No One Is Really Happy About The Whole Thing To Be Honest...
Author's Note
This is just an idea I wrote out a few months ago. It was supposed to be for a larger story, but that really didn't pan out. This seemed like a good one-shot however, so I decided to post it.
No One Is Really Happy About The Whole Thing To Be Honest...
This was the end.
Chrysalis had done all that she could. She had never stayed in one place for more than a few days. She used every art of trickery and deception—both magical and not—at her disposal. For months she had successfully hid herself in the shadows, away from her traitorous ilk, away from those accursed Equestrians, only for a simple mistake to be her undoing.
A foal in Manehattan had seen her transforming whilst she was making her way through the city’s back alleys to the apartment that she had commandeered. All it had taken was that foal telling their mother and half of the city’s police force had been outside her doors within the hour.
The thought to go down swinging had crossed the queen’s mind. Take as many down as she could, not be taken captive, give those ponies one last bloody nose before the Thousand-Faced God welcomed her into its halls. The idea had been discarded the moment she thought it however.
She was a queen. Her clothing might have been ripped, dirty, and tattered, she might have been hungry and bruised, but she was a queen. She was not some cornered animal, growling and clawing like a beast. If she were to find her end she would face it with the dignity that befit her position and status.
She surrendered to the guard without a fuss, shipped back to Canterlot with a very large armed escort. She had half-expected to simply be sent to the dungeons to rot. She didn't find a cell waiting for her, to her surprise. In fact, the second that she had stepped hoof in Canterlot, she had been brought into a cramped, plain room with no windows and only one door, face-to-face with Equestria’s royalty.
Each of the alicorns were sitting across from her. None of them carried weapons as far as Chrysalis could see, but nevertheless the Changeling could taste the loathing and the desire to do her harm in the air. All of them looked tense, all of them looked like they were attempting to burn holes into her with their eyes. Empress Cadence in particular looked like she was ready to leap over the table and take a swing at her. Even Celestia, known all over the world for her serenity and tact, looked at her in contempt.
Chrysalis simply sat there, legs crossed and her head held high, nothing less than a queen staring down those lessers. “I suppose that I’m here to be judged,” she said, leaning back into her chair.
“You are,” Cadence answered. “You dirty harlot.”
“For your crimes against Equestria and her people you do deserve punishment, Changeling,” Luna added. “Were it up to me that punishment would involve a wooden block and a very large, dull axe.”
The Changeling queen narrowed her eyes. “Send me to the headsmen then,” she said. “I will not cower and beg like some cur. You blasted ponies have taken much from me, but I promise you that you will not have that.”
“No. Despite what you’ve done you deserve the right of law,” Celestia said, placing a hand on her fuming niece's shoulder. “We will not execute you without due process. We are not tyrants or monsters.”
“Just weaklings then,” Chrysalis said, ignoring Cadence’s growl. “So, I am to be brought before a judge then?”
“Yes,” Celestia said, nodding. “Though it’s taken much doing, I believe that we’ve found someone that will help us in our deliberation. He is no Equestrian, nor is he someone that you can use your tricks on.”
“Is that so?” Chrysalis answered with a sneer. “And who is this judge? A minotaur? Perhaps one of those hippogriffs that you’ve allied yourself with? Maybe you’ve sent for one of my ilk?”
Cadence’s scowl turned into a smile. It was not a warm or pleasant smile. In fact, the queen found herself becoming uncomfortable at the sight of it.
“Nope,” the pink mare said, crossing her arms across her chest as she leaned back.
There was a knock at the door. Both Celestia and Luna looked toward it. Cadence and Chrysalis ignored the sound, staring each other down. The doorknob clicked, the door squeaking open. Twilight Sparkle—Chrysalis’s third most hated adversary—poked her head into the room.
“Princess Celestia? Are you ready for us?” she asked.
Celestia smiled. “Yes, Twilight. Please bring our guest in.”
Twilight nodded, disappearing back into the hallway. There was a pause, some muffled words that Chrysalis couldn't make out, before the door was pushed open. Standing on the other side of it was that purple menace and Shining Armor, along with a creature that the queen had never before seen.
It looked close enough to a pony, though there were some key differences. The creature’s face was oddly flat, and it looked like it had no fur whatsoever. Its ears were oddly shaped—smaller, rounder—and the smile on its face revealed small but noticeable canines. Its hooves were also freakishly shaped, jutting out oddly as if they were some sort of mutated hands.
What really set the creature apart from everypony else however was something much more disconcerting.
She couldn’t sense any emotion coming from him. Nothing, not anger or wonder or fear. It was as if it wasn’t even there.
“Oh, hey guys,” the creature—obviously male from its tone of voice— said. “Are you—” He stopped, brow furrowing as he looked around the room. “…Wait, I thought we were going to a big room filled with pies and ponies.”
He turned toward Twilight Sparkle.
“Twi, you told me that I was coming to Canterlot’s annual pie festival. I do not see any pies. I also don’t see a festival.”
“That’s because there isn’t a pie festival, Anon,” Twilight replied. ”I lied.”
“Whatcha mean you lied?!”
“I mean, I told you a lie to get you to come to Canterlot.”
The creature frowned. “That’s a real shitty thing to do to a friend, Mrs. Princess of Friendship,” he said, jabbing a finger at her.
“Oh, it’s not that bad you baby.”
“How can you look me in the eye and lie to me, Twilight? Why tempt me with pie and take it away like this?”
“You wouldn’t have come otherwise.”
“Of course I wouldn’t have come otherwise. I can’t stand this city.”
“Well, we needed you to come up here,” Twilight said with a huff. “It’s very important.”
“Important? I spent twenty bits on a bib for this pie thing, Twilight. I had Rarity embroider it and everything. What the hell am I gonna do with it now, you big, lying nerd?”
“Is this supposed to be some sort of joke?” Chrysalis said, looking toward Celestia. “Shall I laugh, princess?”
Celestia cleared her throat. “Twilight, please.”
Twilight’s head snapped toward the mare. “Sorry, princess,” she said, ears folding against her skull.
Celestia gestured toward the creature. “Chrysalis, this is Anonymous the human. He will be your impartial judge. As you can clearly see he’s no Equestrian. He was not anywhere near the country during your invasion so he has no strong feelings about it.”
“For reasons that we cannot yet discern, not only can he not use magic but it does not appear to have any effect on him.” Luna said, her horn glowing. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
Anon’s head snapped toward the mare. “Princess, don’t you—"
A missile of pure arcane power flew just over Chrysalis’s shoulder, faster than any arrow. It hit the human right between the eyes. The Changeling tensed, expecting his head to blow clean off his shoulders, or at the very least sending him crashing through the door.
The bolt connected against Anon’s flesh. There was no boom, no scream, no pop or spray of gore. The bolt was there and then it wasn’t. It didn’t even look like it had left a mark.
Anon blinked. He reached up to touch his forehead. “That. That right there is why I hate this fucking city,” he said, looking over at Twilight. “Every time I come here people want to shoot me.”
“Whatever foul magic that you have at your disposal will do you no good with this one, Changeling,” Luna continued.
“What stands before you is your best opportunity for a fair trial, Chrysalis,” Celestia said.
Chrysalis looked at the creature. The tip of her horn glowed, and with a thought she cast a spell. It wasn’t a dangerous one mind you—she doubted that the alicorn’s in the room would let her do anything naughty—she simply tried to touch him.
Her spell hit air. Frowning, she poured more magic into her horn, using enough to pick the male up if she so desired. Again, there was no feedback. The human didn’t even seem to notice, looking at Celestia.
“What sort of creature is he?” Chrysalis whispered.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Cadence still smiling.
“So, we’re just gonna ignore that I was just assaulted?” Anon asked, spreading out his hands. “And you keep talking about a trial, and me doing things. Who is that there? What am I actually doing here? Can someone actually tell me something. Please?”
“Of course, Anon,” Celestia said. Her horn glowed, and a chair appeared between her and Cadence. “I apologize for this. I thought Twilight would have told you why you were summoned here today.” She looked over at Twilight, who grumbled something under her breath. “Please, if you can give us a few moments of your time we need your help in a very important matter.”
Anon looked at everyone in the room. The human took a deep breath, puffing out his cheeks before exhaling. “I guess I wasn’t doing anything today,” he said, making his way around the table and sitting down. “So, what’s going on?”
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
The next hour or so was filled with discussion. Apparently, this human was not only ignorant of Chrysalis’s invasion of this blasted city, but Changelings in general.
The princesses explained everything to him in the greatest possible detail. Of everything that had happened during the pink buffoon’s wedding, her masterful subterfuge, a victory that was very nearly hers. They went into a Changeling’s biology as well. Their ability to shapeshift was recounted in great detail—far too great detail; no doubt the false king Thorax’s doing—as well as their need to ingest love. This creature, this Anon, said nothing as each of the alicorn’s spoke, hands in his lap and his eyes staring intently at each in turn.
Chrysalis barely heard any of what was said, staring at the human with a mixture of fascination and concern. She had tried all manner of spells on him. Any spell that she could think of, even those that, by rights, should have killed him. When none of it worked, she tried her hardest to sense any emotion out of him. She thought if she focused she'd be able to get something. Even plants and bugs, lower lifeforms that they were, gave off flickers of emotion.
There was nothing. It was as if she were looking at a living statue, or some otherworldly thing. No joy, no happiness, no fear, no hate. Nothing.
As a being that had spent all of her very long life reading another’s emotions as if they were a book, she didn’t know how to feel this.
Anon moved leaning back into his seat, making her twitch. He reached up, scratching his head. His blue eyes flicked over toward the Changeling queen.
“So, is it alright if I ask the, um, defendant some questions?” he asked.
“If you’d like,” Celestia said.
The human leaned forward. “Your highness, is it alright if I ask you some questions?” he asked.
His politeness surprised the queen, causing her to momentarily forget her concern about this creature. She found herself smiling, leaning forward as well.
“You may question my royal person,” she said.
“So, you need to ingest love to survive, right?”
“That is correct,” Chrysalis said with a nod.
“And you do this through physical contact?”
“Yes.”
Anon nodded, scratching his chin. “And to get this physical contact you transform into someone else?”
“I do,” Chrysalis said, looking over at Cadence with a grin. “I’m quite good at it.”
The alicorn huffed, giving her the finger.
The human’s brow furrowed. He wiggled back and forth in his seat, his face scrunching up. Chrysalis could nearly see the gears turning in his head.
“Why do you bother with changing though?” he asked.
Chrysalis blinked. “What sort of ridiculous question is that?” she said.
Anon stared hard at the queen. He then looked around the room as if trying to get confirmation from the alicorns for something. Chrysalis stared at the princesses to see that they were just as confused as she was.
The human stood up suddenly. Picking up his chair, he spun it around before sitting back down. “Look, I know I’m not the sharpest crayon in the crayon box, but you know that you’re stupid beautiful right?” he said.
Silence filled the room for several seconds as everycreature tried to process what he said. Cadence was the first to react, standing up so quickly that she sent her chair flying.
“Beautiful? She’s a love-sucking, evil monster!” she shouted, pointing at the stunned Changeling. “There’s nothing beautiful about her.”
“I mean, that’s wrong,” Anon said, looking around the room once again. “She can be super evil and all that, but that doesn’t not make her beautiful.”
The confusion in the room grew, drowning out Cadence’s outrage. Chrysalis herself was also thrown for a loop. Yes, she knew that she was a perfect specimen, a queen amongst queens, but she couldn’t recall someone saying it to her so casually. Ever.
“Like, look at her,” the human continued, waving a hand toward her. “Everyone in this room is an eleven outta ten—even you Twilight, you pie dream crusher—and she’s right there with you.”
He turned his attention back toward the queen. Chrysalis stared back, becoming frustrated because she couldn’t sense his emotions to see if he was lying to her or not. “Your highness, I really don’t see why you needed to do the invasion at all. Even if you weren’t super pretty, you can literally change into anything and anyone. You should have an army of guys giving you all the love, money, power, anything that you’d ever want all day every day.”
The alicorn’s continued to stay silent, staring at the human as if he had sprouted a second head right in front of them.
He threw his hands into the air, clearly frustrated. “Come on guys, this can’t be some weird cultural thing where what’s pretty between you guys and me is totally different, right? No one in this room thinks she’s pretty other than me? Or are you guys just doing that mean girl thing where you all gang up on someone you don’t like?” He looked toward Shining. “Your highness? Can I get a little help here?”
Shining stared down at the queen. She could feel his contempt as he frowned. He said nothing, but his silence spoke more than words ever could.
Anon shook his head. “Look, all I’m saying is that where I’m from, pretty girls get pretty much whatever they want. There’s a limit, yeah, but a smart, pretty girl can get real far if she wanted. I just don’t see how a ten-outta-ten that’s a queen who can shapeshift needs to invade a country to get love.”
Chrysalis opened her mouth. She rolled her jaw a few times, trying to get something to come out. “Its… not that simple. Ponies have always found my kind distasteful.”
“Are you sure? Because they deal with me just fine and I’m a weird, hairless alien that shouldn’t exist in this universe,” Anon replied. “From what I was able to gather, you taking love doesn’t hurt anyone, and I know how much ponies love to love each other.”
His eyes narrowed.
“Is it just one of those weird things? Like you wanted to take it because people just giving it to you was too easy? I really don’t understand, your highness. If you’re evil you’re evil, that’s not really okay but I can dig it, but what’s the need if you can do pretty much everything you want just by looking like that.”
“I…” Chrysalis began, only to find herself trailing off.
There were reasons why she hadn’t done as he suggested. Many good, valid, solid reasons why she had walked down the path she had. For the life of her though, she was having trouble bring to mind a single one.
Maybe it was the way that he sounded so earnest as he spoke. Maybe she was still thrown off by being unable to sense anything coming from him. She couldn’t say. All she knew was that she couldn’t answer his questions.
“So, what do you want, Anonymous? To let her go simply because you think she’s pretty?” Luna asked, irritation etched in her tone
“Well, no,” the human said. “If she did something wrong she should probably be punished for it.” He turned toward Twilight. “Did she kill anyone during the invasion?”
The alicorn shook her head. “No. Thankfully, nopony was killed. There were just a few injuries.” She looked toward Celestia, who grimaced as she remembered that day. “Some more major than others, but nothing crippling.”
“She damaged a lot of buildings? Knocked Princess Celestia out, mind-controlled Prince Shining, and kidnapped Empress Cadence, right?”
Celestia coughed into her hand. “Yes.”
Anon shrugged. “I don’t know then, I’m not judge, I don’t know what she should get for all of that. You guys did forgive Starlight though, and you forgave Discord twice, and both of them almost destroyed the planet. Maybe you could do the same to her? Make her take friendship lessons or something?”
The alicorns exchanged glances. Cadence, not taking her eyes off Chrysalis, levitated her chair back toward her and sat down. Crossing her legs, she blew a bit of hair out of her face. She looked irritated, but her anger didn't feel quite as thick in the air.
“Thank you for your input, Anon,” Celestia said. “You and Twilight can leave. I believe that Luna, Cadence, and I have some things to discuss.”
Anon stood. “Okay. I hoped I helped you guys out,” he said, looking toward Chrysalis. “It was nice to meet you, your highness.”
He carefully navigated around chairs and bodies to stand next to Twilight. He nudged her side. “Come on, nerd. You owe me at least a pie for this.”
Twilight, rolling her eyes, nudged him back, bowing her head to her fellow alicorns before making her way toward the door with the human in tow. Chrysalis stared at them as they left, and continued to stare at the door as it was closed behind them.
Luna, intertwining her fingers, let out a sigh. “Well, I believe that went tits up,” she said to no one in particular.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
Anon stood, hunched over a table. His brow was furrowed. Slowly, carefully, and with such tender care, he placed a small black button on the owl decoration that he had been slaving over for the past two days. The prototype—which he hoped would be able to go into production before the end of the week—was just about finished.
Ponies seemed to love little knick knacks for their homes, especially cute little wooden animals. Anon might not have been able to do much in this world filled with magic and wonder, but he wasn’t a bad carver, and had the patience to sit there for the better part of the day working with wood, glue, paint, and little buttons. He personally didn’t think that a lot of what he made was worth the scrap wood that he had carved it from, but his neighbors, and more importantly, rich tourists from Canterlot, seemed to adore whatever he produced.
He made enough from his wares to live comfortably. He wasn’t Rarity by any means, but he was proud to say that he owned his home and his pantry was stuffed full of food.
Pressing the button against the wooden figure, he held it there, counting from fifty in his head. As he reached one, he pulled his finger away. He let out a sigh as the button held firm. “Okay, the glue is working good with the feathers,” he said, giving his wrist a shake. “Now I just need to—”
There was a knock upstairs. A heavy, forceful sound that carried through the house toward the basement.
Anon looked up at the ceiling. “Who the heck is that?” he said, eyes wandering toward the clock hanging on the wall. “Better not be those weird horse Jehovah’s witnesses again…”
He stayed where he was, hoping that whoever knocked would get discouraged and go away. Unfortunately for him, the knocking continued, this time a little louder.
“Dammit...”
Dusting himself off, he made his way up his stairs toward his front door. Grabbing his door knob, he twisted it, pulling open the door.
Standing on his porch was the Changeling queen that he had met the other day. She had a bag slung over her shoulder, and looked as if she were about to fall asleep. Standing beside her was Twilight, who was smiling nervously. Behind them were about a hundred stallions from the royal guard, all of them pointing their weapons in his direction.
Anon, ever the hero, slowly raised his hands above his head. “I… surrender?” he said.
Chrysalis looked him up and down. “Hello there again, creature,” she said. “So, is this where I’ll be living then? It’s no castle, but I suppose that it will do for now.”
She brushed past the human, making her way into his home without another word. Anon watched her make her way into his kitchen, setting her bag onto his table. His hands lowered, and he looked over at Twilight.
“…What about her living here?” he asked.
