To Mount Madness

by Some Leech

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Anon, Porn, Mystery, Fetish, Comedy, Sex, Profanity, Discord
Length: 7331

The beans have been spilled, the cat is out of the bag, and Anon is in one heck of a pickle...

As much sense as it made, Anon would never have guessed that Eris, the Lady of Chaos herself, had a hand to play in his erotic escapades. Whisked away from the Canterlot castle, the poor man finds himself facing the nigh-omnipotent, slender, and stunningly seductive draconequus who's been pulling the strings - still, in spite of her mischief, he can't fathom what her true motivations are...

Kinks Include: Female on Male, Male on Female Oral, Vaginal, Size Difference, Interspecies, Lewd Hijinks, a Bit of Japery, and a Mind-Bending, Reality-Altering Climax

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The final four chapters are sort of a CYOA and one leads to a forthcoming adventure for our protagonist. It's been a wild, wacky, and ribald ride, but thanks for sticking with it!

Artwork by Skoon (Twitter @CookieSkoon)

If you want to help support me, I have a Tip-Jar/Patreon HERE

Published 2022-05-25 20:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2022-05-25 20:20:05 UTC

Bedroom Bedlam

“I have to admit,” Eris snickered, lazily strolling around the hovering, buck naked human, “as impressive as it was to watch you at a distance, it’s so much more thrilling to see you up close.”

Floating above what he presumed was the floor of the Lord - no, Lady of Chaos’ living room, doing his level best not to get seasick, Anon tracked the draconequus with his eyes. “Uh…Uh-huh.”

“What am I going to do with you?” she mused, walking over and running a furry digit up his abdomen and between his pecs.

“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say fuck me -” he grunted. “that or pull some voodoo chaos bullshit and make me fuck you.”

With a wounded look on her face, the chimera stepped back and held a clawed hand to her breast as if stricken. “Is this form not pleasing enough for you?”

“Nope,” Anon huffed, making a concerted effort to avoid staring at her perfectly perky and surprisingly large rack.

He’d seen pictures of Discord - er - Eris on a handful of occasions, clippings in newspapers and one or two in Twilight’s castle and the like, but the Lady of Chaos’ abrupt and wholly unexpected shift in gender and sex had taken him completely off guard. Standing several feet taller than himself, with a thin, snake-like body, clashing limbs, snow white mane, and carnelian eyes, the draconequus was far more alluring than she had any right to be - for fuck’s sake, she even sounded sexy and swayed her hips when she walked! With his mind subconsciously wandering into lecherous waters, his attention drifting to her groin, he clamped his eyes shut and turned his head.

“I mean, yes? You look fine. Listen, can we carry on this conversation after you put me down and let me get a shower. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m covered in alicorn juices and this whole bobbing in the air thing is really not doing my stomach any good…” he softly pleaded, praying his traitorous manhood wouldn’t tip his hand.

Snapping her fingers and releasing her sorcerous hold on the man, letting him unceremoniously fall to the floor, she scrunched her snout. “My apologies. It’s rare that I entertain guests and, quite frankly, I was concerned you’d run for the hills.”

As Anon looked to a window situated several feet from the front door, he gazed out into what he could only describe as a swirling, maddening mayhem of colors, sparkling lights, and what sure as hell looked like a downpour of chocolate milk. “I…I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that. Where’s your bathroom?”

“Down the hall and to the right,” she replied, waving to a doorway behind him. “Just don’t take too long, unless you’d like me to join you.”

Seeing her draw her forked tongue over her full, pouting lips, Anon suppressed a shiver. It would have been disquieting to find himself in the company of a demigod, any demigod, but being captured by an insane, oddly attractive, and clearly lustful entity was as terrifying as it was thrilling - at least that’s what he kept trying to tell himself. Pushing himself up and dusting himself off, attempting to cover his manhood, he turned and briskly made for the washroom.

“I’ll be right back,” he grumbled, waving a hand over his shoulder.

As stunned as he’d been to discover Eris had been behind his months-long amorous adventure, the shock had faded quickly. If anything, the real surprise had come when the draconequus had seamlessly and effortlessly metamorphosed into a female version of itself and hauled him back to her abode. Given how things had been going, knowing the frankensteinian creature had been voyeuristically observing his debaucherous exploits, he was left to presume he’d be expected to literally stick his dick in crazy in short order - a prospect which left him with very mixed feelings. On one hand, laying a nigh-omnipotent creature of chaos would easily be the crown jewel on his hedonistic list of sexual exploits - on the other, he couldn’t help but worry that getting down and dirty with a draconequus would yield unforeseen consequences.

Stomping down a short corridor, looking through doorways and into non-euclidean rooms that defied all logic, he tried to ignore the lunacy around him. Eris, as she’d insisted to be called, had a house that stretched the limits of sanity. Thus far, in the perilously short time he’d been the chimera’s guest, he’d witnessed: furniture on ceilings, books listlessly flying about like birds, softly singing plants, and he could swear he caught a glimpse of a bushwoolie peeking out from behind an ottoman. Nearly walking by a relatively normal looking bathroom, he altered his course, stepped into the lavatory, and locked the door behind himself.

He’d been put on the back foot plenty of times in the last few weeks, but dealing with Eris was on an entirely new level. For starters, he knew next to nothing about the Lady of Chaos, aside from stories he’d heard - secondly and more alarmingly, he was completely at the creature’s mercy. As far as he knew, being trapped in what seemed to be some sort of bizarre pocket dimension, he couldn’t get away unless his host let him get away.

Momentarily scanning the bathroom’s interior, spotting a number of towels hanging beside a sink, he stepped into the tub, turned the water to warm, and screamed - not out of pain or fear, but because the water began gushing from the spigot and swirling about him like a miniature cyclone. Not only was the shower ice cold, but it flowed upward and hit him from every angle. As he danced in place, eyes clamped shut from the small typhoon, an ominous noise caused him to freeze - a snap…

“You should have let it warm up first, lover boy,” a familiar voice purred, a split second before a soft, serpentine, and damnably warm body pressed against his back.

“Discord!” he shouted indignantly, as a pair of mismatched mitts firmly grasped his shoulders.

She tittered and held him firmly, as something hot and hard pressed against his hip. “Try again, unless you’d prefer me with some additional hardware…”

Fuck if he knew what she had smashed against him, but there was no way in hell he was going to find out. “Eris - I mean Eris!”

“Much better,” she whispered, the slick, turgid thing vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. “I heard you yelling and thought something was wrong,” she nonchalantly continued, undulating and gyrating against him.

Wriggling from her grasp, he wheeled around to face her. “Listen, I appreciate that, but I just wanted to get washed up and…” he trailed off, watching her lift a hand and press her middle finger to her thumb.

“If you wanted to prepare for our date,” she hummed, giving yet another infernal snap, “you could have just said so.”

In the literal blink of an eye, faster than he could think, he was whisked from the bathroom and out of the shower. As he looked out over a scenic vista of a moonlit sea, with Eris draped atop a fainting couch before him, his mind raced. He’d known the draconequus wielded unfathomable power, but actually experiencing the utterly horrifying level of magic was mind-boggling. Hearing her clear her throat, only then realizing he was holding a charcoal pencil and a pad of paper, he pursed his lips.

“Paint me like one of your french mares,” she cooed, shifting one hand behind her head to strike a dramatic and admittedly enticing pose.

“Wait,” he blurted, glaring over at her, “did you say date?”

Rolling her eyes, she exasperatedly sighed. “What did you think this was?”

Anon gave a genuine shrug and knit his brow, nonplussed. “Honestly, after everything you put me through, I presumed you’d just want to get down to business.”

“In that case,” she chuckled, her eyes twinkling in the dim light.

Another snap brought with it another instantaneous shift in reality. Finding himself standing at the foot of a bed strewn with rose petals, he gazed at his gracious, quite possibly demented host. While he couldn’t say who’s bedroom they were in, he couldn’t deny how appealing her presentation was. Lit by a number of softly glowing candles, resting on her side and staring dead at him, she beckoned to him with a finger.

“Since you’re ready and raring to go,” she murmured, cupping one breast while slowly spreading her legs, “how about you come over here and indulge me.”

He didn’t need to look to tell he was getting hard, the infuriatingly amorous and dreadful nature of his host proving too much to bear - nevertheless, something was bothering him. He could understand if Eris simply had a perverted sense of humor or interest in him, but for her to openly seduce him and ferry him to her abode raised several questions. Pinching the bridge of his nose, hoping he wasn’t about to regret what he was about to do, he shook his head.

“Do you mind if I ask why? Why me?” he inquired, refusing to gaze upon her beguiling form.

A moment of silence passed, then another, before the sound of rustling fabric prompted him to peek out at her. With her head flopped back, petulantly kicking her feet on the mattress, she flicked her tail from side to side. “Because I’m bored. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good, clean amusement in Equestria?”

He lifted a finger and opened his mouth to reply, yet stayed quiet. Considering she was as or more long-lived than an alicorn, her seemingly absurd statement actually made sense. Even with the power to bend reality, there was only so much she could do before the insidious tendrils of ennui snared her in their clutches. Lowering his hand, his frustration gradually growing tinged by a pang of sympathy, he stepped over and eased himself onto the edge of the bed.

“If you just wanted to get laid, couldn’t you have just undid the spell Celestia and Luna cast?” he asked, anxiously reaching out to pat her shoulder.

With a grimace on her snaggletoothed face, her head whipped toward him. “As if I hadn’t thought of that! The last time I did that, I wound up as a pigeon roost for nearly a millennia,” she groused, scowling over at him.

“W…well,” he stammered, forcing himself to reassuringly rub her upper arm, “in that case, couldn’t you just - Ahem - borrow somepony for a night? You have a whole world of creatures to fuck with - actually fuck with, if you wanted to, so what makes me so special?”

“Too much headache and not enough of a payoff.” she huffed. “I chose you because you’re the perfect man for the job - for pete’s sake, you’re the only man for the job.”

“I don’t know about that,” he halfheartedly responded, rolling his shoulders.

“You do too and you know it,” she insisted, coiling around him to prod his chest with a talon. “Stallions, griffons, hippogriffs, changelings, dragons, you name it - every creature with a dick on this planet is a two-pump chump, and don’t get me started on the more unique selection of partners.”

Suddenly more interested than he cared to confess, he quirked a brow. “Like…?”

“Where to begin?” she groaned. “The Smooze is a nice guy, but there’s only so much you can do with a massive, lazy sea of goo. Tirek is a crier with self-esteem issues, Sombra is a quick shot and has no interest in mares, Grogar…” she fell silent, flipping her hand from side to side. “Let’s just say Grogar wasn’t a pleaser - anyways, know it or not, you’ve proven yourself to be a more than capable lover.”

He’d never really thought much about it, but he did recall that animals of his homeland had an almost laughable amount of stamina when it came to carnal affairs. If the denizens of Equestria, especially the males, did lack endurance in the bedroom, she may have struck upon a very poignant point. As he leaned his head back and rubbed his chin, stewing on the matter, she shifted and idly wrapped her sinuous body around him.

Stroking her cheek against his chest, she pulled him onto his back. “Is it so much to ask for one night, just a single night of affection from the most charming and handsome human to grace my presence?”

Keenly aware of the furred hand gliding down his side and over his hip, languidly making a beeline toward his groin, he swallowed hard. Her complements, feminine wiles, sultry tone, and the warmth of her lithe body against him proved a devastating combination, sending blood pumping to his steadily hardening manhood. Throwing his hands up in surrender, knowing he was powerless to stop what was going to happen, he resignedly shook his head.

“You know what - fuck it. After all the wild shit I’ve been through, checking a draconequus off my bucket list couldn’t hurt,” he noted, unable to keep an amused note from his voice.

“Splendid!” she chirped. Winking out of existence and beside the bed, she paced and thoughtfully tapped her chin. “Onto the important questions.”

Something about her remark struck him as odd, as he pushed himself up and slipped from the mattress. “Important questions?”

“Questions of preference!” she replied, pinching the bridge of her snout. “Given your rather expansive sampling of Equestrian creatures, what would you fancy? A pony? Maybe a changeling? Oh, I know, what about a dragon?”

All he could do was watch, his mouth agape, as she effortlessly transformed into a myriad of different female creatures. Though each metamorphosis bore a similarly colored coat or hide to the Lady of Chaos, each was an immaculate representation of their species. Both amazed and increasingly turned on by the display, mostly because she had no shame in showing off her body, a thought occurred - one that demanded he act.

As he stepped over to her, moments after she’d changed into a hulking dri, she cocked her head and peered at her face. “Have a taste for beef ~ eh?”

“Turn back to yourself for a second,” he gently yet firmly requested. “Your girl self.”

Snapping her fingers and shifting to her usual form, she smirked down at him. “Yes?”

He craned his neck and waved her closer. “I don’t have a stool, so you’re gonna need to come here for a sec.”

A puzzled look crossed her face, as she lowered her head to eye level with him. “Now that I’ve acquiesced, would you mind - Mmmph?!?”

There was plenty of stupid shit Anon had done over the years, but surprising a eldritch being with a kiss had to be one of the most foolhardy - still, he wasn’t done with her yet. Taking advantage of her bewilderment, he grabbed a gnarled horn atop her head with one hand, wrapped his free arm around her waist, and drove his tongue into her mouth. If she insisted on having a passionate bout with him, by all the stars in the night sky, he wasn’t about to hold anything back.

Feeling her shiver, seeing her eyelids flutter, he only relented when he felt her claw grasp his shoulder. Just as quickly as he’d begun, he pulled back and grinned. “I think you’re perfect just like this, so how about you get on the bed and get ready to have your world rocked.”

“Anon, you scoundrel,” she giggled, fanning her rapidly reddening face. “If I’d known it would be this easy, I wouldn’t have baked those viagra brownies as a backup plan!”

As disconcerting as the idea of viagra baked goods were, not to mention how or why she knew about the medication, he released her, reared his hand back, and gave her tush a light smack. While he’d only meant to play around, the impromptu spank had a profound effect. Gnawing her lip and stifling a moan, she shuddered from the tip of her tail to the top of her head. Many months ago, prior to his first time bedding a non-human, the sight would have given him a moment for pause, but that was another time.

“For all the trouble you’ve caused me,” he began, squeezing her ass, “I think someone’s due for a bit of punishment.”

She went rigid and shot to her full height, taken aback. “That’s preposterous! You couldn’t possibly - Eeep!”

Her rebuttal was silenced, as he gave a second, significantly firmer slap to her derriere. “I thought I told you to get on the bed…”

Striking and ordering around a cosmic being was easily the riskiest thing he’d done in his life, yet he was overjoyed with the results. Her blush deepening and chest heaving, she clasped her hands before her bust, gave a faltering nod, and did precisely as she’d been asked. The sight of her crawling onto the expansive mattress, pressing her tits to the blanket while arching her back and presenting her rear, would have been stimulating in and of itself, but the lustful look in her eyes - heaven help him, the way she gazed back at him with barely restrained longing was exhilarating beyond belief.

“There you go. You’re gonna be a good girl and stay right there, aren’t you?” he hummed, climbing onto the bed behind her. Her lack of response earned her a third slap to her rump, as he forced himself to scowl. “Aren’t you…?”

“Y…yes,” she meekly mumbled.

He grunted and nodded, pleased with himself and growing bolder by the second. Shifting his hand down her tush and to her inner thigh, he shifted his focus to her loins. Covered in a patch of very damp fur, her entrance, presuming there was only one, was a mystery, yet that didn’t keep him from rubbing the fuzzy mound of flesh. Hearing her barely restrained whimper, while her exceptionally long tail flagged and rolled to the side, his smile broadened.

“You’ve been a very naughty draconequus,” he mused, withdrawing his hand. The shift in power dynamic was intoxicating, bringing a creature who could destroy him with a thought to her knees, and his turgid length reflected his mounting excitement. Shuffling up and kneeling behind her, he hugged her tail and nudged the tip of his manhood to her sopping wet nethers. “You want it?”

“Mmmhmm,” she immediately answered, rolling her hips back and nearly impaling herself on him.

He hadn’t known what to expect out of her in a sexual regard, unsure if she was dominant, submissive, or some unholy amalgam of the two, but her actions told him everything he needed to know. Though she may have nearly unlimited cosmic power, a penchant for chicanery, and a glaring disregard for others’ psychological or physical wellbeing, she sure as shit seemed like a total bottom-bitch. Squaring his knees and steadying himself, he plunged his cock into her.

Though the heat of her depths was staggering, he was wholly unprepared for just how snug she was. The vice-like grasp of her sex was on an entirely different level to anything he’d experienced with any of his past lovers, nearly bringing him to a halt - nearly. Securing his grip on her weakly thrashing tail, inspired by a guttural groan escaping her, he continued easing himself into her until he was fully hilted.

“Please tell me that’s all of it,” she murmured, snaking her head back to take a look at the action.

Seeing her move her snout behind him, sliding between his knees, he was stricken with a marvelously sinful idea. Eris was far larger than any creature he’d had the luck or misfortune of fooling around with, but she was also the most pliable - for fuck’s sake, she was more akin to a furred serpent with limbs than any ordinary beast! Leaning back and tapping her horn, he brought her attention up to his face.

“If you want to stay down there, feel free to put your mouth to use,” he noted, making a point to withdraw a portion of his slickened shaft from her.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me twice,” she shot back, as her muzzle crept to his nuts.

Feeling her kiss and lap at his balls, with the head of his cock lodged in her cunt, he contentedly sighed and thrust into her. He hadn’t intended to kick things off so quickly, yet bullying the chimeric entity a bit was the opportunity of a lifetime - something purely too good to pass up. As he leisurely humping her, relishing the unique sensation of her mouth and peculiar puss, she mumbled something.

He slowed to a halt, only having just begun in earnest, and twisted around to peek down at her. “What was that?”

Recoling just enough to make eye contact, she smirked. “I said why do you smell so good,” she mumbled, jamming her snout to his taint and giving a particularly loud sniff. “Watching you was hot enough, but nopony told me about this extraordinary scent.”

Finding himself more than a little curious, he hefted and pressed his nose to her meaty tail. Her bouquet was hard to describe, an odd mix of pony, dragon, and hippogriff, yet it elevated the experience all the more. Bucking his hips and falling back into a steady rhythm of plowing her, he hugged the long, powerful appendage to stabilize himself.

Not unlike making love to an oversized ferret, the act of rutting a draconequus was trickier than he’d presumed. In addition to being considerably taller than himself, her morphology made screwing her simultaneously tricky and enjoyable. As incredible as the circumstances were, becoming increasingly worked up by his otherworldly host, he tried to rein himself in.

One of the most aggravating things about himself was his irrepressible nature of his raging sex drive. Like a wild, untamed dog, his libido acted with a mind of its own - sure, it may behave occasionally, yet it had gotten him into more pickles than he could count. It was only with an immense exertion of self control was he able to pump the brakes and slow himself, reflecting on what led him to the lascivious exchange.

He may have been an idiot for entertaining the thought, but he almost felt bad for her. As far as he knew, Eris was one of the only creatures in Equestria who fully appreciated the wonders of sex - moreover, according to her, she’d been unable to get railed out by a capable stud. Distracted by his thoughts, subconsciously slowing, he didn’t realize his ministrations were lacking until she pulled away and rested her head on his shoulder.

“Something wrong?” she breathed, her forked tongue tickling his ear. “You’re not trying to fuck me into the bed like you were a few minutes ago.”

Inching back and unsheathing his length, he looked over at her. “Lay down for me.”

Unfurling from around him, she rolled onto her back, spread her legs, and clutched her ankles. “How romantic ~ does someone want to gaze upon my beauteous face?”

“As sappy as it sounds, yeah,” he conceded, lowering himself to creep up her supine frame.

She stiffened and twisted her head, locking eyes with him. “If you wanted to pull my leg, it’s right here.”

As she dislodged the lower limb from her body, shaking the appendage beside his head, he had to fight to keep himself from laughing. “As fun as that would be, I’m serious. With the lengths that you went through to get me here, I think we both deserve to enjoy this as much as we can.”

Getting into position, after she’d reattached the lower appendage, he eased his length into her and laced fingers with her. Had he been able, he would have cradled her head to hotly make out with her - fortunately for him, that wasn’t a concern. Spurred by his impassioned confession, she snaked forward, closed her eyes, and brought her kisser to bear. With their bodies entwined, they locked lips and started fucking with renewed vigor.

Propped on his arms, rhythmically pounding his hips, he savored the change in their positioning. Being atop her mitigated the disparity of their sizes almost entirely, her fragrance flooded his sinuses with every breath, and her velvety canal feverishly clenched around his manhood with each withdrawal, as he succumbed to the welling, hedonistic nature of their exchange. He would never have guessed he’d meet such a creature, let alone have sex with one, yet he gradually lost himself to his desire to please her.

Resting on his knees and straddling the thick base of her tail, while screwing her and pressing her hands to the mattress, was far more comfortable than it had any right to be. Despite eclipsing Luna or Celestia’s stature, railing Eris was absolutely phenomenal. Though he couldn’t explain how or why her snatch was as tight as it was, he wasn’t about to complain about the tautness of her hot, slavering confines.

“Right there,” she rasped, breaking the kiss and bucking up to meet his thrusts, “that’s the spot.”

Encouraged by her words, he buried his face in her sternum, drew a deep breath, and increased his pace. He would never have guessed that the draconequus had been the one behind his plight and protracted adventure through and beyond Equestria, yet that was of little consequence. She’d absconded with him and unveiled her machinations, allowing him to reap his lecherous, cathartic payback.

There was something undeniably magical about getting a woman, regardless of their species or size, wrapped around his finger, and Eris was far from an exception. The fact that she was loving his erotic service was the icing on the cake, pairing perfectly with the physical sensations she afforded. Slamming his pelvis against her, nudging her womb with each plunge of his manhood, he crept closer and closer to release.

He set his jaw and struggled against his welling rapture, unwilling to peak before her, but it was a losing battle. Aside from the sex being fantastic and remarkably sensual, there was a certain poetic irony to their pairing. They were unique in that realm, unlike any other, and yet they’d crossed paths in the most deliciously depraved way imaginable. While he was loath to admit it, he could see himself actually growing to like her.

As her legs locked around his hips, flexing and giving his thrusts just a touch more effort, he comprehended the full effect of his passion. Her panting, shuddering breaths, her quivering depths, and the way she trembled against him meant only one thing - she was close. Balancing on one arm, moving harder and faster with each fleeting second, he wrapped his fingers around her horn, drew her muzzle to his face, and kissed her yet again.

If she was going to cum, she was going to do it on his terms. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, she weakly grasped his hands, and she whimpered into his mouth, as he cast her into a maelstrom of ecstasy. Though he’d fully expected her to react to the climax, possibly dousing his lower half with nectar or going limp, he was unprepared for the consequence of making a deity cum.

The world exploded around him, reduced to the most dazzling display of flashing lights and shooting stars he’d ever seen. As if the visual display wasn’t moving enough, somehow, flying in the face of all reason and logic, his senses went haywire a split second later. Every nerve within him went alight in raw, primordial ecstasy, igniting the very core of his being. To say he orgasmed instantaneously would have been an understatement borne of mortal hubris, so unimaginable was the pleasure that rent his soul asunder.

His consciousness immediately faded, as he was embraced by the warm nothingness of oblivion, yet he was without fear. Safe and secure in her arms, held by quite possibly the most potent being to have tread soil of Equestria, he felt nothing but contentment. In that moment, that transient flash before he passed out, he had a startling thought - maybe one night with her wouldn’t be enough for either of them.

The preternatural slumber which awaited him was like none other, yet it eventually came to an end. Cracking his eyes and turning his head, feeling cooled drool against his cheek, he peeked up at his lover while she affectionately rubbed his back with one hand. The sight of her smiling blissfully down at him, tranquil and content, was the best thing he’d woken up to in ages - possibly ever.

“I presume it was as good for you as it was for me,” she whispered, leaning in to kiss his forehead.

He dumbly nodded and struggled to push himself up, unsheathing his softened length in the process. As he flopped beside her, landing on his back, she rolled over and plastered herself against him. Yeah, there was no denying it, he could definitely get used to having the exotic creature as a mate.

Lifting and resting one leg on his hip, she listlessly traced a talon over his chest. “So what now?”

It took him a moment to digest the question, having falsely assumed she’d have plans of her own, but the euphoric afterglow of the deed caused him to speak before thinking clearly. “Well it’s up to you. Now that my little adventure is done and over with, there’s nothing I really have to do.”

“Done?” she scoffed, reaching up to endearingly pat his cheek. “Anon, your adventure is only just beginning! The Princesses, as well as a handful of other creatures, are thoroughly hooked on that delectable dick of yours, Equestria is still blissfully ignorant to the joys of sex, and I hardly think you’d be able to return to a normal life after everything you’ve been through - after all, you tasted the forbidden fruits of this land…”

Scrunching his nose, he slipped an arm under her and pulled her close. “I mean, yeah, but those are problems I can deal with later.”

“Problems we can deal with later,” she corrected, lifting a clawed digit. “Given I’m partially responsible for this entire debacle, I think it’s only fair that I help with - oh screw it.” she huffed, snapping her fingers and causing a flash of light. “There, everything is as it should be.”

Hastily scanning the bedroom in which they rested, seeing that nothing was out of place, he squinted over at her. “What’d you just do?”

“I undid your sordid misadventure. As far as anypony can tell, the last several weeks simply didn’t happen at all,” she explained, grinning wolfishly. “You’re welcome…”

“T…thanks,” he sputtered, in awe of her arcane might. It really did appear as though she could do anything, contorting the universe to suit her will, which gave him an idea. “Say, can I make a request?”

“It depends ~ are you going to be good for another round?” she chuckled, gingerly rubbing her knee against his groin.

Undeterred, he steeled himself to ask for the granddaddy of all favors. “Can you somehow let everyone in Equestria know what sex is? It’s really not fair that everyone should live in ignorance because of two nymphomaniac Princesses.”

“Anon, as much as I’d like to, Celestia and Luna would kill me,” she grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I’d really rather not evoke their ire again.”

“Then - uh -” he uneasily began, “couldn’t you just erase their memory of ever doing it?”

Eris sat motionless and stared dead at his face, as her features went slack. “You know, I hadn’t thought of that…” she muttered under her breath, giving another reality distorting snap of her digits. With the deed apparently done, and the world brought back to some semblance of biological normalcy, she grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. “I think you owe me two more rounds for all this assistance I’ve been giving, but I’m enjoying this, what do you call it, pillow talk too much to stop.”

“Yeah,” he weakly laughed, patting her back, “to be honest, I am too.”

“Now that the important business is settled, we need to get back to the real question,” she insisted.

Overjoyed that his biggest concerns had been effortlessly dealt with, he smiled like an idiot. “And what’s the real question?”

“What we’re going to do with you,” she hummed, lifting a hand and pressing a finger to his lips. “Because the way I see it, you have a few options to choose from.”

New Career Path

“As I’m sure you’re aware, Twilight has gotten approval for some new and exquisitely diverse academy to be built in Ponyville,” Eris stated.

Staying right where he was, content to remain in her embrace, Anon shook his head. “I actually haven’t heard of it, but go on.”

“I could, if given a bit of encouragement, pull a few cosmic strings and get you a job at this establishment - after it’s been built, that is. No more living in Twilight’s castle, no more being ferried around and shown off like some exotic pet - simply a humble life that will totally be devoid of any obscene hijinks,” she tittered.

Her tone and giddy demeanor smacked of mischief, yet he was compelled to hear more. Having a normal life, working a job and being able to court someone, would be a refreshing change of pace, even if many would consider such things boring. Considering the matter, wondering what other thoughts she may have, he craned his neck and kissed her collar.

“Just don’t make me a janitor or something,” he noted.

His comment caused her to guffaw and kick her legs in amusement, doing little to reassure his unease that she’d meddle with the prospective offer. “Why I’d never get you such a demeaning career - anyways, yes, there’s one other issue we’ll have to address.”

“That being?” he pressed.

“After we spend a bit more time together, I’m going to have to wipe the memory of this whole ordeal from that delightfully round head of yours. I’m sorry, but having a wayward human traipsing about knowing he’s bedded myself and half the royals in the land simply won’t do,” she resignedly admitted.

Digesting what she’d said, he kept silent. There was no denying she’d made a damn good point, especially since nobody else would have any knowledge of what had transpired, and he was finding it difficult to make a counterargument. For all intents and purposes, he was being offered a new life, a chance to wipe the slate clean, and all the opportunities which came with it. After mulling the idea over for a minute, he gave her a small nod and sealed his fate.

“Alrighty then,” she chirped, giving yet another snap. “Once you leave here, maybe after a few days of being my guest, you’ll be whisked back to Twilight’s castle as if nothing had happened at all. While this path you’ve chosen may not happen overnight, since the school has yet to be constructed, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of fun…”

Author's Note

Psssst
In case you missed it, there's a link at the end.

A Web To Weave

“You know, as indulgent as it would be for me to keep you, there is a certain somepony I feel could genuinely use a fine man like you in her life,” Eris remarked.

“Oh?” he quipped, wriggling against her. “And who would that be?”

“Well she’s somepony who’s cunning, powerful, and quite the capable leader,” she explained, twisting her hand to embellish the statement.

With his interest growing increasingly piqued, he lifted his head. “Is she nice?”

“Goodness no!” she cackled, holding the man to herself. “She may be the biggest shrew to ever walk upon Equestria - that said, she’s not without a certain je ne sais quoi. To sweeten the deal, I’d even use a few of my connections to get you an apartment and land you a job at that bowling alley you’re so fond of!”

“Huh…” he grunted, curious about the proposition.

While he wasn’t about to play a game of fifty-questions, he felt reasonably certain that the Lady of Chaos wouldn’t try to hook him up with some murderous, megalomaniachal fiend. Eris had caused him a good bit of trouble, that much was certain, but she hadn’t actually done anything to hurt him - in fact, in hindsight, he’d actually had quite a few fun, raunchy moments on his escapades. Pecking the base of her neck, he smiled up at her.

“So I’ll get an apartment, a job, and get a blind date with someone? Sure, why not, sign me up,” he sighed.

Softly tittering to herself, she patted his head then withdrew her hand. “After we spend a bit more time together, I’m going to have to wipe the memory of this whole ordeal from that delightfully round head of yours. I’m sorry, but having a wayward human traipsing about, knowing he’s bedded myself and half the royals in the land, simply won’t do,” she resignedly admitted.

Digesting what she’d said, he kept silent. There was no denying she’d made a damn good point, especially since nobody else would have any knowledge of what had transpired, and he was finding it difficult to make a counterargument. For all intents and purposes, he was being offered a new life, a chance to wipe the slate clean, and all the opportunities which came with it. After mulling the idea over for a minute, he gave her a small nod and sealed his fate.

“Alrighty then,” she chirped, giving yet another snap. “Once you leave here, maybe after a few days of being my guest, you’ll be whisked back to Twilight’s castle as if nothing had happened at all. While this path you’ve chosen may not happen overnight, since I’m going to need to make a few arrangements, I’m sure you’ll get along just splendidly with your impending date…”

Author's Note

Psssst
In case you missed it, there's a link at the end.

Seal the Deal

“You know,” she began, listing over and straddling him, “I’ve been giving this whole situation a bit of thought. Despite how skilled you are with amorous matters, perhaps you could pursue an alternate career - specifically one revolving around your hospitality.”

Keenly aware of her heated, damp loins against his crotch, he reached out and rubbed her thighs. “So like customer service work?”

Contorting her torso, she brought her snout to his nose. “Something like that. I was thinking you could open a little bed and breakfast.”

Considering her words, he knit his brow. He had enjoyed dealing with ponies from all walks of life, even before he went on his erotic escapade, so the idea definitely wasn’t the worst he’d heard - that said, there was no way in Tartarus he could afford a house big enough for it. Equestria may have been a fun place to live in, but real estate was not cheap.

“One question,” he muttered, “how could I afford this?”

Rolling her hips forward and back, grinding herself against his hardening manhood, she cupped and fondled her breasts. “Don’t you worry about that. I’m sure I could arrange something for you.”

Suppressing a shiver of delight, he pursed his lips. “I guess it wouldn’t be that hard for you to pull off, seeing as how you can do just about anything.”

“It’s true, I am pretty amazing,” she mused, waggling her eyebrows. “But back to the point. I think it’s more than fair that a healthy young man like you deserves to have a place to call your own. You can’t live under Twilight’s roof forever!”

The corners of his mouth turned up, as she lifted herself and kissed her sopping-wet entrance to the tip of his rigid cock. “On one condition…”

She paused, his manhood only having just graced her snatch. “And what condition is that?”

“Don’t fuck with my head. I know everyone else forgot about everything I’ve done, but I want to keep those memories,” he stated, grabbing her hips.

As she threw her weight downward, impaling herself in one smooth motion, her muzzle split in a twisted grin. “You drive a hard bargain, but I have a condition of my own…” she trailed off, snapping her fingers and instantly blinding the man.

Blinking away the spots in his vision, Anon reflexively pawed at himself while looking around in a panic. He seemed intact, he was still lounging in bed with Eris, and he felt fine, though his suspicions were immediately raised. Peeking up at her, seeing her grinning from ear to ear, he swallowed hard.

“What did you just do…?” he flatly asked.

“Nothing whatsoever,” she tittered, sharing him in her embrace. “I merely wanted to startle you a bit - anyways, yes, I believe we have a deal…”

Author's Note

Could this mean Anon's terribly lewd luck is about to run out?
If your answer was yes, stay tuned to find out...

Mine All Mine

“Any idea what you’ll do once I bring you home?” she sighed, affectionately stroking his chest.

“Honestly, I’m not sure,” he replied, savoring the attention. “Probably get back to my routine and try to find a girlfriend - er - marefriend.”

Her hand slowed ever so slightly, as she fidgeted in place. “Would they have to be a pony? You have so many choices to pick from - not to mention a number of species you hadn’t sampled from yet.”

Shifting his focus from the ceiling to her face, noticing a slight blush in her cheeks, he was reminded of just how attractive she was. Her delicate female features, her lilting voice, and the sanity-defying sex they’d had evoked a rather interesting question - if she had the power to do as she pleased, how was she single? Moving his arm from behind his head, he gently held her hand.

“This might be a bit impulsive, but would you want to get dinner sometime?” he asked.

She stiffened against him, and her eyes widened, before she broke into a fit of laughter. “That’s a good one, Anon. I didn’t take you for a comedian.”

“Who said I was joking?” he seamlessly countered. “You’re funny, good looking, I’m sure you’ve got a ton of wild stories to share, and we’re both one of a kind.”

He couldn’t say what dating an eldritch entity would be like, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to at least try and romance her. Though she was definitely a handful, the relatively small amount of time he’d spent with her had been a blast. Watching her face go a brilliant crimson, as she averted her gaze and looked away, he hugged her tightly.

“So how about it? If you come over to my place, I’ll make us something to eat,” he added, sweetening the deal.

“As much as I appreciate the offer, you don’t even have your own place - that said, maybe we could get some takeout and watch a movie?” she inquired, fiddling with a lock of her snow-white mane.

“Wait,” he grunted, dumbfounded by her statement, “you have TV?”

“Anon, sweet summer child, I’m the Lady of Chaos - of course I have a television!” she snickered. “So would you like pizza or chinese?”

Delighted by the revelation, his smile broadened by the second. “Pizza would be great, but I’d still like to cook for you sometime. Not to brag, but I make some damn good spaghetti.”

“I’m sure you do, Anon,” she hummed. “I’m sure you do…”