My Final Confession: Relapse

Pinkamena laid still in her bed above Sugar Cube Corner. She had been back for nearly a week and the fog of confusion tied to time travel was finally lifting. It always took a few days for Pinkamena’s memories to collect and she would stagger around in a stupor, blindly following her routine until the memories of her previous lives cohered. Outside was a bright, brilliant day and she could hear the cheerful voices of her numerous friends enjoying the sweet spring heat. The sun had streamed into her room through the pink framed window, beckoning her to come outside and play with her friends. She had drawn the shades and returned to bed. She lay above the covers with her vivacious pink mane laying flat against her cheek.

Her eyes had shed so many tears that they had nothing left. They felt swollen and twice their normal size, bulging and scratchy inside their sockets. Her face hurt in radiating, spider webbing patterns around her cheeks and forehead. Her eyes were bloodshot pools of wisdom beyond the age of her body. Only they revealed the haunting miseries of the many lives she had lived.

She felt awful. That wasn’t quite right. Physically, she felt better than she had in the last forty years. She was young again, back in a body in the prime of its life. Her hips still moved smoothly in their joints and she could pack as many cakes as she wanted into her stomach without gaining a single pound. She never felt tired, not even after a full day of gallivanting with her friends. Mentally and emotionally, however; she was shattered.

She wasn’t sure what had happened in those last moments with Cozy and Twilight. She remembered being in a great amount of pain and Twilight telling Cozy something … something terrible, but she couldn’t recall what. The haze still left her somewhat disjointed and confused. She remembered Cozy’s tears and the defeat in her voice. Twilight was hurting Cozy somehow and Pinkamena couldn’t allow that. She remembered doing something, some last ditch effort to help her friend.

Whatever it was, it must not have been enough.

There were pieces of other things after that but not enough to put together the puzzle. She thought she had called Cozy Glow an empress but that couldn’t have been right or she wouldn’t be back here in her young body. She wouldn’t have to make the decisions laboring upon her.

She pushed the dark thoughts away and focused on the vivid colors of her room. Her flat, unfiled teeth felt awkward in her mouth like they took up too much room. She kept biting her tongue accidentally. Wishing she could enjoy those beautiful colors as she once used to, Pinkamena sighed and shook her head slowly.

“It’s never going to end, is it? I died sometime long ago and don’t remember it. This has been my punishment all along: to let Cozy down, to kill my friends, to see Twilight’s hatred for me,” she speaks to no one but herself, watching nothing but her thoughts parade before her eyes.

The dark thoughts returned from the brief reverie of lesser misery. She had choices to make and none of them felt correct. She could wait a month or two before taking a life, she knew. This would be the 38th … 39th ... time she had entered the time portal? It didn’t matter; it all ran together like mixed paint into a long, brown, indistinguishable streak of misery and guilt. She would have to start with Rainbow Dash if she was going to try again. Having tried with others, it only added to the number of ponies she would have to slaughter in order to gain enough infamy. For some reason, Dash was always the one that brought the attention she needed to get the wheels of her plan turning, to captivate a nation with her misdeeds.

Dash was always the most difficult. Not because of her physicality, she trusted Pinkie Pie and would come willingly to the gruesome death awaiting her, but because she was such a dear friend. Killing her was always the biggest hurdle, the one that hurt the most. Pinkamena’s eyes ached as they tried to sport fresh tears that would not come. She didn’t want to hear Rainbow begging for her life again. She didn’t want to see her blood or feel her heart stop.

Maybe she didn’t have to. She could give up on saving Cozy. Her heart clenched in her chest and Pinkamena moaned softly at the thought. No, she couldn’t just abandon the pegasus like that. Cozy had been the one that brought her back from the darkness swelling within her that first time.

Back when her friends were shadows and Pinkamena felt alone in the world. If it hadn’t been for Cozy Glow coming into her life, she would have killed herself in her little confection cottage in the Everfree forest. Cozy Glow, true to her name, had been the light in the abyss of solitude and loneliness that freed Pinkamena’s emotions. Without her, Pinkamena had no empathy, and made herself a true monster. Pinkamena’s bond with Cozy was deeper than that of friendship. She loved the filly more than anything, more than herself, more than any of her other friends. They were parts of the same soul.

She had made plans to kill Twilight Sparkle in the castle as her farewell to Equestria. It would have been her finest work and then she would retire to her home, sip some tea and braid a noose. Finally, she would choke her own life away from one of the supporting beams of the basement. She had been so thoroughly convinced that she was the only authentic life that she no longer wanted to be part of it. She was more than happy for her inner light to fade into the great blackness consuming her. But as she snuck through the statue garden, she felt a presence, a real one coming from one of the statues. It had been Cozy.

When Pinkamena had returned home it had not been with Twilight’s blood on her hooves and it had not been alone. She had felt alive for the first time in forever.

And that feeling still thrived deep within her.

Depression weighed down upon the mare and her chest hurt as if her ribs were broken. She absently wondered if her fragmented memories were somehow manifesting in ways she didn’t understand. It didn’t matter. Nothing did right now.

Getting a rope wouldn’t be difficult. There were plenty in the basement. If she couldn’t save Cozy, maybe she should save herself from the pain and heartache … the beams in the basement would easily support her weight. It couldn’t possibly hurt as much as her heart did right now.

And if it did, she deserved it. It would be over shortly, not drawn out through another 40 years of murder and isolation.

But Cozy would remain a statue for eternity. Pinkamena had spent years searching for the pegasus before she had come to Ponyville.She had hoped that taking her in would alter the future. But it was like the filly didn’t exist until the day she appeared in town. It was always too late by then. Nothing Pinkamena said or did reached her before her petrification. Nothing reached her afterwards, either. But, at least she would have a little time to be happy. Pinkamena was sure of one thing: despite her lust for power, Cozy was happy when they were together.

Mrs. Cake made noise deep in the bowels of the house and Pinkamena sighed again, heavy and full of dread. She would have to ruin their lives again. Destroy the lives of all her friends. Turn Sugar Cube Corner into a haunted house. Unless she killed herself. Killing herself would be what was best for everyone but she didn’t know if that was the same as choosing not to help her dear friend or not. It wasn’t for her own sake that she debated removing herself from the equation.

She rolled to face the wall, closing her eyes and wishing she could just fall asleep. Nightmares may come, but those that haunted her waking hours were more frightening. Dark thoughts rolled through her head and scratched at her sanity. She felt sick and exhausted at what the future held in store for her. She was a failure. Completely. Utterly. And she knew deep down that her choice would not be the rope. She would continue to fail for all eternity until she became worse than the depraved maniac she had once been. Piece by piece, life by life, Pinkie Pie was dying and seceding to the darkness deep within her. At some point, in some future life, the hope inside of her would finally shatter and only a demon would walk in her place.

In some ways she welcomed it. To be free of the curse of remorse and guilt, even at the cost of her soul, was tempting compared to the hell she lived one life at a time.

Hooves on the second floor. Mrs. Cake was probably coming to check on her for the seventh time today. She loved the older pony but her face hurt and she didn’t feel like facing any of the ponies she would soon hurt.

Someone knocked gently at the door and, sure enough, Mrs. Cake called to her as the door gingerly opened. “Pinkie? Honey, are you feeling any better?”

“No, Mrs. Cake. I’m sorry. I just … I just need to be alone for a little while longer,” her voice was empty, emotionless, as hollow as she felt.

“I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well, Pinkie. This may be a bad time but I need to introduce someone to you,” Mrs. Cake was soothing but prompt and business-like. Pinkamena knew Mrs. Cake loved her but she was taking time away from her business to check on her. Time made more important since she was short staffed without Pinkamena’s aid.

Pinkamena bit her lip and sat up on her bed, resigned to the momentary aside from wallowing in self-pity to appease Mrs. Cake.

“Pinkie, this filly is an orphan with nowhere to go. She came in this morning and, well, Mr. Cake and I … we just can’t send her away. She wants to learn how to bake and we simply have to keep her here to study with us.” Mrs. Cake, soft and doughy, explained as a cutie-markless filly stepped into the room.

Pinkamena finally slipped from the bed, only half-listening to what Mrs. Cake had said. She flipped her curtain of magenta mane aside and her eyes suddenly went wide at who stood before her.

“Her name is Cozy Glow. We’ll get another bed in a few days, but we’d like you to share your room with her, Pinkie,” Mrs. Cake finished. Cozy smiled happily, her blue, curled locks of hair bouncing lightly as her big, incarnadine eyes stared at Pinkamena.

Wh … what ... what?” Pinkamena stammered, confusion filling her like a bowl and sloshing from the sides. She felt numb and couldn’t process her thoughts.

Mrs. Cake gently patted Cozy’s head and concern turned her brow into a w. “I know you aren’t feeling well and this is an … unexpected surprise, but she needs our help. I’m sure you understand.”

Shock rooted Pinkamena in placed as she answered something she didn’t recognize to Mrs. Cake who smiled sweetly and faced Cozy. “This is Pinkie Pie. I’m sure you two will get along well. If you get hungry again, come downstairs and we’ll whip something nice up for you, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Cozy answered pleasantly and continued to beam a smile at the stupefied Pinkamena.

“Such a good filly,” Mrs. Cake said as she turned and began down the stairs, leaving the two to stare at one another. They stood, unmoving until the sounds of Mrs. Cake died away.

“You … you look so pretty, Pinkamena. There’s no gray and you’re … umm, more filled out and less wrinkly. Oh! Your cutie marks are balloons! How neat!”

Cozy’s words unpetrified Pinkamena and she shivered from anxiety and disbelief. “Cozy? How?” she begins shaking her head. “No. You can’t be here.”

Cozy pouted, her lip jutting forward cutely. “You don’t want me here?”

“Of course I want you here,” Pinkamena snapped, her words laced with confusion, trepidation, and anger. “Just … oh, Cozy are you real? I’m not losing my mind am I?” Softening, Pinkamena took a step towards Cozy. She shook in fear of mental delusion but Cozy ran to her, meeting her halfway between them in a big, tight hug that wrapped Pinkamena’s neck completely.

“I missed you! I missed you so much, Pinkamena.” A warm wetness soaked into the earth pony’s neck and she swallowed the pegasus in deep embrace, her own eyes finding more tears to shed in the moment as she pressed Cozy into her.

Both ponies sobbed gently into the other and shared the heat of their rapidly beating hearts. Pinkamena nuzzled into Cozy’s curls, taking in her sweet scent and allowing herself to break. She didn’t trust her eyes but her swelling heart was hard to deny.

They lingered in silence, reunited and emotional until Pinkamena whispered gently to Cozy, “Why are you here? It’s still fuzzy but we won, right? You had the crown … you were the Empress of Friendship.”

Cozy nodded gingerly and wiped at her eyes as their embrace broke. “I was. I … I think I finally learned what you kept trying to teach me.”

“What do you mean, honey?” Pinkamena’s hoof stroked Cozy’s neck softly as if she were afraid Cozy would disappear if their touch broke. Her smile fumbled fretfully, unsure if what she was seeing was real.

“I just … you were dying. I had to push you into the portal or you would be gone forever. I realized something then, once I was sure you were safe. I was alone. I had the crown but that didn’t change the fact that I was alone,” she sniffled and wiped her eyes clear of the fresh tears while her lips trembled. “I had been alone my whole life. Nobody … nobody ever wanted me. Nobody ever cared about me until you. I could put the crown on but that wouldn’t change anything; I’d still be alone. So … so I made a decision. My first and only decision as Empress of Friendship. Twilight wasn’t dead yet so I made a deal with her: I’d give her back the crown if she opened another time portal for me.” Cozy pressed her forehead against Pinkamena’s and nuzzled gently.

“And she did?” Pinkamena asked.

“I may have added ‘or I’ll kill you’ to it and she really didn’t have much of a choice. She was in really bad shape. I’m not completely sure she lived but she did as I asked and I threw the crown at her as I jumped through.” They both chuckled softly.

Pinkamena paused before asking her next question. “Have you given up on becoming the Empress of Friendship? I don’t see your rook cutie mark.”

“I guess I haven’t earned my mark yet. I just want to be with you. Forever.” Cozy tenderly said, her voice frail in the admittance.

Pinkamena wrapped the filly in her forelegs again, finally allowing herself to believe in what her senses told her. “I’m so happy, Cozy. All I’ve ever wanted was to give you what you wanted. I never thought you’d join me on this side of the portal. It wasn’t even an option.”

“I love you, Pink … err … Miss Pinkamena.” Cozy snuggled into the earth pony with all of her body.

“I love you too, Cozy. And … you can call me Pinkie if you want.” Pinkie Pie’s heart felt as if it would explode. All of the pain that burdened it fell like thawing ice and the black tendrils of guilt dried into husks and collapsed. All of the things she had done didn’t matter anymore. She had succeeded somehow and her only dream was becoming real before her. Her heart poured love throughout her body and she felt better than she had in many, many lifetimes.

“There’s something I’d rather call you, if that’s okay?” Cozy looked up at Pinkie with wide, wet eyes shimmering.

“What’s that?” Pinkamena’s smile was huge and real, full of genuine happiness. Cozy bit her lip softly, a mimicry of Pinkie’s habit.

“Mom?”

Pinkie’s breath caught in her chest, joined by her breaking heart. She didn’t speak an answer, only hugged the child, her child, to her and sobbed softly in a deep, loving embrace.