Within a rather strangely arranged kitchen, a pair of laughing voices steadily grew louder. The sounds of mirth weren’t anything extraordinary, in and of itself, although where they originated from was rather peculiar. As the moments passed and the noise grew increasingly distinct, the tap on the sink slowly began to turn.
As the raucous howling reached a crescendo, a viscous fluid poured from the spigot. Just when the liquid finished pooling within one half of the sink, the nozzle turned and exuded a second stream of watery matter. Similar in texture but wildly different in coloration to the substance in the first basin, the laughter momentarily paused, as the odd material started to take shape.
One of the liquids flowed over the basin’s edge, pattering to the floor and forming into a tall, frankenstein-like creature. Having a vaguely serpentine body, with a mishmash of mismatched limbs, the beast took shape and stretched his back. A pair of ill suited horns sat upon his crown, just above a pair of bushy white eyebrows, and his brilliant chartreuse eyes peered at the shaping figure hovering over his kitchen counter.
The second creature, while sharing a vaguely similar body shape to the first, had several striking differences - for starters, its anatomy was symmetrical and its colors didn’t clash quite as violently. Unlike her compatriot, however, her form was a smooth, almost sensual blend of animalistic traits and features. Covered in hibiscus, cerulean, denim, and shamrock hued hide, as well as a pair of alluring coral colored eyes, there was something undeniably feminine about the being.
Wiping a mirthful tear from her cheek, she looked over at her companion. “Well, Discord, that certainly wasn’t what I’d expected,” she giggled.
“What part threw you off, Cosmic? Was it when the corn erupted from that poor sap’s toilet or when I turned his burrito into antimatter?” Discord responded, thoughtfully stroking his goatee.
“Cosmos - It’s Cosmos,” she corrected, drifting to the floor.
Discord flippantly shrugged, before extending an arm and pulling her to his chest. “Either way, you leave me seeing stars,” he hummed, pulling a daffodil from his ear canal.
Cosmos tried and inevitably failed not to smile. It’d been ages since she’d stumbled across someone as entertaining and downright enchanting as Discord. Waving a taloned hand dismissively, she beamed up at him. “I bet you say that to all the cosmic horrors who drop out of the heavens, you honey dripper.”
“I’m no honey dripper, although,” the draconequus purred, bringing his snaggle toothed muzzle to within an inch of his guest’s snout, “I could teach you something about the birds and the bees.”
“Oh, ho ho ho,” Cosmos chuckled, shaking her head. “Now that is a bold assertion, considering all of the things I’ve been through,” she continued, slipping from his grasp. Standing to face him, defiantly cocking her hips, her stingered tipped tail menacingly drifted back and forth behind her shoulders.
“I assure you, I’ve got a few...tricks up my sleeves,” Discord countered, snapping the digits of his paw-like hand.
In a flash of light, a trunk appeared beside him. Seemingly of its own volition, the container let loose a dizzying array of obscene and exceptionally questionable objects that proceeded to magically parade through the air. The chaos deity smugly smiled, as the bawdy items began to quickly orbit them.
“Whips, chains, flogs, bondage frogs, gags, jizz rags, varying pumps, orgasm cake from that movie, and enough latex adorn a small platoon of gimps,” he tallied, watching the treasure trove emerge from the chest. “I could go on, but I think you get the idea…”
“Moderately impressive,” the she-devil quietly responded, before her eyes locked on her companion, “if I was being wooed by some bold neophyte.”
Discord balked, snapping away his hoard of lewd playthings in the blink of an eye. “As if you could do any better!” he huffed, petulantly crossing his distinctive arms over his furry chest.
Without saying a word, an undeniably predatory grin crept across Cosmos’ face. Stepping towards him, extending her arms, she sweetly caressed his cheeks. “How about you give me some...head…”
“But you don’t…” Discord trailed off, as his head was plucked from his body. No blood, no gore, no muss, no fuss - it was, without a doubt, the cleanest decapitation the universe had ever bore witness to.
Cradling his noggin in her palms, she smirked down at him. It didn’t hurt, nor was it even uncomfortable, although the sensation of being departed from his body was slightly jarring. Squinting up at her, he scrunched his snout.
“First of all, rude. Secondly, I don’t - H...Hey!” he bleated, as the mistress of madness began carrying him towards the living room.
“Oh, you poor Dear, there’s no need to fret,” Cosmos purred, easing herself onto the sofa.
Bringing him to eye level, she glanced over to his body. His frame and limbs blindly fumbled about in the kitchen, without a mechanism to steer it, presumably in search of his cranium. The sight was amusing enough, although it played second fiddle to what she had planned for her chimeric consort.
“So, what, am I going to serve as Equestria’s most unique paperweight? Oh! Maybe I could help with your taxes!” Discord chirped, a pair of spectacles appearing on his face. Opening his maw, his long, forked tongue appeared with a pocket calculator. “Ma fvvgest yew ahtemize!”
Spying the slick and muscular appendage unfurl past the draconequus’ lips, Cosmos’ eyes went alight. “I always go for the standard deduction, but I digress. Glad to see you’re still such a little chatterbox, my cunning linguist, because I have plans for that tongue of yours,” she giggled, languidly splaying her legs.
Before Discord could ask for clarification, he found himself rocketing towards his guest’s groin. A muffled yelp of surprise was all he could muster, as his muzzle was jammed against her succulent and moist entrance. Like some combination of equine and canine, the meaty folds were supremely warm and inviting. Peering up at her face, he furrowed his brow in consternation.
“Listen, Darling, you’re face first in some nearly millennia dry aged puss right now. If you don’t take the initiative, I will…” she explained, grabbing his horns and pulling him deeper.
As Discord’s snout was slowly entombed within the hot, wet confines of eldritch snatch, his eyes went wide. He’d done some freaky shit before, but having his head unbirthed was not on his bucket list! Acting quickly, he set himself to task.
Keeping a firm grip on the amalgam’s antlers, Cosmos closed her eyes and hummed in contentment. His long, sinuous appendage, as she’d assumed, was good for something beyond yammering incessantly. Truth be told, as soon as she’d seen that devilishly alluring tongue of his, she’d hoped to feel it writhing about in her depths; now with her lecherous plan in full swing, she had every intention of savoring it.
Situated as he was, with his nostrils practically straddling her rigid clit, Discord found it - shall we say - a bit challenging to breathe properly. Forced to inhale through his nose, since it was his only viable option, his sinuses were filled with the piquant musk of his paramour. Besides her captivating scent and startling domineering turn of face, the flavor of her nethers was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before.
Like some mixture of chai, spicy cinnamon candy, and yuzu, the cloying flavors washed over his taste buds. Lipping and gently sucking on her clit, while his tongue quested for her g-spot, he watched her delighted face. Without access to his limbs, after all, there wasn’t much he could do but enjoy her reaction.
“Gods,” Cosmos groaned, throwing one arm over the back of the couch. Sliding her lower half forward, leaving her tush hanging over the edge of the cushion, she made herself comfortable.
Sadly, as a loud clatter caused her eyes to fly open, her reverie was shattered all too quickly. Discord’s body had, at some point, wandered into the living room, tripped on the rug, and fallen through the coffee table. Snarling over at the twisted mass of coiled torso and limbs, something caught her attention. Amidst the fur, feathers, and scales of the draconequus’ frame sat something slick.
Sprouted from the patchwork creature’s groin was a very hard and very brightly colored appendage. An electric blue, which darkened towards the base, the tool had attributes reminiscent of several creatures. Ridges ran lateral along most of the shaft, a bulbous knot rested at its root, and a slightly spear-like crown marked its head. Her pupils shrank to slits, as her priorities abruptly shifted.
Leaning over and setting Discord’s head beside herself, on the vacant end of the sofa, she shifted her position. Contorting her back over the arm of the couch, she reached over, grabbed the draconequus’ cock, and deftly removed it from the fumbling body’s crotch. The equipment and nuts were pulled free, leaving a smooth and featureless mound behind. The move elicited a squeak of surprise from the disembodied head, leaving her to raise a questioning eyebrow.
“You can feel that?” she asked, peering over at the noggin.
“Duh! Did you think that, just because I’m in pieces, I can’t feel what’s going on?” he grumbled, leering up at her.
“Well then,” she murmured, arching her back and turning her head to the side, “in that case…”
Hefting the dong to her maw, Cosmos ran her tongue over it’s length. Positioned as she was, with Discord’s cranium resting between her legs, she made sure to give her host a picturesque view of her teasing. As she reached the tip, she gave it a small kiss and leisurely pressed it past her parting lips and into her muzzle.
Feeling her tongue work the sensitive underside of his shaft, hearing her hum in sinful delight, Discord gnawed his bottom lip. To make matters worse, he was just out of reach of her drooling cunt, leaving him effectively powerless - well, not really, but he was too distracted to make use of his chaotic abilities. Rocking to the side in some foolish attempt to get closer to her loins, he flopped onto one cheek.
Cosmos snickered, watching the dragonequus’ head tip over. Holding his package like a dildo made flesh, she lazily fellated him. Delightful zaniness of their afternoon aside, it’d been far, far too long since she’d last had a plaything to truly sate herself with. Taking a breath and relaxing her throat, she pressed his length into her gullet.
Discord hissed, as the pleasurable sensation of his guest’s esophagus embraced his dick. His body, still feeling around on the floor, fitfully twitching and ineffectually humping at nothing. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten a blowjob of that caliber, and that was apart the fact he’d never had his equipment removed before, so his wits slowly left him.
Gazing down at the chaos lord’s blushing cheeks, Cosmos relented. Retracting her head and pulling his throbbing length from her snout, she gave his glans a parting peck. “Do you want me to stop?” she inquired, batting her eyes at him.
“I…I…” Discord sputtered. It felt amazing and he didn’t want it to stop, though he was more than curious about what other carnal delights she held for him. Given the sublime heat and lusciousness of her sex, he was left to assume it either rivaled or even eclipsed that of her muzzle. “Ahem - I’d much rather form the beast with two backs, if you insist on doing such unscrupulous things with me.”
“Straight to the point, I like that,” she half-purred, half-growled. Shuffling down the couch, leaving his head resting between her thighs, she raised her waist. Bringing his cock to her groin, she ran the pointed tip up and down between her meaty lower lips. Glancing past her hand, she shot him a wink.
“That is not what I...Oh good gravy,” he wheezed, as his tool sunk into her. It felt so much better than he could have imagined, like a hot pocket of rapture and raw pleasure.
Taking her time and relishing the glacially slow insertion, Cosmos drove him deeper and deeper; she only stopped when the bulbous base bumped against her entrance. Rolling her head over the arm of the couch, she began fucking herself. Bodiless or not, she was more than capable of serving herself with his goods - after all, she had the most important parts well in hand.
Practically whimpering, with his body trembling and his hips thrusting at the air, Discord was at a loss. He was one of the few creatures in all of existence who could watch and experience such a lascivious scene - still, he wasn’t completely pleased. Minutes before, when he’d been gleefully munching away at his pell-mell partner’s cunt, he’d at least felt useful.
“Can’t I do something?!” he whined, eventually propping himself upright with his tongue.
Cosmos’ motions ground to a halt. Silently swinging her left ankle to the back of the sofa, she flexed her leg and lifted her rump slightly. With her behind hovering a scant few inches from the cushioned surface, her tail crept behind the unbodied head between her thighs. If he wanted to take part in the activities so badly, she had just the thing for him.
Though Discord couldn’t see it from behind her raised posterior, a rictus grin split her features. The long, muscular tail cradling the base of his skull drew him towards her pillowy cheeks, causing his pupils to shrink to pinpricks. A feeling of licentious dread welled up within his departed stomach, as her stinger tugged at his horn and angled his face upwards.
“Since you’re so enthusiastic,” she rasped, licking her chops, “allow me to indulge you.”
Her lilting words were all the warning Discord got, before he found himself buried in her ass. Between her body weight, the positioning of his noggin, and her tail drawing him in, his snout was pressed tightly to her pucker. The strong, earthy aroma was far more powerful than the delicate fragrance of her eldritch ladybits.
Merrily waggling her hips, hearing his muted protests, Cosmos returned to shamelessly rutting herself with the draconequus’ dong. She had to admit, the textures along his shaft were downright divine - far better than anything she’d ever experienced before. As enjoyable as his tool was, there was one nagging issue.
Effectively using his knot as a handle, she was constantly reminded that she hadn’t treated herself to all of him. With increasing speed and force, yearning to feel the swollen bulb inside of her, she ground the bulbous protrusion against her entrance. It was a vicious cycle; the harder she screwed herself with his prick, the more she wanted it - the more she wanted it, the more vehement her motions became.
With his eyes resting just beneath the action, Discord hungrily bathed the interior of Cosmos’ backdoor. Beyond the exquisite sensations her cunt afforded and the perfect view of his shaft pistoning into her sopping wet entrance, he was distracted by a bit of a problem - he couldn’t breathe. In her fervor to sate herself, the galactic monstrosity had literally crammed his muzzle into her bottom.
It may have been the lack of air, or perhaps it was due to various parts of himself being used as makeshift marital aids, but he found himself creeping closer and closer to the edge. It was all he could do to feverishly lavish the celestial horror’s colon with his tongue - that and blink her dripping feminine juices out from his eyes. His dearly departed body wasn’t having much luck, either.
The draconequus’ frame, at some point having gotten to his feet, had shambled back into the kitchen. With no bat in the belfry, it grasped the edge of his table and bucked angrily into the hard wooden surface. Trying desperately to reciprocate the sensations accosting his head and prick, it blissfully plowed at the furniture in its grasp.
Thrusting her hips upward and effectively using Discord’s snout and dick as a pair of dildos, Cosmos’ motions grew frenzied. To be sure, in all her years of wandering existence, she’d never found a partner whom she’d been able to use in such a salacious fashion. Breathing heavily, heedless of her host’s plight, she pushed herself to the limit.
As her zeal pushed her to screw herself with steadily increasing force, the impossible happened. The knotted base battered into her entrance, with an all but audible Pop, leaving the spear-like head lodged firmly in her cervix. Her leg faltered, causing her lower half to crash down upon the chaos lord’s face - slamming his entire muzzle into her pucker.
The unexpected turn of events proved to be too much, sending Cosmos spiraling into rapturous oblivion. Screaming to the maddening heavens, squirting climactic fluid around the fat bulb plugging her cunt, her eyes rolled to the back of her head. She thought it was the best orgasm she’d ever had - she thought she’d never experience anything better - but she was wrong.
Feeling her silken canal and velvety ass spasming around him, Discord’s resolve shattered. His knot expanded, doubling in size and locking itself within his mistress, yet that was only a prelude for what was to come. Pints of spunk surged through his throbbing length, erupting into her womb. Her whorish screams elevated in pitch, her body thrashed wildly, and his face mercifully slipped from her rump.
The pressure and heat of his scalding seed, seeping into her deepest depths, was the epitome of insane pleasure. There was no way a mortal could survive such blissful havoc - stars above, she’d nearly lost consciousness herself! She was rocked to her very core, trying and failing to wrap her head around the magnitude of what she suffered through. It was all she could do to lie there and breathe.
As unthinkable as it was, the nirvanic rapture Cosmos felt was even beyond her comprehension. The corners of her vision darkened, her arms fell limply to her sides, and her thighs trembled uncontrollably. It was an epoch, marking that she’d found something she could never let go - no, someone she would never let go.
Heaving air into his oxygen starved lungs, having nearly seen the light at the end of the tunnel, Discord was the first to recover. Though the sex and crescendo had been amazing, possibly the best he’d ever had, he was simply thankful not to have met an untimely and unseemly demise. The fingers of his right hand snapped, magically transporting his head back onto his shoulders; though his dick remained firmly lodged within his guest’s convulsing sex.
Strolling over to Cosmos’ panting, stupefied form, he smirked down at her. She certainly seemed to have enjoyed herself, even if it had been at his expense, so he saw fit to leave her with a parting gift. Kneeling beside her and moving his hands behind his back, he brought his face to her sweat streaked countenance.
“That certainly was a number of firsts for me, though it would have been nice to get a bit of a warning beforehand,” Discord mused. With a subtle pop of expelled magic, a pair of plugs appeared in his palms; a large one of pure alabaster, and a smaller one of midnight blue. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be getting that back where it belongs,” he chuckled, getting back to his feet.
His cock sorcerously dislodged itself and sprang to his groin, affixing itself into its proper place as if it had never budged an inch. No sooner had his semi-flaccid tool departed her entrance, than a small deluge of jizz seeped from her gaped hole. Leaning in, intent to put the duo of plugs to use, she reached up and grabbed his neck.
“I...it belongs inme,” she croaked. Vacant snatch aside, she felt hollow without feeling him inside of her. Something had changed, throughout their all too brief exchange; she needed him. Spying the items he held, she reached up, snatched them from his clutches, and rammed them into herself.
Askance, Discord took a step back. Not only had she made a miraculous recovery, but her tone had sounded frantic, almost unhinged when she’d spoken. Peering down at her, she shifted to her side, spread her legs, and seductively caressed the pair of toys occupying her blissfully wonderful and terrifying holes.
Emblazoned with the cutie marks of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, the bases of the toys lie nestled against her plugged puss and ass. Her cat-like eyes gazed up at him, as she ran her tongue over the lips of her fanged maw. It was only at that moment that an age old axiom came to him...
Never stick your dick in crazy.
