The Continuing Adventures of Baudy, the Filly With a Dial-Up Modem for a Vagina

by darf

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Random, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Porn, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Fetish, Sex
Length: 6398

Baudy is a saucy, sexy little filly with a piece of telephony hardware where it counts. Now she's on a mission to explore Equestria... WITH SEXY RESULTS? Gasp! :o

Hi! My name's Baudy! I'm a cute little filly who loves fucking and getting fucked!

Do you wanna join my webring?

Here's a story about all my adventures in ponyville. See if you can keep up! Six green lights means it's on. ;)

'
Content Warning: Foalcon, anal, weird modem stuff

Updated daily if I can manage it. Let's see how far this one can go, shall we?

Published 2020-04-16 20:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-21 21:46:35 UTC

Chapter 1: Dating Profile

Anypony who knew anything about Baudy knew two things about her. Those things were as follows:

1) She was the most morally degenerate, depraved and perverted filly that had ever wandered the streets of Ponyville.

and,

2) She had a dial-up modem instead of a vagina.

Those were just the essentials though. If you got to know her better, there was a lot more to learn.

Fact number 3, for example:

Baudy loved anal.

That certainly wasn't much of a secret. She didn't exactly go around advertising it, but whenever asked, would respond with maybe a little too much unchecked enthusiasm. If you had fucked her before, you probably found out she liked having a cock in her ass, and a lot of ponies had fucked her by now.

What else?

Well, she liked music. She spent most of the time she wasn't fucking hanging out in her apartment, listening to tunes and surfing the internet on her built-in connection. She made a dating profile, and put it online on her personal website, which looked like a Geocities homepage from the 90s, complete with MIDI music and dancing 'UNDER CONSTRUCTION' gifs. This is what it looked like (the dating profile part, anyway):

MY SELF SUMMARY:

Hi. I'm a little filly named Baudy (get the pun? :p) who has too much time on her hooves and loves getting into trouble in the dark corners of the internet. Are you a scary foalaphile or creepy pervert looking for an innocent young girl to trick into your sexual fantasies? If so, hit me up! xD I bet we could have a great time together. You bring the lube ^_^

WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE:

Getting fucked, getting paid. More of the former than the latter. I need dick more than I need bits, y'know what I mean? xD

I'M REALLY GOOD AT

Fucking

Bucking

Rutting

Sucking Dick

TCP/IP Configuration

THE FIRST THING PONIES NOTICE ABOUT ME

My big, phat ass, usually :p

FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, MUSIC, AND FOOD:

Books: The Story of Neigh by Marequis De Saddle, On the Trail by Jack Saddle-pack

Movies: Honey I Shrunk the Foals, Shrek 2

Shows: idk whatever's on Neighflix

Music: Hardstyle, J-core, field recordings, Lightning Bolt—specifically this one performance of Dracula Mounta in a church where the drummer uses fricking FORCE POWERS to retrieve his drumstick, you really have to watch the video to understand the whole thing... (read more)

Food: Does 'cock' count as a food? Alright, banana smoothies then. :P

SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT:

Cock, dick, penis, schlong, cum, and a stable ethernet connection.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT:

Getting fucked, fucking, letting ponies fuck me, having sex with lots of ponies, having ponies cum in my ass, my face, all over my body... ooh, and my favorite MMO, HoofQuest! I just got to max level, soon I can start question for my epic human mount...

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM:

Getting my ass filled with cock :>

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I'M WILLING TO ADMIT

I don't have a loging password on my personal laptop :x

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF:

You wanna fuck

You love a naughty filly with a phat ass

You have unused ethernet cables or floppy disks lying around

a/s/l? ;)

And that was what you could know about Baudy if you looked her up on the internet, which wasn't hard to do, as a matter of fact.

Baudy liked to look at her dating profile before bed. If she got any messages, she would reply to them, usually enthusiastically, and if she got any replies to her replies, she would flirt as long as possible before falling asleep. She would usually rub herself back and forth on the bed and get very wet and hot and bothered but not cum. Then she would have fiery, naughty dreams and wake up in a pool of her own sweat and filly-juices. And if no one had responded to her messages or messaged her themselves, Baudy would masturbate and flick herself into standby and go to sleep.

There was the matter of her modem, too, but that's for another chapter.

Chapter 2: Special Talent

The other thing ponies didn't know all the time about Baudy was her special talent. Her cutie mark was a clue, but that was true for everypony, so it wasn't exactly helpful in this case. Not many other ponies had a plastic computer peripheral in place of their pussy, but that was only half the story. Baudy would tell the rest if she decided she liked you.

It was all about being plugged in.

Right now, Baudy was listening to music and surfing the internet on her laptop. She liked to sprawl out on her bed face down and place pillows under her stomach to lift herself up a little bit. Otherwise she got sore after a while of browsing. Her laptop was old, and covered in stickers and spray-paint, still running a barely stable version of Windows 98. Baudy loved her laptop, but she loved it like she suspected a parent loves a child who takes until age eight to potty train. It had been through a lot, though. And it was still here.

Sometimes Baudy liked to dance when she listened to music, but when she was really tired, which felt like a lot lately, she just enjoyed lying on her bed and letting the music sink into her head and fill her eyes and ears and thoughts up with all the different ways the music was moving and bouncing and intersecting with itself. Baudy liked music that had patterns in it, which was all music, technically, so maybe she just like music with patterns that were a bit more difficult to figure out at first.

Most of the time, Baudy felt like an alien from a different planet. She felt like every time she opened her eyes at the beginning of the day, she was a scientific specimen emerging from a cryogenic tube, pulling itself from the slippery nutrient-based slime and blinking stupidly in the face of a hundred blinding lights and prodding examiners. She dreamed about that a lot, and sometimes it was hard to tell when she was dreaming.

Baudy had found somepony online that she liked. That was easy enough, because she liked almost everypony, though whether or not she 'loved' them was a different matter. Even if you could justify a good ass-fucking as 'lovemaking', that didn't account for a whole lot of other history bundled up in that word. A very complex, very deceptive looking set of four letters. Baudy avoided it, most of the time. She really liked things, like noise rock and cinnamon toast and masturbating for strangers on the internet. But she didn't love them. That was too complex a series of quantum interactions to muddle with.

This pony wanted to meet her tonight, or technically this morning, as the time in the lower right corner of her laptop suggested it was indeed into the early hours of the next day, and Baudy had lost track of time looking for attention in chat rooms again.

It was a mildly difficult decision. Then the pony offered to pick her up, and the choice was obvious. If she barely had to move, just get up and drag herself to the pony's ride of choice, and then lurch her way to whatever flat surface in his apartment would be stable enough to hold her while she got rutted forcefully enough to keep her awake.

And there was an opportunity. For downloading.

So Baudy tidied herself up, to an extent, which mostly meant washing her face and hooves and brushing her teeth with the bubblegum toothpaste she kept on the bathroom sink. Even if her breath was going to smell like cum ten minutes later, it never hurt to make a nice first impression.

She put on her skirt—walking around the apartment naked was more fun than the alternative, so the skirt mostly just stayed around for trips outside—, and, on a whim, a cute little pair of thong underwear. She wondered why it was called a 'pair' when it was pretty clearly a single item of clothing. But it accented her butt nicely when she pulled it in, and the way it hung and clung over her white plastic and flashing lights was absurd and sexy all at once. To her, anyway.

She checked the modem too—made sure there was no dust or debris in any of the ports, that the dial was well-tuned and not squeaky. You needed to do much more upkeep when someone was back there fiddling all the time.

Everything checked out squeaky clean. Baudy packed a bottle of lube, an ethernet cable, and her laptop, into a small black bag she liked to carry with her on outings sometimes. Then she waited for the pony arrive, which only took about four minutes. He either lived close, or had driven very fast.

"Hey," he said when Baudy opened the door. He looked sweaty, but athletic. Maybe he'd run here. But, then, she could see his carriage just behind him.

Oh. And he'd brought...

"These are for you," he said. He handed her the bouquet of flowers (do ponies hand things, come to think of it, or do they hoof things?), which was a mix of red, purple, and pink, some roses mixed in with other things she couldn't name, but which looked beautiful and smelled a bit like a fruit punch on first inspection. She sniffed again, deeply, and caught a hint of the summer air buried in whatever mysterious machinations made the flowers fragrant in the first place.

"Thanks," she said. She smiled at him.

Two of her modem lights were already flickering.

A little romance never hurt, even when it came to online butt-fucking.

Chapter 3: Peer-to-Peer

Baudy walked into the pony's place like she'd lived there before. She found the couch immediately and kicked up on it, sprawling out with a pillow to cushion her head and taking up generally the entire length of the piece of furniture, which was a nice black leather-like material—hopefully not the real thing, Baudy thought.

The pony who owned the couch looked very similar, with a dark brown-black coat, a brown-red, dusty-looking mane with a little goatee-type beard, and a cutie mark of two pieces of paper being weighed on a scale. It seems the bit part ponies always get the office related cutie marks in this universe.

His eyes were a deep brown, and he smiled when he saw Baudy on the couch. He smiled extra big when he saw her from behind, waving her thong-clad ass at him under her skirt. If he looked extra hard, he could've seen just the peek of white plastic underneath, and the even-more hidden black circle port in the center of the plastic. But he was mostly focused on Baudy's butt, and after all, who could blame him?

Baudy noticed, and giggled, giving her butt an extra wiggle and bounce for the sudden audience. She crossed and uncrossed her hind-legs, showing off the crack of her ass and the way the red thong seemed to hug the inside of her curves, hinting at the tight, tiny butthole underneath.

The pony watching licked his lips. He looked hungry like he hadn't eaten in weeks—maybe in his whole life.

"You look great," he said.

Obviously, Baudy thought to herself.

"Thanks," she said. "You're cool too. This is a nice place. You get any porn channels on there?" She gestured to the flat-screen T.V., which was still for some reason referred to as a 'flat-screen' T.V., when many more contemporary synonyms existed, such as 'smart T.V.', 'HD T.V.', etc. etc...

"Uh, no, that's fine, you can call it a flat-screen if you want. The screen is pretty flat, aheh..."

"Right. Heh. But the porn channels?"

"Oh, yeah. I get a few. Wanna see?"

Baudy grinned devilishly at him.

"Now you're speaking my language. Got anywhere I can plug this in?" She held up her laptop and pointed to the ethernet port, and dangled the long yellow cable she'd brought with her other hoof.

"Um, I think there are some ports that look like that on the back of the router... what do you need it for, exactly?"

"Just wanna get a feel for the network, scope the internet traffic, maybe poke into your shared drives... just get a feel for who I'm dealing with, y'know?"

"Not, really no." The pony scratched his head. "Wouldn't you like, like to know my name first, or something?"

Baudy smacked her head theatrically and grinned.

"Oi! Doofus. Of course I would. You know I totally forget that bit all the time? I was still just mentally referring to you as 'FillyButtLover69' in my head." She smirked at him, and wiggled her butt again, bouncing her cheeks up and down and making her viewer sweat even more than he had been.

"You can, uh, call me that if you want to... but my real name's Paperweight."

"Paperweight... 'cuz you weigh papers, right?"

"Uh, no. I kind of just... stand on top of a big stack of paper and make sure it doesn't go anywhere. And when ponies need some paper, they ask me to move, and if they have the right form, I do, and they can get a piece of paper." He cleared his throat and adjusted a tie he wasn't wearing. "It's a very important job. Not just anypony could do it."

"Did you know your neighbour's been stealing your wi-fi?" Baudy asked. She was clicking through a flurry of file-trees and pages on her laptop. It looked like she was using one of those 'enter-the-matrix' style UIs they make for movies where the computer science is fudgy at best and psyche-shatteringly-awful in the other direction. Paperweight noticed a distinct "HACK THE GIBSON" button in the top left corner of the screen.

What the heck was a Gibson?

"Anyway, I'm almost done here. Do you wanna put on some tunes before we fuck?"

"Uh, sure. I have smart speakers, so you can just play something from my phone and it'll broadcast through the house—oh, yeah, you can take that."

Baudy had grabbed Paperweight's phone off the living room table and started flipping through it while he was speaking. She kicked her legs back and forth as she browed, showing off her butt and the thong inbetween every other movement.

"Decent stuff on here. Never heard of the Dame Megan's Band before though. They sound like dad-rock."

"How old did you say you were again?" Paperweight asked. He looked Baudy up and down twice while asking himself the same question in his head. How old did she look? Was it possible to have a filly's body with an adult mare's butt? Had science truly gone too far?

"Thirteen," Baudy said, sticking her tongue out from the corner of her mouth. "But I'll be thirteen and a half in April."

"You're barely older than my daughter..."

"Guess it'll be good to get out all those daddy-daughter issues by fucking me senseless then, huh?" Baudy flipped her laptop shut and tapped a track on Paperweight's phone's touch-screen. A slow, soft jazz took over the ambience of the apartment, with such an ambling, uncertain progression that it seemed the instruments were congealing out of shere coincidence rather than playing together intentionally. Baudy tilted her head back with her eyes closed and sighed as the sour saxophone notes mingled with each other and fought back and forth, refusing to harmonize cooperatively.

"Oh yeah," she said. "That's the good stuff."

Paperweight was tired of waiting, and for some reason seeing Baudy swept up in the current of a musical language he had never spoken lit a fire inside his loins. Yes, loins. We're in twenty-twenty, it's time to start saying 'loins'. Again.

"Oof... hey!" Baudy shouted and giggled as Paperweight lifted her up and propped her on the far end of the couch, her upper half hanging over and her butt straight up and squarely pointed in Paperweight's direction. He gave her cheeks a squeeze and kneaded them underneath her skirt, ruffling the fabric and causing Baudy to moan quietly into the couch-cushions. "Wait," she said. "Before you stick it in my ass, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to try something different..."

"Different?" Paperweight had already picked up his own bottle of lube and was squeezing a generous helping onto his erect cock, then spreading it up and down before adding another coat. Lube or no lube, he could tell one he shoved inside Baudy's little butthole, he was going to get all the friction he needed.

Though... different could be good.

Baudy nodded over her shoulder.

"Uh-huh. I could show you my special talent."

"What kind of special talent?" Paperweight stroked his shaft idly with one hoof, still eyeing Baudy's booty and twitching every time she bounced her cheeks up like two beautiful halves of marshmallow.

"My hardware. It can do tricks. I can download you."

"Download me?"

"Lemme show you," Baudy said.

She spun around on the couch so that she was lying on her back, facing towards Paperweight. She lifted up her skirt, revealing the red thong underneath, then pushed that to the side to, finally offering a proper peek at the telephony accessory in the place an average filly's quivering slit would be.

Even though he lived in Equestria, and was used to absurd happenings on a daily basis, Paperweight took a moment.

Huh, he said to himself.

Weird.

But... kind of hot?

"Look right there," Baudy said. She gestured with her hoof to a small circular spot in the center of her plastic protrusion. It's important to visualize here: the modem is inlaid, following her stomach up just a bit, and the rest is down between her legs, sunken into her pelvis. It doesn't protrude much, it's not like a dong, she doesn't have a futa-modem-cock. It's just a modem, and it's, like, kind of there, and look, really, if I was an artist, I'd draw you a picture. I really would. Please just do your best to visualize your own version.

But this special spot. I can help you with that.

As Paperweight stared at her, Baudy spread herself with both hooves and tapped at what, upon close inspection, could be revealed to be a black, plastic, circular cover to an identically-sized circular opening. Baudy lifted the cover, and a black hole peered back at Paperweight.

"That's my penis port," she said simply. "It changes size based on the... well, you know. And if you give me a little time—my download rate isn't the fastest, heh—I can learn all about you just from a little data exchange." She smiled up at him. "In fact, if you cum, I can make a full copy for storage, and remember you forever... heheh." She licked her lips, then scrunched up her face, as though she'd suddenly remembered a forgotten shopping list item. "Uh... sorry. Was that creepy?"

"A little," Paperweight said. "But I'm still interested. You're saying I just have to shove my dick in there—" he pointed incredulously to the small circular port on Baudy's modem, and she squealed and rocked her hips up at him as though he'd tickled her clit. "—and you'll be able to, like... know what my favorite colour is or something?"

"I'll be able to imitate you perfectly," Baudy said, smiling without blinking. "I'll know just what it takes to make you cum, over and over and over again, your deepest, darkest fantasies, the things you'd never tell anypony but want them to know so, so bad..."

"How do I sign up," Paperweight said. He pushed his cock forward curiously and prodded the tip at the entrance to Baudy's penis port, which made her groan and wiggle her hips back and forth.

Baudy giggled and stared down at the cock poised to slide into her tiny hole. "Easy," she said. "Just stick it in me real good." She put one hoof on either side of her port and made to spread wider, though that didn't seem possible with a piece of solid hardware. Still, maybe it was big enough to fit his cock in there... maybe?

"Come on," Baudy said. "Stick your big adult cock in my illegal, underage filly port."

"That sounded so perfect except for the last word," Paperweight said. "But fuck it. I'm as hard as I'm going to get. Ready to take this dick, you little code-monkey?"

"Ready for repeated driver installation, sir," Baudy said, smirking.

Without much else to wait for, Paperweight pushed his penis forward. It slid in past the tip, very tight, almost like someone was clenching around him with both hooves. If he slid forward, would more go inside? Only one way to find out...

"Oooh, that's it, nice and slow," Baudy said. She stared down between her legs as Paperweight slid his cock forward, the girth somehow vanishing into the apparently miniature port, the plastic cover hanging and dangling in a silly way off to the side. "Buck yes. Fill me up with that cock, Daddy."

This is so weird, Paperweight thought.

"This is so weird," Paperweight said. "Your ass looks amazing."

"Mhmm, yes Daddy, why don't you spank it for me?" Baudy wiggled her rump back and forth and smacked one of her own butt-cheeks with her hoof. "I've been a naughty girl... I downloaded a lossless music torrent and ran up our data bill again, mhmmm..."

"You want me to spank you?" Paperweight asked. Somehow the experience of meeting, finding, and fucking an underage filly with an out-of-this-world ass and modem-for-a-pussy was taking a heavy toll on him—not in terms of willpower, but just how long could he keep the thread of things before he turned into a horny, gibbering mess? He could already feel his hips screaming to move forward, his balls twitching and surging full up with cum... and he was still going slow, just because he didn't want to hurt the poor thing, or break her modem, or whatever...

But that was it. He was all the way in. He'd shoved his cock inside a port on the side of a modem attached to an underage filly.

It felt like she was sucking him dry.

Pulling back out was a struggle. So tight, and still so wet, whether it was the lube or some kind of unknown moisture being secreted inside, he didn't know and didn't care. All that mattered was how snugly she held his cock, squeezing every inch as he drew back his hips, and then clenching even harder when he slid in again, the pressure on his head so much he almost couldn't manage the first inch. Eventually, his cockhead slid in, and then the rest of his shaft, but it was an intense journey, gritting his teeth and groaning under his breath, and when he pulled back each subsequent time, he made sure to leave the head of his cock inside.

"Oh, buck," Baudy said. She reached a hoof down to the side of her modem and began gently twiddling a dial, slowly moving it from the lowest setting to the highest, then back down, each in gentle, rocking spurts of motion. "That feels so good. I feel like I'm gonna bucking factory reset if you keep doing that."

"Is that... good?" Paperweight asked between thrusts and grunts.

"Hell yeah!" Baudy said. She slapped her own ass again and giggled. "That means you fucked me up real good. Come on, go for broke. Bust a nut in my network card!"

Paperweight found his balls, which were slapping against Baudy's ass over and over again as he fucked her, and finally gave her butt-cheeks a few slaps as well, only one hard enough to leave a mark. Baudy squealed at each one regardless, and her eyes rolled back in her head in tandem with Paperweight's thrusts, hard enough to rock the couch and almost drown out the avant-garde horn-blowing.

"I'm gonna cum," Paperweight said. "It's standard practice in this part of Equestria to let everypony know that beforehand—er, beforehoof, just in case they want to have the load somewhere different, or just so they can be prepared in advance—"

"Shoot it all over my externals. I want the cum to drip into the exhaust port."

"Fuck," Paperweight said. He pulled out, already cumming, and sprayed Baudy down like he was painting the exterior of a house. A long pool of the spray dripped out and over the circular port in the center of the side of her modem, but a decent amount of it also went into the modem itself, sliding down the casing and clouding the lights, which were blinking back and forth in seemingly almost-random combinations of orange and green.

On the stereo, somepony who had been dead for a long time tried to make his instrument sound beautiful.

Chapter 4: Data Flank

One thing Baudy liked to do when she was at home was browse the internet for other ponies who had a similar physical makeup to her own. Ponies with other things in place of their vaginas, penises, ponies who lived on the internet as a second home... that was where Baudy liked to hang out.

The pony she was talking to right now was a cute little filly with a bright yellow coat and curly, off-peach coloured mane that spilled around her face like somepony had dumped a colorful load of whipped cream on her head. Her cutie mark was a well-sharpened pencil, and her name was Spindy. 'Because I like to spin', she explained to Baudy.

'Cool,' Baudy said. 'What else do you like to do?'

The pony behind Baudy grunted as he slammed himself into her underage butt.

Baudy smirked at him over her shoulder, then turned her attention back to her laptop.

'Well,' Spindy said through the old fashioned instant-messaging program, 'I really like meeting pony-perverts and teasing them. I like getting them all hot and bothered and hard until they can't take anymore, and then I spread my legs and show them my spot and dare them to shove it in if they really want to that badly.'

Instead of a vagina, Spindy had a pencil-sharpener for a pussy.

'That's super hot,' Baudy typed back, pausing between bounces of her butt to move her hooves between the keys and deleting the extra letters she pressed by mistake. 'How many of them go for it?'

'About two in every three :p,' Spindy said. 'I think there's a website for this kind of thing. 'Dontstickyourdickinthat.com'? I was their site mascot for a while.'

'That's totally cool,' Baudy typed.

The pony behind her was grunting extra loud and slamming himself into her butt-cheeks with reckless abandon, enough to shake the bed and jostle her laptop uncontrollably.

"Gonna cum?" she asked over her shoulder.

"Yep," the pony said through another grunt. "Where do you... want it?"

"In my butt's fine," Baudy said nonchalantly. She clicked through a few new web-pages as the pony in her ass crested the final hill to his climax and began to shoot a hot load inside her butt. "Ooh," she said, her first hint of emotion at the sex since it had started happening. "Feels like you saved up a lot."

"Haven't fucked anypony... in three weeks..." the pony said, sweat pouring off his brow as the last few spurts of his cum shot up Baudy's insides and painted her butt-cheeks with the last line of creamy white.

Baudy giggled as the pony pulled off her and began wiping up, the sweat on his head and the cum and filly-juice on the end of his cock. Baudy's lights were blinking in a procession, starting one and then following all the way to the end, off and on before they relit. She liked to flicker her lights when she was having a lot of fun.

'We should totally meet up some time,' Spindy said, her colorful avatar blinking and smiling through the IM program. 'I bet it'd be super fun. We could cruise for some old guys and totally milk them for their cum! Bet I can get more than you ;)'

Baudy jiggled her butt and shook off a drip off long, sticky cum onto the bed.

'You're on,' she typed back, grinning.

Chapter 5: DUN NAH, NAH-NAH-NAH, DUN-NUH, NAH-NAH

"Do you ever have that thing happen where you really love a song and you're listening to it, usually in the morning, and you want to show it to someone else and communicate how important it is to you, but even if they listen to it or watch the video or whatever, and even if they like the song, you can tell there's no way they connected with it as much as you did?" Baudy asked.

The dark-green unicorn lying beside her on the bed shrugged.

"No, not really."

"It happens to me all the time," Baudy said. She sat up at the head of the bed, then picked up her laptop and placed it on her lap. Go figure. "Can I show you what I'm talking about? There's this one song with this one video that I feel like is special, just perfect or spiritual or something... will you watch it with me?"

"I'm not really in the mood to get up, to be totally honest—"

"Aw, come on! I let you cum in my ass twice, the least you could do is watch a video—"

"I paid for both times, actually, so right now I think I'm just gonna lie here and relax until I'm hard again, then we can go one more round (which I also paid for, if I recall), and I'll take off. How about that?"

Baudy frowned. The lights on her modem were flickering a mix of orange and red. Yes, just like that one movie with that guy from space who has a light-bulb on his head that lights up when he's angry. It's a useful narrative device to—

Okay, sorry.

"Alright, fine. How about I bring the video over to you, and I'll give you half-off the next time you wanna do it raw in my ass?"

"Three-quarters," the pony said, rolling his head lazily onto his outstretched hoof.

"Sixty-forty?"

"Deal."

Baudy dragged the laptop to the other end of the bed and curled up behind the green pony, who had picked up and lit a cigarette and was taking the first drag. Baudy eyed him with an eyebrow raised.

"My chassis doesn't like smoke," she said, frowning. "It leaves stains."

"I'll be sure not to blow any smoke directly on your pussy then."

"It's a modem, not a pussy," Baudy said huffily.

"Are you gonna play the video?"

Baudy sighed. Today she was not in very good control of her sim-self. She'd been making poor decisions all day, and her happiness meter was at an all time low.

Maybe the video would help.

"The first thing is that the band is called Lightning Colt. Lightning Colt. Can you believe it?"

"What's so hard to believe about that?" The unicorn blew out a puff of smoke towards the ceiling, but half of it branched off and floated over Baudy's face.

She squinted into the cloud and wafted it away with a hoof, nose wrinkled.

"It's a pun," she said glumly. "And it's just... a 'Lightning Bolt' and 'Lightning Bolt Elemental' were cards in a game I played when I was really little. It's like... they're the embodiment of that energy. Just listen."

"I thought I had to watch too?"

"That's what I meant. Sorry."

Baudy pressed play on the video.

"Okay," she said, before even a second had passed on the play bar. "Before it even starts... they're playing in a church. How funny is that?"

"What's a church?"

"It's like a place where ponies go to talk about Princess Celestia. And sing about her. And worship her, I guess. Maybe."

"So why is that funny?"

Baudy sighed again.

"Nevermind. I'll try to remember to talk less."

She pressed play again.

"The pony on the drums is named Chippy," she said. "Well, his real name is 'Chipped Hoof', and the other pony's name is 'Golden Hoof', so I call that one 'Chippy' and that one 'Goldy'." Baudy smiled for the first time since bringing up the subject of the video. She also remembered to try and talk less.

"Look how he drops his stick right at the beginning," she said.

The pony playing drums in the video did, indeed, drop his stick. Just one. And he kept playing.

"Look how he's reaching out his hoof. He doesn't have a horn. So he can't magic it back up. But he's doing it anyway," Baudy said. She pointed to the screen, even though she was describing just what was happening plain-as-day on the video in front of her. The angle was a bit cramped, admittedly, but it felt a little like narrating a play where the actors are already giving monologues explaining their motivations and weaknesses. A bit like real life in Equestria, then.

"And then that little unicorn colt behind him helps him pick it up," she said quietly, almost just to herself. "And he looks at his friend after a few seconds like, 'What? Did that just actually happen?' Oh my gosh I bet he was so excited then. I bet his freaking head almost exploded."

The green unicorn yawned between drags of his cigarette.

"Is this a long video?" he asked.

"About seven minutes," Baudy said, glancing at the timer.

"You'd better be really enthusiastic next time," he said. "And available soon. I had to wait three weeks to get an appointment with you."

"What can I say? My schedule just filled up all of a sudden."

Baudy was quiet and watched the video for a bit.

Still mostly mute, under her breath, she sang along to the song without words.

She tensed in the moment of silence at about a minute.

"Oh," she said. She clutched to the green unicorn from behind and propped her head up, resting her chin on his shoulder. "This is my favorite part, maybe. Listen."

"I'm listening."

Baudy waited.

'This is good,' she repeated to herself, in sync with the video.

'YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—'

Baudy shivered.

"It gives me chills," she said, wrapping her hind-legs around the unicorn's stomach.

"Why?" he asked.

"I don't know."

The music exploded out of the tinny laptop speakers uninterrupted for a while. Describing it was like trying to put a moving painting of a thunderstorm in a bottle. Telling you what it sounded like would be giving gum to a blind person to explain colours. Look with your face. Experience with your experience-machine.

"I have that band tee," Baudy whispered.

"Wanna wear it next time we fuck?"

"No thanks. I'd rather not get it dirty."

"Alright, fine."

Camera shaking conveys motion. You can feel the audience head-bang as the video bobs up and down. Or you just get disoriented and wonder what the hell kind of sonic disturbance you've accidentally allowed to possess your computer for a duration.

'It looks like something special,' Baudy thought. 'Maybe that's what the word 'religious' is supposed to mean?'

The song is called 'Dracula Mountain'. It might mean something, or it might just be some funny words next to each other.

Take yourself to a place. Put yourself in a destination and sit there. Observe what is around you, write it down, and then show it to someone else.

Congratulations. You have been alive for at least this long.

The way he changes the cymbal chokes makes me a little wet, Baudy said in her head. Greeny over here didn't deserve the full dialogue.

"Is this almost over? I've got a half-chub and if you can work your mouth, I'm pretty sure we can finish up business in about ten minutes or so. Then I've gotta get back to work. I'm technically on the clock for another three hours."

"I guess nopony missed you so far," Baudy said, her voice low and bitter.

"Hmm?"

"Nothing," she said sweetly. She batted her eyelashes and snuggled against the unicorn, which seemed to melt away the hint of suspicion.

"Almost over," Baudy said to him. The timer on the video was indeed creeping towards its predestined conclusion. Don't go getting existential about video timers on us here, old bean.

I've never seen somepony explode like that before.

You can do a lot with your body.

Why are we lying here doing anything other than making music?

Because making music costs a lot of money. And you're poor. And horny.

I'm only a little horny.

Get those bitties. Dolla dolla bits, y'all. Bits rule everything around me, B.R.E.A.M.—

Alright. I'm stopping you before you butcher that one any further.

"Let's go," Baudy said, jumping up on the bed and tucking her laptop shut. "You said ten minutes?" She wiggled her butt, the lights of her modem dancing in a suggestive pattern. "I bet I can do it in five."

Turned out she was quite generously over-estimating in this case.

Author's Note

sorry for how self-indulgent this chapter is. but then again, isn't the whole story more or less that?

lightning bolt rules :pinkiecrazy:

Chapter 6: At Least She Didn't Dead

Today Baudy got up and didn't see a reason to get out of bed. So she got up, took some sleeping pills, and went back to sleep. And when she woke up again in the middle of the night, she got up, took some more sleeping pills, and went back to sleep.

She did that for three days.

Author's Note

This happened to me once but then dead

Chapter 7: Oops

Baudy woke up. She sat up in her bed.

"I have to go now. My planet needs me," she said.

Wooooosh.

The end.

Author's Note

Note: Baudy died on the way back to her home planet.

(She's dead/on hiatus until she isn't. Sorry, no more updates for a bit.)