Ponyville Villains Hospital

by Brian Sheil

Rating: everyone
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Tirek, Comedy
Length: 6863

This is my tribute to the ‘Veterinarian’s Hospital’ sketch from “The Muppet Show”.

After Chrysalis finally reforms, she joins former villains Tirek and Cozy Glow to work in a hospital. Crazy shenanigans happen along the way.

Published 2022-06-01 18:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-31 21:09:08 UTC

Bulk Biceps

It is time for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

Inside the Operating Room, Bulk Biceps laid down on the table as Dr. Tirek starts singing. "Hut-Sut Ralston on the rillah with a brawla, brawla, sooit."

"Dr. Tirek," Nurse Chrysalis protested, "you can't be singing at a time like this."

"I'm not singing At a Time Like This, I'm singing Hut-Sut Ralston. An oldie but goodie."

Bulk laid on the table, getting worried. "How did I get myself into this story collection?"

Tirek tried to comfort his patient. "Take it easy, Bulk."

"Dr. Tirek," Nurse Cozy Glow said, "The patient is sinking."

Dr. Tirek then speaks with a German accent. "Vell, I Vander vhat he's sinking about."

😅😂🙂😜😝👀👅

He speaks regularly again, comforting Cozy. "Laugh it up, Nurse. These are the jokes!"

"The only joke around here is YOU, Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow said angrily. "This patient needs your assistance."

"Well, you're my assistants. But, what's he going to do with the two of you, I'll never know."

"Look!" Bulk said. "Either you help me or let me out of here!"

"Well," Dr. Tirek wondered, "what seems to be the problem?"

"I keep breaking out in a cold sweat."

Tirek looks under the sheet. "Oh ho. Well, I see." He comes out from under the sheet. "You have a clear case of Pentransitphobia."

Bulk and the nurses were confused. "Huh"?

"That's a dread fear of traveling through the state of Pennsylvania."

"Enough of your pitiful jokes, Dr. Tirek." Nurse Chrysalis said. "You dedicated yourself to saving lives."

"You're right." Tirek replied. "I saved 6 lives last week."

"By operating." Bulk asked.

"No, by NOT operating."

✖➿❇⁉️⏬

"Dr. Tirek," Nurse Cozy Glow said, "you give this hospital a bad name."

"You're right." Tirek replied. "Fred is a terrible name for a hospital."

WAA WAA!

"Our hospital needs a better name. How about Eunice." Tirek added.

"This is impossible!" Bulk said angrily. "Do you have a license?"

"Of course." Tirek replied. "Most creatures cared for have licenses. The leash laws in Ponyville are very rough."

BOO!!

"You dummy!" Bulk said. "I mean, do you have a license to practice?"

"Yes." Titek replied. "And, I am going to practice on you." He then turns to Nurse Chrysalis. "Bongos?"

"Bongos, Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said as ahe brings out small bongo drums."

"Bongos?" Bulk gasped.

Putting the bongo drums on Bulk, Tirek drums away.

And so, Dr. Tirek proceeds with his bongo practice. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say....

"Dr. Tirek. It's too late. You lost him."

"Well, he couldn't have gone far." Tirek replied. "He was just under the sheet just a second ago. "

Chrysalis and Cozy Glow were annoyed as Dr. Tirek chuckled silently. Bulk Biceps didn't like that last line either.

Telephone

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

The three medical workers are ready at the Operating Room.

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "Are you ready for your next paitent?"

"Next paitent?" Tirek gasped. "What happened to my last one?"

"He left for another doctor."

"Which doctor?"

"That's right."

⭐🌟🌠⚡🔥

"Oh. Here it is, Dr. Tirek" Cozy said as she points to the table.

Tirek lifts the sheet. It’s there when he realized that his next patient is something different. "It's a telephone! What's the matter with it?"

"It isn't working." Cozy Glow replied.

"If it isn't working, have it get a job so it can pay me."

☎️📞📳📱📶☎️

Cozy Glow had a thought. "Maybe it's a pay phone."

💲💲💲💲💲💲💲💲

"Dr. Tirek," Chrysalis interrupted, "do you know anything about repairing telephones?"

"No," Tirek replied, "but I can look it up in the book."

"The medical book?"

"No, the telephone book." Tirek pulls out a phone book.

📞📚📞📚📞📚

Tirek looks through the phone book. Cozy got curious. "What do you think, Dr. Tirek?"

"I think it's jaundice." Tirek answered.

"How do you know?" Chrysalis asked.

"Well look at all of these yellow pages."

🤒😷🤮🤢💉

"Dr Tirek," Cozy Glow said, "do you think the telephone needs an anesthetic?"

"If so," Tirek replied, "make it a local."

"Why?"

"Because, long distance costs too much."

💰💰💰💰💰💰

Chrysalis was laughing at that last comment. Tirek go her attention. "Nurse Chrysalis, do you have the next line?”

"Yes." Chrysalis said while trying to stop laughing. "But, I...I...I can’t say it."

"Why not?"

"The...th....the line's busy!"

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

After everyone recovered, Cozy Glow got concerned. "Dr. Tirek! Dr. Tirek! Are you ever going to operate?"

"No," Tirek replied, "but I think I know who can?"

"Who?"

Tirek picks up the phone. "The telephone operator."

☎️📞☎️📞☎️📞☎️📞

So, once again, Dr. Tirek is off the hook.

"Are you talking to me?" Tirek said before hanging up.

Tune in again next week, when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say.....

"Does this telephone remind you of something?"

"Well," Tirek replied, "it does ring a bell."

Bread

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

In the Operating Room, Chrysalis and Cozy Glow are waiting for Tirek to arrive.

"Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow called out. "Dr Tirek! Your next paitent is waiting for you!"

Tirek enters the Operating Room and greeted his nurses. "Hello, ladies. I was tending to an emergency. One of Octavia Melody's friends in a symphony orchestra fell through his harp."

"Where's the paitent now?" Chrysalis asked with concern.

"In rooms 9, 10, 11, and 12."

🎺🎻🎹🪗🥁🎷🎵🎶🎼

"Now," Tirek said, "where's my next paitent?"

"Over here, Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow said.

Tirek fondled with the sheet. "Little fellow, isn't he?"

He soon discovered a loaf of bread with a face.

"Wait a minute!" Tirek gasped. "This isn't a paitent. It's a loaf of bread!"

"And, a very sick one." The bread said in a weak tone.

"Good grief!" Chrysalis gasped. "Talking bread!"

"Dr. Tirek," Cozy said, "what do you make of it?"

Tirek gave the girls a sneaky smile. "What else? TOAST."

🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞🍞

So, Dr. Tirek has discovered edible paitents. Tune on next week when you'll hear Nurse Cozy Glow say....

"Dr. Tirek, should I prepare the anesthetic?"

"No," Tirek replied, "just stand by with the marmalade."

Dog

And now, "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

It's another day in the Operating Room as the three reformed baddies are ready to get to work again.

"Okay, Nurse Cozy Glow." Tirek said. "Where's the next paitent?"

"He's right here, Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow replied.

Tirek flifted up the sheet, and sees a dog lying on the table.

"It's a dog!" Tirek realized. "I hope it don't have fleas."

"Why not?" Chrysalis asked.

"I'd hate to start from scratch."

🐶🐕🐩🐕‍🦺🐶

"What kind of dog do you think it is, Dr. Tirek?" Cozy asked.

"Ask him what time it is." Tirek answered.

"Why?"

"Maybe it's a Watchdog."

⌚🕛🕛⏱🕛⌚

"Or, it could be a guard dog." Tirek said. "I spoke to Spoiled Rich recently. She told me that one of her marefriends was attacked by her own guard dog."

Chrysalis got intrigued. "Doberman Pinscher?"

"No, Doberman BIT her."

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

"Nurse Cozy Glow," Tirek said, "where's did you find this little fella?"

Cozy gave Tirek a comical answer. "At the Lost and Hound department."

😆🤣😅🙂😁

"I wish this dog was a daschund." Tirek said.

"Why?" Cozy asked.

"I'd like to get a long little doggie."

🤠👢🤠👢🤠👢

And so, once again, Dr. Tirek has taken the bulldog by the horns. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say...

"Dr. Tirek, it looks like this poor little puppy is running a fever."

"In that case," Tirek replied, "go get some mustard."

"Mustard?"

"Sure. That's what you put on a hot dog."

Bunny

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

"Okay, Nurse Cozy Glow." Tirek said. "Where's my first patient today?"

"He right over here, Dr. Tirek." Cozy replied.

The paitent was a little bunny rabbit. Chrysalis soon fell in love with it. "Aw. What a cute little bunny. I wonder what his name is."

"Well, he's not saying 'Eh, what's up, doc?'," Tirek replied, "so it's not you know who."

"Who, Doctor?" Cozy asked.

"Not Who Doctor, Dr. Who. And, that's a different show."

🔬🧪🔭🔬🧪🔭

"Is he related to Dr. Which?" Cozy asked.

"Not Dr. Which," Tirek replied. "Witch Doctor. And, that's a different ball game."

😓😓😓😓😓😓

"Oh." Cozy Glow said. "So, Dr. Who's on first."

⚾️⚾️⚾️⚾️⚾️⚾️

Chrysalis is starting to get annoyed. "I asked for the bunny's name, and I got Abbott and Costello."

The little bunny is getting fidgety. "Would you guys hurry up? I'm late! I'm late!"

"For a very important date?" Tirek chuckled.

"That's a different kind of bunny."

"So, you're not the White Rabbit?"

"No, I'm the wrong rabbit."

🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇

"Sweet Celestia." Chrysalis groaned. "Now, I got Rabbit and Costello."

Cozy Glow got Tirek's attention. "Dr. Tirek, may I remind you that this is a hospital?"

"Thanks for the reminder." Tirek said. "The way these jokes are dying, I thought it was a morgue."

💀☠⚰💀☠⚰

"Hurry up, please." The bunny pleaded. "I have to get back to my hutch."

"Your what?" Tirek asked.

"His hutch." Chrysalis said. "That's where rabbits live."

"I know that. If fact, I know where it is. It's behind a famous cathedral."

"Oh?" The nurses said.

"You must've heard of it. It's called The Hutch Back of Notre Dame."

⛪⛪⛪⛪⛪⛪

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. "That rings a bell."

🔔🛎🔔🛎🔔🛎

And so, another episode of "Ponyville Villains Hospital" hops off on the bunny trail.

"Good!" Tirek calls out.

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Cozy Glow say....

"Dr. Tirek, you went a long way for that joke. You should've packed a lunch."

"I did." Tirek replied. "I had it in the back of that cathedral."

"Oh?" The nurses said.

"I had The Lunch back of Notre Dame."

Author's Note

Megan and Danny are babysitting the Cake twins. Megan read this chapter to them.
MEGAN: What do you think?
DANNY: I don't think these stories are good for children.
PUMPKIN: We don't think these stories..
POUND: are good for anypony.

Everybody had a good laugh.

Viking

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

"Well, Nurse Chrysalis." Tirek said. "Are you ready to save another life?"

"Yes, Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis replied.

"Good. Send the paitent to another hospital."

🏨🏨🏨🏨🏨🏨

"Dr. Tirek," Cozy Glow interrupted, "this is a special paitent."

The doctor looked at the paitent. It was a light brown pony with a dark brown mane, tail, and beard. He has on a helmet with horns and a black tribal outfit.

"Hmm." Tirek said. "Looks like an unfortunate bullfighter. Gored through the gourd."

🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮🐮

The paitent rose up. Tirek pushed him back down. "Down, boy!"

"Dr. Tirek," Chrysalis said, "those horns are part of his helmet. He's a viking."

"I know all about vikings." Tirek informed. "They come from Denmark. I have an ancestor who's a viking. He had a faithful dog with him."

"This isn't going to be a Great Dane Joke. Is it?"

"Well, it's a Dane joke. But, I wouldn't call it great."

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶🐶

"Please, Dr. Tirek." Cozy pleaded. "No jokes just because he's Danish."

"Don't blame me." Tirek said. "I ordered a roll. Not a danish."

🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥🍥

"Come on, Cozy." Tirek said. "Got to keep 'em fast and furious."

Cozy looked at the doctor. "How about fast and funny."

😄😄😄😄😁😁😁

The viking rose from the table. "Look. Would you hurry up? I got to get back to my plundering and pillaging."

"Down, boy." Tirek said as he pushed the viking down again. "My ancestor, the viking, was terrible at plundering and pillaging. He blundered his plundering and was stupid at his pillaging."

The nurses and viking asked, "How stupid was he?"

"They called him 'The Pillage Idiot'."

😝🤪😜😝🤪😛

And so, another chapter of "Ponyville Villains Hospital" is setting sail. Tune in again next week when you'll hear Dr. Tirek say....

"Good night. And, may the lord take a viking to you."

Singing Weatherman

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

Chrysalis is getting a little worried because the roof of the Operating Room is damaged. There's a big hole on the roof.

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said with concern. "How can you operate without a roof?"

"It's better without a roof." Tirek replied. "Cuts down on the overhead."

BOOO!

"That's doctor talk." Tirek said.

"But, suppose it rains." Chrysalis said with concern.

"Then, we'll head for the nearest tax shelter."

🌧🌩⚡🌂☔

"That's more doctor talk." Tirek said as he calls for his other nurse. "Oh, Nurse Cozy Glow!"

Cozy flies in the room. "Yes, Dr. Tirek?"

"Where have you been?"

"Getting angry calls from the Medical Association."

"Ooooo."

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "The sky is threatening."

"So are the readers. But, that never stopped us."

😠😠😠😠😠😠

"I don't know if we should operate." Chrysalis said nervously.

"Why don't we ask the patient?" Cozy suggested. "He might know. He's a weatherman."

Dr. Tirek was curious. "You mean whether or not we should operate?"

🌧🌪🌬⚡🌂💧

The sound of Thunder scared Tirek badly. "I didn't think it was that bad."

The weatherman started to sing. 🎶 I don't know why the sun is not in the sky. 🎶

"I do. Because it's nighttime. What a dumb weatherman."

"No he's not, Dr. Tirek." Cozy said. "He's a singing weatherman. He's telling you that we're in for stormy weather."

"He's right." Chrysalis said. "We ARE in for stormy weather. I felt a few raindrops."

The weatherman sang again. 🎶Raindrops keep falling on my head. 🎶

Tirek is getting annoyed. "There will be a lot more falling on your head in a moment! Where's that thermometer?"

And so, another episode of "Ponyville Villains Hospital" is clearing away from the area.

TIREK: He must be on a cloud.

Tune in again next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say....

"Dr. Tirek. It's getting worse!" Hail started coming into the room. "It's beginning to hail!"

"Hail?" Tirek said.

🎶 The Gang's all here. 🎶 The weatherman sang.

TIREK, CHRYSALIS, and COZY GLOW : Will you shut up?!

Shoe

And now, "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

After the roof was fixed, Dr. Tirek and his nurses returned to their positions in the Operating Room.

"Testing, 1, 2. Testing," Dr. Tirek said to his stethoscope. He soon got his composure back. "Okay, Nurse Cozy. Where's the next paitent?"

"He's right here, Dr. Tirek." Cozy replied.

After lifting the sheet, Dr. Tirek saw just a shoe in the table.

"Hey! It's just a shoe!" Tirek realized. "Where's the rest of him?"

Chrysalis studied the situation. "Maybe he got cold feet."

🦶🦶🦶🦶🦶🦶

"Let's see what wrong with it." Tirek said as he examples the shoe. "Aha! It's an 8 and a half triple D."

"8 and a half triple D?" Cozy asked.

"That's about the size of it."

👞👟👠🥿👡👞👟

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "What are you going to start on?"

"The shoestring." Tirek said. "Everypony starts on a shoestring."

Cozy Glow watches Tirek look at the shoestring. "What do you think, Dr. Tirek?"

"I think it's arsenic poisoning?" Tirek replied.

"Arsenic?"

"Sure. Just look at this old lace."

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. "Arcenic and Old Lace?"

💥💫💣⭐⭐⭐⭐

CHRYSALIS: That's an old show.

TIREK: That's an old shoe.

COZY GLOW: That's an old joke.

😂🤣😅😂🙃🙂😊

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "Aren't you going to examine the paitent?"

"Yes, I am." Tirek replied as he turns to the shoe. "Hey, shoe. Stick out your tongue and say 'Ah'."

The shoe opened up, it's leather part extended as Dr. Tirek examines it. Cozy Glow was shocked. "Dr. Tirek! This shoe has a coat on its tongue."

"Of course." Tirek replied. "It's cold outside."

"How do you know?"

"🎶Oh, the leather outside is frightful. 🎶."

❄❄❄❄❄❄

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said with concern. "You're not going to sing a song now. Are you?"

"Why not?" Tirek replied. "There's no business like shoe business."

😓😓😓😓😓😓

So once again, Dr. Tirek is barking up the wrong shoe tree.

"Woof woof!"

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis, Nurse Cozy Glow, and Dr. Tirek sing.....

"🎶He will never walk alone.🎶"

Creepy Thing

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

The three look over at the strange creature on the table. It seems to be a blue furry bird type creature with three feet in a wheel pattern.

"Okay," Tirek said, "let's look at our next paitent. What seems to be the problem?"

"I think he has flat feet, Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow replied.

"Looks more like a flat tire to me." Chrysalis added.

Tirek came up with an idea. "Looks like a case of three left feet."

👣👣👣👣👣👣👣

"Three feet, Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "What do you make of that?"

Tirek gave a response. "Oh, about a yard."

📏📏📏📏📏📏📏

"But, is it serious, Dr. Tirek?" Cozy asked.

"Let's face it." Tirek replied. "This bird has one foot in the grave."

"But, he has three feet on the table."

"That's nothing." The paitent said. "I have two feet in Cincinnati."

Chrysalis realized something. "That's six feet, Dr. Tirek. What do you make of that?"

Tirek answered Chrysalis. "Oh, about a fathom."

💧💧💧💧💧💧

"I certainly can't fathom any of this." Chrysalis protested.

And so, Dr. Tirek has performed another incredible medical feet. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say....

"Shall I call a specialist, Dr. Tirek?"

"No." Tirek replied. "Just call a toe truck."

Pinocchio

It's time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

Tirek, Chrysalis, and Cozy Glow are in the Operating Room with a wooden puppet as a paitient.

"Dr. Tirek," Cozy Glow said, "this is Pinocchio. He wants a nose job."

👃👃👃👃👃

"This is not just a job." Tirek said. "It's a career."

😁😁😁😁😁😁

"How did his nose get so long anyway?" Tirek asked. "Was his mother scared of the Concorde?"

✈✈✈✈✈✈

"Dr. Tirek!" Chrysalis interrupted. "This patient is made of wood."

"Well then," Tirek replied, "he doesn't need a doctor. He needs a tree surgeon "

🌳🌲🌴🌳🌲🌴

"You don't understand." Pinocchio said. "Every time I tell a lie, my nose grows a foot."

Tirek made a bad comment. "Then, you need a foot doctor."

🦶🦶🦶🦶🦶🦶

"That's funny." Pinocchio said.

Pinocchio's nose grew. The medical staff was shocked to see this.

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "With a nose like that, I wonder if he has a keen sense of smell."

"I hope not." Tirek replied. "This chapter could kill him."

🦨🦨🦨🦨🦨

"Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow said with concern. "You've got to help him. Shorten his nose so that he'll feel better."

"I have a better idea." Tirek said. "I'll shorten this chapter so we can all feel better."

😛😜🤪😝😋

Tirek looks up. "And so, we come to the end!"

And so, we come to the end of another "Ponyville Villains Hospital". Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Tirek say....

"Wait a minute! I just remembered. I can’t operate on anyone made of wood."

"Why not?" Pinocchio asked.

"Because I can't stand the sight of sawdust."

🪚🪚🪚🪚🪚🪚

Cow

It is time for another episode of "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

As today's chapter begins, Chrysalis walks in when she sees a cow on the operating table.

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "Where did we get this paitent from?"

"Well," Tirek explained, "she was found with a bunch of cows."

"Not bunch. Herd."

"Herd of what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course, I heard of cows."

🐮🐂🐮🐂🐮🐂

"No. No. No." Chrysalis said. "I mean the cow's herd."

"I don't care if the cow's heard." Tirek replied. "I haven't said anything to be ashamed of."

😆😅😆😅🤣

"Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow interrupted. "Aren't you going to operate."

"No," Tirek replied. "I think we milked this chapter long enough."

🥛🥛🥛🥛🥛🥛

"Look!" The cow shouted. "I have a 'steak' in this too, you know."

🥩🥩🥩🥩🥩🥩

And so, another episode of "Ponyville Villains Hospital" is stampeding off. Tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say...

"This has really been a moo-ving experience."

Pinkie Pie

And now, Ponyville Villains Hospital. The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

Nurse Chrysalis and Dr.Tirek were examining Pinkie Pie who was brought in to the hospital after she was feeling not so right. Soon, Nurse Cozy Glow flies in.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Tirek." Cozy said. "I was busy operating in the other room."

"I know." Tirek replied. "It's the talk of the hospital."

Using a stethoscope, Dr. Tirek checks Pinkie’s heart. The party pony yells in the stethoscope. "BOOGALA! BOOGALA!"

Recovering, Dr. Tirek pushes her back on the table. "Now, cut that out!" He then turns to Nurse Chrysalis. "Let me have the ear thing."

Chrysalis gives Tirek an otoscope. "Ear thing, Dr. Tirek."

Tirek uses the otoscope to scratch behind his ear. "Feels good." He puts it down and turns to Nurse Cozy Glow. "Stick?"

Cozy gives Tirek a tongue depresser. "Stick, Dr. Tirek."

He throws it far. "Fetch!"

Cozy Glow flies out to fetch the stick. Pinkie raises her head up. "What's that all about?"

"She's my laboratory retriever." Tirek answered.

Cozy flies in with the stick in her mouth. Tirek praises her. "Good girl."

"Thank you." Cozy replied as Tirek takes the tongue depresser back.

"'Well, what do you think, Dr. Tirek?" Chrysalis asked.

"I think this pony is sick." Tirek answered. "She ought to see a doctor."

"But, Dr. Tirek, you ARE a doctor."

Pinkie Pie sat up quickly. "That's your opinion. I'm getting out of here!"

Tirek pushes Pinkie back on the table. "No you dont!"

"You can't leave, Pinkie." Cozy Glow said. "Dr. Tirek is the only one who can save you now."

"She's right." Tirek added. "I saved over 500 last year."

"Patients?" Pinkie wondered.

"No. Dollars."

😂🤣😃😊:pinkiehappy::trollestia::twilightsmile:

"Of course," Tirek continues, "I lost over 200 pounds."

"In weight" Pinkie asked.

"No. In England."

😂🤣🙂😊:derpytongue2::rainbowlaugh::yay:

"Dr. Tirek, you should be ashamed of yourself!" Chrysalis protested. "You call yourself a doctor, Dr. Tirek?!"

"I never call myself a doctor." Tirek replied. "They don't come when you call anyway."

Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say....

"Dr. Tirek, you're losing all of your patience."

"I can't help it." Tirek replied. "I have a short temper!" He holds his hand at his waist. "It's about this high."

The nurses looks at him, understanding what he's saying.

PINKIE PIE: Can I go now?

Giant Dragon

Time once again for 'Ponyville Villains Hospital'. The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

Dr. Tirek, Nurse Chrysalis, and Nurse Cozy Glow arrived in the Operating Room where a large midnight blue dragon lays on the table.

"Okay," Tirek said, "where's our next case?"

"He's right here, Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow answered, pointing to the dragon.

"What's he in for?"

"A stomachache, Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said."

"Stomachache. Check."

Grabbing a small mallet, Dr. Tirek hits the Dragon in the stomach, making him growl in pain. Tirek is pleased. "There. That should ache for some time."

"He's also in for a sore throat." Cozy Glow informed.

"Easy." Tirek replied as he raised his mallet.

"WAIT!!" The dragon yelled, stopping Tirek. "I HAVE a sore throat. I just want it to go away."

Tirek realized his mistake. "We'll, why didn't you say so. Open up."

Looking inside the dragon's mouth, Tirek made a discovery. "Oh ho. I think I see the problem."

"What is it, Dr. Tirek?" Chrysalis and Cozy Glow asked at the same time.

"There's something in his throat that's making him sound a little hoarse."

"Are you certain?" Chrysalis asked.

"Positive."

Suddenly, out pops Twilight Sparkle looking at the trio. She is annoyed at Tirek's comment. "Very funny. Just see if Mr. Sheil will ever make another chapter of this story collection for fimfiction.net again."

Twilight pokes her head back down.

And so, Dr. Tirek discovered a patient with a bad case of ingrown Equestrian Princess. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Tirek say...

"All right, let's clean up around here. This operating room us a mess!"

Twilight Sparkle pokes her head out of the dragon's mouth again. "That's nothing. You should see what it's like in here."

As Twilight smiles, Tirek shoves her back down, not too thrilled for her comment.

Chicken

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

After drinking some water from a water bottle, Dr. Tirek looks at the sheet on the operating table. But, he is upset.

"No! NO!" Tirek said. "Sorry, my companions. But, I'm afraid I can't perform this operation."

"Why not, Dr. Tirek?" Cozy Glow asked.

"Frankly, I'm chicken."

"No," Chrysalis said pointing at the sheet, "that's a chicken."

Tirek lifts up the sheet, and sees it IS a chicken. "So, it is."

"Besides," Cozy said, "this should be right up your alley."

"You're right." Tirek replied. "Ever since my reformation, I've been studying the habits of birds."

"Really, Dr. Tirek?" Chrysalis asked.

"Yep. Every year, I fly south for the winter."

RIM SHOT

CHRYSALIS, COZY GLOW, AND CHICKEN: Don't your arms get tired?

RIM SHOT

Tirek places his hands in a prayer position. He speaks softly. "There will now be a moment of silence."

Cozy Glow got confused. "What for?"

"For that joke that just died in the Operating Room."

😃😁😅🤣🙂😛

"Seriously, Doctor." Chrysalis said. "What about your paitent?"

Tirek realized that Nurse Chrysalis has a point. "We'll, we have a choice. We can do a chicken appendectomy, a chicken tonsillectomy, or a chicken curry fricassee."

The chicken slowly crawls away. Tirek quickly grabs it and put it back on the table. "Hold on. We gotta do something about this turkey."

"It's a chicken!" Chrysalis said.

The chicken soon clucked nervously. "I'm a chicken. This whole chapter is a turkey."

RIM SHOT

So, Dr. Tirek runs afoul of a fowl. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say,

"Many of Dr. Tirek's patients are chickens."

"Why is that?" Cozy Glow asked.

"Because, HE'S FOR THE BIRDS!"

Blackout

It's time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

The Operating Room is in the dark. Chrysalis comes in with a flashlight on hoof. "Where are you guys?"

"We're over here." Tirek replied.

Chrysalis saw Tirek and Cozy Glow at the table. Fortunately, their halogen lanterns gathered enough sunlight to light up the room.

"Dr. Tirek," Cozy Glow said with concern, "it's so dark in here, you can't see your hand in front of your face."

"Don't worry. I remember what it looks like." Tirek said. "It's red, has four fingers and a thumb."

"Let's cancel the operation." Chrysalis suggests. "It's too dangerous. Nopony can see a thing."

"It it includes the readers, this'll be the safest chapter we ever did."

😂🤣😅🙂🤪😄😁😆

"Just a minute." Tirek said as he ducks under the table. He rises up with a helmet with a light on it.

"That's a miner's helmet." Chrysalis realized.

"Yes!" He holds up a proper object. "And, a pick! Now, where's the paitent?"

"You can't use a pick on a paitent?"

"I can on the patient's pockets."

💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰

"Now, where is he?" Tirek asked.

Cozy Glow points to a yellow pony with a black mane and tail, and wearing a blue outfit. "Over here, Dr. Tirek. He was trying to fix the lights when he got a severe shock."

"When he sees who his doctor is," Chrysalis said, "he'll get a bigger one."

😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

"Not that kind of shock." Cozy Glow said. "He got hit by 10,000 volts."

"Wow!" Tirek gasped. "That's enough to get him elected. What was he running for?"

"The hills, if he had any sense." Chrysalis answered.

WAA WAAA!

Cozy Glow got annoyed. "Not votes. VOLTS!"

"In that case," Tirek said, "run some volts through him again."

"Again?!"

"Sure. That's called REVOLTING!"

⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡

CHRYSALIS AND COZY GLOW:It most certainly is.

And so, it's lights out for another episode of “Ponyville Villains Hospital". Tune in next week when you'll hear Doctor Tirek say.....

"Listen, if it's still dark when he comes to," Tirek pulls out a pen, " give him this."

Chrysalis was surprised to see this object. "That's just a ball point pen with a little light. What good is that?"

"He can see when he signs a check."

Discord

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

When Chrysalis came into the Operating Room, she sees the Tirek is looking a little uneasy.

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "You don't look so good. Is something wrong?"

"Sorry, Nurse Chrysalis." Tirek replied. "I'm still in shock from my last patient."

"But, you cured him."

"You don't call that a shock?"

😱😱😱😱😱😱

"Well," Cozy Glow said, "here's the next one."

"Shock or paitent?" Tirek asked.

"Both."

Tirek lifted the sheet and sees that it's Discord, the Master of chaos. Everybody got a big surprise seeing him.

"I'm not sick." Discord said. "I'm just here for laughs."

Chrysalis looked at Discord smugly. "Boy, are you in the wrong place."

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

"As long as I'm here," Discord informed, "I would like to donate my body to science."

"With a body like that," Tirek said, "you should donate it to science fiction."

🥼🔭🔬👩‍🔬⚛⚛⚛

"Donate your body?" Cozy gasped. "Shouldn't you be dead first?"

"Who cares?" Discord said. "I believe in reincarnation."

"Oh." Chrysalis said. "What would you like to come back as next time?"

"How should I know? I don't know what I am this time."

❓❔❓❔❓❔❓❔

And, this marks the end of another episode of "Ponyville Villains Hospital".

"That's our announcer." Tirek told Discord.

Tune in again next week when you'll hear Nurse Chrysalis say...

"Doctor, Tirek. Should we operate on him?"

"Yes." Tirek answered. "I am going to remove a vital organ like I've done many times before while singing a popular song by Paul Simon."

"Terrific!" Discord cheered. "What the song called?"

"50 Ways to Leave Your Liver."

Duck

And now, "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

The three former bad guys are in the Operating Room with a duck laying on the table.

"Well, Dr. Tirek." Nuse Cozy Glow said. "Here's the next patient."

"Okay." Tirek replied as he studies the paitent. "What do he have here? Another sick chicken?"

" I'm not a chicken." The duck said. "I'm a duck."

"Should I prepare the surgery on the chicken?" Cozy Glow asked.

"DUCK!"-🦆

The medical crew ducked under the table. They came out slowly.

"What was that?" Chrysalis asked.

"Somebody yelled 'Duck'." Cozy replied.

Tirek regained his composure. "We'll, let's get back to the chicken."

"DUCK!"-🦆

The three medical ducked again. They came back up slowly.

"I don't understand what's going on." Tirek said.

Chrysalis noticed that the light fixture over the table is wobbling. "Duck!"

The nurses ducked down. Tirekk didn't follow them. "Oh no. I'm not falling for that again."

BANG! The fixture fell on Tirek's head.

So, Dr. Tirek suffered a severe blow. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Tirek say to his paitent...

"Listen, what kind of doctor do you think I am?"

The duck gave Tirek a simple answer. "Quack."

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

"I should've known better than to ask a chicken."

"DUCK!"-🦆

The crew ducked down again. The duck chuckled silently.

Hawaiian Girl

It's time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

In the Operating Room today, a young human girl with black hair wearing a red t shirt and a tropical wrap around skirt lays on the table.

"Okay, Nurse Cozy Glow." Tirek said. "Where's the next paitent?"

"Right here, Dr. Tirek." Cozy replied as she points to the girl.

"Where's she from?"

"Hawaii."

"I'm fine. Thanks. How are you?"

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

"Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said. "That's got to be the oldest joke since they renamed the islands."

"What we they called before?" Tirek asked.

"Sandwich."

"No thanks. I might get crumbs on the paitent."

🥪🥪🥪🥪🥪🥪

"Dr. Tirek." Cozy said. "This girl was brought to Equestria to demonstrate some Hawaiian dances when she fell off a platform."

"Why wasn't I invited to that Hawaiian party?" Chrysalis asked. "I can do the hula."

"I've seen you do the hula." Tirek said. "You're no great shakes."

💃💃💃💃💃💃

"I think she misses Hawaii." Cozy realized. "She's homesick."

Tirek was doubtful. "How can she be homesick when she's right here sick."

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮

"I mean she misses being in Hawaii." Cozy said.

"Oh." Tirek noticed. "I can fix that." He turns to the girl. "Hey, paitent."

The girl looks at Dr. Tirek. "Yeah?"

"Watch this."

Tirek waves his hands back and forth. Chrysalis was a little confused. "What is that?"

Tirek responded. "Swaying palms."

🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴🌴

"Wait! Nurse Chrysalis." Tirek said. "Do we have any napples?"

"Napples?" Chrysalis said with confusion. "I think you mean apples."

"No. Nappies. You put them in pies."

Chrysalis realized what Tirek is talking about. "Oh no."

EVERYBODY

PINEAPPLES!

🍍🍍🍍🍍🍍🍍🍍🍍

And so, we say 'Aloha' to another episode of "Ponyville Villains Hospital".

"Nice one." Tirek said.

Tune in again next week when you'll hear Dr. Tirek say....

"Listen, maybe she's not from Hawaii." He takes out a thermometer. "Let's take her temperature and find out."

"Oh." Chrysalis said. "That makes sense."

Tirek puts the thermometer in the patient's mouth. Moments later he takes it out and looks at it. "Yep. She's from Hawaii. Look. 5-O."

🌴🚨🌴🚨🌴🚨

Author's Note

Twilight Sparkle greets the players of the chapter.
TWILIGHT: Okay. Nice work, Dr. Tirek.
TIREK: Nice? It was a Honolulu.
(Everybody laughed)
CHRYSALIS: We must've used every dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.
HAWAIIAN GIRL: Hey! Hawaiians aren't dumb. You’ll be hearing from my friends in Noman.
TWILIGHT: Noman. Where's that?
HAWAIIAN GIRL: Noman is an island.
(Everyone laughed, leaving Twilight annoyed.)
CHRYSALIS[Laughing): She fell for it.
TWILIGHT: If you readers think that's bad, wait until you read what Brian is putting them in next.

Train Conductor

At the Ponyville Railroad station, a male lime green earth pony with a blue mane and tail makes an announcement "Arriving on Track 3, Ponyville Villains Hospital. The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good."

As many remember from last chapter, the Hospital roof was damaged and is being fixed. So, Tirek and his nurses are making a house call. A train conductor is laying on a makeshift table.

"Here's your next paitent, Dr. Tirek." Cozy Glow said. "He's a conductor."

"Well, he's not getting any symphony from me." Tirek replied.

🎶🎵🎶🎼🎺🎻🥁

"You mean sympathy." Chrysalis said.

Tirek gave a nasty remark. "He's not getting any of that either."

😅😅😆😆😆🙂

"Dr. Tirek," Cozy said, "he's a TRAIN conductor."

Tirek made a statement. "Well, I will not operate on any person or creature who works for the railroad!"

"Why not?"

"I have a very poor track record."

🛤🛤🛤🛤🛤

"What's the matter with him?" Tirek asked.

"I don't know." Cozy replied. "He keeps saying the same thing over and over."

CONDUCTOR: All aboard!

Everybody reacted as if a train is ready to leave.

"See what I mean." Cozy said with concern. "Dr. Tirek, that's all he ever says."

Tirek looked at the paitent. "He must have a one track mind."

🚂🚂🚂🚂🚂🚂

"Dr. Tirek," Chrysalis said, "that was your second track joke."

"So what!" Tirek replied. "Who keeps track?"

🚂🛤🚂🛤🚂🛤

"That's three." Chrysalis informed.

"Well, it's too late to change." Tirek said. "You can't teach an old creature new tracks."

😶😶😶😶😶😶

"Well," Chrysalis said, "three and a half."

The Conductor rises. "All aboard!"

The crew reacted again. Nurse Cozy Glow is getting concerned. "Dr. Tirek, this poor soul has worked on the railroad for too long. I'm afraid it's affected his mind."

Tirek then becomes elegant. "Well, my dear nurses. The strain on his brain stays mainly on the train."

Chrysalis applauded the phrase. "By Dr. Tirek, I think you got it."

CONDUCTOR: All aboard.

The crew reacted again. The railroad worker makes another announcement. "And so, another episode of 'Ponyville Villains Hospital' is set to depart. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Tirek say.."

"I think this conductor has railroad sneeze."

"What's Railroad Sneeze?" Chrysalis asked.

"Ah- CHOO CHOO!"

Author's Note

Somewhere else at the station, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were watching the scenario.
DIAMOND: I admit, this railroad station is quieter that any theater in Manehattan.
SILVER: You're right. These crates do make good seats.
DIAMOND: Now, if only the entertainment can live down to our expectations.

Bear

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". The continuing story of three former agents of bad who are doing their best to do good.

It's another day in the hospital as our trio prepare for their paitient.

"Doctor Tirek," Chrysalis said, "are you ready for the next bear?"

"Why, Nurse Chrysalis." Tirek replied. "I can't have a beer now. I'm ready to operate."

🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍻🍻

"Not beer. BEAR!"

"The next paitent." Cozy said.

"Oh." Tirek said as he lifted the sheet. It's Fluttershy’s bear friend. "So, it is. What seems to be the problem?"

"He's a little hoarse."

"I thought you said he was a bear."

"That's very funny, Dr. Tirek." Chrysalis said .

"Yes, it is a little weird. Usually you call a small horse a colt."

🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎🐎

"That's why he's a little hoarse." Cozy said.

"He has a COLT in the head." Chrysalis added.

🐴🐴🐴🐴🐴🐴

"In that case," Tirek said, "we must try to stabilize his condition."

"How do we do that?" Cozy asked.

"Put him in the stable."

😅🤣😅🤣😂😁

"Dr. Tirek," Chrysalis interrupted, "we're supposed to operate."

"You're right." Tirek replied. "Hand me a saw."

Chrysalis gave him a saw. "Saw, Dr. Tirek."

This got Cozy Glow concerned. "But, Dr. Tirek. Even if he's a horse, should you be using a saw?"

"What's the matter?" Tirek replied. "You never heard of a saw horse?"

🪚🪚🪚🪚🪚🪚

And so, Dr. Tirek has turned to carpentry. Tune in next week when you'll hear him say....

"Hey! Maybe this IS a bear I'm operating on."

"Why?" Chrysalis asked.

"Because I'm bearly operating."

🐻🐨🐻‍❄️🐼

That bear was getting along with this scene. "Boy. What a cutting remark."

Shakespeare

Time once again for "Ponyville Villains Hospital". On this special chapter, our trio of former agents of bad doing good are paying tribute to William Shakespeare.

The trio are ready to examine a young female pig. And, I'm not taking about Miss Piggy.

"Pray, thee nurse." Tirek said. "Who be-eth our next paitent?"

"This little piglet, sire." Cozy replied.

"Not piglet. Hamlet."

🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷🐷

"Remember," Tirek reminded, "we're doing Shakespeare here."

Cozy looked at the paitent. "Sounds more like bacon."

🥓🥓🥓🥓🥓🥓

"Say, this paitent looks like it needs a transfusion." Tirek said. "What's it's blood type?"

"Well, I think it's 2B." Cozy replied. "But, I'm not sure."

"Well, make up your mind. 2B or not 2B?"

🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭

"Gadzooks!" Chrysalis said. "They have no shame."

Tirek studies his paitent carefully. "Say, I'm listening to this patient's heart. Zounds."

"Zounds what?" Chrysalis asked.

"Zounds terrible."

👂👂👂👂👂👂

"This patient wants Shakespeare," Tirek said, "she's getting Shakespeare."

"But, you're a doctor first." Cozy replied.

"Right. Doctor First, Richard the second, and Henry the IV."

🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭🎭

"Me think we should take our leave." Chrysalis said.

"Why?" Tirek asked.

"Look at the time."

Everybody looked around. Tirek realized something. "It's the timing of the Shrew."

Chrysalis got a little miffed. "Are you calling me a shrew?"

"Well, if the shrew fits..."

😆😅😂😁

And so, tis time to take our leave from another chapter of "Ponyville Villains Hospital". Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Tirek say...

"Alas, poor Porik. I knew thee well."

Author's Note

CELESTIA: Now, this chapter really offended me. I was a student of Shakespeare.
LUNA: You were a student WITH Shakespeare.