Exciting Words and Phrases Regarding Four-Legged Equine Mammals, and Your Future Business Ventures Therein!

by Silent Whisper

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1010

Invest in magic! Conquer Equestria! All this can be yours*! (*for a fee, payable to goat.)

Invest in magic! Conquer Equestria! All this can be yours*!

*for a fee, payable to goat.

Written for the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting Group's April Fools contest. Posted because it's ridiculous and today is a good day to be silly. :D
Entered it into Bicyclette's Thousand Words Contest under the Experimental category.

Published 2022-04-01 21:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-04-01 21:20:01 UTC

Void Where Prohibited By Princess

In the magical land of Equestria, the main species of note are small equine creatures with four legs and a disturbing lack of grasp of the laws of physics. Locally, they are known to themselves and each other as ponies[1]. To us, they are one thing and one thing alone: a business opportunity!
[1] Citation needed.

The small horselike mammals have a weird metaphysical ability to shape the laws of reality around them. They call it “magic”, the uniformed call it “painful”, but we? We call it “potential”. We could harness this special ability for practically anything! Weather manipulation? Why not rain milk down upon your enemies[2]! When it spoils, they’ll be begging for mercy! Transfiguration? We’ve heard some of them can even transform creatures into food! Your enemies could now be oranges! Your harvest is infinite, investors, and we are here to help you profit[3]!
[2] Editor’s note: We have been told that this was not, in fact, a pony’s doing, but it looked enough like one to legally count. It lives in Horseland, so it must be a horse.
[3] Profits not guaranteed. See goats for more details.

There are, of course, a few important things to note. For one, they’ve got a few superpowered members of their species who are, shall we say, less-than-easy to manipulate. Early investors discovered this the hard way after their demands for surrender granted them an all-expenses-paid vacation to the surface of the sun[4]. Remember, future business partners: If it’s got wings and a horn, do NOT approach without a contract reviewed by a team of our All-y-corn Super-Specialist Law Enforcement Team[5]!
[4] Past results do not guarantee future performance. Any free vacations upon surfaces of solar or lunar origins or extradimensional planes are subject to additional processing fees. Please pay in advance.
[5] Use of ASSLET may incur extra fees, as we have yet to find any suitable candidates for this side venture. If interested, submit your application to goat.

It may be tempting to refer to so-called ponies by color or identity butt-mark. They do not particularly appreciate this. One lavender unicorn even threw a free sample of “magic” into our humble representative’s face when we referred to her as such[6]! Such weaponizable feats[7] of mass destruction could be within your very own claws/hooves/pinchers/tentacles/etc!
[6] Free samples not guaranteed. Said goat is now half-llama and claims it wasn’t due to late-onset species-swapping genetic issues. Our scientists are still working out whether this is accurate. If interested in joining our very exclusive team of scientists and researchers, please submit application to goat. Applicants must promise not to eat the research.
[7] Editor’s note: hooves.

We’re even willing to assist you in your business endeavor! All you have to do is pay us a low low commission fee for the information provided above[8] and we will be at your beck and call! Every goat is willing to come to your aide[9] for your noble business venture[10]. We will stand behind you[11] in order to achieve whatever results you’ve previously defined as “success” within the contract you’ve signed!
[8] Payment is due upon the reading of this footnote. Exact change appreciated but not required.
[9] For the most part. Every one within our company. We cannot promise our children to your service if they cannot yet walk. Batteries not included unless previously eaten by our kids.
[10] Editor’s note: I called my mother and she said I have to be home for dinner by sundown.
[11] Potentially from outside of a safe radius. Some of the business ventures in the past have left craters.

So join us[12] cunning business experts[13] magic-desiring minotaurs[14],[15] investment-savvy changelings[16] angsty dragons with a reckless thirst for treasure[17] and hungry hippopotamuses. We await your summons with eagerness[18] and hope that your business ventures will be profitable[19].
[12] Secretary ate the comma key. Pretend there is an appropriate comma here.
[13] See footnote 12 above.
[14] See footnote 12 above.
[15] Iron Will was not employed by us. Please disregard any stories you have heard about his exploits. Any goats you have seen with him are false goats. They are TRAITORS TO THE PROUD LINE LINEAGE AND TRADITION OF GOAT ENTERPRISES.
[16] See footnote 12 above.
[17] See footnote 12 above if you subscribe to the theory that ox-ford commas are a proper and necessary part of your language.
[18] Eagerness levels may incur additional fees. See fee pamphlet for more details.
[19] And that your friends and family will read the fine print you failed to read before attempting to sue us. You are liable for all damages incurred upon your being for following our advice.

We really really hope so. [20]or the [21]uture o[22] your business and our relationship[23] we look [24]orward to working with you. Contact us by talking to one o[25] our representatives that handed you this [26]lyer!
[20] Editor’s note: ate the key that goes beore g. I was hungry and it looked tasty.
[21] See ootnote 20 above.
[22] See ootnote 20 above.
[23] Comma still gone. Secretary has been ired.
[24] See ootnote 20 above.
[25] See ootnote 20 above.
[26] See ootnote 20 above.

Thank you in advance[27]
[27] See ootnote 23. Now taking applications or new secretary. Please give application to goat.

Goat Enterprises.[28] [29] [30] [31] [32]

[28] Void where prohibited by Equestrian Law.
[29] A reading ee is due upon the reading o this document. Our lawyers have assured us that despite missing some letters this is still legally binding.
[30] Employees o Goat Enterprises of are not technically allowed in Equestria anymore so please disregard any previous claims o physical assistance or aide. We will support you in the spirit o business. ailure to read this ootnote does not imply otherwise.
[31] Do NOT let the All-y-Corns see this message! ASSLET still has not been ully ormed yet. We are eagerly awaiting your applications at your earliest convenience.
[32] Please tip your goats handsomely.