Starlight Express

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2653

A week after she moves in, a guilty Twilight tells Starlight there are no funds in the bank so she'll have to pay rent... or she's out. What does the newly-reformed unicorn do? Start her own delivery service across time and space itself. As you do.

A week after she moves in, a guilty Twilight tells Starlight there are no funds in the bank so she'll have to pay rent... or she's out. What does the newly-reformed unicorn do? Start her own delivery service across time and space itself. As you do.

Why did you even have to ask? And what could possibly go wrong?

I think we all know the answer to that...

Congratulations to ZanyZapper who was the obvious winner when I set up a contest on this blog to see who could come up the best idea for a one shot.

Only problem is, now it's a two-shot. Or a three-shot. Or a...

Look, let's just play it by ear, shall we?

Published 2024-02-26 01:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-02-26 01:30:00 UTC

My Teacher, My Landlady.

“Ouch!! If there’s one downside to living in a giant crystal castle, it’s that when you fall out of bed during the night, you have to be careful where you land…”

The former equality-obsessed unicorn Starlight Glimmer winced as she left her new bedroom that morning, wishing that her mattress had been placed marginally further away from the only pointy bit of glass sticking out the floor. She hadn’t hurt herself too badly, but it was safe to say she would be making excuses to not sit down for a while.

“Anyway, time for breakfast. I’m cooking cakes with Pinkie Pie today as part of my grand ‘redemption’ tour, so I don’t think I’ll eat too much. Maybe some nice cereal? Nah, the last pack I bought at the supermarket, somepony had unsealed it and stolen all the cinnamon nuts inside. And I thought I was mad for wanting everypony to lose their Cutie Marks and live together in an alleged utopian tribe. What kind of heartless creature would even think of doing such a… huh?”

Starlight’s random train of thought came chugging to an abrupt halt as she reached the dining room. Usually by this time, Twilight had long since finished her ‘brain food’ morning meal which consisted of a sloppy smoothie of nuts and avocados and blueberries (otherwise known as ‘An Unholy Mess’ as Spike had confided to her under pain of death) before galloping out the front door, inevitably to bore some other less-than-thrilled audience of ponies in some far-off nation about how Friendship was more precious than the twin resources of air and water combined.

Clearly the factualness of this outlandish claim was somewhat dubious to say the least, but considering what an uncontrollable zealot she was before, who was Starlight to question Twilight’s unassailable beliefs?

In any case, it was a complete shock to see Twilight still sitting there at the head of the table, drumming her hooves impatiently on the surface as though waiting for somepony to arrive. As soon as she spotted Starlight’s confused face emerge into the room however, she instantly perked up and tried to put on the shadow of a smile, which sent alarm bells off in the unicorn’s head. As if she wasn’t anxious enough already.

Oh no, she was supposed to be at Ponyville Elementary today, officially opening the new playground that cute pink filly donated. Starlight was internally panicking, but ably kept a straight face as she made her way to her normal spot just to the left of the alicorn. For her to miss that special occasion, it must be something big. I hope she’s not found out about that other stuff I did before I got here, besides start a brainwashing cult for my own selfish ends, or this could be curtains for…

“Hi, Starlight! Take a seat.”

“Hi, Twilight! I’ll stand today, if you don’t mind.”

“Hi, Star… burp!”

Whatever was keeping Twilight from having her normal nourishing a.m snack, it certainly wasn’t stopping Spike from demolishing his favourite Gem Flakes as if his dracontine life depended on it.

“Spike, what did I tell you about talking with your mouth full?” Twilight turned her attention away from her student momentarily to tut with disapproval at her long-standing (and suffering) assistant. “Apologise this instant!”

“I don’t know Twi… you tell me a lot of stuff, but my fragile brain can only hold so much, and other things get pushed out. I may have hatched out of an egg, but I’m not an egghead like you. And I’m sorry, Starlight… your name isn’t ‘Starburp’. At least it’s not anywhere near Hearth’s Warming, so I won’t have to change my card to you…”

“Alright, I get it. You want to be left alone to finish your breakfast in peace.” Twilight rolled her eyes with a sigh at Spike’s trademark snarky quips, before looking back at her pupil with far more earnestness. “Anyway, onto more important matters. Now what was I going to say to you, Starlight? Oh yes. I hear you’ve been making excellent progress with my, and soon to be your, friends. Well done!”

Is that all she wanted to do? Give me a compliment? Oh Celestia, what a relief! You could almost see the heavy weight being lifted off Starlight’s head as Twilight said those genuine words, and began feeling like a fool for even worrying in the first place.

“Oh, yes. I’ve been modelling for Rarity, it turns out I’ve the perfect build for her new ‘Summer Collection’ as she calls it. I’ve helped Applejack at her farm with the latest harvest, just don’t tell her I zap the trees instead of kicking them when she’s not looking, please. And, today with Pinkie Pie…”

“That’s enough. It’s okay… I’ve already received an extremely thorough progress report by all my friends, and I won’t keep you in suspense any longer; I am very pleased with how things are going. I thought you might struggle at first as it’s been a while since you’ve had any close relationships, but you’ve passed all of the tests I’ve set you so far with flying colours. Congratulations! I can’t believe this is the same pony who tried to blast me out of the sky and attempted to end all life as we know it…”

“Twilight!!” Spike interrupted his crunchy bowl of goodness long enough to cast an irritated gaze at Twilight. “What did we agree on the other day?

“E-Erm, make a list of everything that belongs to me in the house. Then make a list of everything I want to throw away. Next, make another list of when the garbage ponies arrive on their daily rounds…”

“Oh for goodness…I give up. It was ‘don’t talk about Starlight’s past when she’s in the room!’ Can’t you see it upsets her? Honestly, slurp.”

“O-Oh right. Sorry, Starlight.” Twilight blushed slightly as Spike finished up the last of the dragon milk by unhesitatingly tipping the entire bowl into his gaping maw, and it was all the aforementioned unicorn could do to hold back a snigger. Honestly, those two when they get going… best comedy double act in the world. “Regardless, we’re both over the moon at how you’ve been settling in since moving in here. But…”

‘But’? There’s a ‘but’ here? Uh oh… Starlight’s burgeoning optimistic outlook turned back to one of outright pessimism in an instant, and it wasn’t too long before she experienced the old familiar sensation of quaking all over once more.

Twilight seemed not to have noticed her student’s distress though, seemingly quite deep in thought herself. “...How can I put this in a way where I don’t sound like a greedy tightwad… money can’t buy you friendship… money doesn’t grow on trees… money, money, money isn’t funny in a rich mare’s world… no, none of those sound right. Come on, Twilight! You’ve composed a thousand and one stirring Friendship lectures in your life, surely it’s not beyond your ability to describe…”

“How’s about this; we’re flat broke. Straight to the point, with only three syllables too. And I helped co-author most of those papers without any credit, let’s not forget. Wasn’t that a joy.” The sass was well and truly on with Spike today, as he licked the few remaining bits of emerald from his chops before jumping to his feet. “May I please be excused? For once, Mr Bathtub is empty this time of the morning, and I hear Him calling my name…”

“Yes, go. Maybe I can make my argument without constantly being interrupted…” Twilight sighed in defeat as her reptilian companion bounded up the stairs with glee. “But don’t splash water everywhere, like you did last time… take Derek The Duck out of the tub when you’ve finished… and no out-of-tune singing while you’re scrubbing thank you very much!!”

Twilight waited until Spike had completely disappeared to begin attempting to address Starlight again, but this time it was the nonplussed unicorn who beat her to the punch. “Um, sorry to hear about your financial arrears, but I don’t see what that’s got to do with…”

“Let me be quite blunt, now that I’m sure we won’t be having any distractions…” Twilight frowned at the ceiling, as the opening strains of ‘Buff The Tragic Dragon’ could be heard from the bathroom directly above. “We can’t really take in any lodgers for now for free, even if they are close friends or students, if you get my drift. I don’t suppose you brought any bits from Our Town with you? You must have a nice little nest egg saved up, surely? What with you being the de-facto leader there, and all. ”

“E-Er… you might think that, but I actually gave away nearly every coin I had to Sugar Belle before I left to fund research into making the ultimate rock cake. You know, as a way of apologising for forcing her to bake those horrible flavourless creations before?” Starlight answered nervously, looking down on the ground all the time. “Then, the last of my bits I spent getting this new mane-style from Rarity. She said it was ‘absolutely fabulous’, so I guessed it was, especially as she added a ‘darling’…”

“Huh. A very generous thing for you to do, I suppose. And I didn’t know Rarity had expanded her boutique into hairdressing as well. Never misses a trick in fashion, does she…” Twilight scratched just under her horn. Ever since it had noticeably increased in size, it was more prone to occasional itchiness. “But, as laudable as your aims were, it doesn’t solve our current predicament. Which is: in order for you to remain living here, I’m going to require some kind of collateral to keep you in. I’m sorry, but the state of the economy at the moment and the cost of cleaning and polishing this crystal castle from top to bottom once a month have really stretched my meagre purse to breaking point. I think there's a cheap hotel just around the corner... or I could always lend you a tent...”

“Wait a second, you're a Princess. Aren’t you supposed to be like, loaded, or something?” Starlight reeled at the thought of being unceremoniously chucked out on her magenta keister, especially when she thought she’d discovered a forever home for… well, forever.

“I think you’ve been reading too many fairytale stories, Starlight. That’s just a common misconception; Me, Cadence, Luna and Celestia are actually quite poor. Well, not Celestia… stupid Cake Tax that came in last year. I told her it was a bad idea at the time, but she just went right ahead and put the law on the statute book anyway. ‘Let them eat cake’ indeed…”

Whilst Twilight took the rare step of directly admonishing her former mentor, Starlight began brainstorming rapidly in her head as to what her next move should be. She wants me to pay… rent? But I don’t even think I’ll be able to afford lunch tomorrow! What should I do? Rob a bank? Nah, with my previous criminal record, they’ll lock me up for good for sure. Beg for small change in the square? Nope, I swore I’d never manipulate another pony as long as I live, and I intend to keep that promise. Get a job? Now there’s an idea…

Seeing Starlight so deep in contemplation gave a sympathetic Twilight the confidence that the gravity of the situation wasn’t lost on her new pupil. “I’ll leave you to it, then. I don’t want to put any added pressure on you, but some kind of payment plan by the end of this week would be appreciated. For now though… Spike!! What did I tell you about flooding the bathroom? I can see the droplets coming down like rainclouds from the ceiling, so don’t tell me you haven’t! I’m coming up there right now to see what’s going on, Mister…!”

“You can’t Twi! I’m all naked.” A muffled voice could be heard coming from just above the dining room.

“Oh, sorry. In that case, I’ll wait until… just a second!! You’re always naked! Why, you cheeky little…” Twilight was apoplectic with rage at this juncture, and flew up to the second floor without looking back at a still pensive Starlight racking her brains at the table.

What to do… What to do… I better go to my room and really think this through… A dejected Starlight absent-mindedly slowly trotted up to her soon-to-be ex-room, so caught up in gloom and depression as she was she didn’t even feel the warm soapy water sloshing around her hooves, or the sound of loud bickering coming from just across the hall.

And after all, why should she? It was just another normal, typical day, in the quiet, serene setting of the Castle Of Friendship.

************************

“So I guess I’m looking for a job now, huh? What can I possibly do? I’ve never been a waitress, otherwise I might’ve asked Pinkie for a favour. I don’t want to deliver newspapers, there are too many windows around here for me to break with my appalling aim. Motivational speaker like that minotaur guy? I think I might be quite good at that, but I’d fear falling back into my own ways too much and corrupting another innocent town. Oh, what to do… what to do?”

Starlight had spent the best part of half-an-hour alternating between pacing up and down like a particularly vigilant castle guard with occasional breaks to stare in the mirror with pure desperation. No good ideas had been forthcoming either from her overloaded brain or her own reflection though, and the more the thought of getting evicted from her new home clouded her mind, the more her posture slunk as she aimlessly strode the minor confines of her (temporary?) quarters.

It’s hopeless. Nothing whatsoever comes to mind, and I’ve only ever been good at two things, both completely unprofitable… acting like a conscienceless dictator to get everypony to surrender their individuality, or finishing that damn stupid forbidden time travel spell just to show Twilight up. Neither of those is gonna… “Hang on just a minute…!”

It was then that Starlight had an idea. Some would say it was a mad idea, some would say it was a bad idea, some would say it was a flipping-heck-are-you-absolutely-insane-completely-crackers idea.

But being at your wits end can do strange things to a hopeless mare’s mind, and besides that fact the only other two creatures in the building capable of talking any sense into her were currently engaged in a heated session of tug-of-war with a plastic duck. So really, there was nothing to stop the suddenly enthused unicorn from putting her somewhat crazy idea into practice.

“That’s it!! Starting from tomorrow, I’m going to begin… my own delivery service! Watch out world, here comes Starlight Express! ‘Here for your everyday needs, whatever the century’! That’s the name, and the logo all in one! Aren’t I smart? Hurray, problem solv… ow! That smarts! That smarts!”

In case you hadn’t figured it out yet, she’d forgotten her earlier Golden Rule about sitting down. Which isn’t generally a good idea when you’ve had a long crystal splinter piercing the most sensitive part of your posterior just an hour or so ago.

Hopefully she’d have a better memory when it came to remembering everycreature’s packages on her planned upcoming jaunt through space and time itself.

But as things would turn out, the odd lapse in memory would be the very least of her issues.

Oh dear.

Author's Note

So here you are. This story won't be that long, but I think the promising premise can give rise to all kinds of comic situations I can exploit to their full potential.

At least, that's the plan. I hope you'll let me know if I succeed.

Wish me luck, and bye for now! :pinkiehappy: