"Sister."
Celestia smiled divinely, broad innocence glowing with the light of the everlasting and evergood sun.
Luna didn't buy it for a moment and repeated herself. "Sister."
The smile faltered and Celestia answered. "...Yes, dearest sister of mine?"
"Some months ago," Luna evenly detailed, "You spoke to me of a saying among the political class. That when one is assured of victory, they would joke they could only lose if caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."
Celestia nodded with only slight hesitation, confirming the saying.
"I understood the point of the saying," Luna noted. "I did not require an objective demonstration."
"I--," started Celestia.
She was instantly interrupted as Luna pointed at the body laying in her sister's regal bed. "And I most certainly did not require it to be done with your prized pupil."
With good grace, Celestia grimaced at her sister's icy tone. "Yes, well, you see…"
Luna glowered at her sister.
"That anecdote is actually unrelated to this precise situation." Celestia tried smiling again, but it had no effect.
"Which only raises further questions." Luna signaled that the conversation wasn't going to end any time soon by sitting down by the bed - on the same side as the still warm body of Twilight Sparkle. "I beg thee to enlighten me as to the circumstances which have this make sense."
The first response was a long, slow breath as Celestia delayed just a few moments more. Then, trying to sound as innocent as possible, she began. "Well, it was Twilight's idea to start with--"
Predictably, Luna interrupted her. "She wanted you to kill her?"
"She did!" Celestia threw up her hooves in surrender. "I swear it! Twilight came to me with questions about her nature as an alicorn - she's been doing so for months. Part of the issue is that every time I answered her, she would go home and start experimenting. She couldn't just accept my answers - you know her! Twilight had to verify them for herself. She wanted to be sure."
Slowly, Luna nodded and accepted Celestia's claim. It did sound like Twilight, after all.
Celestia hesitated again, trying to buy just a moment more before she admitted it. "Her most recent question was about… immortality." Her eyes pinched shut tightly, heart hammering. "Knowing how her questions went, I put off answering her for as long as I could. But you know Twilight - when confronted by a mystery, she simply will not let go. When I finally answered her, I tried to make her swear not to test her limits."
"Which she refused to swear to," Luna surmised evenly.
A nod confirmed it. "She admitted that she couldn't test agelessness," Celestia pointed out, "But there are many forms of death that arrive more swiftly. We… had a bit of an argument over that." The Mare of the Sun laughed at that so-recent memory - a bitter laugh, sharp as a knife. "In the end, she won me over by logic. I could either help her and do so in a way that ensured it would happen in a controlled environment and with expert supervision - or she could jump off Cloudsdale."
Luna rolled her eyes with a sigh of frustration. "Yes, that seems about right for the mad young mare."
"But I couldn't do it!" Celestia practically sobbed the confession. "It's Twilight! How could I kill her? But she just..." A shiver ran down her spine. "I had no choice. So I tried to make her end something as gentle as possible."
Luna looked at the corpse splayed out on the wrinkled and tossed sheets and raised an eyebrow.
"As non-violent as possible," Celestia corrected.
Luna repeated the expression.
"Enjoyable," Celestia corrected yet again.
This time, Luna accepted it with a slight nod.
"So I, um." Celestia ran out of steam immediately. She could only blush with embarrassment and motion mutely at the body.
Fortunately, Luna picked back up. "So in an effort to kill your star pupil in as pleasant as way as possible - both for your own conscience and for her own good - you proceeded to copulate with her for…" She glanced to her sister.
"Seventy-three hours," came the answer.
"Seventy-three hours," Luna continued, "Until such a time as she perished from exhaustion, overwhelming pleasure and presumably dehydration."
Defensively, Celestia's wings flared. "I ensured there were plenty of fluids!"
Luna raised an eyebrow again.
"Not like that!" Celestia motioned to the bedside table and the multiple empty water pitchers there. "I did my best, Luna. I tried as much as I could to talk Twilight out of this foolish plan, and when that failed I did all in my power to make sure her death was as non-traumatic as possible for all of those involved. This is perhaps slightly less than ideal--"
"Twilight Sparkle's corpse is in your bed, covered in a variety of fluids that I dare not think about and every guard and servant in the Palace for the last three days is keenly aware of how both of those prior points ended up to be so."
Celestia pout-glared at her sister. "Less than ideal," she repeated. "But what's done is done. And Twilight IS immortal, so there is no long-term harm."
Heavily, Luna sighed. "I suppose that is true. In the end, the only lasting damage will be to the psyches of a few of our staff from hearing too much and the fact that we must now have your bedsheets burned."
Celestia nodded in firm agreement, even though her cheeks still blazed red. "Yes. Minimal harm done."
Both lapsed into a brief, awkward silence.
Which Luna broke. "So, she should be coming back to life any moment now?"
"Oh, most certainly." Celestia nodded in agreement. "In fact, she's probably a little overdue. So she'll be back right about… now."
Several seconds passed.
"Now," Celestia repeated.
Several more seconds.
"NOW," came the third mark.
The body failed to move.
Another awkward minute ticked by.
"Sister," Luna carefully ventured, "You're certain Twilight Sparkle is immortal?"
"Of course she is!" Celestia beamed brightly as she nodded. "Absolutely, completely certain!"
Another minute passed as Celestia smiled and Luna stared at the body.
"...Almost absolutely completely certain," Celestia hedged.
Twilight Sparkle's corpse continued to remain dead.
"...Oh damn it," Celestia finally admitted.
Author's Note
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with either a dead girl or a live boy." - Edwin Edwards
Maybe not an accurate quote for Equestria, but it works here.
