Another Fine Product

by Silent Whisper

Rating: everyone
Tags: Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Applejack
Length: 1197

Apple Bloom communicates with the dead, more or less.

In her bid for necromancy, Apple Bloom is faced with the greatest enemy of all: Autocorrect.

Written for a Quills and Sofas "Last Surprise" Speedwriting Panic, where it tied for first. Wanna join us? Wanna see if we're as fun as we sound? Wanna be a part of something nebulous and unknowable? We're on Discord here if you'd like to join us for more writing madness.

Cover art by me.
Planchettes look like amongus dudes and I will not be taking questions on that.

Published 2023-08-24 01:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-08-24 01:00:01 UTC

A Lesson in Spell(ing) Errors

“Applejack, look at what I got!” Apple Bloom shouted as she bounced into the kitchen. “You’re gonna love this, it’s so cool!”

“Ah’m sure Ah will,” said Applejack, grimacing over a mixing bowl. “Jus’ hold whatever-it-is up, alright? Ah’ve got about three pies left to make for this order, and Ah can’t afford ta slow down now.”

Apple Bloom nodded and held up the box. “It’s a spirit board, the salesponies said! You can make contact with the dead!”

Applejack’s hooves continued to mix the batter, but only out of thoughtless habit. A look of confusion crossed her face, with no small trace of concern. “Uh, AB? That ain’t somethin’ that can happen. Ya know that, right?” Her voice dropped to a tone that was a bit gentler. “The dead are part of the land, an’ the land might speak to us, but not in words, not like that.”

“‘Course I know they can’t usually talk to us, but this board is special! It’s got a new spell on it that’ll interpret what they say into words! Here, watch!” Apple Bloom pulled the board and pieces out of the box and set it up on the kitchen table, across from her sister. She squinted at the box instructions for a moment before setting an object on the center of the board and placing both front hooftips on it.

“Oh! Ah’ve seen one of those before.” Applejack smiled with no small amount of relief as she moved to flatten out some of her pie crusts. “That there’s a toy, AB. It ain’t real.”

Apple Bloom scowled and closed her eyes. “Is so! Watch! Oh, spirit board, if there’s anypony trying to contact us, tell us your name!”

A green spell lit up the planchette, and her hooves jerked towards the ‘P’, then the ‘E’, then the ‘A’, before pausing.

“S-sis? I think it’s Mom!” Apple Bloom whispered excitedly.

“That ain’t possible. It ain’t…” Applejack muttered, dropping her pie tin and watching as Apple Bloom’s hooves shifted to the ‘R’. “It’s not funny, Apple Bloom.”

“I’m not doing it! I swear!” cried out Apple Bloom, as her hooves came to rest in the center of the board and the glow around the planchette dissipated. “It’s all the board! O spirit board, who do you, uh, wanna talk to?”

The glow started again, and her hoof jerked to the ‘A’, the ‘P’, then away and back to the ‘P’ again, the ‘L’, and then the ‘E’. Both sisters held their breath, watching as Apple Bloom’s hooves shifted towards the ‘J’.

“Ma?” said Applejack softly as she watched Apple Bloom’s hooves move towards the ‘A’, then the ‘C’, then slowly towards the ‘K’. “Is that you? Are ya really here?”

The glow around Apple Bloom’s hooves didn’t vanish, and slowly, her hooves moved to the ‘E’, and then the ‘T’, before they came back to rest in the middle of the board.

“Et? What’s et mean?” Apple Bloom asked, looking up at her big sis. “Or maybe it’s part of your name? Apple… jacket?”

“Ah, uh, ah don’t know.” The older mare frowned and turned away to pour some of the pie mixture into the crusts. “Ask Ma what she wants ta say ta me, alright? Maybe it’s part of a message.”

“Spirit board, uh, Mom? What’s your message for Applejack?” Apple Bloom’s hooves and the planchette were aglow and moving before she even finished speaking, barely stopping at one letter before moving on to the next. The room was quiet save for the sound of wood moving against wood and the soft schlorp of pies being filled.

“So, what’d it say?” Applejack asked once she heard her little sister’s hooves still, trying not to believe, unable to face it just in case it was real. “What was Ma’s message for me?”

“Uh, it says, um… ‘I love yogurt, Apple Jacket, Big Macaroni, and, uh… Apply Boom.’ Jus’ that.” Apple Bloom sighed and moved her hooves away from the board, looking up at the other mare with confusion and a bit of hope. “Did Mom like yogurt?”

“Ah think,” said Applejack tightly, putting the pies in the oven with a bit more force than necessary. “That yer board there almost works. Ah don’t think Ma had any particular love for yogurt, nah, but think about it, AB. It’s getting words wrong, ain’t it?”

Apple Bloom picked up the box the board came in and studied it. “Well, yeah, I guess, but ain’t it kinda nice? I mean, Mom might’ve meant that she loved us. Do ya think the message got mixed up a bit?”

Applejack slammed the oven door shut and set the timer before trotting back over and pressing her own hooves against the planchette. “Who am Ah, board? Are ya really Ma?”

The glow blazed as her hooves moved from one letter to the next. Apple Bloom looked up from reading the box to watch. “‘I am your moth, Pearl Butt…’ wait, is that it? It’s stopping there?” She blinked, puzzled. “That can’t be right. It says on the back of the box here that it’s supposed to give accurate and perfectly-spelled messages from the dead!”

“Mind if Ah take a look at that, sis?” Applejack said softly, tilting the box so she could read it better. “Odd that they emphasize spellin’, ain’t it? Lemme see here, there’s some fine print right down here. Says the makers of this product can guarantee the highest quality of message from the spirits, an’ to help with that, they’ve added a helpful… spellin’ check filter to correct stuff?”

“Huh,” was all that Apple Bloom had to say as she stared uncomprehendingly at the board. “Magic can do that? No wonder Sweetie Belle does so well on her essays.”

Applejack gave a thoughtful hum as she turned the box back over to inspect the front again. “Yeah, an’ it ain’t too bad an idea, Ah s’pose, but it’s a bit overzealous, ain’t it? Ah mean, it almost works, don’t it? How much did ya pay for this, anyway?”

“My allowance for the month,” mumbled Apple Bloom. “Look, on the side it said it would work perfectly. It was an F&F Corporation guarantee! There’s a little stamp in the corner there, see?” She pointed a hooftip at the silver stamp on the top corner of the box, sniffling. “I thought, y’know, that it’d help us be able to talk to Mom and Dad again. That’s all. I got so excited, I bought it without thinking.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “F&F, ya say, sis? How interesting. AB, do me a favor an’ keep this for a little bit while ya watch over the pies, alright? Ah got an errand Ah gotta run real fast.”

“Keep it?” Apple Bloom looked up, eyes still a bit watery. “But it barely works at all! What’d it even be useful for?”

“Might be helpful in court,” Applejack said, snatching up her hat in her teeth and tossing it onto her head on her way out the door. “‘Cause once Ah’m done with those schemein’ brothers, it’ll be about the only way they can testify!”