Driven Batty

“PREGNANT?! YOU’RE PREGNANT?!”

Ponyville General was usually a relatively calm place. Other than the aftermath of the occasional monster attack, the doctors and nurses of the horsepital would usually see a cold here or a minor injury there, but not much else. Some days, they might not even have a patient. Today however, as had been the case for the last few days, one room in particular was very lively.

“Trixie leaves for a few weeks and you get knocked up? Have you all no shame?”

Trixie, or the Great and Powerful Trixie as she preferred to be called, paced the room, her cape fluttering behind her with each step she took. While the unicorn was usually bombastic, she seemed to be going the extra mile to convey just how outraged she was, much to the displeasure of the nursing staff. Nurse Redheart would have gladly picked up the noisy mare by her tail and thrown her out the sliding front doors herself if not for Twilight.

Starlight, who was sitting at a chair by the door, was pinching the bridge of her nose. “Trixie, this is the third day in a row. Could you please dial it back before you get us all in even more trouble?”

“Dial it back. Dial it back. Trixie has dialed it back. In fact, Trixie is the most dialed back anypony has ever been, especially when she comes back to see her marefriend is knocked up!”

“I’m just a little knocked up. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“How in the holy horseshoes does one get just a little knocked up, Starlight?”

“Like how we all did. Just a little bit.”

“That makes absolutely no sense!”

“Will you please stop yelling?”

“Whydon’tyoustopyelling?!”

Toward the back of the room, lying in bed, trying to block out the argument that was happening just a few feet from him, was Anon. The human had come into the horsepital in a pretty bad state, but thanks to medical professionals and modern medicine, he currently found himself in just a sort of not very good state. He was hooked up to all sorts of IVs and monitors, and would be hooked up to such devices for the next week or so; more if the doctors thought that it was needed.

Lying in the bed with him, mindful of all the tubes and cords, was Twilight. Normally, the staff would have discouraged anypony from lying in bed with a hurt patient, but none had been able to work up the courage to tell the princess off, which suited Twilight just fine. None of the girls had left Anon’s side for long since Princess Luna had slung him over her shoulder and carried him here, but Twilight was particularly protective. She hadn’t quite gotten to the point of keeping the nurses from examining him, but once or twice Starlight had to place a hand on her if Anon made a noise of discomfort while he was being worked on.

On the other side of the bed, with a wing laid over the two, was Fluttershy. She was staring at Trixie with a scrunched up nose. While she was back to her old self again, and therefore very much against direct confrontation, she looked like she wanted to tell the magician off.

“--And another thing! Trixie is sure Anonymous knew of Trixie’s plan to seduce him so she could use his house to store her wagon and fireworks! The randy colt knew it, and realized he could not resist Trixie’s beauty, so the coward allowed himself to knock you up, so he could hide behind a group of mares. Do you hear Trixie, Anon? You are a coward! A coward!.”

His eyes closed, Anon sighed. “I’m going to kill her,” he mumbled. “I’m gonna get up on my broken pelvis and busted knees, walk over there, and kill her.”

“Do you want us to tell her to leave, hon?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, you won’t need to do that after I kill her.”

He heard Fluttershy quietly giggle. Reaching up, he touched her belly. It was too early for her to show, but in a month or three she would; they all would. The spell that Twilight and Starlight had cast was a fertility spell so potent that Starlight had insisted that the mares could have been knocked up by rocks. It had been a pet project of Twilight’s, something she had been working on and off ever since he had left the treebrary. The girls had planned on using it if he had ever been interested in starting a family, but their vampire selves had pushed that particular plan up by years.

When they discovered that they all were pregnant, the four of them had sat down and had a serious discussion. There were some awkward moments, some tears, Anon had even gotten Twilight to bring his old green mask back to the horsepital so he didn’t have a heart attack, but in the end he found himself with three girlfriends, all of which seemed pleased to be referred to as such. When the kids were born, and if they were willing, they might be a whole lot more than that.

News about their relationship somehow swept through town. Even bound in a horsepital bed as he was, he had heard the outrage among the male populace on him snagging a supermodel and a princess in one fell swoop. When he did eventually get out of here there were a few local stallions that might wish words for him.

Anon smiled at the thought, and for a moment he didn’t hear Trixie and Starlight arguing.

All future plans that he had were obliterated. He was going to have three mouths to feed. Twilight had her castle, but he didn’t know if such a place was good to raise foals, meaning that he’d need to start looking for a new house. Starlight wouldn’t be picky, but he had a feeling that Fluttershy would want somewhere near the Whitetail Woods.

It was going to be a lot of work. A whole mess of overtime seemed to be in his future, along with grumpy, hormonal mares. Sleep would probably be a long forgotten dream. Who knows what kind of monster children he’d have; hopefully they were more like their mothers than him. Maybe when the kids were little and they hadn’t destroyed the planet or tore any holes in reality that he’d really lean into being a dad. He’d maybe grow a crappy beard, start telling really bad jokes, and get really into yard work. Heck, he might even be a Coltscout leader if he had any boys.

It was all pretty scary, but, weirdly enough, he found himself looking forward to all of it.

“Anon? ANON! Stop ignoring The Wounded and Upset Trixie right this instant!”

Anon’s smile disappeared as he cracked open an eye. Trixie was standing at the foot of his too small bed, her hands clenched into fists. He closed his eye once, more summoning what inner strength he could.

“Yes, Trixie?” he said.

“You’ve put Trixie through a greal deal with your nonsense, Anonymous. Trixie demands that you make amends by knocking her up along with the other three! You also have to let me keep my fireworks in your basement. The wagon is fine being parked near the castle, but I would prefer it being in your backyard, as the mayor won’t yell at Trixie if it’s there.”

“You want me to knock you up?”

“Yes! It’s only fair since you knocked up Starlight,” Trixie said with a huff. “You should be honored that Trixie wishes to bestow such an honor upon you. Never would you find a better mother, or marefriend than the perfection before you.”

With a hand, Anon motioned Trixie toward him. Ignoring Twilight’s dirty look, Trixie made her way to the side of the bed. Anon reached a hand out. She took it with both of her hands, looking at him expectantly.

“Trixie Lulamoon, I’m going to be completely honest.”

“The Patient and Lovely Trixie adores honesty.”

“Awesome. Trixie, I think I’d rather get my pelvis broken and my ribs all busted again than knock you up.”

He opened his eyes and flashed the now outraged mare a kind smile.

“You are the biggest, bluest pain in the ass I think I ever met, and when I can walk around again the first thing I’m gonna do is steal the wheels on your wagon. I’m stealing every one of those bastards, and the spare too, and I’m gonna hide them in your wagon cause I know you’re gonna be too upset to even look in there, you beautiful, big-titted weirdo. God, you are just… awful.”

The commotion that Trixie made got not only her, but everyone in the room but Anon kicked out of the horsepital. That night, the human had his best sleep in years, dreaming of beautiful mares with babies in their arms.