Happy Harbor House was one of the longest established orphanages in Canterlot - founded halfway through Celestia's reign, it had weathered scandal and budget shortfall and disasters both natural and not to continue to serve the ponies of Equestria.
The House itself was a hodge-podge structure, with the original small Tudor-styled building still serving as the offices and main entryway. On either side had risen expansions to what had first been built, neither matching either the House's center nor each other. The demands of Equestria's growing population (and similar growth in tragic youth) didn't care about aesthetics - but the House still managed a certain air of respectability. It was mismatched and sloppy, but the building glowed with generations of care, love and pride. The windows always sparkled, the garden was meticulously weeded, and the air was full of children's laughter in spite of their lot in life.
Star - more properly Wishing Star - knew the House inside and out. She had grown up in it, after all. One of the unending parade of children in need, she had spent a decade of her life within the House's halls before deciding to dedicate her adult years to it as well. In time, she had inherited control of the House and all within it - her kin in a way few ponies could comprehend.
Her kin that every day she strove to remove from her care.
Each day dawned with the hope that one of the foals within the House would end the day under another roof - many would never get that, but it was always the hope.
And that hope, today, came up the walk in the form of a drab stallion and an even drabber mare.
"Welcome," Star warmly greeted, "To Happy Harbor House."
The stallion - who on closer inspection was a frightfully dull beige - looked around. His bowl cut fluttered in the light breeze. "Technically, the nearest body of water capable of supporting a harbor is at the base of the mountain, making the name inaccurate."
"It's a metaphor," noted the mare with a voice so flat it could have been used as quality control for levels. "It means it's a safe place for ponies like a harbor is a safe place for boats."
The stallion didn't argue the point, but his slight snort made clear that he and metaphors did not deign to share a zip code.
Star's smile wavered a little. "Ah, yes. Please.. please come in."
She guided the pair inside, taking the usual path for prospective new families - not a direct way to her office, but instead a more meandering route. It gave a chance for them to see the small playground that had been set up two generations ago in the back courtyard - a chance to see the children at play.
Of course, that just raised more questions for Star. Neither of the two ponies with her so much as glanced at the children. Normally prospects were eager to take a look, often cooing and laughing over their view of the House's residents. Some went as far as making their choices just off those first moments seen through the glass. But not this time, it seemed. The couple didn't react at all.
Arriving at Star's cramped office, they took their seats opposite her own. The desk was ancient, having been given to the House's matron almost a hundred years before as a gift. A titan of polished oak, it bore the scars of thousands of children at play and hundreds of thousands of hours of diligent work. Under their hooves was a far newer carpet - a gentle deep blue not too different from Star's own coat. And all around them were the effects of the House, most notably the side walls. On the north was a gallery of photographs, each depicting one of the foals under Star's care. On the south? A similar wall, but this time of the last five year's worth of those who had found their families.
"So." Star tapped her hooves together to punctuate the beginning of the interview. "You would be Maud Pie and Mud Briar?"
The pair nodded.
"Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourselves and your situation?"
Maud started off slowly, unrushed and strategically neutral. "We just got married recently."
Star's amber eyes lit up. "Oh! Congratulations!"
"Thank you," Maud stated without emotion.
"I'm not surprised you didn't immediately know. We've had some problems with that." Mud Briar managed to sound only a little bit haughty as he said it. "We opted to retain our family names after the wedding rather than change one, which has caused some confusion."
Maud nodded. "Yes. But it was the right choice."
Mud Briar nodded right back at her. "It was. Maud Briar sounds too silly."
"And despite how much I love you, Mud Pie doesn't suit a stallion of your stature," Maud stated with a complete lack of emotion.
Star did her letter best to keep smiling. "Ah, yes. Well! Still, congratulations. Happy Harbor House is always glad to see ponies building happy families. I'll admit, it's a little unusual to have newlyweds come here, though. At least not without, ah... extenuating circumstances?"
The couple didn't even bat an eye, though it was unclear to Star if this was because they'd anticipated the question or if they were simply that stoic. "Neither of us has procreative issues," Mud Briar simply stated.
Maud slowly blinked. "At all." Her lips curled very slightly into the most understated smug smile Equestria had ever seen.
There was a pause as Star shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
"However." Mud Briar swooped in to save the conversation. "After discussing the situation and giving it proper analysis, we have decided that there are already a significant number of foals in Equestria that require families and the most efficient way to handle our desire is to acquire one of them."
Another pause. "Well. That's certainly... a way to put it," Star tactfully decided on. But after the hesitation, she brightened again. "But good! You're far from the only couple that has chosen to expand their family that way. And it's always a pleasure to help!" Reaching to the side, she pulled out several folders. "I'm certain that you'll find just the right foal here at Happy Harbor House. We can start by--"
"Actually." Maud's interruption crushed Star's words and enthusiasm. "We already know which foal we want." She pulled a folder of her own out of her dull frock, sliding it across the desk.
The abbreviated name on the folder's tab made Star's heart stutter. Opening the folder confirmed the identity and made it stop completely.
Awkward silence reigned.
"Cozy Glow." It took several seconds more for Star's mind to get to the next stage of the terrified reboot. "You want to adopt Cozy Glow."
"Yes." Maud's response was as simple and inflexible as her gaze.
"Cozy Glow," Star repeated again.
"Yes." Mud Briar's similarly simple response mirrored Maud's.
She took a long, deep breath. Star's eyes looked to the northern wall and an empty spot among the pictures - a place she knew was empty not because the foal had been adopted but because they would never be. Or so she'd thought.
Her smile pushed to the surface - far more brittle than before. "I'm sorry. You just took me by surprise. Cozy was a difficult foal even before she earned her scholarship to the Princess' school." Star didn't elaborate on that - what had happened to the young pegasus was a matter not just of public record but of historical chronicles. "That somepony would want to adopt her now is simply... well, unexpected!" She laughed and found it not echoed by the other two.
Clearing her throat, Star pressed back to business. "Alright, I suppose the next step is for us to speak to Princess Twilight. Anything about Cozy is going to have to involve her."
Mud Briar reached over and tapped the folder with his hoof. "If you would consult page nine, you will find that we have anticipated this issue and resolved it in advance."
A whiplashed Star turned to the ninth page - and found it exactly as Mud Briar said. A letter - on Palace letterhead and bearing an official seal - declaring that Cozy Glow was to be allowed leave from her current sentence and would be given opportunity for adoption by Dr. Maudileena Daisy Pie and Mister Mud Briar. At the bottom was Princess Twilight Sparkle's signature, glimmering with just a hint of magic to show it was both official and signed by her personally.
"I... but..." The Princess' involvement in Cozy Glow was expected. But Star looked at the two rather drab ponies before her and couldn't make the connection.
Helpfully, Maud clarified with just a few simple words. "Pinkie Pie is my sister."
And then it clicked for Star. "Oh. Ooooh." Not an expected in, but being related to an Element of Harmony certainly explained why the Princess had trusted these two.
"Once we decided begin our family, Pinkie Pie was a very strong proponent of helping us," Mud Briar lectured. "Particularly once she discovered our intent to adopt. While using one's family for leverage is undesirable, it has allowed us the opportunity to find our perfect daughter."
Maud and Mud Briar reached out, taking hold of each other's hooves and giving one another a loving (if expressionless) squeeze.
With a few more flips, Star quickly glanced through the remainder of the packet. "Well. Normally the next step would be reviewing your life situation and evaluating your ability to handle a foal, but I suppose if Princess Twilight has given you direct approval we can bypass that." She sighed. "Honestly, it may be better this way. I'm not sure how to evaluate if somepony is ready to deal with Cozy Glow."
"If it assists your duties, both Maud and myself are gainfully employed, she has her Rocktorate and our home is both spacious enough for a third pony as well as located in a good neighborhood." Mud Briar puffed out his chest with slight pride.
Maud pulled out her wallet, unfolding a long string of pictures. "It's a very nice cave." She hoofed over one photo in particular. "You can see it well in this one, behind Boulder and Twiggy playing."
Star's eye twitched at the picture of the pets. "It looks like a wonderful... cave."
"We try to make sure it's warm and loving," Maud noted. "And not simply because of how the subsurface magma flow heats the cavern complex."
Another twitch. "That's wonderful to hear." Star closed the folder back up. "There's going to be plenty of paperwork to be done, but I'm sure we can worry about that later. The important thing is to start the process of integrating your new family together. I'll just arrange for Cozy to be freed from her statue and we can--"
"No."
Every car in Star's train of thought derailed at Maud's verbal penny on the tracks. "...What?"
"We're not unpetrifying her," Maud clarified entirely unhelpfully.
Mud Briar motioned with his chin to the folder again. "Page seventeen. By the Princess' permission, we are adopting Cozy Glow in her current form."
Papers flew as Star opened up the folder again and turned to the aforementioned page. She looked at the stationary and the seal; read the short text; verified the lightly glimmering signature.
Then Wishing Star's eye-twitch returned and she started to laugh in a decidedly unhinged fashion.
The banner hanging over Sugarcube Corner made no secret of the reason for the party - giant bright letters that read WELCOME TO PONYVILLE AND YOUR NEW FAMILY COZY GLOW were rather hard to misinterpret. That did not, however, make the situation less ridiculous.
"Ah think Twilight's lost her mind," Applejack summarized over her glass of punch.
Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement.
Both watched from the edge of the festivities as the happy family sat at the central table. Well - Maud and Mud Briar sat at the table. Cozy was resting on a small plinth next to them. She had dressed up for the occasion, a garland of flowers around her neck and a bright blue party hat strapped to her unmoving head. Pinkie Pie was pronking nearby, creating a tight orbit around her new niece and doing her letter best to keep the party merry. Which was admittedly a challenge, as the crowd of ponies were looking increasingly concerned as time went by and it sunk in that this really was about adopting a statue.
Ponyville had long since accepted that the couple was odd. After all, Maud was a Pie and Mud Briar was willingly with a Pie. So some eccentricities were expected and often even approved of. Ponyville was used to a certain amount of strangeness by this point.
Adopting a world-famous criminal? Worrisome but this was also a community where Starlight Glimmer was one of the most prominent ponies.
Adopting an inanimate object? That pushed it from 'eccentric' to 'weird'.
But the happy family was undeterred, and nothing would suppress Pinkie Pie's happiness for her sister. So the party continued in a riot of balloons and cake and very awkward side-glances.
But not every moment at the party was one of revelry and cheer.
The guests made their rounds, each and all taking a turn to say hello to the new family and give their (often awkward) congratulations. The words were rote - until Fluttershy came up.
She smiled softly, and Maud had a slight movement of the corners of her lips that could generously be described as smile-adjacent. Clearing her throat, the gentle pegasus said one word. "Discord?"
The air roiled and twisted as Discord poked through the fabric of spacetime and manifested into existence. "Yes, Fluttershy?"
With a small nod, she indicated the family. "Discord, Maud said she wanted to talk to you." She innocently gave no indication that she already knew what was going to be said, as she was Kindness rather than Honesty.
A faint look of disgust washed over Discord's face at the grey mare's extreme neutrality, though he tried to restrain it. "Oh really." Crossing his arms over his chest, the draconequus waited. "And just what would that be?"
"Discord." Maud stepped out from the table to stand beside her petrified daughter. "I know you don't know a lot about ponies. But we're mortal. Things can happen to us, and it's important to make sure the ones we love are taken care of. Mud Briar and I are going to give Cozy the best family and the best life we can. But." She set a gentle hoof on her daughter-statue. "If something does happen to us, we want you and Fluttershy to be Cozy's godparents."
Discord furrowed his brow. "I... I don't understand." He looked between Maud, Mud Briar, Cozy and Fluttershy - his eyes briefly leaving his head to make the full circuit. "Shouldn't you be asking Pinkie?"
Mud Briar shook his head. "Pinkie Pie has already agreed to serve such a role with the Cake twins and additional duties would be an undue burden on her."
"And," Maud added, "She's going to have foals of her own soon." That managed a full smile from her. "We want to make sure that whoever is going to play that role for Cozy will be strong enough to care for her when we're not there and a good influence on her when we are. We think that's you."
Sputtering, Discord stared at their three impassive faces (and one softly smiling one) and found no joke there. "Well-- I-- But--" He half-growled before pouting and turning away. "I'll consider it." And with a snap of his fingers, he was gone.
A few steps and Maud eased up beside Fluttershy. "Do you think he will?"
With an enigmatic smile on her face, Fluttershy nodded. "That was his way of saying yes, he would be honored. And... thank you, Maud. I think this will be just what he needs to learn a little more responsibility."
"And start him thinking about foals." Maud maintained her total lack of expression.
Fluttershy blushed. "Erm, well, still. Thank you. I know we weren't your first choices."
Maud shook her head. "No. But you were high on the list. What was I going to do, give her to Rainbow Dash?"
The six ponies (and one dragon) of the Council of Friendship chatted energetically over their lunch. The difficult choices in guiding Equestria were out of the way now - the big issues that needed proper discussion and potential research. Now it was time for them to catch up on lost time and enjoy each other's company.
Twilight swallowed the last of her third cupcake. "Say, Pinkie Pie? How are Maud and Mud Briar doing anyway? Last I heard you were preparing for their party - I'm sorry I couldn't be there but how did it go?"
Ecstatic giggles slipped out from the party planner. "It went amazing! The party was huge and everypony was there and I've never seen Maud so happy!" Just remembering the look on Maud's face brought a squeal of joy to Pinkie's lips.
Nodding eagerly, Twilight asked the next obvious question. "And Cozy Glow?"
"She's kinda still a sourpuss," Pinkie admitted. "But I think she'll warm up soon! If anypony can crack that hard shell, it's my sister."
There was a momentary pause in the conversation. Applejack shared a quick look with Rainbow Dash before speaking up. "Beggin' your pardon, Twilight, but Ah gotta ask. What the hey were you thinkin'? Cozy gettin' a chance to have a better life, well. That's understandable to try. But as a statue?"
Twilight looked between her friends - three looked back with understanding and three with understandable confusion. "Actually, it was Fluttershy that helped me realize it." For a moment everypony looked to the (now lightly blushing) pegasus before the alicorn continued. "She talked to me about Discord - about how he was awake inside the stone. He was aware of what happened around himself. And that's when I understood."
"I can't let Cozy out," she explained. "She's tried to take over Equestria twice and she's already broken out of Tartarus. She's too dangerous to let her be free. But even locked away in stone, she can tell what's going on around her. And I thought..." Twilight looked between her friends with a gentle smile. "I thought that a good first step would be to show her what it was like to have a loving family."
Understanding sparkled in Applejack's eyes at the answer. "Ah think Ah get it now."
The Princess smiled wider. "I thought you would. I was fortunate, as well, that Pinkie told me about how Maud and Mud Briar were talking about a family of their own. If anypony could overlook Cozy's problems, it would be them."
Cheerfully, Pinkie lept to her sister's support. "Yeah! Maud's not gonna give up on Cozy just because she's got a dark past!"
Twilight's smile wavered for a moment. "Yes, Pinkie, that's exactly what I meant." She soldiered forward. "Despite their.... quirks, they're the perfect couple to help Cozy. They're loving and patient; intelligent and kind; generous and loyal and, well, you know." They all shared a little laugh at that.
"Maud has never let us down." Twilight didn't need to even glance to know the others were nodding in agreement. "And Mud Briar proved himself - when Silverstream was lost in the Everfree, he didn't hesitate. Despite not being a powerful unicorn like Starlight Glimmer or a--" She swallowed back a little bile. "An established hero like Trixie, Mud Briar stepped up and risked himself for a creature he'd never met. Even putting aside how Maud feels about him, that tells me all I need to know about his quality."
Dash raise a hoof. "C'mon, Twi, none of us were ever doubting Maud and Mud Briar. They're awesome ponies despite being, you know.. themselves. We get it. They're a good pick."
Applejack nodded in agreement. "And you know Ah agree that a good family's a solid base for Cozy to rebuild her life around. Hopefully this'll point her the right way."
"And if not, Maud's tooooootally okay with Cozy how she is already!" Pinkie beamed with joy, even though all the others simply sighed and shook their heads.
Weeks passed, and the family settled into their lives. Ponyville, as well, settled in and managed to deal with the unusual situation. (It was helped that the next semester at the School of Friendship started up, bringing in a new wave of disparate species to further raise the town's weirdness quotient.)
It was the late afternoon - Maud and Mud Briar sat in their cave, watching Cozy play with Boulder and Twiggy by the edge of the pool.
"She really has taken a liking to them," Maud commented. "I was worried that having to share time with Twiggy would make Boulder jealous."
Mud Briar nodded in agreement. "Yes. We underestimated their moral character." Reaching over, he put a foreleg across Maud's withers. "I believe this means we are raising them right."
Leaning in, Maud nuzzled her husband impassively. "Maybe Boulder and Twiggy. We have a long way to go with Cozy. She's still learning to be part of a family."
"Our family," Mud Briar pedantically corrected.
"Our family," Maud agreed before kissing his cheek.
Author's Note
I originally wrote this for the Cozy Glow contest. Buuuut then they said things like 'you need to use the prompts' and 'our judges enjoy dark, philosophical and introspective stories'.
So now it's just absurdist comedy for the sake of absurdist comedy. With a dash of heartwarming for flavor.
(This probably should have been longer but it's actually rather hard to write a story based around a one-note joke when there's three characters, two of which don't emote and the third is literally a rock.)
