’t want that job that--”
“I’ll take it,” he said, perking up.
“Good. I’ll let you know when you start next week. You bring that boombox with you you’re gonna get it.” Bonbon said, gesturing for Lyra--who was now smiling from ear-to-ear-- to follow her as she began walking back inside of the shop.
In a flash, the unicorn was side-by-side with her.
“You’re a big ol’ softie if I’ve ever seen one,” she said, kissing her cheek.
A smile came to Bonbon’s face, though she tried her hardest to beat it down.” Yeah, well, I don’t like seeing a stallion cry, no matter how irritating. I’m also going to pay him as little as possible. I promise you that.”
Lyra just giggled. “Sooooooooftie.”
“Get your cute little butt in there before I kick it up and down this street.”
