She's Best Pony. OR ELSE.
"Now Discord, I want you to tell me what you did wrong."
"...I got caught?"
"That isn't the answer I'm looking for and you know it."
It all came to Discord in a flash. He was always looking for the chance to show his feelings to Fluttershy, but she never let him do anything properly expressive. She would only allow trifles and amusements - there was always an excuse about why he wasn't allowed to truly help her.
He couldn't make her rich - that would 'collapse the Equestrian economy'.
He couldn't give her immortality - that was 'against the natural order'.
He couldn't force others to obey her every whim - that was 'mind control'.
But then Discord realized something. It chafed to stay within the boundaries that had been set, but Fluttershy's commands only applied to him. She had never said anything about becoming rich or powerful from other sources.
After all, Fluttershy was his friend and he'd do anything for her. If everypony was her friend, then they'd do anything for her too. And then Discord would be guiltless while still giving Fluttershy whatever she truly needed.
"Well I think if you're going to blame anypony, you should blame Rainbow Dash. She helped and was very supportive of me."
"So your justification is that Rainbow Dash thought it was a good idea."
"...I suppose when you put it that way, it does sound a teensy bit bad."
Rainbow Dash mulled over the plan. "So let me get this straight. Fluttershy won't let you do things for her, but you think if you can convince everypony else that she's, uh.."
"That she's Best Pony," Discord stated, making sure to say the capital letters. "And it shouldn't take much convincing, since she is."
It took visible effort for Rainbow to not correct him with the obvious (to her) truth that she was Best Pony. "...Right. And once they agree with you that she is, they'll just do stuff for her?"
"Well why wouldn't they? Tell me, if Fluttershy asked you for something she needed, would you tell her no?" He leaned forward in what any sane being would immediately interpret as an ominously threatening manner.
And yet Rainbow Dash didn't notice. "Well duh, of course not! She's Fluttershy. We've been best friends, like, since forever! I'd do anything for her." (This was somewhat untrue, but Rainbow Dash was still sure of it in her own mind. She simply didn't consider how attached she was to her own kidneys.)
Discord matter-of-factly nodded in firm agreement. "Exactly. So then I wouldn't have to break any rules to help her, since everypony would do things for her on their own."
If you asked any of her friends, they would all joke that thinking wasn't Rainbow Dash's strong suit. In this case, they would have been right as she took more than a minute to consider Discord's words and - despite trying really, really hard - was unable to find a flaw in his illogic. "I… guess so, yeah. That doesn't sound like you'd be breaking any of her rules." She could only shrug. "Seems like a good idea, then. I'm all for helping Fluttershy."
The fact that Discord was smiling should have been a tip-off that this was going poorly.
"Even if she agreed, you know you can't just scare ponies into doing what you say."
"I didn't! I never did anything that would scare anypony!"
"Didn't you?"
"It's not my fault if I have a dominating personality."
It is worth noting that Discord is larger than the average pony. Just how much depends on a number of factors, but presuming he hasn't changed his size (which often happens) and he's standing up mostly straight (which he often is not because straight lines are boring), and you don't count his horns (which, to be honest, were yet another thing he could alter just to mess with anypony holding a ruler), Discord stood roughly four times a pony's height. That combined with his snake-like body's flexibility meant that he was both frighteningly large and able to get into spaces one wouldn't normally expect him to get into.
In this particular moment, that space was Roseluck's cash register. Logically, Discord should not have been able to get in there, let alone come slithering out of the drawer when she opened it. Also logically, a pony's lungs should not hold enough air to scream for as long as she did, but both of those things happened so logic really didn't come into play much.
Once Rose had finished her screaming and transitioned to panting for breath, Discord began his pitch. "Hello there, sir and or madame! My name is Discord and I've come to you today to spread the word of Fluttershy."
It was just incongruous enough to break Rose's freakout and transition her directly into confusion. "Fluttershy?"
She would likely have said more, but Discord interrupted her. "Yes, Fluttershy!" He unraveled a lifesize scroll of Fluttershy, artistically rendered as a glowing angel, guiding a herd of lost bunnies into a bright field of grass. "She's Best Pony, you know."
Again, it was just off enough to keep Rose on the mental back hoof. "Best Pony?"
"Best Pony!" Discord practically cheered the phrase. "It is an empirical fact that Fluttershy is the Best Pony and superior to all others. She's kind and beautiful and sweet and really deserves better than what she has to deal with." He pulled a clipboard out of nowhere, twirling a pen in his fingers. "So I'm going around and cataloging who agrees with me that Fluttershy is Best Pony, and who dares to claim she isn't."
Discord was smiling as he said it. And while he would argue that he was doing his best to be pleasant, the average pony would not likely have looked upon the visage of a chaos god smiling and think of his kind heart. Roseluck certainly did not, and her knees trembled with fear.
"But wait, there's more!" Discord waved his arm with a flourish.
"M-More?" Rose stumbled over the word nervously, barely able to get it out.
Discord frowned and she winced. "I swear," he muttered, "This is going to be a very boring conversation if you just keep repeating the last thing I say." He waved his arm again, starting over. "There's more!" Behind him sprang up a paper diorama of Fluttershy's cottage surrounded by a vast complex of buildings. "If you agree today that Fluttershy is Best Pony, you can become part of the Fluttershy Is Best Pony club! Which is legally distinct from a cult because I'm not Starlight Glimmer and have class. If you join then you'll be safe in the knowledge that you will be doing good by helping Fluttershy and keeping all of her friends - like me! - happy."
There were too many teeth in Discord's smile, and a good number appeared to have been taken from predatory animals.
Roseluck nodded very, very quickly to agree with his terms.
"Discord, that was a crime."
"Oh pft. Asking ponies to be your friend is a crime now?"
"Running a protection racket is a crime."
"I wasn't protecting them from anything except making the morally wrong choice of not being your friend."
"Discord."
"Bah! And how did you find out anyway?"
"To be honest, it was pretty easy."
Fluttershy couldn't help but smile. It was a wonderful sunny day. There were birds singing in the trees, a warm breeze lightly ruffling her feathers, and the scent of fresh bread in the air. In fact, that last element was perfect as Fluttershy was bound for Sugarcube Corner to pick up the day-olds to feed to her critters.
She didn't quite make it, however, before being ambushed. Roseluck practically exploded in her face, appearing out of nowhere to throw a necklace of flowers around Fluttershy's neck. "Hello Fluttershy I'm so happy to see you!" The pegasus staggered backwards, but got no breathing room as the florist pulled out several more flowers. One ended up inserted behind Fluttershy's ear. "They're your favorite!"
Looking down at the floral necklace, Fluttershy took a second to identify them. "Crocuses? Well, they're not actually my favorite but thank–"
Roseluck grabbed the necklace in her teeth and tore it away with the same violence one would associate with a wolf and a lamb. "Let me get you one that is then! What do you prefer? Peonies? Roses? Orchids?"
Fluttershy hesitated, unable to miss the desperation in Roseluck's voice. "Um. The.. the crocuses were fine but I suppose if I had to pick a favorite flower it would be daisies."
No sooner did she have the out of her mouth than Rose was off and digging through her stand. She hastily popped out again moments later with a bright blue daisy that she rushed to replace the crocus behind Fluttershy's ear with. "Here you go! Making another necklace will take a little while, but I promise I'll have it for you soon!"
"Um. Thank… you?" Fluttershy adjusted the flower behind her ear. "It really isn't needed."
"No problem! I love doing things for the Best Pony in Equestria!" Roseluck smiled like a corpse.
Fluttershy backed away. "I'll just, um, excuse me!" And she took off running.
Thankfully the florist didn't pursue and Fluttershy escaped to Sugarcube Corner. At first, it was a safe haven of normalcy - right up until Fluttershy walked in. As she did, everypony in the room went completely silent. They stared and then stepped out of line as one, allowing Fluttershy to go first.
"Um…" Her heartbeat ran amok as she could feel every one of those staring eyes still on her as she approached the counter. "Good… good morning, Mrs. Cake."
Mrs. Cake did not help things. For starters, she was smiling while also looking utterly terrified. "Good morning, Fluttershy! What can I give you today?"
The use of 'give' rather than 'get' stuck oddly in Fluttershy's ear. But she pushed on - the faster this was done, the faster she could get away from all the staring. "I'm here to pick up the day-old bread for my animals? Please?"
For just a moment, Mrs. Cake looked relieved - then her expression tightened up again. "Oh, that won't do at all! Here Fluttershy, let me get you today's bread for them!"
"That's really not necessary, Mrs. Cake–"
But she was already loading a sack full of the day's freshest bread. "It's no problem! I'm happy to do anything for the Best Pony!"
Fluttershy's ear twitched at those words, sensing something wrong. "Mrs. Cake, please, I can't afford to–"
The bulging sack was shoved across the counter. "No charge!" Mrs. Cake said it far too quickly. "Wouldn't dream of it! They're all yours!"
Fluttershy should have stopped right then and interrogated the poor mare about what was going on. But she was too on edge from the still-staring crowd surrounding her, and her instincts demanded an immediate retreat. So she took the sack of bread and backpedaled out of the bakery as fast as she could manage.
"I'm surprised that old bag didn't rat me out."
"Discord! That's a mean thing to say and you know it!"
"...I'm surprised that nice mare didn't rat me out."
"Hmph. Better."
"So what did tip you off?"
"It didn't take too long after that. But first, the one thing I don't understand is why my friends were listening to you too. I know you can be frightening to ponies, but they should be more used to you."
"Well, there's a funny loophole in there. You made me promise not to do things for you. You never said I couldn't do things for them."
"That… does explain a few things."
"Well howdy Fluttershy!" Applejack grinned almost as broadly as her new hat. If her old one had been a ten-gallon hat, this one was closer to thirty. Also notable was the studs around the band - sterling silver and ruby in the shape of tiny apples. "What brings you by?" She leaned a little closer and conspiratorially half-whispered, "Is it apples?"
Fluttershy giggled. "Well, yes, I was hoping to pick some up but I'm afraid I can't take them home if I do. Mrs. Cake gave me a lot of bread and I can only carry so much."
Applejack waved dismissively. "Aw, that's no problem at all! Lemme lend ya Big Mac. He can use his cart to carry all your stuff home. Bread, apples, and all!"
"Oh, that's very kind of you Applejack. Thank you."
"Ain't no problem," assured the farmer. "Couldn't do any less for the Best Pony."
There was that phrase again. And now that Fluttershy was in less of a panic, it finally occurred to her that she should ask more questions. "Applejack? When you say 'Best Pony', just what do you mean?"
"What she means, darling, is that you're the Best." Rarity approached, looking pleased as punch. This was probably because of the beautiful golden necklace that she was wearing: a masterwork of artistry, ending in a little golden cage that contained a remarkably lifelike tiny replica of a screaming Suri Polomare. "And honestly, who could deny it? You've been a fashion model so nopony could say you aren't beautiful. While you may be bashful, we also all know how brave you can be when the situation calls for it."
Applejack cut back in with a firm nod. "Yer generous, thoughtful, and the darn literal Element of Kindness. How could anypony say you're not great?"
Fluttershy couldn't help but blush, half hiding behind her hair. "Oh. Um. Thank you, that's very nice of you both to say."
"An' that's why your Best Pony," Applejack confirmed.
Rarity nodded in agreement. "Indeed, Best Pony for sure."
And there was that phrase again. Now not so overwhelmed, Fluttershy thought to question it. "Girls? If you don't mind me asking–"
"Why would we mind?" Rarity batted her eyelashes and her necklace kept silently screaming. "We would be happy to answer anything that Best Pony asked."
A long, awkward silence followed. Now fearing for her safety, Fluttershy leaned closer. "If you're being mind controlled, blink twice," she whispered.
Rarity simply laughed. Applejack had a moment of hesitation before she joined in.
Fluttershy backed away slowly. Again.
"Well, I suppose I should be happy none of them told you either."
"I'm a little disappointed they didn't. But I guess it didn't matter that much in the end."
"No, sadly. I suppose involving Her Royal–"
"Discord."
"I suppose involving the Princesses was pushing my luck."
"Yes, it was, even if I'm very disappointed that they played along too."
"Honestly, I didn't even need to bribe them. I simply had to time it so that Celestia was bored enough to think it was all a joke and she jumped right in!"
Being a pegasus, Fluttershy felt the disturbance in the wind before she saw or heard anything. Two sets of massive wings flapping were unmissable to even the minimally sensitive, particularly when they made no attempt to conceal their approach.
Part of Fluttershy dreaded their arrival - she was almost home, after all, and she was looking forward to locking her door and pretending this weird day never happened. On the other hoof, they might have some answers for all of this or possibly some help in fixing it.
Either way she knew that she couldn't just run and hide, if for no other reason than that Princess Luna knew how to pick locks. (That she could teleport past most any door just made that fact more worrying, as it meant she did it for fun.)
So Fluttershy waited as both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna glided down to the path and landed before her. She bowed to them as was appropriate - and they confusingly bowed back.
"Greetings, Fluttershy!" Celestia's voice boomed, though thankfully not going full Royal Canterlot. "It is truly an auspicious day and fortunate that we've found you so swiftly!"
"oh no."
"Oh yes!" The elder princess spread her wings wide, towering over Fluttershy and enveloping her in shadow. "The time has come for you to ascend beyond the boundaries of mere mortal ponies and join us as an alicorn! For it is only appropriate that the Best Pony become a Princess as well!"
Beside her, Luna yawned.
With a deep, shuddering breath, Fluttershy steeled herself. "P–Princess? Please, could you tell me what's going on? Why is everypony calling me Best Pony?"
"Because you're Best Pony," came Celestia's very swift reply. Her horn lit and she levitated over a thick and ancient tome. "Here's a book with several more of Starswirl's unfinished spells. Feel free to pick one and cast it so we can make you an alicorn."
Luna yawned again. "And please hurry up. Sister said we were going to do this for all of your friends and I'd prefer if we could complete the task before noon. It's far too late as it is."
Celestia's eye twitched. "Luna, we're not doing all of them today. I said 'eventually'. We just need to take care of dear Fluttershy first because she's Best Pony."
"Still unclear about what that means," Luna pointed out, "But I care more for my rest than whatever madness has taken you this time."
Celestia pouted.
And Luna rolled her eyes. "I don't mean it that way." She looked to Fluttershy. "I intend no offense to you or your friends, I just don't understand why my sister decided to pull me from my bed and insist we do this now rather than more formally and at a reasonable hour."
Something in Celestia snapped - and so did she at her sister. "Because I wanted you to be here for the joke!"
Silence.
"Oops," said a rather embarrassed Princess Celestia.
"So Celestia is the one who blabbed? Somehow that shouldn't surprise me. She always finds a way to ruin my fun."
"She isn't a very good actress. I would have figured it out when she didn't actually make me an alicorn, anyway."
"Oh, I was planning to help with that part! She was going to lose her mind when you 'succeeded' at the spell and became one!"
"DISCORD!"
"Oh come now, I was only going to give the universe a little nudge. We both know you could do it if you tried, my involvement was simply going to be making sure the timing was as amusing as possible."
"Discord, you promised you wouldn't do that."
"Well I didn't because somepony couldn't keep her mouth shut so I'm still innocent."
"I am very mad at you, mister."
"I was just trying to help?"
"Your helping caused a lot of problems, almost broke one of your promises, and made me very stressed."
"I'm… I'm sorry. I really was trying to help you! You really are Best Pony and I just wanted you to get what you deserved out of life."
"I know you think I am, and I know you were trying to do something nice. But that doesn't change that what you did was wrong."
"...I know."
"But because you had good intentions, I'll make your punishment pleasant. What's your favorite tea?"
"...Darjeeling?"
"Don't lie to me, I know it's oolong because you like saying the word."
"...yeah. It's oolong."
"As punishment, we aren't going to have oolong for tea for the rest of this month. We'll be having hibiscus, which I know you don't like."
"But…"
"And you have to personally apologize to every pony you involved in this."
"Do I have to?"
"Complain again and I'll make you walk to each of them when you apologize instead of teleporting around."
"I'll be good."
"I know you will be."
"...You're still Best Pony, Fluttershy."
"Thank you, Discord. And I think you're Best Draconequus."
Author's Note
The prompt I was given, word for word, was:
My character: Fluttershy
My note for the author: "FLUTTERSHY BEST PONY. DARE TRY PROVE WRONG."
And it kind of wrote itself.
Normally I would have hesitated to make something quite this tone as a gift, but when the giftee's got a library shelf labeled Irrefutable Masterpiece containing Mockingbirb, Rainbow Dash on LSD, and the CMCs as Wal-Mart security, I feel that the joke will land well enough with the most important audience.
