"I Wish To Register An Official COMPLAINT!!"
An alicorn's work is never done...
“...So who am I supposed to be introducing again?” Of all the weird and wonderful visitors to Twilight’s Castle Of Friendship that he’d seen since its impromptu appearance, Spike had never seen one quite like this.
“My married name is Mrs Spoiled Rich, but you may call ‘Mrs Rich’, dragon.” The hook-nosed harridan who’d sauntered blithely up to the entrance of Twilight’s new domicile spoke in a condescending tone, as if bestowing on him a true honour. “I wish to converse to the Princess of this region, or whatever the former librarian who lives here now is calling herself these days. It is a matter of the utmost importance that I communicate with her the blatant hooliganism those ragamuffin fillies that she associates with have just demonstrated in and out of my very own educational establishment. I trust she won’t show any excessive favouritism towards them, considering the close linkage she has with their respective bloodlines…”
“Eerrm… come again?” After hearing that convoluted word soup from beginning to end, Spike wasn’t sure about anything anymore. Only, he was long overdue for a raise.
“No, I will not ‘come again’, you rude little reptile! Don’t you know the significance to whom it is you speak? I am fortunate enough to be married to one of the leading business-ponies in Equestria, not just Ponyville! Lest you forget, we make thousands of donations to the crown in terms of tax bits every year, so when I take personal time out of my busy schedule to address your mistress I expect to be treated with the respect I deserve! But more importantly, aside from my many accomplishments as head of the school board and encouraging local investment, I’m the proud parent of a shining jewel who I fear has been cracked and led astray from the path she was designated from birth. It’s all the fault of those wretched rapscallions who intercepted my blessed progeny as she took a sabbatical around town, and brainwashed her into acceding to their happy-clappy ways. Sadly, I fear the so-called royal here may have played some small role in my now besmirched offspring’s downfall, and I wish to protest in the strongest possible…”
“Aanndd we’re done here.” Unwilling to listen to one more solitary syllable from this walking, talking migraine Spike abruptly slammed the guest book laid out in front of him shut, snapped his feather quill in two on his knee and turned his back on the still-waffling magenta mare in front of him to unceremoniously stomp his way back inside. “If I had to put up with five minutes of that mental torture, Twilight’s gonna havefifty. Oh Twi, you have a visitor! It sounds like she has something very interesting to say, so pay close attention. Goodbye… and good luck.”
“ ‘Good luck’? Whatever could you mean Spi…” Twilight just caught the tail-end of her dragon friend as he dashed past her in a blur… possibly to hang himself, who knows. (Just kidding: Spike was absolutely fine. All it took was a brief session of curling himself up into a foetal ball in the corner of his room, whilst gently rocking from side-to-side and repeatedly whispering ‘why me’? After that he was as right as rain again! Kinda).
“...Okay, well that happened.” Twilight shrugged her shoulders in bewilderment, before noticing the new pony on the scene. “Oh, I recognise you. You’re Mrs Fil… Spoiled… Bi.. Rich, aren’t you? I must say, we’re all so very proud of your daughter, and the amount of improvement she’s made in such a short space of time! I’ve never seen anypony lead others the way she did her class when we put the jungle gym up in the playground. I do believe that Cutie Mark will be a true asset to her as she grows up, she can help so many other ponies with it…”
“...And as I said, it was an absolute disgrace, and she should be totally ashamed at perpetuating such a lax culture in morality, and… hmm, where did that tiny lizard butler get to? I hadn’t even told him that his tie was loose. How exceedingly unfortunate.” Having been chattering so much she hadn’t even noticed Spike’s rushed departure, let alone heard the opening refrains of Twilight’s greeting, the inattentive grande dame finally clapped eyes on the very alicorn she’d trotted all this way to speak to. “Ah, it’s you. Finally, at long last we meet… although, it’s most impolite to keep one waiting, you know. But seeing how you’re new to the world of the upper echelons of society, I’ll overlook it. This once.”
Twilight halted her opening remarks to blink in surprise at the new arrival’s critical (and even for her, overly verbose) patter. “Y-You will?”
“Of course, darling. We all make mistakes… why, just yesterday I went outside for two minutes wearing silver earrings instead of gold ones! Thank goodness I had the female intuition to glance in my miniature hoof-mirror, and nopony saw me as I dashed back to my five-storey mansion to change them, or it would’ve been all over the tabloid press. I gave my husband a well-deserved reprimand for not informing me about that, let me tell you! You know what they say, though: ‘To err is to mule, to forgive, equine’. All it took for my well-earned mercy was a firm commitment from him to buy me another two-dozen pairs of golden earrings, and it was all water under the bridge. Oh, woe is me and my feeble feminine heart!”
“...Uh huh. I’m sorry, I think I might’ve missed something here. Between you causing my assistant to barricade himself upstairs in his room and then manipulating your husband to buy you more valuable trinkets, why exactly did you come down here to see me today?”
“What? Oh yes, that’s right! You really shouldn’t allow me to go off on a tangent like that, dear. I could spend all day here just talking to you, if others didn’t interrupt me.” Spoiled let out a noticeably hollow laugh, while it was all Twilight could do to stop herself saying no you bloomin’ well wouldn’t. “Let’s just get straight to the point, shall we? It’s a sad tale indeed of a loving mother’s aspirations for her daughter being scattered like rose petals upon her gravestone, and the trio of troublemakers responsible for her intolerable insubordination. What is a caring parent supposed to do, when her only child flies off the rails with such wild abandonment? Not that you’d know anything about that of course, being a foalless spinster yourself. At Prince Blueblood’s next party, I could introduce you to some handsome eligible stallions, if you’ll allow me the pleasure. They might even teach you something about how to use your new esteemable position to aid important ponies such as I, instead of focusing your talents on the riff-raff who wouldn’t know about a good day's work if it smacked them in the…”
“No, thank you.” Did she just use the term riff-raff non-ironically? “I have some very important books to look over and papers to sign Mrs Rich, so unless it’s something of the utmost urgency, I think I’ll be sneaking back inside now…”
“A shame, a true shame, darling. You could be the toast of the town, if you tried getting out a bit more. Maybe did something about your mane too, but we can’t all have professional stylists working for us twenty-four/seven. Ah well, to business then!” Twilight’s firm rebuff and by now highly obvious contempt for the Rich matriarch was not enough to stop the snobbish juggernaut for a single second, and the magenta mare was soon back for another salvo of highly accusatory remarks. “I know it must be difficult for a former librarian to grasp the simple concept of governing a small town so fast after being thrust into the limelight, but serious problems are ahoof in Ponyville. Mostly the causation of three errant fillies with matching illustrated flanks, it is my sad duty to report. One is always covered in dirt, and drawls so much when she speaks you can barely make out a word she says. The other is a pegasus who maybe should’ve been placed in a special school because she can’t fly, her reckless stunts will be the death of us yet. Last but not least, and this is the saddest case as far as I’m concerned, is a unicorn from a prestigious fashionista family. In my humble opinion, she has perhaps been led down the wrong path by the other two hoodlums, so I would be willing to accept a lesser sanction for her. Maybe a bit of community service, instead of juvie…”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Twilight was starting to wish she hadn’t got out of bed this morning, or at least hidden underneath it until the coast was clear. “Let me guess… You’re talking about the Cutie Mark Crusaders, aren’t you? Apple Bloom? Scootaloo? Sweetie Belle? What could they possibly have done to deserve such terrible punishments? You see, I know them and their families very well, and can’t see them ever doing anything so…”
“Well, without meaning to sound too presumptuous, Princess, that’s probably why you can’t see them to be the merciless criminals they’ll undoubtedly grow up to become if events continue as they are… and I’ll thank you not to humour their little clique’s name, please. We’ve already had to ban several ‘CMC’ posters and associated propagandic material from being displayed around the classroom during school hours. If they’re already trying to recruit new members to their club, who knows how much more infuriating they’ll be with several hundred perishers rushing about, disturbing the peace! I tell you darling, if we don’t nip this thing in the bud now, anarchy and terrorism are soon to follow, and the property values will plummet so fast I won’t even be able to afford a two-bedroom bungalow in Canterlot!”
“Anarchy? Terrorism?! Mrs Rich, don’t you think you’re being a little overdramatic? All they want to do is help other ponies understand their true purpose in life via their Cutie Marks. That’s what the posters were for, to spread awareness of their skills. Didn’t you ever wonder what your special symbol meant as a filly… you were a filly once, right?”
“O-Of course I was dear, but we don’t talk about those days anymore. I grew up very fast, and would rather concentrate on the ‘now’, instead of the ‘was’. I married well, and am now very wealthy indeed. That’s all you, or any other pony needs to know.” Something about the mere mention of Spoiled’s past history brought an odd pallor to the face of the usually stoic mare, but only for a split second. “Anyway, let's get back to who I’m here to discuss, shall we? Those three shameless reprobates? Not only did they steal my precious out from under me when my back was turned, they waited until she was at her lowest ebb to do it! It’s all true dear: I hear from a very reliable source she was filly-napped after school one day, forced into a splinter-ridden clubhouse to submit to their heathen ways and when her built-in programming kicked in and she finally rebelled, they chased her halfway across town backwards singing out-of-key until she eventually gave in. You should've seen her rudely accost me outside the school, such bad manners! Now, you wouldn’t even recognise her as the prideful, fierce, strong force-of-nature she was before. She gives her numerous bits away to unfashionable causes! She says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to servants who are paid to do their job! Then, worst of all, and you’re never going to believe this, she…”
“Let me guess. Helps old mares across the street? Sets the table every mealtime? Wants to play hoofball in the mud with her friends? Am I getting warm yet? Oh the horrors!!” Twilight was starting to get a good idea of how Diamond Tiara turned out the way she did (at least, until a few days ago) and could only respond to what she was hearing by putting her head in her hooves almost in an act of despair.
If the alicorn’s sharp sarcasm and subsequent anguished reaction to Spoiled’s poisonous litany of slurs affected the earth mare in any way though, it certainly didn’t show. “Oh my gosh, darling! I didn’t even think of those as possibilities. Thank you for giving a concerned mother even more to worry about! Sometimes I wonder why I bother having so much expensive and expansive beauty treatment done, the amount of wrinkles my Diamond is putting on me is going to cost Filthy a fortune in the long run…”
“I thought he only liked to be addressed as ‘Filthy Rich’. Also, may I say I couldn’t tell you’ve had any kind of procedure done to your face at all! In fact, having just spoken to you for a while now I’d venture to add: you resemble just like your personality would suggest! A perfect all-round match, I’d say.” Twilight was being one-hundred percent on-the-level there. Honest.
“You think so, dear? Gosh I don’t know what to… I thought this meeting would go a lot differently, with us both shouting at each other like a pair of drunkards out in the street, and I’d have to contact Celestia herself later to strip you of your position. But I’m glad you’re starting to give me the respect and acclaim to which I am due, and I appreciate you hearing me out on this lovely summer’s day. Now, about those aberrant fillies…”
“Oh, don’t you worry Mrs Rich. After hearing from you today, and a thorough review and assessment of the situation, I have no doubt in my mind at all; change is long overdue at Ponyville Elementary. Now that we’ve identified the main problem, we’ll isolate and deal with it as swiftly as possible, lest its corruptive influence ruins more lives than it has already. You’ll receive a letter first thing in the morning regarding the steps I intend to take to root out this evil in our midst. Thank you for doing your civic duty this day, and hope you feel at least a bit of satisfaction knowing the problems at the school will soon be a thing of the past.”
“Oh, it’s so good to be listened to for a change. Thank you Princess, for being a royal that finally does something with their title, instead of lounging around all day in a crystal castle, eating high-calorie cakes or randomly popping up in pony’s dreams without their express permission. Being a lady of honour as well as honesty, I am not ashamed to say I completely misjudged you. Well, must dash! A beauty like me must make the most of her spare time. After all, none of us are getting any younger… and the surgeon’s scalpel can only hide so much! Toodles!”
Twilight waited until the ‘grateful’ mare (who couldn’t stop turning to wave frantically at her ‘benefactor’ in the most ingratiating of ways, which the alicorn was forced to respond to in kind) had long disappeared over the horizon, before allowing herself to express the biggest sigh of relief she’d ever exhaled, and shouting reassuringly upstairs to her still-cowering best friend that the threat had at last departed. “Spike, you can come out now. She’s gone, thank Celestia.”
“Geez, what an abomination of a pony. Compared to her, Chrysalis and Tirek were foal’s play. Heck, I’ll even cut Discord a break from now on. Anyway, sorry Twi. Did you need me for something?”
“No need to apologise, Spike. I was thinking exactly the same thing. And I do, actually. Please send a letter to Celestia immediately. Tag it ‘URGENT’ too, if you don’t mind.”
“...Twilight, you really want me to work now? After what I’ve just gone through? Have a heart.”
“Oh, don’t worry Spike. You’re gonna love this, and I guarantee it'll perk you right back up to your usual lovable sardonic self again. Here’s what I want it to say: ‘Dear Celestia, I hope you are doing well. I know it hasn’t been long since our last correspondence, but this is a highly delicate matter I wish to deal with ASAP. It involves the local school here in Ponyville, and a problem that for far too long we’ve swept under the carpet’…”
*********************
Ah, how beauteous the first sights and sounds of the early dawn light are! Let’s listen in, shall we?
The birds chirping in the trees, ever-vigilant on their quest for tasty worms and nest components.
The drops of dew gently falling on the grass, leaving behind a pleasantly fresh after-smell of petrichor.
A stuck-up snob confidently unsealing an envelope at the breakfast table, before reading the contents and spitting out her organic oat flakes to unleash the mother of all…
WWWWHHHHHHAAAAATTTTTs?!
…Hmm, better skip that last one. Say, look at that buzzy bee burnishing pollen from that begonia! Ain’t that something?
************************
“Sorry to disturb your normal lesson plan students, but this is very important. I have an announcement to make which will affect you all… no Snips, no Snails, we are not moving forward with your proposal to make all homework illegal at this current time, so you can put your hooves down. A member of staff you know very well is leaving us…”
“Huh?!” The classroom erupted in abject horror to Miss Cheerilee’s statement, with most of the fillies and colts staring at each other in absolute shock, and some even in floods of tears.
“...No, no, no! I don’t mean me. You’d have to march me out of here in a cage to give up the job I love so much. I am actually talking about…”
“Could it be Pastel Palette, the art teacher? What a shame, I loved doin' those hoofprint drawings last term.” Apple Bloom was busy speculating before Cheerilee had a chance to finish.
“What about Play Write, the languages master? I’ve always enjoyed his lessons! I found them very edu-taining!” Sweetie Belle gushed, trying to sound sophisticated but not quite getting it right.
“Huh, I don’t give a flying feather who it is. One less staff member means one less interfering pony to come running out into the schoolyard yelling at me to stop my insanely dangerous stunts. A-Apart from Miss Cheerilee, of course. She can stay.” Scootaloo didn’t just tack the last part on at the end there because that particular mare was in the room… she genuinely meant it.
Miss Cheerilee blushed slightly at the orange pegasus’s heartfelt praise, but still managed to maintain her professional poise. “Thank you Scootaloo, but bear in mind that I still feel the same way as everypony else about you falling off the roof without adult supervision. Anyway, the staff member who’ll sadly be departing us in the very near future will be…”
…The room of juniors held its breath as one, well apart from one smug pink filly who confidently knew already thanks to almost being made permanently deaf that morning (and her greyish best friend that she’d informed the first chance she got).
“…Mrs Spoiled Rich! Now, if any of you want to sign the big ‘Farewell’ card I brought along, make sure you tell me by the end of the day so I can give it to Diamond Tiara when she goes home…”
Alas, the rest of Miss Cheerilee’s sentence there was completely drowned out by the huge cacophony of celebration that followed which included, but certainly wasn’t restricted to: whooping, hugging, high hooves, air guitar, jumping on desks, throwing papers in the air, kissing the teacher…
Yuck to that last one you might think, but Miss Cheerilee didn’t mind at all. She completely understood her class’s joyous reaction, after the years of suffering they’d had to tolerate from that… individual (always the epitome of politeness, Cheerilee. Even in her own head).
But no, she hadn’t meant that ‘sadly’ part she’d said either. And bringing along the card was just a courtesy. She didn’t exactly expect anypony to sign it.
One anonymous pony did though, in the end. Using their best cursive hoofwriting, they put in a giant ‘Thanks!’ in cute pink lettering with a heart, before quickly adding at the bottom in much more harsh block capitals…
‘...FOR NOTHING’.
Author's Note
Well, here you go. Been a while since I've written one of these, hope you all enjoyed it! Bye for now. 
