If asked, Twilight would unequivocally say that Discord was a friend and had embraced friendship in a way that even most ponies hadn't. While he was... quirky, there was no denying that he had good intentions in his heart and did his best for those he cared for.
She just wished he would do so at normal hours.
Looking up from her bed, the Princess - Sovereign of Equestria, Friendship Incarnate, Keeper of the Sun and Moon, Protector of the etcetera etcetera etcetera - glared with a mixture of annoyance and sleepiness at the draconequus hovering directly over her. In, no less, a bed that perfectly mirrored her own on the ceiling. He glared back at her with an expression almost identical - except for the fact that he couldn't entirely hold back his own smiling mirth.
"It's three AM," Twilight sleepily observed.
"Time is an illusion," countered Discord. "Lunchtime doubly--"
"Three. A. M." Twilight held back the urge to banish him to the moon until dawn. "Lunch is almost half a day away. Can we get to the point?" Telling him to leave would just make him more determined to stay, so placating the chaos spirit was the fastest way to get back to bed.
Discord slithered down, curling around a conveniently existing bedpost before lounging on a chaise at Twilight's bedside. "What's the rush? You make it sound like you've got somewhere to be."
Twilight ground her teeth. "Yes. Asleep." The last word came out far angrier than she'd intended (to show), and she took a moment to close her eyes and count to twenty. (Ten never was enough for dealing with Discord.) Then Twilight tried again. "Discord, I'm sure that you came here for an important reason. How can I help you with it?"
Crossing his arms over his chest, Discord harumphed and looked away. "You only want to help me so I'll leave."
She hesitated. "Not only," Twilight admitted. "But I'm still offering to help. And you wouldn't have come here if you didn't need me to."
Twilight knew she'd scored a solid hit when Discord's face briefly screwed into a snarl. But in a testament to how far he'd come, it only lasted a moment. "I need your help to get a Hearth's Warming gift for Fluttershy."
Silence hung for almost a minute.
"At Three AM?!""
Discord's claws shot up in surrender. "It's the only time I can get free without her noticing! I had to sneak past four owls and a family of possums so I could get outside and snap without waking her up."
It was a reasonable excuse - Twilight frowned because she didn't like that Discord was making sense. But she allowed it with a hefty sigh. "Alright, let's just... do you need ideas?"
"No, I know exactly what to get her." Discord paused to let the drama (and the dread) rise before he made his announcement. "A pet!"
Once again, the silence hung.
And right as Twilight opened her mouth to yell, Discord put a single claw over her lips to silence them. "Shhhhhh. Now, I know what you're going to say. But Discord! She already has hundreds of little animal friends! Why would you get her a pet? Also you're handsome and funny, but that's irrelevant to this situation!"
Twilight batted his claw away. "I was going to say the first part, but the second has me wondering if you've been hanging around with Zephyr Breeze again and you know I passed a law that says you can't."
"Laws are for beings that can be held accountable." And Twilight didn't interrupt to dispute it, because she knew Discord was frustratingly right. "But that's hardly the point. Yes, Fluttershy has a lot of critters and beasties and Angel Bunny running around. What I want to get her is to bring a new creature to Sweet Feather Sanctuary. One that she's never had before and that she could never get on her own!" Vibrating with glee, Discord grabbed hold of a pull-string and unrolled a poster-sized scroll with a diagram on it of his intended gift. "I'm going to give her--"
"A windigo?!" Now Twilight was up on her hooves, bounding out of bed to grab the scroll and make sure she was looking at it right.
She was. Even if it wasn't for the nearly photographic image of the windigo sketched out in ink, the scroll happily named the creature (Windigo), appended the taxonomic designation (Caballus Nix), and finished it off with a hyperlink under the name to an article with further details. Twilight wisely didn't click on an unknown link on a scroll created by a chaos god, instead looking at Discord with panic in her eyes. "You can't be serious!"
"I rarely am," confirmed the draconequus, "But for once I'm not joking. I want to give Fluttershy the opportunity to work with an animal she's never had the chance to and wouldn't get the chance to without my intervention. It's exactly the sort of thing she would never ask for but would love. And it helps that after the whole..." He waved his paw vaguely in the air. "You know. The thing with the Bell. After that, there's certain to be a few windigoes out there who need help to recover."
Twilight stomped a hoof. "No! Discord, this is too much! You're right that it would be something Fluttershy would appreciate, but this is a windigo we're talking about! It isn't some mundane creature that simply has a bad reputation - it's an existential threat! A danger to any pony that comes near it! The living embodiment of disharmony and oh I see where you're going with this." She facehoofed.
Discord beamed happily as it clicked.
Again, Twilight sighed. "I'm not going to talk you out of this, am I." She didn't even wait for him to nod - she simply turned away from Discord and went to her desk. It had two of the most crucial things she needed for this conversation sitting on it: her favorite set of quills and a single-serving instant brew coffee maker. "Alright. What sort of help do you need from me, Discord?"
Pulling out a pencil from behind his ear, Discord ran down the checklist that formed in his claws. "First of all, I needed to let you know I was doing this so you and your friends didn't blast it with a rainbow laser. It would be a terrible gift if you immediately vaporized it."
"...Fair," Twilight admitted. She tried to relax as the next part of Discord's request loomed like an anvil, sorting the various quills by length. Granted, it didn't take long - but the handful of moments gave Twilight a brief chance to calm her mind.
Discord scratched his chin with the pencil. "Second, I'm going to need to borrow Applejack and Rainbow Dash." He considered for a moment more. "Also your mother."
At the addition, Twilight spun around. "My mother? What does she have to do with this?"
The moment Twilight's attention was turned, Discord snapped his claws and swapped two of the quills out of order. "Nothing! I just wanted to be sure you were paying attention."
Twilight grumbled darkly and turned her attention back to the desk. "Trust me, I'm paying plenty of atten--" She flicked her vision back and forth, instantly spotting that something was wrong with her orderly work a moment before.
Before she could pin down just what had changed, however, Discord blasted an airhorn in her ear.
Several things happened at once: Twilight was bowled over, going tail over mane into a heap by the window; two of the Royal Guard outside attempted to bust through the door and come to her rescue; Discord snapped his claws and enveloped said guards in pudding; and it started to rain potato chips over Canterlot's business district which had nothing to do with the current situation aside from it being Discord's fault but nopony saw that coming.
Leaning in close, Discord loomed over Twilight as she flailed and attempted to regain her hooves. Putting his mouth directly next to her ear, he waited until the precise moment the ringing faded so that the very first thing she heard was him whispering. "You weren't paying attention."
It was at that point Twilight shot him with a laser.
Not that it did a lot to Discord - simply making a large smoking hole in his chest - but it made Twilight feel better to get it out of her system.
Idly, Discord poked the hole - then reached his claw around the front and paw around the back to touch fingertips through the gap.
While he was being amused by that, Twilight took care of some quick business. First was to open the door and free her guards from the pudding. Second was to assure them that no, everything was fine or at least as fine as it could be when Discord was around. Third was to wander over to her desk, as the tiny crystal on her coffee maker had turned green to let her know it was ready. After taking the mug and adding two cubes of sugar, Twilight finally turned her attention back to Discord.
"So," she started before pausing to take a sip, "Do you actually need Applejack and Rainbow Dash, or are you just wasting time? Because we both know Fluttershy wakes up early."
Pulling his attention away from the hole - and thereby having it cease to be - Discord gave Twilight a nod. "I do indeed need them as bait. If I start them arguing - which should be absolutely trivial - their anger, frustration and bullheadedness should be plenty to attract a windigo."
Once again, Twilight had to admit he was making sense and that just meant she needed to change the subject. "So I'm guessing that the third thing you need is going to be some absurdly dangerous magical artifact from the castle vaults to trap the windigo?"
"Ah! Au contraire, mon petite aubergine!" Discord twirled his handlebar mustache. "I already have the perfect method of capture!" With a snap of his fingers, he summoned up two items - one a large glass fishbowl and the other a red-painted circular wooden stand with a ring-groove along the top. Both were clearly labelled NOT TO SCALE in bright green block letters. "I simply wait until the bait has attracted the proper prey and then..." With a flourish, Discord clamped the two items together.
Twilight squinted at the combined item for a moment before she got it. "...You're going to trap it in a snowglobe. That's very you, Discord." A bit more coffee slipped through her lips, waking her up a little further.
"Thank you," he beamed. "Though I'm going to be trapping more than one - I intend to give Fluttershy a breeding pair."
Twilight's mind was filled with the sound of a train crash as she attempted to process just how one would go about sexing an ephemeral creature composed entirely of wind and cold, let alone how they would procreate. After fifteen seconds, her brain pulled the emergency lever and vented the entire thought process into the dumping bin where all Discord-related conundrums went for the safety of her own sanity.
The alicorn shivered as her brain rebooted.
"So what is the third thing?"
Reaching behind reality, Discord pulled out a thin book. The pale blue cover identified it as Ice To Meet You: How To Care For Your Windigo. A few paged flipped and Discord got to the section he wanted. "They're going to need a food source. Since I'm sure you'll never let me keep a couple of ponies in perpetual misery--"
"And Fluttershy would never allow that," Twilight added before slugging back another mouthful of coffee.
For once, there was no argument and Discord nodded. "We'll need another source of despair and anger. So I need you to order Pinkie Pie to make a few batches of baked bads." He paused, letting the memory of revulsion roll through Twilight. "She won't make them for me because she assumes that I'm going to do something horrible with them. Which I'm not!" He paused before quietly adding, "This time."
"That last statement concerns me greatly but the plan itself seems sound." Twilight swirled her mug for a moment, letting the remains of the coffee slosh. "Alright, I can do that. Feeding the windigoes off of something sustainable and not evil is a good idea."
Discord's paw popped up, wearing a Pinkie Pie sock puppet. "Are you suuuuuuure baked bads aren't evil?" The puppet glared threateningly at Twilight, as it knew the correct answer.
"In this case, it's evil for a good cause." Twilight paused to slam the rest of her coffee. "Appropriate for a gift from Discord."
The coffee mug being set down ended the conversation like a gavel. "Right!" Discord clapped cheerfully. "All set then! I'll just leave you to do your part and I'll do mine and Fluttershy will have an excellent present for Hearth's Warming!" Then with the snap of a claw, he was gone.
"Finally," Twilight sighed as she slumped back to her bed. "I can get some sleep."
Ten minutes of staring at the ceiling later, it occurred to Twilight that Discord had stayed around almost exactly the amount of time needed to make sure she had a full cup of coffee and wake up completely. Grumbling, she emerged from her blanket cocoon and started her day hours early. "...Hate him. Hate him so much sometimes."
"In the words of my favorite eldritch abomination-slash-mailmare, I just don't know what went wrong."
It took quite a lot for Twilight not to laugh. Granted she had been initially annoyed when Discord had yanked her off the throne and into a sitting room so they could discuss what happened, but the fact that he was holding a bag of Findus frozen peas over a black eye was enough schadenfreude for her to let him talk.
"It was all so simple!" he insisted. "There was no way it could possibly fail!"
"But it did," Twilight leadingly prodded.
With a sigh, Discord hung his head. "It did."
Leaning forward in the folding beach chair Discord had created (largely so he could drape himself across all four of the other chairs in the room), Twilight restrained her eagerness to try and merely sound supportive. "Maybe you could tell me what happened and we could figure out why?"
Taking a deep breath, Discord started outlining the day's events. "Well, it started out perfectly! It didn't take much to get those two arguing, and even less to keep it going once they did."
Twilight nodded. "Yes, it-- say, Discord?" She waved a hoof in the air. "Sitting in a beach chair doesn't feel quite right. Could I get a fruit drink to complete the look? With an umbrella?" He snapped his claw, summoning a large ice-rimmed glass of juice with an umbrella and a crazy straw. She took a testing sip and - after nodding her approval - continued. "It doesn't take much to get Applejack and Rainbow going. What did you use to start the argument?"
"Nothing much," Discord admitted gloomily. "I didn't think it would be important! I just used the old standby and had a mysterious admirer write a confession of love to make them jealous of each other. Classic instigating prop." The draconequus shrugged. "Nowhere up to my usual standards, but I was preoccupied with the rest of the gift."
It took considerable lip-biting for Twilight not to say anything yet. "I see," is all she managed to restrain herself to.
"Never the less, it worked perfectly," Discord blathered. "They started fighting immediately over how Applejack was being pursued by this mystery pony and Rainbow Dash wasn't. Her ego couldn't handle it or something, I wasn't paying too close of attention."
Turning over on to his front, Discord snapped twice. Once turned the four sitting room chairs into a long table; twice summoned a fairly confused Abyssinian masseur. Discord waved at his back. "Go on, get to it! I'm very tense." The masseur shrugged and - with an amazing amount of professionalism - started a deep tissue massage of the draconequus' back.
Comfort enhanced, Discord continued. "Anyway, those two started to argue up a storm. Literally! Their yelling was loud enough that it started to gather clouds, which was perfect. Fortunately I'd had the foresight to bait them into having their argument outside so there was plenty of room."
"Oh?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Where did you have them argue?" She already knew the answer because Rarity couldn't restrain her need to spread gossip, but hearing it from the draconequus' mouth was better.
He, of course, dismissed it as mostly unimportant. "There's a stone bridge around Ponyville that was convenient. Fluttershy said the view from it was pretty once. I just wanted them away from the orchard because if the windigoes caused a blizzard on the farm, Big Mac will be late for our next O&O game."
Twilight nodded with solemn sarcasm. "Sensible."
"I can be when I feel like it." Discord beamed with pride, utterly missing the subtext. "As I was saying, their argument was perfect. It only took a few minutes before the windigoes started to show up. I suspected they were still in the area after the whole thing with the Bell and just needed the right motivation to show up again. As usual, I was correct."
Somewhere in his back, something went snap under the Abyssinian's skilled paws. Discord let out a loud yelp and went taut - right before melting into a puddle with a happy sigh. The poor Abyssinian's calm demeanor finally cracked as his client turned into a liquid. He got out about three seconds of terrified screaming before Discord's claw solidified again and snapped to send the cat home.
"Mmm. Much better." A sponge sopped up the puddle of Discord, squeezed him out and he regained his normal form. "Not quite as good as Bulk Biceps' work, but sufficient."
Twilight lounged and waited for him to get on with it.
"I'm certain I could spin you quite the story about my brave battle against the windigoes and how I wrestled for hours to contain them! The drama! The pathos! The--"
Discord's posturing was interrupted by the loud sound of Twilight's straw loudly sucking air as she reached the end of her drink. He shot an annoyed glare at the Princess.
She held up her glass and wiggled it a little.
He snapped and refilled it.
She started drinking again, quiet once more for him to continue.
"Anyway, it was nothing like that." The moment ruined, Discord cut his story short. "They were hungry and never knew I was there. Even if they had, I'm Discord so they didn't stand a chance. I had two of them inside the snowglobe before any pony in town noticed them."
Nodding along, Twilight continued to play it close to the proverbial vest. "It sounds like everything went according to plan. You haven't said anything went wrong yet."
Discord threw his paws into the air with exasperation. "And before that, it hadn't! Then, out of nowhere the argument stops!" He started to pace back and forth, frustration rising. "It wasn't supposed to do that, so obviously I looked back down. And when I do, what do I see?" He stopped - or at least his top half did. The legs kept pacing as the rest of Discord practically exploded with confusion and frustration. "They're kissing!"
"Kissing," repeated Twilight with dry mirth.
"Kissing," he confirmed. "And for no good reason! Well, the windigoes didn't like that one bit. Now they were trapped and didn't have any misery to feed on. And since they couldn't do anything about the food, they decided to do something about being trapped."
"They broke out?"
Discord confirmed it with a sigh. "They broke out. And then they froze me solid before they flew away."
Now Twilight paused. "Wait. If they froze you, how did you get the black eye?"
Grumbling, it took a moment for Discord to admit to it. "Your friends took me back to Fluttershy and she had Applejack buck me out of the ice block." His paw went to the wounded eye. "Then I told them why I had a snowglobe full of windigoes and she bucked me again before storming off."
Her composure slipped. After the dead of night wake-up that started it all, Twilight allowed herself a little snicker at Discord's expense. She recomposed herself immediately after, just as Princess Celestia had taught her. "Did Fluttershy appreciate the attempt, at least?"
His response did not fill Twilight with confidence. "Eeeeeeeeeh?" With a lame shrug, he tried to explain. "Fluttershy said that she was glad I was trying to be thoughtful and pick a gift that's suited for her. But she also kind of lectured me a little that windigoes are wild animals and that it's wrong to try and keep them as pets instead of letting them run free." He paused. "It was a lot longer than that but I'm sure you've heard it before. "
"I have," Twilight confirmed. "In fact, I know exactly what she said to you because Fluttershy already told me herself."
"She what?!" Discord's various limbs popped off in surprise.
Finally, the facade dropped and Twilight broke out into unprincessy giggles. "They already all told me about everything! I just wanted to hear your side of the story. Well, and to find out about two things that don't make sense."
Her cheer and curiosity were derailed by a low growl. The Princess looked to the draconequus - who snarled back at her. "You knew the whole time? And you didn't say anything? You just let me... let me humiliate myself?"
A tiny mote of fear rumbled up in Twilight's stomach at the worry she'd gone too far. But she covered it as best she could, half-lidded eyes watching Discord (and his claw) carefully. "So you're angry that I let you talk about yourself?"
For a painful moment the tension hung, thick as honey in the air. Then Discord scooped a bit of it out and spread it on some toast. "Well played, Twilight. We'll make a proper Princess out of you yet." Giggling with mirth, he tossed the honey toast aside with his usual absence of care. "Now you have me curious! Just what were your two questions?"
"Well first," she admitted, "I'm not sure why you came storming in and had to see me about this right away. Hearth's Warming was two weeks ago and nopony's seen you since then."
Discord's answer was lost as he crossed his arms and glowered at the floor, voice barely a mumble.
Twilight's ears twitched, rotating to focus on him closer. "Sorry," she chuckled, "I didn't quite catch that."
"I said I was pouting," came the sour admission. "Okay? I ruined Fluttershy's gift, she scolded me and I got kicked in the face so I went outside time and space for a while to pout."
Setting her drink aside, Twilight trotted over to Discord and laid a wing across his slumped back. "She appreciated that you tried your best to come up with something unique and special. It really is the thought that counts, and you gave to Fluttershy straight from your heart. Also your letter made Rainbow Dash so jealous she finally asked Applejack out, which the rest of us have been waiting years for and seeing her friends happy makes Fluttershy happy. So you did good twice."
Slowly, Discord's head rose. With eyes full of of tears, he met Twilight's gaze. "You really think so?"
"I know so," she affirmed. "Fluttershy said so herself when I talked to her. And she would say the same to you if you stopped hiding from her."
It was a small reassurance - but it was enough. Discord perked at the idea, practically leaping to his mismatched feet. "You're right! I should go talk to her. Even if she isn't happy, that just means I need to apologize to her. I should go do that yesterday, before she has the chance to worry." He raised his claw, ready to snap - and stopped. "Er, wait. Before I do that. What was the other question, Twilight?"
"Oh!" The Princess of Friendship fluffed her wings. "I wanted to ask what you did with the four dozen baked bads, since the windigoes weren't going to eat them anymore."
Back to his normal self, Discord shrugged. "I didn't need them, so I teleported them away. Yakyakistan, I think. Anyway, toodles!" And with a snap and a flash, he was gone.
Dread silence ran through the sitting room for a minute as Twilight counted down to herself. When she went from sixty to zero, the door was thrown open by a panicked guard.
Twilight didn't look at him. "Discord had better hope," she direly pronounced, "That the next words out of your mouth do not involve the phrase 'Yakyakistan has declared war'."
The guard spoke. She didn't like the answer.
Author's Note
Note: this story is canon with all other Discord stories. Even the ones that are contradictory with it or each other.
I was very tempted to have Anarchy make a cameo given who the gift is for, but it just felt wrong to do without express permission and I can hardly get that when writing a Jinglemas gift, now can I?
Oh, and the prompt for this one was Discord and Twilight, SoL/Comedy.
