My Final Confession: Relapse

The feed returns looking directly up from below and into the pink muzzle of a filly. A vibrant blue canopy of curling locks drifts around her head and her brows hunch. A small piece of rolled tissue paper tinged with a dark red stain plugs one of her nostrils while curious eyes the color of raw meat flicker across the lens.

“Okay… okay. I think it’s working. That was a nasty spill you took Mr. Camera. I thought she had broken you when my big old noggin hit you. To be fair you left a pretty good lump on my head, though. So we both came out a little worse for wear.”

The camera spins too quickly to make out much more than color streaks and motion blur but the house appears to be one large room with each area separated by candy-tile patterns. It is impossible to tell if the house is made from, or modeled after, baked goods.

The camera is gently placed on a table that looks familiar with permanently stained dark blotches marring the peachy beech wood. The filly appears in frame and gives a sweet smile, her features soft and plump with her clashing color scheme causing her to appear what most would consider to be cute. The filly hums a merry tune to herself as she places a large wooden bowl onto the table and surrounds it with ingredients used in cooking: flour, sugar, eggs, milk, and various other items. The filly drops from sight behind the table and then re-emerges and appears to count inaudibly over the items before staring into the camera and grinning widely.

“Welcome to the … ummm …”, she brings a hoof to her chin and looks absently to the ceiling. “Cozy’s Cooking Corner! With your golly gee, adorable host, Cozy Glow! Since this is the inaugural voyage of the Corner … and the first time I’ve ever tried to actually cook anything … we are going to do something easy and meat-free!”

Cozy adopts a short smile and lilts her head softly to the side. “Now, I know what you are thinking, ‘meat free?’ But aren’t all pony meals free of meat?’ Well, mine are but sometimes there are some real weirdos out there. I happen to live with one of them. Her name is Pinkamena! You wonderful folks may recall her from a string of murders some time back.”

Cozy refers to the infamous ‘Cupcake Killer’ from decades ago. Though the former Celestial government officially pronounced Pinkamena Pie dead after a five year ponyhunt, her name still draws a gasp from campfire horror stories around Equestria. While the initial rampage of the mare totaled a high body count, she disappeared after several pursuits and, if our former Princess is to be believed, committed suicide inside of Red Velvet Cakery emporium after a standoff with the Royal Guard. Only the occasional missing pony conjures the legend into household conversation once more.

“She acts like she’s some big deal scary monster or something. You know what she really is? A big crybaby!” Cozy Glow touches her head and grunts while looking off-camera. Narrowing her eyes she pulls the blood-soaked tissue paper from her nose and it disappears below the table. She pauses and continues to look away from the camera at something unknown.

Canterlot Royal Guard detectives identified her as the filly involved in an attempted government coup. See attached file.

“Anyway,” Cozy chews the word as if it tastes bitter, “It’s a beautiful morning and I’m very hungry for … some …uh ... flapjacks! So let’s get out our… ummm… big stir-spoon.”

Rummaging around in something off-screen and making several clanking noises, Cozy murmurs to herself until she hefts a large wooden paddle-like utensil, called a peel, much too large for mixing pancake batter. Struggling to maintain the utensil, Cozy drops more than lays it on the table and grunts audibly as the other bowls rattle and shift.

“Okay… so, now we have our stirrer. Let’s preheat the oven and let it be getting nice and hot while we put the ingredients together.”

Cozy turns and opens the small brick oven, humming the same song as before while she builds a fire. The small pink pony crawls halfway inside to light the tinder she prepared. After a few grumbles, a couple curse words, and a minor freak out, Cozy retracts from the oven with soot streaking down her left cheek. The mop of blue curls now heavy with ashes, she sneezes and momentarily disappears in a burst of dark clouds. She recovers quickly and hustles to her initial placement behind the table.

“Hard part: accomplished!” Cozy salutes with one foreleg and bounces happily. “Now, let’s put in a cup of flour!” The filly struggles with a full bag of Royal Emblem flour. It teeters in her grip as far more than a cup pours into a large, wooden mixing bowl. Much of the white powder spills around the bowl, onto and behind the table as Cozy replaces the half-empty bag.

“So that’s about enough flour. Next … we … need … one of these things…ah! This! Caker’s powder!” Cozy takes a small, dark bowl into her hooves of another white powder. It is obviously ‘Baking Powder’. The bowl is small but deep, and appears to hold far more baking powder than is necessary. The filly unceremoniously dumps the entirety into the mixing bowl.

“Yep. Now we need eggs and milk. We have to be careful with eggs because they are easy to crack.” The filly takes the first egg and taps it gently onto the edge of the bowl. It refuses to crack, sending a short storm of anger through Cozy’s features. She tries again, much harder this time. “So you just need to ...UGH!”

Cozy splatters the egg against the table into a plasmatic mess. Shell shards decorate the filly’s hoof and float in a pond of albumen.

“Hmm… let’s try that again.” Cozy takes another egg, still dripping from the embryo imbroglio. The egg barely touches the table and remains intact. Cozy tries again with the same result and then taps a little harder but still not enough to crack the egg. “Come on you!”

Darkness crosses the mare and her eyes bulge. She brings back the egg angrily and catches herself in the soot-soaked locks. A hollow thump like a woodpecker attacking a dead tree pierces the kitchen and Cozy cries out sharply, dropping the egg into the unseen floor with an audible crunch. She grabs at her head and rubs violently while tears form in her eyes. “Right on the knot! Oh-ho-ho! Why did I do that? Owwwwwwwwwieeeeeee!”

The mare’s voice returns from off-screen, now more sober and annoyed. “You just don’t know how to be quiet do you?

Cozy stiffens for a moment and snaps her eyes to the right of the camera while still rubbing at her head. Her teeth are gritted and she sniffles in defense. “Well, excuse me Miss sleep-all-day. Some of us like to do more than just snooze!”

“Some of us don’t go to sleep early and snore like a dragon for hours!”

“Go to sleep? Is that what you call it? I call it being knocked out, you hateful grouch!” Another sniffle escapes the filly as she accuses the disembodied voice.

Cozy’s bitter eyes follow something moving and the slow clacking of hooves on tile approach until a middle-aged mare steps into the field of view. Lithe and strong, she is coated in soft pink fur a few shades darker than that of the filly. Standing out in the coat are many speckles of graying hairs. A curtain of deep magenta mane flows like water down one side of her head. Like her coat, it has grayed as well; now a steel-colored shock streaks the longer side. A hairless scar is all that exists of a cutie mark and tiny gaps appear within her coat as she moves, bald reminders of old wounds. She has aged, but little has physically changed since her wanted posters decorated so many cities and villages of Equestria.

She towers over the filly and glowers down at her. A splotch of dried blood stands at the corner of her mouth and a thin black cut barely a half-inch long opens along her cheek when her mouth stretches to speak. As suspected, the Canterlot Royal Guard have identified the mare as Pinkamena Diane Pie. Please refer to the attached case file.

“It could have been much … much worse, you know.” Pinkamena’s grin is a slice of Tartarus looming above the filly.

“Are you going to stand there and threaten me all morning or are we going to actually do something?” Cozy pouts her lip and still rubs at her head with one leg while meeting the monster’s grim visage.

Pinkamena smacks the filly’s hoof away from the soiled blue locks of mane. Cozy flinches but doesn’t recoil, tilting her head forward. Taking her hooves and gently pressing against the filly’s head, Pinkamena grunts softly and spreads the mane, peering inside. “You’ll live, for now. There’s a nasty knot here but I doubt it’s putting any kind of pressure on what little brain you have.”

“You smell like booze.” Cozy’s words are stilted and piercing.

“Not your concern, Cozy.” Pinkamena releases the filly’s head. “Let’s just forget about last night.”

“No wonder you slept so late. Did you stay up drinking and crying agai...GULP!”

Pinkamena growls and latches onto the filly’s throat with her hooves. The thin lips pull back to reveal her gnashing, pointed teeth.

“I said, we are going to FORGET about last night, Cozy. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Pinkie… I-I’m sorry.” The filly struggles against the hoof cutting off her breath.

Releasing Cozy, Pinkamena’s hard expression softens and she turns her back to the camera, inspecting the oven. Cozy sticks her tongue out at Pinkamena’s back. Pinkamena misses the gesture as Cozy quickly sports a smile when the mare faces back around and flitters ice-blue eyes around the floor and table, absorbing the mess. Her eyes are hard, tiny diamonds surrounded by darkened bags. “Don’t call me Pinkie. You know I don’t like it. What, exactly, are you trying to make? I see a lot of things here.”

“Sorry, Pinkamena.” Cozy stammers the name out. “Ummm... this is Cozy’s Cooking Corner’s first episode. I thought flap jacks would be easy and …”

“And?”

The filly’s cheeks flush and her eyes drift down to the floor with a slight frown. “I wanted to say that I was sorry for … for what I said. It was wrong of me to be so mean to you. I thought making breakfast for us would be a good way to apologize.”

“I was unaware that you knew how to cook.” The contents of the bowl slide around as Pinkamena looks into it. Her brows form an M as her gaze falls upon the spilled flour, crushed eggs, and the various instruments strewn upon the table. “You don’t have a clue what you are doing, do you?”

Cozy’s laugh is like a wagon rolling down a hill, trailing off to a ravine where it crashes, flips, and sinks.

Pinkamena disappears from frame and reappears with a small, leathery bag capped with a stopper. The mare tugs a tallow colored ribbon from Cozy’s mane and presses the bottle into the blue locks before tying it down with the ribbon. The filly’s eyes close and a stinging hiss slips from her lips like a viper sliding into a sleeping bag. She jerks away.

“It’s ice. Let’s get that swelling down. So… this is way too much flour and baking powder unless you meant to feed all of Equestria. How about we …” Pinkamena spots the camera and her head tilts off of its axis. Her eyes squint as if struggling to discern the camera before raising one accusing brow to Cozy. “I see … just wanted to say sorry, huh?”

“Well, … yes, but I thought I might as well make it fun too. What’s so wrong with that?”

The two stare at each other for an uncomfortable moment, their wills struggling for dominance. Cozy’s cheeks pop up into a disarmingly cute smile and Pinkamena covers her eyes with one hoof and sighs. “Where’d you even find that thing? I thought I’d gotten rid of it.”

“Somewhere. I had it last night too, but I guess you wouldn’t remember that.”

Pinkamena appears to let the jab slide, “So how does this thing work? I could never figure it out before.”

Cozy puffs with excitement and cheers happily. “Ohhhh! I just knew you would like it if you tried it! Here, let me show you!” Cozy dashes towards the camera and chuckles to herself. Hooves envelope the field of view and the filly’s soft coat consumes almost the entire screen while the camera begins to shake and lift from the table.

“I didn’t say anything about liking it, I just don’t want you to burn down my…”

The video dies with a burst of static and is replaced with an unknown, pallid pink mare smiling sweetly and sitting on a red and white patched blanket. She appears to be wearing a green sundress. There is no sound but the mare brushes back a few loose strands of orange mane tied up in a ponytail and appears to be laying out paper plates from a wide wicker basket. A nutmeg stallion canters over and sits down beside the mare. He says something causing the young mare to blossom a bright red before leaning in and kissing the stallion. The image distorts angrily and Cozy quickly runs back behind the counter where Pinkamena awaits with the corpse of a smile. The table has been cleared, cleaned, and reset with less utensils and ingredients.

“Today we are…”

“No, no… let me introduce it.”

“Well, you were just standing there doing nothing.” Pinkamena rebutts Cozy, who shifts and bumps into her while clearing her throat in annoyance. The mare rolls her eyes and steps to the side.

“Welcome to Cozy’s Cooking Corner! I’m Cozy Glow and I’m joined by my assistant Pinkie Pie …” It is Pinkamena’s turn to bump into Cozy who stammers before brightening into a giant smile. “I mean, Pinkamena.” The filly slips back into her hostess persona. “Here at Cozy’s Corner we know the value of a hearty, nutritious breakfast but we also know that most ponies just don’t have the time to prepare an elaborate meal. So we are going to show you a quick and tasty breakfast item that has all of the nutrition you need to get your busy day started off right.”

Pinkamena, who had been staring into the ether, interrupts with a strong, sharp jab of excitement. “Muffins! Blueberry, strawberry, oatmeal, banana, all topped with cream cheese frosting!”

Cozy draws back a step and screws her face up as she peers at the tall mare. “Umm… flapjacks. We were making flapjacks.”

“Oh… oh yes, flapjacks. Sorry, old habits.” Pinkamena looks away and frowns to herself. Her gaze drifts off once more.

“While muffins are wonderful and come in a variety of flavors and styles, they aren’t quite as um … portable?” Cozy strains for a moment to think. “Okay, so maybe they are more portable for a pony on the go but they really can’t have any delicious maple …” Cozy strains again. “Well, I guess you can put syrup on them but we didn’t prepare the right ingredients for muffins so we are going to continue making flapjacks.”

Pinkamena returns to the here and now. “Actually, they use almost the exact same ingredients.”

A vein begins to throb on Cozy’s forehead.. “Okay, fine. We’re making muffins! We were all along! Just a funny little, uh, gag here at the Cooking Corner. So we have already preheated our oven but we can start putting the ingredients into a big old mixing bowl.”

Cozy begins mixing ingredients while Pinkamena stops her from making mistakes. There are a lot of concerned looks from Pinkamena and it is painfully obvious that the filly’s reservoir of culinary artistry is sized somewhere between thimbleful and desert. Pinkamena interrupts and shows the filly how to measure, demonstrates a method of cracking eggs, and stops Cozy from pouring various ingredients onto the unseen floor. While the experience is tedious, both are smiling by the end over a pan of fresh, steaming muffins.

Pinkamena holds a knife, handle first, to the filly. “Okay, take the knife and make a cross section.”

“A what?” Cozy’s confusion is apparent.

“A cross section. That’s where you cut the food in half so you can see how delicious it is inside and out.”

“Oh, like what you said you did to those hikers last week?”

“Yeah … something like that.”

“It’s not going to stink is it?”

“Why … why would it stink, Cozy?”

“You said the hikers stunk when you opened them.”

Pinkamena sighs to herself. “It’s … It’s not the same. This should smell really good.”

The first episode of Cozy’s Cooking Corner ends with Cozy slicing a muffin in half, berries and warm oats exhaling piping steam from the inside while gooey cream cheese drips slowly into the newly halved muffin. The baked good suddenly appears jittering inside the whole frame, indicating that the pair may have discovered a basic form of editing.

Cozy’s voice rattles the camera due to proximity and elation. “Join us next time at Cozy’s Cooking Corner for more wholesome goodies, tips, and tricks!”

The video dies with a static snap.