Ponified Without Consent 2

by Kaidan

Rating: teen
Tags: Apple Bloom, Comedy, Scootaloo, Prince Blueblood, Profanity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Human, Sweetie Belle
Length: 9701

In a world without bacon, five humans find themselves trapped... grazing on mother bucking dandelions. To get home, they'll need to learn that friendship is magic. Too bad none of these jerks are friends.

In a world without bacon, five humans find themselves trapped... grazing on mother bucking dandelions. To get home, they'll need to learn that friendship is magic. Too bad none of these jerks are friends.

To make matters worse, the show attempts to censor their attempts to act out of character. They're stuck as fillies no pony will listen to, and the only adults of the bunch are the alcoholic Berry Punch, and the eccentric Blue Blood.

A sequel to finish the great story we had planned to tell in our collaboration that was cancelled in 2013. The original is a quick read and sets up the characters, and the authors and editors deserve some love.

Edited by Neko Majin C

Published 2021-09-12 21:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-16 22:29:04 UTC

Ch. 1 Breaking Canon

Author's Note

I've always wished we could have finished this awesome Collab, I encourage you to check out the original before the sequel to appreciate the other great author's styles, and leave them a comment. The original concludes after introducing the 5 point of view characters.

At the moment the other author's can't contribute but have offered some feedback. I hope that I can deliver the interesting story we had planned, and will state if another author contributes to a part of the story. For more info see this blog.

Apple Bloom's Point of View here was an unpublished piece of the 2013 collab, and was done by Daemon_of_Decay. I chose to use it as the intro to pay tribute to the original collaboration.

Ch. 1 Breaking Canon

Apple Bloom

I am not an adrenaline junky.

I hate roller coasters, roller skates, or any movement-based pastime. I have enough trouble keeping myself in one piece while standing still. I once broke my wrist while using a table (don’t ask). Like the opium poppy, I enjoy a happily sedentary life filled with mind-altering substances and don’t care much for excitement and raw speed. Perhaps that’s why I loved the cartoon so much; I could enjoy it from the couch with a heavy buzz and without a serious threat to my life.

Which made the sensation of clinging to Scootaloo’s rickety death trap about as far outside my comfort zone as was imaginable. The speed was insane, the lack of fingers terrifying, and the ride about as comfortable as a massage chair made of broken glass and sharp rocks. How a wagon straight out of Calvin and Hobbes roped to the back of a glorified skateboard with handlebars could hold together seemed impossible. I feared it would fall apart every time we hit another teeth-jarring dip in the road to Ponyville.

Even worse was the pilot.

“Scootaloo!” I screamed over the sound of buzzing wings, all four legs wedged into the corners of the wagon. “Stahp this crazy thiiiiing!”

“Why?” she shouted back as she turned around to give me a broad smile. “We’ve done this like a thousand times before! There’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Eyes front! Eyes front!” I screamed louder.

“Oh, stop your complaining, Apple Bloom. I’ve totally got the hang of this now.”

“Now?” I squeaked.

“Yeah.” She finally turned back around to see where she was going, narrowly avoiding some doddering old stallion who looked two-steps away from the glue factory. “It didn’t take long. It’s all really intuitive. Well, except for braking. I haven’t quite figured that one out.”

My pupils narrowed. “Dear god, ah’m gonna die.”

“What was that?”

“Watch where you’re going!”

“I am, I am. Hold your horses.” Scootaloo laughed at her own joke.

Doing my best to avoid being thrown free and turned into a quadriplegic pony, I found my thoughts turning to my host. Scootaloo seemed… different than I remembered.

Sure, she was just one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and so utterly worthless for anything but acting as a Mary Sue for the show’s target demographic. But her unfailing optimism, her off-center commentary, and her unbridled enthusiasm all seemed over the top for a pony who had been living this way their whole life, and…

Oh god. Unbridled. Now I’m doing the shitty horse puns too!

Groaning, I looked back up at Scootaloo. “How far is Ponyville now?”

She squinted. “Not far. I can see the buildings and… woah! They really do look like gingerbread houses. That’s awesome!”

There was a loud thunk as we struck a sizable pothole, sending us up onto two wheels for what seemed like an eternity, and making me relieved that I’d managed to figure out the bathroom earlier. “Can’t we stahp and walk the rest of the way?”

“No way, Apple Bloom! We’re on an adventure, and that means having fun!”

“This ain’t fun! This is suicide!”

“That cart looks like it would be a perfect ramp! Cool!” The buzzing of her wings reached a fever pitch. “Cutie Mark Crusader Stunt Ponies!”

My face went white. “Oh no no no no!” I knew I was sounding more pathetic with every syllable, but I didn’t care. The promise of grievous bodily harm had that effect on me. “Ah swear, if you let me get out right now I’ll comb your mane and paint your hooves and… and whatever other stupid things you wanna do!”

Scootaloo just laughed louder as she leaned forward in rabid excitement. “Too late for that now! Hold on tight!” With a loud “Wahoooo!” we struck the improvised ramp and shot off into the sky.

To her credit we did manage to hit the ramp cleanly, our trajectory stable and smooth. It was a moment of pristine weightlessness as we broke the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of god, the only sounds the whistling of the wind past our ears and my blood-curdling scream as I lost my grip on the wagon.

My life as a yellow ballistic missile was a short one. The launch might have been perfect, but the dumb chicken hadn’t really been watching just where she’d been aiming.

The windows of the Carousel Boutique exploded in a shower of glass and shredded curtains as the pair of us, along with the scooter and the parasitic cart attached to it, blasted in through the side of the building.

It was a whirlwind of sound and pain. The world rotated around me. This was it. This was the end. With the last of my strength, I cursed Scootaloo. The floor filled my vision as it rose to meet me.

And then everything went mauve.

Sweetie Belle

Rarity had given pretty clear instructions that I should stay in my room while she went to hire someone to fix the windows. So, naturally, I decided to ignore that.

If I was going to be stuck as this mewling marshmallow for any length of time then I might as well have a little fun messing with Rarity. To that end, I’d found a sharpie in a drawer and started drawing on all of her dress mannequins. She had a lot of them, in fact about eighty percent of the house was just sewing shit.

There was a little room upstairs belonging to Sweetie Belle, but that was worse than all the yards of fabric rolled up all over the place. Plush frilly comforters, a toy dollhouse, an entire vanity with makeup for fillies. Would it have been too much to ask for a little Lovecraft or some intergalactic cable? Apparently it was.

But I digress. Currently several of her mannequins were done and I was finishing up another one. I’d started mostly out of boredom, but the idea of turning each one into a guide to the best cuts of meat on a cow caught on quickly—ok so I know these are pony mannequins—but it’s still hilarious to me.

Now each time Rarity went to work on a dress she could measure the chuck, ensure a nice fit on the shank, or make sure the short loin was simply marvelous darling. Once I was done I could get some ketchup to simulate the blood, maybe decapitate one of the mannequins. I’d turn this into my own little house of horrors by the time she got back. Let’s see a bar of soap fix that!

I rolled my eyes and then heard a loud crashing sound before the wind was knocked out of me. I’ve seen those movies like Saving Private Ryan where a mortar goes off and you hear a high pitched ringing. It seemed a little gimmicky to have time slow down and everything goes to black and white. Not to mention how everyone nearby spoke in those high-pitched tones like a Charlie Brown cartoon.

But let me tell you, it was pretty accurate.

The first thing I did, after the cheap shot threw me into a wall, was check my marshmallow stubs they call legs for injuries. Nothing looked broken, or even like it had bones for that matter. Once I got to my hooves with a splitting headache and looked around, sure enough I found the second and third worst pony standing there making those damn high pitched noises at me with their mouths.

I could feel my horn throbbing, as Apple Bloom shouted something at Scootaloo. The pegasus was bouncing around like a kid who needed to be kept on a leash. I think she was saying something about how awesome the jump was.

“Could you just shut the fuck up? You’re killing me here,” I said.

The two of them turned to face me in shock, and I realized they probably heard something very differently from what I’d actually said. Apple Bloom took a step closer to me, “I swear to god if you hug me I’ll throw you through a window!” I shouted. I’d had enough of that from Rarity earlier.

“You can swear? What the hell is going on here?” Apple Bloom asked.

Now it was my turn to stare back at them with a dumbfounded expression on my face. “Wait, you heard that? I tried to tell Rarity what a prissy little c—”

“Hey!” Scootaloo interjected. “Come on, that’s not cool. You’re gonna get us all in trouble.”

“Ah told Applejack to piss off and she wasn’t too thrilled, but it wasn’t until ah said shit that she got really mad at me,” Apple Bloom explained. “Ah kept trying to tell her that ah’m human but she’d have none of it.”

I chuckled and had to sit down to keep from falling over. “Oh this is great, you’re here to suffer with me. We’re stuck here forever, but at least I’ll have company.”

“Come on, it’s not that bad!” Scootaloo was fixing up her scooter and gathering all the helmets as she spoke. “I mean, I’ve hit like ten trees and two buildings since I got here and not a scratch on me. We get to go wherever we want and do whatever we want as long as we’re here!”

“Wait, y'all are human too, and ya kept cuddlin’ and all that crap with me?” Apple Bloom said. I thought for a moment she was about to punch Scootaloo in the face, but sadly she didn’t. It would have been too entertaining.

“Well, duh… I mean I thought it was just me and I was doing my best not to get caught and sent home by anypony,” Scootaloo said.

“Any one” I corrected.

“Can it,” Scootaloo smirked and said in a sing-song voice “Sweeetiee Beeeeellle. You’re not gonna last a week before they catch you if you keep trying to break character.”

I started to stomp over towards Scootaloo, my horn emitting sparks as my anger built up. “You little orphan piece of—”

Before I could give her a piece of my mind, Apple Bloom stepped between us. “Hold yer horses—damn it, ah mean—” she sighed. “What ah mean is, if we’re all human we need to work together to get outta Equestria.”

“How?” I asked. “Everytime I say something that Sweetie wouldn’t say, Rarity just hears something she would say. How do I even know what I can even say or do?”

“Maybe try playing along for a bit?” Scootaloo asked. “I’ve been all over town today and had no problems. Maybe we can go cutie mark crusading for a human.”

I shook my head, “In character? Like lug suitcases around for Rarity? Or try to explain to her why one of the windows she just paid to replace is shattered again and get another talk?.” I gestured up to the shattered window that the two fillies turned projectiles had recently hurtled through.

“Well, how about ya try to not act canon?” Apple Bloom gestured to paper weight on a nearby desk. “Toss it through a window and see if somethin’ stops ya.”

I rolled my eyes, “what, like the show is sentient and can stop me from chucking a rock through a window?” I focused on the paper weight and began to levitate it in the air. Okay, so maybe that magical puberty crap Rarity had made me listen to wasn’t all bad. At least now that I figured levitation out it’d be a lot easier to manipulate things, and I’d never have to use my mouth on a door knob.

I took aim with the paper weight and with a minor effort of will, it shot out at the window next to the front door, and harmlessly bounced off. “Oh come on!”

Apple Bloom went over to the window and climbed up onto the desk below it, then spun around and kicked it with her back hooves. Again the window was unharmed.

I heard scrapping on the floor as something was dragged across it. I turned around to find that Scootaloo had lined up half a broken table, and was dragging over a couple mannequins. She looked at the one I’d colored in with a sharpie and laughed, “got beef?”

“What on Earth are you doing Scootaloo?” I asked.

“I’m telling you, you’ve gotta play by the rules. Sweetie wouldn’t just break a window in the show, but I’d totally do a cool stunt to jump over some mannequins and accidentally go through a window. You and Apple Bloom can hop in the wagon, and we can ride over to Applejack’s house to figure out how to get you two back to Earth.”

I laughed and pointed at the wagon. “You want me to get in that death trap so you can fling us through a glass window?”

Apple Bloom was already putting her helmet on, strapping it so tightly that you could see her flesh bulging around it. “Ah don’t like the idea either, but ah don’t want to be here when Rarity gets back. Applejack’ll kill me, and she’s already got half a tree up her ass from this mornin’. Until we can get back to Earth, ah have had enough lectures.”

I looked back to Scootaloo, who had gotten the scooter and the wagon all set up for this ridiculous stunt jump through the surviving ground floor window. She reached a hoof out to me holding a helmet, “Come with me if you want to live…”

I sighed and took the helmet, already imagining the absolute fit Rarity was going to have when she got back and found the mess those two bumbling morons had made. Maybe by then I could sneak out into the apple orchard where she wouldn’t find me, and have a little time to think of a better plan than these two nutjobs had so far offered.

“Son of a bitch… I’m in.” As I climbed into the wagon I surveyed the destruction around us. Several mannequins bent or broken, plus nicely drawn in dotted lines to cut out some choice steaks. A table had been smashed, and spools of loose fabric were everywhere. “You know, if this isn’t out of character, I don’t know what is. It looks like Vietnam in here.”

“Uh,” Scootaloo looked back. “So there’s kinda a trick to this and you’re gonna want to hold on tight and try not to look down. Or to the side. Or back. In fact, you might just want to close your eyes the first time.”

I sighed and looked at Apple Bloom, whose hooves seemed to be latched onto the wagon and turning white from the decreased circulation. “Ah’d do what she says.”

“Okay.” I took a look around for something to grab onto, and then at the squishy ends of my legs. Drowning out Scootaloo’s incessant chatter was the easy part. Well, as easy as ignoring a swarm of killer bees descending on you to slowly sting you to death, as your flesh swells and your airway collapses. That might have been preferable to the absolutely saccharine nature of Scootaloo. I found it hard to believe they actually wanted to be stuck in Equestria. But I guess there’s—

I let out a very manly shout and definitely not a high pitched scream as the wagon suddenly lurched forward. My legs shot out in every direction to find purchase on the wagon as there was a loud shattering sound and more of my masculine war cries filled the air. I certainly did not wet myself a little as gravity reversed for several seconds before the wagon slammed into the ground.

“What in the name of Celestia!” someone shouted.

I could barely hear it over the thudding of the wagon wheels as it spun sideways, and took a hard right. My brain was still trying to process the jump, and we were already halfway across the street.

The wagon skipped for a moment and that sickening weightlessness overtook me again, only this time it didn’t go away until something hit my head hard. The ringing filled my ears again and the dull ache in my head became a symphony of screeching nails on the chalkboard.

“I’m gonna pluck every single feather off that worthless chicken,” I muttered.

Something cast a shadow over me, before I heard the all too familiar voice of Satan—or more accurately Sweetie’s beloved big sister. “Sweetie Belle! What on Equestria are you three crusading for this time? And right through my front window!”

“I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I said we were curing cancer?” I said as I rolled over and stood back up. I began to brush some of the dirt off my fur, which was a nice shade of brown now instead of white.

“I don’t care what kind of interpretive dancer you were trying to be, I could barely afford to replace the windows you broke last time…” Rarity sighed, and shook her head. “Sometimes I think mom and dad only want us spending time together so they can recover financially. I’m sure I can do a few favors for the construction ponies to lower the cost…”

I giggled and looked at Rarity, “Favors? Like sexual ones?”

She nodded her head. “Yes, perpetual favors for my dear sister who is constantly getting into trouble. Now come on inside, I need to help you clean up before bed, and I’d rather not find out what happens when you try to get a cutie mark while taking a bubble bath.”

Scootaloo

The houses in ponyville were flying past me much faster than when we’d come into town, and I looked back to see why the wagon was suddenly so much lighter. “Yep! Sweetie fell out, I tried to warn her!”

“Stop! This! Now!” Apple Bloom barked.

I stopped flapping my wings and let the scooter and wagon naturally slow down. Once it finally came to a stop I got off, and watched Apple Bloom stumble out of the wagon. “That. Was. Awesome! And it proved a couple very important things! First, somepony should really invent brakes.”

I waited for Apple Bloom to ask, and finally she did. “And what’s the second thing?”

“That we can get away with stuff as long as it’s canon! I mean, what even was that? A cutie mark crusade for best wrecking crew? But I guess we got a pass!”

Apple Bloom started counting under her breath, and I gave her a little space to gather her thoughts. “Can ya just stop being so… Scootaloo? Ya don’t gotta keep up the act, ah know ah’m not the only human here anymore. There’s three of us.”

I sighed and lowered my ears and wings. “Well, yeah I mean I could but… you’re really not enjoying this at all? How many people can say they’ve gotten to visit Equestria?”

“Three, an’ two of ‘em ain’t half as amused as you about it,” she replied.

“Yeah… look, like I said I’ll help you get home, but I still have to meet Dash and have her teach me to fly, and that’s just the start of the bucket list. I knew you’d been acting weird, I should have guessed you’re human too and hitched a ride here.”

“Ah should have guessed you were human, ya were just so damn annoying an’ over the top for Scootaloo.”

“Uh, thanks… I think.” I began to slowly pull the wagon along behind my scooter at a slow pace.

Apple Bloom started walking down the road towards Sweet Apple Acres, her home already visible. “Ah guess ah can let you do you, just dial it down a bit would ya? We left Sweetie back there when we should be plannin’ about how to get home.”

“To be fair, did you really want to stick around to have Rarity yell at us?” I asked.

She shook her head, looking up at her house. Applejack was standing outside trying to look busy, but it was clear she was waiting for Apple Bloom to get home. “But ah ain’t lookin’ forward to spendin’ time around the Apple family neither. They’re so uptight.”

I looked up and saw Applejack waiting in the distance and got an idea. “You know, I could play along and keep them distracted anytime they come to bug you. Let me sleep over and snuggle, and we’ll catch up with Sweetie tomorrow.”

“Ya gotta be kiddin’ me, ya know ah’m not Apple Bloom, we ain’t gonna snuggle.” Apple Bloom gave me a look and I knew I wouldn’t win that argument.

“Fine, but I get to sleep in the bed, not the floor, and I’ll keep Applejack from driving you crazy. I still haven’t figured out where my cardboard box or whatever is. The show wasn’t very specific.”

Apple Bloom looked up again, Applejack was only about fifty feet away now. “Fine, deal. Ah’d suggest not antagonizing Sweetie next time we meet up to discuss our escape plans, ah might let her hit ya next time.”

I laughed out loud and nodded, “Yeah, but that was pretty fun. Plus, it wouldn’t be canon for me to die so what’s the worst she can do? I mean, for all we know we will wake up back on Earth tomorrow.”

By now we’d reached Applejack, and I looked up and wondered what she’d hear if I kept talking about Earth. “Hey sugarcube, ya feelin’ better now that ya spent some time with yer friends?” she asked Apple Bloom.

“Yeah!” I interjected and smiled. “We had a lot of fun today, Applejack!”

She looked from Apple Bloom, who was probably scowling like someone had just killed her puppy, to me. “Why thanks for cheerin’ her up, Scootaloo. If it’s okay, ya can sleep over tonight. We were just about ta serve dinner.”

I felt my stomach rumbling and imagined the buffet of apple-themed foods they’d be serving. “I’d love that, thanks.”

“Sounds good to you too, Apple Bloom?” Applejack looked back over to check on her sister.

“Yeah, thanks… sis.” She managed a pretty weak smile but it was apparently enough for Applejack to drop the issue and turn to lead us inside.

I leaned in towards Apple Bloom and whispered, “Mission accomplished. See? Not so bad, and playing along a bit never hurt anypony.”

She shrugged and nodded, heading inside. Already I could smell something sweet and cinnamon, and made up my mind to enjoy every second I could. Things had gotten a little more complicated, but I wouldn’t let a couple spoil-sports that tail-gated into Equestria with me ruin my dream come true.

Ch. 2 Booze and Baubles

Berry Punch

The sunlight crept through the blinds again, only this time there was no clinking of bottles or aching pains in my head to accompany them. Yesterday I had been so focused on removing every bottle of spirits, can of spritzer, and box of wine from the house that it took up my entire afternoon.

And that had just been the empties.

I tossed the bedsheet to the side and rolled out of bed, landing on four hooves. It was still odd to get used to walking on four limbs, but not being three sheets to the wind helped immensely. The room was in pristine condition, though the furniture still had enough rings stained into them to look like a Jackson Pollock painting.

The air smelled faintly of air freshener and a nice Sherry with hints of blueberry, probably the ‘74. I raised an eyebrow in surprise. Ponies either had a sense of smell like dogs, or Berry was a bit of a wine connoisseur. Before I’d gotten here the best I could have done was tell you which wine to cook with or whether to pair a red or a white with the entree. I let the sommelier handle picking out the best wines for the customers in the restaurant. Picking out a vintage by smell alone after cleaning a room was thoroughly impressive.

Which reminded me, I really needed to figure out how to get back to Earth. If the show had been any indication, I’d just need to find Twilight and have her friendship up a solution.

I heard a knock at the bedroom door. “Hey sis, you up?”

“Yeah, Pina,” I answered.

“Are you gonna make breakfast again? You…” she paused for a moment, “okay in there?”

My hoof touched the door handle and seemed to latch onto it with suction, and I pulled it open. “Yeah, I’m sure I can whip you up something before work.”

Pina leaned her head to look in the room, and smiled widely. She didn’t say it, but I got the feeling this wasn’t the first time Berry had cleaned up the house and sworn to get clean. It had, however, been the first time Pina had two real home cooked meals in the same day. I couldn’t stand to see the filly eating hay and oats, and made a grocery run so I could whip her up a hearty vegetable stew.

“You go ahead and wait in the kitchen, I think I’ll whip you up some blueberry pancakes today.”

“Okay!” Pina took off in her excitement to wait in the kitchen, while I crossed the hall to brush my teeth and get a drink.

The toothpaste tasted minty and I found myself filling a glass of water to take a drink after brushing. I drank half the water in the glass right after I filled it, then set the glass down and eyed it suspiciously. My gaze drifted deliberately over to the shower and bathtub for a few seconds, then I looked back at the water and picked it up. I put it to my lips and sipped.

Chardonnay.

I spit it out and dumped the rest down the drain, then filled the glass again and took another sip.

Water.

Perhaps the most confusing thing, aside from the bit about “suddenly pony”, was that anytime I wasn’t focusing on what I was drinking it mysteriously turned to alcohol. Either some powerful being in the Equestria universe had a sick sense of humor, or I had a future performing miracles and guiding the lost to forgiveness for their sins.

If I was going to be a pony I’d always thought it’d be somepony like Lyra, but whatever cosmic prankster had dialed my number chose Berry. It could be worse, though. I mean, the drunk background pony was pretty bad, but at least I wasn’t Lightning Dust. The show had never said what happened to her, but I liked to imagine she’d eventually run into some pony like Braeburn that helped her turn her life around and settle down. Friendship is great and all, but what everypony really needed was a little romance.

I refilled a glass and finished off my water. I’d have to ignore the existential stuff for a bit because there was a filly out in the kitchen waiting for breakfast. She may not have been my real sister, but she deserved better than a background pony that needed constant babysitting to function.

The kitchen was decent enough for cooking, and I’d been able to find or buy all the basics. It seemed that my work, “Booze and Baubles”, paid well enough to support myself. I quickly whipped up some pancake batter from scratch, dropped in some blueberries, and began cooking them on a cast iron skillet.

“So, sis, have you heard about the Cutie Mark Crusaders?” Pina asked.

“Huh? What about them?” As far as I knew they were the show’s primary comic relief, constantly getting into trouble in pursuit of a cutie mark.

“I was out playing with Rumble over by Rarity’s place, and all of a sudden there’s this explosion!” She threw her hooves in the air as she said it. “Boom! And they come bursting right out a window. Sweetie goes flying right at Rarity, and oh colt, did she get an earful!” She giggled thinking about it.

Meanwhile my mind was a bit distracted as I cooked and nodded. Rumble was one of the background characters, Thunderlane’s brother if I wasn’t mistaken. He’d usually get shipped with Scootaloo, but there were more creative ships out there. After all, young love was something to be cherished. I could see him going for Apple Bloom, the two of them out on a picnic at Sweet Apple Acres. A weather pony and an apple farmer, there was a story I’d have read.

I flipped the pancake out once it was finished and started another. “That sounds like the CMC, alright.”

“Yeah, I was thinking of asking Scootaloo if I could try out that wagon she’s always towing around, but Rarity sounded pretty upset. I wouldn’t be surprised if they all got grounded for the whole weekend. I’ll ask ‘em at school Monday.”

With the pancakes done I put some butter on them while they were still warm and some fresh maple syrup. I also poured some orange juice for Pina, and set it down next to her plate. For a moment I was worried it might turn into a screwdriver when I took my attention off it, but Pina didn’t yelp in horror when drinking it.

I headed over to the sink and drank some water straight from the tap to quench my own thirst. Checkmate, Dionysus. Pina gave me a funny look. I turned the water off and shrugged “What? It’s fresher this way.”

She giggled, but then got serious a moment later. “Hey, I uh… just wanted to say thanks. I know how many times you’ve tried to not drink so much, and now you even had Pinkie teach you all these cool cooking recipes and… well, I love you, sis.”

My heart broke for a moment at the thought of Berry trying over and over to control her drinking and constantly getting the filly’s hopes up. Luckily, I wasn’t her, and I wasn’t going to let that happen again. Until I got back to Earth, she was going to have the best sister in Equestria. I went around the kitchen island she was eating on and gave her a hug with one leg. “Anything for you, Pina. Anything.”

The first thing you should know about Ponyville, aside from best escape routes in case of changeling invasion, is that it’s a lot bigger than it looks in the show. It’s rustic, beautiful, and whatever other adjectives you want to throw at it. However, it also lacks street signs, maps, or roads. It’s just full of packed dirt, stalls full of fresh fruit, and ponies. So many ponies.

Where was I?

I looked around and spotted Sugarcube Corner. At least, I thought it was... it certainly looked pink enough. The aroma of some freshly glazed pastries was carried out by the wind and I felt my mouth watering, despite the stack of pancakes I’d just had.

There must not have been a lot of ponies that would stand and drool in the middle of the street in front of the bakery, because I immediately attracted the wrong kind of attention.

In a sudden flash of pink and confetti she was upon me.

“Somepony looks like they’ve got low blood sugar!” Pinkie released a hug I hadn’t even realized she had begun, and shoved a cupcake into my gaping mouth.

I stood there for a moment in shock, mouth open and filled with something chocolatey and strawberry flavored. Pinkie wasted no time and started to push my jaw up and down helping me chew it, until I’d recovered and started swallowing. “Thanks.”

Pinkie began to twitch and wiggle like a kid trying and failing to hold still, and tilted her head. “Welcome to Ponyville?” She looked around. “But there’s no new ponies here… oh well! When the tail starts shaking, Pinkie starts baking! Catch ya later, Berry!”

And just as fast as the whirlwind of chaos had appeared, it vanished, leaving me standing in the middle of the street with no idea which way to Booze and Baubles. With a long sigh, I picked a side street and started walking down it looking for my work. At the very least, it ought to have a sign with some crudely drawn bottles on it to give it away. I saw Quills and Sofas and headed that way.

My mind started to wander as I trotted down the street, and I looked around to see more familiar faces. Roseluck, Octavia, Time Turner, Big Mac, Twilight Sparkle?

I yelped as I ran right into her. To be fair, she wasn’t paying attention either and had been levitating a scroll nearly six feet long in front of her.

“Oh, my, I’m so sorry… Berry.” Twilight had already recovered and got back to her hooves. Next to her was Spike, number one as an assistant, but not in the top twenty at preventing her from running right into somepony.

“Yeah, I’m sorry too my mind was wandering.” I stood up and brushed my flanks off with a hoof to knock off the dirt. “Oh, you wouldn’t happen to know where Booze and Baubles is?”

Twilight nodded, and pointed to her left. “Just past Chutes and Ladders”

“Thanks.” I almost started walking again. “Wait a minute, you’re Twilight Sparkle! You wouldn’t happen to know of anything weird going on lately, like humans and how to send them home?”

She raised an eyebrow and looked back at Spike. “You’re… not making any sense, Berry. Have you been drinking some of the adult juice today?”

I opened my mouth to protest, “No! I quit that yesterday… I was just wondering, like, what season is It? No wait, I mean, who is the last villain you beat? Have you met Sunset Shimmer yet?”

Twilight smiled and put a hoof on my shoulder. “I don’t understand, but my offer still stands. If you ever want, I’ll get you placed with a sponsor.”

Of course it couldn’t be that easy, but if I couldn’t get help because everypony just saw me as a “wino,” then I’d just have to change that perception until I could ask for help. “I’d like that, actually. Thanks.”

“Oh… well there’s a first for everything!” Twilight beamed. “I’ll send them over to meet you soon. You better hurry, don’t want to be late for work.” She leaned in closer, “and try a greasy fried egg, water, and some tylenol, it’s ranked second in best home remedies for a hangover according to Happy’s Healthy Home Remedies Volume Three.”

I sighed and nodded. “Thanks, that’s… worth a try.”

As I started to leave, Spike was quick to resume his conversation with Twilight. “So, do you think Rarity will like the gift I’m getting her?”

Down the street was a sign for my work, and I headed towards it. I hadn’t expected my first attempt at getting magicked back to Earth to go so poorly. To take my mind off it, I focused for a few minutes on Spike instead. Maybe I could use him to get closer to Twilight and have a few more attempts to breach the subject of humans with her. If I were to, say, set him up on a first date with Sweetie Belle, I could get closer to Rarity and Twilight.

After all, Spike was a bit young for an adult like Rarity. Sweetie Belle and Spike would be a top tier ship, and it’d give me something to pass the time thinking about at work. Pretty soon they’d have to rename it to Booze, Baubles, and Bachelorette parties.

The bell rang as I entered the shop, and I saw a pony I wasn’t familiar with stocking the shelves. She turned and saw me, “Berry! You’re looking good today.”

I leaned my head to the side to look at her. Pink fur, blond mane, cherry cutie mark. Well that narrowed it down, it’d have to be related to the fruit. “Thanks… Cherry?”

She giggled and nodded. “Who else would it be, silly? Hangover getting to you today?”

“Actually I haven’t drank since, uh…” I scratched my head trying to remember the day.

“It’s Saturday.”

“Oh, Thursday then.”

“Congrats, two days!”

“Thanks, I seem to be getting that a lot lately…”

“Just don’t go cold turkey and end up hurting yourself again,” Cherry said.

I went behind the counter to the register and started looking around. Working retail couldn’t be that bad, it was mostly alcohol and the sort of trinkets and gag gifts you’d only buy someone who was easily amused, or drunk. There were some party favors too, a few books on cooking, and guides to the many regions of Equestria where the best wine varieties came from.

The shelves were lined with everything from aged scotch and whiskey, to hard apple ciders, to wines in varieties I didn’t know existed. I began to examine a couple of the wines more closely, talking to myself out loud.

“Merlot, from Manehatten. Was bottled during an excellent year, a bit dry but hints of raspberry. Malbec, don’t agree with the subtle apricot flavor of this vintage, but a lot of ponies seem to love it,” I mused.

Cherry had come over behind the counter to join me. “Twilight’s got nothing on you when it comes to memorizing vintages and spirits. Have you been able to think of any ways we could increase sales?”

“Oh?” I looked at her. “Sales are down?”

“Yeah, like we talked about earlier in the week. We’re not in the red, but until the next holiday, it’ll be tight. Your last ad campaign worked well, but I think everypony has wised up now.”

I chuckled, “remind me what that was?”

She rolled her eyes. “Anypony that can outdrink you at the bar gets six free bottles, anypony who can’t gets ten percent off.”

“Oh really?” I laughed softly, “sounds very in character for me.”

“We did really good business until you put Vinyl in the hospital for a few days. According to Octavia, that mare has been partying hard since she was fourteen. Too bad neither you nor Vinyl can remember how many rounds it took. I bet you nearly put the bar out of business.”

I gulped. “Sounds kinda shitty of me.”

“Yeah it was crappy, but she was so impressed she gave us both backstage passes for a year. Still, if you have any ideas that don’t involve getting sloshed, I’d love to hear them.”

My throat was parched, “Do we have a drinking fountain or sink in here?”

“Yeah, you’re thirsty?”

I nodded and slowly started to grin. “Yeah… and that reminds me, I think I know a way to drum up a little business… but we need to try a little experiment real quick to make sure I can control it.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Now you’ve got my attention.”

I walked up to a small bistro at the intersection near my work, and looked around at the ponies having their lunches. I spotted Rarity and Fluttershy eating lunch together. At other tables I noted an assortment of background ponies: Colgate, Lyra, Bon Bon, Thunderlane, and even Derpy.

Gulping, I decided to go big. I went over to the table and pulled a business card out of a small saddlebag I’d picked up at work. “Hi, girls, sorry to interrupt, but I have a little sale going on at the store, ten percent off if you let me help you pair a wine with your meal.”

Rarity smiled, “Oh Berry, that’s rather generous. Are you giving out samples?”

Fluttershy was smiling too, watching me intently from behind half a mane of pink hair.

“It’s more of a… magic trick. May I?” I pointed a hoof to her glass of water. “That’s a lovely salad, I can smell the vinaigrette from here. But pairing it with water? That’s simply the—” I adjusted my voice slightly and smirked. “Worst. Possible. Thing.”

Fluttershy giggled and a moment later Rarity smiled and blushed a bit. “You know me too well. I suppose it’s not too early for… what did you have in mind?”

I picked up her glass of water and gestured like I was going to drink it, but then looked away focused on the kind of wine I really wanted to drink at this very moment. I muttered “abra cadabra,” then turned my attention back to the glass of water. “Sauvignon Blanc, the vinegar in the salad will help bring out it’s fruitiness.”

Rarity took the glass of what I hoped was a decent vintage of wine and not water, and held it up to sniff. This was the moment of truth, and I suddenly found myself very nervous. Back at the store I’d been able to turn Cherry’s water into a few whites and even a pink, but I suddenly realized if I’d screwed this up and upset Rarity, I probably wouldn’t be able to sell a bottle of wine for days.

She took a sip and raised an eyebrow in surprise. Rarity then took a bite of her salad and another sip.

“Well?” Fluttershy asked.

“This is… delicious. How?” Rarity looked back at me. “I was watching the glass the whole time, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were secretly a unicorn!”

I took a bow, and came back up. “Oh, some might call it a miracle but a sommelier never reveals her secrets.”

The sound of lightly clapping hooves filled the air, and I realized everypony there had their eyes on me. I looked back to Fluttershy, “Did you want something too?”

“No thanks,” she replied. “But, uh, I have a movie night with Discord coming up. Maybe you could help me find some wine pairings for it? He’s a bit… unpredictable… in what he likes.”

“Sure thing! Just stop by the store.” I looked around. “Anypony else need some wine?”

A dozen hooves shot up at once.

Author's Note

Sorry for the delay, I started out not having enough to write about Berry for this Berry / Blue Blood chapter. Then I lacked time. Then I had too much to write for Berry, so Blue Blood (and Discord) will be next chapter!

These are the new Point of View Headers, wanted to keep it simple and not embed images.
Apple Bloom
Sweetie Belle
Scootaloo
Berry Punch
Blue Blood

Ch. 3 Feign Six

Blueblood

I grumbled and kept my forelegs crossed as a butler and several maids finished setting up my breakfast on an elaborate table in the middle of my stateroom. To the left and right of my bed was a large, well-endowed sculpture of myself, Prince Blueblood, holding a rose between my teeth and dangling a member the size of a ship’s mast between his legs.

Of course I’d get stuck in this pony.

“Master Blueblood, your breakfast is ready. One hundred eggs arranged from soft boiled to hard boiled, and a side of steamed asparagus.”

I looked over the table at the carefully arranged eggs, each with a numbered placard to mark how well done each egg was. “Let me guess, I have to eat it under threat of banishment.”

“Yes, sir. Celestia nearly banished you when you escaped yesterday, but I convinced her it was just another… episode.”

For a brief moment I had managed to escape my captors, along with a dozen maids in nurses outfits, and ran off into the castle. I was beginning to think the staff was less my servants and more my handlers, to keep me far from the public eye where I could embarrass my dear Aunts. This did present a challenge to me trying to find a way back to Earth. Discord had said something cryptic when I ran into him, turning me into a lamp for a bit before snapping me back to my bedroom.

I guess Celestia has him whipped.

“Alright, then. I guess I’ll try a number 42.” I got up and walked over to the table, pulling the seat out with a hoof. The chair seemed to attach via suction to my hoof. I shook my foreleg, and it let go of the chair. Then I climbed in and looked at the breakfast before me.

The plate was a pure white ivory with gold leaf trim around the edges. There were 4 forks, two spoons, three knives, and five glasses. One of the cups had some orange juice in it, and in the middle of the plate sat an egg with the shell removed, surrounded by asparagus.

“Why couldn’t I have gotten sucked into Adventure Time instead?”

“Of course, Master Blueblood.”

I tossed the whole egg in my mouth, ignoring the utensils, and muttered. “Of course, Master Blueblood…”

The butler raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything, standing by until I had finished my vegetables. While I finished chewing, I took a look over to the door, where two of the maids had changed into guard outfits. They looked more like the stripper version of a guard outfit, which was what I’d come to expect.

“Very good, now I was able to pull some strings and keep your previous… engagement… today despite your shenanigans yesterday.”

I watched as a dozen maids began clearing the table and taking the dishes and extra eggs away. Before they could take egg 73, I snatched it out from in front of me and ate it too.

“Ok, I’ll bite. What were my plans today? A three way with a Yak and a Diamond Dog? A Princess Cadance cosplay? Dressing up as Tirek and reforming Cozy Glow?”

The butler didn’t seem at all interested, ignoring me and then clapping his hooves twice.

The door to the suite opened and in filed a familiar looking set of mares. Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack trotted into the room.

“Well, this is unexpected.”

I took a closer look and noticed something was off. For starters, Dash’s rainbow mane seemed to have some yellow hair poking out from under it, and her fur was turquoise. Next to her was Fluttershy, but again in a pink wig, and her light lavender fur was covered by a yellow flight suit.

It was the same for the others, and one by one I recognized most of them. “You booked me a seven way with the off-brand Elements of Harmony to keep me from interrupting the diplomats and embarrassing Celestia again?”

“Master Blueblood, you booked them, and at great expense I might add. They’re… well paid, and here to please.”

“Yes, The Great and Powerful Tr—Twilight is here to show you my canal of friendship!” Not-Twilight triumphantly declared. Beside her, both pegasi were hovering in the air to better cover their faces with their hooves.

“Yeah, what a fabulous way to earn bits for my town’s zoning permit…” The purple unicorn seemed the least thrilled to be here from what I could see, and I recognized her almost at once.

“Starlight?”

She raised an eyebrow and looked at me. Starlight had a curled purple mane in Rarity’s style, and had put on a white suit with Rarity’s cutie mark on it. “Have we met?”

“Ladies,” the butler explained. “We better guide him back into bed he’s got an… illness… only your elements can cure it.”

As the six of them started to surround me I had little choice but to back towards the bed. “Whoa, hold on now, I’m calling this off, you can all head home and keep your pay.”

The assembled mares looked at each other in confusion. Cherry Jubilee, dressed as Pinkie, was the first to speak up. “Huh? You had us come all this way just to get cold hooves? I was sort of curious if it’s true you could out-last a dozen mares…”

“Yes, I mean what are you all doing here? Maud, shouldn’t you be in college or something?” I pointed a hoof to the Not-Applejack, wearing her stetson and doing her best to cosplay an apple farmer.

“Well, I do have student loans to pay off… and I like things that are hard as a rock.”

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Okay, look, you mares are worth more than this. You shouldn’t have to sleep with some slob of a Prince under any circumstance… I’m literally not paid enough for this craziness and neither should you be.”

I pointed at Cherry. “You should head back to Appaloosa and use the bits on your cherry farm or something.” I pointed to Maud, “pay off the student loans and spend a little time with your family after you graduate.”

I looked over to Trixie and Starlight. “And you two, honestly I’m not sure what you’re doing here, but you two should try hanging out with each other and making some friends. Put the whole conquer Twilight and Equestria thing on hold.”

Trixie and Starlight looked at each other. “You hate Twilight too?” Trixie asked.

“I don’t know Twilight, I’m just starting a town where everypony is equal.”

“Well, if you need the greatest stage magician in Equestria to keep them entertained…”

I proceeded over to the last two mares that my Butler had apparently roped into this crazy orgy. “Lightning Dust, just because you’re a bit reckless doesn’t make you any less awesome as a flier. You’ve got what it takes, whether or not the Wonderbolts see it. You just need to learn a little self-control.”

The last Pegasus didn’t ring a bell. “And, uh, you do you, okay?”

My Butler stood there the whole time with a scowl on his face, as if he’d paid off the mares out of his own money. Maybe he had. I shooed them all towards the door and they all started heading back out into the hallway.

I saw the Pegasus I didn’t recognize go up and run her primaries up Lightning Dust’s flank. “Hey there, my name’s Cloud Kicker. What do you say we grab a couple drinks and bang?”

Lightning Dust’s tail twitched, and I heard her whispering. “Sounds like fun, it’s a good thing he bailed. I was never into stallions.”

Finally, once everypony was out of the room, I could sit down and relax. The cold tile floor helped a growing problem that I was having.

“Well, you might not have been lying about being sick,” the butler said. “I’ve never seen you turn down sex with one mare, let alone six. I better go get a nurse to cast a diagnostic spell on you.”

“Thanks, you do that, and I’m going to take a cold shower.”

The butler left, and I heard a lock clicking as the doors closed. I headed towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

As soon as I was alone in the bathroom, there was a flash of light and Discord appeared.

“You! What do you want? You already turned me in once during my last escape,” I spat.

“Oh contraire, mon human.” Discord offered me a mock salute. “I just had to be sure this wasn’t one of your games. To say Blueblood is eccentric is like saying the meteor that nearly killed the dragons was ‘a minor earthquake.’”

I blinked a few times and picked my jaw off the floor. “Wait, you believe me? What changed your mind after I visited?”

“That little speech you gave, of course.” Discord caused a small projection to appear on the wall in a flash, replaying my speech to the six mares. “Trying to encourage them not to sell their bodies for bits? Blueblood would never have done that. Then you gave an inspirational speech to Trixie and Starlight? Oh I can’t wait to see what kind of chaos the two of them could cause together.”

I decided to cut off his monologue. “So, you can fix this, right?”

“I can’t fix what I didn’t cause, I don’t know how you got here, or from where.”

“Says the chaos god,” I muttered.

Discord rubbed his chin and snapped his fingers, causing an image of a small blue-green planet to appear in the mirror. He then tapped the mirror, shattering it into hundreds of small mirror images.

“Oh, I could send you back to Earth, but to which one? We’ve got one where the humans look like ponies, one where apes rule, another where a crazed madman consumed the power of a hundred demons to become a stronger sorcerer…” He picked a piece of broken mirror off the wall. “I’m quite fond of this one, personally. They believe in casual sex and have over a thousand rated M channels on cable.”

I had to bite my inner lip for a moment to keep from saying something snappy and upsetting him. I would clearly need his help. “How about Earth? The normal one?”

“616? I wouldn’t really call it normal… but if you want me to blindly fling you to another dimension in the hopes that maybe I guessed right.” Discord made a show of slowly moving his fingers together to snap them.

“Ugh, wait!” I walked a little closer to him. “Okay, so you’re willing to help, but you can’t help. So what exactly are you suggesting I do here?”

He smiled widely and his posture straightened up. “Why, a game of course! I’m terribly bored, and I happen to know exactly the pony with the magical skill to figure out how you got here. Once she knows how you got here, she’ll know how to get you back. It’s not something I’d suggest leaving to chance.”

“If you’re going to give me a riddle, maybe I’m not interested,” I complained.

“Oh, I’m not into riddles anymore… I’m going to send you to my friend, Fluttershy, and you will seek out Twilight and ask for her help. The game is the fact you’ve offended almost every pony you’ve ever met, and I half expect Twilight to drag you back to Celestia kicking and screaming... And that, mon human, would be quite the game for me to enjoy.”

I heard a door opening out in the main suite, the butler was probably back. “Okay, how hard can it be? Rarity hates me, but I don’t think I’ve upset Twilight yet… if she can help, then do it. Help me break out of here and reach her.”

“Don’t forget the catch.” He grinned. “You may have noticed harmony is strong here, and you’ll find it difficult to do anything that would cause chaos like say… convincing a bunch of ponies you’re an alien. It’s sad to say most ponies don’t understand chaos like you and I.”

He lifted a scroll into the air that unfurled, displaying the rules of the game. “So, to recap: Don’t hurt Fluttershy or I’ll end you. Get to Twilight for help. And try to convince her you’re a human without causing too many waves, or you may find she only hears what she wants to hear instead.”

I groaned and frowned. “Doesn’t really sound like you’re on my side.”

Discord snapped his fingers and a large foam hand with “#1” written on it appeared. “Oh I’ll be spectating and cheering for you. Of course, if you get caught by Celestia, we never had this conversation. Also, don’t mention to Twilight how you almost banged Trixie cosplaying as her, and you should do fine!”

“Master Blueblood?” the butler asked. He knocked a hoof on the bathroom door.

“Quick, please help me! I can’t stand any more of the insanity here!”

He chuckled and snapped his fingers, causing us both to disappear.

I landed in the middle of a small room that smelled like hay, wet dogs, and lavender incense. The room looked familiar and just as I placed where I was, I saw Fluttershy walk into the room and drop a cup of tea she had been holding in her hoof.

“Oh… um… help?” Fluttershy whimpered.

I saw a few animals start to filter into the room, luckily none of them was her friend the bear. “Wait, I’m not here to hurt anyone. Discord sent me, he said you could help me get to Twilight and figure out how to get home.”

I took a step closer to her. “I’m a human female trapped in this obnoxious stallions body!”

“Um, calm down, I’m not sure what you mean.” Fluttershy sat down and I noticed her looking me up and down.

“Please, just let me hide here, don’t let Celestia know I’m here!” I felt something hit my foreleg and looked down. It seems I had found why Fluttershy was a little distracted.

“Oh dear…”

“Sorry, it’s got a mind of its own! Just got to think about… what do men think about to fix this when it happens? Commitment?” I bopped my member with a hoof, which didn’t improve the situation one bit.

I looked up at Fluttershy to apologize again only to notice her staring intently at me. Some voice in my head tried to warn me to look away, but I couldn’t. I could feel myself slipping deeper into her green eyes, my body going warm and numb. A moment later, I felt myself collapsing to the ground, and the world went black.